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A Guilt to Live With? My Abortion Story…

Writer- Anonymous
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8 min read

If you lose your voice at a pharmacy while requesting to purchase a condom or contraceptive because of how embarrassing you think it is, now imagine trying to purchase a pregnancy kit and thereafter requesting an abortion. It’s a blend of too many ugly emotions; you automatically feel you’re a walking disgrace especially knowing you are unmarried. And not excluding the unfriendliness of the medical practitioners in this part of the world who rather than carry out their job decides to play the role of a moral watchdog to your conscience.

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The thought of abortion, talk more of carrying out the act, has since time past raised a lot of eyebrows and this makes me even more aware that my story will also trigger your brows up too (but I hope you don’t judge me, at least not too much).

abortion
Source- Light House

A new month was close to being over and I hadn’t seen my period. I was sexually active but since I’ve been careful for as long as I recall, I refused to accommodate any cause for alarm. But it started to feel like the month was watching me feel all relaxed, so it started to speed off. I became scared, I tried to recall my sexual escapades…” But I used a condom or didn’t I?”. Oh God! I fondly exclaimed anytime the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind. I began to beg God that if he takes the imagined pregnancy away, I’ll never have sex again in my life. The paranoia I felt praying for my period was intense. I begged God that even if it came with so many cramps, I wouldn’t mind, gosh! Anything to see my period at that time.

After a fruitless wait for my period, some weird symptoms became very noticeable in my body. I shoved it away and tagged it as my mind playing tricks but deep down I knew there was something wrong. I got into another phase of contemplating the shame and rehearsing how to walk into a pharmacy with a stone-cold face and purchase a pregnancy test kit so I’ll know the way forward.

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Early Symptoms of Pregnancy abortion

I had been having sex with my ex, I know right! I bet your eyebrows just raised a bar. But it’s been hard to let go and to cut the story short, it’s very COMPLICATED. I let him in on how I had been feeling for a few weeks and the clown was happy. He wanted me to keep the baby if I confirmed it and agreed to make us official.

                                                                 

Finding Out and Contemplating an Abortion…

My greatest nightmare came true, I was pregnant. The stripe test read positive ooo and tell you what, it was the fifth one, I was so in denial that I kept purchasing different brands of test kits until I finally accepted the truth.

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The smile, the rage, and fear I had swirling around inside me. I was legit laughing, crying, and shaking. Apart from being mentally and financially unfit to mother a child, MY MUM!!!! She’ll kill me. The news of a coming child is good but the circumstances surrounding it can make it bad. Getting pregnant out of wedlock too wasn’t part of the plan.

Abortion pregnancy scare

Breaking the news to my ex that I was three weeks gone, he was happy but I wasn’t having it. “I’m not keeping the baby, I need funds to have an abortion”, I said to him crying. He got so pissed, sad, and was for a while speechless. He’s rich, hardworking, and handsome and the ideal man most ladies dream to have in their lives, so fending for a baby wasn’t his problem. But I cannot! A child in my life right now will ruin and halt too many things that involve climbing my career ladder. Again I have this phobia for marriage (a close example is that of my parents), it will be terrible enough to get into it for the sake of a child, and no way in God’s name will I take on the title of a baby mama either.donate a penny abortion

Despite trying to persuade me and refusing to send me the money, my mind was still bent on an abortion. Hello!! It might be your baby I’m carrying but it’s my body we’re talking about here, I can’t keep this child. After more back and forth, he sent the money but refused to follow me to the hospital.

abortion
Source- Pulse Nigeria

My Search Journey for a Coded Ultimate Solution…

Talking about abortion like I mentioned earlier is taboo, so I became very careful about who to talk to. I asked very few friends who had at one point or the other in prior conversations made mention of knowing someone who knows someone that has used certain drugs or had done a D & C abortion surgery.

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I finally got a name of a particular drug to purchase but all the pharmacies I visited in my neighborhood succeeded in making me look foolish. It was either no response or an unclear one accompanied by a judgmental stare. I got tired and began to read up on pills on Google and this even made me weaker. It mostly hinged on the complications especially in cases of having leftovers. Also reading that aborting via drugs was a slow process and I needed to have someone by my side for the first three days became discouraging. I needed to get rid of it once and for all.As Abortion Restrictions

I left home to avoid any suspicion from my mum to a friend’s place who I eventually opened up to. I really thank God I did cause asides that she was so caring, she happened to have a link to a doctor who knew about D & C operation. I spoke to the doctor over the phone and after a series of confidential questions, he scheduled an appointment.

