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June 2021

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7 min read

Each passing day, all I have left are the trails of the event, not how it started. It all made sense now what my dad said about “enemies lurking in the courtyard and perpetrators being your close ones”. It took me 7 years to realize I held myself hostage for a crime I did not commit. I beat myself up emotionally for failing when I did not know better.

There was this wave of adulthood I felt and I was barely 14. I became really guarded and secretive. I wanted to prove myself worthy of love. I was hungry for affection and Care. I needed someone to call my own. Guess it’s what they often say about the odds of being birth in a polygamous family; mine was built by an aging father. My ever-busy mum had just me and my introverted sister in a colony where everyone fought for themselves. I was alone, trying to navigate the sharks and perks of teenagehood. One thing was non-negotiable for my sister and me; quality education and I compensated by excelling in everything except mathematics. Getting a tutor for extra maths classes was the best move for my parents but the beginning of my woes.

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romance with my teacher

AN ANGELIC DEMON

Dreaded by all,  good with words but better with the whip…although deficient in looks, his genius brain was a glory to behold. He was a science teacher in my school, very charming in a weird way every girl would kill for a spot at his table. My smart mouth and my mother’s money secured me one and alas, he became my tutor in mathematics. The formulas remained a difficult nut to crack for my brain but the more I deteriorated in comprehending, the more he was relentless in making sure it sank. He listened, he cared not just about my academics but my wellbeing. He asked my opinion on things, was bothered if I had eaten, helped shape my dreams, and importantly, made me believe I was worthy. He was everything my parents were not. Before long, I fell helpless in love or better still in romance with him, my maths tutor. I was 14!

Read: From Abuse to Addiction

His favorite place was the science laboratory except he was parading to lay hold of a scapegoat roaming the corridor (You know how it is in secondary schools). I was not in science class but I stayed in the lab even more than the keeper. School usually closed at 4 pm after which I’ll start my extra class by 4:30 pm with a junior male student whose class ended by 6:30 pm while mine continued. 

romance with my maths teacher in the lab
Source- Vox

Like I mentioned at the beginning, I have no vivid memory of how the romance with my teacher blossomed into light, I just found myself in the mix of getting bewitched by his charms which I always enjoyed. Mathematics was hard but there was something about him that made failing really nice. I did not get better at solving maths problems but I looked forward to his soothing caress after every failed attempt. He scolds me, I shed a tear or more and he brings me close, and hugs me really tight. He smelt really good then but picking up the smell now makes my head swim. He was good at scolding yet made me feel good at the same time. Before I knew it, we’ll start kissing, he’ll fondle my tender breasts and subdue my mouth with his extra full lips while his tongue went down my throat and his finger worked my clitoris. 

HE UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT

I always felt shrills down to my feet. He knew when and how to touch me and likewise tutored me how to fondle his penis instead of holding the lab cabinet while I moaned gently in the dark with no one in sight. One creepy occurrence was when my eyes caught the lab skeleton in a corner with its jagged jaw. It felt like it wore this look of surprise and sorry for me at the same time. How did I become this? How did my parents trust me to be in the care of a man all for learning the wheels of mathematics?

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teacher molesting student
Source- Voices of San Diego

Our romance continued for a long time. He knew how to play the part; my sweet romance partner at night and the no-nonsense science teacher during the day who beats me harder than others if the need arises. It might seem one cannot keep up an act for too long. The walls started to talk, words flew among my classmates and even some teachers started to raise their eyebrows but no one dared say it out loud. After all, I was the well-behaved brilliant student and he was the good teacher. Every night, we continued on the same dose, except on weekends or days when he had to be in church or had another engagement. And those days made me long for him more. I was too obsessed, I couldn’t bear missing a turn.

