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March 2021

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7 min read

“Is it a sin? Shouldn’t it be just masturbation?” I ask myself these questions every time I feel that sensation inside my vagina. An urge so tingling, I twitch my legs and if I’m seated, I move my buttocks quite mildly but intensely felt in my clit.  I want to touch myself so badly, and the urge only gets higher, making me a slave to it, a slave who wants more.  I look around to see if the coast is clear, without much looking, I find myself in the toilet, trying so hard to quieten my moan whilst I take my fingers in and out of my vagina streets. “Ahhh mmmm ah”, I moan, and pant slowly, suddenly there’s a wet rush streaming out of my vagina. Oooooh, what a mad ass satisfaction. I put my panties on and head to bed, but guess who wakes up? My conscience! How can one be so satisfied yet feeling enormous guilt? Who crowned masturbation a sin?

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If anyone ever told me that I, a Christian girl brought up with gory tales of hellish fire and brimstone when I do as little as stealing a piece of meat from my mama’s pot, would be confessing to masturbation, I would have differed. Not because the fact about me is a lie but because it’s a part of me I intend to continue enjoying in secrecy than tell anyone about it. No one who masturbates openly declares it and even when caught, it becomes the most revered embarrassing moment of our life.

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For Women, Masturbation is a Sin.
Source- Medium

 

My First Sensual Realization

But can you blame this church girl who was raised to believe that spending too much time washing her vagina was a sin worthy of purgatory? My first realization of my sensuality was when I was about 9 and my mother would beat me for dry-humping a pillow. I, an innocent girl who didn’t even know what dry-humping was, received lots of cane, slap, and pepper-in-the-vagina threats many times than I can count from my African mother who believed anything abnormal was spiritual. At that age, I felt the urges, it was a sweet feeling without a name, I had no sex education, and the only way I could appease what I felt was by sliding my vagina on a pillow.

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If you were raised by such a mother you’d likely understand what my experience was like. Need I mention the exorcism events, aka, deliverance sessions when I was forcefully taken to the pastors to get the demon out of me? I loved my mother and she was the most amazing and sacrificial mother when it came to my wellbeing. She was doing motherhood the best way she knew how to but she was blinded to the changes that were occurring during her time. The same way we pretend that child molestation doesn’t happen within our homes or that 1 out of 4 children gets exposed to sex and sexual experiences right from the age of 6. Well, I’m one of such children who can’t tell exactly when I started getting stimulated sexually.

child abuse and masturbation

But as a clueless child, teenager and sister, I saw the confusing images on TV of women on women, men on men, men on women, and other horrifying things that first made my heart pound. After the heart-pounding, my brain gets stimulated so much that I had to practice the overwhelming images in my head. My parents paid no attention however and likewise were ignorant of the erotic magazines my brothers hid between their clothes and the porn they watched with zero volume when everyone was asleep. Well I always pretended to be asleep but made sure to position my head rightly so I could watch too.

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To backtrack a bit, I remember the first time I saw the erotic CDs in the house, my brother had brought them home. I was still a little girl, and on the first scene of bumping into him watching these, I developed a huge shock. The images were so terrifying, I promised to throw the CD’s away without his knowledge. Eventually, I threw them and was severely beaten by him. As time went on, I always bumped into my brother masturbating, I’ll feel irritated but he always wore no remorse. These acts damaged me psychologically, and worse off, I became an addict too.

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I can say I lost my virginity to a pencil or any other object I was using to reach pleasure. I fumbled through teenagehood with frustrated unsatisfactory masturbation and mastered the skill when I neared adulthood.

child masturbation and abuse
Source- Community Care

 

Grown Older…Still Masturbating

My feelings of heavy guilt, shame, a better understanding of the side effects of excessive masturbation, and personal beliefs helped me slow down as I grew older but it’s hard to stop something that grew up with you. It’s like trying to shed your skin. 

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I’ve come to accept some things about myself: that I was awakened early and it’s not my fault. I can’t enjoy sex outside marriage (I’ve tried it, didn’t work), I get horny like every other woman during her ovulation and as an active sexual being, I need to take the edge by touching myself and fingering my vagina. That’s how I get really satisfied, you might conclude I’m addicted to masturbating but I have stopped beating myself up about something I cannot miraculously change. 

Solo Female Masturbation
Source- Motion Porn

 

Masturbation Has Its Perks

The word ‘masturbate’ has been painted so dirty and I think that we should cut loose some slack. There’s a fine side to every bad behavior, masturbation inclusive. It saves me from piling body counts, why have premarital sex when I can easily satisfy myself sexually with my finger or pencil. Ps. I do not advise putting a pencil in your vagina cause that shit is painful as hell. Might not be able to count how many times I’ve masturbated but I can count how much I’ve had sex. In a society where trying to abstain is an up the hill task, masturbation should not be condemned.

