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muttering minds

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8 min read

“All these feelings you’re feeling is a cry out from your inner self for its freedom and peace. You need what you need and it won’t stop until you give yourself what you need. But what happens when your only hope is your job? Well, you can switch to a workplace or job that’s less consuming of yourself and time while you wait for your own thing which may not be so easy. My advice is to cry out to your spirit asking for something to be done.”

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Lately, I feel I’ve been living on borrowed life, yesterday felt like I had one last straw from it. I was brain dead, a collision occurred in my brain that generated so much fog, I couldn’t process anything. I was in a training meeting with my boss via Whatsapp call and for a very long time in forever, I met that terrified child again. That terrified child who was scared to death of mathematics and several attempts of learning and scoldings from the teacher proved abortive. 

maths anxiety
Source- Medium

“Is this the life I want to live? Is this what I really want to spend my days doing? Talking to clients? I don’t even have my own time, now this?!” While I had zoned into oblivion from the step by step and back and forth training wherein I had made countless mistakes, these questions bugged my mind. My heart felt so sore and my eyes filled with tears, and to maintain relevance and communication throughout the meeting, all I could mumble were weak “yeahs and yeses”, for the times she either asked, “Doris are you following?” “You get this right?”.

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My body graduated to rioting, it could no longer take it. It felt like a moment with an oppressor, where they cross the thin line and you’re torn between blowing up or utilizing the respect reserved for them to save sanity. I was on the verge of screaming “You know what! FUCK IT! I QUIT!” because what are all these? However, despite the rage inside me, I still couldn’t morsel the courage. I decided to seek courage elsewhere by sending a message to two of my friends; “What if I quit my job today?” I texted.

Don't Rush To Quit Your tormenting Job

While one didn’t show up at my rage party, the other responded “Aww damn. Sorry honey, I hate to see you pissed. Can you wait small and not do it this minute? Please babe, I just wanna be sure the decision is not solely fuelled by your present frustration. Surely you will leave the job, I’m just trying to be wary of the timing for you. Sorry babe. I can tell you aren’t happy. Or is there anything about the job that I don’t know?”

At This Point

At this point, I knew courage would not be found, especially not in the way that I want it. That moment where you’re hoping someone could be your pillar in making a decision, so it feels a little better, but they don’t feel it like you do, hence courage is lost in space. There’s this thing I do when my circle of friends is not telling me what I want to hear, I seek the advice of a total stranger or someone at arm’s length from my circle. 

tormenting job

“Hey Sydney, at what point did you quit your job?” I sent him a mail. Sydney is one of my pals on Naked Minds, we got vibing when I wrote a story about how distressed I felt working. The quoted statement at the beginning of this post is a snippet from his response. I felt relieved, however, although coming face to face with the truth he said, I still couldn’t find the courage to quit. I managed to suppress the teardrops from my inner self, but for how long?

 

How I Got Here

I lost a very toxic job thanks to the pandemic, although I didn’t see the blessing until much later. Yeah, you’ll definitely go broke losing a job but surprisingly, it didn’t bother me as much cause all I was concerned with was making peace with my inner self, which I eventually found and cherished. I finally won the fight against imposter syndrome and not having to see my beastly boss project her insecurities. It was a good peace feeling, I had time for Muttering Minds and was able to nurture it to a large extent and I remember saying to myself  “Mehn! This is it! I don’t think I want a job again, I just want to grow it here till something financially positive begins to manifest.”

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tormenting job patience image

I vowed not to be bound by any organization again, I could take up freelancing but not as a full staff, that was how contented I felt. But you see, contentment also has a way of downplaying your comfort zone, at a point, it starts to look like ‘see finish’ and you begin to want more. I ran out of cash to sustain myself and my needs and rather than say a prayer for fuelled patience, I cried to my creator for a new job. 

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This new job involves writing too, not the type that I entirely love but for the sake of money, I accepted. Maybe you got a wrong impression about my boss due to my frustrated analysis but nah, she’s the best I’ve found so far, my inner self is only being itself by rebelling against the things that it hates.

tormenting job work from home

Although I work from home, it has gotten even worse than leaving my house. Working from home is a lowkey scam! It involves so much encroaching on personal time. One thing that upsets me so much about the workplace is that it is fast becoming like the school system. Bosses make everything mandatory and feel they can switch you from one role to another, bending you against your will to multitask. Why am I mandated to do a presentation at work? Why am I hired to write and then, later on, made to joggle that with marketing? I couldn’t wait to be out of school cause everything came from an angle of force, not passion, now the work system oozes just the same way and I hate it. 

It’s often classified as a part of learning new skills, well hello! I’m not interested, these things kill my brain especially when I’m not passionate about it. I am content with being a writer and excelling at it. I am not someone who plays the jack of all trade because I want to be woke in all ramifications. It’s okay for me not to know some things, I’m open to brief learning here and there whilst dedicating full time to perfect the things I’m really passionate about. Is anything wrong with this?

tormenting job passion

But unfortunately, my boss wouldn’t let me breathe. She sees it as a weakness to not know everything. The difference between my previous work and this one is that when I started off with the previous, I was passionate about it, despite several mistakes that would make me cry and question my worth, I was still willing to give it a shot, I was still willing to give in my best and eventually I got better, better enough to be among the best writers. I left because the workload started to impede my creativity, I was working from a tired point every time, and to save the remaining creative juice I had left, I took advantage of the pandemic. 

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Now this job involves writing and consulting for clients. Writing I can take but consulting is so much. It’s not a career path I’m interested in, except the writing aspect which is even not as interesting as I love. Is it too much to ask your boss to streamline your work roles? Contemplating these roles makes me sick and it’s made me develop anxiety lately. 

work anxiety

How I Feel & Why I’m Scared

I am a creative who’s suddenly found herself in a dark box, my craving for free will is not making it easier. I function better when I work at my pace but unfortunately, life hasn’t presented me with many options.

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My phobia for having an empty pocket is what makes me betray my inner self by not letting go despite the pressure. I know my inner self will cry again, I know I’ll suppress her for the umpteenth time, but for how long? The rope keeps getting thinner and thinner and it’ll cut one day. I know. All I crave is a decent work role with defined timelines and very importantly, peace of mind. I hate anything that gives me anxiety, but my job is. The more I try to fit into these forceful shoes, I lose myself and I don’t even enjoy anything. I really want out but I’m more of a coward.

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Amid the dead bones, amid the brain drain, I’m cowardly carrying on till life presents me with a better option where I can finally live my full potential and make my inner self smile eternally.

Want Inner Peace? tormenting job

What Is Stressing You Darling?

The moment I figured April is stress awareness month, for a second I was pissed because I thought that we should be more vocal about it like we do for other awareness days. But I guess because it has no ingredient of love in it like the trivial boyfriend and girlfriend’s awareness day lol, that’s why it’s overlooked.  

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I am fucking stressed about a few things but the one thing at the top of the food chain is my job, this is because it’s crept so much into my personal life and leaves me with no choice. I decided to be vocal about it here, not with hopes that I might find a grand solution, but there’s a certain magic attached to opening up, you might not get the exact solution you’re looking for, but it places you at an almost accurate point of relief. Writing these lines made me feel better for some reason…

tormenting job

On this note, I’ll beckon that you do the same. What’s stressing you out darling? Is it a tormenting job? Your relationship, marriage, family, friendship? etc. I’m craving your vulnerability on this one, let it all out in the comment section. The idea is to make this post a ‘vent room’, for us to let out the most bothersome thing and frustration in our hearts. I could give you an advice or two, and from reading mine, feel free to give advice too. And if you find a similar situation you broke free from relayed by a fellow commenter, feel free to offer your advice.

Shall we darling? Please narrate sincerely in the comment section what’s stressing your life. 🤗👇👇

 

 

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7 min read

Whenever adult male virginity is raised in a conversation, there is usually an expected glare of surprise, and a dominating culture shock filling the atmosphere. Like Jeeeezzzzz it’s almost impossible to believe that even a day-old male child is a virgin, talk more of an adult. Losing virginity for the male folk has always been an ego massager and a level of bragging rights. Typical Nigerian parlance, you’ll often hear guys bant  “You don fuck girl before?”, or a not so diplomatic mockery from a fellow man to another, “Why you dey behave like virgin”, which in the actual sense means “You ought to be smart”. Isn’t it ridiculous that there seems to be an almost generalized assumption that male virgins are not smart? It also sounds absurd that for a man to be well respected, he must have had sex with a lady, and the higher the body count, the higher the respect accorded him. 

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Do men even understand what it means to wait? Unlike we women whereby virginity is used as a social construct to tame us, you know how we ladies especially as teenagers fondly gushed with these lines “I’ll like to wait till marriage”, “I made an oath with God that I wouldn’t lose my virginity until marriage”, “My virginity is sacred”, and so on. It’s almost impossible to find a man that upholds any of these and even if he exists, he mostly lacks the confidence to be vocal about it, I’m sure you know why.

male virginity
Source- Essence

Maybe I’m Wrong…

So a few years ago I met this dude who I vibed with so much and you know how youthful exuberant-inclined conversations play out, both parties are always curious about the other person’s sex life. And boom he hit me with the “I’m a virgin” line and also went ahead to preach chastity. The only logical question I could ask him was “Are you a virgin for lack of opportunity or it’s a decision?”  He maintained that it’s his decision and went all preachy about the spiritual implication of having sex. Well well, he was 25-years-old at the time and four years down the line, he’s lost his virginity at 29. Finding out, I said to him “Dude you know what, I need you to share your experience on your long spanned virginity on Muttering Minds. Male virginity is a topic that should be explored”. Thankfully he agreed…

adult male virginity
Source- Life Hacker

His Story…

Despite losing my virginity at a very shocking age (29) for my gender, sex still remains a very sacred act to me. Can’t deny I had sexual fantasies as a teenager which I think is normal, but I grew up in a religious home where rather than attending to my fantasies, it was only wise to follow the status quo which was being chaste. My mother did a good job of making sure we followed suit. 

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However, getting to my 20’s, I started knowing girls on a deeper wavelength and the urges naturally came. I had my share of wet dreams too and most mornings I woke to sperm splatter all over my briefs and sometimes an erection. I also watched porn sometimes but never masturbated instead I indulged in some freaky shit when in close corners with ladies like kissing, smooching but it never led to ejaculation or sex. I was careful because I had read about the spiritual implications, like diseases, bad luck, ancestral curses and so on that can be transferred through sex, so waiting felt like the right thing to do. It was also a personal decision too, I did not want to tie my soul with anyone that will not be my wife.

