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6 min read

One would think that having a ‘friend with benefits’ aka ‘situationship’ is as easy as reciting ABC, free as a bird you say yeah? No commitments, getting laid by any tom, dick, and Jessica…without having to explain yourself to your situationship partner right? Well, that’s a social media orientation, don’t be like me fam because such wokeness has landed me on a very slippery street. Sometimes I try to stand fam, but baby girl ends us giving a humpty dumpty show😭. 

Fam I’m in a full-blown situationship and to say the least, it’s not what I expected. So yeah, we are not in a relationship or exclusive but then we do stuff like a couple, plan birthdays, dates, sex…but hollop! There are no commitments. Nobody told me it always ends up being messy, in my head I felt I can take a bow when I’m no longer feeling this or when I find someone I can bear it all to, but I was wrong fam …let’s go

REVEALED! The Difference Between A Relationship And A Situationship

CALL HIM BABY

I met baby a few months after a horrible break up which was my fault & I’m still in love with my ex who is happily married. Sadly I have adjusted to stalking him on all SM platforms to be sure wifey is taking good care of him. Back to Baby. Baby is an amazing guy, he found me during the lockdown and went all out for me with attention, care, love, and all that comes with a relationship but I made it clear that I won’t date him for reasons best known to me. To be honest, I knew I wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship cause I had a lot of baggage, exes, undefined relationships here and there with both genders and I wasn’t ready to add somebody’s son to it but he chose to stay and it’s being one bumpy ride.

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50% of the time it’s amazing and the rest of the 50% is war. It becomes too toxic for comfort. On toxicity yeah, whenever we have a fight or misunderstanding of any sort, Baby sees that as an avenue to abuse me verbally, he says all manner of hurtful words to me regardless of how I feel. He’s aggressive, insecure, and overly domineering. 40% of the fights we’ve had have always been about me refusing to say stuff about my past and small lies here and there (he hates lies). Baby wants to know everything about me, but I always share what I deem necessary and keep the rest of my exes and all sorts to myself. I don’t like to divulge into personal issues but he wants me to bear it all.

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But guess who has a smart mouth and won’t let him get away with it? You guessed right. I always use the opportunity to let him know we’re not in a relationship and that always hurts his feelings cause he feels so strongly for me.

what are we question

BUT ARE WE REALLY NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP?

You see, that’s the thing, I’m confused. Every scene plays out like couples fronting but shying away from a tag. After every fight, I’ll call it quits and he would come begging or he would, while I go begging. At the initial stage, I thought I had it figured out but right now, I must be honest, I can’t go a day without talking to him. I feel so at peace with him, he’s the first person I want to share good or bad news with. Not to sound cliché the thought of him at any time (fight/no fight) gives me butterflies.

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Something tells me he’s figured out I’ve developed feelings for him. You know, no matter how hard you try you can’t hide love. I show it sometimes and do certain stuff that only love can make me do & when I get back to my senses, I start picking fights with him over unnecessary things.

how to avoid situationships

Not once, not twice, I’ve been tempted to tell him how I really feel but I didn’t, knowing that I’m still a mess and wouldn’t want a complicated relationship. You know when stuff like this gets defined yeah? There’s this sense of accountability that creeps, you would want to be intentional about your partner and stuff. We are not dating yet, and he never fails to be vocal about how he wants more every opportunity he gets, now imagine if we put a tag on it. Sometimes I tell myself I’m overthinking this relationship thingy, and that I should just accept his damn proposal and see how things play out but my guts fail me. 

Maybe why I haven’t accepted is because we are two different people. We enjoy each other’s company and good sex too, but you know that moment where you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot have someone forever because there are certain things they do or traits they possess you cannot live with. Baby is an amazing guy really, asides from him being aggressive, possessive and sometimes exhibiting misogynistic behavior I don’t quite get. These are red flags for me. In every situation, I like to think about the positive and negative, whichever outweighs the other is what I go for regardless of how I feel. I am scared that I may push Baby to the wall one day and he will beat the hell out of me or worse. So that’s why I always decline his proposal, although he still has hope that I will say yes to him one day.

Read: Stop the Deceit! Whoever You’re Dating Owes You

situationship red flags

 

THE UNFAIR SIDE

We had a fight recently and it was hard without him. I missed him so much for someone who I claim is not my man. But I think I felt more hurt, depressed, and disappointed because I brought this upon myself. We’ve been down this road for seven months, I should have walked away a long time ago, maybe at our first fight. But right now, I feel trapped in my feelings for him. This has been the most amazing and draining situationship ever fam.

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I want out but then I will miss baby so much. He practically knows everything about me, like we talk all the time. If we had met at a different time, he may have stood a chance. I’ve hinted him of wanting to let go of whatever it is that we share but he’s not having it. I am not having it either but this has to end yeah??? Do you get??? I used to think that having a friend with benefits or being in a so-called situationship would save me from all the stress that comes with a relationship but that’s a big fat lie. Situationships also puts your life on hold, with Baby it is disrespectful seeing other people, I always feel like I am cheating on him but we aren’t an item for fuck’s sake! I have dismissed other potential romantic partners cause I don’t want to disrespect Baby and also preserve what we have. But right now, I can’t have him and it’s so hard to have to walk away too. I feel stuck Mutterers, I need your advice. If you’ve ever been or still are in a situationship, I’ll like to know how it ended for you, or perhaps how it’s going. 

 

 

9 min read

I always say I’m a different kind of lesbian considering my background. I never went to a boarding school, or so to say, ‘an only girls’ boarding school as that’s one of the backboned reasons people attribute as the cause of being a lesbian. Also, I grew up in a catholic home with a single mother who did all she could to make sure we weren’t exposed to sexual stuff and immoralities to the best of her abilities so if there was anyone who should not be sexually aware it would be me.

The purpose of sharing this is to tell you all about my lesbian marriage, but I reckon a bit of a back story would give you a clearer picture of my personhood.

catholic lesbian

RUNNING

I was molested as a child, should that have been a tangible reason to want to spend the rest of my life with a lady? Hello No.

I was prepared early for marriage and had my first marriage proposal at thirteen to the delight of my mother who believes if a girl marries early it means she was raised well and that she would make an ideal wife. I didn’t give any of her suitor recommendations a chance though, rather  I lived most of my adult life running away from home to avoid marriage proposals and my mother’s 2 am conversations. Has it been easy being on the run? Hell no!!

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I remember clearly the first time I had a crush on a girl, I was in primary three and she was a new pupil. I remember her well each time I prick my memory and several other crushes I had while growing up. All the while I didn’t think there were people anywhere in the world like me.

abusive lesbian relationship in Nigeria

My first relationship (If I should call it that) was with an older married woman and I think that set me on the wrong track of taking love from whichever angle it was thrown at me. I was a child, about 16-years-old and we had met in a church group. I had a mad crush on her and my friend ended up ratting me out to her. I was mostly grateful she even looked my way because she was hot and way older than me so I was totally out of her league. I allowed her to treat me however she deemed fit, called only when she wanted to talk and saw me when she was in the mood. Everything happened only at her timing and that spilled off to my ensuing relationships. I just allowed people to treat me however they liked, even if I knew how I should be treated, I just didn’t protest for fear of losing them. But I’ve grown past that and learned to demand things exactly as I want them. I started off on the wrong foot but am grateful for the lessons and growth.

MY LESBIAN MARRIAGE

Even though the option was never made available for me as a child, I always knew that if I wanted a happy life then I’d have to marry a girl. Probably a white girl because I was going to do whatever it’ll take to escape Nigeria and migrate abroad so I could live life the way I wanted. But life had a different plan for me and I always imagine God looking down at me and smiling, knowing it won’t happen as chronologically as I had planned it to.

planning a queer marriage in Nigeria

Before I met my wife I was sure of the life I wanted and how I wanted it. I wanted someone I can build a life with, someone who does not care about proving anything to anyone, and I stuck with my guts. I didn’t care how long I was going to be single because I was now on social media and now I could see people doing it and I knew it was what I wanted and I was going to keep living until someone who wanted the same things came along. I met my wife on my page @diaryofanaijalesbian, she had come to rant about issues and we just started talking all the time and before we knew it we just got used to talking to each other all time. Then we planned a short visit and got trapped due to covid lockdown which forced us to be in each other’s space than we had planned. And viola! A three-day visit became a two months visit because I was waiting for the airport to reopen.

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Our lives changed for the better forever. I tell people there were no special events or romantic moments that happened prior to our meeting, I just needed someone who had an understanding of who they are and what they want, and she came with my whole list ticked. I knew she was going to be my wife when we had conversations on what we both wanted and we were very honest in that conversation. We put our cards on the table, talked about roles, kids, managing relatives, and gossips. We realized and agreed we wanted the same things. I didn’t care who will be vexed with the fact that I am choosing myself and living on my own terms.

nigerian queer marriages

Like I said earlier before marriage,  I left home early because I knew that was the only way I could buy myself time to live the way I’ve always wanted. My younger brother is the only person in my house that knows about my wife and he loves her so much. As per my wife’s family, I’d say they choose the path of pretending to be ignorant and we are both enjoying that. Her sisters who know are super amazing and we are grateful for them because they go far and beyond to make life easier for us.

