I am Muttering

Men Talk! How to get rid of Boners in Public

By muttering minds January 31, 2020

5 min read

Unlike the ladies who can deny it whenever they are aroused in public because there is no visible evidence, it can be a battle of warlords for the men.

Taming the eggplant in public is a special skill unique to each man, while some have found their medicine, some are a little over the place hoping to find a holy grail technique.

Sometime last week, I was gisting with my colleagues and we delved into some although educative but humorous sensual talk. Boners! A.K.A. Erections! Dealing with boners in public topped the pyramid of our discussion.

How do men deal with boners in public? Erection starts in the brain. It could be triggered by something you saw, felt, smelled, heard or thought of. Although they are super useful in the bedroom with a lover or sex mate, no guy prays to have them in public because they are super embarrassing.

Covering with books or side bags can help

A Lady with some protruding figure 8 passes by and suddenly dude’s eggplant begins to jump. I imagine it’s saying “Oh please! Let me out of here, I want to dance some’ lol. A famous case of ‘the body’s willing but the soul’s not’. Peradventure dude ain’t wearing a brief underwear or some tight fitted pants, the dick print goes haywire.

Hey ladies! You might as well rethink sitting on a dude’s laps the next time he offers because damn! some egg be cooking in a hot steam inside his pants and nigga finna be so uncomfortable but wouldn’t dare say.

How do men even get their lil man to stop throwing tantrums in public?

Read: Are You On Your Period?

“To get take my mind off it, I focus on grapes. Hell knows I hate that shit. At the mere thought of it, my dick shrinks like a scared cat”… A colleague said, when I asked how he tames a boner in public.

What sparked my attention more was someone saying he usually thinks of ‘A tractor mowing a grass field’ then another ‘A pool of blood’ and the most grotesque was “I picture how awful it will be to have sex with my mum and my dick shrinks immediately”.

Wooooow! Who would have thought?

Before the conversation, I never knew men had a tough time suppressing boners in public, talk more of focusing their minds on the most unpleasant images, things they distaste, just to get the feeling away. Imagine finding solace in evil just to get rid of ‘evil’… that’s unfair!

I was curious to know more about it so I extended the conversation to my male friends on WhatsApp. While some plead the fifth, some exclaimed “Why the heck should I have a boner in public”… oh well some rare breeds I guess.

I also got generic responses like crossing legs, meditation, thinking of God, to name a few.

However, I got some responses worth sharing here. If you are a guy still searching for a holy grail technique, one of these might just work for you.

Read: She’s Sorry, She Fell Pregnant

Because of the sensitivity of the topic, I asked the respondent to use pseudonyms. Here we go…

Liger said: “When I get a boner in a public place and need to get rid of quickly, I immediately imagine myself in an Anatomy cadaver laboratory. I imagine myself pick up the surgical knife and just cut along, and down it goes, quick fix.”

Osuofia said: “Not anything comical like old ladies or maths. Just take my mind away from the thought or source of the arousal”

Mack said: “Lol… it’s funny, but whenever it happens to me I do find a way to sit some time and tuck my baby in via my pocket. If my pocket is not making things easy I’ll just keep my two hands across it in a stylish way. It all depends on the environment you’re in. Sometimes it’s cute to leave it that way sha. Especially if your stuff is really large 😉”

Gipsy said: “Something like baba yaga or some other character from a horror movie… Crooked facial demeanour, weird movements, malevolent personality, those kinda things 🤷🏽‍♂🤷🏽‍♂🤷🏽‍♂”

Voldermort said: “You can’t really “out-think” especially if the babe is still present. So what I do is sit down and cross my legs. And if I’m unable to sit, I cover the bulge with both hands like I’m posing for a picture”.

Mutterer 101 said: “Think of the Rapture or Armageddon and think of how sexual sins will be punished, according to the Bible. Or just think of some random weird things thing such as a ghastly accident or a funny tv show, or anything. Lol”

Storm said: “I’m homophobic, so I think of something related to gay and then remove my mind from there. Before then, I must have adjusted my trouser to make sure it’s not noticeable”.

The Boner Crusher said: “A very potent method that works is the ‘distraction from distraction’ 😂😂💔. How does this work? Start thinking of rubbish like a plane crashed into an ocean and pigs swam to save the crew only. It doesn’t make sense but it sure does in reality.”

