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death of a loved one

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3 min read

The loss of a mother especially at a tender age is grieve itself. I lost my mum due to the delay of being attended to in a poorly managed hospital. 

For the first couple of days after her death, I lost touch with my emotions. I looked forward to crying, to grieve and blaming everything around me, but I  couldn’t. All I could do was stare at my brothers and relatives crying.

Maybe I was shy to cry in public or I wanted to be strong for my family, I can’t really tell. I couldn’t feel anything even though it all happened in front of me. 

Read: 10 Lessons My Mother’s Death Taught Me
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Maybe I was shy to cry in public or I wanted to be strong for my family…

I am my mother‘s only daughter. I felt no one could feel the pain I had to feel. I thought I was the only one who had the right to feel bad because I was really close to her. Watching every other person mourn, I realized everyone had a touch of her in them but for a moment I was bemused as to why they were all crying.

For God’s sake, she was my mother if anyone should be feeling the most pain, it’s me. “What’s with the drama?”…my paranoia kicked. Until I realized it was selfish of me to think that I was the only one that had a relationship with her.

Read: Death Of A Loved One; “The Thought Still Hunts”
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I was bemused as to why they were all crying

No! she was so sweet, in fact too great to have impacted just one life, mine!

Death is painful. I do not pray for anyone to lose their loved ones especially a mom but if you do you’re allowed to feel bad for a couple of months weeks or maybe years. It took me seven years to get over my mom‘s death but it might be longer for some other person and that’s because people grieve differently but my advice is not to dwell on death but look at the bright side.

Enough about death stories! The question now should be, how did I get over grieving? Just like death tells no one it is coming, no one prays to lose a loved one. To keep death out of my household, I started to lead a spiritual life. There had been instances where I could’ve lost one or more close family member after my mom but the power of God kept us strong.

Read: Eulogies To Our Loved Ones Stung By Death
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Not to dwell on death but look at the bright side.

I learned to deal with the physical through the spiritual. I wish I knew God better while my mom was alive, I bet she wouldn’t have died. Putting God first in all I do has kept the devil out of my household. 

Looking on the bright side, my mom‘s death has actually done me good. Sometimes I just stare up to the sky and see her face smiling down at me. She is happy that her death drew me closer to God. 

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Putting God first in all I do has kept the devil out of my household.

If you are currently grieving the death of a loved one or you face it sometime in the future (which is inevitable), you’re allowed to be mad for a bit, cry for a bit, but do not dwell there.

Moving on will be hard but there is always a lesson to learn. Hold on to God, He’s the only one that can pull you out of anything. Hold onto him, he has a lot planned out for you, death shouldn’t be an excuse.

 

3 min read

Knowing that you won’t be able to see, touch or interact with someone again comes with so much trauma especially when you know that if they were alive, things would have been a lot better in your life.

On February 22nd, 2007, exactly on a Thursday, I remember calling my dad from school to remind him of our inter-house sports competition and mid-term break so that he could come to pick me and my sister for the break but he never picked up his calls which was very unusual of him, so I put a call across to my mum, she wasn’t picking either.

The last option we had was to call our elder brother who immediately picked his call and told us dad had traveled, little did we know that he had traveled to have his eternal rest. 

Read: If You Knew The Last Time Will Be The Last Time
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Knowing that you won’t be able to see, touch or interact with someone again

My brother assured us that he would be coming to pick us up. I started to get bothered, someone who traveled should be able to pick his calls right?  but I shoved the thoughts away after convincing myself that my dad is a grown man and can take good care of himself.

March 1st, 2007,  my brother came with my cousin to pick me and my sister up. As we arrived home, we met so many people in our house including the parish priest of my church. Some were crying while the rest wore sober faces. I was just 13 and had no idea what was going on, so I decided to go eat but my sister wouldn’t allow the food to go down my throat well as she kept asking the whereabouts of our dad. 

Read: Know More About Us

After the meal, I realized I hadn’t seen my mum so I asked and was directed to go outside. That was when I was met with a picture of my dad on a well-decorated table, it was then I realized something had gone wrong. My aunt broke the news to me that my dad had passed on. I couldn’t believe it, I had always thought that the heart of my lovely dad will never cease to beat.

Read: Words of Inspiration After the Death of a Father
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I had always thought that the heart of my lovely dad will never cease to beat.