Male Virginity
Source- Cooglife

I was not vocal about my virginity, I was not shy about it either because I understood it was not easy to stay chaste, so I didn’t rub it on a fornicator’s face. I didn’t boast about it either and I also was not ashamed of it when asked. And even when I met guys who boasted about their sex life, I never felt intimidated at all because I knew they don’t really know what they are engaging in. For my female friends, I always gave and still give advice on how not to get exploited or abused sexually. 

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Despite being vocal about my virginity when I could, I was never a turn-off for ladies, rather they found it attractive. They often said “who will pop you? She must be lucky bla bla bla…” Matter of fact, male virgins are always attractive to the female folks, they smell the pheromone from afar, and find it very sexually attractive. 

The History of Pheromones | male virginity
Source- Hankering For History

I lost my virginity because of my girlfriend, I had starved her for many years sexually, so I decided that when I will eventually have sex with her will be closed to getting married to her. But unfortunately, we didn’t get married again. My first sex felt good and worth it, although I cummed quick and felt like an amateur, subsequently, I learned the science… “before I cum, I make her cum, that’s what I came to do”

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And of course, I will be elated to marry a virgin. There is a special blessing attached to that. It’s ideal to meet your husband or wife as a virgin. Though society makes it look wack, it doesn’t mean it’s not a virtue. My advice for both genders is to stay sealed. Keep your virginity till you find the right partner. There are so many benefits to staying chaste. There is no benefit in promiscuity. None!! 

male virginity
Source- Vice

 

HMMMMM

I’m guessing you poked some areas in his story or maybe not. Well, we both know that his opinion is rare especially judging by the evolvement of the world where chastity doesn’t make the news. I remember a conversation with a pal on Naked Minds, he asked me what sex meant to me and I told him sex was sex to me and it upset him. He felt I wasn’t being open enough. To date, I often wonder what he expected me to say. I must be frank, the whole spiritual attachment to sex seems scary, and due to not wanting to overthink it, I resolved some time ago to see sex as a mere scientific face valued activity for reproduction or pleasure. 

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Come to think of it, why is it that virtually all adult virgins on planet earth indulge in one form of sexual activity or the other, some very intense like blowjobs and sucking boobies. I have never met a completely chaste virgin why??? I tag it fraudulent. If you want to be chaste, then be it in all forms! 

msle virginity
Source- GQ

On this note, I have some pertinent questions I’ll like to pick your brains on. Do you agree that sex is more spiritual than scientific? Please share your reasons.  However, just like he exists, I am certain there are some other male virgins out there and I’ll really love to hear varying opinions. If you’re a male virgin reading this, I’m curious to know, how vocal are you about your non-sexual life? Has it been a case of waiting for you or lack of opportunity and inferiority complex? 

Now, to non-virgin males, prior to losing your virginity, did you understand the concept of ‘waiting’ or you were only eager to know what the cookie tasted like?

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Also, it’s ironic that my friend said ladies found it attractive he was a virgin, I know for certain, most men avoid ladies who are virgins for mostly fear of blood and lack of performance, I would have sworn ladies avoided men too. To the ladies reading this, what’s your opinion about male virginity? Can you date a guy who’s a virgin?

I know its so many pointers in one story, but we can discuss, right😊? Please leave me your honest comments below 👇👇.

 

 

 

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9 min read

Dear mum, do you sometimes feel like my social life is ruined because of the man you married? I see it in your eyes, whenever you talk about some specific kids my age, the opportunities they get, and how you wish one of your kids will at least catwalk in similar shoes. You want more, I see it but for the most part, you’re scared you would never get it. The entirety of your wanting more is for your kids and you’re too scared to admit that things could have been more bliss but for the glitch in parenting. I know deep down when you have your sober reflections, you cut a larger piece of the blame for yourself. You detest the social awkwardness your children suffer but unfortunately, it is who we are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself mum, or fault the stricken strictness of your husband, I must confess, I’ve grown to enjoy the beauty of my personhood, I’m entertained by my baby steps even in adulthood.

Dear Mum
Source- Curly Nikky

Why worry about my love life mum? Did you expect I would have tied the knot so easy? You did I know, and it’s a shame. How do you plant corn seeds and expect to reap big tubers of yam? Every time you say “Ujunwa you must marry o, onye amuru na amu ibe ya (He that is birthed must birth)”, I get attracted to the frustration that strengthens the tone of your voice and the confused rotation of your eyes. You hate my nonchalance towards marriage I know, hence me making sure my first response is usually “Na so” (a payback maybe). Even though you emphasize my age, I know it’s the least of your worries. You’re scared something is wrong with me psychologically, you regret not creating a bond between us from inception. Well, I used to be a lot in my feelings when I was much younger about this, especially when I hear someone say “My mum is my best friend”, I lowkey hated them for having what I could never have, but along the line, I figured it’s still surreal to have best friends who are not mums. 

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dear mum
Source- Proverbs 31

Hmmm, mum, you mean to tell me that one day, I’ll have to foot the bills of my kids as you and Dad do? Scary shit! I think of you sometimes and I wonder how rich you’ll have become if you didn’t birth any kids. “Mummy this! Mummy that! Mummy this” from every corner of the home even down to the extended family. When I was younger, I was lowkey scared, I thought you needed help psychologically because there was rarely a time I’ll barge into your room and not find you talking to yourself. “Watch mummy, she’s always talking to herself”, I once hinted at my sister frightfully, but the she-goat wasn’t as sensitive. Reminiscing on those moments as an adult, now I can relate. The bills were so overwhelming, I bet you cried your eyes silly sometimes but stupid me always bragged to my friends in high school about how rich my parents are. It’s not my fault, there was not one thing I asked that you didn’t make sure was provided, even when dad reiterated how trivial it was, you made sure I and my siblings got it.

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I had never felt so much guilt spending your money until the conversation we had some time last month and you openly said your salary before you retired banking was N120,000. What!! I held myself throughout the gist and amid the laughter, I was breaking inside and that night I suffered a lack of sleep and shed a few tears thinking about you and how much dad’s salary would have been too because he was also a banker. The salary you used in sustaining a home was my first job salary which I considered too small, I still cannot imagine how you were able to send 5 kids to good schools, clothing, feeding, etc. I regret tripling my school fees and money for handouts, I guess I was influenced by my brother who one time said to me “Anything they ask you to pay for in school, better double it, mummy and daddy have money, they’re just pretending”. For some reason, these words stuck with me through university, If I had known how much you were earning I swear I would have been considerate.

dear mum
Source- Alpha Image

The Sex Conversation

Another thing I’ll be shocked to find out is if you still have sex mum. I watch you and sometimes your eyes tell that you’re unhappy for some key reasons yet you run with the bias that “mothers are supposed to keep the home, and not show fragility!” I see how you smile watching your favourite sitcom, ‘The Johnsons’, especially the hilarious lovey-dovey scenes of the couple characters Emu and Lucky. You wish you could share love gestures like that with your husband huh? I know. Do you still have sex? I doubt. I figured you got tired of wanting some things and adjusted, now you’re such a good actor who suffers a romantic awkwardness with her husband. I wish we could have a sex conversation, I long to know your definition of a spark and your fantasies about marriage. It’s glaring there’s a lot you hide in those cupboards locked in your eyes.

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I know you’re eager to know if I’m sexually active too but you’re not sure if my answer will break or merry your heart. You could have asked during the Vagina pills conversation, but you blew your shot by feigning ignorance as usual. Well, I suffered genophobia for decent years and all I needed were the words of a mum or better put, my mum, holding my hands and saying summarily to me “It’s not that deep”

Genophobia dear mum
Source- Deviant Art

 

The Death Conversation

I hate how brutally honest you’re with death, although you’re dramatic when you cry over death, yet your move on is superb. When I lost my close friend Blessing and always cried my eyes out and got scared to sleep, I hated how you handled it. “You better stop crying, your friend has left this wicked world and you’ll leave one day too”, despite admitting you’ve never seen me that broken yet you refused me succour. You said the bitter truth though but still…you made me question your tendencies of being heartless especially when I hinted at seeing her in my dream and you quickly rebuked it. I went on to ask if you’ve seen your late father in the dream and with a much covered up hostile tone, you responded  “What for? My father is resting peacefully, only dead people who are bad are seen in dreams”. This tops the list of  the ignorant things  you’ve ever said.

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If you die today Mum, I’ll still love to host you in my dreams just to have you echo my name, and annoy me with silly chores like calling me on the phone to help you get something from the fridge even though you’re seated literally at arm’s length from the fridge. I’ll still love to see you for sometime mum. You’re right about the need to move on after death, I just hate your approach in telling it.

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donate a penny muttering minds

A Few Yet Huge Lessons

You are not among the most popular or powerful women in the world, not every mum is. We might not have had any tangible mother-daughter conversation, it doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything from you. I have learned so much. Ooo boy! You’re a fervent preacher of ‘Savings’, although I somewhat hate how you preach it harshly and remind me of impending sufferings if I do not adhere. I know you think I’m a dummy in this aspect but ever heard of the saying “Never tell your parents how much you’re earning and how much you’ve saved”? Don’t be scared, I have some little saved. And your trenchant wit quote “Not having money is a sin” has become my mantra too, again don’t be scared, I wouldn’t end up poor.

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I learned the beauty of  “Support being reciprocal” from you. When I observed that sometimes the blended tomatoes in the house is sometimes sour and other times sweet. I asked why and you opened up about rotating two different sellers. I complained that you ditched the bad tomato seller but you told me it wasn’t possible because both women buy from you. You added that support is reciprocal and that even if it meant having to eat not too good tomatoes for a week, you’ll bear it. Since that conversation mum, I make sure to support every friend’s business who reads my blog as much as I can. However, in an attempt to practice rotating among my two cloth vendor friends who are dedicated readers of my blog, like the bad tomato seller, one served me shitty customer service, to date, I have not gotten my dress. My encounter is not to nullify your lesson on support but opens my eyes on the unreliable nature of some folks.

lessons from my dear mum
Source- Purpose Focus Commitment

*******

Dear mum, most of the words written here are the conversations I wish we could have or you should know. This should be the right opportunity but unfortunately, you don’t read my blog. No, I’m not pissed, I promise. I only feel it’s a subconscious tit for tat as I hate to unhook your bra on most occasions. No hard feelings, only that you mostly show up when I’m having a not-so-good time.