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I am a Nigerian Igbo lesbian and you know how patriarchy is often attributed to the Igbos, likewise the tribes’ enormous frown at the existence of LGBTQ, right!? Well, that’s not the scary part of our relationship. My wife is from northern Nigeria, a geographical location where you can’t be older than 25years and single without living like an outcast, now that’s scary. However, we do not care what anybody feels, we love each other and will keep living one day at a time as the universe allows us. 

How Black LGBTIQ+ travelers navigate a challenging world – Lonely Planet

Did we have a wedding ceremony? I always laugh before responding to this question anytime it arises and my response is that I am married and not wedded. Marriage happens before weddings and so we haven’t had a ceremony to celebrate our vows to each other to do life together. The ceremony was us making that life-changing vows to each other and choosing to be wives for the rest of our lives.

 

BABY MAKING

I think everything about same-sex co-existence especially in this clime relies on conversations and honesty. Before my wife and I moved from relationship to the commitment, I remember we had a lot of honest conversations where we talked about everything. She had our son in a previous marriage and he calls us Mama and Mom, and everybody around us knows that and when they ask we simply tell them he has two moms and end the conversation there. I don’t see any reason to start explaining to anyone why it is like that.

I agreed to have our own kids when we are ready. We intend to buy sperm and do IVF or get a donor and use the artificial insemination process.

Read: I Had My First Lesbian Sex… I’m Confused

LGBTQ Fertility Challenges Can Be 'Invisible' And 'Disarming' | HuffPost Canada Parents

QUEER VS STRAIGHT MARRIAGE

Marriage is a co-existence of two people who understand that they both need each other to navigate life as it happens to them whether straight or queer. There is absolutely no difference between both despite popular opinions. People tend to generally think queer relationships are easier than straight ones and it’s a funny mindset if you ask me because in straight relationships there is already a societal manuscript to follow while for us, we are out here shooting blank, trying to pull through in a world where men are known to navigate life easier than women. Marriage generally demands love, loyalty, dedication, and commitment and it’s not different for gay marriages.

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I have never been in a straight marriage before but I’ve been around people who are and I’ll say that discussing roles is usually not the norm in straight marriages as it is in queer marriages. This is because like earlier stated straight marriages have manuscripts they imitate whereas in gay marriages especially in this clime depends on the individuals. For us, there were roles we had to spell out but mostly we just wing it as we go depending on our individual strengths and otherwise. We have our biological roles sorted out like who gets to have which of our babies, whose families we can trust with certain aspects of our lives and who goes to a 9-5, and who runs the home front. But asides from these, other things we wing as they happen mostly because there are no role models or books to rely on so we are mostly shooting blank.

Nigerian lesbian marriage

 

NOT ALL ROSES

I am very confident in how much we love each other and the life we are building and I don’t regret any part of my life as it is. I am confident in the person I chose to do life with me. Has it always been rosy? Hell no!!! We have had to fight ourselves and each other to be here but every day the universe keeps giving reasons to keep choosing each other. Most days are blissful and rosy, other days the world just wants to remind us to not relax too much and we are grateful for how much we have grown and if it ever comes to choosing my wife again? I’ll choose her still because as hard as it is to be a lesbian in this clime it is even harder to find someone who wants the same things as you do and that’s a gift we both do not take for granted (if am to speak for her).

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

Nigerian Lesbian Marriage

MY ADVICE TO THE NIGERIAN LGBTQ COMMUNITY 

My issue with many Nigerian queer couples in the path of coexistence is that most tend to forget easily that they live in a country where their sheer existence is illegal. I understand the need to push beyond the law but I see no reason to try to be a martyr about it. I don’t need to post a picture of my wife and me kissing on social media to prove anything to anybody, I don’t need to come out to every tom-dick-harry to make my point, I owe no one no explanations. And when anybody asks I choose whether to let them in or not, our story is on a need-to-know basis depending on who is asking.

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I don’t think it is the SSMPA that is stopping us from living our best lives here in Nigeria, I think it is our need to live in people’s faces and prove points. As much as this is not so bad, we should also remember that before the anti-gay bill was passed by the senate, people have been homophobic and hypocritical so instead of living life to prove any point to anybody, I think life would be easier if we focus on getting through one day at a time and loving the people that love us the best way we can. The law is not responsible for all the vices within the community, so instead of looking at a law passed in Abuja, we should look inward and do our best to be good and kind people.

Nigerian lesbian marriage

 

FOR NON-QUEERS

You are not entitled to any explanations and it is not religious to ostracize and criminate things because they are not in an age-old book that hasn’t been reviewed. Stop swallowing words from the pulpit and learn to educate yourself. Unlearn, relearn and keep learning. Live and let live too.

Feel free to relay your reservations about my story in the comments section, likewise any questions you might have (will try to answer them). If you’re a queer reading this, probably married or single, I’ll appreciate it if you can share your break-free stories too. 😁👇

7 min read

I recall vividly my happiest moment as a child,  it was the day I finally bid home farewell to boarding school. An opportunity most of my age mates only felt less excited for because obviously, it was their first time being away from home, and importantly, they’ll miss the care from family and the feeling of existing in a sound place called home. Why was I happy to leave home? Home was a slaughterhouse! My father being the butcher and me, my mum and my siblings were the scapegoats. Hardly a week went by without any of us getting a deep bleeding wound, courtesy of my father. It was either a swollen skin, swollen eyes or head, or a cut anywhere else. Tell you what, at age nine, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure.

Home was not a safe haven, boarding school was for me. I barely came home for the holidays. I just stayed in school, participating in every kind of extracurricular activity ( cricket, basketball, etc.),  anything to help me stay far away from my father. The times I was mandated to come home was unforgivable, as the calendar ticked closer to the holidays, my heart leaped for fear.

i am scared of my father
Image source- TV Fanatic

Let Me Tell You About My Father

Have you ever met a man so cruel enough to admire seeing your skin bleed,  yet benevolent in providing you with the facilities you need to navigate life? He brutalized us at will in the name of discipline even for the littlest things like mistakenly breaking a plate, misplacing items, etc. Name the weapons, cable wire, cutlass, his hands, and his energetic way of throwing anything he sees on sight at you. We constantly had family members and our neighbors coming to our aid most times. Often times, those who come to our aid went home irritated and angry, worst case they became the enemy of the family. And I, my mom, and siblings were made to inherit the enmity created by my dad.

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Our family was on the watch list of the whole community, so when we went out to play with other kids their parents always warned them not to play with us for fear of encountering my dad.  The fear of him made our subconscious mind and hearing accustomed to his car honk seven blocks away. Not just us, but the neighbors, ‘go inside o, your dad is coming!’ they often alerted us, likewise they running inside too.

how to know your child is depressed

It was the norm for 18 years of my life living under his roof. As I write this article, I have this very huge scar on my left shoulder that went through 32 stitches. YES! MY DAD DID IT! He used a very sharp cutlass on me, his SON, simply because I was caught communicating with my mum over the phone. She had fled the hell called home because she had it worse than we did. I still look at the scar and remember  9-11 -2008, coincidentally, it was the same day. When the world talks about the famous 9-11 event, I can only remember the wickedness of my father. 

His Benevolence 

The comforting part of his shortcomings was that we never lacked. He is very hardworking and competent in provision. He doesn’t joke with Education, he would help with my physics and geography assignments but mathematics was a tormenting ride with him. For every time I got an answer wrong, he would either whip me, slap me hard until my eyes were stained with blood. One time he held my head and scrubbed my mouth on the floor, I bleed my meat out of my lips. 

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Beaten Black Children by their fathers

And yeah, to dilute his wickedness, he would compensate with a shopping spree. He bought us the latest toys, and my mum the finest wrappers that showcased her as a beautiful Delta Igbo woman. She would put them on with a smile but only a wise man could tell it was a facade. She lived in deep regret.

A Conjugal Warfare

For as long I could remember, my mum was in grief throughout her marriage with him. I never experienced a share of genuine love between them. She would get brutalized for mere quarrels with him and also when she tried to intercede whenever he was beating us cats and dogs. I can never forget her midnight wailings that God should change him, but it only got worse.

