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November 2021

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6 min read

One would think that having a ‘friend with benefits’ aka ‘situationship’ is as easy as reciting ABC, free as a bird you say yeah? No commitments, getting laid by any tom, dick, and Jessica…without having to explain yourself to your situationship partner right? Well, that’s a social media orientation, don’t be like me fam because such wokeness has landed me on a very slippery street. Sometimes I try to stand fam, but baby girl ends us giving a humpty dumpty show😭. 

Fam I’m in a full-blown situationship and to say the least, it’s not what I expected. So yeah, we are not in a relationship or exclusive but then we do stuff like a couple, plan birthdays, dates, sex…but hollop! There are no commitments. Nobody told me it always ends up being messy, in my head I felt I can take a bow when I’m no longer feeling this or when I find someone I can bear it all to, but I was wrong fam …let’s go

REVEALED! The Difference Between A Relationship And A Situationship

CALL HIM BABY

I met baby a few months after a horrible break up which was my fault & I’m still in love with my ex who is happily married. Sadly I have adjusted to stalking him on all SM platforms to be sure wifey is taking good care of him. Back to Baby. Baby is an amazing guy, he found me during the lockdown and went all out for me with attention, care, love, and all that comes with a relationship but I made it clear that I won’t date him for reasons best known to me. To be honest, I knew I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship cause I had a lot of baggage, exes, undefined relationships here and there with both genders and I wasn’t ready to add somebody’s son to it but he chose to stay and it’s being one bumpy ride.

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50% of the time it’s amazing and the rest of the 50% is war. It becomes too toxic for comfort. On toxicity yeah, whenever we have a fight or misunderstanding of any sort, Baby sees that as an avenue to abuse me verbally, he says all manner of hurtful words to me regardless of how I feel. He’s aggressive, insecure, and overly domineering. 40% of the fights we’ve had have always been about me refusing to say stuff about my past and small lies here and there (he hates lies). Baby wants to know everything about me, but I always share what I deem necessary and keep the rest of my exes and all sorts to myself. I don’t like to divulge into personal issues but he wants me to bear it all.

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But guess who has a smart mouth and won’t let him get away with it? You guessed right. I always use the opportunity to let him know we’re not in a relationship and that always hurts his feelings cause he feels so strongly for me.

what are we question

BUT ARE WE REALLY NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP?

You see, that’s the thing, I’m confused. Every scene plays out like couples fronting but shying away from a tag. After every fight, I’ll call it quits and he would come begging or he would, while I go begging. At the initial stage, I thought I had it figured out but right now, I must be honest, I can’t go a day without talking to him. I feel so at peace with him, he’s the first person I want to share good or bad news with. Not to sound cliché the thought of him at any time (fight/no fight) gives me butterflies.

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Something tells me he’s figured out I’ve developed feelings for him. You know, no matter how hard you try you can’t hide love. I show it sometimes and do certain stuff that only love can make me do & when I get back to my senses, I start picking fights with him over unnecessary things.

how to avoid situationships

Not once, not twice, I’ve been tempted to tell him how I really feel but I didn’t, knowing that I’m still a mess and wouldn’t want a complicated relationship. You know when stuff like this gets defined yeah? There’s this sense of accountability that creeps, you would want to be intentional about your partner and stuff. We are not dating yet, and he never fails to be vocal about how he wants more every opportunity he gets, now imagine if we put a tag on it. Sometimes I tell myself I’m overthinking this relationship thingy, and that I should just accept his damn proposal and see how things play out but my guts fail me. 

Maybe why I haven’t accepted is because we are two different people. We enjoy each other’s company and good sex too, but you know that moment where you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot have someone forever because there are certain things they do or traits they possess you cannot live with. Baby is an amazing guy really, asides from him being aggressive, possessive and sometimes exhibiting misogynistic behavior I don’t quite get. These are red flags for me. In every situation, I like to think about the positive and negative, whichever outweighs the other is what I go for regardless of how I feel. I am scared that I may push Baby to the wall one day and he will beat the hell out of me or worse. So that’s why I always decline his proposal, although he still has hope that I will say yes to him one day.

Read: Stop the Deceit! Whoever You’re Dating Owes You

situationship red flags

 

THE UNFAIR SIDE

We had a fight recently and it was hard without him. I missed him so much for someone who I claim is not my man. But I think I felt more hurt, depressed, and disappointed because I brought this upon myself. We’ve been down this road for seven months, I should have walked away a long time ago, maybe at our first fight. But right now, I feel trapped in my feelings for him. This has been the most amazing and draining situationship ever fam.

