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December 2020

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7 min read

I’m tired😒, never been so unmotivated to write for myself like I am now😔. That moment where you have a lot of things to say yet you can barely make a sentence out of the bunch and even when you do, your brain welcomes it like soured beans, no sense😪! I was actually writing a story I think is beautiful, but anxiety got the most part of me, or maybe holiday syndrome?🤔

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But I had promised one last straw of creativity to Mutterers, so I kept scribbling words I felt made sense before I came to terms with looking my truth in the eye. I could have completed the story🥺, but I wouldn’t have felt so much love for it, and every time I sip a sentence, down to a paragraph from it, it’s only win will be reminding me of a time where I struggled to make sense🤦‍♀️. I hate to feel this way, the only time I’m allowed to is when I’m at a job interview, and I’m asked “where do you see yourself in five years?”🤨 I always try to make sense by stating a lot of stuff that hasn’t even made it to my bucket list yet🤥…wishful thinking, just because I need the job. Funny how this question is cliché yet hard, it goes to show that not every regular thing is near at hand; some are earth-shattering🥶.

holiday syndrome
Source- Tealink

 

ANXIETY

I don’t know what it is actually, but in these last days of 2020, I have been so tensed that it makes my legs twitch😬. Sometimes I blame it on the many workloads, other times I think there’s something really wrong😒. I get angry too and consciously look for a victim to transfer my aggression🥴. I’ve found myself putting too many chats on mute and even archived them because these individuals have sworn an oath to intensify my anxiety with their text messages always signing off with “ASAP”🙄. You won’t kill me fam! No, you won’t😑! But the biggest scam in all these is Mark Zukerberg😴, how do you make provisions for archiving and muting chats, only for it to get lost in just a second and come back to drive a nail in my eyes the next time the buffoon messages me again🤷‍♀️. Please scrap these features or improve them.  Mute should mean ‘SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY😑!!’…while archiving a chat should mean ‘GET LOST! NEVER TO BE FOUND BITCH😡!’ Not unless I grant you a presidential pardon.

holiday syndrome
Source- Verywellmind

I fought with the love of my life shortly before coming to terms with writing this😤. He advised me to shut my laptop for a while and look for something else to do since the words were not running as fast as a roach avoiding a broom wipe😕. I hated him for saying this, I expected a “baby you got this!”👊 with some other sweet words following. “How can you tell me to give up?😢 I promised one last story for the year, you know what, good night!😕” After I hung up, I went on Whatsapp to dish him an appetizer of my last vent only for the mister to react by sending me several scrolls longer than the one Moses used in repressing the Israelites from their hearts’ filth😭😭. I got so agitated that I began to wonder what the whole argument was about🤔. It was me really🥺. Me feeling tired yet not wanting to accept it😒. Me looking for answers that were already cat walking before my third eye😔.

holiday syndrome
Source- Time Magazine

Sometimes we know what exactly is wrong with us; we just hope the narrative can be changed🥶. In my quest for answers, I felt the sudden urge to hand my burden over to someone else who barely knows me, for some reason I felt running over another close friend will be futile still🤨. “Hey, I’m so exhausted, is it bad if I don’t show up again this year?” Pelumi replied to me with a sad eyed emoji 🥺🥺 and asked if it was work or the website? I couldn’t pin anything in particular, I sure knew I wasn’t feeling good and she said “Maybe holiday syndrome”🤔. The moment she said this, I felt some sort of relief, maybe I wasn’t running mad after all. Then she suggested “What about a short note? You can just wrap up with an appreciation note you know? So it doesn’t seem like you left Mutterers hanging.” The irony right now is that this right here is the 776th word I have written🤣🤣, how does this equate to a short note?🤦‍♀️ I haven’t even birthed my words of appreciation yet😆.

