I like to go to a new environment with a clean slate. I am not a fan of having friends go to some particular environments with me or me having to familiarize myself with an old acquaintance in a new environment. I love it all brand new.
So I thought I got it all covered when I enrolled in a gym quite a distance from my house. It’s always been a good ride though, knowing you get to flow with people who don’t even know jack about you and you too knowing zilch about them.
I have been enjoying the flow at the gym until recently when I found out a guy there happens to know one of my dad’s old workers (sacked). Being in tune with the character of the ex-worker, I tried not to familiarize myself with the guy in that area especially because I was trying to avoid gossip.
But can you imagine what happened today *hard face*… I was enjoying the moment digging deep on some heavy squats only for the guy to look me in the eye and say… “You! I heard that you are a silent killer.” Excuse you!! Did you just say that to me? I queried in my mind.
To salvage the almost tensed up mood, I responded with a fake smile and asked: “From who?” He said I shouldn’t worry that he’s doing some investigations about me. Wow! I have never received such a stupid response from anyone in a long time. I leave the gym daily without thinking of you, but your case is different, you leave and investigate me on a daily right?
I ignored him completely… O not completely per se, all the while I kept on with the squats, all I could think of was that his source was none other than the recalcitrant ex-worker. It has to be him, such a loose who talks like he’s about to win a trophy for it.
Who knows what other information he must have fed the guy with. Imagine someone I haven’t had a well-rounded one-minute conversation with having the impression that I am a silent killer. So ridiculous.
Hey Mutual! Take A Chill Pill
Mutual connections/friends freak me out. Do you know me from high school or college? Privileged to work in the same office? Take a chill pill.
The girl you knew in high school who used to wet the bed no longer does. Why narrate the tale to co-workers on how she was disgraced?
The boy who was expelled in high school for having sex with a girl after night-prep is perhaps older and wiser now. Stop denting his name at work.
You will agree with me that our years in high school were the most adventurous formative stage of our childhood. We did much silly rubbish but thank God we are wiser now (I like to believe more than half of us are).
I get very unsteady anytime I bump into someone mutually connected in an unfamiliar environment especially the ones from high school. In split seconds my brain begins to joggle tons of questions. What is she doing here? Does she know anyone I know? I hope we don’t exchange numbers because I am not meeting up!
Dear Seekers, Know This!
You are very wrong if you entertain tales like this. Yes, I understand some individuals enjoy feeding people’s heads with ideas about other people or with excavated past results, but some of you push for it.
The moment you hear“I know this chic, we attended the same high school”, your antennas grow wings. “Oh really, what about her? Gist me o”, you keep bugging until you get what you want.
Like hellooooo…!! If you feel the need to know someone better, why meet them from another person’s point of view? Some of you even after meeting a new friend, instead of being patient with the person and nurturing the friendship, you assume the role of undercover agents. You go about asking people/close parties questions like…“how is she”, “how does she behave”, “Is she seeing anyone?” and so many other irrelevant questions. Stop It!
“Hi Sophie, good morning. How far, were you able to read English for Journalism Course?” I asked with my hopes up, so sure she was going to say No.
“Hi, Doris! Yes, I have started. The course actually got interesting. Beside hubby encouraged me to begin”. There goes Sophie’s response.
On God, I wish I had a golf ball to throw at her skull so I could get her thinking straight. How could she have?
Here’s what happened Prior to this… In a bid to make us better journalists, the publishing editor where we work made it mandatory for us to study a Journalism course on Coursera and failure to do so will involve higher authorities and pay slash.
I was not going to study the course, at least not this past week. Asides that I got pissed at the threat to improve my skill, I was ill and had a lot of activities to cover this past weekend.
Getting to work yesterday, aka D Day, a select few of my colleagues who had initiated a mini-revolt over the course last week began speaking some English I couldn’t comprehend.
ME: Did you read the course?
Person 1: Errrrm kinda, I just glanced through last night.
Person 2: Not really, I watched the videos, it was quite helpful.
Person 3: I’m almost done with the course.
At this point, I knew that my adversaries had caught up with me.
Misery Loves Company
Well, that’s enough about me. Many times we wish we were sunk in the same predicament with our friends and that’s because It makes it bearable. Does it mean we don’t wish them well? No. It only goes to show how well misery loves company.
A person who reads day and night to pass an exam only to end up failing won’t be as sad if she knows her close friends failed it too.
A lady who is single somewhere at the back of her mind wishes her friends were single too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like she’s jealous but if the status were even, it will allay the burden of questioning one’s worth.
This might rub off as silly but then it’s one of the genuine qualities that validates our human nature. We are this way. No one wants to be left behind especially when it has to do with a failing remark.
My Adversaries Caught up but it was a Draw
Now back to my story…
“How many of you are done with the English for Journalism course”…the boss charged.
Wow! No hands were up. Not even Sophie’s or the recalcitrant child who told me he watched only the videos.
I have never been this relieved in a long time at work. Guess what, all our names were filed to the HR. All the while in my mind I was singing sweet praises to God. What if she gave a hall pass to those who haven’t completed it at least? I would have been the scapegoat of the company knowing fully well Christmas has been long gone.
Friendship is good but it is also a ruse. O yes! I said it… perhaps a subliminal ruse to some but it is definitely a ruse.
Of what good is friendship if I cannot manipulate you once in a while? We all want someone that can be all out and there for us, that’s the major reason why we make friends.
It is a lie when you say “For any reason, I cannot take advantage of my friends”. That is a lie. Maybe you need to revise the meaning of the word ‘advantage’. We take advantage of friendship in different ways. Let me state some examples… You are supposed to meet up with a friend to go somewhere together yet you keep delaying. You say you are close but meanwhile, you are still in your house. The level of speed you invest in getting ready to meet with your so-called buddy is definitely way different from what you give your boss or a business partner..am I right? This is you taking advantage of friendship.
