muttering minds, Author at MutteringMinds

I am Muttering

When You Die… (A Fault in the Creation?)

By muttering minds January 29, 2021

8 min read

And if you die, and all that happens is nothingness, how would you feel? My question is pointless because since it’s nothingness, you cannot feel anything. Your body lays in the wait; for a moment you’re still fresh, then you bloat, and thereafter metamorphose into active then advanced decay. How unfair, all you lived for was to end up becoming a bag of bones, six feet under the ground, if care is not taken, your graveside is shown no respect too as it becomes a stop, sit and gist hub for tired buttocks and wagging lips in the neighborhood. How unfair… let’s not even suffer further trauma by telling about those bodies whose fate lies at the mercy of pivotal and sometimes pointless scientific experiments. God forbid I end up a cadaver!

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Have you ever wondered what happens when you die? Well, I have many times, sometimes I think of it as a long sleep whereby I’m aware and struggle to wake like a comatose but I can’t and that becomes my eternal punishment. I sometimes see myself wandering in an open green field, waiting for a sunbeam in the skies, and then the voice of the creator chips in to tender a list of my sins and decides if I belong to heaven or hell (movies made this possible for my memory to create)

My Personal Bias for Heaven and Hell

By birth and an average sense of thought, I like to believe that I’m a Christain but for as long as I’ve been familiar with the words heaven and hell, I’m unashamed to say despite all that I’ve read in the religious books, I still find the concept of hell absurd. They say the good guys who believe in Christ will make heaven but the good ones who do not know Christ will go to hell, likewise the bad ones. Hmmmmmm what if I’ve been good all my life but the circumstances surrounding my birth didn’t welcome me to christ? I mean if a person is born of atheist parents whereby they grow up not knowing anything about the church, yet very good at heart, does that mean they’ll make hell?

Read: Why Is God Planning to Eternally Tortue Many More

The world is too hard already, why do some of us have to suffer an afterlife of torment? Weeping? Wailing? Gnashing of teeth? Darkness? Burning? Everlasting punishment? And to say the peak, it’ll be beyond anything humanly imaginable. Why? I didn’t ask to be birthed but here I am, trying my best to make heaven. There are many things in the world I’ve been fashioned to fight for and death which is supposed to give my soul a blissful rest also has a prize attached to it?

Using the most basic example; as a baby, I had to win the race of learning how to walk, then I graduate to nursery school, learning the ropes of ‘how to come first’ in class, this doesn’t stop even in elementary where I still even had to ensure I passed my Common Entrance Examination. And in the secondary journey, there’s still the “come first in class” mentality. Then there is JAMB, and the university too… thereafter job hunting, which metamorphoses into a need to ‘come first in life’, be successful! Let’s not forget amid all these, other areas of life showcase themselves to break and shape me mostly without my will. You mean after all this hassle, I am not guaranteed heaven?

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And then the people who commit suicide too, automatically wins an exclusive lounge in hell? A person who commits suicide wanted out of life’s rat race and hoped that their soul can finally rest but you mean to say hell becomes their comfort? Nah! It doesn’t make sense.

My Personal Bias For the Creation Story…

“If God didn’t want evil to exist, why did he create the tree of knowledge of good and evil?” I’ve asked a few of my religiously inclined friends this question severally but no one has been able to provide me with a soothing answer to run with. God knew what evil was, he could have created just a tree with no strings attached but he did this. Is it sage to say he is the origin of every evil existing in the world?

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A friend responded to my question saying that God did not want a dictator relationship with man, thus blessing us with free will to choose good or evil. But I still think it’s absurd. Since he sees the end from the beginning, creating a tree for face value would have saved me from this backbreaking heavenly race. Everything on the earth should have been created good and we’ll still live our lives perfectly, after all, what I don’t know wouldn’t harm me. Better still, God would have just left all of us in heaven, singing praises to him.

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And then the prince of evil, the incredibly fallen angel…the devil…why does he have the fame of the earth? Couldn’t he have been crushed by God at the very foundation of his rebellion? I know a lot of Christians will defend this with scriptures indicating that the devil got nothing on a person so long as they have given their lives to Jesus, but I’ll still maintain that he shouldn’t have been featured on earth. Why was he not crushed? I mean crushed in the sense that man didn’t have to even know that he once existed at all. Then I’m also tempted to ask, how did the devil know too much to rebel against the almighty? how is it that seed of rebellion grew in his heart? Remember he was among the host of angels there before the tree of knowledge was created.

