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Mutterers Club

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9 min read

I like to believe everyone has a romantic love story to share and the crash that came knocking afterward. Good for you if you found the love of your life, clicked a 100, and tied the knot to live happily ever after. You know that’s witchcraft, right? Bad for you if the only love story you got is seeing through the eyes of characters in novels, television, and yeah social media. You’re a coward, you’d rather be alone than stomach a breakup yeah? Well, I hate to break it to you that the moment you give in, your share of heartbreak will be served on a platter. You can’t be as lucky as the witches, never!

MY LOVE STORY

I am not good at romanticizing lines to trigger butterflies in your stomach, I can only beg you to pretend that it’s that romantic a piece so we can arrive at the sole purpose for telling my story. Shall we?

dating and breakups

We met at a youth group meeting, a friend had invited him to come to train us, and I, being part of the organizers of the event, was assigned to follow up with him and see to it that he was going to be available for the training session. So we exchanged numbers and got talking every day with his PowerPoint presentation being the leverage. He let me in on his social phobia, he’s an introvert and had developed frozen feet. I tried my best to encourage him… you know those “Go Boy! You Got This!!” inspiring lines, yeah, they came in handy lol.

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Still talking and now getting cheesy, I found he stayed around my area, and tell you what,  it was one of the most amazing news to have greeted my ears. I’m an indoor girlie who hardly talks to anyone around my area. My routine was to go to work, church, back home, and repeat the process.

Fast forward to months of a beautiful friendship and me getting to know him better,  what I started to feel for him took me back to how I felt towards my high school crush only that this time my crush was my friend and he also had a crush on me too. Jackpot! 

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We were alike on so many levels, it was easy to talk with him for hours non-stop. We shared our fears, our dreams, our plans, and aspirations together. It was only easier for my feelings to cross the boundary of “just friends”, I started liking him more than a friend but I was sure good at pretending. 

talking stage in a relationship

 

YIPEE! HE POPPED THE QUESTION 

“I’m in love with you, will you be my girlfriend?” these words flew out of nowhere while we were having one of our random discussions. OF COURSE!! baby girl was already head over heels in love but was only waiting to be asked, LMAO. 

Read: A Merry Go Round Affair; Should I Leave Her Stranded Now?

We became better friends, it was like we just transitioned from a level of friendship and love to lovers. It would be sometimes hard to tell the difference if you had met us in person. He always looked out for ways to make me better and I also helped him out in ways I could. I felt so loved by him, talk about the time he would send me handwritten letters when he lost his phone to let me know how much he missed me and was thinking about me. Boy, I was in love with this guy and I didn’t see anything that wouldn’t make us work because we were both intentional about showing love to each other. 

how to spice your relationship to avoid a breakup

I’m not the PDA kind of person he was, so he would publicly hold my hands, kiss me quickly when no one was watching (or so we thought), and so many other love gestures I had never experienced before him. I felt treated like a princess, he was quite a gentleman, I confirmed from meeting his parents that they had a great influence on the Man he turned out to be. Sometimes when I close from work or school he would call ahead to know if I was hungry (I was always hungry 😋) and since I’ll have to pass by his house before I got to mine he would call ahead to know if I’ll stop over, he would have cooked noodles, boiled egg and fried plantain for me, it felt too good to be true but cause I knew him as a friend I wasn’t too surprised about his loving nature.  He was very thoughtful about giving gifts, hugs, surprises, and words of encouragement.

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It was my first real relationship in my 25 years of existence as the one I had before him only lasted a month LOL. So let’s say he was my first love (not in the context of first love as regards sex o but love like when you fall deeply in love with someone and you cannot think straight again LOLs).   There was one time I became depressed because I was facing pressure from work,  school, and home.  I was beginning to have suicidal thoughts, it was a hot afternoon and I was late for a meeting, I thought of jumping in front of a moving bus and was waiting for the right type of moving bus, then I thought “let me call him before I die”.  I will never forget his saving words; “Everybody fucking makes mistakes, why will you kill yourself over one?  when you get there, act like you never knew you were late and if they say anything tell them fuck you and go back home”. His last lines made me laugh off my depressed state. I went for the meeting and realized that they had already changed the time and I was an hour early. Yeah, you can say I was blessed with him at that time.

couples at the verge of a breakup

THE ODDS WITH TAKING A BREAK

Seven months down the line, he wanted to start a project and I was in on it big time like I was glad he could finally go for his dreams. He had always talked about starting the project and I was happy. At this time I was also running a program and facing stress from my project supervisor, I was drained financially, was facing home stress, and shuffling a low-paying volunteer work and school together. He was also getting deeply engrossed in work and it was also financially and emotionally draining for him. He became less attentive and I started to nag, he hardly called, and when I called him it was to blame him for not calling before saying that I missed him. 

Read: A Guilt To Live With? My Abortion Story

I guess he couldn’t take my nags anymore but what’s a girl gotta do? He asked for a break to clear his head and after two weeks, he came back and said he was sorry and he wanted us back together again. We picked up from where we left it and continued to support each other every other day. But there’s this thing about taking a break, it leaves a glitch and you find yourself trying too hard not to let it happen again. 

taking a break from a relationship

After a month we started struggling to keep the communication again, he was always sad about things not working out for him at the time and I tried to support and encourage him. I would take him out to eat to cheer him up. Sometimes I show up unannounced, drop him a cooler of his favorite meal, and leave so that he knows I was thinking about him without encroaching in his space.  I started reading books on communication to master the difference between how each gender thinks or communicates. I just wanted to be able to communicate love to him in the best ways possible but I guess I was failing at it. 

 

“WE NEED TO TALK”

Despite the hiccups, we clocked a few weeks and a year of dating, and then one Monday evening, I’ll never forget, I got the ever-dreaded message “we need to talk”. I imagined the worst but not a breakup, but to my surprise, it was it. The reason he gave was that he doesn’t want to string me along and waste my time, he needed to focus on his project and he can’t handle a relationship alongside. 

crying after a breakup

I was in pain. He knew I would wait for him if he had asked,  he knew I was initially scared to let my guards down and fall in love,  he knew that I loved him and would have wanted to stay and fight for love’s sake. I didn’t know how to handle the heartbreak, it was my first, I was too shattered for comfort. 

I had so many questions, What happened to the January 1st promise to fight for our love?  Why know so much about me and still hurt me? Why did he ask me out only to not ask my opinion before deciding on a breakup?  What makes him think I was in a hurry to get married? Why do I feel like he chose his life over me?  Was I really not that important to him or Did he fall out of love with me while my eyes were closed?  I never saw that move coming and no book or anyone had prepared me ahead for this. 

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I told him it’s okay, I believe in forgiveness, love, and friendship irrespective of how people turn out. I owe it to myself and my God to forgive, so I forgave him but I was heartbroken. Remember we were both on a project he was running so I still supported him while healing and trying to relate with him as just friends (I am the ‘My word is my Bond’ kind of person so I never throw any previously good friendship away because of one bad occurrence) but I took a break from being around him. 

friends with your ex after a break up

SHOULD HE CHANGE HIS MIND…

After a few months of nursing my hurt to no avail, I wrote him a handwritten letter too, telling him how much I loved him and want him back if he changes his mind. His response to the letter was “Why?” alongside sad emojis but he didn’t say he loved me back, there and then I knew it wasn’t a “take a break breakup”, it was for real. I felt stupid, I tore his letter to me,  cleared chats, deleted his number, and took time off social media and everything that would make me see him for some months.  Cried every day into my pillow for like 6 months, it took me over a year before I finally made peace with myself. 

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Sometimes I wish I never agreed to be in a relationship with him because what I feared the most happened to me through someone I had loved, plus maybe we would have still been very good friends to date. Other times I am grateful for the times we shared because as hurtful as the breakup was I know what to expect from a man,  I deserve to be loved and cherished, I also deserve to be fought for irrespective of circumstances and I know I’ll do the same too to whoever comes my way. 

dreaming of your ex after a breakup

After about a year and some months, I now see him with his new girlfriend,  sometimes it hurts because I wonder if he was really saying the truth when he said he couldn’t handle relationships alongside the project. He’s successful and even handles bigger projects now, was that an excuse to get me off the way? was I really the problem?  These questions I might never get answers to because we are not as close anymore, we talk but just casually, and the friendship we once shared, dead! 

Read: Vent Room! An Unsent Letter To Your Exes

One lesson I learned through all of these was that I could have communicated clearly with him when I noticed him pulling away instead of nagging. I could have asked him about how he felt about the relationship before the pressure of work started weighing in on us. This should have helped right? Now I am very big on communication, communicating clearly without pointing fingers, listening without judging, and talking about issues before they become too hard to solve.

breakup and communication
Source- New York Times

RECALLING YOURS AND THE LESSON

Yeah yeah like I pleaded with you at the beginning of the read to pretend that it’s a romatic read so we arrive at the sole purpose of telling my story. So Uju (Admin) reached out to me, asking if I’ll love to share my most memorable breakup story and the lessons with hopes that you too, can also recall yours and the lessons you learned.