Imagine you needed to get front row at a concert and your close friend happens to have free access. If they denied you the chance wouldn’t you begin to question your friendship with them?
A person sees you and wants to be friends with you, don’t get too excited, find out what they want. At the initial stage, it can be hard to tell, even they themselves might not know what they want from you but pretty soon the need(s) starts to manifest.
Every friend wants something, every friend has a reason if not reasons why they are still friends with you. At some point, they might have thought about leaving your ass, but that reason keeps them going.
If an old friend suddenly starts with the love and affection all again ask them: “This thing you seek, was there no one out there to give to you?”.
It’s some funny question, right? I don’t always ask them though, I ask myself. I know they are back for a reason and in no time that reason becomes conspicuous.
Let me ask you, “Why do you still have phone numbers of people you haven’t spoken to in years?”, is it mere laziness to clear them? Of course not. What keeps you from deleting is because you take solace in the fact that they might still be able to perform the roles they performed when you first met or they could something different in the future.
If you call friendship a game, you are right. Nobody makes friends for the sake of it. Even kids. If the reason is that you make them smile, then subliminally that is what makes them stick with you.
So one Saturday morning while conversing with my younger brother on the phone on some house gist, we were having some good banter until he asked out of the blues…“Marvin said I should ask if you are at Onyi’s marriage introduction.”
Hmmm! In split seconds my brain literally bounced. I didn’t know how to feel about the question but a huge part of me was definitely confused. First! Which Onyi…Second! Would the Onyi I know keep me in the dark concerning her introduction?
In the wake of my confusion I managed to ask “Which Onyi” He answered rhetorically “Which one before?” It was actually the ‘Onyi’ I knew. “Ooooooo, I’ve been very busy, but mehn I am so counting down for the wedding”…this was me feigning that I was aware but couldn’t make it. I mean I had to do that.
After the call, l started to look for every reason why she wouldn’t have told me. I began buying various excuses on her behalf. The only thing I could lay hold of as tangible was that she always complained I was too busy and was fond of last last-minute decline of invites. That was it right? Even if it might not have been, I had to choose it as my truth.
“Well introductions are not so important, Its the first official meeting of both families…the wedding is the big deal” this was me still consoling myself even if she still hasn’t told me till date🙂.
More often than not, we are pissed when we hear something about our ‘friends’ from someone else. We cannot wrap our heads around why they didn’t tell us, but wait! before you scream betrayal, How much of a friend are you to them, compared to the ones they told?
A person might have a hierarchy of ten close friends, and has a slot for three, how do you think they will make their choice? Of course, it has to be the top three on their list and if you happen to be number four, sorry!
Looking from another angle, we all have different ways of processing information. If I got a heavy gist to share, I know the friends to tell immediately and the ones to tell later after the dust has settled. It doesn’t involve hierarchy sometimes.
Likewise seeking advice on certain issues and ideas for upcoming projects, I know who to call among my friends.
At the end of the day, it’s different friends for a different case for me.
You will be surprised to find out where a person places you in their lives but most importantly respect it. If a friend doesn’t tell you about something it’s not an avenue to get angry or go ahead to confront them.
You know you can see two people together every time, going about the same stuff, eating side by side in the cafeteria, laughing at the same jokes, sometimes wearing the same outfit, plying the same route, etc. but they are not actually friends.
This habit is most common with students, we all need something from one another and so we form allies. We need someone to help us lobby our names on the attendance sheet whenever we will be missing lectures, someone to give the silent calls and codes during exams, etc.
Often, It is not only two individuals who form this kind of union, most times it is usually up to a cartel number, you see a group of four or five people walking together and going about the same stuff but more than half the time, they are not friends, only together for a reason.
I remember following this ritual when I was in college. Four ladies who connected because of school work, weekends were not an option, but you see Mondays until Fridays, we will practically blow up each other’s phones with rings. “Babe, what’s up? Are you coming to lectures? Mr O said we will be writing a test, please reserve a space for me”…similar needs like this, we will always request from one another. We knew we weren’t friends. But guess what! We worked things out. Through the heat of various requests, we were able to figure one another out, knowing what each other likes and dislikes and viola! We are still friends till today.
Why am I writing this? Most times we deliberately form these allies, other times it happens subconsciously. You just find yourself always with a particular person or a mini group. Some people get it wrong, they think they have made friends and begin to scream betrayal when the person they thought they had made friends with crosses over to another party.
Never be foolish to think you are friends, at least not immediately. When a group is no longer serving its purpose, the ones who knew the core ingredient that attracted them to the group always leave because they invested no affection.
Whenever adult male virginity is raised in a conversation, there is usually an expected glare of surprise, and a dominating culture shock filling the atmosphere. Like Jeeeezzzzz it’s almost impossible to believe that even a day-old male child is a virgin, talk more of an adult. Losing virginity for the male folk has always been an ego massager and a level of bragging rights. Typical Nigerian parlance, you’ll often hear guys bant “You don fuck girl before?”, or a not so diplomatic mockery from a fellow man to another, “Why you dey behave like virgin”, which in the actual sense means “You ought to be smart”. Isn’t it ridiculous that there seems to be an almost generalized assumption that male virgins are not smart? It also sounds absurd that for a man to be well respected, he must have had sex with a lady, and the higher the body count, the higher the respect accorded him.