Diabetes snatched him away from us. I never had an idea it would be so soon, all I wanted was to achieve everything he wanted me to as he always said ‘Failure doesn’t come with the birth of a child but the decision of an individual’. Dear Dad, I know I failed you in this aspect while you were alive. I never valued these words up until you died.

I believe your death has brought me more self-love and confidence. If I could turn back the hands of time, I definitely would have listened to you and made people know that I am worth more than what they see with their naked eyes.

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death
I believe your death has brought me more self-love and confidence

I believe life moves on and you wouldn’t want me to hold back on anything. If I could say something to you now, it would be that I miss you greatly and I appreciate every effort you made to make me realize how wonderful I am and the importance of self-love.

I believe you are in a place that gives you peace and you are proud of me and my siblings and the achievements we have made so far. We miss you and love you so much.

YOU LIVE ON IN OUR HEARTS ALWAYS DAD.

 

 

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3 min read

Losing a loved one can be heart-rending and depressing. I have seen people slip into depression because they lost a loved one, and I never really understood the extent to which the loss of a loved one could take a toll on one’s life until I lost a dear friend.

Babangida and I met in secondary school. It was 2001 and I had recently been enrolled in an all-boys boarding school. I was finding it difficult making friends because I couldn’t speak fluent Hausa, and most of the students couldn’t communicate in English or Pidgin English; two languages I could speak with relative ease. Words travelled fast that a fake Americana had been admitted and I was treated like an exhibit in a museum. 

Everybody wanted to see the guy who didn’t understand Hausa. I told them that I grew up in the barracks and that because the barracks was a melting pot of people of different tribes, Pidgin English is the lingua franca. My explanations didn’t help. Just when I was dying of loneliness and boredom, I met Babangida and we sort of clicked. It was as if we had known each other for years. We bonded really well and became inseparable.

Read: Death Of A Loved One, Prior Gestures
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We bonded really well and became inseparable

We both graduated and relocated to our respective states of residence; I, to Gombe, and Babangida, Plateau state. A couple of months later, I ran into a former classmate, Bashir, and he dropped a bombshell: he told me Babangida had passed on. I didn’t believe him at first, so I pressed him for details. He told me that he had heard that Babangida went to a stream to do his laundry and drowned after he mistakenly fell into the deep end. I treated the news with some doubt since he didn’t witness the incident. But as time went on, I ran into other former classmates of mine who corroborated Bashir’s story. My doubts began to taper off and I started to entertain the possibility that Babangida was really dead. For days, my heart ached and I was overwhelmed with grief.

Read: Can I Really Be Here?
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Babangida went to a stream to do his laundry and drowned

Before Babangida’s passing, I had always thought that death only snatched certain kind of people. His death made me realize that death is a leveller and that it is no respecter of persons.

My friend’s death dealt me a severe blow. For days on end, I would stare blankly, hoping and praying that I would wake up and realize that news of my his passing was a dream. Getting over his death, an irreparable loss, was difficult. But as they say, “Time heals all wounds”.

Part of my healing process was letting go of anything my friend liked that would remind me of him. Anything from music, movies to fashion and hobbies.

 Read: When Your Best Friend Dies

Death of a loved one
My doubts began to taper off and I started to entertain the possibility that Babangida was really dead.

Even if I could turn back the hands of time, there was nothing I could have done to avert my friend’s untimely death because I believe it was fated to happen. In the days leading up to his death, I had had a series of nightmares.

It was an omen of impending death but I couldn’t put two and two together, and that’s probably because Babangida didn’t feature in my nightmares. His death still hurts. He was my best friend, and since his death, I have not had another.

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4 min read

To my year one college mystery guy…

Finding words to describe the death of a loved one is overwhelming as it feels like some cold night where deep truth comes to hunt.

Losing Godwin to the cold hands of death changed my perception of certain things. It was like a string holding my heart was cut.

My ‘mystery friend’ as I fondly called him always walked up to my lonely, quiet self in class. With so much boldness he will say “why are you not smiling”, “you no dey smile?” Those words had a special strange way of brightening my face, and then after, we’ll start conversing. 

death of a loved one
“why are you not smiling”, “you no dey smile?”

It wasn’t like I couldn’t snub him, I mean who walks up to someone they don’t know and obliges them in such manner. But Godwin was different, asides his intelligence and calmness, he wore a calm spirit which he tried so hard to disguise. 