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You see the thing about breakups is that no party is ever too confident to voice their faults in all of it. We mostly enjoy painting our exes as the villain (lowkey I think mine was lol) but deep down we learned a lesson or two and acknowledge our faults. It’s the purpose of this post.

Mind sharing your most memorable breakup experience, how it made you feel, the lessons and most importantly bearing your faults all out? This should be fun, lowkey warming up to laugh too. Leave your comments below😁👇👇.

8 min read

Before you kick off reading my story, I’ll need you to bear in mind that I don’t buy into this crap of a statement that “the church is for perfecting, not for perfect people”, for these nine worded bullocks only excels at being the leverage to commit sins with impunity. And for the ones who are quick to clench to the sermon of grace being in abundance, hence committing recurrent evils, I hope your waterloo is not far-fetched.

 I love God and I know He loves me so much that there is no external judgment that can limit his love for me. I was born into a spiritual family. My Dad was our role model, he loved the things of God and also gave to the church. But as I grew, I began to witness the envy rooted in the church, members competing against each other and all these made my brain itch as I couldn’t reconcile the words of the bible compared to the actions of the people.

the church ills

The Triggers Started To Play Dirty…

Then the rug was pulled off my feet when my pastor, a man who I held as a mentor and somewhat the people’s savior, handed my father over to the police for a case that just needed a few elders sitting to be resolved. My pastor’s son had a rift with my aunty and my dad had only returned from work to meet the mess but before he could say jack, the police were already in our house and bundled my dad and others to the station. Tell you what, after the police read the statement, they dismissed it immediately on grounds that it was an issue best settled at home. Why wasn’t the so-called man of God able to settle it? Why didn’t he let love lead as he usually preached?

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For months, my family stopped attending church services and took to worshipping at home to avoid further triggers. But you know how our mothers can be, always feeling the need to draw the home to God, so we moved to another church. The new church appeared quite stable because you know the thing about rolling with unfamiliar faces, you just do your shit and leave, this was our case. 

the church

Not long before I embarked on a personal study on the word of God and began to ask questions especially on these so-called miracles and revivals that seemed to be the most projected church attribute at the time. I got no answers because here in this part of the world “you don’t question the Holy Spirit”. With time, I realized that all the displays were maybe a little backed by God but for certain, had more psychological backing or should I say manipulation. Like people use quotes to justify bad behaviors, church leaders are guilty of this too, but their weapon is biblical quotes.

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For example, the bible says, “ye are the light of the world”, which means that you are the ones to lead the people in the knowledge of things in the world. But in churches, this bible verse is restricted to the church. Just a few churches appreciate it when one uses  their gift/talent in the secular world, the rest expect you to use it for “only Jesus”, which is funny because even the same bible says  “that the gift of a man will make way for him”. How do you limit one’s gift and not support them in their endeavor? For instance, in every service you see the talented pianist giving his best, not even a token to show appreciation despite the numerous offerings huh? And then it becomes a grave sin when he goes circular and starts getting paid what he’s worth?  I’ve never seen a unit that turns a blind eye to empowerment as much as the church does, at this point, even the government has a better profile. And when someone dies in cases like depression and all, nobody tries to look back at what made it happen…the next day church continues. The event of suicide will even be used as either sermon or testimony.

the sins of the church

Covid! A Revealer Of Secrets And A Blessing In Disguise

Early 2019, I became exhausted from church activities with news of rape, online fraud, and other unexplainable events no one will ever believe happened within the four walls of a church or were carried out by staunch members of it. Not to go into vivid details enough to warrant name callings, but it was that bad, victims were silenced and blackmailed by top church leaders to save face and uphold church name.

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Then, the rebel in me began to ask questions, “why?” and “how?”. I felt so much anger and pain mostly because God became a silent watcher and the ones he assigned to do so on his behalf ended up betraying us.  The crazy part is that the prey is revered by all and sundry. No one dares talk ill of him, because there is one stupid member ready to give his life for him. Holiness became a facade, the church was a disguised cult ground.

the church sins
Source- This Day Live

Then came COVID-19, The revealer of secrets. For some reason, victims started to find their voice all thanks to social media. Could you imagine the pastor picking ladies in the choir one after the other, seducing them, and raping those who wouldn’t yield? And his wife has no remorse but chose to blackmail these ladies? It even led to a Facebook fracas, all I could say was “Alas! Jesus!” 

Read: A Crispy Take on why I Became A Religion Non-conformist

The lockdown gave me the understanding that there is no need for us to put any man before God. We were at home, because of the virus. No church, no seeing the pastor (even tho, some still did in their neighborhood). We called on God’s help and he answered. The lockdown removed the dust from my eyes as I found a closer relationship with my creator, I was able to separate the reality of life from religion. How God even expects us to think like humans and not like morons. Pastors are like us, mere mortals, so no need making them feel like God, instead we should spread love and light among people.

worshipping your pastor instead of God
Source- Gavin Alegho

The War Against Humanity…

I am against the war against humanity which is evident in churches. Christianity is supposed to help humans become better but the church only cares about milking members with numerous offerings and whatnot. They care less about members’ quality of life, but more interested in manipulating members into slavery whilst backing up with biblical bullocks. Is it too hard to see that the biblical days are far more different from this era? Why expect discipleship like that of the old? Can’t tell me anything, religion in this part of the world is strictly business.

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I’ve had my share of bad dealings with the church and I don’t want any more of it. If I look past the happenings around me and don’t move, I might be crushed by the moving train. Slow for you to ever think that these so-called pastors are non-partisan. They have friends everywhere; in the police, army, politics, and all. In a lawless country like Nigeria, you cannot fight them. They can take the life of man without thinking of God. And Someone advises waiting on Karma?! Till you die, Karma may never show up, then you begin to feel that God is partial. I put it to you that church war is worse than family war, a person will be on the side forming ‘Jesus baby’, unbeknownst to them the other person has gone diabolical.

diabolic practice in church
Source- One Earth Future

I have not gone to church for a while, but I have never missed out on God’s unimaginable love. When church folks come at me with the “Do not forsake the gathering of the brethren” lines, I ask, what if I don’t want to gather with the brethren? Also, the spiritual growth usually emphasized is a continuous journey based on building one’s faith and faith they say comes by hearing, and hearing the word of God. So if I listen to sermons that help build my faith without going to church, I am okay I believe. Spiritual growth is not about being in one department or the other in church. If your pastor’s sermon is not enough to make you study the word of God and understand it for yourself, is it joining the ushering department or choir that helps you grow spiritually? I think not. Church departments are no different from social gatherings, they help you relate better with other members and if care is not taken, see finish ruins it.

Read: Christians, Was It A Miracle or By Force?

The journey of life is personal to every man. Man made these rules to control others. As humans, we are all gifted with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, just that we are too anxious and out of place to know.

hate the church

If our hearts are filled with fewer worries, and as we ask, we wait, listen and meditate on God’s words and know how to apply them to our daily lives, we are good. Sometimes, the gathering of the brethren causes envy, strife, lies, even killings…unnecessary beef.

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Hey reader, like me, did you also stop attending church? I’d love to know your trigger. Why did you forsake the gathering of the brethren? And how have you felt since then? Much better or worse? If at some point you neglected the church and came back much later, I’d appreciate it if you could take us through that journey of discovery, perhaps it could help.  Also to those who eventually turned atheist in the process, it’ll be pleasing to learn of your triggers too. To the church folks reading this, why is it always a cause for drags when someone says they no longer attend church?

Not in a bid to cause any strife, let’s just have this sincere conversation in the comment section😄👇.

 

 

 

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7 min read

Each passing day, all I have left are the trails of the event, not how it started. It all made sense now what my dad said about “enemies lurking in the courtyard and perpetrators being your close ones”. It took me 7 years to realize I held myself hostage for a crime I did not commit. I beat myself up emotionally for failing when I did not know better.

There was this wave of adulthood I felt and I was barely 14. I became really guarded and secretive. I wanted to prove myself worthy of love. I was hungry for affection and Care. I needed someone to call my own. Guess it’s what they often say about the odds of being birth in a polygamous family; mine was built by an aging father. My ever-busy mum had just me and my introverted sister in a colony where everyone fought for themselves. I was alone, trying to navigate the sharks and perks of teenagehood. One thing was non-negotiable for my sister and me; quality education and I compensated by excelling in everything except mathematics. Getting a tutor for extra maths classes was the best move for my parents but the beginning of my woes.

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romance with my teacher

AN ANGELIC DEMON

Dreaded by all,  good with words but better with the whip…although deficient in looks, his genius brain was a glory to behold. He was a science teacher in my school, very charming in a weird way every girl would kill for a spot at his table. My smart mouth and my mother’s money secured me one and alas, he became my tutor in mathematics. The formulas remained a difficult nut to crack for my brain but the more I deteriorated in comprehending, the more he was relentless in making sure it sank. He listened, he cared not just about my academics but my wellbeing. He asked my opinion on things, was bothered if I had eaten, helped shape my dreams, and importantly, made me believe I was worthy. He was everything my parents were not. Before long, I fell helpless in love or better still in romance with him, my maths tutor. I was 14!