Do men even understand what it means to wait? Unlike we women whereby virginity is used as a social construct to tame us, you know how we ladies especially as teenagers fondly gushed with these lines “I’ll like to wait till marriage”, “I made an oath with God that I wouldn’t lose my virginity until marriage”, “My virginity is sacred”, and so on. It’s almost impossible to find a man that upholds any of these and even if he exists, he mostly lacks the confidence to be vocal about it, I’m sure you know why.
Maybe I’m Wrong…
So a few years ago I met this dude who I vibed with so much and you know how youthful exuberant-inclined conversations play out, both parties are always curious about the other person’s sex life. And boom he hit me with the “I’m a virgin” line and also went ahead to preach chastity. The only logical question I could ask him was “Are you a virgin for lack of opportunity or it’s a decision?” He maintained that it’s his decision and went all preachy about the spiritual implication of having sex. Well well, he was 25-years-old at the time and four years down the line, he’s lost his virginity at 29. Finding out, I said to him “Dude you know what, I need you to share your experience on your long spanned virginity on Muttering Minds. Male virginity is a topic that should be explored”. Thankfully he agreed…
Despite losing my virginity at a very shocking age (29) for my gender, sex still remains a very sacred act to me. Can’t deny I had sexual fantasies as a teenager which I think is normal, but I grew up in a religious home where rather than attending to my fantasies, it was only wise to follow the status quo which was being chaste. My mother did a good job of making sure we followed suit.
However, getting to my 20’s, I started knowing girls on a deeper wavelength and the urges naturally came. I had my share of wet dreams too and most mornings I woke to sperm splatter all over my briefs and sometimes an erection. I also watched porn sometimes but never masturbated instead I indulged in some freaky shit when in close corners with ladies like kissing, smooching but it never led to ejaculation or sex. I was careful because I had read about the spiritual implications, like diseases, bad luck, ancestral curses and so on that can be transferred through sex, so waiting felt like the right thing to do. It was also a personal decision too, I did not want to tie my soul with anyone that will not be my wife.
I was not vocal about my virginity, I was not shy about it either because I understood it was not easy to stay chaste, so I didn’t rub it on a fornicator’s face. I didn’t boast about it either and I also was not ashamed of it when asked. And even when I met guys who boasted about their sex life, I never felt intimidated at all because I knew they don’t really know what they are engaging in. For my female friends, I always gave and still give advice on how not to get exploited or abused sexually.
Despite being vocal about my virginity when I could, I was never a turn-off for ladies, rather they found it attractive. They often said “who will pop you? She must be lucky bla bla bla…” Matter of fact, male virgins are always attractive to the female folks, they smell the pheromone from afar, and find it very sexually attractive.
I lost my virginity because of my girlfriend, I had starved her for many years sexually, so I decided that when I will eventually have sex with her will be closed to getting married to her. But unfortunately, we didn’t get married again. My first sex felt good and worth it, although I cummed quick and felt like an amateur, subsequently, I learned the science… “before I cum, I make her cum, that’s what I came to do”.
And of course, I will be elated to marry a virgin. There is a special blessing attached to that. It’s ideal to meet your husband or wife as a virgin. Though society makes it look wack, it doesn’t mean it’s not a virtue. My advice for both genders is to stay sealed. Keep your virginity till you find the right partner. There are so many benefits to staying chaste. There is no benefit in promiscuity. None!!
I’m guessing you poked some areas in his story or maybe not. Well, we both know that his opinion is rare especially judging by the evolvement of the world where chastity doesn’t make the news. I remember a conversation with a pal on Naked Minds, he asked me what sex meant to me and I told him sex was sex to me and it upset him. He felt I wasn’t being open enough. To date, I often wonder what he expected me to say. I must be frank, the whole spiritual attachment to sex seems scary, and due to not wanting to overthink it, I resolved some time ago to see sex as a mere scientific face valued activity for reproduction or pleasure.
Come to think of it, why is it that virtually all adult virgins on planet earth indulge in one form of sexual activity or the other, some very intense like blowjobs and sucking boobies. I have never met a completely chaste virgin why??? I tag it fraudulent. If you want to be chaste, then be it in all forms!
On this note, I have some pertinent questions I’ll like to pick your brains on. Do you agree that sex is more spiritual than scientific? Please share your reasons. However, just like he exists, I am certain there are some other male virgins out there and I’ll really love to hear varying opinions. If you’re a male virgin reading this, I’m curious to know, how vocal are you about your non-sexual life? Has it been a case of waiting for you or lack of opportunity and inferiority complex?
Now, to non-virgin males, prior to losing your virginity, did you understand the concept of ‘waiting’ or you were only eager to know what the cookie tasted like?
Also, it’s ironic that my friend said ladies found it attractive he was a virgin, I know for certain, most men avoid ladies who are virgins for mostly fear of blood and lack of performance, I would have sworn ladies avoided men too. To the ladies reading this, what’s your opinion about male virginity? Can you date a guy who’s a virgin?
I know its so many pointers in one story, but we can discuss, right😊? Please leave me your honest comments below 👇👇.
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Dear mum, do you sometimes feel like my social life is ruined because of the man you married? I see it in your eyes, whenever you talk about some specific kids my age, the opportunities they get, and how you wish one of your kids will at least catwalk in similar shoes. You want more, I see it but for the most part, you’re scared you would never get it. The entirety of your wanting more is for your kids and you’re too scared to admit that things could have been more bliss but for the glitch in parenting. I know deep down when you have your sober reflections, you cut a larger piece of the blame for yourself. You detest the social awkwardness your children suffer but unfortunately, it is who we are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself mum, or fault the stricken strictness of your husband, I must confess, I’ve grown to enjoy the beauty of my personhood, I’m entertained by my baby steps even in adulthood.