Read: Tributes Should Not Be A Bed Of Lies…Stop!

We started getting pretty close that I will include his portion while cooking, serve in a cooler and send it to his hostel. He did the same for me too. We always had lunch together at the cafeteria, studied together with his friends. We eventually became so close, argued, bantered, debated… ohh! How endless the list was.

death of a loved one
We eventually became so close, argued, bantered, debated…

Suddenly after a long holiday, our department rep announced that Godwin was sick and won’t be resuming soon. Who would’ve imagined that a minor fall could result in dislocation and a serious leg injury and swellings? Every day the injury grew worse.

One faithful day he put a call across to me from his sickbed, and said; “babe, did I offend you, you cannot even call to check up”. I apologized sincerely and said I was going to check up more often, cause I mean he was so dear to me. We ended the call after filling ourselves with some good laugh. 

Read: Death Of Loved Ones, Prior Gestures
death of a loved one
We ended the call after filling ourselves with some good laugh.

A few days after, a bad day came smiling. Our department rep announced that Godwin was dead. He died from the cancerous leg injury.

Ohh dear, dear!!! It felt like a carpet was pulled off my feet. So much pain that as I write, it still tortures me. I almost collapsed, my colleagues had to support me back to my hostel. Ever felt so much pain that hits every fiber of your organs that you cannot move? I felt like a comatose struggling to regain my freedom from pain, but I couldn’t.

Read: Is Death An Open Sesame?
death of a loved one
Cries they say can’t bring back the dead but I wish mine did.
Read: If You Knew The Last Time Was Going To Be The Last

Our last conversation began to play in my head as regrets choked my heart. So he already said his last goodbye. It felt like the devil began to flog me with his words, they wouldn’t leave my head. The thought of saying I was going to check in again but didn’t kept hunting me.

Cries they say can’t bring back the dead but I wish mine did. Prior to his death, I used to think, some things could wait for later, but now, my whole orientation is reformed. It dawned on me to always do what is obtainable while I still can.

death of a loved one
It dawned on me to always do what is obtainable while I still can.

Reach out to loved ones often, forgive, pray. I know It’s easy to lose track, get carried away in your own world, but that one minute of your time won’t bite. That one minute, I wish I had to call my mystery guy and make him smile, chat and banter. 

His funeral was a whirlwind of tears, if it was possible for someone to get drowned in tears, I would have, but tears wouldn’t bring him back. I thought of running to him while he laid in state and then shouting “stand up!”, hoping he will hear me. 

Read: Grieving The Death Of A Friend
death of a loved one
Our last conversation began to play in my head and regrets choked my heart.

Songs from the legendary Jim Reeves began to make a lot of sense and communicated to me.

I beat myself each time I remember I forgot to check up. A simple call, visit or text could have made a difference, but I did none. Even though death might have still knocked, I would have felt a better peace.

But like we believe,  “Everything happens for a reason”. I thank my mystery guy for such beautiful memories and having a good impact on my life with his genuine friendship.  Rest On Godwin.

 

Click Here To Share Your Story Too

 

3 min read

Goodbyes are hard to say, I couldn’t help but agree the moment I got the news of little Alvin’s death. I’ve lost close relatives and friends but I can literally say his death was the most painful loss I’ve ever experienced. 

Little Alvin was a sweet loving kid, I enjoyed watching him blossom into an intelligent young man. His love for Disney Junior was typical of every active kid, once he fixes his gaze on the TV, no one dares to change the channel otherwise tantrums would become our lullaby the rest of the day. He was very loving regardless.

“Aunty Queen, thank you”… I can still hear the sound of his serene voice thanking me for buying him eggs and grapes on my way back for the holidays.

Read: Kids Immediately After Marriage, Yes or No?
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Once he fixes his gaze on the TV…

My Sunday was going well, I had attended an ushers get together from church only to receive a call in the midst of the happy moments that my little Alvin was dead. “Dead how?”, I questioned in the midst of the confusion that accompanied the news. How can Alvin be dead? I kept asking until the call ended.

No way, it was a bitter pill to swallow, If any of my relatives wanted to prank me, would it be with the news of death? I soliloquized. I ran home in tears from the party to my friend and also a sister in Christ who stayed in the same hostel with me to pray with me, perhaps God will perform a miracle.

