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July 2020

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6 min read

Fetish! Fetish! Fetish!🤤 So tell me, do you have one? I presume it’s one of those topics you’ll prefer to remain buried in your closet that is why I decided to kill two birds with one stone by pitching the discussion on Fetish and Obsessions. This means only one thing, if you don’t have a fetish or feel uncomfortable sharing, then you must be obsessed with something…like the smell of your own fart maybe.🤭

Yeah, you heard me. I know the last thing you want to do is smelling someone’s fart but guess what, you’ve been missing all along. Sniffing farts has its own health benefits. According to research, hydrogen sulfide, the gas that gives flatulence its repulsive smell, reduces the risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer and helps stave off dementia. Since I found out, it started to seem like I became obsessed with breaking the wind although not gathered enough confidence to savor the richness deeply because it perpetually gives me an obnoxious feeling🤮. For real though, you should research the benefits of inhaling farts, I assure you that going forward you’ll feel more confident letting out that air. 😌

Why do your farts smell that bad?RateMDs Health News

Obsessions First!

I am obsessed with the smell of menthol. The smallest sniffle from a menthol bottle is enough to make me feel alive; I inhale so deeply it feels like I just clinched an orgasm. My nostrils are promiscuous when it comes to trying out menthols, they are so trained they can tell what brand makes the best and the brands making a rookie mistake. When I was younger, I dug a hole in our mattress, I would usually pinch the foam off daily because I needed a stench of menthol to see me off to school. Every morning I will dip a piece of foam in a menthol jar to be sure it’s well saturated in it then I’ll hold it with me and sniff it at intervals. As an adult, it’s my handkerchief that bears the brunt. You’ll always find a yellow stain because of its continuous immersion in Menthol. 🙃

Are you also obsessed with Menthol? I’ve met some people who get agitated at the smell of it. If you are one, NEWSFLASH…! THAT’S YOUR CUP OF TEA!.☹ Hmmm, what else am I obsessed with? I used to love binge drinking Fanta and popcorn. The duo played well as the perfect couple for my belly, in fact offering me a treat with the combo was a way to appease me if you fell off my wagon. But not anymore after the boy I loved who always gave me so much of it got ****** (fill the gap). Now my current man serves me Malt and Milk goals, should I be scared? 🧘‍♀️
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As an adult, it’s my handkerchief that bears the brunt. You’ll always find a yellow stain because of its continuous immersion in Menthol.

Even though I read that any obsession is dangerous, we all gotta be obsessed with something. You’re probably saying to yourself right now “But I got none?” Guess what, some people are actually obsessed with smelling their armpit and chances are that you fall in that category. If your answer is ‘NO’, it means you love to itch underneath and relish on the odor like a sumptuous three square meal…right?? 😜You gotta have an obsession. Shuuuuuu🤫… its porn right? Don’t worry, I promise not to tell.

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And then there’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I like to believe I’ve escaped from. Thanks to my little Nephew who scatters the house immediately I’m done arranging. His action proved to me that some obsessions die after all by mere looking away. No therapy needed.💆‍♀️

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And then there’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I think I’ve escaped from…

Now What??? FETISH!!!

Can I plead the fifth in telling my fetish? I was rooted to the spot the day I read a story on one of these relationship blogs about a man saying he couldn’t cum except he is sexing his lady on her period. LIKE!!! MENSTRUAL BLOOD IS WHAT TICKLES SOMEONE!!! I thought sexual intercourse should be avoided at that time of the month.🤢

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I became curious about knowing people’s fetishes. I needed to be sure I had friends on the normal side because people can look normal but they’ll have you running for your dear life the day you discover all that’s buried in their closet. 

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LIKE!!! MENSTRUAL BLOOD IS WHAT TICKLES SOMEONE!!!

In case you are a little lost, a fetish is typically referred to as a behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without. It is also a term people use to describe sexual arousal that is coupled with a typically non-sexual object. For instance, there are some men who cannot make sweet love to a lady except she’s on heels, some ladies love role-playing, some are attracted to piercings, some, a certain color or type of underwear, etc. All these are mild fetishes.