Why worry about my love life mum? Did you expect I would have tied the knot so easy? You did I know, and it’s a shame. How do you plant corn seeds and expect to reap big tubers of yam? Every time you say “Ujunwa you must marry o, onye amuru na amu ibe ya (He that is birthed must birth)”, I get attracted to the frustration that strengthens the tone of your voice and the confused rotation of your eyes. You hate my nonchalance towards marriage I know, hence me making sure my first response is usually “Na so” (a payback maybe). Even though you emphasize my age, I know it’s the least of your worries. You’re scared something is wrong with me psychologically, you regret not creating a bond between us from inception. Well, I used to be a lot in my feelings when I was much younger about this, especially when I hear someone say “My mum is my best friend”, I lowkey hated them for having what I could never have, but along the line, I figured it’s still surreal to have best friends who are not mums.
Hmmm, mum, you mean to tell me that one day, I’ll have to foot the bills of my kids as you and Dad do? Scary shit! I think of you sometimes and I wonder how rich you’ll have become if you didn’t birth any kids. “Mummy this! Mummy that! Mummy this” from every corner of the home even down to the extended family. When I was younger, I was lowkey scared, I thought you needed help psychologically because there was rarely a time I’ll barge into your room and not find you talking to yourself. “Watch mummy, she’s always talking to herself”, I once hinted at my sister frightfully, but the she-goat wasn’t as sensitive. Reminiscing on those moments as an adult, now I can relate. The bills were so overwhelming, I bet you cried your eyes silly sometimes but stupid me always bragged to my friends in high school about how rich my parents are. It’s not my fault, there was not one thing I asked that you didn’t make sure was provided, even when dad reiterated how trivial it was, you made sure I and my siblings got it.
I had never felt so much guilt spending your money until the conversation we had some time last month and you openly said your salary before you retired banking was N120,000. What!! I held myself throughout the gist and amid the laughter, I was breaking inside and that night I suffered a lack of sleep and shed a few tears thinking about you and how much dad’s salary would have been too because he was also a banker. The salary you used in sustaining a home was my first job salary which I considered too small, I still cannot imagine how you were able to send 5 kids to good schools, clothing, feeding, etc. I regret tripling my school fees and money for handouts, I guess I was influenced by my brother who one time said to me “Anything they ask you to pay for in school, better double it, mummy and daddy have money, they’re just pretending”. For some reason, these words stuck with me through university, If I had known how much you were earning I swear I would have been considerate.
The Sex Conversation
Another thing I’ll be shocked to find out is if you still have sex mum. I watch you and sometimes your eyes tell that you’re unhappy for some key reasons yet you run with the bias that “mothers are supposed to keep the home, and not show fragility!” I see how you smile watching your favourite sitcom, ‘The Johnsons’, especially the hilarious lovey-dovey scenes of the couple characters Emu and Lucky. You wish you could share love gestures like that with your husband huh? I know. Do you still have sex? I doubt. I figured you got tired of wanting some things and adjusted, now you’re such a good actor who suffers a romantic awkwardness with her husband. I wish we could have a sex conversation, I long to know your definition of a spark and your fantasies about marriage. It’s glaring there’s a lot you hide in those cupboards locked in your eyes.
I know you’re eager to know if I’m sexually active too but you’re not sure if my answer will break or merry your heart. You could have asked during the Vagina pills conversation, but you blew your shot by feigning ignorance as usual. Well, I suffered genophobia for decent years and all I needed were the words of a mum or better put, my mum, holding my hands and saying summarily to me “It’s not that deep”.
The Death Conversation
I hate how brutally honest you’re with death, although you’re dramatic when you cry over death, yet your move on is superb. When I lost my close friend Blessing and always cried my eyes out and got scared to sleep, I hated how you handled it. “You better stop crying, your friend has left this wicked world and you’ll leave one day too”, despite admitting you’ve never seen me that broken yet you refused me succour. You said the bitter truth though but still…you made me question your tendencies of being heartless especially when I hinted at seeing her in my dream and you quickly rebuked it. I went on to ask if you’ve seen your late father in the dream and with a much covered up hostile tone, you responded “What for? My father is resting peacefully, only dead people who are bad are seen in dreams”. This tops the list of the ignorant things you’ve ever said.
If you die today Mum, I’ll still love to host you in my dreams just to have you echo my name, and annoy me with silly chores like calling me on the phone to help you get something from the fridge even though you’re seated literally at arm’s length from the fridge. I’ll still love to see you for sometime mum. You’re right about the need to move on after death, I just hate your approach in telling it.
You are not among the most popular or powerful women in the world, not every mum is. We might not have had any tangible mother-daughter conversation, it doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything from you. I have learned so much. Ooo boy! You’re a fervent preacher of ‘Savings’, although I somewhat hate how you preach it harshly and remind me of impending sufferings if I do not adhere. I know you think I’m a dummy in this aspect but ever heard of the saying “Never tell your parents how much you’re earning and how much you’ve saved”? Don’t be scared, I have some little saved. And your trenchant wit quote “Not having money is a sin” has become my mantra too, again don’t be scared, I wouldn’t end up poor.
I learned the beauty of “Support being reciprocal” from you. When I observed that sometimes the blended tomatoes in the house is sometimes sour and other times sweet. I asked why and you opened up about rotating two different sellers. I complained that you ditched the bad tomato seller but you told me it wasn’t possible because both women buy from you. You added that support is reciprocal and that even if it meant having to eat not too good tomatoes for a week, you’ll bear it. Since that conversation mum, I make sure to support every friend’s business who reads my blog as much as I can. However, in an attempt to practice rotating among my two cloth vendor friends who are dedicated readers of my blog, like the bad tomato seller, one served me shitty customer service, to date, I have not gotten my dress. My encounter is not to nullify your lesson on support but opens my eyes on the unreliable nature of some folks.