After speaking in tongues through our tears for some minutes, Little Alvin didn’t wake up. Several calls still confirmed his death.

Read: GRIEVING THE DEATH OF A CHILD
death of a loved one
I can still hear the sound of his serene voice thanking me for buying him eggs and grapes

Ohh!! How I cried. Prior to his death, I usually have premonitions anytime something bad was about to happen but in this case there was no gut feeling.

I always knew death was inevitable, but my idea about death was that a person has to be very sick before they die or maybe through accidents. I never envisaged that a little kid so full of life could just die without any of the factors involved.

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The most painful goodbyes are those ones we didn’t have the opportunity to say.

The death of little Alvin changed my ideology on life and death. No one ever knows when he/she will die; so live every day as though it’s your last because tomorrow isn’t promised.

If I could turn back the hands of time I would love to spend more time with him.  Each time I see kids of his age, I begin to imagine how grown and smart little Alvin who I often call ‘uncle Alvin’ would have become. He died at the age of 5.

Read: Do You Still Feel Hurt?

Death of a loved one
But I still hold on to I and Alvin’s memories.

People often say they get over grief by removing everything that reminds them of their lost loved one but I still hold on to I and Alvin’s memories. The pictures, his reading chair, wardrobe and the rough markings he made in some corners of the house are still here. I always wear a smile each time I see them.

I can only thank God because who knows, Alvin could have grown into a fine man but so toxic to the family and society, or he would have died at a more advanced age after much investment in him. It would have been a bigger blow and shock to us.

His death taught me something very striking which is, “the most painful goodbyes are those ones we didn’t have the opportunity to say”.

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2 min read

I read somewhere that the death of a loved one is a curious thing. We all know that our time in this world is limited and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. 

It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

The saying “everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear”, does not apply to death no matter how fearful we are of it. Death is inevitable and no form of courage can save us from biting the dust. 

Read: Tributes Should Not Be A Bed Of Lies…Stop!
Death
Death is inevitable and no form of courage can save us from biting the dust.

While we are privileged to be reading this because we are alive and hopefully well, some of us have had a  close feeling of what death feels like. Some of us miss our loved ones who’ve been cuddled by the cold hands of death.

To commemorate this month of love, February, I decided to use this platform to feature some eulogies to our loved ones who left us too early even though we’re made to believe the creator knows best.

If you had the opportunity to say some words to them, what will that be?

Read: Is Death An Open Sesame

If you’ll love to share, Muttering Minds will be featuring eulogies from February 17th till February 22nd, 2020.

You can take Mutterers through the following: 

  • Your relationship with them.
  • How you got the news of their death.
  • Did you have any premonition before that?
  • Your perception about death before they died.
  • Your perception about death after they died.
  • If you could turn back the hands of time, what would you do differently with them?
  • Are you over the grieve or not?
  • If you could say one last thing to them, what will it be.

Click here to send stories or send directly to the mail, mutteringminds@gmail.com .

It’s a season of love and I sincerely wish you healing and peace. I hope you feel surrounded by much love now and always.

 

 

< 1 min read

Death is the inevitable end of Man. And most people have experienced the demise of a loved one at one time or the other. People respond to it differently.

For me, my weird mind begins to reason a lot of things. In the midst of the pain, I find myself scouring through their pictures, videos and write-ups (esp. on social media), searching for signs. Every word they ever said takes on a different meaning.

READ: IS DEATH AN OPEN SESAME?

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The pictures and videos are the ones that mess with my mind the most. Dope pictures look gloomy. The pictures they’re not smiling look like they’re mourning. The ones were they’re smiling and laughing are the most pathetic. It’s as though they were enjoying the last days of their life.

As if they knew it would happen and were just saying goodbye.

READ ALSO: THERE’S MORE TO EVERY CONDOLENCE THAN MEETS THE EYE

 

5 min read

“If I give you my all would you love me? Well, probably not because that goodbye kiss tasted like something that came out from the devil’s lips”. 

I once said to my heart, “take me back to my first heartbreak will you?” It said no, for the memory like the night, is dark and full of terrors. But guess what, without a hitch, renowned Nigerian poet and spoken word artist, Banji Coker, brought back those memories with his latest EP ‘If You See Me Liking A Girl, Shoot me!’