Read: Are You Worried About the Disgrace or…

Back then,  we were Catholics and how ironic, my dad was the chairman of the Catholic Men Organisation (CMO). He was not only famous for his numerous donations but also revered as righteous. This made my mum not to confide in anyone in church but instead decided to try other denominations with hopes to get saved from her husband’s brutality.

my father beats my mother

One Sunday after we came back from morning mass, there was a misunderstanding between my mom and my dad that resulted in my mom swimming in a pool of blood gushing from her head.  My dad could care less. I witnessed him sitting comfortably on his ottoman chair watching  ‘People’s Palava’ on MITV. And while she was crying for help, he looked at her with spite and said ‘I am the God in this family, I can take any of you’s life without questioning’.   I was only 15, but I was made to carry the cross of assisting my bleeding mum to the toilet for safety before going over to call our family friend’s whom my dad respected so much.

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They heard my cry and drove me to the Rev Father who followed us home. Shockingly,  my mom was ok and her wound had been dressed by our neighbor who is a nurse. However, the most disappointing of it all was seeing my mom in the kitchen cooking for him. The reverend father advised my mom to leave the marriage for her life …GBAM !!! if a reverend could say this, then you know it’s that bad. My mom hesitated leaving because of her kids, she adores us so much. But eventually after I finished secondary school,  she finally got divorced. Now she is happily married and owns a home in Texas, she  also co-owns an orphanage home with her husband.

divorcee finding love again

The Cause And Effect

My mum left without us because he refused, but at the age of 18, I was able to run away without looking back. The experience made me grow up faster. As the first child, I was responsible for my mum and sibling’s mental state. Now we look back and smile at our experience, though sometimes it lingers in my mom’s mind and she sheds tears but she wipes them and smiles. 

Read: Child to Child Cruelty; These Scars May Never Die

Before our freedom, I noticed my siblings, also males were starting to show tendencies of aggression. It was tilting to become like my dad’s, if care was not taken. I had to constantly nip it in the bud by showing them gentlemanly ways. I knew it was the side effect of the many tormenting experience living with my dad and it could most likely mar them for life. I say this because the brutality my dad showed was a result of his upbringing.  He was also brutalized by his father, and the brutality was also extended to his mother. My dad’s childhood damaged him. He couldn’t give us love because he was never shown love.  I have myself in control, because right from time, I knew there was more to all the bad emotions that occupied our home. I found peace living in my head (imaginations), I created a better family, a better experience, a better reaction compared to the reaction in my reality, all in my head (imagination). I looked forward to my own happiness, I knew it would come one day, I learned how to deal with all my demons ( fear, anxiety, depression, hate, etc)  and replaced them with the opposite. I didn’t let his wickedness infect me. All I do now is make sure my siblings are surrounded with so much love, so they can be exemplary.

my bad father black brothers love

Now the only relationship I have with my dad is business talks and that’s because he has what I need (funds and connections). Deep down I know he regrets his actions, he tries to show it sometimes but I  just ignore the signs and let him drown in his guilt of being a bad father and a bad husband. Frankly, I do not have any hatred for him, nor do I wish that my childhood was different. Rather the experience has made me conscious of being a good man, an attribute I might have lacked. I might have lacked empathy if I hadn’t experienced the lack of it. It made me learn that emotions are a luxury. The fact that people have the ability to show some emotions in excess doesn’t mean it is normal. Like I put in effort in my job, I put in the effort with good emotions too. It makes me satisfied.

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Now you, how would you describe the method of training by your parents? Did it make you the man or woman that you are today? Also, do you agree that the best form of discipline is by beating a child? And if you grew up in a warzone like mine, with a tormenting father (or mother), please lets learn of your experience in the comment section😪👇.

5 min read

” All characters and events depicted in this series are fictitious, any resemblance…” Movies which begin their race with a note of denegation are incisive (judgment based on the ones I’ve watched). ‘King of Boys: The Return of the King’, personifies this.

One moment I’m dancing to its rhythm as a face-valued entertaining film, but the next and even more recurrently, I wish I could fall hook, line, and sinker for the disclaimer but Nah. ‘King of Boys: The Return of the King’ is too accurate for mere fiction, especially in its vivid reflection of the political monkey business (Nigeria as a case study). However, like the amiable director, Kemi Adetiba, I’d like to plead the fifth on name callings but I’m certain you’ll get the gist as you read through my review of the film.

Kemi Adetiba on king of boys 2
The amiable director, Kemi Adetiba

Need I mention that King of Boys 1, released in 2018, left me too emotional but watching the season, I consider it wasted emotions because the season is the ideal crackerjack. I didn’t even expect it’ll be continued as a series, yeah… thumbs up to Kemi Adetiba! I don’t know how she did it but I was on my toes throughout watching.

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Before I delve into the eye-openers, let me appreciate the movie’s use of biblical allusions. The first and only appearance of Makanaki to Odoguwu Malay is a nostalgic reference for the resurrection of Jesus in his appearance to Thomas. I couldn’t help but think of the resurrection story as Makanaki refers to Odogwu as ‘doubting Thomas’ and shortly after, tells him to touch his scar.

King of boys

Another symbolic scene almost immediately somewhat in tandem with the bible is the presentation of Odogwu’s body guard’s head on a tray. For some reason, I found it a mimic of the death of John the Baptist only that in this context, the head was not a promise to anyone’s heir but a promise borne out of bitter revenge. 

 

 

Now The Eye-openers…

There’s much to see and feel while watching ‘King of Boys: The Return of the King’.  From dirty politics to the complexity of the human mind, and even love being thematically represented…the movie is a carrier of diversified and discerning warmth. 

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Power is A Combination: The role of the main character Eniola Salami, made me understand that power is not a stand-alone possession but a combination of being intelligent, smart, and a mystical aura obtained from a myriad of experiences. The yardstick to qualify a person as ‘Powerful’, should not be based on the fact that they occupy a position of power. Eniola Salami has it all. An omini knowest go-getter lol, one moment you think that she’s being played, the next moment, she switches up and we see a different king of boys in action.

Eniola Salami's role in King of Boys 2

Materialism Is Not the Only Answer to Gaining Loyalty: Although rare, but loyalty is not dead! If loyalty was a person, then it would be Ade Tiger. Not until the big twist, I thought he would betray the oba (Eniola). His role in the movie makes me believe in loyalty, it makes me believe that there are actually people who can take a bullet for me literally but something gotta give and it’s not always materialistic. Eniola’s passion and promised assurance were all he needed to ride and die with her. To add, Ade Tiger is such a fineeee man and the whole thug life suits his persona perfectly.

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Permanent Enemies or Friends Do Not Exist: Like every man has a price, reconciliation is inevitable. Who would have thought of that twist? Ehn? Makanaki and the oba (Eniola), burying the hatchet? Whew! well, when it involves politics, there are no permanent allies and no permanent foes, everyone is led on by a mutual interest, which is power. 

the review of king of boys 2

Church and Politics: Yeah, I agree that every unit in the society harbors a stench of politics but you see, the church is the main culprit. The character,  Reverend Ifeanyi, is symbolic of the whispered church sins we see in society. From meddling with politicians for money to stylishly endorsing them to their congregation to secure votes and even down to church leaders owning a dirty closet that’s a far cry away from church doctrines. The holier than thou Reverend Ifeanyi’s character exposes it all.

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A Thin Line Between Passion and Foolhardy: Passion for one’s job is good. Hard work is great. But do not lose yourself, your family, and everything you love while pursuing your career.  Dapo learns this the hard way. He loses his family, career and worse still, he had a dent in his name and image. Not agreeing that what his boss did was right, but not knowing when to stop is foolish. Dapo in my opinion, should have not dug further into the story, accepting defeat does not mean a lack of courage, after all, it’s said that he who runs away lives to fight another day.

king of boys 2

Strength Can be a Facade: The First Lady, Jumoke Randle is intriguing. Her poise and confidence are felt throughout the film but we later see that it weakens at the sight of greater power, her mother-in-law. As much as I could perceive her strong will to do anything for her husband and family’s interest, her character succeeds in passing a message of how someone can appear so confident yet still seeks validation.

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Kemi Adetiba and the entire cast and crew, made me fall swiftly for ‘King of Boys: The Return of the King’. I totally enjoyed every bit of the film both in an entertaining sense and on a deeper level. What do you think of the movie, especially the lessons you learned from watching it? Do you want a continuation? In my opinion, this is as good as a closed chapter, subsequent seasons might jinx it lol, not doubting Kemi’s talent to do a good job the umpteenth time though. A friend of mine holds the opinion that Boxer’s case was a setup and if there would be a continuation, Ade Tiger might betray Eniola Salami. What are your thoughts on this? And yeah other reservations you have about the film. Kindly leave your comments 😁👇

 

5 min read

I am a mixture of very nasty and crazy deeds, tilting more in the sexual direction. It’s that bad that I don’t have a sex fantasy as I’ve explored in reality every sexual nastiness or weirdness my mind has ever imagined. When people talk sex fantasy, I can’t relate, that’s for cowards lol… shady much, I know. 