That’s enough said to do the magic except you like to be Otis from Sex Education, then you need Jean Milburn for a fix. Jokes apart, if your egg plant chooses to be awake at odd places, recurrently and anomaly, you need therapy.

Care to contribute some tips on how to get rid of boners in public? Care to share your most memorable (or embarrassing) moment having a boner in public? the comment section is all yours. To the ladies, how do you react if you observe a guy getting a hard-on in public? Let’s talk!

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ASK THE MUTTERERS

How do I get better with Phone Calls?

By muttering minds January 29, 2020

3 min read

Dear Mutterers, how do you all cope? Asides that I hate ring tones no matter how subtle it might be, I hate taking phone calls too.

The only time you will find my phone on ‘loud mode’ is if I am expecting a very important call most preferrably a dispatch. And as soon as I am done, it goes back to the norm, ‘SILENT’.

God help me I forget to put it back on silent and it rings… OMG! first I freak out at the tone, then I’m hit by a reflex mood swing (maybe a residual effect of the anxiety) that most times becomes too unhealthy for the caller. I’m either belligerent or numb and they can tell it’s not the usual me. But it’s not my fault, I must have rejected the call the first and maybe the second time and they choose to call for a third.

Read: How We Became Familiar Strangers

I also get pissed at so many missed calls. Do I owe you? So why give me three or more missed calls? What makes you think I wasn’t with my phone all the while you were calling? Most times I am with it but not ready to talk.

Before you call me, be sure it’s not textable. I love to text, I connect better with it even if it’s just a word there. I’m good. No matter how rude the text might be, it’s better than tending to some voices.

Maybe I am selfish, maybe it’s just my nature, I can’t say. I just want to talk to people when I want to, not the other way round. That’s why if I eventually pick the call, I exchange pleasantries and then say ‘Please can I call back, I’m actually busy’.

Read: Where You Left Me

More than half the time, I am busy in my head. Either enjoying what is in there or being tensed for some reasons. It’s usually offensive that a phone call sometimes interrupts such a sacred moment. Asides this, I noticed that my mouth becomes so heavy to speak sometimes due to fatigue triggered by the day’s activity. From traffic to work, back to traffic, and I have to go through this five days in a week… damn!

I actually enjoy a few people calling me though. The ones who understand that it is okay not to be welcoming sometimes and then they get into the mood with you because they love you. And the ones who make me laugh too are precious but it’s so unfortunate I find myself not being in the mood for laughs sometimes.

Read: How To Know If You Have Phone Phobia

If I say I will call back and I forgot, believe me, I did. There is no harm in sending a text to remind me. Generally, there is actually no shame in reminding people of a favour they promised you. If you are of the opinion that if it matters to them they wouldn’t forget, then pray you don’t encounter my kind because if I am not forgetting, I keep procrastinating and your reminder will be the silver lining at such moments.

Well, guess what😁. I need your help! How do I get better with phone calls🥺? If not for any reason, I don’t want to be that friend you call when you have a gun to you head, hoping that they won’t pick😂😂.

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I am Muttering

How we have become Familiar Strangers to each other

By muttering minds January 28, 2020

3 min read

Remember our parent’s favourite code growing up?

I wonder how many of us are faithful to it though. ‘Not talking to strangers‘… Maybe only during the festive season and that’s because we are scared of our vital organs vanishing from our bodies.

Anyways, does it ever occur to you that the person (stranger) you think you’re meeting for the first time has actually met you before now??? These days I don’t buy the concept of total stranger anymore, ‘familiar strangers’, that’s what it is. That babe or dude you think knows zilch about you might actually have substantial information on you.

Read: When I Respond ‘LOL’, Here’s What Happens

We are information thirsty. We are naturally drawn to anything fascinating either in a mysterious or adventurous manner, especially humans. And with the help of technology, it’s very easy to get what we want.

You see that dude you always pass by on your way to have lunch at work, don’t mind that he acts unaware, he knows the game too.

“Hello! My name is Jude, I really like you. Can I get your number?”… here’s him making you feel he doesn’t already know your name.