Read: From Abuse to Addiction

His favorite place was the science laboratory except he was parading to lay hold of a scapegoat roaming the corridor (You know how it is in secondary schools). I was not in science class but I stayed in the lab even more than the keeper. School usually closed at 4 pm after which I’ll start my extra class by 4:30 pm with a junior male student whose class ended by 6:30 pm while mine continued. 

romance with my maths teacher in the lab
Source- Vox

Like I mentioned at the beginning, I have no vivid memory of how the romance with my teacher blossomed into light, I just found myself in the mix of getting bewitched by his charms which I always enjoyed. Mathematics was hard but there was something about him that made failing really nice. I did not get better at solving maths problems but I looked forward to his soothing caress after every failed attempt. He scolds me, I shed a tear or more and he brings me close, and hugs me really tight. He smelt really good then but picking up the smell now makes my head swim. He was good at scolding yet made me feel good at the same time. Before I knew it, we’ll start kissing, he’ll fondle my tender breasts and subdue my mouth with his extra full lips while his tongue went down my throat and his finger worked my clitoris. 

HE UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT

I always felt shrills down to my feet. He knew when and how to touch me and likewise tutored me how to fondle his penis instead of holding the lab cabinet while I moaned gently in the dark with no one in sight. One creepy occurrence was when my eyes caught the lab skeleton in a corner with its jagged jaw. It felt like it wore this look of surprise and sorry for me at the same time. How did I become this? How did my parents trust me to be in the care of a man all for learning the wheels of mathematics?

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teacher molesting student
Source- Voices of San Diego

Our romance continued for a long time. He knew how to play the part; my sweet romance partner at night and the no-nonsense science teacher during the day who beats me harder than others if the need arises. It might seem one cannot keep up an act for too long. The walls started to talk, words flew among my classmates and even some teachers started to raise their eyebrows but no one dared say it out loud. After all, I was the well-behaved brilliant student and he was the good teacher. Every night, we continued on the same dose, except on weekends or days when he had to be in church or had another engagement. And those days made me long for him more. I was too obsessed, I couldn’t bear missing a turn.

 

BLIND MUM, PARANOID DAD… YET I SUNK

My mother was too blinded by my “supposed improvement” in mathematics to entertain any weirdly connected dots but my father had his reservations and swore to my mum he would kill him if he found out he had ulterior motives. My dad’s intuition is hardly wrong, safe to bank on, it always felt like jazz (vodoo) only that this time, the hints were not generous enough to show themselves. In order not to feel like the overly suspicious one, he made less noise about it.

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I kept on enjoying the embrace of my beloved maths teacher. On some days, he apologized after long hours of romance and rambled about how we are so caught up in a ‘bad mix’ but he never stopped. At every slight opportunity, he either stole a quick kiss or fondled my breast. He made me feel special and worked my body in certain ways that caressing no longer did it for me. I wanted more and I started begging for sex but he wouldn’t budge, maybe he was too scared to. I decoded he felt I was too young, so I made it a habit of promising him my virginity after I left secondary school.

 

THE LONG GUILT DESPITE BREAKING THE OBSESSION

I graduated and passed mathematics successfully and our abysmal romance continued but I would say I made that choice because I was already 18. Slowly I started to embrace the world and got butterflies for teenage to teenage love and thus ventured into a relationship that led to a fast death of my romance with my maths teacher.

breaking free from molestation

I have flashbacks and most times, I wish it never happened. He was my shepherd but he failed at caring properly for his sheep. Gaining knowledge of several experiences and reading about pedophilia makes me cringe. Despite working on accepting my past completely, it’s tough to forgive myself. I confronted him for taking advantage of me which he admitted to and apologized. Before then, He tried to pass the blame but I was firm in stating my case. “Yo, I was barely 14 when it started. I can’t remember how it started but I am sure I did not engineer it”. Even if I did, should a grown man accept the advances of a minor? Shouldn’t he have punished me severely and reported me to the school and my parents? But No, unbeknownst to me, what I cherished was birthed out of ignorance by a man exploiting my dysfunctional childhood. 

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I think I heard remorse in his tone but people can fake everything. I had to pretend I fully believe he’s deeply sorry so I could maintain my sanity. Looking back, he had a lot of girls around him, he probably did the same thing to them, though he made me believe he didn’t. I am working on accepting my past completely. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. Unfortunately, I still trust men, for someone who went through a lot with one, I thought a better one would have been compensation but I guess I am not just lucky with them lol.

childhood trauma
Source- Additude

How does one deal with childhood guilt that manifests itself even more especially with similar cases hitting the news daily? It’s like having to stitch a wound and having to reopen it recurrently against your will. Every time I hear a case of pedophilia/ molestation, a part of me breaks. A lot of us have a dark room shut in our hearts, we hope that it remains shut forever, but the mere thought of knowing the room exists is tormenting.

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Do you harbor a dark room too? Could be one that laid its foundation since your childhood or maybe recently. Would you share just like I’ve shared? Have you forgiven yourself? I decided not to abandon the business of living because of my past. I have summoned the courage to say my story. I hope one day, I attach a name to it. More importantly, I hope it encourages you to let go. Let’s talk about these skeletons… Also, what do you make of my experience? Would you have played the cards differently in my shoes? I’ll appreciate your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

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9 min read

It’s weird to say this but it gets easier growing up as a Nigerian Queer. It was quite terrible when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was a lot. We all have our unique stories as gay men growing up in Nigeria but what is cut across the board is alienation from everyone else. You feel different and if you are an effeminate man, you’d be constantly reminded that you are actually different.

My name is Nonso and I grew up in Lagos, with a family of two sisters and a really terrible brother. Terrible because home would have at least felt like home if he didn’t live in it. I think it has more to do with men and their perception of you and how you should think and behave like them cause my dad was also almost like him. When I was six years old or so, I used to play dress-up with my little sister and we would put on a show for dad and mum, the whole family enjoyed watching except for my elder brother. As I grew older, I could see that it also started to disgust my father too. He probably thought I’d grow out of it but I didn’t. He wasn’t violent though, he never was, that was my brother’s job.

siblings rivalry
Source- Deviant Art

I really don’t blame my brother for being violent,  maybe he always wanted a brother and when I was born he was so excited to watch me grow and do ‘manly’ things with him. Well, I tried to like those things but it just wasn’t for me. One time I went to watch football with him and not once did I notice the ball but instead was blown away by the 22 gorgeous men on the field. 

SURVIVING THE OUTER WORLD

The bullying I faced as a child was more psychological than physical. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t exposed to society a lot. I never went out, I went to school and stayed quiet and apologized when I was noticed. The only physical abuse I remember was from my brother. 

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It was easier to survive in the outside world when I learned to be invincible. Talk less so nobody laughs at my voice. Fold my arms so I am not caught gesticulating. Walk around less so nobody laughs at my ass and how I walk like a turkey. With time I was invincible and yeah…it got easier. Didn’t have any friend but I was fine with that.

teenage gay stories in Nigeria
Source- Vadodaran

 

I knew something was wrong with me when I didn’t fancy girls the way my peers did. I remember the first day I got a hard-on when a boy touched me. I belonged to the choir department in the church and this new boy joined us. He sat beside me and started asking loads of questions and every time our eyes met or he touched me, I’d get hard. I moved away and went to sit somewhere else. I was only 14 and my prayer that day was that God amputates my dick or it stops functioning because most times I’d get hard and it won’t go flaccid for a very long time.

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Now school time…I couldn’t bathe in the public bathroom when I stayed in the hostel in university. It was always mad, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. My roommates made fun of me for hiding because they thought I didn’t like people seeing me naked.

What about the time I tried dating a girl? Total disaster!! I resolved to watch heterosexual porn cause I wondered why the boys really liked it. I thought that was why they liked girls or what made their relationship with them smooth. It never worked for me.

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To be honest this phase of my life was the loneliest. The fact that I didn’t know what I was or why I felt how I felt. I also couldn’t talk to my parents about it because I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. 

discovering your sexuality in Africa

WEARING MY TOUGH SKIN

As I grew older, the jokes became stale because it was the same old boring jokes I kept hearing. I tried to fix myself and it didn’t work, so I started to accept myself. Meeting more queer people made me bolder and more vocal about my sexuality.

Read: “I’m a 25-Years-Old Guy, and I Love Boys But…”

The first openly Nigerian queer I met was a breath of new air, finding out I wasn’t alone was the most exhilarating moment of my life. He was an older man, I was underage, naive but very inquisitive. I was in 200level in the university and he sort of took advantage of me by sweet-talking me on how much he liked me and proposing a relationship, just to get my guard down. We started having sex, the first time, I felt very guilty, dirty, and in pain but I wanted more. My body finally got what it wanted but it wasn’t enough. Even though I met the wrong person, I met someone who made my feelings make sense. With time I met more people and found dating sites, I started to learn what exactly I liked and what I didn’t.

coming out as gay in Nigeria

I learned more from people than from any books. I learned about hate from homophobes. I learned about religion. I saw the perspective of religion from religious people. I learned that parents love their children unconditionally: except when they are queer. I learned history and found people that were erased from it. Experience built me.