Reading through my lineup of sex adventures, most of you will call me dirty but yeah right, that’s for you. It’s freaky for me and I enjoy every bit of the shit. So stick with me…

bite sexy lips guf

COCK AND BALL TORTURE

My openness about sex is second to none. Like a hunter aiming for prey, when I finally clamp down on my desired woman, I do not hesitate to tell her what I want to do with her body. Being vocal about it can be upsetting to some but trust me, it saves me time and you know the funny thing…bitches might front a little but they always come around. All a nigga gotta do is set the cheese in the right places to catch the rat (bitch).

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I belong to a few sex sites and this particular one, I talked a lot about BDSM with this lady, and fortunately for my dick, we clicked naturally. You know what it means yeah winks… To cut the long story short, we eventually met. I submitted to her and got bundled and tied like hopeless Isaac waiting to be sacrificed by father Abraham. It was part of the game if you understand what BDSM entails 😁. 

BDSM for beginners
Image source- Healthline

It was my first time to experience COCK AND BALL TORTURE. If you’ve never heard of this before, like the name, it involves applying pain to the penis and testicles for pleasure. I always read about it on erotic sites, likewise watched videos but never had the liver to try it, as we know the D is very precious. 

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She majored on my dick for about an hour. Tied my dick and then started to soothe my balls. I for one was so thrilled by the dexterity of her palms in running my balls to give it the sweetest feel I think I ever had. This time my balls were filled and maximally bulgy.  She stroked my tied dick gently as she tongued my balls. I came to the point of erupting (cumming) when she suddenly stopped. Whoa! 😬 that feeling. 

What Is Cock and Ball Torture
Image source- Sophia Grey

She allowed me some minutes then came back at this repeatedly, this time my balls were damn heavy and full. For one, I know I have big balls, however, I had never felt my balls so swollen, in no time I began to feel a painful sensation in my tummy. It was to her delight and exactly the way she wanted it played out. Whenever I’m eased she gently tongues my balls and tickles my dick. Really cannot count how many times we had the back and forth, but at some point, I am moaning, and another time, I am grunting in pain. While at this she was touching herself and I could see how enthralled she was having a good time. 

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At the climax of my pain, I shouted the safe word for the umpteenth time before she released me. As my gift, she later drained my balls totally, sucking me of every cum. I enjoyed it but after the relief, the pain stuck with me for hours. I was damn weak.  Will I try ball and cock torture again??? Well well… we shall see.

how to perform cock and ball torture
Image Source- DH Gate

ROAD DOWN MY FETISH 

I got a weird sexual fetish that you might consider dirty, well that’s on you. It took me time to own up to it because I found it quite weird. Right from childhood I have had this fetish and cannot recall the root cause. My fetish revolves around a woman’s ass, licking and eating the pussy is one thing I like but eating and licking a woman’s ass hole is a whole new level for me.  

Read: Let’s Play A Game…Fetish or Obsessions?

I love being facesitted, like when a lady presses her bum on my face and chokes me… ughhh😍. While she’s facesitting me, I deep my nose in her ass and sniff her asshole deeply and thereafter rolling my tongue into her ass hole… yummy 😋. I love to watch a lady’s ass in that untidy state, love to have a lady fart loudly in my face while at it, hmm. 

How To Give A freaky Rim Job
Image Source- Cosmo.ph

I love to see a lady taking a poo, as the sight of this is a real turn-on for me. And as soon as she’s done, feasting starts, I eat her ass immediately after she’s done. Fuck the poo stains, it’s all mine to relish. In the absence of this, sniffing a lady’s panties and smelling her yummy ass is my drug🥵

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Like I said earlier, it began in my childhood. I could remember way back when I was in primary 1 or 2, there was this girl that sat in front of the class, my seat was at the back. I would go under the desk, yank her pants and lick her buttocks lol 😆. She would always threaten to tell our class teacher while I begged her not to. Yeah, I was that spoilt as a child, still can’t trace how it all began but tell you what, I love it to bits.

freaky sex and fetishes

The only issue I have that tends to kill the joy in my sexual exploration is that most ladies I meet either find it disgusting or too shy to agree. But the ones who do are fire! 

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Call it dirty? I call it freaky. What’s the weirdest sex activity you enjoy? One many might call dirty or weird and how does it make you feel? In case you’re wondering what my fetish is called, it’s rimming. What’s your opinion about it though? A smash or pass? Common guys, don’t be shy, let’s get freaky in the comment section👇👇… hmm yummy🤤.

 

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8 min read

As a child, I had a very high libido, I loved the idea of sex right from when I was 12 as I read a lot of erotica (still do) that made me get addicted to masturbating from that age. I loved the idea of a boy wanting me and touching me. I was basically boy crazy in secondary school, I got in at age 10 meeting classmates a little older. They would watch porn and sometimes I watched it with them. I loved it but what really piqued my interest was the romance novels. I have an imaginative mind so I would vividly imagine what was going on in my head which led me several times to rub myself on the pillow and just any surface.

By the time I was in SS2 I had my first orgasm in class when my female friends were talking and I became horny and I kept rubbing my thighs together. I couldn’t scream I just laid my head on the desk and tried to calm down. I didn’t know it was because of my ovulation. Fast forward to after my WAEC and was home waiting for admission. I began to explore my body by touching myself and doing all sorts of nasty things to make me cum. For some reason, I began to watch lesbian porn and it appealed so much to me and I started to see girls differently. I would imagine myself kissing a girl, touching her, and having lesbian sex. It was my little secret.

Read: I Missed A Step At Becoming A Lesbian
How do lesbians have sex? Myths, tips, positions, and more
Source- Net Doctor

I VOWED

I couldn’t place how my love for sex and sexually related topics continued to blossom despite coming from a strict religious home. I grew up in a conservative home where we prayed for everything. I was the best in Sunday school and in fact the golden girl in church. I read passages in the bible of the head and would compete in bible quizzes where I was either first or second.

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My mum is a konk Christian woman who has a grave hatred for trousers, makeup, and so on, but my dad has no religion. My mum would always preach chastity to me as per the first child and warned me about not bringing disgrace to the family. She had no idea I was sunk in pornography because I knew how to play obediently. The only time she found something foul with me was when I was 14 and she read my diary and saw I had a crush on one of the boys in my class. She didn’t take it lightly with me, she ranted about my sin for days and I vowed to never let her know anything about me again.

Mother scolding frustrated daughter for being a lesbian
Source- Westend61

AND UNIVERSITY CAME CALLING

I had come to accept that females were more sexually appealing to me than males, but I was scared to pursue it for fear of family wrath so whenever the feeling came, it remained in my head.

The temptation grew out of hand when I got an admission to the university and had two female roommates. You know how girls are, always wanting to be either stark naked or half-naked when they’re indoors. My roommates barely wore clothes and I found myself sexually attracted and tempted to suck their nipples and do everything sexually crazy to satisfy my sexual urge. The urge was strong, but I lacked the confidence to approach either of them so I hated anytime they were naked and tried to caution them. I never let them in on my true feelings.

I wasn’t bold enough to approach any female on campus either to propose how I felt, so I made it a conscious effort to scrap the idea of being with a lady.

shy black lesbian having sex
Source- Comfy Girl With Curls

FINALLY MET HER

Last year, I clocked 20 and had sex for the first time (heterosexual sex). I can’t remember a lot but it was uncomfortable. I started having sex properly after that. I love having sex with men but I never had orgasms, I mostly faked it and since my pussy is usually very wet, none of the men would imagine I wasn’t satisfied. I usually would masturbate after sex to get full satisfaction.

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

I met my present boyfriend this year. He made me feel good. He is dark and handsome and has a very nice personality but his friend, a female, has this aura that makes me surrender. So intriguing, she is sex-positive and openly bisexual. She rekindled my suppressed feeling for females and truthfully I’ve found myself wanting her more than I want my man.

bi and lesbian sex
Source- Book Riot

One night I was high and when I am high,  I have no inhibitions. We were watching a movie and she placed her head on my lap. I started touching her little by little, then I touched her breasts, and she turned and kissed me. It was beautiful. She kissed me and asked if she could touch me properly. I said yes. Then she told me to take off my dress. She opened my legs and smelled me. She inhaled deeply and smiled. She told me I smelled good. I felt happy. She pulled my panties and licked me. She worked my body like it’s hers. She found my clit without me showing her and then she fingered me, it was awesome. The first time I would be fingered so good. All the men I’ve been with are always in a hurry while fingering and I sometimes have injuries. But she fingered me with precision. I came from her penetrating me, It had never happened before. I have never orgasmed from penetration before.

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I had four orgasms with her. I also came from nipple play, my nipples were so tingly after we were through. I was spent and I didn’t even go through stress. I screamed when she licked and sucked my clit. She looked me in the eye and smiled at me when I came down. She asked if I was good and I couldn’t even talk. She smiled and told me to sit in front of her, she whispered in my ear dirty talk and started touching my pussy,  I orgasmed again. I couldn’t understand how she knew my body so much. Gosh! lesbian sex is so sweet.

