I read somewhere that the death of a loved one is a curious thing. We all know that our time in this world is limited and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.
It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
The saying “everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear”, does not apply to death no matter how fearful we are of it. Death is inevitable and no form of courage can save us from biting the dust.
While we are privileged to be reading this because we are alive and hopefully well, some of us have had a close feeling of what death feels like. Some of us miss our loved ones who’ve been cuddled by the cold hands of death.
To commemorate this month of love, February, I decided to use this platform to feature some eulogies to our loved ones who left us too early even though we’re made to believe the creator knows best.
If you had the opportunity to say some words to them, what will that be?
When you have a fall out with someone do you always wish them the worst?
Well, Yes, I do! Or rather, more than half the time. It’s satisfying to wish them evil after all they annoyed me so why not! I’m sure you do the same too even if sometimes.
So yesterday I reconciled with a friend after prolonged malice, we reflected on everything that happened, what led to what and the side effects. It’s so funny that he even confessed to unfollowing me on Instagram. He said he’s been meaning to follow back but he’s not sure how I will feel.
He just didn’t want to see any ‘Junk’ that reminded him of me. So he erected so many barricades, especially on social media.
Well, guess what! I wasn’t angry, I understood him not just because I am capable of doing the same but because I know how prickly a reminder of someone who did you dirty can be… its always as ‘Prickly as Hell’
The feeling is hell! Especially on social media, one glance at their picture and you wonder why the heck they are smiling. And then it begins to feel like their adrenaline grew to post so much of junks … well, I don’t even hesitate to utilize my mute button on Whatsapp. I just wouldn’t be seeing your face at such times.
It’s ridiculous because it subliminally metamorphoses to a thing of ‘who’s living their best life’. Flaunting pictures, posting unnecessary quotes and so many more the other part wouldn’t love to deal with.
It’s funny how we do the most when someone gets in our bad book especially the ones we care(d) about. How we begin to perceive them and how they suddenly look mundane in our eyes. Times like this, their flaws become very visible and we wish the worst happens to them so that they come running back to us.
Anyone can be rigid at heart, anyone can cry whenever they feel the need to, It doesn’t matter if they are male or female.
Why is so much mental and physical strength expected from men and then the women, allowed to live a life fraught with so much emotional display? Societal yardsticks have completely deafened the individuality of each male and replaced them with collective generalizations. Why?
Needing love and attention is not feminine, anyone can crave it. We have displaced the individual psychology of men so much that we don’t see the need to tender them any appreciation. We expect strength, will power, numbness and any other valid feature only robots should own from men. Are they robots in disguise?
The deficiency in the appreciation of the men is evident in every unit of our society, starting from the family, down to the church and even other units like the hospital. More than half the songs released, poems written, art, empowerment schemes, makes women a central theme.
You cannot listen to a music playlist on TV and not observe most of the tracks are centred on a woman. Either adorning her body, her mannerisms, the beauty of motherhood and what have you. Would there ever be an uprising of songs appreciating the men?
In the home too, children pay more attention to their mothers and see their fathers as a demi-god that exercises maximum supremacy.
Sometimes the man just needs a simple “How are you?” or “I love you” and their day is made.
Because we have learned that a man ought to show strength, it becomes a culture shock when we witness a downpour of emotions from the man. You hear side remarks like “He’s a pussy”, “Why is he behaving like a woman”.
A man who needs to express his joy or sadness by crying in public or even at home cannot do so comfortably because he didn’t learn from society to be that way. A man who ought to be lenient in expressing his feelings will not do so because if he does, he will be termed a weakling. Why do we feel that the men deserve no form of soft care? Don’t they need empowerment too? Don’t they deserve equal appreciation like the women?
I will be glad to see society appreciate the man more than they are given. Let there be songs sang for the men too, poetry written to adorn their bodies, more artworks to display their masculinity and emotions, empowerment programs that balance that of the females and many more.
Men are not robots. Like the ladies, they have the right to an outpour of emotions. While each one of them cannot wield the same level of strength and psychological makeup differ, we must learn to appreciate them for who they truly are, and not what society thinks they should be.
Unlike the ladies who can deny it whenever they are aroused in public because there is no visible evidence, it can be a battle of warlords for the men.