 

BLIND MUM, PARANOID DAD… YET I SUNK

My mother was too blinded by my “supposed improvement” in mathematics to entertain any weirdly connected dots but my father had his reservations and swore to my mum he would kill him if he found out he had ulterior motives. My dad’s intuition is hardly wrong, safe to bank on, it always felt like jazz (vodoo) only that this time, the hints were not generous enough to show themselves. In order not to feel like the overly suspicious one, he made less noise about it.

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I kept on enjoying the embrace of my beloved maths teacher. On some days, he apologized after long hours of romance and rambled about how we are so caught up in a ‘bad mix’ but he never stopped. At every slight opportunity, he either stole a quick kiss or fondled my breast. He made me feel special and worked my body in certain ways that caressing no longer did it for me. I wanted more and I started begging for sex but he wouldn’t budge, maybe he was too scared to. I decoded he felt I was too young, so I made it a habit of promising him my virginity after I left secondary school.

 

THE LONG GUILT DESPITE BREAKING THE OBSESSION

I graduated and passed mathematics successfully and our abysmal romance continued but I would say I made that choice because I was already 18. Slowly I started to embrace the world and got butterflies for teenage to teenage love and thus ventured into a relationship that led to a fast death of my romance with my maths teacher.

breaking free from molestation

I have flashbacks and most times, I wish it never happened. He was my shepherd but he failed at caring properly for his sheep. Gaining knowledge of several experiences and reading about pedophilia makes me cringe. Despite working on accepting my past completely, it’s tough to forgive myself. I confronted him for taking advantage of me which he admitted to and apologized. Before then, He tried to pass the blame but I was firm in stating my case. “Yo, I was barely 14 when it started. I can’t remember how it started but I am sure I did not engineer it”. Even if I did, should a grown man accept the advances of a minor? Shouldn’t he have punished me severely and reported me to the school and my parents? But No, unbeknownst to me, what I cherished was birthed out of ignorance by a man exploiting my dysfunctional childhood. 

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I think I heard remorse in his tone but people can fake everything. I had to pretend I fully believe he’s deeply sorry so I could maintain my sanity. Looking back, he had a lot of girls around him, he probably did the same thing to them, though he made me believe he didn’t. I am working on accepting my past completely. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. Unfortunately, I still trust men, for someone who went through a lot with one, I thought a better one would have been compensation but I guess I am not just lucky with them lol.

childhood trauma
Source- Additude

How does one deal with childhood guilt that manifests itself even more especially with similar cases hitting the news daily? It’s like having to stitch a wound and having to reopen it recurrently against your will. Every time I hear a case of pedophilia/ molestation, a part of me breaks. A lot of us have a dark room shut in our hearts, we hope that it remains shut forever, but the mere thought of knowing the room exists is tormenting.

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Do you harbor a dark room too? Could be one that laid its foundation since your childhood or maybe recently. Would you share just like I’ve shared? Have you forgiven yourself? I decided not to abandon the business of living because of my past. I have summoned the courage to say my story. I hope one day, I attach a name to it. More importantly, I hope it encourages you to let go. Let’s talk about these skeletons… Also, what do you make of my experience? Would you have played the cards differently in my shoes? I’ll appreciate your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

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9 min read

It’s weird to say this but it gets easier growing up as a Nigerian Queer. It was quite terrible when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was a lot. We all have our unique stories as gay men growing up in Nigeria but what is cut across the board is alienation from everyone else. You feel different and if you are an effeminate man, you’d be constantly reminded that you are actually different.

My name is Nonso and I grew up in Lagos, with a family of two sisters and a really terrible brother. Terrible because home would have at least felt like home if he didn’t live in it. I think it has more to do with men and their perception of you and how you should think and behave like them cause my dad was also almost like him. When I was six years old or so, I used to play dress-up with my little sister and we would put on a show for dad and mum, the whole family enjoyed watching except for my elder brother. As I grew older, I could see that it also started to disgust my father too. He probably thought I’d grow out of it but I didn’t. He wasn’t violent though, he never was, that was my brother’s job.

siblings rivalry
Source- Deviant Art

I really don’t blame my brother for being violent,  maybe he always wanted a brother and when I was born he was so excited to watch me grow and do ‘manly’ things with him. Well, I tried to like those things but it just wasn’t for me. One time I went to watch football with him and not once did I notice the ball but instead was blown away by the 22 gorgeous men on the field. 