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Some fetishes are really weird and bother more on the obsessive, for example, Gerontophilia (feeling sexual attraction for only people way older than you), foot fetish (licking the feet of your sexual partner) BDSM ( sex practices involving bondage, discipline, submission, and sadomasochism), etc. the most common under this is ‘Spanking’. Do you know that some people find sexual gratification through bleeding or blood? It’s called Hematolagnia. After I read this, I became less shocked about the man who loves period blood. Still strikes illegal in my eyes though.

Meet the person who gets turned on by gushing nosebleeds | Metro News

So I did a mini collation of fetishes from friends…stick with me…

“I can’t explain my love for breasts and cunnilingus (giving head). For some reason, I enjoy giving head to having sex. I’m not even the one getting the pleasure but it’s something I love so much, that’s the reason I don’t have sex with any girl that comes my way cause I want to eat her. As for my love for breasts, it’s that bad that a certain girl had to save my contact as ‘BREAST’.”- Storm.

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“I weirdly enjoy pain during sex. On me though. I like my girl to scratch and bite and beat my chest and all that…lol. It’s mad steamy. That’s my fetish”- Bite

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As for my love for breasts, it’s that bad that a certain girl had to save my contact as ‘BREAST’

“Lol, I don’t have one. I think people that have fetishes are those that are sexually active, I might be wrong. But for my ex, he liked to bite my cheek, that was his own fetish”.– Aure

“I personally get aroused by V-line abs. Not every guy has it, even some guys with packs don’t have it. That alone can make me take off my pants. But then he has to be shirtless, wearing loose pants or just boxers for me to see it.”– Jules

Read: Men Talk! How To Get Rid of Boners in Public

“I like thighs cause they are attractive to look at, sensual to touch, and exciting to play with. Thighs give a sense of innocence. The fairer the thigh, the better. (For obvious reasons).”- Obuora

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Let’s play a game, ‘Fetish or Obsessions or Both’.

These were my best five responses. They made me laugh and imagine quite some sensual rubbish though. While Fetishes can be an obsession, an obsession is not always a fetish, now you see why I picked the duo for a discussion, there’s an obvious thin line. But what causes people to have sexual fetishes though? 

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You know what, let’s play a game, ‘Fetish or Obsessions or Both’. I’ll love to hear about your fetish or obsession (or both), and what you think caused it. It’s okay if you cannot trace the cause. I know you’re longing to hear my fetish, well I mentioned it earlier, mine is the most common under ****. If you’re fond of deliberately skipping lines when you read, then you missed mine. Perhaps you should just forget about it and say yours.😴

 

3 min read

Dear muttering minds, I write this to you because I think this is the safest place to let out the deepest and darkest part of my mind to the public, the thing only I, God, and the devil know about and I hope I get some sort of relief after this.

I am a 25-year-old guy and I love boys. Not in a brotherly or friendly manner but in a more intimate and sexual manner. I started noticing this when I was 16-years-old in my ss2 (penultimate class). When I see a handsome guy I tend to stare more than twice just like some ladies do. I tried to ignore it then and hope such a feeling just blows over, but it didn’t work. 

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I love boys. Not in a brotherly or friendly manner but in a more…

When I’m watching porn, unlike most guys do, I switch over to the gay section to watch and I enjoy watching it. I get more aroused and a more intense orgasm while jerking off to gay porn than straight porn. I stare at pictures of guys, especially cute tall, and muscular ones. I usually watch movies about homosexuals and I normally rewind the sex scene. I try several times to stop but to no avail. 

Read: Hypocrites! Homosexuality Is Not A Crime

While I was awaiting admission to the university, I was usually home alone so I did a lot of crazy things I couldn’t imagine. One certain time I bought a small-sized plantain and a condom, then I rolled the condom over the plantain and poured some lube over it, and gradually shoved it into my ass hole. It was painful at first but in the long run, I started enjoying it to the point of orgasm without touching myself. One time, I recorded myself in the act and edited and posted it on gay porn sites. It got a lot of views and likes, some thirsty guys abroad even contacted me for sex video calls and I agreed to it.