Taming the eggplant in public is a special skill unique to each man, while some have found their medicine, some are a little over the place hoping to find a holy grail technique.
Sometime last week, I was gisting with my colleagues and we delved into some although educative but humorous sensual talk. Boners! A.K.A. Erections! Dealing with boners in public topped the pyramid of our discussion.
How do men deal with boners in public? Erection starts in the brain. It could be triggered by something you saw, felt, smelled, heard or thought of. Although they are super useful in the bedroom with a lover or sex mate, no guy prays to have them in public because they are super embarrassing.
A Lady with some protruding figure 8 passes by and suddenly dude’s eggplant begins to jump. I imagine it’s saying “Oh please! Let me out of here, I want to dance some’ lol. A famous case of ‘the body’s willing but the soul’s not’. Peradventure dude ain’t wearing a brief underwear or some tight fitted pants, the dick print goes haywire.
Hey ladies! You might as well rethink sitting on a dude’s laps the next time he offers because damn! some egg be cooking in a hot steam inside his pants and nigga finna be so uncomfortable but wouldn’t dare say.
How do men even get their lil man to stop throwing tantrums in public?
“To get take my mind off it, I focus on grapes. Hell knows I hate that shit. At the mere thought of it, my dick shrinks like a scared cat”… A colleague said, when I asked how he tames a boner in public.
What sparked my attention more was someone saying he usually thinks of ‘A tractor mowing a grass field’ then another ‘A pool of blood’ and the most grotesque was “I picture how awful it will be to have sex with my mum and my dick shrinks immediately”.
Wooooow! Who would have thought?
Before the conversation, I never knew men had a tough time suppressing boners in public, talk more of focusing their minds on the most unpleasant images, things they distaste, just to get the feeling away. Imagine finding solace in evil just to get rid of ‘evil’… that’s unfair!
I was curious to know more about it so I extended the conversation to my male friends on WhatsApp. While some plead the fifth, some exclaimed “Why the heck should I have a boner in public”… oh well some rare breeds I guess.
I also got generic responses like crossing legs, meditation, thinking of God, to name a few.
However, I got some responses worth sharing here. If you are a guy still searching for a holy grail technique, one of these might just work for you.
Because of the sensitivity of the topic, I asked the respondent to use pseudonyms. Here we go…
Liger said: “When I get a boner in a public place and need to get rid of quickly, I immediately imagine myself in an Anatomy cadaver laboratory. I imagine myself pick up the surgical knife and just cut along, and down it goes, quick fix.”
Osuofia said: “Not anything comical like old ladies or maths. Just take my mind away from the thought or source of the arousal”
Mack said: “Lol… it’s funny, but whenever it happens to me I do find a way to sit some time and tuck my baby in via my pocket. If my pocket is not making things easy I’ll just keep my two hands across it in a stylish way. It all depends on the environment you’re in. Sometimes it’s cute to leave it that way sha. Especially if your stuff is really large 😉”
Gipsy said: “Something like baba yaga or some other character from a horror movie… Crooked facial demeanour, weird movements, malevolent personality, those kinda things 🤷🏽♂🤷🏽♂🤷🏽♂”
Voldermort said: “You can’t really “out-think” especially if the babe is still present. So what I do is sit down and cross my legs. And if I’m unable to sit, I cover the bulge with both hands like I’m posing for a picture”.
Mutterer 101 said: “Think of the Rapture or Armageddon and think of how sexual sins will be punished, according to the Bible. Or just think of some random weird things thing such as a ghastly accident or a funny tv show, or anything. Lol”
Storm said: “I’m homophobic, so I think of something related to gay and then remove my mind from there. Before then, I must have adjusted my trouser to make sure it’s not noticeable”.
The Boner Crusher said: “A very potent method that works is the ‘distraction from distraction’ 😂😂💔. How does this work? Start thinking of rubbish like a plane crashed into an ocean and pigs swam to save the crew only. It doesn’t make sense but it sure does in reality.”
That’s enough said to do the magic except you like to be Otis from Sex Education, then you need Jean Milburn for a fix. Jokes apart, if your egg plant chooses to be awake at odd places, recurrently and anomaly, you need therapy.
Care to contribute some tips on how to get rid of boners in public? Care to share your most memorable (or embarrassing) moment having a boner in public? the comment section is all yours. To the ladies, how do you react if you observe a guy getting a hard-on in public? Let’s talk!