SURVIVING THE OUTER WORLD

The bullying I faced as a child was more psychological than physical. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t exposed to society a lot. I never went out, I went to school and stayed quiet and apologized when I was noticed. The only physical abuse I remember was from my brother. 

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It was easier to survive in the outside world when I learned to be invincible. Talk less so nobody laughs at my voice. Fold my arms so I am not caught gesticulating. Walk around less so nobody laughs at my ass and how I walk like a turkey. With time I was invincible and yeah…it got easier. Didn’t have any friend but I was fine with that.

teenage gay stories in Nigeria
Source- Vadodaran

 

I knew something was wrong with me when I didn’t fancy girls the way my peers did. I remember the first day I got a hard-on when a boy touched me. I belonged to the choir department in the church and this new boy joined us. He sat beside me and started asking loads of questions and every time our eyes met or he touched me, I’d get hard. I moved away and went to sit somewhere else. I was only 14 and my prayer that day was that God amputates my dick or it stops functioning because most times I’d get hard and it won’t go flaccid for a very long time.

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Now school time…I couldn’t bathe in the public bathroom when I stayed in the hostel in university. It was always mad, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. My roommates made fun of me for hiding because they thought I didn’t like people seeing me naked.

What about the time I tried dating a girl? Total disaster!! I resolved to watch heterosexual porn cause I wondered why the boys really liked it. I thought that was why they liked girls or what made their relationship with them smooth. It never worked for me.

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To be honest this phase of my life was the loneliest. The fact that I didn’t know what I was or why I felt how I felt. I also couldn’t talk to my parents about it because I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. 

discovering your sexuality in Africa

WEARING MY TOUGH SKIN

As I grew older, the jokes became stale because it was the same old boring jokes I kept hearing. I tried to fix myself and it didn’t work, so I started to accept myself. Meeting more queer people made me bolder and more vocal about my sexuality.

Read: “I’m a 25-Years-Old Guy, and I Love Boys But…”

The first openly Nigerian queer I met was a breath of new air, finding out I wasn’t alone was the most exhilarating moment of my life. He was an older man, I was underage, naive but very inquisitive. I was in 200level in the university and he sort of took advantage of me by sweet-talking me on how much he liked me and proposing a relationship, just to get my guard down. We started having sex, the first time, I felt very guilty, dirty, and in pain but I wanted more. My body finally got what it wanted but it wasn’t enough. Even though I met the wrong person, I met someone who made my feelings make sense. With time I met more people and found dating sites, I started to learn what exactly I liked and what I didn’t.

coming out as gay in Nigeria

I learned more from people than from any books. I learned about hate from homophobes. I learned about religion. I saw the perspective of religion from religious people. I learned that parents love their children unconditionally: except when they are queer. I learned history and found people that were erased from it. Experience built me.

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

I wouldn’t say I’m out yet. I don’t know what exactly to call mine but I never deny it when the conversation around my sexuality comes up. If I’m not comfortable telling you about my sexuality, I don’t speak about it. For instance, I don’t see myself ever coming out to my parents, until the day they have the courage to have the conversation with me. They make side-talks and remarks about why I do certain things, behave a certain way or have certain kinds of friends but I don’t think these are comfortable grounds to start a conversation about my sexuality. 

cisgender Identity nigerian queer

For my friends, let’s just say I make conscious efforts to keep only non-heterosexual people as friends. The likelihood of me remaining friends with you if you don’t know my sexuality and you are a cisgender (man especially) is very slim. I’m not saying queer people are the best friends to have, I’m saying they are the safer and more rational friends to have. It’s easier to relate when I speak about myself and we learn from each other. Per marriage, I really do not have marriage plans. I don’t think it’s for me. Co- habilitation, definitely. I would want to spend my life staying with the people I love.