A Fault in the Book or…

“Okay so, do you believe in the rapture”, my friend Jules asked me the other day at the saloon and my response was “I do not care what the religious books say, my guts don’t believe it, so you mean to tell me a certain time will come and the soldiers for christ will ascend into heaven? Nah!” Jules requested that I read the book of revelation for more insight.

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The truth is I’ve done so in time past, but my guts won’t welcome it. There’s a way that my mind works, it works in a way that I trust over religion. My mind is a conscious yet subconscious selective reader of anything and this includes the bible. It reads every part and selects a truth to abide by and the rest that look like too much, it doesn’t let it take root. For a fact, I do not believe the world will ever come to an end, I believe birth and death will always occur and if there exist judgment, every man shall face theirs as soon as they die. I find it rather humorous that there will be an ascension of the so-called righteous ones and then the beast and his league torments the rest on earth. The whole concept of rapture makes me believe there’s a fault somewhere in the documentation of the bible, perhaps some group found it a worthy opportunity to test their imaginary skills.

Likewise the questions I asked about the creation story, I feel it strongly in my guts that there’s a misrepresentation somewhere. A whole lot amiss and as a freethinker, I cannot help but poke.

Believe and Death…

I know you have one too many questions on your mind as you’re reading this and I presume the most dominant is “Does this writer believe in God?” Yes I do, I’ve felt him in too many to count instances in my life to not believe him. The most recent is praying to him to heal my dog who suffered a hematoma on her left ears. I couldn’t afford the vet bills and it pained me to see her groan in pain daily. She lost all the butterflies in her stomach, refused meals even her best meals, and grew weaker each day. I felt helpless, all I could do was pray to God and in about a few weeks, the hematoma burst open, thus relieving her of the pain. She’s better now.

you die dog hematoma — Source- Upland Ways

I know some vets reading this will say “ooooh well, that was bound to happen”…Hell yeah! That was God coming through for me. I enjoy my personal relationship with God, I believe in him too much, he lives in my mind and the love we share is not necessarily based on what the religious books say or what the man on the pulpit tells me to believe about him.

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And then I think of death again…there used to be a time that I usually reasoned that it is unfair that I’ll one day have to die especially comparing myself to Methusela who lived 969 years on earth. Most of the unfairness I felt dwelt on the fact that I wouldn’t even live up to half his age on the earth. And one time, a question struck my mind “What will you be doing for that long on the earth? Are you not tired of the unending rat race already?” It dawned on me that death is the ultimate peaceful solution. Can you now see why the concept of hell irks me so bad? If truly there is a hell after, then the best option for me will be nothingness after death. I’ll prefer to be a bag of bones six feet under with no memory of the world or me than to land a place in hell. It’s either heaven or nothingness for me. But again, no one knows what happens when we die. I do not care what the religious book says, we haven’t heard live scores from anyone who died before concerning what it’s like. So until we die, fingers crossed.

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I know when any topic on death or especially religion comes up, people see it as an avenue to argue tooth and nail. No! That’s not my aim for this story, I felt the need to voice these off my mind as it’s been burning for a long time now. On this note, I’ll like to ask you, do our minds correspond in any way? Or contradict as regards all I said? It will be a privilege to also hear your personal high held opinions concerning death, the afterlife, heaven and hell, and other celestial reservations you might have. Like I said, no arguments, just tell me how it really feels in the deepest below of your mind. Leave me a comment, please😶👇.