Busty black lesbians having sex

HE FOUND OUT

I couldn’t keep what happened to myself, I told my boyfriend and to my surprise, he wasn’t that shaken. I think he didn’t feel threatened because she is a girl. He asked me who was better and I lied saying he was but I knew the truth, I didn’t want him to feel insecure. Whenever we have sex he tries too hard and sometimes I just go through the motions, he leaves me so sore it hurts to even urinate. He complains about my lack of spontaneity but doesn’t know I only manage to have sex with him when I’m high. But when I am normal I find it hard cause I might not be invested and it’s painful for me when he penetrates. He gives me head but ends up using teeth sometimes. It’s frustrating.

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I can’t stop thinking of her, I wish I could have lesbian sex with her again and please her also as she did with me. Whenever she comes around and we get high together, she might play with my nipples or my ass when my boyfriend is not there. She would smell my panties and tell me I smell so good. But when he is there I try to act normal because he started to warn me about it. I sometimes hint at a threesome but he doesn’t want it. She once said she wants to watch us have sex and she would be in the background. I wanted it so bad but he refused. I wanted her to see me aroused. Maybe I would orgasm from her watching. I don’t want to have sex again with her behind his back but I feel like it’s inevitable.

lesbian sex threesome
Source- Cosmopolitan

 

SHE DOESN’T WANT ME

She has refused to date me, she’s not into dating and even when I offered to be in a polyamorous affair with her, she refused.  She prefers no string sex and she is also unpredictable. There are days she doesn’t want me but some days she wants me. Sometimes she tells my boyfriend to hold me tight otherwise she will snatch me, other times she wouldn’t even talk to me at all. Her unstable emotions gets me confused and sad.  I don’t know why I find myself so attached to her, could it be because she broke my lesbian virginity?

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Since our encounter, my sexual attraction for ladies is now so high, I see girls, and all I want to do is fuck them and please them so bad, If she is pretty and intelligent, major turn on. I love ass, I am an ass girl, when I see a girl with fine ass, it’s hard to take my eyes off her. My sexual attraction for women has gotten so bad that my other female friend has noticed that I look at her differently, I had to open up to her. I made moves on her, she is tall, curvy, has a big ass with creamy and spotless skin. One time playfully, she asked me to come and suck her breast and I surprised her by saying I would if she let me. She was shocked and stopped talking. I know she knows I am not straight.

lesbian sex

 

MY SEXUALITY DILEMMA

I think I would date a girl if I had a chance as I have found myself liking more girls now. I still like men though especially tall dark and handsome, if he has a beard then turn on. But more strongly, I would like to learn how to please a girl the same way my boyfriend’s friend pleased me with sweet lesbian sex. I always imagine how it is to taste pussy. I wish I could please someone and let them feel the same way I felt with her.

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What can I do? I love men and women but my lesbian side is more. Just the thought of women makes me very horny but I feel trapped as a Christian and worst of a Nigerian where homosexuality is condemned. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I am actually a lesbian but compensate with boys because of the society I’ve found myself in. Please, Mutterers, I need your candid advice, leave me a comment 😥👇.

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9 min read

I like to believe everyone has a romantic love story to share and the crash that came knocking afterward. Good for you if you found the love of your life, clicked a 100, and tied the knot to live happily ever after. You know that’s witchcraft, right? Bad for you if the only love story you got is seeing through the eyes of characters in novels, television, and yeah social media. You’re a coward, you’d rather be alone than stomach a breakup yeah? Well, I hate to break it to you that the moment you give in, your share of heartbreak will be served on a platter. You can’t be as lucky as the witches, never!

MY LOVE STORY

I am not good at romanticizing lines to trigger butterflies in your stomach, I can only beg you to pretend that it’s that romantic a piece so we can arrive at the sole purpose for telling my story. Shall we?

dating and breakups

We met at a youth group meeting, a friend had invited him to come to train us, and I, being part of the organizers of the event, was assigned to follow up with him and see to it that he was going to be available for the training session. So we exchanged numbers and got talking every day with his PowerPoint presentation being the leverage. He let me in on his social phobia, he’s an introvert and had developed frozen feet. I tried my best to encourage him… you know those “Go Boy! You Got This!!” inspiring lines, yeah, they came in handy lol.

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Still talking and now getting cheesy, I found he stayed around my area, and tell you what,  it was one of the most amazing news to have greeted my ears. I’m an indoor girlie who hardly talks to anyone around my area. My routine was to go to work, church, back home, and repeat the process.

Fast forward to months of a beautiful friendship and me getting to know him better,  what I started to feel for him took me back to how I felt towards my high school crush only that this time my crush was my friend and he also had a crush on me too. Jackpot! 

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We were alike on so many levels, it was easy to talk with him for hours non-stop. We shared our fears, our dreams, our plans, and aspirations together. It was only easier for my feelings to cross the boundary of “just friends”, I started liking him more than a friend but I was sure good at pretending. 

talking stage in a relationship

 

YIPEE! HE POPPED THE QUESTION 

“I’m in love with you, will you be my girlfriend?” these words flew out of nowhere while we were having one of our random discussions. OF COURSE!! baby girl was already head over heels in love but was only waiting to be asked, LMAO. 

Read: A Merry Go Round Affair; Should I Leave Her Stranded Now?

We became better friends, it was like we just transitioned from a level of friendship and love to lovers. It would be sometimes hard to tell the difference if you had met us in person. He always looked out for ways to make me better and I also helped him out in ways I could. I felt so loved by him, talk about the time he would send me handwritten letters when he lost his phone to let me know how much he missed me and was thinking about me. Boy, I was in love with this guy and I didn’t see anything that wouldn’t make us work because we were both intentional about showing love to each other. 

how to spice your relationship to avoid a breakup

I’m not the PDA kind of person he was, so he would publicly hold my hands, kiss me quickly when no one was watching (or so we thought), and so many other love gestures I had never experienced before him. I felt treated like a princess, he was quite a gentleman, I confirmed from meeting his parents that they had a great influence on the Man he turned out to be. Sometimes when I close from work or school he would call ahead to know if I was hungry (I was always hungry 😋) and since I’ll have to pass by his house before I got to mine he would call ahead to know if I’ll stop over, he would have cooked noodles, boiled egg and fried plantain for me, it felt too good to be true but cause I knew him as a friend I wasn’t too surprised about his loving nature.  He was very thoughtful about giving gifts, hugs, surprises, and words of encouragement.

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It was my first real relationship in my 25 years of existence as the one I had before him only lasted a month LOL. So let’s say he was my first love (not in the context of first love as regards sex o but love like when you fall deeply in love with someone and you cannot think straight again LOLs).   There was one time I became depressed because I was facing pressure from work,  school, and home.  I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts, it was a hot afternoon and I was late for a meeting, I thought of jumping in front of a moving bus and was waiting for the right type of moving bus, then I thought “let me call him before I die”.  I will never forget his saving words; “Everybody fucking makes mistakes, why will you kill yourself over one?  when you get there, act like you never knew you were late and if they say anything tell them fuck you and go back home”. His last lines made me laugh off my depressed state. I went for the meeting and realized that they had already changed the time and I was an hour early. Yeah, you can say I was blessed with him at that time.

couples at the verge of a breakup

THE ODDS WITH TAKING A BREAK

Seven months down the line, he wanted to start a project and I was in on it big time like I was glad he could finally go for his dreams. He had always talked about starting the project and I was happy. At this time I was also running a program and facing stress from my project supervisor, I was drained financially, was facing home stress, and shuffling a low-paying volunteer work and school together. He was also getting deeply engrossed in work and it was also financially and emotionally draining for him. He became less attentive and I started to nag, he hardly called, and when I called him it was to blame him for not calling before saying that I missed him. 

Read: A Guilt To Live With? My Abortion Story

I guess he couldn’t take my nags anymore but what’s a girl gotta do? He asked for a break to clear his head and after two weeks, he came back and said he was sorry and he wanted us back together again. We picked up from where we left it and continued to support each other every other day. But there’s this thing about taking a break, it leaves a glitch and you find yourself trying too hard not to let it happen again. 

taking a break from a relationship

After a month we started struggling to keep the communication again, he was always sad about things not working out for him at the time and I tried to support and encourage him. I would take him out to eat to cheer him up. Sometimes I show up unannounced, drop him a cooler of his favorite meal, and leave so that he knows I was thinking about him without encroaching in his space.  I started reading books on communication to master the difference between how each gender thinks or communicates. I just wanted to be able to communicate love to him in the best ways possible but I guess I was failing at it. 

