If you lose your voice at a pharmacy while requesting to purchase a condom or contraceptive because of how embarrassing you think it is, now imagine trying to purchase a pregnancy kit and thereafter requesting an abortion. It’s a blend of too many ugly emotions; you automatically feel you’re a walking disgrace especially knowing you are unmarried. And not excluding the unfriendliness of the medical practitioners in this part of the world who rather than carry out their job decides to play the role of a moral watchdog to your conscience.
The thought of abortion, talk more of carrying out the act, has since time past raised a lot of eyebrows and this makes me even more aware that my story will also trigger your brows up too (but I hope you don’t judge me, at least not too much).
A new month was close to being over and I hadn’t seen my period. I was sexually active but since I’ve been careful for as long as I recall, I refused to accommodate any cause for alarm. But it started to feel like the month was watching me feel all relaxed, so it started to speed off. I became scared, I tried to recall my sexual escapades…” But I used a condom or didn’t I?”. Oh God! I fondly exclaimed anytime the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind. I began to beg God that if he takes the imagined pregnancy away, I’ll never have sex again in my life. The paranoia I felt praying for my period was intense. I begged God that even if it came with so many cramps, I wouldn’t mind, gosh! Anything to see my period at that time.
After a fruitless wait for my period, some weird symptoms became very noticeable in my body. I shoved it away and tagged it as my mind playing tricks but deep down I knew there was something wrong. I got into another phase of contemplating the shame and rehearsing how to walk into a pharmacy with a stone-cold face and purchase a pregnancy test kit so I’ll know the way forward.
I had been having sex with my ex, I know right! I bet your eyebrows just raised a bar. But it’s been hard to let go and to cut the story short, it’s very COMPLICATED. I let him in on how I had been feeling for a few weeks and the clown was happy. He wanted me to keep the baby if I confirmed it and agreed to make us official.
Finding Out and Contemplating an Abortion…
My greatest nightmare came true, I was pregnant. The stripe test read positive ooo and tell you what, it was the fifth one, I was so in denial that I kept purchasing different brands of test kits until I finally accepted the truth.
The smile, the rage, and fear I had swirling around inside me. I was legit laughing, crying, and shaking. Apart from being mentally and financially unfit to mother a child, MY MUM!!!! She’ll kill me. The news of a coming child is good but the circumstances surrounding it can make it bad. Getting pregnant out of wedlock too wasn’t part of the plan.
Breaking the news to my ex that I was three weeks gone, he was happy but I wasn’t having it. “I’m not keeping the baby, I need funds to have an abortion”, I said to him crying. He got so pissed, sad, and was for a while speechless. He’s rich, hardworking, and handsome and the ideal man most ladies dream to have in their lives, so fending for a baby wasn’t his problem. But I cannot! A child in my life right now will ruin and halt too many things that involve climbing my career ladder. Again I have this phobia for marriage (a close example is that of my parents), it will be terrible enough to get into it for the sake of a child, and no way in God’s name will I take on the title of a baby mama either.
Despite trying to persuade me and refusing to send me the money, my mind was still bent on an abortion. Hello!! It might be your baby I’m carrying but it’s my body we’re talking about here, I can’t keep this child. After more back and forth, he sent the money but refused to follow me to the hospital.
My Search Journey for a Coded Ultimate Solution…
Talking about abortion like I mentioned earlier is taboo, so I became very careful about who to talk to. I asked very few friends who had at one point or the other in prior conversations made mention of knowing someone who knows someone that has used certain drugs or had done a D & C abortion surgery.
I finally got a name of a particular drug to purchase but all the pharmacies I visited in my neighborhood succeeded in making me look foolish. It was either no response or an unclear one accompanied by a judgmental stare. I got tired and began to read up on pills on Google and this even made me weaker. It mostly hinged on the complications especially in cases of having leftovers. Also reading that aborting via drugs was a slow process and I needed to have someone by my side for the first three days became discouraging. I needed to get rid of it once and for all.
I left home to avoid any suspicion from my mum to a friend’s place who I eventually opened up to. I really thank God I did cause asides that she was so caring, she happened to have a link to a doctor who knew about D & C operation. I spoke to the doctor over the phone and after a series of confidential questions, he scheduled an appointment.
During the appointment, a scan was recommended so as to know the location of the fetus. The scan detected a thick form developing already but the lab attendant advised that I waited till after 2 weeks before they could see anything. “TWO WEEKS!!” I laughed quite dangerously, it’s like he missed the memo, he thought it was a blissful phase for me. Hell no! I took the scan result to the doctor immediately who advised me to run a blood test to be sure, well it still came out positive.
“Miss ******, you’re pregnant, what do you want to do now?”, lol, these people must think I came here for laughs. That was quite some humor though, the doctor got some sarcasm. “You don’t want to keep it, why now? didn’t you know when you were enjoying yourself?” oooh! Now he’s beginning to act as my assistant conscience. I thought we already discussed this? Long story short, after proper checks and documentation, and advice that I get an IUD afterward, we proceeded for the abortion which was successful but not without terrible pains.
About the IUD… it’s a form of family planning. A copper IUD was inserted into my uterus. It’s a small t-shaped coil with a rope that was cut a little but I can still feel it whenever I insert my finger in my vagina. I’m grateful the doctor introduced that to me actually because these days you really cannot put all your trust in condoms. He also noted the IUD cannot prevent infection.
The Disturbing Images and Guilt After…
When I mentioned ‘not without terrible pains’, it’s no joke. I had never felt so much pain before in my life. The pain became a pain even in my memory. For a long time, I couldn’t get over the images of him sticking a device into my vagina to suck out the pregnancy blood. Gosh! I screamed in tears, I wish I was given anesthesia because the pain was terrible. I for one resolved it was the punishment I had to bear. He kept sticking this big device in, pumping and pumping while all I could do was scream repeatedly.
My memory wouldn’t let go of the result of all he pumped out. He presented it to me before disposing of it like he knew it would hunt me later. For a while, my mind kept playing tricks that there was a half-formed baby inside the pool of blood. Lowkey, I was depressed.
I had no doubt about wanting an abortion; I felt it was my best choice. But however afterward, the guilt hits. I felt too much guilt, especially the day I went to church and my pastor made a call on women seeking the fruit of the womb. The numbers had me cringing; “see people looking for kids and I took my own away”, the guilt slapped so hard. Thanks to my friend who talked me out of it, according to him the devil is trying to mess with my mind and I mustn’t give in.
But should abortion be tagged as a sin? I couldn’t fend for a child, so I had to get rid of it. I felt so messed up recalling all the anti-abortion Christian talks and morals from elders. But wouldn’t it have been crueler for me to birth a baby and be negligent towards its need? More than guilt, I feel more relief knowing I’m not pregnant (yet). If you ask me, I’ll say that abortion should be legal in every country and more open for discussion rather than in secrecy. Although legalizing it might welcome more promiscuity, but I’m certain it will help reduce the population of starving kids as well as incompetent parents.
To the ladies reading my story, have you ever had an abortion? Did you suffer from guilt afterward? What were your coping mechanisms? Also, what will do if you wanted an abortion and the father of the baby refuses? To the men, have you ever been at crossroads in getting your lady to have an abortion or not? Generally, I’ll love to know your sincere take on abortion. Thank you Muttering Minds for allowing me to share a part of my maybe ‘ugly’ past (depends on your view). Please I’ll appreciate your comments and maybe advice👇👇.
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