ABOUT YOUR MUM

Last week was mother’s day and before it,  I’ve been asking some close friends when exactly is Mother’s day cause I know there’s usually an established confusion with the dates, all thanks to varying church denominations. I had prepared pointers for this story some months ago and felt having it published on Mother’s Day would be great but how unfortunate, I missed the rapture. I was amused to see “happy mothers day mum”, on almost everyone’s story last Sunday and went on to query my friend Bubu for not keeping me abreast. Her hilarious response via chat was “Who you blame? This one is not acknowledged on Google, they said this one na pentecostal mother’s day, catholic’s own is still coming, then the one that is recognized worldwide is on its way too”.

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Hmmmmm, rather than miss the next and even the next, I decided to have this post come up today because there’s every likelihood that I’m gonna be caught unaware the umpteenth time. Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?

Mother's Day letter
Source- Learned English

Anyway, I want us to talk about our mothers today, not in the cliche way that we’re fond of, for instance “My mum is the best mum in the world”, you know that’s a fallacy right? I want this version of describing mums to be real, vulnerable, and unique. Those little and big bits you’ve observed about your mum, those words you wish you could say, conversations you should have had, let’s talk! Telling some sides of the story will most definitely hurt you, or make you tear up like I did when writing this, but I want you to be vulnerable in telling. If your mother is late or peradventure you were abandoned as a child, I urge you, don’t feel left out, please share. I’m sure you have memories and if not, there are still some things you wish you could say to them. Feel free.

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Like you’ve read mine, please leave yours in the comment section so we can all learn. You might not be able to write as long as I did, but I’m sure you can pick an intense part of the narrative to relay. So shall we👇👇.

 

 

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9 min read

Brushing my fingertips round and about my pubic hairs spread across my pelvic and around the lips of my vagina on many nights I’ve lost count, it is such a sweet feeling I cannot explain🤤. I play with the hairs, untangle them whilst scrolling through Instagram feeds with my other hand or trying to put me to bed. You can’t tell me otherwise, this is the best self-inflicting lullaby in the world🛌. So unfortunate, babies do not have pubic hairs, I could have recommended this therapy for nursing mums. Lol, I bet you just pictured a baby having pubic hairs🤣. At times I shave and I’m angry cause there’s nothing to hypnotize me in bed for the next two weeks🥲. How funny, Sometimes I forget I cleared the lawn, I happily dip my hands in my panties only to have my fingers walk on a distasteful bald head, yuck! What a bad night for the cut😒!? Shaving is no doubt sexy but I’ll rather not a clean one, trimming is my holy grail🤤. Ps. this does not apply to my underarm😑.

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I feel it’s absolutely normal to itch your pelvic region and smell it. I’m always eager to know what it smells like😴. I hate the hypocrisy on social media, remind me of that Big Brother Naija housemate who was caught on camera digging for some gold down there and went ahead to smell the roses afterward😂. He attracted so much mockery for doing something normal. Best believe for every 9 out of 10, whenever my fingers find themselves in my pelvic, once they’re out, I sniff😇. I want to know what I smell like always, I want to know how awful or sweet,  if they need more work or you know😉. How do I present a feast I have no idea how it tastes to the sons of men to devour🤭? It’s like cooking for a guest without tasting it, how do you know if it needs more or less salt or maybe pepper? Let’s quit the pretense, please. Damn you! I also smell my panties most times when I take them off🙄.

pubic hair fondling
Source- E-quick

Sleep- You’ll mostly find me hugging my pillow or having it tucked in-between my legs when I’m asleep. And if I’m not sleeping stark naked, I’m either sleeping with only a polo on or wearing only my pants. And if push comes to shove with the weather, my pyjamas and hoodie comes to my rescue🛌.

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Love- Jokes on the big idiot who came up with the phrase “love don’t cost a thing”, such foolish talk😑! to please who if I may ask? Love costs many things for me, apart from time and money, I hate that it keeps me on my toes, sometimes I’m so grounded in work and for an entire six hours, I’ve forgotten I have a boyfriend😖. And my phone beeps, shit! This nigga beat me to it, I guess he just remembered he has a girlfriend too😂.

pubic hair dating meme

Family- This is where forced love takes seed in me. I wish I could tell everyone off on this tree sometimes, but I’ve grown to realize the way they are unbearable sometimes to me is the same way I am to them🥺. I’m so unclear to my family members, I’ve learned to save them the trauma of discovering who I truly am and I think it’s okay😊. The most important thing is that I fulfill my quota as a member and everyone does the same, this way we find happiness🤗.

pubic hairs

Kids- I’m ashamed to admit I got zero tolerance for kids🥴, the same way I react over an adult’s mistake of spilling water on the floor, is the same way I react when a kid does same😑. I feel like I need saving in this regard because I intend to  birth kids someday too😍.

pubic hair stand kids

Friends– I have a handful of close friends, lowkey I think they are angry at me for not picking a best😏. But picking a best will make me solely dependent on someone who thinks it’s okay to be foolish even at serious moments🤣. I often wonder why good friends first laugh at your misery before figuring how to help though. Also what if I pick a best friend who cannot provide me with all the solutions? Friendship should be treated like work too, just like we deliver on our areas of strengths at work, friendship should be the same😁. Don’t you dare stress my brain! You ought to have several options to run to.

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Dogs- I have two dogs and I wish they could talk, like real talk🗣. I figure I’ve made some wrong turns in life, I could use their advice because humans have failed me in this regard😖. I hate it when someone tries to mimic my dogs when they bark or say “shut up!” “stupid dog”, and then they project some boring laughter too, perhaps laughing at their own stupidity because I don’t get what’s so funny😖? Utterly disrespectful! How do you see a dog and resolve to insults and sometimes throw stones🥺? I often wish I could release my dogs for a chase so we’ll see who gets the last laugh😑. Whenever I hear tales that someone got bitten by a dog, in my mind I’m happy, dancing for joy🤣. Excuse me sir/ma, what did you do? I need to hear from the other party. Gosh! I really wish dogs could talk🥺.

dogs memes pubic hair
Source- Reddit

Colleagues- (Except for few exceptions) If we work in the same place, I find it offensive that you’re looking me up on social media🙄. Trying to know how crazy my family is or what’s off about my personality? Why though?? Why do you wanna know me?? The only business we should have is work, I play my part excellently and that’s it😐. Office get-togethers have got to be the sickest initiative to come into existence, now what?? Should I get drunk in front of you all and dance my titties out🙄? Hell no! You won’t even come as far as viewing my WhatsApp status, I block you if I have to save your number and if I on a day the Lord made find your status on my feed, you’re blocked immediately. Honey, I do not wish to know you on that level, okay?😶

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Nice- “I think you’re nice Uju, can we be friends?” For reasons best known to God, I still haven’t figured out why I hate being classified as “nice”🤣. I feel the word holds so much sentiment and shouldn’t be used in describing anyone.  Ps. I’m not nice! don’t put me on that pedestal because by the time you see a fraction of my craze, you’ll feel like you’ve betrayed yourself and that shit hurts🧐. The word ‘nice’ messes so bad with my brain to a grave extent that if you ever say to me “I need you to meet *****, he’s a nice man”, I swear, I’m not meeting them🙄. And then when I ask you “how’s my outfit?”, you respond “It’s nice”, I automatically conclude you lack the core ingredients of being human, you should be a paper bag or something😪.

nice guy synrome pubic hair
Source- Reddit

Food- Work comes first for me, for a fact, if I’m not getting a task right, I don’t see why I should eat🧐. Sometimes I feel my stomach groaning for help but my coconut brain is trying to finish up a task first so I plead with my stomach to plead with my brain to come through so that we all can be happy😁. Food tastes so much better for me when my mind is fulfilled on a task👍.

Sweets- I chew sweets the moment they land their feet on my tongue, Do you lick or chew sweets? Do people really lick sweets? Do you? 🤔

Looks- Not my client getting thrilled after visiting this website (Muttering Minds) and affirming he wouldn’t pay me my balance until he sees what I look like. Must be crack right😏? What is it with people and wanting to know how I look? Enjoy the conversation dammit😑! I prefer to commune via chats (mails especially) with people I don’t know from adam, I don’t care to imagine how or what they look like. You soil the relationship the moment you ask to see what I look like😑. Don’t ask! I’ll randomly send you jpegs on my very good days, be patient😂.

i didn't ask, I don't care pubic hair

Phone Calls-  I slightly get irked or really irritated whenever my phone rings especially if I’m not expecting a delivery😒. More than half the time I don’t pick up, I find myself contemplating a thousand and over reasons why you must be calling me😏. Text is better, it lessens my anxiety. The most annoying thing is calling me when my phone’s hotspot is connected to my laptop☹, now I how to wait for your call to stop before I continue working, the audacity! My mum is guilty of this, I’ve pleaded with her several times to call me preferably on Whatsapp if she must but no, African parents make the rules🤦‍♀️. She rings my phone for every reason in the world, sometimes she calls me just to tell me how she doesn’t understand why my dad is not picking her calls and that I should check if he’s home, I figure my dad is tired too🤣. I enjoy phone calls sometimes though, but that’s rare.

pubic hair I hate phone calls

STUPID STATEMENTS/ QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

“In no particular Order”- I automatically conclude you’re a blatant liar the moment you say this before calling out names. The first few names you called are the ones most important to you; they wouldn’t come first in your head if they aren’t, so quit lying through your teeth😑.

“Kindly follow back”– Hellooo!!! I’ve seen you followed me and that’s on you🙄. Now can you let me decide if to follow back or not? Is it supposed to be blood for blood🙄?

“Are you good in bed?”– How do you expect me to know? So dumb! 😖 You should ask people who’ve had their share of the cake. Besides its relative, what’s good for them might be bad for you🙅‍♀️.

pubic hair crush memes

“Do you have a crush?”- I’m sorry I cannot relate🙄, especially with how people describe what their crushes do to them. I am not possessed please🤣🤣.

“What’s your best color?”- If I’ve ever given you an answer to this question, I was only trying to curtail your leeching curiosity🤣. I do not have a best color, yellow can look good on a tee but very alarming on my feet. It depends on the item really. If you have a favorite color you are a cow🤣🤣

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“Can you do me a Favor?”- Do you expect me to say no upfront☹? Don’t start a conversation with me on these lines, go ahead and say what you want, and then leave my capacity to be the judge😐.

pubic hair- can you do me a favor

NOW PICK THE BATON!!