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During the appointment, a scan was recommended so as to know the location of the fetus. The scan detected a thick form developing already but the lab attendant advised that I waited till after 2 weeks before they could see anything. “TWO WEEKS!!” I laughed quite dangerously, it’s like he missed the memo, he thought it was a blissful phase for me. Hell no! I took the scan result to the doctor immediately who advised me to run a blood test to be sure, well it still came out positive.

pregnancy blood test abortion

“Miss ******, you’re pregnant, what do you want to do now?”, lol, these people must think I came here for laughs. That was quite some humor though, the doctor got some sarcasm. “You don’t want to keep it, why now? didn’t you know when you were enjoying yourself?” oooh! Now he’s beginning to act as my assistant conscience. I thought we already discussed this? Long story short, after proper checks and documentation, and advice that I get an IUD afterward, we proceeded for the abortion which was successful but not without terrible pains.

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 About the IUD… it’s a form of family planning. A copper IUD was inserted into my uterus. It’s a small t-shaped coil with a rope that was cut a little but I can still feel it whenever I insert my finger in my vagina. I’m grateful the doctor introduced that to me actually because these days you really cannot put all your trust in condoms. He also noted the IUD cannot prevent infection.

The coil (IUD) abortion
IUD Coil (Image source Net Doctor)

 

The Disturbing Images and Guilt After…

When I mentioned ‘not without terrible pains’, it’s no joke. I had never felt so much pain before in my life. The pain became a pain even in my memory. For a long time, I couldn’t get over the images of him sticking a device into my vagina to suck out the pregnancy blood. Gosh! I screamed in tears, I wish I was given anesthesia because the pain was terrible. I for one resolved it was the punishment I had to bear. He kept sticking this big device in, pumping and pumping while all I could do was scream repeatedly.

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My memory wouldn’t let go of the result of all he pumped out. He presented it to me before disposing of it like he knew it would hunt me later. For a while, my mind kept playing tricks that there was a half-formed baby inside the pool of blood. Lowkey, I was depressed.

Depression after abortion

I had no doubt about wanting an abortion; I felt it was my best choice. But however afterward, the guilt hits. I felt too much guilt, especially the day I went to church and my pastor made a call on women seeking the fruit of the womb. The numbers had me cringing; “see people looking for kids and I took my own away”, the guilt slapped so hard. Thanks to my friend who talked me out of it, according to him the devil is trying to mess with my mind and I mustn’t give in.

donate a penny abortion

But should abortion be tagged as a sin? I couldn’t fend for a child, so I had to get rid of it. I felt so messed up recalling all the anti-abortion Christian talks and morals from elders. But wouldn’t it have been crueler for me to birth a baby and be negligent towards its need? More than guilt, I feel more relief knowing I’m not pregnant (yet). If you ask me, I’ll say that abortion should be legal in every country and more open for discussion rather than in secrecy. Although legalizing it might welcome more promiscuity, but I’m certain it will help reduce the population of starving kids as well as incompetent parents.

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abortion muttering minds

To the ladies reading my story, have you ever had an abortion? Did you suffer from guilt afterward?  What were your coping mechanisms? Also, what will do if you wanted an abortion and the father of the baby refuses? To the men, have you ever been at crossroads in getting your lady to have an abortion or not? Generally, I’ll love to know your sincere take on abortion. Thank you Muttering Minds for allowing me to share a part of my maybe ‘ugly’ past (depends on your view). Please I’ll appreciate your comments and maybe advice👇👇.

 

 

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muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago

Hi Mutterers😄😄… This is quite a sensitive story and it’ll be great to pick your brains on it. The writer has chosen to be anonymous and not sure if she’ll be attending to comments directly (still doing some convincing 😋).  However, it’ll be awesome to get your take on this. Below is our official flier, be kind to share across your social media. Thank you

And yeah!!! You’ll find me tending to every of your comments as usual😁❤

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Salty
Salty
1 month ago

Hmmmmm I am not ashamed to say that if I were in your shoes, I will have an abortion too. 