 

MAYBE HOLIDAY SYNDROME

Never have I looked forward to a holiday than this one🥴. Never have I been exhausted from everyone and everything but I am😔. I am too exhausted to a point where it’s affecting my work productivity, I really cannot wait😢. I wish I could be daggered in a box to have my beauty sleep for 600 years🛌 but that will be over my parent’s dead body😤 because I can tell they swore a subconscious oath that while I’m on earth, they will ensure blood and sweat that I may never relax my nerves😭😭. I’m the only child currently in the house, my other siblings fled for safety to avoid unending errands 😒. If you still believe I’m a writer; you are partly wrong🤕, best believe I am a full-time maid who takes care of two elderly babies and two dogs🙄. It’s rotten luck to be the only child in the house, don’t let anyone butter you up with the lie that there will be plenty of food because even if there is, house chores zap you of all the energy you need to enjoy a meal🤮. A malnourished appetite is what you live with, always, and forever🤮.

holiday syndrome
Source- Parents

Most importantly, this holiday, I want to rest. Rest my head and possibly switch off my phones💆‍♀️. I had planned to visit the beach and some other places, but I’ll pass, I really do not have the energy to muster those electrifying beach perfect smiles👩‍🦯. If you plan on spending ample time on your bed like me this holiday, your goal is valid👊. Do not let anyone stop you from loving your bed even though the last time you visited the beach was since you were 10-years-old like me😴.

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Fun is like love. Like you need to love yourself first before you can seek it in someone else, fun is the same, learn to have fun with yourself first🙂. If you haven’t experienced stage one and you decide to throw caution to the wind this season, I pray your beach shirt gets burnt while ironing🤨 or the shoe you reserved for dirty December gets eaten by a rabid dog😕. Nonsense and ingredients😡! You all can’t keep making ‘we’ introverts feel bad🙄.

I WISH YOU ******

I don’t know what you love so that I can wish you get it but I know something you must love, and that’s Muttering Minds😆😆. If you don’t already love this community, then I wish you do😗. I wish you get choked by the obsession of every word here that you are provoked to leave a comment always😊. I wish you spread the goodnews of the interesting stories here aggressively as Paul did in Macedonia to the gospel of Christ😂😂. This is my wish for you, come 2021🤎. Do I sound selfish?🙊 Well, aren’t we all?😜 Or you expected me to say “I wish you what you wish for yourself”? That’s vague and how can I be sure your wish is not my death?🤷‍♀️ It’s out of harm’s way we play this way🤝.

holiday syndrome
Source- Medium

Sincerely, I thank you all for riding with me throughout 2020 ❤ and most especially understanding that I am human too, that’s what I love the most about our relationship here😁.  Your continuity to show up is my drive and be sure I do not take it for triviality. Above all, I wish you a peaceful holiday🤗, and if you ever get bored, feel free to send me an email (mutteringminds@gmail.com) so we can gossip some😜. You do know gossip is good relaxation for the nerves right🤪?

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This is officially the last post for the year💃💃, to resume next year, a date only God has the answer to👩‍🦯. However, I’ll like to officially announce that new stories will now be every Friday or Sunday as opposed to the subtle guesswork trauma I’ve been putting you all through for the past year🤭. Fridays for every other post and Sundays when it is religious inclined🤝. I pray the genie who blesses my spirit with the ingredient to procrastinate and be inconsistent departs from me in the New Year. I GOT THIS!!!💃💃

holiday syndrome
Source- Deviant Art

So let’s talk, what do you look forward to during this holiday?😃 How would you like to spend it? Any wish?😅 Remember, whatever you say is valid. Low-key I’m hoping I’m not alone on this sleep quest🙃, do not betray me, brethren, I repeat, DO NOT! Identify yourselves so I can form a sleep coven😂😂.

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Common, gist me, let’s talk in the comment section😁. And if you got any reservations about all I wrote so far, feel free to say too. I’m waiting. 😁👇

 

 

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7 min read

Sexuality is one of the biggest parts of who we are, it’s a key part of our characteristics that goes a long way into defining our personhood. Your sexuality is like your shadow, you can quench the light to avoid a clear image, but it wouldn’t stop following you everywhere you go. It is part of you.

About a month ago, I read a story on this blog about a lady who narrated how she skipped becoming a lesbian, my story is similar, not skipped, but dipped in a lezzy puddle… I am a lesbian.

lesbian in Nigeria muttering minds
Source- Pitzer College

From the moment I became 9-years-old, my parents started to become insecure because of my rapid growth, I was full in my chest, curvy, and looking sexually attractive for my age. They decided an all-girls school would save me from boys and unnecessary distractions, so my schooling was immediately processed to a missionary school; the holier the better I guess. I was advised to study hard only.