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I see a guy I want in my bed, I lose my senses talking to him, and I know myself, if he as much gets in an enclosed space with me, I’ll take his pants off. But guess what brings me to order? Masturbation! The moment I flick the bean, it’s like a scale falls off my eyes, there’s no way in heaven I’ll be wanting him in my bed again. Recently I heard of a close friend who attempted rape, I felt too sorry for him and I thought “if only he had just wanked, I’m sure he would have been able to control himself”.

male masturbation
Source- Medium

Not advising anyone out there to masturbate, no. If you aren’t sexually active, awesome for you! If you masturbate, I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much. Like I said earlier, trying to retrace my steps in adulthood feels like shedding my skin, so I’ll just embrace the perks. I argued with myself on what to tell and what to keep unsaid here but I decided I’ll be as open as possible, especially since there are so many other ‘ladies’ out there like me who can’t share their truth. Emphasis on ‘ladies’ because compared to men, we are more ashamed to say we masturbate. 

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So on a scale of 0-10 how much guilt do you feel when you masturbate? Notice there was no prior question like “Do you masturbate”, cause I know how uncomfortable that question is and I bet that your answer will be a hesitant “No or Yes”. If anything, sharing this part of me on Muttering Minds I believe is a step to make me feel less guilty, and I hope that you are free in telling me about your masturbation experience too. 

masturbation

Are you addicted to masturbation? What were your early experiences like and how is it now? Are you convinced it’s a sin? Also if you broke free from the addiction, I’ll appreciate it if you can let me in on how you succeeded. To the readers who don’t masturbate, I’ll also love to hear your unique opinion about it. Please indulge me,  by leaving your sincere comments and thoughts, by the way, it’s my first time sharing my story on Muttering Minds lol.👇👇

 

 

 

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9 min read

Dear mum, do you sometimes feel like my social life is ruined because of the man you married? I see it in your eyes, whenever you talk about some specific kids my age, the opportunities they get, and how you wish one of your kids will at least catwalk in similar shoes. You want more, I see it but for the most part, you’re scared you would never get it. The entirety of your wanting more is for your kids and you’re too scared to admit that things could have been more bliss but for the glitch in parenting. I know deep down when you have your sober reflections, you cut a larger piece of the blame for yourself. You detest the social awkwardness your children suffer but unfortunately, it is who we are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself mum, or fault the stricken strictness of your husband, I must confess, I’ve grown to enjoy the beauty of my personhood, I’m entertained by my baby steps even in adulthood.

Dear Mum
Source- Curly Nikky

Why worry about my love life mum? Did you expect I would have tied the knot so easy? You did I know, and it’s a shame. How do you plant corn seeds and expect to reap big tubers of yam? Every time you say “Ujunwa you must marry o, onye amuru na amu ibe ya (He that is birthed must birth)”, I get attracted to the frustration that strengthens the tone of your voice and the confused rotation of your eyes. You hate my nonchalance towards marriage I know, hence me making sure my first response is usually “Na so” (a payback maybe). Even though you emphasize my age, I know it’s the least of your worries. You’re scared something is wrong with me psychologically, you regret not creating a bond between us from inception. Well, I used to be a lot in my feelings when I was much younger about this, especially when I hear someone say “My mum is my best friend”, I lowkey hated them for having what I could never have, but along the line, I figured it’s still surreal to have best friends who are not mums. 

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dear mum
Source- Proverbs 31

Hmmm, mum, you mean to tell me that one day, I’ll have to foot the bills of my kids as you and Dad do? Scary shit! I think of you sometimes and I wonder how rich you’ll have become if you didn’t birth any kids. “Mummy this! Mummy that! Mummy this” from every corner of the home even down to the extended family. When I was younger, I was lowkey scared, I thought you needed help psychologically because there was rarely a time I’ll barge into your room and not find you talking to yourself. “Watch mummy, she’s always talking to herself”, I once hinted at my sister frightfully, but the she-goat wasn’t as sensitive. Reminiscing on those moments as an adult, now I can relate. The bills were so overwhelming, I bet you cried your eyes silly sometimes but stupid me always bragged to my friends in high school about how rich my parents are. It’s not my fault, there was not one thing I asked that you didn’t make sure was provided, even when dad reiterated how trivial it was, you made sure I and my siblings got it.