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bisexual
I bought a small-sized plantain and a condom, then I rolled the condom over the…

I did this for three months until one day I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing”? I forced myself to stop and found something doing just to get my mind off it. Finally, I got admission to the university, I lived in the school hostel then. I’ve never experienced a hostel life before, that was my first experience. You know in the hostel everyone baths in the same bathroom at the same time. Unlike secondary school where I was longing to get a glimpse of the D, I saw a lot of them in the hostel in different shapes, sizes, and colors which all brought back memories of all my gay sexual adventure; all those feelings I tried to put away all came back. 

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Irrespective of how unhygienic the bathroom was, I would always go back there three times a day to take a bath but the real truth is that I was there to get as much glimpse of the D. This continued until I left the hostel in my third year. I tried my best to ignore my homosexual feelings until I graduated.  I’m glad I didn’t meet any full-blown gay guy in my lodge off-campus cause I’m pretty sure that I would have had gay sex if I met one. 

Bisexual Invisibility –
Am I gay or bisexual?

I’m working now and I have a girlfriend who I love, and we also have sex which I enjoy but those sexual feelings I get when I see a handsome guy is still there. I just ignore it and hope it goes away. Sometimes I still go to gay porn sites but not as often as before. I really don’t want to lose my girlfriend, could it be that my gay tendencies are only a phase in my life that will pass, or am I bisexual?

 

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5 min read

Reading the post about the Slim Curse was hilarious and also thought-provoking. As I read Doris’ rant and the other comments (mostly ladies), it got me thinking, if these ladies can be so sensitive about their weight, what will happen if they’ve got a more obvious ‘physical setback’?

I knew I was destined to be bald; my dad is bald, my brothers are bald, even my six-month-old picture clearly shows my receding hairline, what I never knew was that I’d go bald in my early 20’s.

Read: Male Pattern Baldness

It all started with a few extra hairs during my third year in the university and while my friends made a joke out of every haircut I had on, I clung to my remaining hair and did what I could do to avoid the inevitable. Little did I know I was digging up my own grave with my frequent haircuts until I hit a wall; I couldn’t cover it up anymore. It became obvious to everyone around me and I was left with two options: Accept the situation or Continue deceiving myself.

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I clung to my remaining hair and did what I could do to avoid the inevitable

You know that feeling of being scared or nervous about something, how bad it messes with your head that you begin to picture yourself in different situations around it, or see things or people that remind you about it. I close my eyes, and I see a ‘bald me’, I’m walking on the road, I see a bald man and even while watching TV, a bald man must show up on my display. All because my bald look couldn’t wait to switch positions with my receding hairlines. That kinda power must change hands setting lol.😕

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If my friends could shun pity and mock my receding hairlines at every opportunity, it would be an open party for mockery if I decided to lay off the remaining hair down, knowing that the chances are only two percent that it will grow back. This was me trying to debate my way out of it. And the ladies? How do I toast them without my half baked mohawk or malnourished low cut?

The Big Leap

One wet evening after my NYSC, I strolled into my longtime barbershop and told him to take it all off. With the clipper on the lowest setting, I watched as my remaining hair fell to the ground, and my barber grinning through the cut; it was like a mission accomplished for him. While he kept grazing my hair field with his clipper, all I could think of were a thousand and one ways to welcome my new look.

Tada! He was done. I could barely recognize myself, it felt even more ridiculous after running my fingers across my head.

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Surprisingly, my family and genuine friends complimented the new look although within me I wished I could still rock hairstyles like frohawk with unique designs, low cut with waves, large afro, or medium curls. 