He probably knows you, knows where your mama lives, how many siblings you got, your college scandals and who took you out last Valentine.

Read: Can I Really Be Here

I stalk people too. Both male and female. If your personality gets me positively or negatively, all I need is your first and last name and voila there’s an 80 per cent chance I will find you. And when I do, all your household is in trouble. 😂😂 just kidding. But who doesn’t stalk anyway?

Funny thing is I even stalk myself. I go on my IG and then scroll through my page, same as Facebook, and other social handles. While at it, I’m thinking “If someone stalks me, will they like what they see?”

Stalking is like reading a book and you know, we have different types of readers;

The die-hard
The Tentative
The Intellect
The Basic

With the meaning of the words, you can tell how they are. Now relate it to stalking.

Bottom line! we are all familiar strangers to each other.

Some stalkers can be too forward though. They make you know that they know you the moment they get the chance to say hello. They are like “You are Uju right?”.

“No mate! I am Solomon”… like I am pissed at what he knows already. And then I wear this ”Ok…You better start spilling all the shit you heard or know about me” look. And dude gives me this creepy smile, trying to play the confusion card again. This must be an achievement right! He probably heard my mama screaming my name in the street some time and decided to confiscate the trophy hoping for a kill soon🙄.

Whenever I get talking to someone new, especially if we share familiar environments, it always comes to my mind that there is a thick chance they got something on me. Sometimes it’s me who does.

That’s why whenever I walk the streets I give passersby the “So what now? What have you got on me?” look. Yes! cause 80 per cent chance is that they do. If they don’t, they probably know your face and have been meaning to ask you so many questions.

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I am Muttering

When I respond with ‘LOL’, here’s what happens…

By muttering minds January 27, 2020

2 min read

Who else is hardly smiling whenever they type ‘LOL‘ during chats. ‘Laughing out Loud’, that’s what it means right! but how many of you are sincerely doing that whenever you type ‘LOL’?

Well here are three instances why I use ‘lol‘ when chatting...

When the chat is dead ass boring, and I don’t know what next to say, ‘LOL‘ always comes to my rescue 😂😂.
When I am pissed at a remark, the safest and the closest way I wave it especially if the moron isn’t worth it, is simply responding ‘LOL‘ with my face interchanging postures like this 😦😕 for few seconds.
When I throw some sarcasm or diplomatic insults (Which I mean with every fiber of my being) and I sense the recipient is about to go all berserk on me, before they absolve it fully, I don’t hesitate for a few seconds to type ‘LOL‘ 😜.

Read: 21 Faces Every Sarcastic Person Will Instantly Recognise

Image result for sarcasm face — Are you sincerely laughing whenever you type LOL?

Read: Are you on your period?

Thank you LOL for always coming to my rescue whenever I need to break out from boring chats, managing an idiot and also taming my idiocy. If you were human, you’ll probably be my best friend cause you always save a nigga fam.

To tell that the chat is really funny to me, I either respond with ‘Hahahahahahhahah’ or I use the laughter emoji recurrently like ‘😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂’. Sometimes I will even say ‘Hey fam, this got me rolling’. Not ‘Lmao’ or ‘lolxxxx’, these ones are even worse than an ‘lol’.

Read: Everyone Is A Physiognomist

Now you know why I use ‘lol‘ during chats. Don’t you dare go over reviewing our chats, counting all the times I typed ‘LOL’ please. You might just get hurt in the process😫.

Care to share your reasons for using ‘LOL’ too? … Don’t tell me you actually laugh for real cause I won’t believe you😏. And the ones who respond ‘Lolzzzzz’, what exactly is the net worth of your problem😂😂? Cause fam, you definitely got a huge problem.

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ASK THE MUTTERERS

Why is God Planning to Eternally Torture many more?

By Mutterers Club January 26, 2020

2 min read

One thing all religions have in common is the devil, the one that desperately wants and plans the downfall of mankind.

According to Christianity, the devil was an ungrateful angel who tried to take over God’s throne, and now he walks the earth only to kill, steal and destroy.

Anyways, according to an article by wired.com, it might be interesting to know that God’s kill count is 227,037% higher than Satan’s.

Image result for the devil — Is the devil a propaganda?

