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July 2021

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9 min read

I like to believe everyone has a romantic love story to share and the crash that came knocking afterward. Good for you if you found the love of your life, clicked a 100, and tied the knot to live happily ever after. You know that’s witchcraft, right? Bad for you if the only love story you got is seeing through the eyes of characters in novels, television, and yeah social media. You’re a coward, you’d rather be alone than stomach a breakup yeah? Well, I hate to break it to you that the moment you give in, your share of heartbreak will be served on a platter. You can’t be as lucky as the witches, never!

MY LOVE STORY

I am not good at romanticizing lines to trigger butterflies in your stomach, I can only beg you to pretend that it’s that romantic a piece so we can arrive at the sole purpose for telling my story. Shall we?

dating and breakups

We met at a youth group meeting, a friend had invited him to come to train us, and I, being part of the organizers of the event, was assigned to follow up with him and see to it that he was going to be available for the training session. So we exchanged numbers and got talking every day with his PowerPoint presentation being the leverage. He let me in on his social phobia, he’s an introvert and had developed frozen feet. I tried my best to encourage him… you know those “Go Boy! You Got This!!” inspiring lines, yeah, they came in handy lol.

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Still talking and now getting cheesy, I found he stayed around my area, and tell you what,  it was one of the most amazing news to have greeted my ears. I’m an indoor girlie who hardly talks to anyone around my area. My routine was to go to work, church, back home, and repeat the process.

Fast forward to months of a beautiful friendship and me getting to know him better,  what I started to feel for him took me back to how I felt towards my high school crush only that this time my crush was my friend and he also had a crush on me too. Jackpot! 

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We were alike on so many levels, it was easy to talk with him for hours non-stop. We shared our fears, our dreams, our plans, and aspirations together. It was only easier for my feelings to cross the boundary of “just friends”, I started liking him more than a friend but I was sure good at pretending. 

talking stage in a relationship

 

YIPEE! HE POPPED THE QUESTION 

“I’m in love with you, will you be my girlfriend?” these words flew out of nowhere while we were having one of our random discussions. OF COURSE!! baby girl was already head over heels in love but was only waiting to be asked, LMAO. 

Read: A Merry Go Round Affair; Should I Leave Her Stranded Now?

We became better friends, it was like we just transitioned from a level of friendship and love to lovers. It would be sometimes hard to tell the difference if you had met us in person. He always looked out for ways to make me better and I also helped him out in ways I could. I felt so loved by him, talk about the time he would send me handwritten letters when he lost his phone to let me know how much he missed me and was thinking about me. Boy, I was in love with this guy and I didn’t see anything that wouldn’t make us work because we were both intentional about showing love to each other. 

how to spice your relationship to avoid a breakup

I’m not the PDA kind of person he was, so he would publicly hold my hands, kiss me quickly when no one was watching (or so we thought), and so many other love gestures I had never experienced before him. I felt treated like a princess, he was quite a gentleman, I confirmed from meeting his parents that they had a great influence on the Man he turned out to be. Sometimes when I close from work or school he would call ahead to know if I was hungry (I was always hungry 😋) and since I’ll have to pass by his house before I got to mine he would call ahead to know if I’ll stop over, he would have cooked noodles, boiled egg and fried plantain for me, it felt too good to be true but cause I knew him as a friend I wasn’t too surprised about his loving nature.  He was very thoughtful about giving gifts, hugs, surprises, and words of encouragement.

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It was my first real relationship in my 25 years of existence as the one I had before him only lasted a month LOL. So let’s say he was my first love (not in the context of first love as regards sex o but love like when you fall deeply in love with someone and you cannot think straight again LOLs).   There was one time I became depressed because I was facing pressure from work,  school, and home.  I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts, it was a hot afternoon and I was late for a meeting, I thought of jumping in front of a moving bus and was waiting for the right type of moving bus, then I thought “let me call him before I die”.  I will never forget his saving words; “Everybody fucking makes mistakes, why will you kill yourself over one?  when you get there, act like you never knew you were late and if they say anything tell them fuck you and go back home”. His last lines made me laugh off my depressed state. I went for the meeting and realized that they had already changed the time and I was an hour early. Yeah, you can say I was blessed with him at that time.

couples at the verge of a breakup

THE ODDS WITH TAKING A BREAK

Seven months down the line, he wanted to start a project and I was in on it big time like I was glad he could finally go for his dreams. He had always talked about starting the project and I was happy. At this time I was also running a program and facing stress from my project supervisor, I was drained financially, was facing home stress, and shuffling a low-paying volunteer work and school together. He was also getting deeply engrossed in work and it was also financially and emotionally draining for him. He became less attentive and I started to nag, he hardly called, and when I called him it was to blame him for not calling before saying that I missed him. 