No hair means more caps. I became 5 &6 with face caps to hide my young bald look but as days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, I garnered some lessons I’ll love to share;

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  • Nobody Cares: Absolutely no one! My biggest fears at the initial stage was what people were going to think of me being bald at a young age. “Will people make fun of me?”, “Will I still look attractive?”, “Will people think I look weird?” etc. But then an epiphany struck me; ‘How does my baldness affect them anyway?’…I looked around and searched through my mind, absolutely no connection whatsoever. Yes, I got a couple of teasing comments but most people either extremely complimented it or completely ignored it. As soon as I took the leap and accepted my fate, my insecurities faded into oblivion. It made me more confident and care less about people’s opinions.
  • People Automatically Think I Am ‘Hard’:  Since I embraced my baldness, I have experienced subtle shifts in my relationships with people. People began to create more time for me, older folks began to put some respect on my name and younger folks tagged me as an “alpha male”, which in this regard, is the polar opposite of the comb-over.
Bald
Folks began to put some respect on my name and younger folks tagged me as an “alpha male”.
  • I Look More Attractive: Embracing my bald curse unmasked my attractiveness. I won’t even talk about the ladies frolicking because of my zaddy look🌚. However, the point here is the shift the change has made in my personality; I have moved from constantly worrying about my lack of hair to not just caring and in my opinion, one of the greatest attractive quality anyone can ask for is self-assurance – so rock that bald head, baldie👨‍🦲.

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  • Trying to Reverse it is Completely a Waste of Money: Even though I never tried to reverse it, friends and acquaintances suggested I try all sorts of things to grow my hair. Some even went as far as citing hair surgeries but my response to them was always; ‘I no dey do (not interested)’. For a fact, most people who sell these hair remedies are not doctors; they are private companies and only have their profits at heart, so once you buy, you are at the risk of hurting your pockets and enriching theirs.
bald
Bald ladies look yummy

Not that I am that nice😒,  but I was moved to share this with Mutterers so that whoever felt insecure about anything concerning their body can scoop some silver lining from my story😉. Some part of me is also curious to know if ladies find bald guys attractive and their impression of bald guys. And as for the baldies reading this, (both male and female) how market? You know we’re the baddest kids on block right?! If you don’t mind sharing your own experience too you know 😆😆

 

6 min read

There’s always that one thing we want but we will never get, maybe, just maybe when we take our minds off the wishful thinking, that’s when it will come. Not promising, but this has always been a consolation response to me whenever I complain to my friends about how slim I am and cannot wait to grow fat.

Bowled over? It’s not like I am too thin but then…all my life, I have longed to be a little thick at least especially on some strategic part of my body but my creator wouldn’t let me shine on that path. Since I became aware of myself I don’t think I have ever changed in looks or size. “Vampire”“Uju you are perfect the way you are”“You are so small and cute””I wish I had your body”… blah blah blah… You really do think that’s a compliment right? You wish! Well, maybe sometimes.

slim
It was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

The mistake most people make is that they think every slim person loves the way they are and that every fat person curses the day they were born. Do you ever stop to think for a second that some slim people actually hate it when you emphasize their body weight? Well, I belong to that one percent of the one percent who hate it when you do. Don’t ask me when I would gain weight or why I haven’t added since we left high school. It is rude. 

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That was how the other day I ran into a mate from high school and the first thing she said was “Ah Doris! you haven’t changed, you are still small”. I had to morsel laugh for pretense sake but after she left I began analyzing her birdbrained approach. I concluded it was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

MY WEIGHT GAIN TRICK AND BACK TO SQUARE ZERO

Being slim can be very fine especially on tall people but if you are ‘slim and short’ like me, you will agree with me that beauty goes on vacation sometimes without seeking your permission. My body is like a chameleon only that it changes its weight instead of color. Small stress and I deflate. One minute I am happy to have gained 2kg and the next minute I am 4kg down. How annoying? It’s like one step forward and a million miles backward.

Read: What Is Perception To You?