Sure you’ve been wondering what kind of individual wears such a weighty personality🤣🤣. Well, that’s me and I may be pleased to meet you too🤭. This week  I took time to think introspectively about my personality, especially these bits. I realize that they go a long way in defining my personhood😄. I thought of sharing it with you all, with high hopes that you’ll check my list or cross them😁. It’s a long list I know, but I’m curious to ask, do we share some traits at least😅? Tell me what and what we have in common😉, and which of them leaves you in shock🤣🤣.  You can also add more to your list even the ones I didn’t state. I’m somewhat happy I got to write this so that whenever someone harrasses me with the “tell me about yourself” question, I’ll just pull up with this link🤣🤣🤣. God bless their aching souls they hate reading 🤣🤣🤣.

As usual, I’ll kill a roach to have your comments so please, indulge me. Tell me about you too and how connected we are in the comments section. 😄👇👇

 

 

 

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7 min read

The muscles on my thighs vibrate, hanging halfway in the air whilst his pelvic pounds hard on mine as they position rightly between them. My hands are spread apart like a crucifix and my fingers at both sides yearn to grab bits of the bedsheet for support amid the intense movement of his joystick in and inner my vagina. I’m on a cloud nine gasping for air on a missionary 5.0 journey, my moans filled the room, not sure what words my lips call “ummmmh moooahhh ahaaa haaa”,  I bite my lips softly too.

My ears and face are greeted warmly by his breath rush; he’s still hitting hard on my inner walls like he needs to unlock a new limit. He’s lost in the moment, never seen him this vulnerable at the mercy of every region my body holds. How do I get him to stop? This is surreal! But I love to be the one on top you know, moving my waistline celestially while his project overwhelms me beneath with beautiful strokes.  “Aaahhh ummm…stoppp baby…aaahhh”, I moaned unclearly, and whilst still in, he looks at me seductively in the eyes, withdraws his dick two inches away, and starts sucking intensely on my tits. Oh gracious me, what have I done to warrant this sweetly heavenly gift on a platter?! No matter what mood I’m wearing, I’ll kill to have my aurelia pampered, my nipples sucked, pinched, and bitten softly. Forget the clitoris; my tits’ my g-spot!

Read: My First Sex Experience; Take Back Home
valentine's sex
Source- XNXX

Ooh dammit! My head clicked, it’s Valentine’s Day! Chris had mentioned on previous nights that he’ll go overboard to sweep me off my clit and here I am wondering if he is on some Viagra.  Never have I wanted more from a valentine’s sex. Finally, I feel a warm outpour inside me, awwwww, he’s gotten a valentine’s orgasm, yet he tries to morsel some more strokes but his dick melts softly and slips away from my vagina. “Good morning baby”, he says shortly after pecking me on the lips. “Happy Valentine’s sex mi lover”, I wore so much satisfaction in my face even though low-key I wished I was the one on top and also had an orgasm. But it’s no biggie, there’s an eternity for me to enjoy him scrubbing his carrot in my oven.

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My guts were so excited that morning I felt he had more up his sleeves but I couldn’t tell what and what exactly. Was he gonna propose? We had been dating for six months, he gets me and I think I do the same for him too. The sex he brings to the table’s so fiery, smiles on his face crossed the borders of perfection, and the way he cares about me, sometimes I’m prompted to ask “Baby are you Jesus?” I once read somewhere that every man should experience a fraction of heaven at least here on earth. Chris is my heaven and did I mention, he’s an exceptional cook, you should have a fill of his shrimp jollof rice or egg sauce with vegetables and cuts of mackerel, I promise you’ll want my man even though you’re a man. This is a fact!

cuddle naked on valentine's sex
Source- Pintrest

Still lying nude and wrapped in his embrace whilst my boobs pressed hard on his chest and kissing him, Chris stretched his left hand and opened the drawer by the side of the bed; he kissed my forehead and said “Open it baby”.  It’s an envelope, but what could be inside? I sat upright and pressed on the envelope with my fingers, trying to see if I could guess what was inside. Felt like a bunch of paper and my mind thought “O dear! Could it be money? Preferably dollars?” I poured the content on the bed and OMG! Complete papers for an all-expense-paid trip to Bora Bora!!

valentine's sex

I’ve always gushed about how much I craved relaxing at Matira beach and playing around its crystal clear waters and soft sand. He’s also an adventure lover who amongst many islands in the world has his mind more fixated on visiting the Dormant Volcano and Mount Otemanu for some challenging hiking. “Gosh! baby I love you so much!”…I couldn’t hold my excitement, it was the break I needed, I grabbed him by the neck and started to kiss him so hard yet passionately. Oh Chris, nothing more validates you’re more than my fraction of heaven on this earth that I live. Finally, I got my desired break, away from the backache that comes with slouching to write, away from the world but with my world Chris❤.

best place for valentine's sex

 

SNAPBACK TO REALITY😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣 This was me some nights ago romanticizing my thoughts on how I’ll love to celebrate valentine at least for a first🤭. I thought so deeply about these scenes and I said to myself “You know what? Since you have no idea what to post for Valentine, why not pen this?” I also figured it’ll be a good way to test my skills in writing some fiction sex story, not sure I’ve ever written fiction before. So be the judge, how did I fare? Good or? 

Hmmmmm about valentine’s day…am I the only one who has never had a proper valentine’s celebration before?💁‍♀️ I intended to do a “throwback to my first valentine” post and I reminisced on the past only to realize none of the memories hold water🥲. I asked my friend Nneoma if she could be a contributor to sustain a good story and she sent me a VN that fucking killed me with laughter🤣🤣🤣. “Ujunwa should I tell you the truth? You no go believe me if I tell you this thing o.” She went ahead. “I’ve never had a valentine’s gift, I’ve never had a valentine’s date. Most times I spend my valentine evenings in the church because we always have a program for the youths, you know all these relationship talks and stuff. I’ve never had a valentine’s date o😪, you know most times I no know whether dem swear for me o. Like this now, the guy I’ve been dating since August last year, Just January, he said it’s over. So you see, I’m cursed. Maybe by March, I’ll get another boyfriend as they always skip the February part. I’ve never had a valentine’s gift from anybody, not even a hello friend. Sha pray for me on that matter so that I go fit contribute to your valentine post next year”.

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before valentine's sex

Her response made me laugh so hard that at the end of it, I realized many of us had the same story too🤣🤣🤣. Last year was slightly different for me though, I got to exchange gifts with bae but that was after the pressure sunk into our guts. I’ve never been so aware of valentine until last year as I was one of those who felt the day doesn’t cut it. You know that very bullshit talk “Valentine is overrated, I can show my bae love anytime”, the blood of Christ🥺! I didn’t know it was my broke spirit clouding my judgment🤣🤣.

valentine's sex

But last year, from the workspace, I got depressed seeing all the lovey-dovey moves on social media and even in the office😔. “Are these ones mad? Bloody show-offs🙄🙄”, I cursed under my breath seeing my boss’s husband showing up at the office with surprise flowers and other eye-watering gifts for his wife🤣🤣. Also, my other colleagues received gifts, frankly, I wished I had superpowers to vanish my existence from the office that very minute. My heart was bleeding!!😪

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valentine's sex surprise

“Yes hello🙄,” I picked bae’s call rolling my eyes. He went talking about some other stuff that didn’t matter at the time. In my mind, I was like “Is it that this man lives on another planet for God’s sake😣! Doesn’t he have a phone? Can’t he see💁‍♀️!” Very likely he noticed I wasn’t sounding all excited, so after a while, he asked: “What would you love for valentine’s day baby”. There was a sudden leap in my heart, it screamed: “Thank you Jesus!!! the young man got sight after all”🤣🤣.

Read: Men Talk! How To Get Rid of Boners in Public

Normal ladies trick, I began beating around the bush like I do not already have a thousand and over screenshots of likely gifts from IG😅. Well to cut the story short, bae later opened up to me about not being a valentine’s person too but all he’s been seeing online made him question his existence🤣🤣. He had the mind of not getting me anything as he felt it didn’t matter to me too. “God saved you🙄”, I screamed in my mind as he narrated. And yessssss we got our gifts and this year also we’ve already gotten gift sets for ourselves too because we are both averse to going out on Valentine’s Day🤮. I totally hate the idea of everyone thinking I’m all out to fornicate on that day🤭, I’ll rather cuddle my pillow and of course watch all the love shenanigans on the gram😁.

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most memorable valentine's sex

How about you? Have you ever had a memorable valentine or you’re like my friend Nneoma🤭? Also like I narrated my valentine’s fantasy, do you have any you’re nursing too? It’ll be great if you share in the comments section. Common! Don’t hold back, I love to hear all about your valentine escapades and generally what you feel about Valentine😅. Leave me a comment baby.👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

And if you die, and all that happens is nothingness, how would you feel? My question is pointless because since it’s nothingness, you cannot feel anything. Your body lays in the wait; for a moment you’re still fresh, then you bloat, and thereafter metamorphose into active then advanced decay. How unfair, all you lived for was to end up becoming a bag of bones, six feet under the ground, if care is not taken, your graveside is shown no respect too as it becomes a stop, sit and gist hub for tired buttocks and wagging lips in the neighborhood. How unfair… let’s not even suffer further trauma by telling about those bodies whose fate lies at the mercy of pivotal and sometimes pointless scientific experiments. God forbid I end up a cadaver!

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Have you ever wondered what happens when you die? Well, I have many times, sometimes I think of it as a long sleep whereby I’m aware and struggle to wake like a comatose but I can’t and that becomes my eternal punishment. I sometimes see myself wandering in an open green field, waiting for a sunbeam in the skies, and then the voice of the creator chips in to tender a list of my sins and decides if I belong to heaven or hell (movies made this possible for my memory to create)

you die
Source- Reddit

 

My Personal Bias for Heaven and Hell

By birth and an average sense of thought, I like to believe that I’m a Christain but for as long as I’ve been familiar with the words heaven and hell, I’m unashamed to say despite all that I’ve read in the religious books, I still find the concept of hell absurd. They say the good guys who believe in Christ will make heaven but the good ones who do not know Christ will go to hell, likewise the bad ones. Hmmmmmm what if I’ve been good all my life but the circumstances surrounding my birth didn’t welcome me to christ? I mean if a person is born of atheist parents whereby they grow up not knowing anything about the church, yet very good at heart, does that mean they’ll make hell?