What can you say about your first heartbreak? For some, it was the death of a loved one, and some the disappearance of true love from their lives.

Read: Addiction Is Not As Straightforward As You Think

Banji Coker’s ‘If You See Me Liking A Girl, Shoot Me’, capitalizes on the innocence of true love and the betrayal of love. He narrates his first heartbreak and the baggage it comes with. Is there a possibility of finding love again in the future? From his tone, we can see that the baggage is so heavy and it will take a lot of weight to pull it down. 

The Life of A Broken Heart 

Especially if it’s your first, heartbreaks triggered by lost love takes a long time to get replenished and Coker’s EP hit these areas in a subtle but piercing manner. 

Look in retrospect, see through all the love you’ve entertained your whole life, there is always that one person who leaves you not only heartbroken but makes you question your esteem. Why did they go away? Was I not good enough? Who are they smiling with right now? Could I not have made her happy enough to stay?

If you see me liking a girl, shoot me
Because that goodbye kiss tasted like something that came out from the devil’s lips.

‘If You See Me Liking A Girl, Shoot Me’ paints Coker as a total failure at love and worst off, a rookie in getting over it. This is also the story of most of us who for every time we remember, a part of us dies. In his case, Coker cannot remember to forget the parting kiss.

He is hurt and desperately looking for a remedy. “…because I have been going around in cycles trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to do…”

How do Broken Hearts Heal?

Do broken hearts heal? Well, I can’t really say, maybe for some and that’s after a very long time. For the better half, it metamorphoses into a variety of phobia especially at finding love again.

Coker Voyages a web of delusion. He finds himself comparing a prospective love affair to his past, while unable to wake up to the reality that his lover has gone.

“With the little space between your teeth, you reminded me of someone I fail at forgetting. Then, with that awkward smile after, I knew you were a no go area”.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BSKEi2WBgjO/ Follow... | Dark skin ...

Many of us walk the same path as Coker. One heartbreak and we shut the doors completely. If we let in, we don’t let in completely, paranoia becomes the other of the day. 

It’s always a tough one for our new significant other. They keep wondering where they have gone wrong and sometimes get their self-esteem trampled on in trying to love us. 

www.modernromantix.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/...

My Five Cents: Rebounds do not work. If you are not ready to love again then be like Coker, make it a no-go area. He said “…You would think we would be so in sync but then again I can’t forget my history. I owe my heart such responsibility.” Love yourself enough to heal first before taking a step with love again. 

Love is beautiful but never force a person to love you, if you see that they aren’t completely over their ex, allow them be. Don’t promise them love because you’ll end up nursing a baggage too heavy for your hands to carry.

Read: About Muttering Minds
Friends Who Become Lovers. Does It Ever Last? - P.S. I Love You
Love is beautiful but never force a person to love you

Curtains Close

Even though love is preached as kind, patience, and sacrifice, you must also bear in mind that it is at every corner waiting to embarrass you if given the chance.

‘If You See Me Liking A Girl, Shoot Me’ is a nostalgic smudge for anyone who has experienced true love and heartbreak. 

Remember those nights when you had no one to call because explaining the situation does not do justice to how your entire being feels? 

Remember those days when you hoped your phone rang and it will be their name on display?

Did you forget so soon the times you couldn’t eat but the only strength running was used to power those tears that trickled down your cheek?

Light Sleepers vs. Heavy Sleepers | Everyday Health
Remember those nights…

Recall the times you fondled your pillow and ran your legs across the bed begging sleep to sweep you off your feet? But it won’t? 

If you remember all these or at least one, free your mind, allow Coker take you on this journey of love and hurt. Hearty Cheers to those who have healed. Breathe! for solace is coming for you too seeking healing.

Click here to listen to Coker’s ‘If You See Me Liking A Girl, Shoot Me’. For Deezer,  Click here!

 

Note: It’s a four-part EP. This review is for one part alone, an appetizer to make you long for the rest of it. I’ll await your feedback. 

 

9 min read

Everyone wants to grow old. I mean, I’ve never met anyone who craved badly to kick the bucket in their 30’s or less, except they’re been tormented by poverty and her colleagues; sickness, hunger, beggary, hardship, pity, you know them all. Suicide is the exit. Sometimes I wonder, is it a cliche desire to want to grow old? Or is it something we’ve individually sat down to reflect about and reckoned that we want it… badly enough? If you knew what awaits you in your old age, would you still fancy an entry into the phase?  In my opinion, there are two sides to old age; Beauty and Torment. A man may experience only one, but most men would have their face stuffed on both sides of the plate. At this stage, choice would not be confusion, rather the physical and the supernatural makes the choice for you. 