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I want out but then I will miss baby so much. He practically knows everything about me, like we talk all the time. If we had met at a different time, he may have stood a chance. I’ve hinted him of wanting to let go of whatever it is that we share but he’s not having it. I am not having it either but this has to end yeah??? Do you get??? I used to think that having a friend with benefits or being in a so-called situationship would save me from all the stress that comes with a relationship but that’s a big fat lie. Situationships also puts your life on hold, with Baby it is disrespectful seeing other people, I always feel like I am cheating on him but we aren’t an item for fuck’s sake! I have dismissed other potential romantic partners cause I don’t want to disrespect Baby and also preserve what we have. But right now, I can’t have him and it’s so hard to have to walk away too. I feel stuck Mutterers, I need your advice. If you’ve ever been or still are in a situationship, I’ll like to know how it ended for you, or perhaps how it’s going. 

 

 

9 min read

I always say I’m a different kind of lesbian considering my background. I never went to a boarding school, or so to say, ‘an only girls’ boarding school as that’s one of the backboned reasons people attribute as the cause of being a lesbian. Also, I grew up in a catholic home with a single mother who did all she could to make sure we weren’t exposed to sexual stuff and immoralities to the best of her abilities so if there was anyone who should not be sexually aware it would be me.

The purpose of sharing this is to tell you all about my lesbian marriage, but I reckon a bit of a back story would give you a clearer picture of my personhood.

catholic lesbian

RUNNING

I was molested as a child, should that have been a tangible reason to want to spend the rest of my life with a lady? Hello No.

I was prepared early for marriage and had my first marriage proposal at thirteen to the delight of my mother who believes if a girl marries early it means she was raised well and that she would make an ideal wife. I didn’t give any of her suitor recommendations a chance though, rather  I lived most of my adult life running away from home to avoid marriage proposals and my mother’s 2 am conversations. Has it been easy being on the run? Hell no!!

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I remember clearly the first time I had a crush on a girl, I was in primary three and she was a new pupil. I remember her well each time I prick my memory and several other crushes I had while growing up. All the while I didn’t think there were people anywhere in the world like me.

abusive lesbian relationship in Nigeria

My first relationship (If I should call it that) was with an older married woman and I think that set me on the wrong track of taking love from whichever angle it was thrown at me. I was a child, about 16-years-old and we had met in a church group. I had a mad crush on her and my friend ended up ratting me out to her. I was mostly grateful she even looked my way because she was hot and way older than me so I was totally out of her league. I allowed her to treat me however she deemed fit, called only when she wanted to talk and saw me when she was in the mood. Everything happened only at her timing and that spilled off to my ensuing relationships. I just allowed people to treat me however they liked, even if I knew how I should be treated, I just didn’t protest for fear of losing them. But I’ve grown past that and learned to demand things exactly as I want them. I started off on the wrong foot but am grateful for the lessons and growth.

MY LESBIAN MARRIAGE

Even though the option was never made available for me as a child, I always knew that if I wanted a happy life then I’d have to marry a girl. Probably a white girl because I was going to do whatever it’ll take to escape Nigeria and migrate abroad so I could live life the way I wanted. But life had a different plan for me and I always imagine God looking down at me and smiling, knowing it won’t happen as chronologically as I had planned it to.

planning a queer marriage in Nigeria

Before I met my wife I was sure of the life I wanted and how I wanted it. I wanted someone I can build a life with, someone who does not care about proving anything to anyone, and I stuck with my guts. I didn’t care how long I was going to be single because I was now on social media and now I could see people doing it and I knew it was what I wanted and I was going to keep living until someone who wanted the same things came along. I met my wife on my page @diaryofanaijalesbian, she had come to rant about issues and we just started talking all the time and before we knew it we just got used to talking to each other all time. Then we planned a short visit and got trapped due to covid lockdown which forced us to be in each other’s space than we had planned. And viola! A three-day visit became a two months visit because I was waiting for the airport to reopen.

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Our lives changed for the better forever. I tell people there were no special events or romantic moments that happened prior to our meeting, I just needed someone who had an understanding of who they are and what they want, and she came with my whole list ticked. I knew she was going to be my wife when we had conversations on what we both wanted and we were very honest in that conversation. We put our cards on the table, talked about roles, kids, managing relatives, and gossips. We realized and agreed we wanted the same things. I didn’t care who will be vexed with the fact that I am choosing myself and living on my own terms.

nigerian queer marriages

Like I said earlier before marriage,  I left home early because I knew that was the only way I could buy myself time to live the way I’ve always wanted. My younger brother is the only person in my house that knows about my wife and he loves her so much. As per my wife’s family, I’d say they choose the path of pretending to be ignorant and we are both enjoying that. Her sisters who know are super amazing and we are grateful for them because they go far and beyond to make life easier for us.