Read: Why Is God Planning to Eternally Tortue Many More

The world is too hard already, why do some of us have to suffer an afterlife of torment? Weeping? Wailing? Gnashing of teeth? Darkness? Burning? Everlasting punishment? And to say the peak, it’ll be beyond anything humanly imaginable. Why? I didn’t ask to be birthed but here I am, trying my best to make heaven. There are many things in the world I’ve been fashioned to fight for and death which is supposed to give my soul a blissful rest also has a prize attached to it?

you dieUsing the most basic example; as a baby, I had to win the race of learning how to walk, then I graduate to nursery school, learning the ropes of ‘how to come first’ in class, this doesn’t stop even in elementary where I still even had to ensure I passed my Common Entrance Examination. And in the secondary journey, there’s still the “come first in class” mentality. Then there is JAMB, and the university too… thereafter job hunting, which metamorphoses into a need to ‘come first in life’, be successful! Let’s not forget amid all these, other areas of life showcase themselves to break and shape me mostly without my will. You mean after all this hassle, I am not guaranteed heaven?

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you die

And then the people who commit suicide too, automatically wins an exclusive lounge in hell? A person who commits suicide wanted out of life’s rat race and hoped that their soul can finally rest but you mean to say hell becomes their comfort? Nah! It doesn’t make sense.

 

My Personal Bias For the Creation Story…

“If God didn’t want evil to exist, why did he create the tree of knowledge of good and evil?” I’ve asked a few of my religiously inclined friends this question severally but no one has been able to provide me with a soothing answer to run with. God knew what evil was, he could have created just a tree with no strings attached but he did this. Is it sage to say he is the origin of every evil existing in the world?

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you die angels singing

A friend responded to my question saying that God did not want a dictator relationship with man, thus blessing us with free will to choose good or evil. But I still think it’s absurd. Since he sees the end from the beginning, creating a tree for face value would have saved me from this backbreaking heavenly race. Everything on the earth should have been created good and we’ll still live our lives perfectly, after all, what I don’t know wouldn’t harm me. Better still, God would have just left all of us in heaven, singing praises to him.

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And then the prince of evil, the incredibly fallen angel…the devil…why does he have the fame of the earth? Couldn’t he have been crushed by God at the very foundation of his rebellion? I know a lot of Christians will defend this with scriptures indicating that the devil got nothing on a person so long as they have given their lives to Jesus, but I’ll still maintain that he shouldn’t have been featured on earth. Why was he not crushed? I mean crushed in the sense that man didn’t have to even know that he once existed at all. Then I’m also tempted to ask, how did the devil know too much to rebel against the almighty? how is it that seed of rebellion grew in his heart? Remember he was among the host of angels there before the tree of knowledge was created.

you die creation story

A Fault in the Book or…

“Okay so, do you believe in the rapture”, my friend Jules asked me the other day at the saloon and my response was “I do not care what the religious books say, my guts don’t believe it, so you mean to tell me a certain time will come and the soldiers for christ will ascend into heaven? Nah!” Jules requested that I read the book of revelation for more insight.

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The truth is I’ve done so in time past, but my guts won’t welcome it. There’s a way that my mind works, it works in a way that I trust over religion. My mind is a conscious yet subconscious selective reader of anything and this includes the bible. It reads every part and selects a truth to abide by and the rest that look like too much, it doesn’t let it take root. For a fact, I do not believe the world will ever come to an end, I believe birth and death will always occur and if there exist judgment, every man shall face theirs as soon as they die. I find it rather humorous that there will be an ascension of the so-called righteous ones and then the beast and his league torments the rest on earth. The whole concept of rapture makes me believe there’s a fault somewhere in the documentation of the bible, perhaps some group found it a worthy opportunity to test their imaginary skills.

rapture you die
Source-Bible.info

Likewise the questions I asked about the creation story, I feel it strongly in my guts that there’s a misrepresentation somewhere. A whole lot amiss and as a freethinker, I cannot help but poke.

Believe and Death…

I know you have one too many questions on your mind as you’re reading this and I presume the most dominant is “Does this writer believe in God?” Yes I do, I’ve felt him in too many to count instances in my life to not believe him. The most recent is praying to him to heal my dog who suffered a hematoma on her left ears. I couldn’t afford the vet bills and it pained me to see her groan in pain daily. She lost all the butterflies in her stomach, refused meals even her best meals, and grew weaker each day. I felt helpless, all I could do was pray to God and in about a few weeks, the hematoma burst open, thus relieving her of the pain. She’s better now.

you die dog hematoma
Source- Upland Ways

 

I know some vets reading this will say “ooooh well, that was bound to happen”…Hell yeah! That was God coming through for me. I enjoy my personal relationship with God, I believe in him too much, he lives in my mind and the love we share is not necessarily based on what the religious books say or what the man on the pulpit tells me to believe about him.

you die

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And then I think of death again…there used to be a time that I usually reasoned that it is unfair that I’ll one day have to die especially comparing myself to Methusela who lived 969 years on earth. Most of the unfairness I felt dwelt on the fact that I wouldn’t even live up to half his age on the earth. And one time, a question struck my mind “What will you be doing for that long on the earth? Are you not tired of the unending rat race already?” It dawned on me that death is the ultimate peaceful solution. Can you now see why the concept of hell irks me so bad? If truly there is a hell after, then the best option for me will be nothingness after death. I’ll prefer to be a bag of bones six feet under with no memory of the world or me than to land a place in hell. It’s either heaven or nothingness for me. But again, no one knows what happens when we die. I do not care what the religious book says, we haven’t heard live scores from anyone who died before concerning what it’s like. So until we die, fingers crossed.

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you die
Source- When You Die

I know when any topic on death or especially religion comes up, people see it as an avenue to argue tooth and nail. No! That’s not my aim for this story, I felt the need to voice these off my mind as it’s been burning for a long time now. On this note, I’ll like to ask you, do our minds correspond in any way? Or contradict as regards all I said? It will be a privilege to also hear your personal high held opinions concerning death, the afterlife, heaven and hell, and other celestial reservations you might have. Like I said, no arguments, just tell me how it really feels in the deepest below of your mind. Leave me a comment, please😶👇.

 

 

 

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9 min read

Love is patient, love is kind, it doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast blah blah blah…really?! And why is ‘Funny’ not included as a quality of love, and how about ‘Premium Tears’? 😭Enough with Corinthians already😪! This verse of the bible is more than enough reason for me to clench to my unpopular opinion that the bible was made for a certain people at a certain time on earth. And if you ask me, just like constitutions need amendment every once in a while, the bible does too but that’s not our topic for today😶. So breathe🙇‍♀️…

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How many people have you loved on this earth? No, excluding your family members and the platonic friendships you’ve had. I mean the love that felt like love and made you fantasize a happy ever after but unfortunately, your ship sunk in the Bermuda Triangle🤭, leaving you to lick your wounds whilst premium tears rolled down from your eyes😭. Isn’t love funny? one moment you think THIS IS IT! And the next moment you’re rehearsing OMO X 100000000🤣.

should you take back your ex?
Source- Cosmopolitan

I was talking to my friend the other day and one talk led to another and then he started to gist me about an old lover of his who suddenly showed up in his life after he announced his flamboyant engagement online🤣. She had a scroll of things to say, things she never said while they were dating, and even while the premium break up tears were still fresh😏. She had to wait 6,000 years, maybe she thought it would be better to report him to Jesus directly hence her remaining mute, but unfortunately for her, Jesus is still soon to come👩‍🦯.exes

Hmmmmm it dawned on me that we are similar, me and her, and likewise you, and many other folks out there🤫. I’ve dated a handful of boys and some men. I have seen myself happy in love and also have my head hit the wall severally to cure my pain🥲. I’ve had a great time laughing in bed, most times naked, communicating my love to the best of me, and exchanging saliva and intellect too🤤. I’ve also had a downtime weeping for love while IN LOVE, I yearned for one that spoke my language, covers my flaws and the flawed inattentiveness of these men🤦‍♀️. Not that I was entirely good too, some of these men found me too slow, some, very threatening to their ego💁‍♀️. In all, we loved till we were unable to anymore.

Letting go of love doesn’t erase the memories, it doesn’t erase the secret thoughts we shallow buried in our minds🥺. These thoughts hurt sometimes and if only we had one more opportunity to converse with our ex-lovers and let them all out… if only…👩‍🦯

unsent letter to my ex
Source- We Heart It

 

Dear Panda:

I choose to address you as ‘Panda’ because it soothes your personality😊. No, you are not fat, but everyone loves a panda because their personality looks soothing and cute just by mere looking, and so is yours🤗. Before we started dating, I had a deep crush on you and carefully carved my steps so you’ll notice me😏. And the first day we spoke remains the only time I’ve ever been happy to come home and not find the house keys🤣🤣. If my sister had left the keys, you wouldn’t have found me stranded to involve me in a conversation🤭. The first mistake of our love was having it in secrecy and no darling, I do not blame you, I was barely 18 and my elder brother will slit your throat if he found out😑. Then again, you loved the church (I hope you still do🤥), and was the hero, the peacemaker, the exceptional final year student, the first son…yen yen yen😑… so many titles that made you feel it was a grave sin against your God and mankind when we had our first kiss and precum wetted your boxers😶. 

exes

“I feel like I’ve sinned, getting romantic with you made me feel so dirty…When I was young, a prophet told my mother that I shouldn’t be involved with a lady…” Wait! How many hours did it take you to rehearse these lines before you interrupted my beauty sleep for midnight calls🤣🤣? Till today, I wonder how a twenty-something-year-old would leave an 18-year-old hanging with some talk coated in cowardice😏. You really wish I was scared of prophets🤣. Well, because of you, I now hate religious fanatics, avoid first sons like a plague, and men who are book smart but street dull👩‍🦯.

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exes
Source- Wiffle Gif

Let’s be fair, for an 18-year-old, I tried, I communicated unlike you who would rather visit your religious book to select words to say to me☹. After dragging both ends of the rope with hopes that when I got into the university, we’ll have a share of freedom to properly love, you still had some hogwash lines reserved for me🥺. “Hey mama! Just have fun, blend with the environment, don’t feel limited to explore”…this was after I asked you if you were still in. What a shame you couldn’t declare your lack of interest boldly🙄. For a fact, I’m thankful you left actually because I surely exploreeeeeeeddddddd and you my love, would have been a burden👩‍🦯. 