Dear mum, most of the words written here are the conversations I wish we could have or you should know. This should be the right opportunity but unfortunately, you don’t read my blog. No, I’m not pissed, I promise. I only feel it’s a subconscious tit for tat as I hate to unhook your bra on most occasions. No hard feelings, only that you mostly show up when I’m having a not-so-good time.
ABOUT YOUR MUM
Last week was mother’s day and before it, I’ve been asking some close friends when exactly is Mother’s day cause I know there’s usually an established confusion with the dates, all thanks to varying church denominations. I had prepared pointers for this story some months ago and felt having it published on Mother’s Day would be great but how unfortunate, I missed the rapture. I was amused to see “happy mothers day mum”, on almost everyone’s story last Sunday and went on to query my friend Bubu for not keeping me abreast. Her hilarious response via chat was “Who you blame? This one is not acknowledged on Google, they said this one na pentecostal mother’s day, catholic’s own is still coming, then the one that is recognized worldwide is on its way too”.
Hmmmmm, rather than miss the next and even the next, I decided to have this post come up today because there’s every likelihood that I’m gonna be caught unaware the umpteenth time. Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?
Anyway, I want us to talk about our mothers today, not in the cliche way that we’re fond of, for instance “My mum is the best mum in the world”, you know that’s a fallacy right? I want this version of describing mums to be real, vulnerable, and unique. Those little and big bits you’ve observed about your mum, those words you wish you could say, conversations you should have had, let’s talk! Telling some sides of the story will most definitely hurt you, or make you tear up like I did when writing this, but I want you to be vulnerable in telling. If your mother is late or peradventure you were abandoned as a child, I urge you, don’t feel left out, please share. I’m sure you have memories and if not, there are still some things you wish you could say to them. Feel free.
Like you’ve read mine, please leave yours in the comment section so we can all learn. You might not be able to write as long as I did, but I’m sure you can pick an intense part of the narrative to relay. So shall we👇👇.
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Brushing my fingertips round and about my pubic hairs spread across my pelvic and around the lips of my vagina on many nights I’ve lost count, it is such a sweet feeling I cannot explain🤤. I play with the hairs, untangle them whilst scrolling through Instagram feeds with my other hand or trying to put me to bed. You can’t tell me otherwise, this is the best self-inflicting lullaby in the world🛌. So unfortunate, babies do not have pubic hairs, I could have recommended this therapy for nursing mums. Lol, I bet you just pictured a baby having pubic hairs🤣. At times I shave and I’m angry cause there’s nothing to hypnotize me in bed for the next two weeks🥲. How funny, Sometimes I forget I cleared the lawn, I happily dip my hands in my panties only to have my fingers walk on a distasteful bald head, yuck! What a bad night for the cut😒!? Shaving is no doubt sexy but I’ll rather not a clean one, trimming is my holy grail🤤. Ps. this does not apply to my underarm😑.
I feel it’s absolutely normal to itch your pelvic region and smell it. I’m always eager to know what it smells like😴. I hate the hypocrisy on social media, remind me of that Big Brother Naija housemate who was caught on camera digging for some gold down there and went ahead to smell the roses afterward😂. He attracted so much mockery for doing something normal. Best believe for every 9 out of 10, whenever my fingers find themselves in my pelvic, once they’re out, I sniff😇. I want to know what I smell like always, I want to know how awful or sweet, if they need more work or you know😉. How do I present a feast I have no idea how it tastes to the sons of men to devour🤭? It’s like cooking for a guest without tasting it, how do you know if it needs more or less salt or maybe pepper? Let’s quit the pretense, please. Damn you! I also smell my panties most times when I take them off🙄.
Sleep- You’ll mostly find me hugging my pillow or having it tucked in-between my legs when I’m asleep. And if I’m not sleeping stark naked, I’m either sleeping with only a polo on or wearing only my pants. And if push comes to shove with the weather, my pyjamas and hoodie comes to my rescue🛌.
Love- Jokes on the big idiot who came up with the phrase “love don’t cost a thing”, such foolish talk😑! to please who if I may ask? Love costs many things for me, apart from time and money, I hate that it keeps me on my toes, sometimes I’m so grounded in work and for an entire six hours, I’ve forgotten I have a boyfriend😖. And my phone beeps, shit! This nigga beat me to it, I guess he just remembered he has a girlfriend too😂.
Family- This is where forced love takes seed in me. I wish I could tell everyone off on this tree sometimes, but I’ve grown to realize the way they are unbearable sometimes to me is the same way I am to them🥺. I’m so unclear to my family members, I’ve learned to save them the trauma of discovering who I truly am and I think it’s okay😊. The most important thing is that I fulfill my quota as a member and everyone does the same, this way we find happiness🤗.
Kids- I’m ashamed to admit I got zero tolerance for kids🥴, the same way I react over an adult’s mistake of spilling water on the floor, is the same way I react when a kid does same😑. I feel like I need saving in this regard because I intend to birth kids someday too😍.
Friends– I have a handful of close friends, lowkey I think they are angry at me for not picking a best😏. But picking a best will make me solely dependent on someone who thinks it’s okay to be foolish even at serious moments🤣. I often wonder why good friends first laugh at your misery before figuring how to help though. Also what if I pick a best friend who cannot provide me with all the solutions? Friendship should be treated like work too, just like we deliver on our areas of strengths at work, friendship should be the same😁. Don’t you dare stress my brain! You ought to have several options to run to.