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Nobody has an opinion about my sexuality. If I accept you into my space, it’s left for you to come to terms with my sexuality or leave. This is why I have never really been close to my parents because I feel they don’t know enough about me (as parents). I can’t live in the same space with them and still have to hide, especially at the level of growth I am now at. Till they are ready, things will remain this way.

queer parenting in africa
Source- Best Life

THE CRIPPLING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE PROHIBITION ACT (SSMPA)

On a surface level, you may never be able to phantom the cruelty of the SSMPA, especially when you are a non-queer person. But when you consider minorities that are queer, you can at least imagine a fraction of how inhumane life feels like for them (except you own no soul). For instance, a poor fat disabled Muslim queer woman, struggling to survive already as a minority, and the death of all, having a law criminalizing you.

For the average queer person, if your social status protects you from the government, its citizens will use the law as an opportunity to harm you. A part of you is constantly being erased because “the law says…”. Constantly living in fear every day, at every gathering or meeting you are with queer people because you can be arrested, harassed, tortured, or killed with the backing of the law. And then the general overview; the law criminalizes queer marriage and anyone associated with them. Under Islamic or sharia law, it holds a death sentence.

LGBTQ Nigerian queer
Source- NBC news

How cruel…in Bauchi State, a law enforcer pretended to be a gay man to gain access into a meeting held for gay men on HIV/AIDS and its risks and how to have safe sex. He got the names of the people at the event, then arrested one person, used the person to arrest someone else and another and this went on. He would call them for a meeting, arrest them, take them to the police station, beat them up repeatedly and brutally until they finally got 168 names of supposedly gay people. The fact that they could use the phones of someone to contact others; an act that is illegal just shows how much that law validates the brutalization and harassment of queer people. It also shows how it shields younger queer people from learning more about their sexuality and navigating sex and other hurdles in relationships or life in general.

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Do you know what is worrying? The fact that before the law was passed, nobody was coming out proudly to say they are gay and getting accolades. No queer person ever protested marriage. Gay people were already getting beaten, disowned, and killed, so what exactly was the use of the law? It’s sad when you realize it was for political reasons. People’s lives were further endangered for political reasons.

SSMPA Nigerian queer
Source- Huff Post

It’s a wonder that queer people are still fighting and being vocal about being treated like animals with all these really scary circumstances. How bad can it get? As a Nigerian, you cannot exhibit any human right and as a Nigerian queer, you aren’t even recognized enough as human to start with. Nigerian queers are like catmint flowers, so beautiful with enough resistance to survive amongst weed and other harsh conditions. The growth is amazing. I feel so proud to be born in this generation and envy the coming generation. Vocal, and persistent. These are the features you start to grow after overcoming fear. I love it!

 

 YOU’RE ENOUGH!

I would love to round this up by telling young queer people that they are doing enough. Just existing is enough. Accepting yourself is enough. Resisting online with an anonymous account is enough. Navigate your sexuality however you like and with any kind of safety, you can think of, as long as it doesn’t ruin someone else’s life. Make mistakes and get up with your shoulder up because society has not given you enough room to get it right. Remember, the only people that can understand how you feel, are people like you. Queer people. LGBTQI+ people.

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Nigerian queer
Source- Futurelearn

Now I’ll love to ask some questions; to the queers who’ve come out, what other advice would you give to a young Nigerian queer trying to find his/her path in a country whose laws are structured against the LGBTQ community? To the straight folks, in all sincerity, the majority of you make it difficult for us to breathe, what are you willing to do differently as regards the LGBTQ laws in Nigeria? Do you think its fair and should be upheld? I’ll like to know your stand. Lastly, If you’re a queer, or unsure about your sexuality, identify in the comment section, share a bit about you. I’d love to read all of it. It’s pride month! a time of self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and increased visibility. Stab the shame and embrace the glory in your sexuality. Leave me your comments below, this should be an enlightening conversation. 😄👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

This might be the most selfish story you’ve ever read, but my heart wants what it wants. Hear me out and put yourself in my shoes, after all, we live in a dog-eat-dog world, right?