Read: A Guilt To Live With? My Abortion Story

I guess he couldn’t take my nags anymore but what’s a girl gotta do? He asked for a break to clear his head and after two weeks, he came back and said he was sorry and he wanted us back together again. We picked up from where we left it and continued to support each other every other day. But there’s this thing about taking a break, it leaves a glitch and you find yourself trying too hard not to let it happen again. 

taking a break from a relationship

After a month we started struggling to keep the communication again, he was always sad about things not working out for him at the time and I tried to support and encourage him. I would take him out to eat to cheer him up. Sometimes I show up unannounced, drop him a cooler of his favorite meal, and leave so that he knows I was thinking about him without encroaching in his space.  I started reading books on communication to master the difference between how each gender thinks or communicates. I just wanted to be able to communicate love to him in the best ways possible but I guess I was failing at it. 

 

“WE NEED TO TALK”

Despite the hiccups, we clocked a few weeks and a year of dating, and then one Monday evening, I’ll never forget, I got the ever-dreaded message “we need to talk”. I imagined the worst but not a breakup, but to my surprise, it was it. The reason he gave was that he doesn’t want to string me along and waste my time, he needed to focus on his project and he can’t handle a relationship alongside. 

crying after a breakup

I was in pain. He knew I would wait for him if he had asked,  he knew I was initially scared to let my guards down and fall in love,  he knew that I loved him and would have wanted to stay and fight for love’s sake. I didn’t know how to handle the heartbreak, it was my first, I was too shattered for comfort. 

I had so many questions, What happened to the January 1st promise to fight for our love?  Why know so much about me and still hurt me? Why did he ask me out only to not ask my opinion before deciding on a breakup?  What makes him think I was in a hurry to get married? Why do I feel like he chose his life over me?  Was I really not that important to him or Did he fall out of love with me while my eyes were closed?  I never saw that move coming and no book or anyone had prepared me ahead for this. 

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I told him it’s okay, I believe in forgiveness, love, and friendship irrespective of how people turn out. I owe it to myself and my God to forgive, so I forgave him but I was heartbroken. Remember we were both on a project he was running so I still supported him while healing and trying to relate with him as just friends (I am the ‘My word is my Bond’ kind of person so I never throw any previously good friendship away because of one bad occurrence) but I took a break from being around him. 

friends with your ex after a break up

SHOULD HE CHANGE HIS MIND…

After a few months of nursing my hurt to no avail, I wrote him a handwritten letter too, telling him how much I loved him and want him back if he changes his mind. His response to the letter was “Why?” alongside sad emojis but he didn’t say he loved me back, there and then I knew it wasn’t a “take a break breakup”, it was for real. I felt stupid, I tore his letter to me,  cleared chats, deleted his number, and took time off social media and everything that would make me see him for some months.  Cried every day into my pillow for like 6 months, it took me over a year before I finally made peace with myself. 

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Sometimes I wish I never agreed to be in a relationship with him because what I feared the most happened to me through someone I had loved, plus maybe we would have still been very good friends to date. Other times I am grateful for the times we shared because as hurtful as the breakup was I know what to expect from a man,  I deserve to be loved and cherished, I also deserve to be fought for irrespective of circumstances and I know I’ll do the same too to whoever comes my way. 

dreaming of your ex after a breakup

After about a year and some months, I now see him with his new girlfriend,  sometimes it hurts because I wonder if he was really saying the truth when he said he couldn’t handle relationships alongside the project. He’s successful and even handles bigger projects now, was that an excuse to get me off the way? was I really the problem?  These questions I might never get answers to because we are not as close anymore, we talk but just casually, and the friendship we once shared, dead! 