I’ve been asked by my friends what I will do if I got pregnant out of wedlock, without much thought, I always say Abortion. In my case, it’s the disgrace that comes, my parents will kill me. I think unkind parenting is what makes girls like me opt for an abortion without hesitation. I have not had an abortion b4 tho.😒

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Salty

Unkind parenting really. Parents not wanting to even imagine their kids talk about sex talk more of having sex. Still the same parents who never give sex education. #sigh🤧

Salty
Salty
1 month ago

It’s sad

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Salty

Ikr!!! But even with the “tough parenting” that I’ve seen i still believe if it happens and they find out especially maybe when the lady is mature, the guy is well to do and ready… trust me your parents would let you… they’re strong head would calm down

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago
Reply to  Salty

Just imagine and later you people wonder why God won’t bless you with kids when you are married😑

Sugar
Sugar
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

You can’t judge someone for not wanting to bring a child into this world and let them suffer. There’s too much cruelty in the world already.
Mind you, my aunt has been married for 18years now without a child, not even a miscarriage and fertility tests proves that she’s fine yet her husband said he married her as a virgin. So quit judging

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Sugar

EXACTLY!!! There is no logic to these things. I pray your aunty is blessed with the fruit of the womb soon. Amen❤

Also thank you for dropping by Sugar💋

Becky O.
Becky O.
1 month ago

You have your reason for not keeping the baby even though he wanted it. The day I find out abortion is not legalised even in most developed countries it was surprising. I always thought only the bible is against it.

Growing up abortion sermon was always scary too so I understand your feeling of guilt. Shake it off sis, most people will judge you but bear in mind they won’t be there to help you take care of the child. In most cases like I’ve heard, the father might even change.

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Becky O.

😅😅 you made me recall my aunty then who was a very devoted Christian (don’t wanna disclose the church). She got pregnant out of wedlock and along the line found christ.

Growing up, she’ll preach against sex and abortion in a very scary manner lol. I was always scared ehn🙈

And just maybe the father might change, just maybe…but he gave his word so… Thank you Becky ❤

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Becky O.

Had some thoughts like this “the father switching up on me” kinda attitude. I mean it’s cos of the baby he wanted to get married right so it may get frustrating at some point for us cos we rushed into it. But thanks I appreciate

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

❤❤

St3ph
St3ph
1 month ago

Hmmm interesting one… I’m short of words really 👩🏻‍🦯👩🏻‍🦯👩🏻‍🦯👩🏻‍🦯

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  St3ph

🤒🤒

Toun
Toun
1 month ago

I relate to your story although different circumstances. I’ve had two abortions, one happened when I was a fresher in school, I got into school with the mentality that I was already an adult, I wasn’t in a relationship but had 3 guys i was sexing. Along the line, i got pregnant and didn’t know who it was for. I kept it a secret from them because within me I knew they didn’t want me for keeps do I aborted the baby. After school it happened again during NYSC orientation. Sometimes I feel too dirty, but I know there’s nothing… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Toun

Awwww thank you Toun❤. Hopefully Anon can draw strength from your story. I look forward to seeing more of you here too.

Toun
Toun
1 month ago

Thank you. I am still going over other stories on the blog. Looks great

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Toun

😅😅😅 I appreciate you

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Toun

Ohhh wow!! I thought i felt too dirty!! But wooooo!! You’re strong😖😖 cos the pain creepy and painful. You probably wanna do that IUD i did too, i mean it has its cramps for few months but its safe safe.. thanks for sharing boo 😘

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago
Reply to  Toun

Smh😑

Pretty Anon
Pretty Anon
1 month ago

Dear anonymous writer, this is an amazing story. Thank you for sharing.
If I were in your shoes, no matter how much the father of the baby wanted to keep it, I don’t think I would. I think it’s more cruel to raise child you’re not ready for than to get rid of one.
I’ve never done an abortion before and I hope to never do, but if I need to, I will. I’d rather deal with the guilt than raising a child in a loveless environment