Dogs- I have two dogs and I wish they could talk, like real talk🗣. I figure I’ve made some wrong turns in life, I could use their advice because humans have failed me in this regard😖. I hate it when someone tries to mimic my dogs when they bark or say “shut up!” “stupid dog”, and then they project some boring laughter too, perhaps laughing at their own stupidity because I don’t get what’s so funny😖? Utterly disrespectful! How do you see a dog and resolve to insults and sometimes throw stones🥺? I often wish I could release my dogs for a chase so we’ll see who gets the last laugh😑. Whenever I hear tales that someone got bitten by a dog, in my mind I’m happy, dancing for joy🤣. Excuse me sir/ma, what did you do? I need to hear from the other party. Gosh! I really wish dogs could talk🥺.
Colleagues- (Except for few exceptions) If we work in the same place, I find it offensive that you’re looking me up on social media🙄. Trying to know how crazy my family is or what’s off about my personality? Why though?? Why do you wanna know me?? The only business we should have is work, I play my part excellently and that’s it😐. Office get-togethers have got to be the sickest initiative to come into existence, now what?? Should I get drunk in front of you all and dance my titties out🙄? Hell no! You won’t even come as far as viewing my WhatsApp status, I block you if I have to save your number and if I on a day the Lord made find your status on my feed, you’re blocked immediately. Honey, I do not wish to know you on that level, okay?😶
Nice- “I think you’re nice Uju, can we be friends?” For reasons best known to God, I still haven’t figured out why I hate being classified as “nice”🤣. I feel the word holds so much sentiment and shouldn’t be used in describing anyone. Ps. I’m not nice! don’t put me on that pedestal because by the time you see a fraction of my craze, you’ll feel like you’ve betrayed yourself and that shit hurts🧐. The word ‘nice’ messes so bad with my brain to a grave extent that if you ever say to me “I need you to meet *****, he’s a nice man”, I swear, I’m not meeting them🙄. And then when I ask you “how’s my outfit?”, you respond “It’s nice”, I automatically conclude you lack the core ingredients of being human, you should be a paper bag or something😪.
Food- Work comes first for me, for a fact, if I’m not getting a task right, I don’t see why I should eat🧐. Sometimes I feel my stomach groaning for help but my coconut brain is trying to finish up a task first so I plead with my stomach to plead with my brain to come through so that we all can be happy😁. Food tastes so much better for me when my mind is fulfilled on a task👍.
Sweets- I chew sweets the moment they land their feet on my tongue, Do you lick or chew sweets? Do people really lick sweets? Do you? 🤔
Looks- Not my client getting thrilled after visiting this website (Muttering Minds) and affirming he wouldn’t pay me my balance until he sees what I look like. Must be crack right😏? What is it with people and wanting to know how I look? Enjoy the conversation dammit😑! I prefer to commune via chats (mails especially) with people I don’t know from adam, I don’t care to imagine how or what they look like. You soil the relationship the moment you ask to see what I look like😑. Don’t ask! I’ll randomly send you jpegs on my very good days, be patient😂.
Phone Calls- I slightly get irked or really irritated whenever my phone rings especially if I’m not expecting a delivery😒. More than half the time I don’t pick up, I find myself contemplating a thousand and over reasons why you must be calling me😏. Text is better, it lessens my anxiety. The most annoying thing is calling me when my phone’s hotspot is connected to my laptop☹, now I how to wait for your call to stop before I continue working, the audacity! My mum is guilty of this, I’ve pleaded with her several times to call me preferably on Whatsapp if she must but no, African parents make the rules🤦♀️. She rings my phone for every reason in the world, sometimes she calls me just to tell me how she doesn’t understand why my dad is not picking her calls and that I should check if he’s home, I figure my dad is tired too🤣. I enjoy phone calls sometimes though, but that’s rare.
STUPID STATEMENTS/ QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK
“In no particular Order”- I automatically conclude you’re a blatant liar the moment you say this before calling out names. The first few names you called are the ones most important to you; they wouldn’t come first in your head if they aren’t, so quit lying through your teeth😑.
“Kindly follow back”– Hellooo!!! I’ve seen you followed me and that’s on you🙄. Now can you let me decide if to follow back or not? Is it supposed to be blood for blood🙄?
“Are you good in bed?”– How do you expect me to know? So dumb! 😖 You should ask people who’ve had their share of the cake. Besides its relative, what’s good for them might be bad for you🙅♀️.
“Do you have a crush?”- I’m sorry I cannot relate🙄, especially with how people describe what their crushes do to them. I am not possessed please🤣🤣.
“What’s your best color?”- If I’ve ever given you an answer to this question, I was only trying to curtail your leeching curiosity🤣. I do not have a best color, yellow can look good on a tee but very alarming on my feet. It depends on the item really. If you have a favorite color you are a cow🤣🤣
“Can you do me a Favor?”- Do you expect me to say no upfront☹? Don’t start a conversation with me on these lines, go ahead and say what you want, and then leave my capacity to be the judge😐.
NOW PICK THE BATON!!
Sure you’ve been wondering what kind of individual wears such a weighty personality🤣🤣. Well, that’s me and I may be pleased to meet you too🤭. This week I took time to think introspectively about my personality, especially these bits. I realize that they go a long way in defining my personhood😄. I thought of sharing it with you all, with high hopes that you’ll check my list or cross them😁. It’s a long list I know, but I’m curious to ask, do we share some traits at least😅? Tell me what and what we have in common😉, and which of them leaves you in shock🤣🤣. You can also add more to your list even the ones I didn’t state. I’m somewhat happy I got to write this so that whenever someone harrasses me with the “tell me about yourself” question, I’ll just pull up with this link🤣🤣🤣. God bless their aching souls they hate reading 🤣🤣🤣.