 

“WE NEED TO TALK”

Despite the hiccups, we clocked a few weeks and a year of dating, and then one Monday evening, I’ll never forget, I got the ever-dreaded message “we need to talk”. I imagined the worst but not a breakup, but to my surprise, it was it. The reason he gave was that he doesn’t want to string me along and waste my time, he needed to focus on his project and he can’t handle a relationship alongside. 

crying after a breakup

I was in pain. He knew I would wait for him if he had asked,  he knew I was initially scared to let my guards down and fall in love,  he knew that I loved him and would have wanted to stay and fight for love’s sake. I didn’t know how to handle the heartbreak, it was my first, I was too shattered for comfort. 

I had so many questions, What happened to the January 1st promise to fight for our love?  Why know so much about me and still hurt me? Why did he ask me out only to not ask my opinion before deciding on a breakup?  What makes him think I was in a hurry to get married? Why do I feel like he chose his life over me?  Was I really not that important to him or Did he fall out of love with me while my eyes were closed?  I never saw that move coming and no book or anyone had prepared me ahead for this. 

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I told him it’s okay, I believe in forgiveness, love, and friendship irrespective of how people turn out. I owe it to myself and my God to forgive, so I forgave him but I was heartbroken. Remember we were both on a project he was running so I still supported him while healing and trying to relate with him as just friends (I am the ‘My word is my Bond’ kind of person so I never throw any previously good friendship away because of one bad occurrence) but I took a break from being around him. 

friends with your ex after a break up

SHOULD HE CHANGE HIS MIND…

After a few months of nursing my hurt to no avail, I wrote him a handwritten letter too, telling him how much I loved him and want him back if he changes his mind. His response to the letter was “Why?” alongside sad emojis but he didn’t say he loved me back, there and then I knew it wasn’t a “take a break breakup”, it was for real. I felt stupid, I tore his letter to me,  cleared chats, deleted his number, and took time off social media and everything that would make me see him for some months.  Cried every day into my pillow for like 6 months, it took me over a year before I finally made peace with myself. 

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Sometimes I wish I never agreed to be in a relationship with him because what I feared the most happened to me through someone I had loved, plus maybe we would have still been very good friends to date. Other times I am grateful for the times we shared because as hurtful as the breakup was I know what to expect from a man,  I deserve to be loved and cherished, I also deserve to be fought for irrespective of circumstances and I know I’ll do the same too to whoever comes my way. 

dreaming of your ex after a breakup

After about a year and some months, I now see him with his new girlfriend,  sometimes it hurts because I wonder if he was really saying the truth when he said he couldn’t handle relationships alongside the project. He’s successful and even handles bigger projects now, was that an excuse to get me off the way? was I really the problem?  These questions I might never get answers to because we are not as close anymore, we talk but just casually, and the friendship we once shared, dead! 

Read: Vent Room! An Unsent Letter To Your Exes

One lesson I learned through all of these was that I could have communicated clearly with him when I noticed him pulling away instead of nagging. I could have asked him about how he felt about the relationship before the pressure of work started weighing in on us. This should have helped right? Now I am very big on communication, communicating clearly without pointing fingers, listening without judging, and talking about issues before they become too hard to solve.

breakup and communication
Source- New York Times

RECALLING YOURS AND THE LESSON

Yeah yeah like I pleaded with you at the beginning of the read to pretend that it’s a romatic read so we arrive at the sole purpose of telling my story. So Uju (Admin) reached out to me, asking if I’ll love to share my most memorable breakup story and the lessons with hopes that you too, can also recall yours and the lessons you learned.

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You see the thing about breakups is that no party is ever too confident to voice their faults in all of it. We mostly enjoy painting our exes as the villain (lowkey I think mine was lol) but deep down we learned a lesson or two and acknowledge our faults. It’s the purpose of this post.

Mind sharing your most memorable breakup experience, how it made you feel, the lessons and most importantly bearing your faults all out? This should be fun, lowkey warming up to laugh too. Leave your comments below😁👇👇.

8 min read

Before you kick off reading my story, I’ll need you to bear in mind that I don’t buy into this crap of a statement that “the church is for perfecting, not for perfect people”, for these nine worded bullocks only excels at being the leverage to commit sins with impunity. And for the ones who are quick to clench to the sermon of grace being in abundance, hence committing recurrent evils, I hope your waterloo is not far-fetched.

 I love God and I know He loves me so much that there is no external judgment that can limit his love for me. I was born into a spiritual family. My Dad was our role model, he loved the things of God and also gave to the church. But as I grew, I began to witness the envy rooted in the church, members competing against each other and all these made my brain itch as I couldn’t reconcile the words of the bible compared to the actions of the people.

the church ills

The Triggers Started To Play Dirty…

Then the rug was pulled off my feet when my pastor, a man who I held as a mentor and somewhat the people’s savior, handed my father over to the police for a case that just needed a few elders sitting to be resolved. My pastor’s son had a rift with my aunty and my dad had only returned from work to meet the mess but before he could say jack, the police were already in our house and bundled my dad and others to the station. Tell you what, after the police read the statement, they dismissed it immediately on grounds that it was an issue best settled at home. Why wasn’t the so-called man of God able to settle it? Why didn’t he let love lead as he usually preached?

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For months, my family stopped attending church services and took to worshipping at home to avoid further triggers. But you know how our mothers can be, always feeling the need to draw the home to God, so we moved to another church. The new church appeared quite stable because you know the thing about rolling with unfamiliar faces, you just do your shit and leave, this was our case. 

the church

Not long before I embarked on a personal study on the word of God and began to ask questions especially on these so-called miracles and revivals that seemed to be the most projected church attribute at the time. I got no answers because here in this part of the world “you don’t question the Holy Spirit”. With time, I realized that all the displays were maybe a little backed by God but for certain, had more psychological backing or should I say manipulation. Like people use quotes to justify bad behaviors, church leaders are guilty of this too, but their weapon is biblical quotes.

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For example, the bible says, “ye are the light of the world”, which means that you are the ones to lead the people in the knowledge of things in the world. But in churches, this bible verse is restricted to the church. Just a few churches appreciate it when one uses  their gift/talent in the secular world, the rest expect you to use it for “only Jesus”, which is funny because even the same bible says  “that the gift of a man will make way for him”. How do you limit one’s gift and not support them in their endeavor? For instance, in every service you see the talented pianist giving his best, not even a token to show appreciation despite the numerous offerings huh? And then it becomes a grave sin when he goes circular and starts getting paid what he’s worth?  I’ve never seen a unit that turns a blind eye to empowerment as much as the church does, at this point, even the government has a better profile. And when someone dies in cases like depression and all, nobody tries to look back at what made it happen…the next day church continues. The event of suicide will even be used as either sermon or testimony.

the sins of the church

Covid! A Revealer Of Secrets And A Blessing In Disguise

Early 2019, I became exhausted from church activities with news of rape, online fraud, and other unexplainable events no one will ever believe happened within the four walls of a church or were carried out by staunch members of it. Not to go into vivid details enough to warrant name callings, but it was that bad, victims were silenced and blackmailed by top church leaders to save face and uphold church name.

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Then, the rebel in me began to ask questions, “why?” and “how?”. I felt so much anger and pain mostly because God became a silent watcher and the ones he assigned to do so on his behalf ended up betraying us.  The crazy part is that the prey is revered by all and sundry. No one dares talk ill of him, because there is one stupid member ready to give his life for him. Holiness became a facade, the church was a disguised cult ground.

the church sins
Source- This Day Live

Then came COVID-19, The revealer of secrets. For some reason, victims started to find their voice all thanks to social media. Could you imagine the pastor picking ladies in the choir one after the other, seducing them, and raping those who wouldn’t yield? And his wife has no remorse but chose to blackmail these ladies? It even led to a Facebook fracas, all I could say was “Alas! Jesus!” 

Read: A Crispy Take on why I Became A Religion Non-conformist

The lockdown gave me the understanding that there is no need for us to put any man before God. We were at home, because of the virus. No church, no seeing the pastor (even tho, some still did in their neighborhood). We called on God’s help and he answered. The lockdown removed the dust from my eyes as I found a closer relationship with my creator, I was able to separate the reality of life from religion. How God even expects us to think like humans and not like morons. Pastors are like us, mere mortals, so no need making them feel like God, instead we should spread love and light among people.

worshipping your pastor instead of God
Source- Gavin Alegho

The War Against Humanity…

I am against the war against humanity which is evident in churches. Christianity is supposed to help humans become better but the church only cares about milking members with numerous offerings and whatnot. They care less about members’ quality of life, but more interested in manipulating members into slavery whilst backing up with biblical bullocks. Is it too hard to see that the biblical days are far more different from this era? Why expect discipleship like that of the old? Can’t tell me anything, religion in this part of the world is strictly business.