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

I wouldn’t say I’m out yet. I don’t know what exactly to call mine but I never deny it when the conversation around my sexuality comes up. If I’m not comfortable telling you about my sexuality, I don’t speak about it. For instance, I don’t see myself ever coming out to my parents, until the day they have the courage to have the conversation with me. They make side-talks and remarks about why I do certain things, behave a certain way or have certain kinds of friends but I don’t think these are comfortable grounds to start a conversation about my sexuality. 

cisgender Identity nigerian queer

For my friends, let’s just say I make conscious efforts to keep only non-heterosexual people as friends. The likelihood of me remaining friends with you if you don’t know my sexuality and you are a cisgender (man especially) is very slim. I’m not saying queer people are the best friends to have, I’m saying they are the safer and more rational friends to have. It’s easier to relate when I speak about myself and we learn from each other. Per marriage, I really do not have marriage plans. I don’t think it’s for me. Co- habilitation, definitely. I would want to spend my life staying with the people I love.

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Nobody has an opinion about my sexuality. If I accept you into my space, it’s left for you to come to terms with my sexuality or leave. This is why I have never really been close to my parents because I feel they don’t know enough about me (as parents). I can’t live in the same space with them and still have to hide, especially at the level of growth I am now at. Till they are ready, things will remain this way.

queer parenting in africa
Source- Best Life

THE CRIPPLING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE PROHIBITION ACT (SSMPA)

On a surface level, you may never be able to phantom the cruelty of the SSMPA, especially when you are a non-queer person. But when you consider minorities that are queer, you can at least imagine a fraction of how inhumane life feels like for them (except you own no soul). For instance, a poor fat disabled Muslim queer woman, struggling to survive already as a minority, and the death of all, having a law criminalizing you.

For the average queer person, if your social status protects you from the government, its citizens will use the law as an opportunity to harm you. A part of you is constantly being erased because “the law says…”. Constantly living in fear every day, at every gathering or meeting you are with queer people because you can be arrested, harassed, tortured, or killed with the backing of the law. And then the general overview; the law criminalizes queer marriage and anyone associated with them. Under Islamic or sharia law, it holds a death sentence.

LGBTQ Nigerian queer
Source- NBC news

How cruel…in Bauchi State, a law enforcer pretended to be a gay man to gain access into a meeting held for gay men on HIV/AIDS and its risks and how to have safe sex. He got the names of the people at the event, then arrested one person, used the person to arrest someone else and another and this went on. He would call them for a meeting, arrest them, take them to the police station, beat them up repeatedly and brutally until they finally got 168 names of supposedly gay people. The fact that they could use the phones of someone to contact others; an act that is illegal just shows how much that law validates the brutalization and harassment of queer people. It also shows how it shields younger queer people from learning more about their sexuality and navigating sex and other hurdles in relationships or life in general.

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Do you know what is worrying? The fact that before the law was passed, nobody was coming out proudly to say they are gay and getting accolades. No queer person ever protested marriage. Gay people were already getting beaten, disowned, and killed, so what exactly was the use of the law? It’s sad when you realize it was for political reasons. People’s lives were further endangered for political reasons.

SSMPA Nigerian queer
Source- Huff Post

It’s a wonder that queer people are still fighting and being vocal about being treated like animals with all these really scary circumstances. How bad can it get? As a Nigerian, you cannot exhibit any human right and as a Nigerian queer, you aren’t even recognized enough as human to start with. Nigerian queers are like catmint flowers, so beautiful with enough resistance to survive amongst weed and other harsh conditions. The growth is amazing. I feel so proud to be born in this generation and envy the coming generation. Vocal, and persistent. These are the features you start to grow after overcoming fear. I love it!

 

 YOU’RE ENOUGH!

I would love to round this up by telling young queer people that they are doing enough. Just existing is enough. Accepting yourself is enough. Resisting online with an anonymous account is enough. Navigate your sexuality however you like and with any kind of safety, you can think of, as long as it doesn’t ruin someone else’s life. Make mistakes and get up with your shoulder up because society has not given you enough room to get it right. Remember, the only people that can understand how you feel, are people like you. Queer people. LGBTQI+ people.

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Nigerian queer
Source- Futurelearn

Now I’ll love to ask some questions; to the queers who’ve come out, what other advice would you give to a young Nigerian queer trying to find his/her path in a country whose laws are structured against the LGBTQ community? To the straight folks, in all sincerity, the majority of you make it difficult for us to breathe, what are you willing to do differently as regards the LGBTQ laws in Nigeria? Do you think its fair and should be upheld? I’ll like to know your stand. Lastly, If you’re a queer, or unsure about your sexuality, identify in the comment section, share a bit about you. I’d love to read all of it. It’s pride month! a time of self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and increased visibility. Stab the shame and embrace the glory in your sexuality. Leave me your comments below, this should be an enlightening conversation. 😄👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

This might be the most selfish story you’ve ever read, but my heart wants what it wants. Hear me out and put yourself in my shoes, after all, we live in a dog-eat-dog world, right?

About two months ago at my workplace as a content creator, I  met this awesome lady, Kemi. She is a young Nigerian lawyer who serves as our legal consultant and content vetter. Although we were both employed on the same day, I had resumed work immediately at our Ibadan office while she was freelancing from Lagos, not until 3 weeks later, she relocated to Ibadan to join us.  To be honest, despite my being somewhat reserved around girls, I didn’t really like Kemi’s looks at first sight: she’s considerably shorter than me (I prefer taller girls), she’s black in complexion (I prefer lighter-skinned girls), she’s slim (oh, I love ‘em curvy and hippy and booby), and she isn’t that pretty without makeup (I have got a soft spot for natural beauty). 

Read: Finding Your Spec and Its Flip Sides

types of butt shapes her man

The first day was just a bland chitchat cum introduction. We talked about our origins and where we live in  Ibadan. I told her how I got to live in Oyo State (through NYSC) and we shared our undergrad experiences and life after finishing school. We didn’t really talk that much that day because my attention was focused on the job on my table, which took me the whole day. Yelps, creative thinking, and writing can be so draining and time-consuming! 

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Surprisingly, despite her not meeting my “visual spec”, I found a pal and chatmate in Kemi. My talks with the guys revolved more around work, cause they’re my seniors, married, and were training me for the new job I had just started with the firm. So, Kemi brought in some spice to my boring work life. Her table used to be next to mine until she was moved to a separate office. We gossiped about stuff like law and politics, our colleagues and boss, life in Ibadan,  and one or two other personal stuff. Gradually, I’ve become attracted to her intelligence (you can call me  ‘sapiosexual’, ikr), her sense of humor and sweet voice (my weakness, ugh! She has great command of the English language too), and her somewhat large dull eyes (I somehow love girls with big eyes lol,  don’t  know why). She has a nice personality and is resourceful in providing info on some of the things I ask (on legal matters and other stuff).  

coworkers romance her man

When she was moved to a new office, I was happy she’d gotten her own space, but was sad she was leaving my side. Absence they say makes the heart grow fonder, and this became my portion. Seeing her means I have to go over to her new office. This comes with the perks of being able to flirt and joke in her new space freely without the other colleagues connecting any obvious dots even though they can smell the fish as I more often spend many minutes inside her office before returning to my table (she vets most of my writings and I spoil her with fruit salads and movies which I download using our limited office Wi-Fi. Lol, crook like me!). 

TO MAKE A MOVE OR MOVE ON?

The obvious truth is that feelings are beginning to creep in from my side (don’t know about her). I am not sure if I should make a move for her. I like to take things slow and steady, especially matters of the heart. Even though I’m more logical than emotional, I still catch feelings, dammit! Jokingly we address each other as “my office boyfriend” and “my office girlfriend” because the friendship bond between us is growing stronger. When I enquired about her relationship life, she told me she was no longer in the dating market (whatever that means), that she has a guy she’s serious with, and that she cannot even consider marrying an Igbo man (I’m Igbo) because of potential troubles from her Yoruba family. And that was the only straw that broke the camel’s back lol. I hadn’t even started to make my move and I had already got the inkling that it wasn’t gonna work. I was emotionally paralyzed. I wanted more than just office companionship from Kemi. 

last straw quote her man

MY INTENTIONS

Actually, personally, I don’t think I’m yet ready for a committed relationship. I know I’m a proudly independent and a commitment-phobe (I’m kinda haunted by my parents’ dry and once turbulent marriage that I feel I’ll be a relationship tyrant like my dad.) which is probably why I’m still single  at 27 with no committed relationship with a girl. It’s kinda frustrating, coupled with my stutter-induced introversion and brokeness lol (relationship and love for Naija na money o. No girl wants to date you if you’re not reasonably comfortable in life and if you ain’t gonna spend reasonably on her). 