About two months ago at my workplace as a content creator, I  met this awesome lady, Kemi. She is a young Nigerian lawyer who serves as our legal consultant and content vetter. Although we were both employed on the same day, I had resumed work immediately at our Ibadan office while she was freelancing from Lagos, not until 3 weeks later, she relocated to Ibadan to join us.  To be honest, despite my being somewhat reserved around girls, I didn’t really like Kemi’s looks at first sight: she’s considerably shorter than me (I prefer taller girls), she’s black in complexion (I prefer lighter-skinned girls), she’s slim (oh, I love ‘em curvy and hippy and booby), and she isn’t that pretty without makeup (I have got a soft spot for natural beauty). 

Read: Finding Your Spec and Its Flip Sides

types of butt shapes her man

The first day was just a bland chitchat cum introduction. We talked about our origins and where we live in  Ibadan. I told her how I got to live in Oyo State (through NYSC) and we shared our undergrad experiences and life after finishing school. We didn’t really talk that much that day because my attention was focused on the job on my table, which took me the whole day. Yelps, creative thinking, and writing can be so draining and time-consuming! 

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Surprisingly, despite her not meeting my “visual spec”, I found a pal and chatmate in Kemi. My talks with the guys revolved more around work, cause they’re my seniors, married, and were training me for the new job I had just started with the firm. So, Kemi brought in some spice to my boring work life. Her table used to be next to mine until she was moved to a separate office. We gossiped about stuff like law and politics, our colleagues and boss, life in Ibadan,  and one or two other personal stuff. Gradually, I’ve become attracted to her intelligence (you can call me  ‘sapiosexual’, ikr), her sense of humor and sweet voice (my weakness, ugh! She has great command of the English language too), and her somewhat large dull eyes (I somehow love girls with big eyes lol,  don’t  know why). She has a nice personality and is resourceful in providing info on some of the things I ask (on legal matters and other stuff).  

coworkers romance her man

When she was moved to a new office, I was happy she’d gotten her own space, but was sad she was leaving my side. Absence they say makes the heart grow fonder, and this became my portion. Seeing her means I have to go over to her new office. This comes with the perks of being able to flirt and joke in her new space freely without the other colleagues connecting any obvious dots even though they can smell the fish as I more often spend many minutes inside her office before returning to my table (she vets most of my writings and I spoil her with fruit salads and movies which I download using our limited office Wi-Fi. Lol, crook like me!). 

TO MAKE A MOVE OR MOVE ON?

The obvious truth is that feelings are beginning to creep in from my side (don’t know about her). I am not sure if I should make a move for her. I like to take things slow and steady, especially matters of the heart. Even though I’m more logical than emotional, I still catch feelings, dammit! Jokingly we address each other as “my office boyfriend” and “my office girlfriend” because the friendship bond between us is growing stronger. When I enquired about her relationship life, she told me she was no longer in the dating market (whatever that means), that she has a guy she’s serious with, and that she cannot even consider marrying an Igbo man (I’m Igbo) because of potential troubles from her Yoruba family. And that was the only straw that broke the camel’s back lol. I hadn’t even started to make my move and I had already got the inkling that it wasn’t gonna work. I was emotionally paralyzed. I wanted more than just office companionship from Kemi. 

last straw quote her man

MY INTENTIONS

Actually, personally, I don’t think I’m yet ready for a committed relationship. I know I’m a proudly independent and a commitment-phobe (I’m kinda haunted by my parents’ dry and once turbulent marriage that I feel I’ll be a relationship tyrant like my dad.) which is probably why I’m still single  at 27 with no committed relationship with a girl. It’s kinda frustrating, coupled with my stutter-induced introversion and brokeness lol (relationship and love for Naija na money o. No girl wants to date you if you’re not reasonably comfortable in life and if you ain’t gonna spend reasonably on her). 