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I am Muttering

Vent Room: An Unsent Letter To Your Ex(es)

By muttering minds January 15, 2021

9 min read

Love is patient, love is kind, it doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast blah blah blah…really?! And why is ‘Funny’ not included as a quality of love, and how about ‘Premium Tears’? 😭Enough with Corinthians already😪! This verse of the bible is more than enough reason for me to clench to my unpopular opinion that the bible was made for a certain people at a certain time on earth. And if you ask me, just like constitutions need amendment every once in a while, the bible does too but that’s not our topic for today😶. So breathe🙇‍♀️…

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How many people have you loved on this earth? No, excluding your family members and the platonic friendships you’ve had. I mean the love that felt like love and made you fantasize a happy ever after but unfortunately, your ship sunk in the Bermuda Triangle🤭, leaving you to lick your wounds whilst premium tears rolled down from your eyes😭. Isn’t love funny? one moment you think THIS IS IT! And the next moment you’re rehearsing OMO X 100000000🤣.

should you take back your ex? — Source- Cosmopolitan

I was talking to my friend the other day and one talk led to another and then he started to gist me about an old lover of his who suddenly showed up in his life after he announced his flamboyant engagement online🤣. She had a scroll of things to say, things she never said while they were dating, and even while the premium break up tears were still fresh😏. She had to wait 6,000 years, maybe she thought it would be better to report him to Jesus directly hence her remaining mute, but unfortunately for her, Jesus is still soon to come👩‍🦯.

Hmmmmm it dawned on me that we are similar, me and her, and likewise you, and many other folks out there🤫. I’ve dated a handful of boys and some men. I have seen myself happy in love and also have my head hit the wall severally to cure my pain🥲. I’ve had a great time laughing in bed, most times naked, communicating my love to the best of me, and exchanging saliva and intellect too🤤. I’ve also had a downtime weeping for love while IN LOVE, I yearned for one that spoke my language, covers my flaws and the flawed inattentiveness of these men🤦‍♀️. Not that I was entirely good too, some of these men found me too slow, some, very threatening to their ego💁‍♀️. In all, we loved till we were unable to anymore.

Letting go of love doesn’t erase the memories, it doesn’t erase the secret thoughts we shallow buried in our minds🥺. These thoughts hurt sometimes and if only we had one more opportunity to converse with our ex-lovers and let them all out… if only…👩‍🦯

unsent letter to my ex — Source- We Heart It

Dear Panda:

I choose to address you as ‘Panda’ because it soothes your personality😊. No, you are not fat, but everyone loves a panda because their personality looks soothing and cute just by mere looking, and so is yours🤗. Before we started dating, I had a deep crush on you and carefully carved my steps so you’ll notice me😏. And the first day we spoke remains the only time I’ve ever been happy to come home and not find the house keys🤣🤣. If my sister had left the keys, you wouldn’t have found me stranded to involve me in a conversation🤭. The first mistake of our love was having it in secrecy and no darling, I do not blame you, I was barely 18 and my elder brother will slit your throat if he found out😑. Then again, you loved the church (I hope you still do🤥), and was the hero, the peacemaker, the exceptional final year student, the first son…yen yen yen😑… so many titles that made you feel it was a grave sin against your God and mankind when we had our first kiss and precum wetted your boxers😶.

“I feel like I’ve sinned, getting romantic with you made me feel so dirty…When I was young, a prophet told my mother that I shouldn’t be involved with a lady…” Wait! How many hours did it take you to rehearse these lines before you interrupted my beauty sleep for midnight calls🤣🤣? Till today, I wonder how a twenty-something-year-old would leave an 18-year-old hanging with some talk coated in cowardice😏. You really wish I was scared of prophets🤣. Well, because of you, I now hate religious fanatics, avoid first sons like a plague, and men who are book smart but street dull👩‍🦯.

Let’s be fair, for an 18-year-old, I tried, I communicated unlike you who would rather visit your religious book to select words to say to me☹. After dragging both ends of the rope with hopes that when I got into the university, we’ll have a share of freedom to properly love, you still had some hogwash lines reserved for me🥺. “Hey mama! Just have fun, blend with the environment, don’t feel limited to explore”…this was after I asked you if you were still in. What a shame you couldn’t declare your lack of interest boldly🙄. For a fact, I’m thankful you left actually because I surely exploreeeeeeeddddddd and you my love, would have been a burden👩‍🦯.