Read: Vent Room! An Unsent Letter To Your Exes

One lesson I learned through all of these was that I could have communicated clearly with him when I noticed him pulling away instead of nagging. I could have asked him about how he felt about the relationship before the pressure of work started weighing in on us. This should have helped right? Now I am very big on communication, communicating clearly without pointing fingers, listening without judging, and talking about issues before they become too hard to solve.

breakup and communication
Source- New York Times

RECALLING YOURS AND THE LESSON

Yeah yeah like I pleaded with you at the beginning of the read to pretend that it’s a romatic read so we arrive at the sole purpose of telling my story. So Uju (Admin) reached out to me, asking if I’ll love to share my most memorable breakup story and the lessons with hopes that you too, can also recall yours and the lessons you learned.

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You see the thing about breakups is that no party is ever too confident to voice their faults in all of it. We mostly enjoy painting our exes as the villain (lowkey I think mine was lol) but deep down we learned a lesson or two and acknowledge our faults. It’s the purpose of this post.

Mind sharing your most memorable breakup experience, how it made you feel, the lessons and most importantly bearing your faults all out? This should be fun, lowkey warming up to laugh too. Leave your comments below😁👇👇.

8 min read

Before you kick off reading my story, I’ll need you to bear in mind that I don’t buy into this crap of a statement that “the church is for perfecting, not for perfect people”, for these nine worded bullocks only excels at being the leverage to commit sins with impunity. And for the ones who are quick to clench to the sermon of grace being in abundance, hence committing recurrent evils, I hope your waterloo is not far-fetched.

 I love God and I know He loves me so much that there is no external judgment that can limit his love for me. I was born into a spiritual family. My Dad was our role model, he loved the things of God and also gave to the church. But as I grew, I began to witness the envy rooted in the church, members competing against each other and all these made my brain itch as I couldn’t reconcile the words of the bible compared to the actions of the people.

the church ills

The Triggers Started To Play Dirty…

Then the rug was pulled off my feet when my pastor, a man who I held as a mentor and somewhat the people’s savior, handed my father over to the police for a case that just needed a few elders sitting to be resolved. My pastor’s son had a rift with my aunty and my dad had only returned from work to meet the mess but before he could say jack, the police were already in our house and bundled my dad and others to the station. Tell you what, after the police read the statement, they dismissed it immediately on grounds that it was an issue best settled at home. Why wasn’t the so-called man of God able to settle it? Why didn’t he let love lead as he usually preached?

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For months, my family stopped attending church services and took to worshipping at home to avoid further triggers. But you know how our mothers can be, always feeling the need to draw the home to God, so we moved to another church. The new church appeared quite stable because you know the thing about rolling with unfamiliar faces, you just do your shit and leave, this was our case. 

the church

Not long before I embarked on a personal study on the word of God and began to ask questions especially on these so-called miracles and revivals that seemed to be the most projected church attribute at the time. I got no answers because here in this part of the world “you don’t question the Holy Spirit”. With time, I realized that all the displays were maybe a little backed by God but for certain, had more psychological backing or should I say manipulation. Like people use quotes to justify bad behaviors, church leaders are guilty of this too, but their weapon is biblical quotes.

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For example, the bible says, “ye are the light of the world”, which means that you are the ones to lead the people in the knowledge of things in the world. But in churches, this bible verse is restricted to the church. Just a few churches appreciate it when one uses  their gift/talent in the secular world, the rest expect you to use it for “only Jesus”, which is funny because even the same bible says  “that the gift of a man will make way for him”. How do you limit one’s gift and not support them in their endeavor? For instance, in every service you see the talented pianist giving his best, not even a token to show appreciation despite the numerous offerings huh? And then it becomes a grave sin when he goes circular and starts getting paid what he’s worth?  I’ve never seen a unit that turns a blind eye to empowerment as much as the church does, at this point, even the government has a better profile. And when someone dies in cases like depression and all, nobody tries to look back at what made it happen…the next day church continues. The event of suicide will even be used as either sermon or testimony.

the sins of the church

Covid! A Revealer Of Secrets And A Blessing In Disguise

Early 2019, I became exhausted from church activities with news of rape, online fraud, and other unexplainable events no one will ever believe happened within the four walls of a church or were carried out by staunch members of it. Not to go into vivid details enough to warrant name callings, but it was that bad, victims were silenced and blackmailed by top church leaders to save face and uphold church name.