Read: The Little Big Truth About Us

So the narrative that Satan is the villain might just be propaganda and since the Bible is a one-sided collection of stories the demonization of the devil might just be propaganda. The character of the devil might not even exist at all, he might just also be created so as make humans feel they need protecting from someone who only God can destroy. Another funny fact is since the beginning of time and the beginning of the struggle of man, the devil never died, he’s still allegedly actively interfering with our lives.

Image result for the concept of hell — The concept of hell…

Read: When God Takes A Nap

Now the question is, if For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, why do people still die and why is he planning to eternally torture many more? I mean the concept of hell. Where people who don’t believe in Jesus will suffer eternal damnation, it doesn’t matter whether they were good on earth, once they die, they go to hell. It’s synonymous with burning someone from having a different view from yours. And we are supposed to turn the other cheek when our neighbor slaps us?

Note: This article was written by Banji Coker, owner and publishing editor of FibbsKulture

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MUTTERERS CLUB

Long-distance Relationship is a scam! Except…

By Mutterers Club January 24, 2020

3 min read

Once upon a time, I used to be a huge fan of long-distance relationship. At the time, I swear, I could beat anybody up that tried to argue with me about close proximity relationships being better than long-distance relationships.

I wish I had listened, I wish I didn’t have to wait to be a victim. But you see, experience is a professor and in the school of long-distance relationships, I’m a PhD holder. Prior to now, never have I had a close-range relationship, and yeah they were all good guys to an extent.

READ: 30 Long Distance Relationship Quotes That Will Melt Your Heart

First, it was Lagos to Ogun, afterwards, Lagos to Port Harcourt, then Lagos to Abuja. Next was Lagos to Ghana, the one that got me tumbling was Lagos to the USA. My heart is well travelled so trust me when I say LDR is a scam. I’m really sure a lot will still argue this out, but then, that’s why we are Mutterers right?

Someone once said to me “long-distance relationships require more trust”, but I don’t agree. Cause if you’ll be honest with yourself, it takes a high level of trust to believe what you see than what you don’t. I can’t punish my emotions with having faith in a relationship I can’t have access to as often as I wish. Are you Jesus? Let my faith be for him alone cause I’ve never seen him and won’t till I go to heaven. That’s the only long-distance relationship I can deal with in my life.

Read: Pros And Cons Of Singlehood

Point is, if you and your partner don’t have a strong physical connection, the distance will mess you both up badly. But still, no matter how strong the connection is, the distance will still disconnect the connection. Take it from me. And sadly, this long-distance relationship has destroyed a lot of people. I was almost on that list.

A friend asked me, “Jules, imagine you’re dating someone from a distance based on past knowledge you have of the person, and then one day he comes back and you both get married, only for you to realise you barely know each other?”.

Dear Mutterers, love cannot solve what knowledge should solve. Communication cannot give you what physical knowledge can give, especially in this our present era. It’s a proven truth that a lot of people know the right things to say when sought after for advice, but lack the act when they’re faced with it.

Read: Is Socia Media Display Of Affection Healthy?

Communication is key in every relationship, but you see, communication is not character. Communication helps keep the long-distance relationship busy, but you see character, it helps keep your peace of mind and sanity.

For the long-distance relationship diehard fans, are you aware that long-distance relationship sucks, especially when you don’t have money? Especially in this our country, long-distance relationships are as hard as our economy.

Read: Where You Left Me

After all these I have said, if you feel you got the balls to carry on with that miles apart relationship, you have to consider these two factors:

You both have to be very intelligent & super inventive.

You both should be financially independent to a VERY large extent.

If you both lack these, please look for someone in your neighbourhood and date. You can thank me later.

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I am Muttering

“Where you left me”

By muttering minds January 23, 2020

2 min read

Me– Hey dear! Long-time, how have you been?

Someone– I’m where you left me o, you just abandoned me.

😨😨😨 For goodness sake, why are some people so myopic in reasoning? So you have been on the same level since the last time I checked on you? Or how else am I supposed to translate such a response? I detest it whenever someone replies me with such unintelligent choice of words when I genuinely check on them.

Read: Why Friends Grow Apart

I am not superman, I am not your mum who’s obligated to check on you 24/7 (Even some mums don’t)… I am just your friend, perhaps an acquittance. And just incase you forgot, people are busy.