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I had never felt so much guilt spending your money until the conversation we had some time last month and you openly said your salary before you retired banking was N120,000. What!! I held myself throughout the gist and amid the laughter, I was breaking inside and that night I suffered a lack of sleep and shed a few tears thinking about you and how much dad’s salary would have been too because he was also a banker. The salary you used in sustaining a home was my first job salary which I considered too small, I still cannot imagine how you were able to send 5 kids to good schools, clothing, feeding, etc. I regret tripling my school fees and money for handouts, I guess I was influenced by my brother who one time said to me “Anything they ask you to pay for in school, better double it, mummy and daddy have money, they’re just pretending”. For some reason, these words stuck with me through university, If I had known how much you were earning I swear I would have been considerate.

dear mum
Source- Alpha Image

The Sex Conversation

Another thing I’ll be shocked to find out is if you still have sex mum. I watch you and sometimes your eyes tell that you’re unhappy for some key reasons yet you run with the bias that “mothers are supposed to keep the home, and not show fragility!” I see how you smile watching your favourite sitcom, ‘The Johnsons’, especially the hilarious lovey-dovey scenes of the couple characters Emu and Lucky. You wish you could share love gestures like that with your husband huh? I know. Do you still have sex? I doubt. I figured you got tired of wanting some things and adjusted, now you’re such a good actor who suffers a romantic awkwardness with her husband. I wish we could have a sex conversation, I long to know your definition of a spark and your fantasies about marriage. It’s glaring there’s a lot you hide in those cupboards locked in your eyes.

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I know you’re eager to know if I’m sexually active too but you’re not sure if my answer will break or merry your heart. You could have asked during the Vagina pills conversation, but you blew your shot by feigning ignorance as usual. Well, I suffered genophobia for decent years and all I needed were the words of a mum or better put, my mum, holding my hands and saying summarily to me “It’s not that deep”

Genophobia dear mum
Source- Deviant Art

 

The Death Conversation

I hate how brutally honest you’re with death, although you’re dramatic when you cry over death, yet your move on is superb. When I lost my close friend Blessing and always cried my eyes out and got scared to sleep, I hated how you handled it. “You better stop crying, your friend has left this wicked world and you’ll leave one day too”, despite admitting you’ve never seen me that broken yet you refused me succour. You said the bitter truth though but still…you made me question your tendencies of being heartless especially when I hinted at seeing her in my dream and you quickly rebuked it. I went on to ask if you’ve seen your late father in the dream and with a much covered up hostile tone, you responded  “What for? My father is resting peacefully, only dead people who are bad are seen in dreams”. This tops the list of  the ignorant things  you’ve ever said.

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If you die today Mum, I’ll still love to host you in my dreams just to have you echo my name, and annoy me with silly chores like calling me on the phone to help you get something from the fridge even though you’re seated literally at arm’s length from the fridge. I’ll still love to see you for sometime mum. You’re right about the need to move on after death, I just hate your approach in telling it.

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donate a penny muttering minds

A Few Yet Huge Lessons

You are not among the most popular or powerful women in the world, not every mum is. We might not have had any tangible mother-daughter conversation, it doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything from you. I have learned so much. Ooo boy! You’re a fervent preacher of ‘Savings’, although I somewhat hate how you preach it harshly and remind me of impending sufferings if I do not adhere. I know you think I’m a dummy in this aspect but ever heard of the saying “Never tell your parents how much you’re earning and how much you’ve saved”? Don’t be scared, I have some little saved. And your trenchant wit quote “Not having money is a sin” has become my mantra too, again don’t be scared, I wouldn’t end up poor.

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I learned the beauty of  “Support being reciprocal” from you. When I observed that sometimes the blended tomatoes in the house is sometimes sour and other times sweet. I asked why and you opened up about rotating two different sellers. I complained that you ditched the bad tomato seller but you told me it wasn’t possible because both women buy from you. You added that support is reciprocal and that even if it meant having to eat not too good tomatoes for a week, you’ll bear it. Since that conversation mum, I make sure to support every friend’s business who reads my blog as much as I can. However, in an attempt to practice rotating among my two cloth vendor friends who are dedicated readers of my blog, like the bad tomato seller, one served me shitty customer service, to date, I have not gotten my dress. My encounter is not to nullify your lesson on support but opens my eyes on the unreliable nature of some folks.

lessons from my dear mum
Source- Purpose Focus Commitment

*******

Dear mum, most of the words written here are the conversations I wish we could have or you should know. This should be the right opportunity but unfortunately, you don’t read my blog. No, I’m not pissed, I promise. I only feel it’s a subconscious tit for tat as I hate to unhook your bra on most occasions. No hard feelings, only that you mostly show up when I’m having a not-so-good time.