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In all, thank you for evoking the writer skills in me🥰. Before I met you, I thought writers descended from space but seeing you write kickstarted my own journey🤗. I still have your writings in my journal.

how many exes you got? — Source- Skill Share

Dear Tortoise

The one who is very likely mistakened for slow but you are fire😉. Very intelligent and knows a bit about everything. Frankly, I didn’t want to date you😶, I mean how can I date a guy in my department and worse of the same level with me🤢? It was so against my rules but then, you’ve been long into the friend zone and I thought this nigga sure deserves a promotion🤭. I felt the weight of dismay and disappointment in your face when you discovered I was a virgin🙃. If only you could turn back the hands of time right! but too late. Mehn! All the major fights we had was about sex, you couldn’t imagine how it is that someone could be scared of sex😵, what a shame😑, despite all the knowledge you had, you never read of genophobia👩‍🦯. I regret all the times I cried to sleep because you wouldn’t touch me except it was sex. Trust me, with the way you always glorified sex, you must be foolish to think that I never knew you were cheating the whole time of our almost two years🤧.

“Why do I feel like this is our last conversation?” Nah, you assured me. Said you couldn’t stay any longer but promised we’ll see in the morrow😒. I tried to believe you but a still voice beneath kept yelling; “This is it! This is the last time you’ll see him”. And that was it, you never showed up again😭. I felt insulted reaching out to you with a lengthy note via WhatsApp, and all you responded was “Aiit”🤦‍♀️. You didn’t even acknowledge me with respect and not abbreviate the word ‘Alright’. What exactly was alright in all I sent you 🥺?

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You never reached out, I was miserable😖. Days turned into weeks and weeks decayed into months yet no words from you😪. I needed closure, I hoped that one day you would call. I was always anxious to pick calls from unsaved numbers hoping it’s you saying hello from the other side😓. But No. Frankly, It would have been better if you were dead because my situation felt like someone who knew not the whereabouts of their loved one and every day they hoped they would come home or better still receive news of their death so they could move on😔.

I wonder, so if I didn’t put a call across after almost two years of ghosting, you wouldn’t have?😏 Well, sweet to know we’ve buried the hatchet and you remain one of my favorite persons🤗. And I also hope you’ve been enjoying all the sex in the world because just maybe that’s the core of your existence.

Hey Chameleon!!

Chameleon because when I feel I have figured you out, you switch to a new color😖. Our relationship was extremely loving yet extremely confusing too; a detrimental polar opposite🤦‍♀️. We had so much love to give yet hoarded it in ego and replaced it with fervent miscommunication🙇‍♀️. Gosh!! We argued about everything and became too toxic to stay together yet not bold to leave🙍‍♀️. You made me reckon with the lines “love is not everything” and I’m grateful I mustered the bravery to say I wasn’t interested anymore🥲. I didn’t do it for just me baby, we needed it. I know you’re still shocked we didn’t end up together, I am sometimes too, and whenever it hits me I say within “You did what was best girl”👩‍🦯.

How can two grown adults who say they love each other go radio silent on each other for three weeks and to think we even raised the bar a certain time for two months😱!? That was the last straw for me and I remember whispering aloud under my breath “MY MUMU DON DO”🤭. My personality was too strong for you and rather than communicate your displeasure you’d rather look for a way to bruise my ego😔. All the times you said “Uju now, but I was only joking”, I never believed you cause I’m a fan of the saying “people hide under the aegis of jokes to say what they do not have the courage to say normally”. And then everything was always a competition, I got so scared of breaking my good news to you, maybe I always read your gestures wrongly, just maybe… anyway, I hope you’ve found the love you deserve🤗.

DID I OPEN YOUR SCARS TOO?

Still have a bunch of stuff to say but I’ve been getting some mild jabs that my stories are becoming way too long 🤣🤣 so I’ll just continue on Naked Minds. Did any of my exes remind you of yours? Anyway, I decided to make this post an open diary aka a vent room for us to talk about the unsaid stuff we never said to our ex(es)🥲. And No! It’s not just only three guys I’ve dated, I felt so ashamed having to count all my fingers and begun counting all over again when my friend asked during our conversation “But Uju, how many guys you don date self?”… while counting, we both burst into uncontrollable laughter🤣🤣.

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Well, these are the only three I recognize, the rest can face back please😑 …So over to you, I’ll like you to share those unsaid words you wish you could say to your ex(es), doesn’t have to be something lengthy or bad and you don’t have to talk about all of them (one or two is fine) or address them by their real names🐄🐖. Also if you have any reservations concerning any of my exes, feel free to say in the comment🤧. Remember, this is my side to the story, they might have a better or unappealing narrative about me but I really don’t care👩‍🦯.