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Then, the rebel in me began to ask questions, “why?” and “how?”. I felt so much anger and pain mostly because God became a silent watcher and the ones he assigned to do so on his behalf ended up betraying us.  The crazy part is that the prey is revered by all and sundry. No one dares talk ill of him, because there is one stupid member ready to give his life for him. Holiness became a facade, the church was a disguised cult ground.

the church sins
Source- This Day Live

Then came COVID-19, The revealer of secrets. For some reason, victims started to find their voice all thanks to social media. Could you imagine the pastor picking ladies in the choir one after the other, seducing them, and raping those who wouldn’t yield? And his wife has no remorse but chose to blackmail these ladies? It even led to a Facebook fracas, all I could say was “Alas! Jesus!” 

Read: A Crispy Take on why I Became A Religion Non-conformist

The lockdown gave me the understanding that there is no need for us to put any man before God. We were at home, because of the virus. No church, no seeing the pastor (even tho, some still did in their neighborhood). We called on God’s help and he answered. The lockdown removed the dust from my eyes as I found a closer relationship with my creator, I was able to separate the reality of life from religion. How God even expects us to think like humans and not like morons. Pastors are like us, mere mortals, so no need making them feel like God, instead we should spread love and light among people.

worshipping your pastor instead of God
Source- Gavin Alegho

The War Against Humanity…

I am against the war against humanity which is evident in churches. Christianity is supposed to help humans become better but the church only cares about milking members with numerous offerings and whatnot. They care less about members’ quality of life, but more interested in manipulating members into slavery whilst backing up with biblical bullocks. Is it too hard to see that the biblical days are far more different from this era? Why expect discipleship like that of the old? Can’t tell me anything, religion in this part of the world is strictly business.

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I’ve had my share of bad dealings with the church and I don’t want any more of it. If I look past the happenings around me and don’t move, I might be crushed by the moving train. Slow for you to ever think that these so-called pastors are non-partisan. They have friends everywhere; in the police, army, politics, and all. In a lawless country like Nigeria, you cannot fight them. They can take the life of man without thinking of God. And Someone advises waiting on Karma?! Till you die, Karma may never show up, then you begin to feel that God is partial. I put it to you that church war is worse than family war, a person will be on the side forming ‘Jesus baby’, unbeknownst to them the other person has gone diabolical.

diabolic practice in church
Source- One Earth Future

I have not gone to church for a while, but I have never missed out on God’s unimaginable love. When church folks come at me with the “Do not forsake the gathering of the brethren” lines, I ask, what if I don’t want to gather with the brethren? Also, the spiritual growth usually emphasized is a continuous journey based on building one’s faith and faith they say comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God. So if I listen to sermons that help build my faith without going to church, I am okay I believe. Spiritual growth is not about being in one department or the other in church. If your pastor’s sermon is not enough to make you study the word of God and understand it for yourself, is it joining the ushering department or choir that helps you grow spiritually? I think not. Church departments are no different from social gatherings, they help you relate better with other members and if care is not taken, see finish ruins it.

Read: Christians, Was It A Miracle or By Force?

The journey of life is personal to every man. Man made these rules to control others. As humans, we are all gifted with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, just that we are too anxious and out of place to know.

hate the church

If our hearts are filled with fewer worries, and as we ask, we wait, listen and meditate on God’s words and know how to apply them to our daily lives, we are good. Sometimes, the gathering of the brethren causes envy, strife, lies, even killings…unnecessary beef.

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Hey reader, like me, did you also stop attending church? I’d love to know your trigger. Why did you forsake the gathering of the brethren? And how have you felt since then? Much better or worse? If at some point you neglected the church and came back much later, I’d appreciate it if you could take us through that journey of discovery, perhaps it could help.  Also to those who eventually turned atheist in the process, it’ll be pleasing to learn of your triggers too. To the church folks reading this, why is it always a cause for drags when someone says they no longer attend church?

Not in a bid to cause any strife, let’s just have this sincere conversation in the comment section😄👇.

 

 

 

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