ABOUT YOUR MUM

Last week was mother’s day and before it,  I’ve been asking some close friends when exactly is Mother’s day cause I know there’s usually an established confusion with the dates, all thanks to varying church denominations. I had prepared pointers for this story some months ago and felt having it published on Mother’s Day would be great but how unfortunate, I missed the rapture. I was amused to see “happy mothers day mum”, on almost everyone’s story last Sunday and went on to query my friend Bubu for not keeping me abreast. Her hilarious response via chat was “Who you blame? This one is not acknowledged on Google, they said this one na pentecostal mother’s day, catholic’s own is still coming, then the one that is recognized worldwide is on its way too”.

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Hmmmmm, rather than miss the next and even the next, I decided to have this post come up today because there’s every likelihood that I’m gonna be caught unaware the umpteenth time. Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?

Mother's Day letter
Source- Learned English

Anyway, I want us to talk about our mothers today, not in the cliche way that we’re fond of, for instance “My mum is the best mum in the world”, you know that’s a fallacy right? I want this version of describing mums to be real, vulnerable, and unique. Those little and big bits you’ve observed about your mum, those words you wish you could say, conversations you should have had, let’s talk! Telling some sides of the story will most definitely hurt you, or make you tear up like I did when writing this, but I want you to be vulnerable in telling. If your mother is late or peradventure you were abandoned as a child, I urge you, don’t feel left out, please share. I’m sure you have memories and if not, there are still some things you wish you could say to them. Feel free.

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Like you’ve read mine, please leave yours in the comment section so we can all learn. You might not be able to write as long as I did, but I’m sure you can pick an intense part of the narrative to relay. So shall we👇👇.

 

 

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7 min read

Things are never as they seem especially when you’re not walking in the exact shoes. I wouldn’t want to conclude that we lie through our teeth when we make some affirmations about ourselves, all I’ll say is that exuberance gets the better part of us when we do. Until push comes to shove, we will never know who we really are,  until then, we keep qualifying ourselves with words that sound good, portray us in a fine light, and most apt of all, massage our ego.

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“After my graduation, I am going to marry a beautiful damsel, I’m going to treat her like a queen; I will never cheat on her or lay my hands on her. I am going to so pamper her to a point where people will think she uses voodoo to control me, but I won’t care.” These were the aesthetic words my elder brother used in describing his envisaged marriage to his best friend during a conversation in 1993, I was fortunate to hear them converse and I decided that very moment it was going to be my life too.  But how unfortunate, my elder brother had married three times since 1999.

cheating on my wife

Few months before I got married to my sweetheart less than a decade ago, I told myself that no other woman would have carnal knowledge of me. Cheating was a huge NO for me, I felt too sure I was going to uphold my marriage vows till I’m six feet beneath. However, a few weeks after our wedding, my heartbeat had to jet off Nigeria to head a company overseas, she, unfortunately, wouldn’t be visiting home in about twelve months.

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Oh, I didn’t tell you that I love sex more than food, I easily point out the weakness and lack of skills of many porn stars effortlessly. I am that good. My libido is indescribable. I studied sex. My baby is extremely good too. Now, we were about to leave without it for more than a year, it didn’t look like a big deal because I held our marriage vows sacred and the love we share is precious too.

cheating on my wife (blue balls)
Source- Times of India

However, after many months went by, I started to feel very uncomfortable anytime I got aroused through wet dreams or sensual thoughts; I felt serious pain in my testicles. When a man is aroused, sperm is generated in the testicles and the sperm gathered in the scrotum causes discomfort because they are not released. I took to a habit of masturbation to get rid of the semen out of my system but only a little semen can be released through masturbation. Also, coupled with all the other side effects and the disadvantages of masturbation, I became frustrated and very sex-starved.

The Last Straw

For a while, I still kept on with masturbation because it was the most I could do, I couldn’t tell my wife how I was feeling sexually for fear of distrust with her thinking I might be tempted to cheat. One day, I was out with a female friend in an open space but for some reason, I couldn’t place it, I got aroused in the process, maybe because I hadn’t come that close to a female since my wife traveled. I was having an erection as we spoke and couldn’t bear the pain in my testicles too as I could neither stand nor walk to where I would board a cab. The pain was so much that two people alongside the lady had to come over to help me stand on my feet.

cheating on my wife; Blue balls
Source- YouTube

“Are you sex-starved?” the lady asked me days after the incident while she came visiting me at home. The question made me stutter, I was embarrassed to admit it, apparently, she linked what happened the other day to lack of sex. She offered to give me a blowjob with a stern warning never to touch her because she was a virgin. Somehow the bias of it being just a blowjob and the fact that she was a virgin made it sound cool. I was torn between upholding my marital vows or setting for a blow job.