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In all, thank you for evoking the writer skills in me🥰. Before I met you, I thought writers descended from space but seeing you write kickstarted my own journey🤗. I still have your writings in my journal.

how many exes you got?
Source- Skill Share

Dear Tortoise

The one who is very likely mistakened for slow but you are fire😉. Very intelligent and knows a bit about everything. Frankly, I didn’t want to date you😶, I mean how can I date a guy in my department and worse of the same level with me🤢? It was so against my rules but then, you’ve been long into the friend zone and I thought this nigga sure deserves a promotion🤭. I felt the weight of dismay and disappointment in your face when you discovered I was a virgin🙃. If only you could turn back the hands of time right! but too late. Mehn! All the major fights we had was about sex, you couldn’t imagine how it is that someone could be scared of sex😵, what a shame😑, despite all the knowledge you had, you never read of genophobia👩‍🦯. I regret all the times I cried to sleep because you wouldn’t touch me except it was sex. Trust me, with the way you always glorified sex, you must be foolish to think that I never knew you were cheating the whole time of our almost two years🤧. 

breakup exes

“Why do I feel like this is our last conversation?” Nah, you assured me. Said you couldn’t stay any longer but promised we’ll see in the morrow😒. I tried to believe you but a still voice beneath kept yelling; “This is it! This is the last time you’ll see him”. And that was it, you never showed up again😭. I felt insulted reaching out to you with a lengthy note via WhatsApp, and all you responded was “Aiit”🤦‍♀️. You didn’t even acknowledge me with respect and not abbreviate the word ‘Alright’. What exactly was alright in all I sent you 🥺?

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You never reached out, I was miserable😖. Days turned into weeks and weeks decayed into months yet no words from you😪. I needed closure, I hoped that one day you would call. I was always anxious to pick calls from unsaved numbers hoping it’s you saying hello from the other side😓. But No. Frankly, It would have been better if you were dead because my situation felt like someone who knew not the whereabouts of their loved one and every day they hoped they would come home or better still receive news of their death so they could move on😔. 

Breakup GIFs exes

I wonder, so if I didn’t put a call across after almost two years of ghosting, you wouldn’t have?😏 Well, sweet to know we’ve buried the hatchet and you remain one of my favorite persons🤗. And I also hope you’ve been enjoying all the sex in the world because just maybe that’s the core of your existence. 

 

Hey Chameleon!!

Chameleon because when I feel I have figured you out, you switch to a new color😖. Our relationship was extremely loving yet extremely confusing too; a detrimental polar opposite🤦‍♀️. We had so much love to give yet hoarded it in ego and replaced it with fervent miscommunication🙇‍♀️. Gosh!! We argued about everything and became too toxic to stay together yet not bold to leave🙍‍♀️. You made me reckon with the lines “love is not everything” and I’m grateful I mustered the bravery to say I wasn’t interested anymore🥲. I didn’t do it for just me baby, we needed it. I know you’re still shocked we didn’t end up together, I am sometimes too, and whenever it hits me I say within “You did what was best girl”👩‍🦯.

exes

How can two grown adults who say they love each other go radio silent on each other for three weeks and to think we even raised the bar a certain time for two months😱!? That was the last straw for me and I remember whispering aloud under my breath “MY MUMU DON DO”🤭. My personality was too strong for you and rather than communicate your displeasure you’d rather look for a way to bruise my ego😔. All the times you said “Uju now, but I was only joking”, I never believed you cause I’m a fan of the saying “people hide under the aegis of jokes to say what they do not have the courage to say normally”. And then everything was always a competition, I got so scared of breaking my good news to you, maybe I always read your gestures wrongly, just maybe… anyway, I hope you’ve found the love you deserve🤗.

 Get Over a Breakup an ex

 

DID I OPEN YOUR SCARS TOO? 

Still have a bunch of stuff to say but I’ve been getting some mild jabs that my stories are becoming way too long 🤣🤣 so I’ll just continue on Naked Minds. Did any of my exes remind you of yours? Anyway, I decided to make this post an open diary aka a vent room for us to talk about the unsaid stuff we never said to our ex(es)🥲. And No! It’s not just only three guys I’ve dated, I felt so ashamed having to count all my fingers and begun counting all over again when my friend asked during our conversation “But Uju, how many guys you don date self?”… while counting, we both burst into uncontrollable laughter🤣🤣.

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Well, these are the only three I recognize, the rest can face back please😑 …So over to you, I’ll like you to share those unsaid words you wish you could say to your ex(es), doesn’t have to be something lengthy or bad and you don’t have to talk about all of them (one or two is fine) or address them by their real names🐄🐖. Also if you have any reservations concerning any of my exes, feel free to say in the comment🤧. Remember, this is my side to the story, they might have a better or unappealing narrative about me but I really don’t care👩‍🦯. 

exes
Source- HealthLine

Also, do you feel it’s right to still maintain communication with an ex? Let’s talk Mutterers, this should be enlightening and fun😁… leave me your comment👇…and never forget, this is a safe place😝👇👇.

 

 

 

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8 min read

I’ll lose myself, yet it’s still me. A moment where I feel as free as a kite and in that happiness of freedom, I hope that the controller, ‘my mind’, whose hands hold my life at the moment doesn’t give me up completely, even though I feel it staggering. Whenever I’m in this moment, I either dance like a lunatic, I feel my soul in my mouth in a way that makes me appreciate the mad men on the streets; the real heroes who defy the punishment Eve gifted mankind and walk around naked.  Freedom no constitution can cripple! 😎

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It’s alcohol! This is how I feel whenever I take ‘excessive’ shots. I’m not a minimalist when it comes to alcohol, I’m either not riding or I ride like Dominic Toretto when Fast and Furious. I scarcely ever drink but when I do, the truth side of my mind hints to me…“But you know you’ve got the tendencies of an alcoholic right🙄?” An ugly statement, yet I cannot debate it. The only debate I have with my mind is when people say alcohol is bitter as fuck and peer pressure is what makes people drink. Excuse you?!🙄 We can all agree on the bitter but to hell with peers, I drink to free my mind💆‍♀️.

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banana marketing
Source- Clipart Library

Sometimes my mind is a camel carrying too much burden, woe betides it passes the eyes of a needle😪. It’s that heavy, I wanna sink into oblivion and bury my thoughts on the things that should matter. Even though some folks say “So what next? Doesn’t the load press on after the alcohol fades?”, well it does no doubt but I am grateful for that little time I didn’t have to think about it, instead I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU😬, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her. This happened the last time I took alcohol, she knew I was drunk but most importantly knew I meant all of those words👭. Truthfully, If I hadn’t taken those shots, I wouldn’t have done that, or at least not in that manner.

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Unfortunately, this new year 2021, alcohol made it on my ‘TO STOP LIST’. What a detestable achievement for the inventors🤧. My doctor said I should stop drinking because I have a bad ulcer but frankly how do you tell someone to stop something without providing an alternative🤷‍♀️? It’s the reason why I don’t try to change people👩‍🦯. And then my baby with the “Promise me you’ll stop drinking” line… huh🙄?  “But baby, am I an alcoholic😒?”… “You’re not but…” hmmm be rest assured whatever words follow after ‘but’ will break your heart🧐.

banana marketing

It will be hard, really hard not to sip some shots once in a while but I’ll try especially because I intend to live long🙉. Do you know a remedy that can cure my almost obsession with alcohol? Don’t suggest to me therapy please, except you want the poor therapist to take in more than she can swallow🤷‍♀️.

 

THE ONLY BITCH I HATE😡

How ironic, the only thing I wanted to be STOPPED or fair enough STOP SEEING made it to 2021😩. What was God thinking when he created cockroaches😩? I feel offended he even blessed them with brown skin, speed, and the most oppressing of all, the gift of flight😖. I’m afraid the only phobia I wouldn’t get over no matter my age is my fear for cockroaches. It’s so bad that the moment I spot one in my room, I’m not sleeping there except I see evidence of its dead body😩. Thanks to my sister, who always came through with a broom or slippers to wipe their crazy guts to death🙁. Dear sister, the only reason I cried at your wedding was that I knew it was an automatic warrant for these bitches to torment me🥺.

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banana marketing
Source- Meme Controller

Imagine running away from my room in the middle of the night to the parlor only to meet the same nightmare there😩, or I wake up in the morning and see a dead roach on the floor…”Whattt!!!!😱 Who killed you? 😱Definitely not me!!😰 Did you fuking crawl on my body before you arrived dead😩? Please wake up and tell me NOOOO then you can die again😩😩” A back-breaking puzzle I wish I could solve. The one time I asked my mum, she said it’s old age, that really old roaches die if they fall from flying. I don’t know if this is true and I have refused to Google it because I have chosen it as my truth, ain’t no Google breaking my heart with bad news🙁.

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Imagine making a video call and a cockroach flies on your body😔? Ooh damn😰!! That was so embarrassing for me, thank God I wasn’t talking to my crush otherwise wahala o🥴. And to think that some coconut heads blush when they’re told “Baby you are the only cockroach in my cupboard”…ewwwwwww🤮🤮… of all the lines mehn!. Overcoming my phobia of cockroaches is the only therapy I need💆‍♀️.

banana marketing cockroach meme
Source- Pintrest

WASTING A PRAYER POINT SLOT

During new year’s eve, my friend posted “God will not allow me to procrastinate in this new year, I’ll chase my dreams”. Hmmmmm about this🤥, I used to have similar prayer point in previous new years until I realized I was only wasting a prayer point slot🤭. Procrastination and motivation come hand in hand for me, if I’m not motivated, there’s no way in heaven I am doing that task😑. It’s evident especially in my craft when I forcefully write a story because of a deadline, I don’t feel me in it and the reception from the audience says the same, they try so hard to find me in it😒. For me, I wouldn’t say I procrastinate, I just have zero motivation sometimes🤭. The moment I realized this was it, I began to pray to God for a motivating spirit instead and he sure does bless me with it but my shameless self spends most of the energy fornicating various social media apps🤣🤣. Indeed a wasted prayer slot and I cannot promise to do better this year🤣🤣.