Find out why loved ones must leave their elderly in an Old People's Home

Who Daddy Was

Watching my father for the past seven years, I have an elevated share of the torment old age gifts. How do I even begin? Imagine this, one person who almost all your life was well forfeited, vigorous, a lion who would protect and a lamb who could be meek, but never weak. His temper was Jehovian, mercurial and we feared him. Discipline was his love language, I can’t throw many stones of fault, he is African. That’s what we do best, beat our children into submission, beat out any cockiness of bravery they might have. I rated him more infallible than a pope and then poof!! Like a wilting flower, his feathers started to shed. There is no other way to sugarcoat this, my old man has dementia. 

Why Do Plants Wilt?

Before the hit, I remember the good young days. My dad nurtured me and my siblings in ‘the way of the truth’. He is(was) a hardcore Christian. My mum who is currently a retired civil servant at a point in our lives, she was redeployed to Abuja from Lagos where she was with the Ministry of Communications. It was a difficult time for us but my dad ascended the task. At that time, it was me, my elder sister, and my two younger brothers. When she traveled to Abuja, she took along the last-born. She tried to come home at least once every two or three months. At the time my dad was an auto-mechanic, and an elder in our religious circle (name withheld). It wasn’t easy raising four boisterous children on his own, and most evenings I could see the strain on his face.

Read: These Scars May Never Die

I would forever be grateful to him. Not once were we made to feel that we were lacking even though we were not financially buoyant. At the time we lived in a one room apartment, popularly called face-me-I-face-you somewhere near Òkòkó, Lagos State, Nigeria. Despite the slow income lifestyle, we attended a private school with a British curriculum (this has been very instrumental in shaping who I am today). As much as he loved to break his back, my father was also a strict disciplinarian.

African Parents, Don't Provoke Your Children -

I remember coming home one day from school and not finding our black and white television where it always sat. Me and my siblings panicked and called the neighbors, the only logical answer was that someone broke in and stole it. We later found out that he was the one that took it away. He said we watched too much TV and he wanted us to take reading seriously. This decision made even more deficient my already weak social life. I had no TV to watch, so I turned to books for entertainment. This pleased my dad to no end even though later on, he would complain about my choice of books when I started reading novels and other genres.

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At about the time I finished primary school, my mum resigned (early retirement). It was also around that time we moved to Badagry where my parents owned a piece of land and had erected a structure. Few months later my immediate younger brother would die of acute malaria. Those were rough times.

old age curse

 

The Straw That Broke Daddy’s Back

The fact is that, if you don’t have a loved one who suffers dementia, you have no idea how hard it can be. It is very heartbreaking. When can I say he started to deteriorate? In our religious circle, he was an elder a long time before he even got married. He had vast experience, and over the years had taken on a number of key positions. Unfortunately, he was stripped off his eldership due to some decisions he made regarding his children. To spill the beans our religious circle frowns at higher education but he threw caution to the wind and funded our university education. The consequences rattled him badly. 

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Imagine a moment where a title that crowns your whole existence is taken forcefully from you? It was his identity and the lack of it wrecked him into chronic depression. In 2015, when I finished university, I came to meet a man I almost did not recognize. He was a shell of his former self. I was angry. I pitied him. This (and other factors) deepened my disdain for religion in general. We all knew he was depressed, he would drive his tricycle, return home tired and just eat and sleep. Even on Sundays when we did things together as a family, he would just mope around. 

Read: I’ll Never Forgive the Sins of the Church

Depression, Anxiety in old black men

Daddy Now

Dementia is a terrible thing to suffer. It’s mutual suffering for the patient and their loved ones. My dad used to be a very avid reader, a trait I took from him, however, something abnormal started to happen. Gradually he couldn’t pronounce familiar words. His activeness amid his circle of friends too started to wane. It became embarrassing seeing his friends and acquaintances try to juggle his memory and he would just shake his head forlornly. 