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You know how it is, getting to a new environment, you wanna know what really goes down in Las Vegas. The first orientation I got was tales of how senior students would try to lure junior students to sleep with them. Being inquisitive, I wondered how it would feel like laying with the same sex, I was young and wasn’t even nursing any sex drive. There were some targeted seniors whose names were mentioned to me as lesbians so I had a close gaze fixed on them.

lesbian in nigeria muttering minds
Source-Refinery29

One day during siesta, I decided I wasn’t going to sleep, luckily or maybe unluckily for me, I found these sets of seniors in an enclosed space making out. I could have run off to my room and pretended like I never saw a thing but instead I watched to a point where I got so aroused. Since the incident, I’ll reminisce on all they did and get even more aroused. That memory and feeling lived with me, the more I tried to suppress it, the more I yearned to replicate it with my girlfriends.

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In my JSS 2, my craving for girls became stronger. I heard of how people were caught in the act so I was scared to try or think about it. My school was a missionary school but I saw lots of nasty things girls do. In my JSS 3, a senior approached me to be friends but I declined because everyone knew she was a lesbian. I mean she could have been one in secrecy, I wouldn’t mind, but getting along with someone stale would let my caged cats out of the bag to the whole school.

lesbian in nigeria
Source- The Guardian

There’s this bonding category thing we did in school then,  we get to pair ourselves up for example as PALs(PERSONAL Admirable Lover), SALs (secret admirable lover), a class friend, a JAF(Just A Friend), and even vals during valentines day. This made me have access to different girlfriends for several purposes.  They knew my intention but were scared to try anything out rather we’ll give ourselves pecks, jokingly touched each other’s breast and emphasized how soft, small or big it was.

Read: Men Talk! How to Get Rid of Boners in Public

In my SS1, we were mixed with seniors in the hostel and as fate would play, the senior that tried to toast me in Js3 was in my room. She began sending me love letters which had a way of sparking up my sensual appetite, I looked forward to them. 

lesbian in nigeria
Source- Inspirationfeed

One night, she asked me to sleep on her bed, I agreed. She made attempts to touch me, I refused yet agreed to a kiss. It was my first kiss! It felt good, I wanted more but held back. Unluckily for me, my school mother who was in the same class with her somehow found out we spent the night together and came to accuse me of being a lesbian. I denied it. From there, the gist raised so much dust in the school and without hearing me out, my senior lover broke up with me. My first heartbreak! I was hurt! I cried so much! I pleaded for a comeback, but she was totally done with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, her smell, towel, beddings, and how soft her skin was even though we didn’t smooch. I wish we actually did.

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Well, much later that year, I got close to one of my mates who was very much sexy. I remember vividly our first encounter up the bunk where we talked about sex and one talk lead to another, she asked to make out with me, to which I agreed. When everyone was asleep, she started touching me, it felt so good. I turned to her and we kissed intensely, she touched my breast and smooched my body. I couldn’t help but cooperate, I had never felt that way before. The sensual urge made me feel so wet and then she fingered me countlessly which I enjoyed even more. 

That night opened my eyes going forward. I wanted more of that feeling, I wanted to be around females who looked like they wanted to experiment, I became less apologetic about lesbianism, and couldn’t wait to get out of school.

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lesbian in Nigeria

LEAVING SCHOOL & BEYOND

Leaving school was a different ball game entirely, all the girls I met were all talking about one male crush or the other, the sex adventures they looked forward to, and worse off, I discovered that the outer world was even more hostile about lesbianism. It became more scary and shameful to talk about my sexuality.