Dear Mutterers, how do you all cope? Asides that I hate ring tones no matter how subtle it might be, I hate taking phone calls too.
The only time you will find my phone on ‘loud mode’ is if I am expecting a very important call most preferrably a dispatch. And as soon as I am done, it goes back to the norm, ‘SILENT’.
God help me I forget to put it back on silent and it rings… OMG! first I freak out at the tone, then I’m hit by a reflex mood swing (maybe a residual effect of the anxiety) that most times becomes too unhealthy for the caller. I’m either belligerent or numb and they can tell it’s not the usual me. But it’s not my fault, I must have rejected the call the first and maybe the second time and they choose to call for a third.
I also get pissed at so many missed calls. Do I owe you? So why give me three or more missed calls? What makes you think I wasn’t with my phone all the while you were calling? Most times I am with it but not ready to talk.
Before you call me, be sure it’s not textable. I love to text, I connect better with it even if it’s just a word there. I’m good. No matter how rude the text might be, it’s better than tending to some voices.
Maybe I am selfish, maybe it’s just my nature, I can’t say. I just want to talk to people when I want to, not the other way round. That’s why if I eventually pick the call, I exchange pleasantries and then say ‘Please can I call back, I’m actually busy’.
More than half the time, I am busy in my head. Either enjoying what is in there or being tensed for some reasons. It’s usually offensive that a phone call sometimes interrupts such a sacred moment. Asides this, I noticed that my mouth becomes so heavy to speak sometimes due to fatigue triggered by the day’s activity. From traffic to work, back to traffic, and I have to go through this five days in a week… damn!
I actually enjoy a few people calling me though. The ones who understand that it is okay not to be welcoming sometimes and then they get into the mood with you because they love you. And the ones who make me laugh too are precious but it’s so unfortunate I find myself not being in the mood for laughs sometimes.
If I say I will call back and I forgot, believe me, I did. There is no harm in sending a text to remind me. Generally, there is actually no shame in reminding people of a favour they promised you. If you are of the opinion that if it matters to them they wouldn’t forget, then pray you don’t encounter my kind because if I am not forgetting, I keep procrastinating and your reminder will be the silver lining at such moments.
Well, guess what😁. I need your help! How do I get better with phone calls🥺? If not for any reason, I don’t want to be that friend you call when you have a gun to you head, hoping that they won’t pick😂😂.
I wonder how many of us are faithful to it though. ‘Not talking to strangers‘… Maybe only during the festive season and that’s because we are scared of our vital organs vanishing from our bodies.
Anyways, does it ever occur to you that the person (stranger) you think you’re meeting for the first time has actually met you before now??? These days I don’t buy the concept of total stranger anymore, ‘familiar strangers’, that’s what it is. That babe or dude you think knows zilch about you might actually have substantial information on you.
We are information thirsty. We are naturally drawn to anything fascinating either in a mysterious or adventurous manner, especially humans. And with the help of technology, it’s very easy to get what we want.
You see that dude you always pass by on your way to have lunch at work, don’t mind that he acts unaware, he knows the game too.
“Hello! My name is Jude, I really like you. Can I get your number?”… here’s him making you feel he doesn’t already know your name.
He probably knows you, knows where your mama lives, how many siblings you got, your college scandals and who took you out last Valentine.
I stalk people too. Both male and female. If your personality gets me positively or negatively, all I need is your first and last name and voila there’s an 80 per cent chance I will find you. And when I do, all your household is in trouble. 😂😂 just kidding. But who doesn’t stalk anyway?
Funny thing is I even stalk myself. I go on my IG and then scroll through my page, same as Facebook, and other social handles. While at it, I’m thinking “If someone stalks me, will they like what they see?”
With the meaning of the words, you can tell how they are. Now relate it to stalking.
Bottom line! we are all familiar strangers to each other.
Some stalkers can be too forward though. They make you know that they know you the moment they get the chance to say hello. They are like “You are Uju right?”.
“No mate! I am Solomon”… like I am pissed at what he knows already. And then I wear this ”Ok…You better start spilling all the shit you heard or know about me” look. And dude gives me this creepy smile, trying to play the confusion card again. This must be an achievement right! He probably heard my mama screaming my name in the street some time and decided to confiscate the trophy hoping for a kill soon🙄.