Also, do you feel it’s right to still maintain communication with an ex? Let’s talk Mutterers, this should be enlightening and fun😁… leave me your comment👇…and never forget, this is a safe place😝👇👇.

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I am Muttering

Banana Marketing, My Almost Obsession and…

By muttering minds January 8, 2021

8 min read

I’ll lose myself, yet it’s still me. A moment where I feel as free as a kite and in that happiness of freedom, I hope that the controller, ‘my mind’, whose hands hold my life at the moment doesn’t give me up completely, even though I feel it staggering. Whenever I’m in this moment, I either dance like a lunatic, I feel my soul in my mouth in a way that makes me appreciate the mad men on the streets; the real heroes who defy the punishment Eve gifted mankind and walk around naked. Freedom no constitution can cripple! 😎

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It’s alcohol! This is how I feel whenever I take ‘excessive’ shots. I’m not a minimalist when it comes to alcohol, I’m either not riding or I ride like Dominic Toretto when Fast and Furious. I scarcely ever drink but when I do, the truth side of my mind hints to me…“But you know you’ve got the tendencies of an alcoholic right🙄?” An ugly statement, yet I cannot debate it. The only debate I have with my mind is when people say alcohol is bitter as fuck and peer pressure is what makes people drink. Excuse you?!🙄 We can all agree on the bitter but to hell with peers, I drink to free my mind💆‍♀️.

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banana marketing — Source- Clipart Library

Sometimes my mind is a camel carrying too much burden, woe betides it passes the eyes of a needle😪. It’s that heavy, I wanna sink into oblivion and bury my thoughts on the things that should matter. Even though some folks say “So what next? Doesn’t the load press on after the alcohol fades?”, well it does no doubt but I am grateful for that little time I didn’t have to think about it, instead I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU😬, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her. This happened the last time I took alcohol, she knew I was drunk but most importantly knew I meant all of those words👭. Truthfully, If I hadn’t taken those shots, I wouldn’t have done that, or at least not in that manner.

Unfortunately, this new year 2021, alcohol made it on my ‘TO STOP LIST’. What a detestable achievement for the inventors🤧. My doctor said I should stop drinking because I have a bad ulcer but frankly how do you tell someone to stop something without providing an alternative🤷‍♀️? It’s the reason why I don’t try to change people👩‍🦯. And then my baby with the “Promise me you’ll stop drinking” line… huh🙄? “But baby, am I an alcoholic😒?”… “You’re not but…” hmmm be rest assured whatever words follow after ‘but’ will break your heart🧐.

It will be hard, really hard not to sip some shots once in a while but I’ll try especially because I intend to live long🙉. Do you know a remedy that can cure my almost obsession with alcohol? Don’t suggest to me therapy please, except you want the poor therapist to take in more than she can swallow🤷‍♀️.

THE ONLY BITCH I HATE😡

How ironic, the only thing I wanted to be STOPPED or fair enough STOP SEEING made it to 2021😩. What was God thinking when he created cockroaches😩? I feel offended he even blessed them with brown skin, speed, and the most oppressing of all, the gift of flight😖. I’m afraid the only phobia I wouldn’t get over no matter my age is my fear for cockroaches. It’s so bad that the moment I spot one in my room, I’m not sleeping there except I see evidence of its dead body😩. Thanks to my sister, who always came through with a broom or slippers to wipe their crazy guts to death🙁. Dear sister, the only reason I cried at your wedding was that I knew it was an automatic warrant for these bitches to torment me🥺.

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Imagine running away from my room in the middle of the night to the parlor only to meet the same nightmare there😩, or I wake up in the morning and see a dead roach on the floor…”Whattt!!!!😱 Who killed you? 😱Definitely not me!!😰 Did you fuking crawl on my body before you arrived dead😩? Please wake up and tell me NOOOO then you can die again😩😩” A back-breaking puzzle I wish I could solve. The one time I asked my mum, she said it’s old age, that really old roaches die if they fall from flying. I don’t know if this is true and I have refused to Google it because I have chosen it as my truth, ain’t no Google breaking my heart with bad news🙁.