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I pressured myself into having a relationship with a male, just to be sure there was nothing wrong with me. We had good sex but believe me, it wasn’t as great as the lady I had been with. To enjoy the sex, I’ll imagine I was sexing a lady, her eating me out, sucking my boobs until my nipples turn red and more… all these imageries to get me to enjoy my time with a man. Maybe I am bisexual, just maybe…all I know is I prefer anything sensual with females.

lesbian in Nigeria

Luckily for me one time, I reconnected with my high school lover, that chic, and we had the most erotic bedroom adventure ever. Asides from the romance, the emotions, getting to hold a lady after such a long time, looking into her eyes and stuff, felt like magic. That moment gave me the closure I needed on my sexuality. I accepted that I am a lesbian and there was nothing I could do about it other than to live with it.

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Although It’s hard to find lesbians who come out open in Nigeria, because of the stigma, we connect through groups online and so far I have met a handful of amazing lesbians. Sometimes if it’s my lucky day, I get approached by a lady. Somehow I feel scared that I might have to bend for society someday because I wanna get married and have kids. So far the men I’ve met and opened up to about my sexuality appeared cool but marriage might not be easy. I have this idea of having a threesome with my husband, I think I can stomach it that way.

lesbian in Nigeria

On this note, I’ll like to add that the world is unfair to my kind, especially in Africa, Nigeria. Sex is one of the most popular topics discussed on a daily, yet it is truncated. How do you ask a person their opinion about sex without asking them about their sexuality? This should go hand in hand. Straight people enjoy sex talk until you let them in on your secret and then they make you feel creepy about it. What’s so creepy about being a lesbian or bisexual? How hard is it for straight people to understand that just the same way they cannot explain how they arrived at their sexuality, it’s the same for others? 

Read: Hypocrites! Homosexuality Is Not A Crime

Even though my profession will not permit me to identify with my sexuality, I hope that one day LGBTQ is made legal in Nigeria. Being bisexual, gay, or lesbian in Nigeria is not something that should be a secret, it’s something we should be bold about, we are humans too and deserve equal treatment. There are many LGBTQ persons in Nigeria, it could be your sister or your little brother who’s always by himself, seeming depressed and with low self-esteem. This, to say the least, is what suppressing sexuality does to a person, it’s suicide.

Let me ask you, in a world that’s homophobic if your child told you they were gay or lesbian, what would you do? I’ll also love to hear your candid opinion on homosexuality in Nigeria and if you are not straight, please feel free to leave me an insight on your sexuality discovery and journey. How did you get there? when did you discover YOU? And so far how’s it been?  The admin assured me here is a safe place, hence a partly motivation for sharing my story, I look forward to your comments. 👇👇

 

 

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9 min read

Hehehehehehe😁…laughter not too funny yet funny☺…Shall we? So this is our first virtual court case on Muttering Minds where both warring parties don’t get to see yet debate tooth and nail on my proposed topic, weighing the odds and bright sides from their personal biased view😉.

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Shall we? Is age really just a number especially when it comes to relationships or a sour lime we painstakingly shove past our throat under the aegis of “live and let live”🤔? Ladies, would you for any reason accommodate yourself in a relationship with a younger guy? Men, how attractive are older women for an item before they get like rotten bananas and are disposed of😏? 

older the berry

Source- Red Bubble

First Hearing (MEN🤤)- Representative Brawn

The older the berry, the sweeter the ***** (fill the gap🤤). Older women have always fascinated me since my teenage years. Their poise and psychological makeup are unmatched. And dammit she got big titties🤤🤤…O dear Delilah, just come and ride my horse however you please while I get hypnotized by those not pluckable yet suckable oranges as they bounce through left🥵, right up and down while my pupil tries to keep up a steady gaze and my tongue lusts to taste the areola🥵🥵.

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Older women are not caught up in childish games these smelly young girls are fond of🤮. They aim at their prey and fire the shot. My first sex experience was with an older lady; it’s one worthy of hitting the Guinness record because dear mama took me on a whirlwind of romance and aggression🥵🥵. I felt like a pro, I can imagine having that with a girl my age and looking for the clitoris or vagina🙄. I bet she’ll laugh and then go over to tell her folks how slow I am😖. Older women don’t care, they teach you how to worship them🤤🤤.

the older the berry

I met an older chic during my WAEC examination, that was my first encounter. She was my first target after a series of fantasies and alas faith brought us together🙈. She stood out beautifully to an extent all the boys wanted her. We sat closely for two weeks but never spoke yet every night I’ll fantasize about the shape of her butt🙈🤤.