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I’ve had my share of bad dealings with the church and I don’t want any more of it. If I look past the happenings around me and don’t move, I might be crushed by the moving train. Slow for you to ever think that these so-called pastors are non-partisan. They have friends everywhere; in the police, army, politics, and all. In a lawless country like Nigeria, you cannot fight them. They can take the life of man without thinking of God. And Someone advises waiting on Karma?! Till you die, Karma may never show up, then you begin to feel that God is partial. I put it to you that church war is worse than family war, a person will be on the side forming ‘Jesus baby’, unbeknownst to them the other person has gone diabolical.

diabolic practice in church
Source- One Earth Future

I have not gone to church for a while, but I have never missed out on God’s unimaginable love. When church folks come at me with the “Do not forsake the gathering of the brethren” lines, I ask, what if I don’t want to gather with the brethren? Also, the spiritual growth usually emphasized is a continuous journey based on building one’s faith and faith they say comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God. So if I listen to sermons that help build my faith without going to church, I am okay I believe. Spiritual growth is not about being in one department or the other in church. If your pastor’s sermon is not enough to make you study the word of God and understand it for yourself, is it joining the ushering department or choir that helps you grow spiritually? I think not. Church departments are no different from social gatherings, they help you relate better with other members and if care is not taken, see finish ruins it.

Read: Christians, Was It A Miracle or By Force?

The journey of life is personal to every man. Man made these rules to control others. As humans, we are all gifted with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, just that we are too anxious and out of place to know.

hate the church

If our hearts are filled with fewer worries, and as we ask, we wait, listen and meditate on God’s words and know how to apply them to our daily lives, we are good. Sometimes, the gathering of the brethren causes envy, strife, lies, even killings…unnecessary beef.

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Hey reader, like me, did you also stop attending church? I’d love to know your trigger. Why did you forsake the gathering of the brethren? And how have you felt since then? Much better or worse? If at some point you neglected the church and came back much later, I’d appreciate it if you could take us through that journey of discovery, perhaps it could help.  Also to those who eventually turned atheist in the process, it’ll be pleasing to learn of your triggers too. To the church folks reading this, why is it always a cause for drags when someone says they no longer attend church?

Not in a bid to cause any strife, let’s just have this sincere conversation in the comment section😄👇.

 

 

 

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7 min read

Each passing day, all I have left are the trails of the event, not how it started. It all made sense now what my dad said about “enemies lurking in the courtyard and perpetrators being your close ones”. It took me 7 years to realize I held myself hostage for a crime I did not commit. I beat myself up emotionally for failing when I did not know better.

There was this wave of adulthood I felt and I was barely 14. I became really guarded and secretive. I wanted to prove myself worthy of love. I was hungry for affection and Care. I needed someone to call my own. Guess it’s what they often say about the odds of being birth in a polygamous family; mine was built by an aging father. My ever-busy mum had just me and my introverted sister in a colony where everyone fought for themselves. I was alone, trying to navigate the sharks and perks of teenagehood. One thing was non-negotiable for my sister and me; quality education and I compensated by excelling in everything except mathematics. Getting a tutor for extra maths classes was the best move for my parents but the beginning of my woes.

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romance with my teacher

AN ANGELIC DEMON

Dreaded by all,  good with words but better with the whip…although deficient in looks, his genius brain was a glory to behold. He was a science teacher in my school, very charming in a weird way every girl would kill for a spot at his table. My smart mouth and my mother’s money secured me one and alas, he became my tutor in mathematics. The formulas remained a difficult nut to crack for my brain but the more I deteriorated in comprehending, the more he was relentless in making sure it sank. He listened, he cared not just about my academics but my wellbeing. He asked my opinion on things, was bothered if I had eaten, helped shape my dreams, and importantly, made me believe I was worthy. He was everything my parents were not. Before long, I fell helpless in love or better still in romance with him, my maths tutor. I was 14!

Read: From Abuse to Addiction

His favorite place was the science laboratory except he was parading to lay hold of a scapegoat roaming the corridor (You know how it is in secondary schools). I was not in science class but I stayed in the lab even more than the keeper. School usually closed at 4 pm after which I’ll start my extra class by 4:30 pm with a junior male student whose class ended by 6:30 pm while mine continued. 

romance with my maths teacher in the lab
Source- Vox

Like I mentioned at the beginning, I have no vivid memory of how the romance with my teacher blossomed into light, I just found myself in the mix of getting bewitched by his charms which I always enjoyed. Mathematics was hard but there was something about him that made failing really nice. I did not get better at solving maths problems but I looked forward to his soothing caress after every failed attempt. He scolds me, I shed a tear or more and he brings me close, and hugs me really tight. He smelt really good then but picking up the smell now makes my head swim. He was good at scolding yet made me feel good at the same time. Before I knew it, we’ll start kissing, he’ll fondle my tender breasts and subdue my mouth with his extra full lips while his tongue went down my throat and his finger worked my clitoris. 

HE UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT

I always felt shrills down to my feet. He knew when and how to touch me and likewise tutored me how to fondle his penis instead of holding the lab cabinet while I moaned gently in the dark with no one in sight. One creepy occurrence was when my eyes caught the lab skeleton in a corner with its jagged jaw. It felt like it wore this look of surprise and sorry for me at the same time. How did I become this? How did my parents trust me to be in the care of a man all for learning the wheels of mathematics?

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teacher molesting student
Source- Voices of San Diego

Our romance continued for a long time. He knew how to play the part; my sweet romance partner at night and the no-nonsense science teacher during the day who beats me harder than others if the need arises. It might seem one cannot keep up an act for too long. The walls started to talk, words flew among my classmates and even some teachers started to raise their eyebrows but no one dared say it out loud. After all, I was the well-behaved brilliant student and he was the good teacher. Every night, we continued on the same dose, except on weekends or days when he had to be in church or had another engagement. And those days made me long for him more. I was too obsessed, I couldn’t bear missing a turn.

 

BLIND MUM, PARANOID DAD… YET I SUNK

My mother was too blinded by my “supposed improvement” in mathematics to entertain any weirdly connected dots but my father had his reservations and swore to my mum he would kill him if he found out he had ulterior motives. My dad’s intuition is hardly wrong, safe to bank on, it always felt like jazz (vodoo) only that this time, the hints were not generous enough to show themselves. In order not to feel like the overly suspicious one, he made less noise about it.

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I kept on enjoying the embrace of my beloved maths teacher. On some days, he apologized after long hours of romance and rambled about how we are so caught up in a ‘bad mix’ but he never stopped. At every slight opportunity, he either stole a quick kiss or fondled my breast. He made me feel special and worked my body in certain ways that caressing no longer did it for me. I wanted more and I started begging for sex but he wouldn’t budge, maybe he was too scared to. I decoded he felt I was too young, so I made it a habit of promising him my virginity after I left secondary school.

 

THE LONG GUILT DESPITE BREAKING THE OBSESSION

I graduated and passed mathematics successfully and our abysmal romance continued but I would say I made that choice because I was already 18. Slowly I started to embrace the world and got butterflies for teenage to teenage love and thus ventured into a relationship that led to a fast death of my romance with my maths teacher.

breaking free from molestation

I have flashbacks and most times, I wish it never happened. He was my shepherd but he failed at caring properly for his sheep. Gaining knowledge of several experiences and reading about pedophilia makes me cringe. Despite working on accepting my past completely, it’s tough to forgive myself. I confronted him for taking advantage of me which he admitted to and apologized. Before then, He tried to pass the blame but I was firm in stating my case. “Yo, I was barely 14 when it started. I can’t remember how it started but I am sure I did not engineer it”. Even if I did, should a grown man accept the advances of a minor? Shouldn’t he have punished me severely and reported me to the school and my parents? But No, unbeknownst to me, what I cherished was birthed out of ignorance by a man exploiting my dysfunctional childhood. 

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I think I heard remorse in his tone but people can fake everything. I had to pretend I fully believe he’s deeply sorry so I could maintain my sanity. Looking back, he had a lot of girls around him, he probably did the same thing to them, though he made me believe he didn’t. I am working on accepting my past completely. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. Unfortunately, I still trust men, for someone who went through a lot with one, I thought a better one would have been compensation but I guess I am not just lucky with them lol.

childhood trauma
Source- Additude

How does one deal with childhood guilt that manifests itself even more especially with similar cases hitting the news daily? It’s like having to stitch a wound and having to reopen it recurrently against your will. Every time I hear a case of pedophilia/ molestation, a part of me breaks. A lot of us have a dark room shut in our hearts, we hope that it remains shut forever, but the mere thought of knowing the room exists is tormenting.