Read: 13 Types of Dementia, Signs, Symptoms

As this happened repeatedly, we knew something was wrong. Even my dad knew something was wrong. Often, he would call me aside and tell me he was losing his memory. When I went to his room, I would see notes scattered about, notes he had written to help jog his memory. Being a well educated family, we concluded they were signs of dementia then sought medical help. It’s quite expensive. We did a private hospital routine for a while until my mum insisted on trado-medical treatments because it’s more effective and less expensive. My mum is only a pensioner and myself and siblings are ascending the career ladder, we wouldn’t want something that wrecks the entire ship.

Epidemiology and risk factors of dementia | Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery & Psychiatry

Dementia has no relapse. Once you have it, it’s progressive. It only gets worse. The only thing you can do is treat it so it can be managed. Now he can’t remember his children’s names and only calls us by our pet names. I’m Omo ìyá (mother’s child), as he fondly calls me. Me and my siblings have left home. I go home once in a while to visit. These visits are always bittersweet. There’s my mother looking all frustrated and worn out from all the care, they’ve been married for 32 years. And then dad, asking me the same questions over and over again cause he forgets the answer every five minutes. At first, he sees me, he smiles, and calls me Omo ìyá. Five minutes later, he sees me and he’s asking “When did you get home, have I seen you today?”

Read: Dear Mum, A Curious Conversation we would Never Have

He likes to wander, and nobody goes along with him. My mom just complains, I know she’s scared but I try to make her at ease cause my dad has assured me sometime that when he walks about, his head is clear and he will always know the way back home. I sincerely hope he keeps knowing the way home. 

Wandering & Dementia – Making Sense of It

One terrible thing about dementia is that the patient believes those around them to be their enemies. Strong word? He uses the word enemy to describe my mum sometimes especially when she tries to stop him from going out and wandering. He retorts that she is holding him back. However, his spirituality tames him perfectly. He has never abhorred violence of any kind. 

Read: Dementia diagnosis often comes as part of costly crisis

Having a loved one suffering dementia is not something to be ashamed of. Why should anyone be though? It’s an attendant effect of old age. We’ve done well to inform the neighbors and Landlords Community Association where he was once the financial secretary. Almost everybody knows how to react when he keeps repeating questions. 

5 ways to take care of your aged and sick parents |

Seeing A Parent Fall Sick

Sometimes I ask myself; if my dad had retained his eldership position, would dementia have set in? Probably, I don’t know. What I know is, the fons et origo of his depression was his being yanked off something he obviously loved doing. One thing I’m taking out of all this is never to attach my happiness to anything, or anybody. My dad attached his happiness to his eldership, his religion and fell apart when it was taken from him.

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I love my dad, I know my siblings love him too (it’s so hard to read them). I feel for him. I feel for the loving dad who bought me a bottle of Coca-Cola when I finally learnt how to tell the time correctly. I feel for the loving dad who would trek to my school from his workplace to give me my lunch box when I forgot it at home (I was quite forgetful as a kid). I think he deserves more. I know he deserves more. I also feel for my mum. They love each other deeply, I admired how he was always attentive to her needs and especially loved how he brightened whenever she was around. I can’t imagine how it must be for her now, seeing her once active husband now behaving like an infant. It must be very tough on her.

old age curse

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It’s painful seeing a parent fall sick especially in their old age where it hits you that they would not be here forever. And a hurtful truth is that life is moving by too fast, you cannot offer them your presence as much as you wished. Taking care of a sick parent (a loved one generally) comes with every shade of fear, it exhausts you emotionally, physically, and financially. Whenever my phone rings, and it’s my mum, I’m scared of what she might say. One way or the other, we’ve all had our share of fear of losing our parents. Some have already lost, some have won the battle that may only last a while, and some would have their experience soon. I’d like to learn about your own personal experience/ unique ways in catering for your parents. Importantly, what do you reckon as best ways we can care for our parents in their old age or in sickness, despite chasing a busy career path or better put amid trying to find our footing in real adulthood. 

The Old Age Gamble

Like I asked earlier, if you knew what awaits you in your old age, would you still fancy an entry into the phase? Dementia is one out of a hundred illnesses that is associated with old age. You don’t know what will happen, the phase is a gamble. I’ve heard some folks say they do not want to live beyond 70, because it can be so stressful. Beyond the age, you have no dream of becoming anything, you just want to witness what your children would become. The excitement of living is dependent on what others can do for you or achieve for you. Except the rich folks who are a bit different in the sense that they do not become a financial burden to their loved ones. Would you like to turn old and gray? What are you most afraid of that could befall your old age? And the ultimate question, is old age a blessing or a curse? Let’s discuss in the comment section.