So I discovered a weight gain trick two years ago. I started going to the gym. Daily. The first time I stepped my feet at the gym, it felt as odd as a baby enrolling for a Master’s Degree. “Ah”“What do you want to lose”“Do you want to disappear?” So many discouraging remarks but I didn’t give up. Specifically, I told the gym instructor that I wanted to add, not lose weight, “build my shape”. I started building my muscles and strength and taking lots of protein shakes. Little or no aerobics, deadlifts, lunges, leg lifts, squatting, and more. Squatting was my favorite exercise because I wanted to be just as bad as sexy and guess what, it worked. I built my muscles so much that I gained 10kg in five months. From 50kg to 60kg; well-shaped and a little thick. It was like Christmas in June until I got a nine to five job that swept me off my joy.

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From 50kg to 55kg; well-shaped and a little thick.

The new weight and look became history. I felt sad and still is. Initially, I tried to keep up with the gym during weekends but it felt like gaining only to lose it the next minute. There was no point. Little stress and small omissions that should become part of life because of our drive to make ends meet are bad for me. Stress like jumping buses from Monday to Friday, skipping meals, working hard, going for holidays…etc. they all take a toll on my weight. Now I weigh 49kg!! And the most unfair part of all these is that I see people who do worse than I do, gaining weight effortlessly while I get thinner than thin. This life is so unbalanced. If riches cannot be equal, let weight be even at least.

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I should chip in that the only sign that I am likely to be as thick as I crave in the future is my butts. There’s something about my butts, as a matter of fact, it is my most precious asset before my *****. It gives me joy that something can at least grow and be visible when you look at me but its glory fluctuates too. Sometimes it appears super full like some huge melons and admirable especially after doing some rigorous squats indoors. Other times my two butt cheeks betray me by looking like pullets. Times like this, don’t tell me I have lost weight, I know, you don’t have to rub it in. The moment someone says to me “Ah Uju, you are starting to lose weight again”… by default my response is usually “Including my butts?”. If they concur automatically I sink into depression because for it to go down, then it is that bad.
Butt clipart animated, Butt animated Transparent FREE for download ...
Including my butts?

IT IS DEPRESSING 

You think that every slim person has it happy right? Well, it’s not the same for me. How do you explain seeing a really gorgeous dress you can afford and you purchase it only for it to be falling off your shoulders? Or the seller subtly screams at your face saying “leave it, it won’t fit you”. Deep down, she knows you won’t bring out the beauty of the dress.

Read: Addiction Is Not As Straightforward As You Think

You also think every slim person got there by default right? “Oh, it’s her nature”… well, it’s not for some. Some people are sick and the more they take their medications, fat has no place to stay. Some slim persons like me cannot even explain their body type. Sometimes I undergo forced feeding yet, nothing to show for it. Just like losing weight is a struggle for some, gaining weight is a slice of tough meat for me.

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Meeting a slim person does not give you the right to start measuring the size of their arm with your fingers. It’s not cute. Or the name callings like “lepa”, “Broom Stick”, “Thinny” etc. These are very ugly names and full-blown body shaming that we have remained oblivious to. Except someone tells you that they like some part of their body, it doesn’t give you the right to assume that it’s good for them and start making jokes. The fact that a lot of people want something doesn’t guarantee that those who have it are happy with it.

I’m GOING BACK!

Well! Well! Well! Maybe you are slim and you love you just the way you are, that’s cool. As for me, l love me and will love me even more with some more flesh.

I want to put on some healthy weight gain. And since I discovered the trick that works best for me is the gym, I’m going back. COVID took the nine to five away so I decided to look on the bright side of things. I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg. I hope to get there before the year runs. Possible? We shall see… I’ll try to keep you posted

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slim
I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg.

My weight is one of my biggest insecurities. Talking about it with you Mutterers brings a sense of relief. Do you mind sharing with me your insecurities too? or perhaps we are walking in the same shoes, I’ll like to hear… or better still you got some advice on how I can gain some weight without going to the gym? 

I’ll be waiting in the comment section.