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procrastination banana marketing
Source- Youtube

BANANA MARKETING

Towards the end of last year, I noticed my mum buying bananas every other day despite not being a fan🤭. Well, what’s my business, the only business I had was strolling into her shop almost every evening to take some. I actually thought it was a loving gesture towards her husband, my dad, who I’m sure in his former life was a monkey because his obsession for bananas is really obsessive🤣🤣. 

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“Uju ooo, this banana woman won’t let me rest o… everyday na so so “Madam you must buy banana” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I laughed so hard. She added that she was doing it out of pity too as it was the woman’s only source of income. Hmmmmm… one day, my mum went out and asked me to be the guardian angel of her shop for the day, and guess who showed up? BANANA WOMAN😁. I pretended like I hadn’t heard her gist and asked if she wanted to buy something. “No o…your mama dey?” she inquired. I told her she wasn’t. “Sisi you no go buy banana?” There we go again🤣. I told her I had no money on me and I couldn’t take my mum’s. “No o, I no be stranger now, collect am buy, even your mama go chop out of am when she return”. In my mind, I was already rolling on the floor due to excessive laughter🤣🤣, but tried so hard not to let it out. “If you no buy my banana I go quarrel with you o sisi” Ah😳! Now this is serious 🤣🤣🤣. To cut the story, I asked her how much a bunch cost and I paid. As soon as she left, I burst into laughter, such as guts!

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banana marketing
Source- Twitter

Wonder why I’m telling you about this banana seller?  Witnessing her display of ‘not accepting No’ spirit and aggressive marketing is a privilege for me as she really inspired me😅. I’m going all out this year with marketing this blog to everyone even those who care not to listen🙃. You either read or READ or I quarrell with you😑😑😑. Tell you what, after my encounter with her, I was spamming on Twitter and someone replied to one of my tweets saying “ODE” in caps. Normally, that’s enough to ruin my mood as in the past I’ll delete that tweet and possibly block the favoured fool🙄. But this time around, I laughed so hard and said to myself “Better be prepared to call me more names”🤣🤣🤣. The most ironic thing about spamming on Twitter is that the owners of the tweet never complain, it’s some lunatic on a rampage who chooses to carry a cross that’s not theirs🙄. Bottom line, I’ll be more intentional, thanks to the special banana seller, I’ve been waiting for her to come collect her Christmas gift, seems like she hasn’t resumed the hustle😅. You all better join me in inculcating the BANANA MARKETING module for your hustle🤭. 

 

ANOTHER SET OF HEROES

To the ones who always put huge stones or tree trunks on my flooded street whenever it rains so that passersby like me can walk on them rather than water🥺, thank you so much🥲. You are the reason I’m motivated to go out even though it’s rained cats and dogs💦. It’s a very good gesture and I hope you keep at it this year 2021 and most importantly I hope to replicate the act too😅. 

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floods banana marketing
Source- Economic Times

I’ve held many strange hands while crossing the busy roads of Lagos. I’m terrified of highways but these individuals lend me their hand and we cross together😙. Not sure I say thank you enough😔. Even the ones who can smell my fear without me having to say and then they let me stay by their side and signal when it’s time to cross, thank you😅. If you do any of these for pedestrians, please do not stop, you are the reason why many people like me still have their lives intact🙏.

 

YOU MAN! YOU LADY!❣

Hey man! Hey lady!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 😁 It’s a privilege to have your eyes and mind read about the things I want to see and do more this year (2021), the only bitch I hate and my almost obsession with alcohol 🤭. Thank you! I’m sure you have yours too, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s gonna be different for you this year😅, the things you appreciate and any other you’ll like to share. If you don’t share any at all with me, I’ll quarrel with you🙄 *in banana sellers voice*… and if you are against the ‘new year, new rules’ format, I’ll like to know why too. Common, leave me a comment below😁👇👇.

 

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7 min read

I’m tired😒, never been so unmotivated to write for myself like I am now😔. That moment where you have a lot of things to say yet you can barely make a sentence out of the bunch and even when you do, your brain welcomes it like soured beans, no sense😪! I was actually writing a story I think is beautiful, but anxiety got the most part of me, or maybe holiday syndrome?🤔

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But I had promised one last straw of creativity to Mutterers, so I kept scribbling words I felt made sense before I came to terms with looking my truth in the eye. I could have completed the story🥺, but I wouldn’t have felt so much love for it, and every time I sip a sentence, down to a paragraph from it, it’s only win will be reminding me of a time where I struggled to make sense🤦‍♀️. I hate to feel this way, the only time I’m allowed to is when I’m at a job interview, and I’m asked “where do you see yourself in five years?”🤨 I always try to make sense by stating a lot of stuff that hasn’t even made it to my bucket list yet🤥…wishful thinking, just because I need the job. Funny how this question is cliché yet hard, it goes to show that not every regular thing is near at hand; some are earth-shattering🥶.

holiday syndrome
Source- Tealink

 

ANXIETY

I don’t know what it is actually, but in these last days of 2020, I have been so tensed that it makes my legs twitch😬. Sometimes I blame it on the many workloads, other times I think there’s something really wrong😒. I get angry too and consciously look for a victim to transfer my aggression🥴. I’ve found myself putting too many chats on mute and even archived them because these individuals have sworn an oath to intensify my anxiety with their text messages always signing off with “ASAP”🙄. You won’t kill me fam! No, you won’t😑! But the biggest scam in all these is Mark Zukerberg😴, how do you make provisions for archiving and muting chats, only for it to get lost in just a second and come back to drive a nail in my eyes the next time the buffoon messages me again🤷‍♀️. Please scrap these features or improve them.  Mute should mean ‘SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY😑!!’…while archiving a chat should mean ‘GET LOST! NEVER TO BE FOUND BITCH😡!’ Not unless I grant you a presidential pardon.

holiday syndrome
Source- Verywellmind

I fought with the love of my life shortly before coming to terms with writing this😤. He advised me to shut my laptop for a while and look for something else to do since the words were not running as fast as a roach avoiding a broom wipe😕. I hated him for saying this, I expected a “baby you got this!”👊 with some other sweet words following. “How can you tell me to give up?😢 I promised one last story for the year, you know what, good night!😕” After I hung up, I went on Whatsapp to dish him an appetizer of my last vent only for the mister to react by sending me several scrolls longer than the one Moses used in repressing the Israelites from their hearts’ filth😭😭. I got so agitated that I began to wonder what the whole argument was about🤔. It was me really🥺. Me feeling tired yet not wanting to accept it😒. Me looking for answers that were already cat walking before my third eye😔.

holiday syndrome
Source- Time Magazine

Sometimes we know what exactly is wrong with us; we just hope the narrative can be changed🥶. In my quest for answers, I felt the sudden urge to hand my burden over to someone else who barely knows me, for some reason I felt running over another close friend will be futile still🤨. “Hey, I’m so exhausted, is it bad if I don’t show up again this year?” Pelumi replied to me with a sad eyed emoji 🥺🥺 and asked if it was work or the website? I couldn’t pin anything in particular, I sure knew I wasn’t feeling good and she said “Maybe holiday syndrome”🤔. The moment she said this, I felt some sort of relief, maybe I wasn’t running mad after all. Then she suggested “What about a short note? You can just wrap up with an appreciation note you know? So it doesn’t seem like you left Mutterers hanging.” The irony right now is that this right here is the 776th word I have written🤣🤣, how does this equate to a short note?🤦‍♀️ I haven’t even birthed my words of appreciation yet😆.

 

MAYBE HOLIDAY SYNDROME

Never have I looked forward to a holiday than this one🥴. Never have I been exhausted from everyone and everything but I am😔. I am too exhausted to a point where it’s affecting my work productivity, I really cannot wait😢. I wish I could be daggered in a box to have my beauty sleep for 600 years🛌 but that will be over my parent’s dead body😤 because I can tell they swore a subconscious oath that while I’m on earth, they will ensure blood and sweat that I may never relax my nerves😭😭. I’m the only child currently in the house, my other siblings fled for safety to avoid unending errands 😒. If you still believe I’m a writer; you are partly wrong🤕, best believe I am a full-time maid who takes care of two elderly babies and two dogs🙄. It’s rotten luck to be the only child in the house, don’t let anyone butter you up with the lie that there will be plenty of food because even if there is, house chores zap you of all the energy you need to enjoy a meal🤮. A malnourished appetite is what you live with, always, and forever🤮.

holiday syndrome
Source- Parents

Most importantly, this holiday, I want to rest. Rest my head and possibly switch off my phones💆‍♀️. I had planned to visit the beach and some other places, but I’ll pass, I really do not have the energy to muster those electrifying beach perfect smiles👩‍🦯. If you plan on spending ample time on your bed like me this holiday, your goal is valid👊. Do not let anyone stop you from loving your bed even though the last time you visited the beach was since you were 10-years-old like me😴.

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Fun is like love. Like you need to love yourself first before you can seek it in someone else, fun is the same, learn to have fun with yourself first🙂. If you haven’t experienced stage one and you decide to throw caution to the wind this season, I pray your beach shirt gets burnt while ironing🤨 or the shoe you reserved for dirty December gets eaten by a rabid dog😕. Nonsense and ingredients😡! You all can’t keep making ‘we’ introverts feel bad🙄.

I WISH YOU ******

I don’t know what you love so that I can wish you get it but I know something you must love, and that’s Muttering Minds😆😆. If you don’t already love this community, then I wish you do😗. I wish you get choked by the obsession of every word here that you are provoked to leave a comment always😊. I wish you spread the goodnews of the interesting stories here aggressively as Paul did in Macedonia to the gospel of Christ😂😂. This is my wish for you, come 2021🤎. Do I sound selfish?🙊 Well, aren’t we all?😜 Or you expected me to say “I wish you what you wish for yourself”? That’s vague and how can I be sure your wish is not my death?🤷‍♀️ It’s out of harm’s way we play this way🤝.

holiday syndrome
Source- Medium

Sincerely, I thank you all for riding with me throughout 2020 ❤ and most especially understanding that I am human too, that’s what I love the most about our relationship here😁.  Your continuity to show up is my drive and be sure I do not take it for triviality. Above all, I wish you a peaceful holiday🤗, and if you ever get bored, feel free to send me an email (mutteringminds@gmail.com) so we can gossip some😜. You do know gossip is good relaxation for the nerves right🤪?