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Also, It’s difficult to find an irreligious Nigerian girl for a serious relationship, though. Aaargh!!! This is the pain that we Nigerian atheists and agnostics experience when you don’t wanna have to compromise your convictions by dating religious women. 

black romantic couple her man

All I want from Kemi Is just an emotional closeness outside work (movie dates, walks in the park,  restaurant outings, house visits, etc.) which of course will lead to a kiss and possibly I get to see her underpants and have her screaming my name when I smash her red potty with our bodies slick with sweat and desire. Hey, don’t judge me, please! In essence,  friends with benefits is all I want from her, without commitment. While I have been thinking of how my friendship with Kemi would advance her to my bed, my nemesis caught up with me:  emotional attachment. I’m starting to get possessive and jealous about her relationship with her boyfriend. 

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She always does video chats every blessed day with him in her office, and she seems to be happy with him. He earns more than I do in his working place, has a car he can borrow at will (I know a  little about him because one of my ‘village people’ is his colleague). He’s also religious like Kemi while I’m an agnostic former church boy. Kemi once told me her boyfriend is often boring and I guess she enjoys my company as much as I do hers. But she finds it appalling that a young Nigerian man like me doesn’t give much thought to African spirituality and organized religion as a whole. Kemi seems turned off by my irreligion and has asked me out to church for company. I’m hesitant about accompanying a girl to church. It doesn’t end well for me cause I don’t get to date or bang her afterward. I’m not a fuckboy per se, but I don’t wanna be a religious woman’s wrapper or head tie either. 

theist vs atheist her man

I WANT TO BE HER FIRST CHOICE!

I don’t like to be the second choice,  just like everyone else. Thing is, as it stands now, I don’t even know what I want to do. I like Kemi and I keep fantasizing about her perky boobs and how they’ll feel on my tongue. No relationship strings! The emotions I feel for her can be enough, for now, maybe it will metamorphose into something beautiful but until then, I want sex and play buddy in Kemi. I’ve hinted to her about something more between us but she doesn’t seem interested or is waiting for me to shoot my shot, or just playing me?  

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There was a day she wiggled her bum for me in her office while dancing to some music, and I got confused if she was sending any signal or just messing with my head (Lol, that day I was so tempted to go over and grind her ass but I restrained myself). I’m so hooked on her friendship and nice persona. I mean, you’d say I’m trapped in the fucking dreary friendzone! Aaargh!!! Not again! Dunno how to explain how I got here with Kemi! 

friendship zone her man
Source- Chicago Tribune

I’m aware she has a man but I want her so badly, not as a second choice. Common, I know I should be faithful to the bro code but mehn! It’s a dog-eat-dog world, right? Nigga’s are not smiling and I can bet that if the script was flipped and Kemi happens to be my woman, there’ll be some other guy who wouldn’t consider how I feel when he starts to chase her. Damn her man! I want her! Right now, it’s a ‘let the best man win’ situation for me.  Yes her man has more money than I do, what if he doesn’t know how to fuck her right or give her the tender love and care like I can? If she truly loves him, why will she wiggle her butt in front of me? That’s so calling and I figure there’s more she’s not saying. Also, why does it seem like she enjoys my company too much as she’s always giggling at my jokes lol? Who knows she might like me back yeah? 

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Do you think I have a chance of getting any ‘benefits’ from our friendship if I continue to be in her face? Will it be too direct or creepy to request for such a benefit or does it happen naturally? Even though she’s not my spec, I cannot stop drooling over how it feels to have her in my bed. Niggas please help me!! when a lady has a man, should it be an automatic backoff or should I still shoot my shot? How do I get Kemi to be mine forever (maybe). Ladies! I know how funny your gender is, but from your knowledge, do you think Kemi wants me badly too but is only pretending? Please advise a brother, Leave your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

 

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8 min read

What makes good sex? One party on the receiving end or both parties riding each other dirty like it’s the last sex of their lifetime? For me, it’s the latter, I enjoy reciprocity when I’m having sex with a woman. Teach me how to touch you to orgasm while I teach you the trick to make me cum. This way, we’re both happy huh? But not a lot of ladies know how to please a man in bed. All most ladies know how to do is stick to an irritating missionary like an ugly log of wood, sex game is whack! and they’re not willing to learn but expect that a man does all the work. Hell No! Madam landlady stand up and come and be going; sex wasn’t so great. You dey vex me!

For a while now I’ve been out of the game. Lol, yea! That game (sex).  I’ve got friends that can’t live without the chase; they never get tired but for me, chasing is mostly whenever I really want some different kind of sex or a new adventure, but mehn it’s never about relationship! 

sex game is whack

You see, part of what gets me tired about chasing new girls is that the sex is almost never great.  Yea, 8 out of 10.  What’s the point of going through all that stress if the sex is still going to be bad anyway? You see, whenever I’m lucky enough to meet a girl that’s good in bed, I don’t only stick around but it encourages me to flirt even more with different girls, hoping to get more & more sex because mehn! I’ll give anything for a good sex streak. 

 

WHY WON’T SHE KISS ME, FEEL ME, OR…

So I met this girl (let’s call her Zoe), we flirted for a bit, and we exchanged numbers & the next week we’re in bed. All things seem to fall into place as I’m able to finally slip my hands into her boobs.  I mean, Zoe gives the usual inviting ‘stop’… you know the girl’s thing but her words start to fade as I slowly bite her neck.  I love me a sensitive girl but Zoe’s sensitivity is on a different level. 

sex game is whack
Source- Health Magazine

My breath close to her ears gives her chills as I can see her feet vibrate as I suckle her ear lobs, my hand still on her boobs.  Neck kisses, boobs, ears & it goes on & on for about 1hr30mins.  I can tell she’s having the foreplay of her life. But something’s off! Why won’t she kiss me, feel me or try to please me too? I like nice things too you know…

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Well, I know she sure had fun but don’t know how to rate this day for myself; surely it was an inevitable test of patience . She was ON so we didn’t have sex. Man’s left with blue balls but thank god for my right hand, I must please myself if I must survive the night abi wetin man go do?

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I’m counting the calendar days & you can’t tell me 10days is not enough.   Of course, I’ve been caring all the days between – “How was work?” “Please take some rest”, “I can’t get you off my mind”. I mean, I hate texting but you really need to show that you care…

AND A HORRIBLE SEX FOLLOWED…

So it’s 10days after & we link up at my place.  You can tell we’ve both been waiting for the moment.  She hasn’t even stayed long & she wants to be going.  Go where? Or are you lost baby girl? I put the work on her neck – now I can see the hickey so I strip down! Are you shy? Okay, I’ll turn off the light.

sex game is whack
Source- Rolling Stone

I like to show off the big man (my dick), he’s 7.6 inches must be regarded as a separate entity.  I call him KING and expect he be treated as such.  Jokes apart every girl should know how to fondle a man’s dick. Forget foreplay, now we are having the sex of our lives or so I think; listening to how her breathe fade, I can barely see her eyes.  As it lasts longer she obviously enjoys it more & me less.  Wetin dey happen sef? Zoe still doesn’t agree to kiss me or remove her shirt or bra completely. She removes just her shorts & pants & deep down I’m really starting to vex. 

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Zoe is tall, clean, pretty & light-skinned.  A perfect spec but why’d she be trying to pretend like she’s not into the sex?  Now I’m certain it’s her ego.  In my mind, I’m like “lol, I wish I could record you just so you see how your facial expressions gave you away”.

sex game is whack

Sex’s still on! down to the second round & notice me doing all the work.  Zoe’s still laying flat on the bed, eyes shut, legs open, lips smirking – I whisper to her “can you ride my dick?” No response as we start to tip over the bed. “Zoe we falling… can you adjust a bit?” Now it’s clear Zoe can’t do a thing unaided.  I lift her back into the bed as we continue sex in the pretzel dip position.  

Binge Read!! My First Sex Experience Series

Let’s doggy & as usual, I literally have to turn her and set her hands myself. mehn! the girl is so lazy. Five seconds in & Zoe can no longer hold a doggy as she sinks back into the bed. We slowly transition into a flatiron position. You see if you want to maximize your thrust in this position simply slip a pillow between her belly and the bed; in my case, I slip two pillows and can hear her moan change. Zoe is now seeing stars. I give you all this and can’t imagine I’m still begging for a ride.  Baby come be my cowgirl. 

sex game is whack

MISSING TEMI

For a second I shut my eyes & all I see is Temi.  11 months down the line & I swear I still see her in my dreams.  Damn, I’ve never had sex that great!   Temi gave me the ride of my life.  I could imagine the best moment of our sex.  You see the best moment of cowgirl is when she slightly tilts backward as your dick bends slightly and the uppermost part of her vagina concentrates on the cap region of your dick.  Mehn how do I describe the feeling? Feels as though something tight wraps on your dick & slowly pull out your semen.  Mehn this is how to treat a 7.6 inches KING.  You do this and you’ll hear any guy moan. This was the cloud 9 treat Temi gave me, I almost sold her my last name cause O boy!! It was that great. 

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As I open my eyes it’s a different reality, Zoe’s in the same position & now I feel like a robot.  At this moment I was utterly displeased with the sex, slowly my dick goes flaccid & I’m shooting pool with a rope. I give up! no ejaculation but who cares? The sex is no longer pleasing. 

sex game is whack

GIRLS STOP THIS!!