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Pretty Anon

Except you are ready, most especially mentally too 🤗

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Pretty Anon

My point.. I’m glad y’all understand 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙂… some good relief for me… Ain’t no way I’m having a kid in a loveless environment, i wanna do better for my kids, besides I’m too much of a career freak for now

Bubu
Bubu
1 month ago

I’m sending the writer virtual hugs and kisses 🤗, you’ll be fine, time will heal your wounds. I’m glad you decided to install the IUD, at least it shows how smart you are. Being in this kinda situation can be very tricky, and I’m glad she was able to pull through finally. I can’t begin to imagine the dirty looks she got from these so-called pharmacist, I can remember an encounter where I went to purchase a post pill and the nonsense person over the counter was looking at me with disdain, me I don’t waste time to change it… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Bubu

🤣🤣🤣🤣 you are hilarious. Popping babies out as per fowl? 😅😅

Yeah buying post pills in bulk is a really good idea especially because you don’t want to become a regular customer over the counter. Thank you for this❤

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Bubu

You’re a vibe… thanks b… I really thought of keeping but i mean I’m still finding myself, so ama chill first… if i was “there” I don’t mind keeping without him… but I really want a good relationship with my hubby mehn!! Thanks

Anon
Anon
1 month ago

It’s a bitter experience I can say. I know how it feels really. The event will usually come to your head and all. 😕

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

😪😪

Anon
Anon
1 month ago

I think abortion should be legalised. We should be able to choose what’s best for us. On the other hand, parents need to do better in terms of the sex talks, buy the daily pills for your girls as soon as they clock 16 as you would buy condoms for your boys! Sex is beautiful, and being active is not a sin, its only natural. I have series of abortion stories, my first ever sex resulted in pregnancy, I was 17, naive and scared. But my boyfriend then was super kind but as stupid as me, for allowing it happen… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

Wow, you opened up so beautifully. Thank you so much. I got to find out about Women on the Web while editing this story, because some backlinks directed me there. Your comment will make me pay keen attention to them going forward❤.

I have no doubt you are a good mum, thank you again and I hope to see more of you here ❤

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

Awwwn!! This is alot to take in but thank you… and i hope you feel better babe… it’s the “my mom thinks im a virgin part” I don’t know what’s up with discussing sex, although my mom talked about it earlier to us but the awkward thing mentioning sex and with the advice you already know mot to fuck up and say it to ur parents…on the other hand the IUD placed in the arm actually makes one adds weight which the doctor told me about and I definitely didn’t wanna do hence the corper IUD… its safe too but… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

❤❤

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago

ABORTION IS A SIN PERIOD!!! I’m shocked at the comments here. I dont care how you all put it, if you are not ready to have kids then dont have sex. Even in the bible, sex is for procreating not pleasure😶

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

Hmmmm all I can say is, to each man his own believe. ❤❤

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago

Exactly ABORTION IS A SIN!!!!!!!! that’s my own

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

No one is disputing your ‘own’ darling ❤

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

Uhhhhhm!! I wish i could educate or enlighten more and well enough, but i hope you’re not one of those people that believe and must stick to the “hebrew women” giving birth even if you or your wife needs CS because that’ll be “had i known” i mean it’s the similarity you know, God protects and forgives and let the individual and God have the communication to do yh. So back to my point, twas a necessity for me because same Bible calls a man/woman who can’t provide an “infidel” likens him to one. Would you rather suffer a kid?… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

Hmmmmmmm 😶

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago
Reply to  Anon

Still doesn’t change the fact that ABORTION IS A SIN

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

👩‍🦯👩‍🦯👩‍🦯

Dee
Dee
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

I disagree with sex is for procreating alone. Are u saying you will have with your spouse only when you want to make baby? Come of that! Sex for both pleasure and and procrastination

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Dee

I can only imagine what happens when they are done bearing kids 😂😂😂. That’s the end of sex right 😂😂😂😂. And then even before that, I’m sure they will have a time table for sex 😂😂😂😂

PAIN
PAIN
1 month ago

I could address this post with greater clarity, thoughtfulness, nuance and lucidity of mind, but I’m not going to bother doing that, I’ll shut up. I’m not about to talk about the morality or the ethicality behind abortion, there are a lot of grey areas that one cannot objectively take a stand on its right or wrong. The argument about abortion has being framed to trigger our already existing biases, so whichever side anyone’s inclination is tilted, I want to believe they’ve got their reasons and it’s a valid one. However, I can’t help but sense you wrote this here,… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  PAIN

Hmmmm!!! Deep sigh really! I’m almost speechless too as I had to digest every word of your comment with due attention. You make very valid points. What we can do is to say how we feel concerning abortion, at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants, it will still brood until it’s had enough.