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I was too shy to approach her and as though nature wanting to play unfortunate cards, my close friend started telling me about how much he’s been crushing on her😖. There was too much joy written all over his face, would this mean me respecting the bro code? Well, we’ll see about that. The next day he came over to my class and tried talking to her and that’s how I got involved🤣🤣. Like such a moment where your friend brings a babe and you suddenly become the comedian🤣🤣. I laughed at him in my mind yet acted like I didn’t know what game I was playing🙃.

older the berry
Source- Artland

I and the barbie got along, it was a rare connection. Tell you what, she’s also been low key feeling the boy for a while😎. She knew my name, birth date, and added that we share the same birth month but different years. I was shocked because, despite the long tail difference in age, she accommodated my friendship☺.  

Read: Let’s Play a Game… Fetish or Obsessions?

To cut to the chase, she asked me out. Such bravery! And she didn’t die o😌. We kept the relationship on a low and since she was my seat partner nobody suspected. If you’ve watched “A Fall From Grace”, that was how everything went (excluding the scam🤗). She was all colors of romantic, and the sex like I described earlier was the bomb🧨. Unfortunately, we lost communication after the exams because my phone caught a fever and my not so darling friend who still remains pissed about what happened in the ’90s blatantly refused to give me her number🤣.

the older the berry
Source- Juliet Allen

It was all fun while it lasted though. Call me strange, but I sometimes feel I am living way above my age especially in my love life😉. She raised the bar for me and since then I get entwined with older women. I’ve tried girls my age but nahhhhh🤮, they seem to mess it up one way or the other especially with silly demands (begi begi FC🙄).

Read: Am I the Only One Who Can’t Stand Kids?

Hmmmmmm so would I get married to an older woman🤔? Well, this is tough. Asides that it’s hard to find an older woman who can throw caution to the wind and tell society that she’s in love with a young man old enough to be her son, childbearing comes to mind too😖. I love kids and there’s this thing I heard about older women not being able to have kids when they turn 40. I stand corrected🙈.

the older the berry or
Source- Self.com

Also, the imagined screams of my mother saying “Abomination!!! Abomination!!!” 🤣🤣the moment I dare introduce a woman twice my age as a wife🤣🤣. And again, would she accord me due respect as the man of the house? *Covers face*. At the end of the day, I’ll be back to marrying one of these younger ladies who think they know it all🥺🤨. The older the berry, the sweeter the juice… but this particular juice is like munching on sugar cane, sapping the juice, and throwing the shaft away😪. Unfortunately, the joy doesn’t last, especially in this part of our world🥺. However, until marriage calls (that’s if it ever will😌) I’ll be on my grind cruising on matured titties of older women🤤. Until then…

 

Second Hearing (Women🤯)- Representative JULES

“Jules, I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said to me pleading and sober. Nah, this is a pretentious act to get me to accept his foolery huh🙄? “What if I hadn’t subconsciously glanced through your International Passport guy🤯?” Finding out his real age on that green sheet made me swore I had dyslexia,  that’s how much I trusted him🧐.

Whaaaatttt! I’ve been dating a younger male for four months and I freaking had no clue🤯.

“I thought you were okay with dating a younger male?”, my girlfriend asked in response to my lamentations🥺.

the older the berry
Source- The Mother Hen

I’ve always been of the idea that it doesn’t matter who’s older in the relationship, so long as there’s an understanding and love, as the heart chooses who it accepts and there’s nothing you can do about it. But you know it’s easier said than done🤨. Liesssss oooo🤨🤨. Experiencing it first hand is a different ball game entirely😪. 