How can I be doing all the work? Sometimes I feel girls exaggerate how pleasing sex is.  It’s really not as pleasing to guys if girls don’t put in the work; in many cases, we just keep up to cum.  In my case, I completely lose it as I lay down on my side of the bed.

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Forget porn, sometimes I wonder if people learn from movies.  Do you see the expressions in the series ‘Dark Desire’? When Alma rides Dario or her husband Leonardo? Or would you rather talk about Laura & Massimo in 365 days? Yea I know these are just drama but drama depicts life.  Real-life sex should be as passionate & expressive but definitely not for Zoe.  She would rather lay in bed and contribute nothing to the sex. 

sex game is whack
Source- The Irish Times

It pains me so much that I couldn’t communicate her lack of sexual prowess to her. I imagine her reminiscing it as probably the best sex of her life when in actual sense, she’s a fraud. Gave nothing, to enjoy so much. 

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Guys!!! I think it’s high time we started voicing out to these ladies how wack they are in bed. Most ladies are quick to call out a man for lasting 4 minutes in bed or having a small dick but see nothing wrong in their deficiency in bed. It’s unfair. Why do ladies feel bringing their bodies is enough for sex? Common madam! Up your skill or come and be going! You suck in bed!

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Now to my question, firstly to the men, sincerely, how do you feel when a lady contributes nothing in scrubbing the carrot but lays like a log of wood? Do you tell her her sex game is whack or let it slide? If you’ve communicated an observed lack of skill to a lady before, I’ll like to know her reaction. To the ladies, why is it that most of you all hate to explore and be versatile in bed? Is it shyness or really lack of skill? You all be acting like “ehn after all he’s sucking boobs, he should be okay”... Well, he’s not!  I’ll appreciate your opinions in the comment section below 👇👇

 

 

 

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7 min read

A man cannot be a hundred percent satisfied! Satisfaction is a mirage, a man who appears to have attained it only deliberately decided to stay blind to his other needs that pinch. Satisfaction comes with self-control, the duo is difficult to merit. Why we excel in some areas, we are deficient in others. For me, the burden slaps hard with the institution, Marriage! As a man, I’m aghast at the perpetual welcome of Monogamy. Why? Why should a man be bound by one woman?

After a few years of being attracted to different women for different reasons, I have found that I am unmarried because I am looking for those different traits (characteristics) in a single woman. Crazy, I know.

monogamy is useless

Imagine a world where I am allowed to have more than one partner, where I could marry women in different sizes to satisfy specific fetishes. Who else will I enjoy a double action kind of sex with if not my chubby lady with a big breast? I imagine sliding my dick in-between her breasts and then grazing her lips with the crown as she sends shivers down my spine with her tongue. Another of my favorite fetishes for thick women is having to sit on the toilet as she turns her back towards me, twerking while my dick slides in and out. 

What about my slim and tall lady? I have this fetish to pin her against the wall while I leap up from behind, trying to align my dick with her pussy, just like a dog. For some reason, I guess this particular fetish is why they say all men are dogs lol. But I don’t mind!

Read: Lets Play A Game… Fetish or Obsessions or Both?

Imagine having either of these fetishes at my beck and call, I will probably come close to being a truly happy man, and will not live with the guilt of cheating on my one wife who does her best, but can’t just keep up with my numerous bed experiments. And in cases where I’m too busy to attend to the numerous needs of my wives, and often too tired from many business and social engagements. I’ll love that my wives can entertain men in the guest apartment to meet many of their cravings, and do to them, the things they’ve only dreamt of. Imagine a world where a wife is not bound from having a gist partner, a play partner, and a satisfying partner, and yet remain loyal in every other wifely duty to hubby. Raise this issue and folks will whip up diseases, but there were still diseases in the days of our great grandfathers, right?

monogamy is useless

MONOGAMY IS A CAGE

Truth is, modern religion came with an ideology, wrapped it up in morality, and served it to us as the way of life. One might even argue that the concept of monogamy is a mischievous scheme to curtail Africa’s speedy childbearing and growth by the Western world.

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Check this out; a child knows there is milk on the shelf, and he wants to drink milk but cannot do it because it might be a crime. So he lives with that desire burning in his heart, till he eventually gives up in frustration. Compare this to a child who knows there is milk on the shelf and he isn’t restricted from drinking it, so he moves about freely with that consciousness. Which one is a more happy child? And if happiness is key to social and mental development, which one develops more into a bold, strong, and successful man?

monogamy is useless
Source- Wiki How

Man is by nature free-spirited (Polygamous), if he’s not doing something, it means he doesn’t want to. Monogamy restricts a rather polygamous human, and cuts of the mind from being all it can be, this is why many of the people who seem to have blown out of proportion have not allowed themselves to be limited by most social constructs put in place by fearful ancestors to checkmate human growth.

A CLEARER ANALYSIS

Growing up, I used to steal meat from the stew pot, not the soup pot because my mum was fond of draw soup. And you know what they say, taking meat from a draw soup takes a special skill set, and I didn’t possess it at the time, so I settled for the stew.

monogamy is useless
Source- Dream Africa

A time came that I became in charge of the kitchen because I learned to make food almost as Mama did, and I discovered that I naturally stopped stealing meat from the stew pot, soup pot, Jollof, or the reserved fried ones. Thinking back now, I realize that I couldn’t steal that to which I have the key.

What does this have to do with monogamy?

Every woman I have met, I am in love with. The wild ones, the calm ones, the loud ones, and the soft-spoken. I met a girl who is chubby and what draws me to her is her belly. I love how it jiggled when she laughed, and I just loved to make her laugh. Huge girls laugh from deep within, it is often devoid of pretense. Unlike a popular body type to whom you crack a joke and they go “hehe”. I love a chubby girl when I am selfish because she is more than enough to go around. I love to be wrapped up in her embrace and get lost in her. And yeah, has a huge girl ever defended you in public? Nothing sexier than when she is vexing on your behalf. 

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monogamy is useless
Source- Pintrest

But I still want to lift my woman, swing her about and have her literally look up to me with those sweet adorable eyes, and even stand on her toes to kiss me. And this is exactly why I like her petite too and full of energy. Ever been in a pillow fight with a “small” lady? You could bury her in about 6 pillows, throw her up and catch her without paying for gym classes. There’s even stronger bonding that comes from her inability to reach the upper cabinets in the kitchen, I’d just place my both palms on her waist and lift her and wait for that smile and a kiss.

monogamy is useless
Source- Media Push

There is a woman for optics. She is tall, slender, with a thick thigh and proportionately thick behind. I am not very tall, but I still imagine her on stilettos with her elbow placed on my shoulder while I lean on her like the support for the tilting tower. This is the woman I want to “look up to”. Her intimidating height, huge presence, and often stern look through occasionally worn dark shades will make folks ask “who is this domineering woman he is with?” And I’d smile sheepishly because they don’t know that it is not so when we are completely alone and unclad.

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monogamy is useless
Source- Sporty Tell

MONOGAMY IS USELESS! SCRAP IT!

Some say a man is inherently good, others say inherently bad, but what if a man is inherently immensely capable of the expression of his desires in numerous ways to numerous objects of his affections without failing in his duties to the one or all?

A man is married to a breathtakingly beautiful woman but still goes to another whom men consider as ugly to lay by her bedside. Why is that?

monogamy is useless

A man walks hand in hand, fingers entwined, with his lover on the beach, enjoying the sunset, when suddenly a different girl walks by and he forgets about his lover whom to many is a 10, and gawks at another lady who is completely oblivious of his existence. Why is that?

Many faithful men still visit strip clubs, get lap dances, and wank off to sultry images of other women who aren’t even built like their wives. Why is that? These men live in a world where they can afford a whole kitchen but they are not allowed to, so they steal a glance and sometimes take extra meat or two from the pot. And those who take meat from the draw soup leave a trail behind them, and when they are caught, they are called cheats.

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Imagine a world where he is handed the key to the kitchen and even allowed to provide and watch guard over the meat? Wouldn’t he be more dedicated and happy?

monogamy is useless
Source- GQ Aaustralia

Everyone wants to be free, I particularly love to be free. Why should I adhere to a social construct (Monogamy) that binds me to one woman for the rest of my life, when inherently I desire so much more? Monogamy should either be scrapped or made optional not just for a specific religion but for every person, it’ll go a long way to saving marriages and relationships.

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Here’s another lamentation from a muttering mind, yearning to know what your mind mutters too. I’ll love to know your sincere opinion on monogamy. Are you convinced it’s the ‘IT’ or fallen prey to its bandwagon ideology propagated by society? Will you say that monogamy has done more harm to society or good? Let’s discuss further in the comment section Mutterers 😊👇👇.

 

 

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6 min read

Some names have attained universal recognition and status, names like Coca-Cola, Michael Jackson, Jesus Christ, and Mortal Kombat (yes, I said it!!). This versus game has been a big hit and brand for years, It’s a one size fits all game as one doesn’t even have to be a staunch gamer to really get involved and fall in love completely. Also, the franchise has in time past released subsequent movies that had an impact on kids and youths of the era, movies that have had many adaptations through the years. 