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Do you harbor a dark room too? Could be one that laid its foundation since your childhood or maybe recently. Would you share just like I’ve shared? Have you forgiven yourself? I decided not to abandon the business of living because of my past. I have summoned the courage to say my story. I hope one day, I attach a name to it. More importantly, I hope it encourages you to let go. Let’s talk about these skeletons… Also, what do you make of my experience? Would you have played the cards differently in my shoes? I’ll appreciate your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

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9 min read

It’s weird to say this but it gets easier growing up as a Nigerian Queer. It was quite terrible when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was a lot. We all have our unique stories as gay men growing up in Nigeria but what is cut across the board is alienation from everyone else. You feel different and if you are an effeminate man, you’d be constantly reminded that you are actually different.

My name is Nonso and I grew up in Lagos, with a family of two sisters and a really terrible brother. Terrible because home would have at least felt like home if he didn’t live in it. I think it has more to do with men and their perception of you and how you should think and behave like them cause my dad was also almost like him. When I was six years old or so, I used to play dress-up with my little sister and we would put on a show for dad and mum, the whole family enjoyed watching except for my elder brother. As I grew older, I could see that it also started to disgust my father too. He probably thought I’d grow out of it but I didn’t. He wasn’t violent though, he never was, that was my brother’s job.

siblings rivalry
Source- Deviant Art

I really don’t blame my brother for being violent,  maybe he always wanted a brother and when I was born he was so excited to watch me grow and do ‘manly’ things with him. Well, I tried to like those things but it just wasn’t for me. One time I went to watch football with him and not once did I notice the ball but instead was blown away by the 22 gorgeous men on the field. 

SURVIVING THE OUTER WORLD

The bullying I faced as a child was more psychological than physical. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t exposed to society a lot. I never went out, I went to school and stayed quiet and apologized when I was noticed. The only physical abuse I remember was from my brother. 

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It was easier to survive in the outside world when I learned to be invincible. Talk less so nobody laughs at my voice. Fold my arms so I am not caught gesticulating. Walk around less so nobody laughs at my ass and how I walk like a turkey. With time I was invincible and yeah…it got easier. Didn’t have any friend but I was fine with that.

teenage gay stories in Nigeria
Source- Vadodaran

 

I knew something was wrong with me when I didn’t fancy girls the way my peers did. I remember the first day I got a hard-on when a boy touched me. I belonged to the choir department in the church and this new boy joined us. He sat beside me and started asking loads of questions and every time our eyes met or he touched me, I’d get hard. I moved away and went to sit somewhere else. I was only 14 and my prayer that day was that God amputates my dick or it stops functioning because most times I’d get hard and it won’t go flaccid for a very long time.

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Now school time…I couldn’t bathe in the public bathroom when I stayed in the hostel in university. It was always mad, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. My roommates made fun of me for hiding because they thought I didn’t like people seeing me naked.

What about the time I tried dating a girl? Total disaster!! I resolved to watch heterosexual porn cause I wondered why the boys really liked it. I thought that was why they liked girls or what made their relationship with them smooth. It never worked for me.

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To be honest this phase of my life was the loneliest. The fact that I didn’t know what I was or why I felt how I felt. I also couldn’t talk to my parents about it because I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. 

discovering your sexuality in Africa

WEARING MY TOUGH SKIN

As I grew older, the jokes became stale because it was the same old boring jokes I kept hearing. I tried to fix myself and it didn’t work, so I started to accept myself. Meeting more queer people made me bolder and more vocal about my sexuality.

Read: “I’m a 25-Years-Old Guy, and I Love Boys But…”

The first openly Nigerian queer I met was a breath of new air, finding out I wasn’t alone was the most exhilarating moment of my life. He was an older man, I was underage, naive but very inquisitive. I was in 200level in the university and he sort of took advantage of me by sweet-talking me on how much he liked me and proposing a relationship, just to get my guard down. We started having sex, the first time, I felt very guilty, dirty, and in pain but I wanted more. My body finally got what it wanted but it wasn’t enough. Even though I met the wrong person, I met someone who made my feelings make sense. With time I met more people and found dating sites, I started to learn what exactly I liked and what I didn’t.

coming out as gay in Nigeria

I learned more from people than from any books. I learned about hate from homophobes. I learned about religion. I saw the perspective of religion from religious people. I learned that parents love their children unconditionally: except when they are queer. I learned history and found people that were erased from it. Experience built me.

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

I wouldn’t say I’m out yet. I don’t know what exactly to call mine but I never deny it when the conversation around my sexuality comes up. If I’m not comfortable telling you about my sexuality, I don’t speak about it. For instance, I don’t see myself ever coming out to my parents, until the day they have the courage to have the conversation with me. They make side-talks and remarks about why I do certain things, behave a certain way or have certain kinds of friends but I don’t think these are comfortable grounds to start a conversation about my sexuality. 

cisgender Identity nigerian queer

For my friends, let’s just say I make conscious efforts to keep only non-heterosexual people as friends. The likelihood of me remaining friends with you if you don’t know my sexuality and you are a cisgender (man especially) is very slim. I’m not saying queer people are the best friends to have, I’m saying they are the safer and more rational friends to have. It’s easier to relate when I speak about myself and we learn from each other. Per marriage, I really do not have marriage plans. I don’t think it’s for me. Co- habilitation, definitely. I would want to spend my life staying with the people I love.

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Nobody has an opinion about my sexuality. If I accept you into my space, it’s left for you to come to terms with my sexuality or leave. This is why I have never really been close to my parents because I feel they don’t know enough about me (as parents). I can’t live in the same space with them and still have to hide, especially at the level of growth I am now at. Till they are ready, things will remain this way.

queer parenting in africa
Source- Best Life

THE CRIPPLING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE PROHIBITION ACT (SSMPA)

On a surface level, you may never be able to phantom the cruelty of the SSMPA, especially when you are a non-queer person. But when you consider minorities that are queer, you can at least imagine a fraction of how inhumane life feels like for them (except you own no soul). For instance, a poor fat disabled Muslim queer woman, struggling to survive already as a minority, and the death of all, having a law criminalizing you.

For the average queer person, if your social status protects you from the government, its citizens will use the law as an opportunity to harm you. A part of you is constantly being erased because “the law says…”. Constantly living in fear every day, at every gathering or meeting you are with queer people because you can be arrested, harassed, tortured, or killed with the backing of the law. And then the general overview; the law criminalizes queer marriage and anyone associated with them. Under Islamic or sharia law, it holds a death sentence.

LGBTQ Nigerian queer
Source- NBC news

How cruel…in Bauchi State, a law enforcer pretended to be a gay man to gain access into a meeting held for gay men on HIV/AIDS and its risks and how to have safe sex. He got the names of the people at the event, then arrested one person, used the person to arrest someone else and another and this went on. He would call them for a meeting, arrest them, take them to the police station, beat them up repeatedly and brutally until they finally got 168 names of supposedly gay people. The fact that they could use the phones of someone to contact others; an act that is illegal just shows how much that law validates the brutalization and harassment of queer people. It also shows how it shields younger queer people from learning more about their sexuality and navigating sex and other hurdles in relationships or life in general.

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Do you know what is worrying? The fact that before the law was passed, nobody was coming out proudly to say they are gay and getting accolades. No queer person ever protested marriage. Gay people were already getting beaten, disowned, and killed, so what exactly was the use of the law? It’s sad when you realize it was for political reasons. People’s lives were further endangered for political reasons.

SSMPA Nigerian queer
Source- Huff Post

It’s a wonder that queer people are still fighting and being vocal about being treated like animals with all these really scary circumstances. How bad can it get? As a Nigerian, you cannot exhibit any human right and as a Nigerian queer, you aren’t even recognized enough as human to start with. Nigerian queers are like catmint flowers, so beautiful with enough resistance to survive amongst weed and other harsh conditions. The growth is amazing. I feel so proud to be born in this generation and envy the coming generation. Vocal, and persistent. These are the features you start to grow after overcoming fear. I love it!

 

 YOU’RE ENOUGH!

I would love to round this up by telling young queer people that they are doing enough. Just existing is enough. Accepting yourself is enough. Resisting online with an anonymous account is enough. Navigate your sexuality however you like and with any kind of safety, you can think of, as long as it doesn’t ruin someone else’s life. Make mistakes and get up with your shoulder up because society has not given you enough room to get it right. Remember, the only people that can understand how you feel, are people like you. Queer people. LGBTQI+ people.

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Nigerian queer
Source- Futurelearn

Now I’ll love to ask some questions; to the queers who’ve come out, what other advice would you give to a young Nigerian queer trying to find his/her path in a country whose laws are structured against the LGBTQ community? To the straight folks, in all sincerity, the majority of you make it difficult for us to breathe, what are you willing to do differently as regards the LGBTQ laws in Nigeria? Do you think its fair and should be upheld? I’ll like to know your stand. Lastly, If you’re a queer, or unsure about your sexuality, identify in the comment section, share a bit about you. I’d love to read all of it. It’s pride month! a time of self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and increased visibility. Stab the shame and embrace the glory in your sexuality. Leave me your comments below, this should be an enlightening conversation. 😄👇👇

 

 

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