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“It’s just a blow job, nothing more! Calm down”, I said these words in my mind trying to justify the act; after all, I won’t have to kiss her nor sex her right? I obliged and she seductively unbelted my trouser and got working on my dick. I knew I was cheating on my wife regardless of my zest to justify it as “just a blowjob”.  While she kept taking my dick in and out of her mouth with numerous strokes, I didn’t forget about my marriage vows. I remembered the beauty of my wife and the excellence of our marriage but none of them could stop me at this point. To feel less of a sinner, I at some point imagined it was my wife performing the act, her facials and moan but…

cheated on my wife; blow job
Source- Amazon

THE BEGINNING AND HICCUPS

Truthfully, It was one of the best relievers I had had in a long time; my semen was as warm as pap and I felt better. The act crowned the beginning of my life as a cheating husband because tell you what, I can’t stop even if I tried. And despite showing off my marital status, the ladies I meet still wanted me in bed. 

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Do I feel sad for being a cheat? At the initial stage, I felt bad, but there’s something about committing a sin without getting caught that makes you want to do it over and over. For some weird reasons, it feels like the ladies I usually have extramarital affairs with makes the bond with my wife stronger. My getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere makes  me bug less about her return, all I do is support her with affection over the phone and dish career advice.

cheating on my wife
Source- Shutter Stock

No one ties the knot with a mindset that they are going to cheat, circumstances make people cheat. Maybe I would still be cheating on my wife if the distance wasn’t a barrier because who knows, another factor could have led to cheating. For instance, my best friend married his virgin angel who has a lower libido than him, they created a love-making timetable but the lady would choose to fast and pray the day they ought to make love just to avoid sex. My friend is now an unrepentant cheat.

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Olu, my friend married his sex-freaked girlfriend, they share three children but he loves to have sex with ladies with much better touches. His wife enjoys penetration, she is not really good at oral sex and she doesn’t see why she has to learn it. Today, the beautiful haven they had as a home is now a beautiful past event.

Spit or Swallow - A Blow Job Beginner's Guide to Spitting or Swallowing
Source- Cosmopolitan

Tope, my old neighbor lost his wife to a distant friend because he stopped showering and brushing his mouth before going to bed as he felt it is not really important like it used to be when they were dating. He cried, he begged but he lost her after more than a year of her cheating behind closed doors.

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I also have a lady friend that got married to her first university love and his cheating lifestyle began after two kids. The lady got solace from a male friend that was also broken and the chemistry was irresistible, in the process, she discovered love-making can be heaven on earth; she thus desired much more of it.

 

FINITO!

One bitter truth no one likes to voice is that marriage vows do not stop cheating.  Cheating is not necessarily an absence of love but certainly an absence or presence of some variables. Research tells us that more than 50% of couples felt they married the wrong persons in the first five years of their marriages. Many of them desire divorcé and/or engage in extramarital affairs. Time, events, and unity of purpose are what solidifies marriages, not vows or promises.

Do I think my wife is cheating on me too? Most likely yes! But I’ll be a very foolish man to ask her that question. At some point, she’d have wanted sex and a man gotta do what he gotta do right?

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I decided to share my story here especially for people who think that marriage vows are everything needed to keep a home, and to those who condemn divorcees and write comments on blogs affirming “I don’t care what happens, my own marriage will work”. Interesting! Do you really think these couples didn’t fight to protect their marriage? Do you think they gave up just like that? Only he that wears the shoes knows where it pinches most so I’ll advise you to wait your turn.

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cheating on my wife

Just like I’ve relayed my experience sincerely, I’ll like to ask, can you open up to your spouse or partner if you cheated on them? My wife will be home soon finally, never to be apart and I really want us to work, I want us to start making babies too and I’m thinking the first step should be opening up about my cheat life with hopes that I don’t go back to committing such sin again and also so I don’t feel guilty. Would the best approach be letting her in on my cheat life? If you are in her shoes, would you forgive me?

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Also, I’ll like to ask the married ones reading this, have you ever cheated on your spouse? How did you feel the first time you cheated? If you’ve stopped cheating, how did you manage to navigate back to morality? I’ll appreciate your comments👇👇👇.