You left me — How irritated the response gets me

This is a pet peeve for me in friendship. If I call you my friend, I believe we must have attained a certain level of friendship whereby if either of us don’t call frequently, it doesnt matter. No one is offended! And whenever we decide to talk, we relate as goofy as we would without hammering on blame games.

Read: A Quagmire Is Enjoyed With Friends Inside

Why make it about me though? I didn’t call, likewise you… so why do I have to feel the whole brunt of our strayed communication?

Read: The Little Big Truth About Us

Hey people! No one is mandated to check on you, not even family. If you haven’t spoken to someone in a while and suddenly feel the need to hear from them, pick up your phone and call or pay them a visit if necessary since it means that much to you. Do it genuinely and not because you hope that in the long run such affection will be reciprocated or because you feel its some sort of stupid game whereby whoever calls first is declared the winner and has the right to curse out on the receiver.

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I am Muttering

Need! The Little Big Truth about Us

By muttering minds January 21, 2020

3 min read

The Need Race…

A friend of mine voiced his reservations recently concerning my supposed ‘New lifestyle’. According to him, all I indulge in lately is woven around Muttering Minds. I no longer talk about my family, place of work and yeah! All the beautiful men I’ve got a crush on.

Well yeah, he’s right, but how long would I keep saying those things? Well its not like I dont tell them anymore but rather than silly natterings, I prefer to voice them through writing. And poor him, he hates reading.

“Oh no! I still talk about these things but on Muttering Minds” I replied.

“You see! I miss you Uju, I miss those times”… he said affectionately.

How do you miss someone and not care about what they are involved with? We’re grown and whether you believe it or not, at this stage, we want to associate more with people who facilitate or share in our dreams. Don’t guilt-trip people with the good old days, it only exists in your head and maybe theirs but tell you what, memories, just like humans are very unreliable. Fragments are invalid. If you cannot catch the train to create new moments, then voila.

Read: How Humane Are You To Animals?

Also, you are not very okay if you vent over people calling you only when they need you. When else am I supposed to call you? To burst your bubble, every physical conversation or phone call meets a need. Someone calling you to help them get a job done is no different from the person who calls to say they love you. Or someone who calls to check on your ass. The only difference is probably how it makes you feel.

If a person calls you recurrently on an emotional/trivial note, its either for one or more of these needs:

They need to be sure you are okay.
They need you to know how they feel.
They need you to get to feel what they feel.
They need you to ensure you watch that series so you both have something to talk about.
They need more information about you.
They basically need to validate they are human, and being human is to show care sometimes. Right?

I could go on with the list… I’m sure you get the gist. The truth is, we are all running a ‘need’ race.

Read: Friendship Is A Ruse

People Need People

Let’s face it, we all smell of guilt. Well, that’s better than a pungent body odour. I will call you if I need to get a job done even if I haven’t spoken to you in years. Call me shameless? Well, you are right, I lost my shame!

If someone calls you off the blues for a favour, it’s in your place to decline. But don’t bank on the fact that its because they need you because you also need people. If you are not disturbing them in particular, there’s someone you are. You need people, even people you don’t know or care about their existence. Imagine if you woke up and found yourself alone on earth. I bet you will take your own life because of mehn! the weight of silence will be poison for your soul. Even those who claim they enjoy their own company and hate people need to at least know that there are people on earth but not in their space.

This is the little big truth about us!

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ASK THE MUTTERERS

How humane are you to Animals?

By muttering minds January 20, 2020

3 min read

Ant Girl…

When I was a kid, I loved watching ants. You know the saying “Go to the ants and learn from them” right? I was always looking out for ant houses and whenever I found one, I volunteered to be their chef. To ensure there was no famine in their land, I would either put plenty of sugar or bread crumbs by their doorstep (Is it a hill or hole step?). It gave me so much joy seeing them come out in their numbers to feed.

I actually wanted to know if the ants were as wise as the bible puts, well guess what, these creatures are organized. Down to the transfer of food from one ant to another, to the straight file, and the way they fought with antagonistic creatures like cockroaches (OMG! I hate these ones), it made me so happy.