As usual, I’ll kill a roach to have your comments so please, indulge me. Tell me about you too and how connected we are in the comments section. 😄👇👇
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Rules are slippery, especially the ones we’ve set for ourselves. You hold so hard and because you’re not accountable to no one, it sometimes becomes like a cube of melting ice in your palm, the more you cling to it, the more you lose grip. When it comes to finding attraction, nursing it, and maybe turning it into love, we all have our preferences and barriers, but sometimes these urges treat us like Judas. I used to tell myself that no matter the amount of horniness my body exuded, the office space was definitely out of the question. But hell no, the office space hath no danger like my gasping libido.
So this very day I was at work and felt the pressing need to pee, I could not use the gents because I was outside the office building so I resolved to make use of a sharp corner outside (typical Nigerian man style). I was completely jolted from my pressure relief as I heard my boss called my name at a very close range. “Romeo! Romeo!” I never heard any footsteps prior to then, perhaps I was too carried away obeying the call of nature and enjoying the soothing relief.
Still letting out urine, I turned slightly to my left, and behold, my boss stood, lust, watching the size of my dick as it relieved itself. Her gaze made me shocked too that we both stood transfixed staring at each other in a synchronous surprising mood for a few seconds. To make matters worse, I could not bury my dick back into my brief as it all happened in the middle of the shower. She surprisingly stood and watched until the last drop. I jingled the bell and tucked my dick in while acting like it was nothing but an unplanned occurrence. I guess that awakened her consciousness as she breathed and whisked me off to point out a flaw in a work I did earlier. We both acted as nothing happened.
My boss is a very beautiful woman who is moderately tall and has a well-built body. We both have a very cordial relationship, we make jokes about almost anything and we both are sort of close. After that day, I could read from her mood around me that she was quite disturbed about the incident. Whatever she had in mind I could not tell but she sure wore a strange countenance. Also, days after the incident, she took an interest in addressing me as ‘big boy‘ and sometimes joked with me saying she is sure my girlfriends are lucky. Well, I didn’t overthink it as we were cordial before what happened and slightly used to have relationship conversations and other topics that transcend workplace stuff, but never did we cross the line of erotic thoughts for each other.
“Don’t your girls complain of your size?” huh!! I didn’t know the reaction to give on this fateful day when she threw the question from the blues. We had coincidentally closed late from work as I had to finish some jobs that day in her private office space. As expected, two idle minds trying to keep each other company in a silent space, we delved into a variety of topics, sex inclusive.
The question had my head rotating 360 but gosh! I couldn’t feign ignorance as the nature of our discussion had already laid a foundation for such. I shyly responded “No” without looking her in the eye and this made us both giggle at each other. She then opened up to me about how that incident messed up her day and still sometimes fucks with her head. That moment where someone lets you in on their secret and you gotta play cool so that they feel comfortable, I made her believe it was nothing. “Can I catch a little glimpse again?” Huh?! Did I hear correctly or my ears are messing with me? Did my boss just ask to see my dick?! Wow! I wasn’t sure how to react, putting two and two together wasn’t forthcoming. Should I unzip my trousers? Is this a fucking test? My dick was already giving some tensioning nods inside my briefs.
The farthest I’ve heard this kind of scene occurred is usually on pornhub (boss sucks and squeezes secretary’s titties after work🤭). Never thought a day like that would come where I’ll have my share of office romance. While she stared waiting for my next move, I found myself unhooking my belt, I then dropped my boxers, and showed her my dick. The tension in the room became too high, she stared at my dick like she wanted something more. Dumbfounded! my adrenaline was pumping high, I became fully erect.
“Wow”, she said, breaking the silence. “Care to touch some?” I responded. At this point she’s seen it all, so I didn’t care if my questions crossed the line. It felt like I could hear her heartbeat loud and clear, she came closer and reached for my dick. From little strokes to very fast ones, my dick got engulfed in a highly pitched massage. Just when I thought she still had a little shyness reserved, she gleefully went down on me with a blowjob. I won’t lie, she good. I saw her transform from the gentle boss I thought she was to a wilding just the way I like it. She demanded I gagged her with my dick pounding in her mouth which I obliged and after a while, I erupted in her mouth. Although she didn’t let me insert in her orifice, I had enough pussy juice to lap on and also tongued her soft rounded ass. What a day! This was the start of our office romance.
Subsequently, we developed the habit of working late hours just to have sex or meeting at secluded places to have quickies. I recollect pounding her on her table, giving her doggy not less than twice in her toilet, and of course, tending to her facesitting fetish which became our routine during foreplay. Anyone who has fetishes would understand the pleasure derived from it. We almost got caught and that was the end of our office sex. Although we still had it one more time after then, we did a whole lot outside the office thereafter.
Should You Have Office Romance?
I’ve seen a lot of folks vehemently rebuke the idea of dating or having a fling with someone in their workspace, department, church, etc. well I also was that way too. However in this case, my boss was actually a switch. She knew how to assume the role of a boss whenever people were around, you could even swear I was her least preferred staff. We also did not let the romance get into business. We were mature enough to separate the two into parallel lines that never met.
Office romance 90% of the time is inevitable, it’s the same way you see a random chic in your hood or church and fall in love or play dirty with. And like every relationship has some subliminal rules, one founded in the office should too. My advice to anyone who wants to try office romance is you have to be very discreet and mature enough to handle it.
I’ve read beautiful stories of co-workers falling in love and eventually getting married. Likewise, some stories ending in premium tears. In my case, a happy ever after wasn’t the goal though, I really enjoyed my time with her and made up my mind to not be pissed whenever it came to a halt. And yeah it ended, boss had to fly overseas to further her studies.