With much built-up anticipation in 2021, fans anxiously waiting for the current version of the Mortal Kombat mythos. Now the deal is here! Did it miss the mark or outshined the expectation of fans? 

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Mortal Kombat (2021) Review: Four Grave Lessons to help you Navigate Life

Directed by Simon McQuoid, and produced by James Wan, Todd Garner, Simon McQuoid, and Lawrence Kasanoff, the movie starts off showcasing the beauty of Japan in a contagious tranquil visual. One could smell the culture of Japan even without experiencing it first hand and yeah as a fan, knowing what I subscribed for, it was only a matter of time before the action began.

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No matter what your thoughts or feelings towards the Mortal Kombat 2021 released movie (to those who’ve seen it already), I would like to make clear that this review aims to take a human angle in interpreting Greg Russo’s and Dave Callaham’s screenplay. Yeah yeah, I’ve read pungent remarks on the internet that the movie didn’t cut it for fans, as a fan I wasn’t entirely pleased too but how about we flip the script in analyzing it from a much more human perspective. How much of YOU or real-life situation is mirrored in the scenes or any of the character’s storyline?

Cold War:

Any fan of the Mortal Kombat franchise is surely familiar with the cold war between Scorpion and Subzero. However, this 2021 release takes a shift off the major protagonists we know and love (Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, Sonya Blade, Kitana), to focus on this rivalry.  Now let’s analyze this cold war strategy; there is a saying “the best defense is a good offense.” It may seem underhanded, but if you want something bad enough, you don’t have to tell anyone. The speed and lack of hesitation in your choices and actions will speak volume. Subzero perfectly embodies this through his cold-blooded nature (all puns intended). The ice-cold assassin strikes hard and fast, contrary to the heroes Jax and Cole Young who are stumbling their way through.

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If you were in a position to hire labor, which would you pick, people who are trying to figure things out or people that know what is at stake and wasted no time in executing tasks? Hence the reason 2-3 years of work experience is usually the core for employment. The first meeting between Raiden’s earth realm defenders and Shang Tsung’s Outworld team shows how world’s apart the both are in preparedness and conviction.

Mortal Kombat (2021) Review: Four Grave Lessons to help you Navigate Life

The Wait:

Patience they say is the gift of the gods; this is best embodied in Sonya Blade’s character. Eager to prove herself to everyone, especially herself, she does not relent or leave when she is told she lacks the mark, and having no Arcana makes her a liability. She patiently waits till a slot opens up, which she gleefully takes. She doesn’t let pride blind her when she is sidelined even though all evidence points to her as the most capable in the teach. In relating to life, most of us tend allow our talents to cloud our reasoning. Yeah sometimes it’ll be too evident that you’re even more talented than your master/boss or people on your team, however, the best approach is not to behave rashly or proud, but remain humble while working for them.

Mortal Kombat (2021) Review: Four Grave Lessons to help you Navigate Life

Learn To Question The Humor:

There’s a saying, “fear funny people”,  they will have you more focused at laughing at their jokes and oblivious to  their hidden intent. There’s something about being funny that makes people excuse you for some nasty or bad traits, but it’s all fun and games until the scales fall off. Kano is a sterling example; in all honesty, he is a toxic and arrogant individual, full of himself but he is one of the people most loved when he appears on the screen. Throughout the movie he overestimates his abilities due to his bloated ego and idea of himself. He is fearless which if analyzed well could be actual stupidity as a complete lack of fear does not let you exercise caution at adequate points when needed, especially as one who overestimates his skillset. Despite schoolings from Sonya and Liu Kang, Kano still sees himself as the baddest man alive and when he strike his evils, it wasn’t funny.

Mortal Kombat (2021) Review: Four Grave Lessons to help you Navigate Life
Click Image to Listen to this Hit Single!!! NO TIME!!!

 

Idle God Syndrome: 

Despite the presence of a god, Lord Raiden, on the earth realm’s side, the characters still fight for their fate. This lesson is prevalent to this day, man is the controller of his fate. Waiting for a divine helper will most times have you waiting while life happens all around you. Earth realm defenders were told to test their might to unlock their arcana during training with Liu Kang and Kung Lao. The same goes for life, to unlock any expertise or knowledge/skill you need to stretch yourself from constant practice and exercise, work hard to show yourself approved rather than wait for magical manna from heaven. Man is designed to push his limits and boundaries, yes pain is usually involved but it turns out worse when we do not challenge ourselves. We end up never having confidence and trusting ourselves when the situation counts for it. Cole, a descendant of Scorpion goes through this process, running away from who he needed to be until he had no choice but to either accept it or be a victim of fate.

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Mortal Kombat (2021) Review: Four Grave Lessons to help you Navigate Life

The 2021 edition of Mortal Kombat in analyzing the scenes and characters from a didactic life angle makes the movie worth the watch. But If you’re bent on spotting the glitches and big errors, it’s most likely going to leave a sour taste in your mouth.

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If you’ve watched the movie, I’ll like to ask what lessons you learned from it. And if you haven’t, which of these lessons resonates with you? Also, you’ll agree I tried hard not to give any spoilers but lol. Let’s talk in the comment section😅👇. 

 

 

 

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7 min read

You see butterflies in my belly, I love them. I love the mystery of what beautiful surprises love brings and when the love turns sour, I find myself still holding on to ‘what’ should have become. I’m holding tight to a lump of hot coal, despite being presented with a choice of ice.  When is it too late to say I quit? 

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I am a hopeless romantic and also a strong believer in love’s power to conquer all, which is why I have been in “the longest unmarried relationship” known to man. I met B in high school, I was that brute of a prefect while she was the beauty and brains. I had never really taken notice of her in any way except as a classmate, not until the day she cried because of me. Her friends ganged up and made sure I went to the library where she cried and consoled her. At that moment, I did more than consoling, I made promises that no one would ever make her cry again as long as I was around.

rejected my proposal
Source- Unsplash

B and I became close and as time went by, our closeness blossomed to something of the nature of a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She was my first kiss, my first tight hug, and my first dry hump. She made me want to write poetry. She didn’t care for them, but I wrote anyway. As we graduated high school, she allowed me to call her “girlfriend” but only to her hearing. No one else must know and I didn’t care. I was elated I now had a girlfriend, my first ever.

When Life Takes the Childhood Innocence Away…

You know as we age, we start to see more challenging sides to life, and our childhood innocence gradually fades. We suddenly want to be more and the most unfair side in all is that what might be more to you, might be as insignificant as a grain of salt to another. I’ve been writing since childhood and the zeal accompanied me to adulthood, I wanted badly to now be a professional writer.

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rejected my proposal
Source- Medium

However, B saw this as unambitious whenever I let her in on my fantasy about a cottage on a hill where I’d live and write on paper, and only step out to civilization when I am out of ink or my belly aches for food. She told me if I cared for a future with her I would pursue a more professional course. She told me how she’d want to marry a doctor, but since I have flair for the arts, I should consider becoming a lawyer and without much thought but thinking on the leverage of how much I’ll give to be with her forever, I immediately fell in love with the idea. 

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I did my poetic writing on the low, while I wrote jamb for a law degree. But Jamb had a very funny way of giving me below 200 on my scores. B told me I lacked concentrations, and I agree. I didn’t want to be a lawyer but still told myself I could do it so that I could finally win her heart. So I quit writing, left my dream of writing for the screens, and tried Jamb for two years subsequently.

rejected my proposal
Source- ABA law student division

I would always imagine the titles “Barrister and Dr Mrs” and it made me smile deeply. Power couple. Though she didn’t get to be a doctor, she became the next best thing, a Pharmacist. As you might have guessed I didn’t become a lawyer, I did even better, I gave up one creative thing for another. I became a  Carpenter. 

The Longer You Date, The more Breakups In Between

Folks who have been in a very long relationship can relate to the fact that in between these long years, there are usually break-up and makeup phases. B and I for one silly reason or the other usually took a lengthy break from each other. 

Amid our breakups, I dated a few girls and she dated a few boys, even kissed some that I knew of. She stayed a virgin, a promise to herself. I lost mine over and over again. On one of such makeups she found that I wasn’t a writer no more but now a woodworker (carpenter). She was disappointed! She didn’t take it well, and when she is mad you’d know. It takes me weeks to heal from her spoken vexations. They are usually venomous but she often means well. However, she told me I could still make it as a lawyer, I was selfish enough to promise I’d become what she wanted. While waiting to become what she wanted, she’ll always get angry whenever I addressed myself as a carpenter and often told me to address myself as an “interior designer” for status sake. But I never listened so it made us drift often.

A Merry-Go-Round Proposal

After 7 years of on and offs, with her pushing me to “better” myself career-wise, I proposed the first time, she said I wasn’t ready. Of course, I wasn’t, I still lived at my mum’s. I proposed the second time, she said despite having an apartment and a few contracts now, that it wasn’t enough, adding that I needed serious job security. She offered to pay for my tuition to study a more serious course that could earn me more money. I declined because I am too proud to accept that in my financial state and then what if I don’t give her the life she wanted.