Whenever I get talking to someone new, especially if we share familiar environments, it always comes to my mind that there is a thick chance they got something on me. Sometimes it’s me who does.
That’s why whenever I walk the streets I give passersby the “So what now? What have you got on me?” look. Yes! cause 80 per cent chance is that they do. If they don’t, they probably know your face and have been meaning to ask you so many questions.
Who else is hardly smiling whenever they type ‘LOL‘ duringchats. ‘Laughing out Loud’, that’s what it means right! but how many of you are sincerely doing that whenever you type ‘LOL’?
Well here are three instances why I use ‘lol‘ when chatting...
When the chat is dead ass boring, and I don’t know what next to say, ‘LOL‘ always comes to my rescue 😂😂.
When I am pissed at a remark, the safest and the closest way I wave it especially if the moron isn’t worth it, is simply responding ‘LOL‘ with my face interchanging postures like this 😦😕 for few seconds.
When I throw some sarcasm or diplomatic insults (Which I mean with every fiber of my being) and I sense the recipient is about to go all berserk on me, before they absolve it fully, I don’t hesitate for a few seconds to type ‘LOL‘ 😜.
Thank you LOL for always coming to my rescue whenever I need to break out from boring chats, managing an idiot and also taming my idiocy. If you were human, you’ll probably be my best friend cause you always save a nigga fam.
To tell that the chat is really funny to me, I either respond with ‘Hahahahahahhahah’ or I use the laughter emoji recurrently like ‘😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂’. Sometimes I will even say ‘Hey fam, this got me rolling’. Not ‘Lmao’ or ‘lolxxxx’, these ones are even worse than an ‘lol’.
Now you know why I use ‘lol‘ duringchats. Don’t you dare go over reviewing our chats, counting all the times I typed ‘LOL’ please. You might just get hurt in the process😫.
Care to share your reasons for using ‘LOL’ too? … Don’t tell me you actually laugh for real cause I won’t believe you😏. And the ones who respond ‘Lolzzzzz’, what exactly is the net worth of your problem😂😂? Cause fam, you definitely got a huge problem.
Someone– I’m where you left me o, you just abandoned me.
😨😨😨 For goodness sake, why are some people so myopic in reasoning? So you have been on the same level since the last time I checked on you? Or how else am I supposed to translate such a response? I detest it whenever someone replies me with such unintelligent choice of words when I genuinely check on them.
I am not superman, I am not your mum who’s obligated to check on you 24/7 (Even some mums don’t)… I am just your friend, perhaps an acquittance. And just incase you forgot, people are busy.
This is a pet peeve for me in friendship. If I call you my friend, I believe we must have attained a certain level of friendship whereby if either of us don’t call frequently, it doesnt matter. No one is offended! And whenever we decide to talk, we relate as goofy as we would without hammering on blame games.
Hey people! No one is mandated to check on you, not even family. If you haven’t spoken to someone in a while and suddenly feel the need to hear from them, pick up your phone and call or pay them a visit if necessary since it means that much to you. Do it genuinely and not because you hope that in the long run such affection will be reciprocated or because you feel its some sort of stupid game whereby whoever calls first is declared the winner and has the right to curse out on the receiver.
A friend of mine voiced his reservations recently concerning my supposed ‘New lifestyle’. According to him, all I indulge in lately is woven around Muttering Minds. I no longer talk about my family, place of work and yeah! All the beautiful men I’ve got a crush on.
Well yeah, he’s right, but how long would I keep saying those things? Well its not like I dont tell them anymore but rather than silly natterings, I prefer to voice them through writing. And poor him, he hates reading.
“Oh no! I still talk about these things but on Muttering Minds” I replied.
“You see! I miss you Uju, I miss those times”… he said affectionately.
How do you miss someone and not care about what they are involved with? We’re grown and whether you believe it or not, at this stage, we want to associate more with people who facilitate or share in our dreams. Don’t guilt-trip people with the good old days, it only exists in your head and maybe theirs but tell you what, memories, just like humans are very unreliable. Fragments are invalid. If you cannot catch the train to create new moments, then voila.