Read: A Quagmire Is Enjoyed With Friends Inside

Sometimes I wish they could talk so I could do a proper introduction like: “Hey fellas! it’s your favourite human, what would you love to have for dinner yo!”

If you ever find yourself around me and an ant passes by and you smash it dead without mercy, I could shoot you if I had a gun. Don’t try me! That ant has a family goddammit! You probably just killed the breadwinner of a colony, how cruel! That’s some first-degree animal cruelty! you should go to jail.

Read: Fun Facts About Ants

Some people don’t even want to imagine that there’s an ant in the same environment with them, talk more of when they see the ant..they reach for their heels and smash without mercy. How cruel? Despite my hate for roaches, I don’t even smash them, just a little wipe to weaken them and then I dispose of them far away.

News Flash: Sometimes when a cockroach threatens my existence and I eventually get a grip of it, I slightly give it a sucker punch and then drag the idiot down to my soldiers. You need to see the struggle, it’s always like a Goliath struggling with a thousand and one Davids.

Bird and Dog Girl…

I love birds. I can stay still at a particular spot, not making any sound just so a bird can comfortably eat the little crumbs on the floor😍. I don’t like that they see me or hear my footsteps and fly away, it breaks my heart. If there was a way to communicate to them that I mean no harm, I will be glad to learn such. Does anyone understand the bird language? Sigh!

Image result for birds on the street — Typical me!

Dogs are by every measure my favorite pets😉, as a matter of fact, I got two. I understand when a person says they don’t like dogs, perhaps due to some miscalculated bad experience in their past. What I don’t understand is why someone will see a dog minding its business and the next thing that comes to mind is to pick stones and start throwing or mimicking the dog in a hateful manner. Do you know that dogs find this very triggering? Some of you will say ‘how does she know, has she been a dog before?’ You might do this for pure hate or fun, either way, such acts are condemnable. Stay away from animals if you cannot be humane to them. Do not stir up trouble or else your ass might just get bitten to its bones someday.

Read: When God Takes A Nap

Also a very important question here; If you cannot cater for a dog, why have one? Stop increasing the population of stray pets! I hate to see hungry dogs on the street. I sometimes wish I could question them to take me to their owner so I can mete out some really grave punishments🙅.

News Flash: Just so you know it pleases me when a dog suddenly starts chasing a fool that was looking for its trouble by probably throwing stones or mimicking… such moments I loveeee!. 😜

And You…

Now you’ve just read about my loyalty for certain animals, do you think I am weird? Well if you do then you have to get yourself checked. Well, I’ll love to read about your relationship with animals too. Tell me your favorite, worst and why and also what irks you regarding animal cruelty.

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MUTTERERS CLUB

When God takes a Nap…

By Mutterers Club January 19, 2020

2 min read

It is another Sunday in a new year, and like every other Sunday; I began to seek answers from myself about why some things seem wrong in a world that is ruled over by the one supreme being, ‘God’.

The first question that came to mind was, “What happens when God takes a nap?” I know it might seem all funny to many, especially as most Christians would say that he doesn’t rest. Well, need I remind you that after he created the world in six days, he rested on the seventh? If that is recorded in the Bible, what does that connote about the persona of God? God, like humans; also rests.

Read: There Are Greater Sins

While we are clear on that fact, what happens when the big man up there takes his nap? Could it be that it is when he looks away from all that he created that bad things happen? Or could it be that it is when he sleeps that bad things happen?

Read: What If We Are Like The Bibilical Samson?

I mean, logically, we all know that God is good all the time. Would a good God watch while the many ills in the world happen? Even to his own children? Imagine the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible, the Bible recorded that God goes to visit the duo, but it is while he was away that the devil came around to tempt the duo. We all know how that story ended.

God — Remember the story of Adam and Eve?

In my own moment of deep thinking, I feel that it is when God takes a nap or looks away that evil men do the bad things in the world. If you disagree, then you can as well agree that he is not good all the time, maybe he’s bad sometimes. Why? Because he watches over us all, while he allows so many evil things happen.

But honestly, let me ask you too, what happens when God decides to take a rest?

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January 2020

The Need Race…

People Need People

Ant Girl…

Bird and Dog Girl…

And You…