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So we broke up and made up, yet again. Finally, I agreed, I would quit this thing that I love (carpentry), and leave the country with her and be just what she wants. Half of me wanted this because most of me wanted her, she encouraged me and told me it was for the best.

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 Yet again I proposed this time with a bigger stone. I made sure my right knee did the needful, while I balanced myself on my left knee too. She cried, held my face as I looked at her smile washed down by her tears. And her words were filled with deep emotions as she spoke to me. “I have waited for so long for you to do this right, but I am sorry, others already did it right”.

rejected my proposal

I was so hurt, I got up not knowing how to feel, and as I was about leaving she held me and said “Please don’t go. I am not saying yes neither am I saying no. I am so confused right now, please give me time to pray. Please I beg you, I need just three months to pray”. My feelings defeated, I agreed and left her.

An Overdue Prayer Session and a Precious to Behold

Three months turned to four months, four months turned to lock down, everybody became busy trying to stay alive. A year and two months after my B began to pray, and one day off the blues she chatted me up and said “God said it’s you!”

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I was so excited that I forgot I was broke, how was I to even begin to cater for a wedding? Stupid right? I love B so much and even more despite the long cold wait. I told her I wasn’t financially ready for a wedding and she was angry but gave me time to put my shit in order. Finally, I gathered and ordered the marriage list, but before I could go pick it, came Precious.

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Precious is young, beautiful, intelligent, soft-spoken, and admires me. More importantly, she is so in love with my carpentry and asks me not to change for anyone. In a month of knowing her, she has looked up ways that I can become a better carpenter and it is paying off. She asked me herself if I would marry her, and in something that feels like double jeopardy, I said YES YES YES!

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She wakes me up with prayer messages to remind me that I am more than enough and what exactly she prayed for. I know it’s short timing, but within it, I have felt a kind of love I have never felt before. Love devoid of begging but cherishing. Someone who loves me for me and not the idea of what more I can become. It’s opened my eyes to how much pain I endured with B and I don’t think I want to go feel such pain again.

rejected my proposal

Bear in mind that B rejected my proposal three times, now she’s crying her heart out, saying I am ruining us, especially now that she has told folks that she is gonna be my wife. While Precious tells me that I am the best thing since jollof rice and treats me in ways I have always begged for but never received. I am torn between my promises of a happy ever after to B and a hunger for what Precious feeds me every day.

I finally opened up to B about Precious and she’s been pleading for another chance to make things right. Dear Mutterers, I am so confused. I need your candid advice on what to do. Please leave me your honest comments 👇👇

 

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7 min read

“Is it a sin? Shouldn’t it be just masturbation?” I ask myself these questions every time I feel that sensation inside my vagina. An urge so tingling, I twitch my legs and if I’m seated, I move my buttocks quite mildly but intensely felt in my clit.  I want to touch myself so badly, and the urge only gets higher, making me a slave to it, a slave who wants more.  I look around to see if the coast is clear, without much looking, I find myself in the toilet, trying so hard to quieten my moan whilst I take my fingers in and out of my vagina streets. “Ahhh mmmm ah”, I moan, and pant slowly, suddenly there’s a wet rush streaming out of my vagina. Oooooh, what a mad ass satisfaction. I put my panties on and head to bed, but guess who wakes up? My conscience! How can one be so satisfied yet feeling enormous guilt? Who crowned masturbation a sin?

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If anyone ever told me that I, a Christian girl brought up with gory tales of hellish fire and brimstone when I do as little as stealing a piece of meat from my mama’s pot, would be confessing to masturbation, I would have differed. Not because the fact about me is a lie but because it’s a part of me I intend to continue enjoying in secrecy than tell anyone about it. No one who masturbates openly declares it and even when caught, it becomes the most revered embarrassing moment of our life.

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For Women, Masturbation is a Sin.
Source- Medium

 

My First Sensual Realization

But can you blame this church girl who was raised to believe that spending too much time washing her vagina was a sin worthy of purgatory? My first realization of my sensuality was when I was about 9 and my mother would beat me for dry-humping a pillow. I, an innocent girl who didn’t even know what dry-humping was, received lots of cane, slap, and pepper-in-the-vagina threats many times than I can count from my African mother who believed anything abnormal was spiritual. At that age, I felt the urges, it was a sweet feeling without a name, I had no sex education, and the only way I could appease what I felt was by sliding my vagina on a pillow.

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If you were raised by such a mother you’d likely understand what my experience was like. Need I mention the exorcism events, aka, deliverance sessions when I was forcefully taken to the pastors to get the demon out of me? I loved my mother and she was the most amazing and sacrificial mother when it came to my wellbeing. She was doing motherhood the best way she knew how to but she was blinded to the changes that were occurring during her time. The same way we pretend that child molestation doesn’t happen within our homes or that 1 out of 4 children gets exposed to sex and sexual experiences right from the age of 6. Well, I’m one of such children who can’t tell exactly when I started getting stimulated sexually.

child abuse and masturbation

But as a clueless child, teenager and sister, I saw the confusing images on TV of women on women, men on men, men on women, and other horrifying things that first made my heart pound. After the heart-pounding, my brain gets stimulated so much that I had to practice the overwhelming images in my head. My parents paid no attention however and likewise were ignorant of the erotic magazines my brothers hid between their clothes and the porn they watched with zero volume when everyone was asleep. Well I always pretended to be asleep but made sure to position my head rightly so I could watch too.

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To backtrack a bit, I remember the first time I saw the erotic CDs in the house, my brother had brought them home. I was still a little girl, and on the first scene of bumping into him watching these, I developed a huge shock. The images were so terrifying, I promised to throw the CD’s away without his knowledge. Eventually, I threw them and was severely beaten by him. As time went on, I always bumped into my brother masturbating, I’ll feel irritated but he always wore no remorse. These acts damaged me psychologically, and worse off, I became an addict too.

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I can say I lost my virginity to a pencil or any other object I was using to reach pleasure. I fumbled through teenagehood with frustrated unsatisfactory masturbation and mastered the skill when I neared adulthood.

child masturbation and abuse
Source- Community Care

 

Grown Older…Still Masturbating

My feelings of heavy guilt, shame, a better understanding of the side effects of excessive masturbation, and personal beliefs helped me slow down as I grew older but it’s hard to stop something that grew up with you. It’s like trying to shed your skin. 

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I’ve come to accept some things about myself: that I was awakened early and it’s not my fault. I can’t enjoy sex outside marriage (I’ve tried it, didn’t work), I get horny like every other woman during her ovulation and as an active sexual being, I need to take the edge by touching myself and fingering my vagina. That’s how I get really satisfied, you might conclude I’m addicted to masturbating but I have stopped beating myself up about something I cannot miraculously change. 

Solo Female Masturbation
Source- Motion Porn

 

Masturbation Has Its Perks

The word ‘masturbate’ has been painted so dirty and I think that we should cut loose some slack. There’s a fine side to every bad behavior, masturbation inclusive. It saves me from piling body counts, why have premarital sex when I can easily satisfy myself sexually with my finger or pencil. Ps. I do not advise putting a pencil in your vagina cause that shit is painful as hell. Might not be able to count how many times I’ve masturbated but I can count how much I’ve had sex. In a society where trying to abstain is an up the hill task, masturbation should not be condemned.

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I see a guy I want in my bed, I lose my senses talking to him, and I know myself, if he as much gets in an enclosed space with me, I’ll take his pants off. But guess what brings me to order? Masturbation! The moment I flick the bean, it’s like a scale falls off my eyes, there’s no way in heaven I’ll be wanting him in my bed again. Recently I heard of a close friend who attempted rape, I felt too sorry for him and I thought “if only he had just wanked, I’m sure he would have been able to control himself”.

male masturbation
Source- Medium

Not advising anyone out there to masturbate, no. If you aren’t sexually active, awesome for you! If you masturbate, I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much. Like I said earlier, trying to retrace my steps in adulthood feels like shedding my skin, so I’ll just embrace the perks. I argued with myself on what to tell and what to keep unsaid here but I decided I’ll be as open as possible, especially since there are so many other ‘ladies’ out there like me who can’t share their truth. Emphasis on ‘ladies’ because compared to men, we are more ashamed to say we masturbate. 

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So on a scale of 0-10 how much guilt do you feel when you masturbate? Notice there was no prior question like “Do you masturbate”, cause I know how uncomfortable that question is and I bet that your answer will be a hesitant “No or Yes”. If anything, sharing this part of me on Muttering Minds I believe is a step to make me feel less guilty, and I hope that you are free in telling me about your masturbation experience too. 

masturbation

Are you addicted to masturbation? What were your early experiences like and how is it now? Are you convinced it’s a sin? Also if you broke free from the addiction, I’ll appreciate it if you can let me in on how you succeeded. To the readers who don’t masturbate, I’ll also love to hear your unique opinion about it. Please indulge me,  by leaving your sincere comments and thoughts, by the way, it’s my first time sharing my story on Muttering Minds lol.👇👇

 

 

 

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