Also, you are not very okay if you vent over people calling you only when they need you. When else am I supposed to call you? To burst your bubble, every physical conversation or phone call meets a need. Someone calling you to help them get a job done is no different from the person who calls to say they love you. Or someone who calls to check on your ass. The only difference is probably how it makes you feel.
If a person calls you recurrently on an emotional/trivial note, its either for one or more of these needs:
They need to be sure you are okay.
They need you to know how they feel.
They need you to get to feel what they feel.
They need you to ensure you watch that series so you both have something to talk about.
They need more information about you.
They basically need to validate they are human, and being human is to show care sometimes. Right?
I could go on with the list… I’m sure you get the gist. The truth is, we are all running a ‘need’ race.
Let’s face it, we all smell of guilt. Well, that’s better than a pungent body odour. I will call you if I need to get a job done even if I haven’t spoken to you in years. Call me shameless? Well, you are right, I lost my shame!
If someone calls you off the blues for a favour, it’s in your place to decline. But don’t bank on the fact that its because they need you because you also need people. If you are not disturbing them in particular, there’s someone you are. You need people, even people you don’t know or care about their existence. Imagine if you woke up and found yourself alone on earth. I bet you will take your own life because of mehn! the weight of silence will be poison for your soul. Even those who claim they enjoy their own company and hate people need to at least know that there are people on earth but not in their space.
When I was a kid, I loved watching ants. You know the saying “Go to the ants and learn from them” right? I was always looking out for ant houses and whenever I found one, I volunteered to be their chef. To ensure there was no famine in their land, I would either put plenty of sugar or bread crumbs by their doorstep (Is it a hill or hole step?). It gave me so much joy seeing them come out in their numbers to feed.
I actually wanted to know if the ants were as wise as the bible puts, well guess what, these creatures are organized. Down to the transfer of food from one ant to another, to the straight file, and the way they fought with antagonistic creatures like cockroaches (OMG! I hate these ones), it made me so happy.
Sometimes I wish they could talk so I could do a proper introduction like: “Hey fellas! it’s your favourite human, what would you love to have for dinner yo!”
If you ever find yourself around me and an ant passes by and you smash it dead without mercy, I could shoot you if I had a gun. Don’t try me! That ant has a family goddammit! You probably just killed the breadwinner of a colony, how cruel! That’s some first-degree animal cruelty! you should go to jail.
Some people don’t even want to imagine that there’s an ant in the same environment with them, talk more of when they see the ant..they reach for their heels and smash without mercy. How cruel? Despite my hate for roaches, I don’t even smash them, just a little wipe to weaken them and then I dispose of them far away.
News Flash: Sometimes when a cockroach threatens my existence and I eventually get a grip of it, I slightly give it a sucker punch and then drag the idiot down to my soldiers. You need to see the struggle, it’s always like a Goliath struggling with a thousand and one Davids.
Bird and Dog Girl…
I love birds. I can stay still at a particular spot, not making any sound just so a bird can comfortably eat the little crumbs on the floor😍. I don’t like that they see me or hear my footsteps and fly away, it breaks my heart. If there was a way to communicate to them that I mean no harm, I will be glad to learn such. Does anyone understand the bird language? Sigh!
Dogs are by every measure my favorite pets😉, as a matter of fact, I got two. I understand when a person says they don’t like dogs, perhaps due to some miscalculated bad experience in their past. What I don’t understand is why someone will see a dog minding its business and the next thing that comes to mind is to pick stones and start throwing or mimicking the dog in a hateful manner. Do you know that dogs find this very triggering? Some of you will say ‘how does she know, has she been a dog before?’ You might do this for pure hate or fun, either way, such acts are condemnable. Stay away from animals if you cannot be humane to them. Do not stir up trouble or else your ass might just get bitten to its bones someday.
Also a very important question here; If you cannot cater for a dog, why have one? Stop increasing the population of stray pets! I hate to see hungry dogs on the street. I sometimes wish I could question them to take me to their owner so I can mete out some really grave punishments🙅.
News Flash: Just so you know it pleases me when a dog suddenly starts chasing a fool that was looking for its trouble by probably throwing stones or mimicking… such moments I loveeee!. 😜
Now you’ve just read about my loyalty for certain animals, do you think I am weird? Well if you do then you have to get yourself checked. Well, I’ll love to read about your relationship with animals too. Tell me your favorite, worst and why and also what irks you regarding animal cruelty.