And about your questions which I reckon they are very valid too but I’ll plead the fifth (for some reason) on that and let Anon answer you herself. Thank you ❤

IDGAF
IDGAF
1 month ago
Reply to  PAIN

Too much sense. Let me see if they can answer this one.

PAIN
PAIN
1 month ago
Reply to  IDGAF

From your comment, I can infer that you hold a very dissenting view about abortion.
Are these objections of ethical or religious underpinning?

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  PAIN

Hmm!! By all means thank you for this, but if you can handle the child bearing please go ahead.
I feel really really good and in no way dampened at all. I’m good now thanks. I really wanna go beyond and beyond to answer you but like they say “resist the shalaye urge” thank you dear.

Nuel
Nuel
1 month ago
Reply to  PAIN

I’ve never before engaged any of the articles on this platform until now. @pain; Well said I share your views and find your comments and questions thought provoking, and strongly recommend them for everyone who would consider getting sexually active any time soon. I’m male obviously and perhaps would be considered unqualified to have an opinion as valid as that of the female folk whose bodies bear the after effects or evidence of a “fruitful” sexual encounter, but these are just my views about this very touchy subject. I pray for clarity for those who are still not sure what… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Nuel

😅😅😅 well said Nuel. I totally agree with you especially concerning one indulging in what brings them peace of mind alone. Thank you. I hope this opens the door for more feedbacks from you here. I look forward already 😅

King
King
1 month ago

Well, abortion is a sin just like sex out of marriage and stealing are sins, but there is a provision for the forgiveness of our sins in Christ Jesus, we just don’t have to encourage it. However, things happen under the heaven, you just don’t have to live with guilt, it is totally unnecessary. The reality is more than 70% of ladies will go for abortion if they are in your shoes, the reason is not because abortion is right or they really want to do it, the reality is that, time is not always right for pregnancy out of… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  King

Very well said King. Thank you, I appreciate your comment especially your third to the last paragraph ❤❤

Nkechi
Nkechi
1 month ago

I like your strength and how you made your choice clear,many women make the decision of whether to keep a child or not solely on what the man has to say,I’m a big fan of “it’s my baby as much as yours…….maybe even more mine”. I can understand the frustration,I mean none of the choices you had were exactly palatable 💔 Personally if in your shoes I think I would keep mine for reasons best known to me but that’s not in the slightest bit said to spite you or anyone who’s been where you are,I just have my reasons.… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Nkechi

😅😅😅 this is so warming Nkechi, thank you. I trust Anon is taking notes❤❤

Anon
Anon
1 month ago
Reply to  Nkechi

Thank you 🙏🏼… Much appreciated and warmly

Anno
Anno
1 month ago

This is so lovely I felt a bit of relief since I had this abortion like 3years ago the guilt have not let me rest I think about it every time, at times it gives me a sleepless night I try to keep it off my mind but it’s not easy I felt as if have done a bad thing but it wasn’t my fault I just wasn’t ready for it and the owner was not helping at all he kept asking me how could I make that kind of mistake so the only option I had then was to… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Anno

😅😅😅 I’m glad you found solace in this. You’ll get even much better eventually. ❤❤

Bee
Bee
1 month ago

Thanks for sharing your story so beautifully. I agree that no child should be brought into a loveless environment where their basic needs may not be met.

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Bee

😅😅😅 thanks for reading

Ebuka
Ebuka
30 days ago

This story raised a lot of questions.

It also brings peace to many, and may this peace last forever.

muttering minds
Admin
30 days ago
Reply to  Ebuka

Amen 😄😄

Nomusa
Nomusa
21 days ago

the guilt hits you because it is what society says about abortion. your body, your life, and you decide what is right for You.

muttering minds
Admin
21 days ago
Reply to  Nomusa

Thank you!!!

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