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I am a Nigerian Igbo lesbian and you know how patriarchy is often attributed to the Igbos, likewise the tribes’ enormous frown at the existence of LGBTQ, right!? Well, that’s not the scary part of our relationship. My wife is from northern Nigeria, a geographical location where you can’t be older than 25years and single without living like an outcast, now that’s scary. However, we do not care what anybody feels, we love each other and will keep living one day at a time as the universe allows us. 

How Black LGBTIQ+ travelers navigate a challenging world – Lonely Planet

Did we have a wedding ceremony? I always laugh before responding to this question anytime it arises and my response is that I am married and not wedded. Marriage happens before weddings and so we haven’t had a ceremony to celebrate our vows to each other to do life together. The ceremony was us making that life-changing vows to each other and choosing to be wives for the rest of our lives.

 

BABY MAKING

I think everything about same-sex co-existence especially in this clime relies on conversations and honesty. Before my wife and I moved from relationship to the commitment, I remember we had a lot of honest conversations where we talked about everything. She had our son in a previous marriage and he calls us Mama and Mom, and everybody around us knows that and when they ask we simply tell them he has two moms and end the conversation there. I don’t see any reason to start explaining to anyone why it is like that.

I agreed to have our own kids when we are ready. We intend to buy sperm and do IVF or get a donor and use the artificial insemination process.

Read: I Had My First Lesbian Sex… I’m Confused

LGBTQ Fertility Challenges Can Be 'Invisible' And 'Disarming' | HuffPost Canada Parents

QUEER VS STRAIGHT MARRIAGE

Marriage is a co-existence of two people who understand that they both need each other to navigate life as it happens to them whether straight or queer. There is absolutely no difference between both despite popular opinions. People tend to generally think queer relationships are easier than straight ones and it’s a funny mindset if you ask me because in straight relationships there is already a societal manuscript to follow while for us, we are out here shooting blank, trying to pull through in a world where men are known to navigate life easier than women. Marriage generally demands love, loyalty, dedication, and commitment and it’s not different for gay marriages.

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I have never been in a straight marriage before but I’ve been around people who are and I’ll say that discussing roles is usually not the norm in straight marriages as it is in queer marriages. This is because like earlier stated straight marriages have manuscripts they imitate whereas in gay marriages especially in this clime depends on the individuals. For us, there were roles we had to spell out but mostly we just wing it as we go depending on our individual strengths and otherwise. We have our biological roles sorted out like who gets to have which of our babies, whose families we can trust with certain aspects of our lives and who goes to a 9-5, and who runs the home front. But asides from these, other things we wing as they happen mostly because there are no role models or books to rely on so we are mostly shooting blank.

Nigerian lesbian marriage

 

NOT ALL ROSES

I am very confident in how much we love each other and the life we are building and I don’t regret any part of my life as it is. I am confident in the person I chose to do life with me. Has it always been rosy? Hell no!!! We have had to fight ourselves and each other to be here but every day the universe keeps giving reasons to keep choosing each other. Most days are blissful and rosy, other days the world just wants to remind us to not relax too much and we are grateful for how much we have grown and if it ever comes to choosing my wife again? I’ll choose her still because as hard as it is to be a lesbian in this clime it is even harder to find someone who wants the same things as you do and that’s a gift we both do not take for granted (if am to speak for her).

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

Nigerian Lesbian Marriage

MY ADVICE TO THE NIGERIAN LGBTQ COMMUNITY 

My issue with many Nigerian queer couples in the path of coexistence is that most tend to forget easily that they live in a country where their sheer existence is illegal. I understand the need to push beyond the law but I see no reason to try to be a martyr about it. I don’t need to post a picture of my wife and me kissing on social media to prove anything to anybody, I don’t need to come out to every tom-dick-harry to make my point, I owe no one no explanations. And when anybody asks I choose whether to let them in or not, our story is on a need-to-know basis depending on who is asking.

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I don’t think it is the SSMPA that is stopping us from living our best lives here in Nigeria, I think it is our need to live in people’s faces and prove points. As much as this is not so bad, we should also remember that before the anti-gay bill was passed by the senate, people have been homophobic and hypocritical so instead of living life to prove any point to anybody, I think life would be easier if we focus on getting through one day at a time and loving the people that love us the best way we can. The law is not responsible for all the vices within the community, so instead of looking at a law passed in Abuja, we should look inward and do our best to be good and kind people.

Nigerian lesbian marriage

 

FOR NON-QUEERS

You are not entitled to any explanations and it is not religious to ostracize and criminate things because they are not in an age-old book that hasn’t been reviewed. Stop swallowing words from the pulpit and learn to educate yourself. Unlearn, relearn and keep learning. Live and let live too.

Feel free to relay your reservations about my story in the comments section, likewise any questions you might have (will try to answer them). If you’re a queer reading this, probably married or single, I’ll appreciate it if you can share your break-free stories too. 😁👇