Have you ever had a fling or dated anyone in the same workspace with you? How did it turn out? And If you’re averse to having romantic affairs with your colleagues, I’ll like to know why. Also, why is it that office management frowns at love affairs in the workspace? I’m of the opinion that since it involves two adults who know how to effectively go about their daily activities, it shouldn’t be a big deal you know. What do you think? I’ll like to hear your experience and take too in the comment section😅👇.
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Hello Muttering Minds, I feel too broken at heart to say the least and I’m hoping you can share my story…
What is love really? What’s the essence of love if at the end of the day family still has to decide who you should love? What is love if we still have to abide by the rules our forefathers made a thousand years before we were born?
In 2016, I met this lovely dude, we kicked off as friends and so quickly started to share a special affection for each other. We fell in love without any friction and by mid-2017, we started dating. So much love to give, he’s cool, romantic, and sweetly annoying. Despite our silly fights and challenges, we always have ways of overcoming as a couple.
Dude knows how to tolerate my mood swings which could sometimes cross the border, but we cool. I don’t know if words do justice to how much I am in love with him but it is what it is. We’ve been through low blows, tear-jerking moments and for a fact, he makes me believe in the existence of true love that I cannot help but imagine spending the rest of my life with him. He’s a romantic.
At last year’s crossover (2020), I got to meet his family. Prior to the time, I usually felt nervous over the thought of “meeting the family” (I guess it’s normal). I always imagined most importantly if they’d like me, how to behave, you know these horror mother-in-law stories we hear. But his is different. The few days I spent with his family felt like I had known them for ages. The love was so genuine, it wasn’t one of those where you can smell pretense, No! I felt really welcomed. I could tell that love lives in his family.
Fast forward to meeting mine to discuss marriage… My man also had the same phobia, he decided seeing my mum first will be best as he believes she could talk on his behalf to my dad first. According to him, most fathers are usually not arms open at the first meeting, which I agreed to. Fortunately, he found favor in my mum’s eyes, she thought he was cool, so we decided to climb the step further to meet my dad.
My man visited home and got talking with my dad. I hail from the eastern part of Nigeria, I’m Igbo, and precisely from Imo state likewise my man. In my culture, when a man comes to seek a lady’s hand in marriage (popularly called ‘knocking on the door’), asking where he’s from, his origin, is a primary question.
My dad inquired about his roots, the name of his village, and stuff. As soon as he mentioned the name of his village, my dad’s facial expression became sour. “We do not marry from this place! We do not marry your people, it is an abomination!”, my dad said without remorse, adding that he would make further investigation again about my man’s village. It happens that my man is an Osu (outcast).
Osu Practice In Igbo Land
If you’re not Igbo (even some Igbo’s don’t know this), the Osu caste system is as old as the Igbo tradition. The origin dates back to the era where Igbo villages were ruled by the laws of the earth Odinani. The deity known as Ala had some rules that must be obeyed (just like a country has its constitution). Those who broke any of these rules or were found guilty of grave offenses were cast away from the land as it was believed their presence will bring ill fortune to the village. The offenders were regarded as Osu. Sometimes the Osu’s could be used as slaves or sold for slavery or enslaved in shrines to serve the deities ruling the land and also if the community needed a human’s blood sacrifice for cleansing or during festivals, the Osu’s were used. Osu’s were also deprived of homes and made to sleep in shrines or marketplaces.
The Osu’s were not allowed to have social interactions let alone marriage with the freeborns (non-offenders) as they are considered as bad luck. It is fondly said that whenever a freeborn marries an Osu, his/her life turns around for the worst. In modern times, some Igbo traditional rulers like the Obi of Onitsha in October 2018, made a move to ensure the Osu caste system is abolished. Also, some traditional leaders in Oguta Local Government filed a motion to end the madness, urging that people do not deserve to face the wrath that comes with the sins of their age-long ancestors. I also read somewhere that Nnamdi Azikwe while he was alive moved a motion for the abolishment in 1956 in the Eastern Nigerian House of Assembly but it was a fruitless motion.
So far, some parts of Igbo land claim it’s no longer practiced but a greater number still hold it highly even though modernization has quenched the loudness surrounding it.
Imagine one person in your lineage committed a crime as far back as a thousand years ago and you still suffer the punishment/ discrimination in this 21st century. I’m broken, I’m confused, and I feel too hurt. My dad has refused to give ears to whatever concerns marriage to my man despite my man saying his family is not one.
I feel depressed, betrayed, frustrated, and for the most of it, unloved by my family. My mother who described my man as cool no longer sees him as such, my three sisters except one have also turned their backs against me. They keep fuelling the fire urging that I must end the relationship with my man otherwise I will bring curses upon our family. I never imagined I was going to face something this grave. My man doesn’t mind going all out to ensure we get married. His family is also very welcoming and wants me but not without my father’s blessings.
What should I do? Should I follow love and face the consequences of being disowned forever by my family? Or follow family and lose love? I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love my man, I cannot process the thought of letting go and starting all over. Imagine a whole four years down the drain, It’s suicidal, I find it hard to process.
I need help. If you’re reading this and have ever been at crossroads in deciding if to choose love or family (on the grounds of religion or culture), I need your advice. Maybe you’re an Osu too or you got married to one, please talk to me. Did anything bad happen to you? I need help, I can’t make this decision on my own. Do family blessings matter in a marriage? Is a father’s blessing important or overrated when it comes to marriage? If you were in my shoes, what would you do? I’ll appreciate your sincere comments. 👇👇
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