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This is officially the last post for the year💃💃, to resume next year, a date only God has the answer to👩‍🦯. However, I’ll like to officially announce that new stories will now be every Friday or Sunday as opposed to the subtle guesswork trauma I’ve been putting you all through for the past year🤭. Fridays for every other post and Sundays when it is religious inclined🤝. I pray the genie who blesses my spirit with the ingredient to procrastinate and be inconsistent departs from me in the New Year. I GOT THIS!!!💃💃

holiday syndrome
Source- Deviant Art

So let’s talk, what do you look forward to during this holiday?😃 How would you like to spend it? Any wish?😅 Remember, whatever you say is valid. Low-key I’m hoping I’m not alone on this sleep quest🙃, do not betray me, brethren, I repeat, DO NOT! Identify yourselves so I can form a sleep coven😂😂.

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Common, gist me, let’s talk in the comment section😁. And if you got any reservations about all I wrote so far, feel free to say too. I’m waiting. 😁👇

 

 

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8 min read

After one of the members on Naked Minds called my attention for using real-names instead of nicknames of fellow subscribers in reposting responses to stories, I made up my mind that I was going to apologize properly by letting you all in on my many nicknames; some of which are lost in space, I hope never to find the need of them again😐.

Nicknames are cool, at least for me. Lowkey, I suffer from a fevered admiration for people who get called by their nicknames so often that even their close friends forget what their real names sound like. Do you have people like this around you? Well, I got one, his nikky is ‘Effect’…my nigga’s so hardworking his peers and superiors felt an uncommon urge to christen him again😄. His real name and his abilities are like oil and water, gargle at your own risk, they both won’t gel. Wondering what it is? Well, I don’t know either🙈…met him as Effect, and Effect he shall continue to be…what I don’t know can’t hurt me🤡.

nickname

IF YOU LAUGH…I SHOOT!

Well, getting a unique and popular nickname was a goal for me in secondary school. It felt tech to own one, I wanted to belong by all means. And even if I said no to the mantle, these slum/parting books staged themselves at playful corners waiting to embarrass me🤕. How do I tell the owner of a Slum book that I got no nickname to fill? and even if I left it vacant without her knowledge, eventually, in the long future when she revisits it, she’s hit suddenly by the trauma of how weird I was in high school. Not me! I didn’t want anyone to have such memories about me😂😂.

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So I ferried on a nickname quest🚣‍♀️. I began asking friends what they felt will soothe me for a nickname, specifically one they can call me any time even in public. I remember brainstorming with Ayomide, my bunkmate, and some others. As expected, they coined appellations from my English name ‘Doris’. Sure you can already predict the kind of nicknames they came up with. ‘Dodo’, ‘Dori Baby’, even the spelling backward jinx ‘Sirod’. Yuck! 🤮

nickname

I wasn’t having it. They all felt cliche. “Common now, I’m bigger than all this jargon🙄”, I often said this within me anytime they suggested some dementia allusive nikky. Do you ever know what you want sometimes but then shy to say it, instead you look for someone to help push you to your death so that at the end of the day, you can have a name to blame when things fall apart?😹 This was the game I was playing but how disappointing, no one thought in my direction😫. 

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“How about something sexy and mischievous?”, I suggested in a low tone. Trust the girls on this one 🤣🤣🤣, names started flying up and down. Guess the name I settled for 😭😭…‘SEXY BREEZE’ !!! oh, my days!!! Looking back now, I feel so embarrassed. Were my bunch of friends so stupid or I was the stupid one for agreeing to be coined a nickname for a tomfool?🤒 I definitely was so stupid! You need to see the way I blushed whenever someone called me ‘Sexy Breeze’. It felt so dope mehn😂😂!. But unfortunately, the name didn’t bring as much popularity as expected so I ferried on another quest🚣‍♀️.

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Thanks to my very stupid friends again, I was caught between choosing  ‘MYSTIQUE’ or ‘SEDUCTIVE MYSTIQUE’. Being an Oliver twist, I decided to do both. Depends on what mood I was in whenever someone handed me their slum book to fill. If I felt like a ‘Mystique’, then Mystique it is; if I felt spicy at the time, then ‘Seductive’ came before the ‘M’😹. 

I still didn’t make the hall of fame with any of them. The only person who made me feel really welcomed with the name was one of my friends Tope, who had her  feet swept off in admiration that she had to nikky herself  ‘SEDUCTIVE SEDUCTRESS’ How insane?!😂😂 I remember hailing her to her face and screaming “bloody copy cat” in my mind😫. Asides from my unreserved hate for copycats, I deserved to be the only ‘seduction’ in school dammit! 😐

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Reflecting on how stupid the nicknames were, I should have left her to bear all of them. To date, Ayomide still taunts me with these nicknames. So if I become president tomorrow, this is how she’ll reveal one of my many foolish decisions in life right😫! Wicked girl!🤕 Not like hers was any better, who the f*** bears ‘Ayomzy Delight’?  Only hoodlums😂😂

names nickname
Source Cliparts

STILL FOOLISH?

Joining Facebook after secondary school and seeing the way people spelled their usernames started to tickle my fancy. For example, someone who bears ‘Ayomide’ refines the spelling to ‘Haryohmide’. Mehn that shit looked so dope to me and if I don’t belong, who will🙈? But it was so heartbreaking, all my many remixes didn’t sound nice and I wasn’t with my foolish friends anymore to help me figure it out. Looking back now, I bless God o, otherwise they would have given me a remix best for simpletons😂😂. However, I got one, all thanks to my ex.

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 What I was searching for was right beside me but I couldn’t see it… One day I decided to check my baby boy’s phone to see what he used in saving my number and boom! I saw ‘DHAUREYZ’… this was his remix for ‘DORIS’. It felt so cool, I adopted it without blinking, and to date, I use it for virtually everything; pseudonyms, emails, social media, etc. I know you are trying so hard to pronounce it 🤣🤣🤣… take it easy on yourself, a lot have bitten their tongues on that quest.

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DREAMS ACTUALLY DO COME THROUGH…

And the last one…. Hopefully not the least🎯…My long lost dream of having a nickname that replaces my own name finally came to pass in the university. Hurrayyyyy!!!💃💃 Blow the trumpets!!!🥳🥳  Oh, my days! Even though I blacklisted the hostel because of my experience with infection, I must admit my time spent there was exhilarating.  

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I like to believe I was a hot cake, I mean hot inside the brain o and maybe a portion of hot outside🤡. Then I used to be more involved in poetry, brewing, and writing everywhere in the school (for those who cared to read anyway😁). And then I got big news that I was nominated for the Nigerian Writers Award, for Poetry Writer of the year category. I was more shocked than excited when I saw the news online (this is a story for another Naked Minds gist😆). That type of shock where you recheck for the umpteenth time to see if it’s really your name and if it is, you’re still in shock because you think the news is for someone else who bears your exact names. That’s how I felt.

names nickname
Source- ArtStation

I broke the news to one of my close friends Victoria and before I knew it, she started hailing and shouting ‘UJU MALOO’… what is ‘MALOO’??? I had no idea but it sounded cool, although with a blend of ‘razness’, I loved it. That was how the name flew🚀. I stayed in the hostel for two years and throughout the time, I was either called ‘Maloo’ or ‘Uju Maloo’. Maloo is a Yoruba word and depending on the caller’s tone, it could mean ‘Go’ or ‘Come’. But to Victoria, she meant ‘Go’, more like “keep on moving and winning Uju”. 

Read: You Can Never Be Yourself!

To cut the story short, ‘Maloo’ faded as soon as I left the hostel😓. But of course, I still saw some of the hostel mates who would always shout it out whenever they saw me on the walkway or somewhere in the school😄. It always felt like home. Even now, whenever I hear someone speaking Yoruba and says ‘Maloo’, it has a way of putting a genuine smile on my face😁.

names nickname
Source- Deviant Art

THE ESSENCE

Although added a little spice to this article on publishing here, it’s actually a Naked Minds exclusive. You better join cause I won’t be betraying my coven anytime soon again😫. 

Asides that this is an intended fun post to get us to unwind and sign out gradually from this puzzle-twisting year, I wanted to poke the essence of names🌚. Names are either  powerful or impotent. Some are sweet, some are salty to the ears. Some sound so sweet yet  a profitless meaning💩…some are an ear sore, but got beautiful meaning. You hear some names and you’re like “Huh? You mean your parents actually gave you this name😳”…that embarrassing! I wouldn’t want to mention names lol.

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Source- Medium

Most part of me wanting a nickname by force was because I didn’t see my two names as good enough and soothing for my personality. Have you ever pondered on your name(s) and asked yourself “why me”? Why did my parents choose to call me this? Well, I did for ‘Doris’, still stuck on trying to love the name🙁. I couldn’t fall in love with it because of the many unappealing tones people prefer to pronounce it😤. I wish I could insert an audio sample🤧. But I’ve always loved Obianuju (since I got mature though), and even invested more love for it after my parents told me I was named ‘Obianuju’ because shortly after my birth they both bagged a huge salary increase at work. Obianuju means ‘Born into wealth’ …but the meaning of Doris always fluctuates between the ‘bad and good’ whenever I look it up😏. There’s never been a unified meaning, I think whoever invented the name was six feet buried in confusion at the time😬.

Read: Parents Are The Best Pretenders

Have you ever reflected on your names before?🤔 Heard some of you got like seven and counting🤠, unlike me, I wasn’t fortunate enough to be named by all the prominent members of my extended family🤣🤣. I’ll love to know your names and what you feel about them. Would you say they resonate with your personality or your parents deserve 600 years for such cruelty? 😂😂

Nickname name
Source- The New Yoker

Hmmmmm about my many nicknames 🤐… what’s yours and how did you come by it? I like to believe the way some of these nikky’s sound is the reason we choose them, not necessarily what they mean🤭. Did you at some point want a nickname so bad like I did? Do you have a past regrettable nickname🤣🤣? And you see that name, yes! That very one you use on IG and Twitter… How did you arrive there?  ‘Sexy posh’, ‘Dragon’, ‘Barbie doll’, ‘Cupcake’, “Renegade’ …Is that you? 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

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Warning!!! Do not try to taunt me with my first three nicknames, otherwise I go comot ya teeth just now😂😂. I’m curious to hear yours, I will try not to laugh. Common… Let me in😌, leave me a comment 😂😂👇👇

P.s. I want to propose that parents should leave about one or two name slots open until a child is grown so we can name ourselves according to our personalities. Dear future kids, I got you😆!

 

 

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