4 min read

Life we say is unfair.  A friend once said to me, “it has to be bad for someone for it to be good for you”… likewise vice versa. In my case, as much as it leaves the other party at an unfair disadvantage, I cannot but be happy for myself.  The only thing I find unfair regarding my experience which I intend to share with you is this statement;  “Marriage is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”. It’s blinding, it makes you not see things clearly even when they’re right before your eyes. In marriage, they say if the other party hasn’t brutally wronged you, then you have no right to walk away. In my eyes, ‘wrongs’ in marriage should not be subjected to a particular pedestal, the littlest of things which is considered flimsy to the majority should not be invalidated. They are also wrongs too. 

I am a married woman who’s in love with another. What could my husband have done to make me have my eyes set on another? Well I don’t have the answers. Twelve years ago when I walked down the aisle with him, I never planned for this to happen. But it is what it is, I’ve found myself deeply in-love with a man 6 years younger than I am. I never knew I had the strength to go through with this, but it remains one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Read: Why I Cheat on my Wife

soulmate after marriage

 

How We Started Vs How It’s Going

So this fateful day, Andre slid into my DM  to enquire further about a business deal I posted, he liked my response and decided to stick around as a friend. As time went on, we became very cool friends, he was really open about his life and journey and that made me feel so comfortable around him. I started opening up to him about my life as well, business and my worries, and now, he’s so there for me, no matter what. He’s proven to be a good support system, the definition of intentional in a way that makes love refreshing. 

Reading: Why I Love Older Women

Wonder how I can tell Andrea truly loves me? Well love is in the eyes. I see it, I feel it, and in fact breathe it when I’m with him. With him, it’s a ‘we’ thing and not a sole journey. Little things matter when love is involved, we decorated his apartment together, so it feels like home for me. He has essentials in his house for my use whenever I come around,  has my flow chart app on his phone, and he is up to date. He is open about his finances, I know how much he earns, he ensures I get a gift from him always, no matter how little. He fills his fridge with drinks that I like.

soulmate after marriage

Andrea totally understands my pattern and mood, and important to mention how kind he is to people around him too, so I know he’s not just not being sweet to me. He doesn’t judge me, he supports me and pushes me to be a better person. Gosh! He cares so much about me that it scares me. As the sweet girl that I am, I reciprocate all this by loving him against all odds. I’m so used to him that I can’t imagine my life without him, I call him the love of my life, he calls me his sweet face. We are like high school lovers, we are soul mates! He writes the sweetest notes, he is really expressive about his feelings and that has forced me out of my shell too. I can tell him exactly how I feel, how I want to be loved. He allows me to be myself, I don’t have to hide my true and crazy self. He apologizes first when we argue. We throw subtle shade at each other, and we don’t take things personally.

 

Questions??

I am not going to talk about the other person, feel free to judge us based on what I’ve shared with you. And if you say Andrea might be too young for me, I am not threatened by his age, he in fact makes me feel like a baby. There’s  a lot to say but the summary is, for the first time in my life, I’m in love with someone who treats me right, loves my body the way it is and never holds back. I like to believe I’ve found my soulmate, though unfortunate after marriage. 

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soulmate after marriage

Many would point fingers at me, and ask why I decided to cheat on my husband, and even conclude that the best approach would have been to communicate with my husband on how I want to be loved.  You see,  as much as love is teachable, it’s not teachable too. The heart would always gravitate in the direction it wants to. What my husband has given me so far, is his best understanding of how he sees love. It’s not enough for me, and it’ll be further unfair for me to keep overreaching. Communication is beautiful, but we must learn to walk away when the people we hope to hear us cannot comprehend. Even in marriage too. 

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Now my big question… I mentioned earlier that people only encourage walking away from marriage when one’s partner has brutally wronged them. In this case, they mean domestic violence. Based on my experience, I’ll say it’s wrong to have that as the only qualifier. Should I remain married to a person who has brutally wronged me by not loving me in the way that I want to?  Both singles and married readers, I need your honest opinion. I know some married folks go through this too, please share your experience with me in the comment section👇👇.