Read: Maybe it’s Saner to Hide your Real Age or…

“Wait babe, you mean to tell me I’m two years older than you are when all the while I’ve been thinking you’re 3years older than me?” Ah🤯, Julesbaeby you’ve hit the bottom rock🏽‍♀️ men will always embarrass you no matter their age tueh🤮! I felt abused, by a minor for that matter and this wasn’t a good feeling at all😵.

the older the berry
Source- Hunter and Bligh

Love hits differently for a lady when she realizes her heart craves the attention of a man younger than she is. Staying strong for me, I let go of the idiot🙄, bearing in mind to always enlist age as a first date question with proof of birth of course😂! You see the beard gang members especially, do not be deceived by the number of hairs fallowing under their jaws and across their chins, it’s a facade😂😂. Most of their ages are not even up to a fraction of the hair strands you see. ASK THEIR AGE O!😂😂

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It seems like the idiot forgot to close the gate on minors after he vanished as more began to flood me afterward🤧. “She’s a small girl, let me shoot my shots”… perhaps there’s nothing cute about owning a small body otherwise how would this dunce I’m ten years older than have the courage to profess decayed love to me😩😩?

the older the berry
ASK THEIR AGE!

Did I really learn my lessons? 

Fast forward>>>>> I got introduced to this handsome well built young man after a series of failed relationships😣. 

Please pay attention…

My first conversation with him was magical and I thought, “this is it!”. But as a Lagos girl who prides in being chased by a man🙃, I took my time to let things play out while observing due protocols like daily checkups, (as per doctor😂), mushy texts, and sharing food of course😜. Meanwhile, I was flashing green lights like a traffic warden “Brother ask me out now, let me just say YES🤣🤣”.

Read: Stop the Deceit! Whoever you are Dating Owes You!

One day, I saw “In case you’ve been wondering who my heart beats for🏾” captioned on a post he made on his WhatsApp status🙈, I immediately reached for my medicated lens to be sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me as to whom the caption was referring to. His next post read “Happy nerdy birthday to the LOML”.Then I paused and thought aloud🤔, “I’m a nerd, but today’s not my birthday, is this a prank😩?”, and then boom the face was revealed. I swallowed my greenlight at that point and didn’t care if it’ll choke me😵😖.

the older the berry

I caught myself typing “Happy birthday to bae”, and NO! I didn’t mean that at all, “You’re a mother fucker” was what I intended to type😩.

I stopped communicating with him afterward, till karma brought him to me unannounced at an event. We got along well enough and I realized I still had a soft spot for him🙃, up until we had the dreaded age conversation and it was revealed I was 6years older🤯.

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“Whaaaatttt!!! child abuse!!!”. We had already done some tasty lip-locking🤮, monkey bed adventures🤮, nothing short of a love cruise😵. Where do I begin to end this menace🥶? Maybe this was why he introduced me to “The Men’s Club” series, he must have known of the age gap all along and was hoping I could be his Mrs. Lawson. Well, too bad my laws will not harbor any supposed son as a lover. Never😖! 

older the berry

No doubt Frank is a very nice and sweet guy but the age difference is terrifying😭. I weighed our communication wave since we met and realized I have been more of a mother figure than a lover😤. I carried his emotional baggage, gave him the best advice and I’m sure lowkey I served as his tutor to loving his girlfriend even more😡. That moment when you dish smart advice to someone and they flip the table when you are not there like they are the ones who came up with it😤. I know that nigga did that. Maybe a subliminal action from him but that’s what comes with dating a minor as a lady🤮. 

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Putting a “JUST GOOD BUDDIES” tag on Frank was a good decision for me. Ain’t nobody being a rehab or mother figure😌, I’ll rather be buried six feet with my feelings, cold and single still😌. Ladies! If you think you can deal with dating a younger male, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t want to learn🛀.

older the berry

Your Verdict

*Coughs*🤣🤣…Ladiessssss…do you agree with your representative; darling Jules😄? Guyssssss did your guy Brawn make any sense😌? Is age really a number especially when it involves romantic relationships? Let’s talk. As a lady, would you date a younger man for any reason? And what’s the age difference you can accommodate😃? If you’ve had such an experience, it will be interesting to fill us in about how it went down☺…or how it’s going😉. To the men, let’s know your sentiments toward older women in a relationship🤓. 

Despite meeting a series of guys who’ve said to me that they prefer older ladies, I have never met a lady who openly says that she loves them young😏. So who are the ladies dating younger guys🤔? Perhaps it’s much fun in secrecy huh🤭? This is a fun topic… let’s discuss in the comment section. Shall we?👇👇

 

 

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