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Also, It’s difficult to find an irreligious Nigerian girl for a serious relationship, though. Aaargh!!! This is the pain that we Nigerian atheists and agnostics experience when you don’t wanna have to compromise your convictions by dating religious women. 

black romantic couple her man

All I want from Kemi Is just an emotional closeness outside work (movie dates, walks in the park,  restaurant outings, house visits, etc.) which of course will lead to a kiss and possibly I get to see her underpants and have her screaming my name when I smash her red potty with our bodies slick with sweat and desire. Hey, don’t judge me, please! In essence,  friends with benefits is all I want from her, without commitment. While I have been thinking of how my friendship with Kemi would advance her to my bed, my nemesis caught up with me:  emotional attachment. I’m starting to get possessive and jealous about her relationship with her boyfriend. 

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She always does video chats every blessed day with him in her office, and she seems to be happy with him. He earns more than I do in his working place, has a car he can borrow at will (I know a  little about him because one of my ‘village people’ is his colleague). He’s also religious like Kemi while I’m an agnostic former church boy. Kemi once told me her boyfriend is often boring and I guess she enjoys my company as much as I do hers. But she finds it appalling that a young Nigerian man like me doesn’t give much thought to African spirituality and organized religion as a whole. Kemi seems turned off by my irreligion and has asked me out to church for company. I’m hesitant about accompanying a girl to church. It doesn’t end well for me cause I don’t get to date or bang her afterward. I’m not a fuckboy per se, but I don’t wanna be a religious woman’s wrapper or head tie either. 

theist vs atheist her man

I WANT TO BE HER FIRST CHOICE!

I don’t like to be the second choice,  just like everyone else. Thing is, as it stands now, I don’t even know what I want to do. I like Kemi and I keep fantasizing about her perky boobs and how they’ll feel on my tongue. No relationship strings! The emotions I feel for her can be enough, for now, maybe it will metamorphose into something beautiful but until then, I want sex and play buddy in Kemi. I’ve hinted to her about something more between us but she doesn’t seem interested or is waiting for me to shoot my shot, or just playing me?  

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There was a day she wiggled her bum for me in her office while dancing to some music, and I got confused if she was sending any signal or just messing with my head (Lol, that day I was so tempted to go over and grind her ass but I restrained myself). I’m so hooked on her friendship and nice persona. I mean, you’d say I’m trapped in the fucking dreary friendzone! Aaargh!!! Not again! Dunno how to explain how I got here with Kemi! 

friendship zone her man
Source- Chicago Tribune

I’m aware she has a man but I want her so badly, not as a second choice. Common, I know I should be faithful to the bro code but mehn! It’s a dog-eat-dog world, right? Nigga’s are not smiling and I can bet that if the script was flipped and Kemi happens to be my woman, there’ll be some other guy who wouldn’t consider how I feel when he starts to chase her. Damn her man! I want her! Right now, it’s a ‘let the best man win’ situation for me.  Yes her man has more money than I do, what if he doesn’t know how to fuck her right or give her the tender love and care like I can? If she truly loves him, why will she wiggle her butt in front of me? That’s so calling and I figure there’s more she’s not saying. Also, why does it seem like she enjoys my company too much as she’s always giggling at my jokes lol? Who knows she might like me back yeah? 

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Do you think I have a chance of getting any ‘benefits’ from our friendship if I continue to be in her face? Will it be too direct or creepy to request for such a benefit or does it happen naturally? Even though she’s not my spec, I cannot stop drooling over how it feels to have her in my bed. Niggas please help me!! when a lady has a man, should it be an automatic backoff or should I still shoot my shot? How do I get Kemi to be mine forever (maybe). Ladies! I know how funny your gender is, but from your knowledge, do you think Kemi wants me badly too but is only pretending? Please advise a brother, Leave your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

 

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