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Imagine making a video call and a cockroach flies on your body😔? Ooh damn😰!! That was so embarrassing for me, thank God I wasn’t talking to my crush otherwise wahala o🥴. And to think that some coconut heads blush when they’re told “Baby you are the only cockroach in my cupboard”…ewwwwwww🤮🤮… of all the lines mehn!. Overcoming my phobia of cockroaches is the only therapy I need💆‍♀️.

banana marketing cockroach meme — Source- Pintrest

WASTING A PRAYER POINT SLOT

During new year’s eve, my friend posted “God will not allow me to procrastinate in this new year, I’ll chase my dreams”. Hmmmmm about this🤥, I used to have similar prayer point in previous new years until I realized I was only wasting a prayer point slot🤭. Procrastination and motivation come hand in hand for me, if I’m not motivated, there’s no way in heaven I am doing that task😑. It’s evident especially in my craft when I forcefully write a story because of a deadline, I don’t feel me in it and the reception from the audience says the same, they try so hard to find me in it😒. For me, I wouldn’t say I procrastinate, I just have zero motivation sometimes🤭. The moment I realized this was it, I began to pray to God for a motivating spirit instead and he sure does bless me with it but my shameless self spends most of the energy fornicating various social media apps🤣🤣. Indeed a wasted prayer slot and I cannot promise to do better this year🤣🤣.

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BANANA MARKETING

Towards the end of last year, I noticed my mum buying bananas every other day despite not being a fan🤭. Well, what’s my business, the only business I had was strolling into her shop almost every evening to take some. I actually thought it was a loving gesture towards her husband, my dad, who I’m sure in his former life was a monkey because his obsession for bananas is really obsessive🤣🤣.

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“Uju ooo, this banana woman won’t let me rest o… everyday na so so “Madam you must buy banana” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I laughed so hard. She added that she was doing it out of pity too as it was the woman’s only source of income. Hmmmmm… one day, my mum went out and asked me to be the guardian angel of her shop for the day, and guess who showed up? BANANA WOMAN😁. I pretended like I hadn’t heard her gist and asked if she wanted to buy something. “No o…your mama dey?” she inquired. I told her she wasn’t. “Sisi you no go buy banana?” There we go again🤣. I told her I had no money on me and I couldn’t take my mum’s. “No o, I no be stranger now, collect am buy, even your mama go chop out of am when she return”. In my mind, I was already rolling on the floor due to excessive laughter🤣🤣, but tried so hard not to let it out. “If you no buy my banana I go quarrel with you o sisi” Ah😳! Now this is serious 🤣🤣🤣. To cut the story, I asked her how much a bunch cost and I paid. As soon as she left, I burst into laughter, such as guts!

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Wonder why I’m telling you about this banana seller? Witnessing her display of ‘not accepting No’ spirit and aggressive marketing is a privilege for me as she really inspired me😅. I’m going all out this year with marketing this blog to everyone even those who care not to listen🙃. You either read or READ or I quarrell with you😑😑😑. Tell you what, after my encounter with her, I was spamming on Twitter and someone replied to one of my tweets saying “ODE” in caps. Normally, that’s enough to ruin my mood as in the past I’ll delete that tweet and possibly block the favoured fool🙄. But this time around, I laughed so hard and said to myself “Better be prepared to call me more names”🤣🤣🤣. The most ironic thing about spamming on Twitter is that the owners of the tweet never complain, it’s some lunatic on a rampage who chooses to carry a cross that’s not theirs🙄. Bottom line, I’ll be more intentional, thanks to the special banana seller, I’ve been waiting for her to come collect her Christmas gift, seems like she hasn’t resumed the hustle😅. You all better join me in inculcating the BANANA MARKETING module for your hustle🤭.

ANOTHER SET OF HEROES

To the ones who always put huge stones or tree trunks on my flooded street whenever it rains so that passersby like me can walk on them rather than water🥺, thank you so much🥲. You are the reason I’m motivated to go out even though it’s rained cats and dogs💦. It’s a very good gesture and I hope you keep at it this year 2021 and most importantly I hope to replicate the act too😅.

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floods banana marketing — Source- Economic Times

I’ve held many strange hands while crossing the busy roads of Lagos. I’m terrified of highways but these individuals lend me their hand and we cross together😙. Not sure I say thank you enough😔. Even the ones who can smell my fear without me having to say and then they let me stay by their side and signal when it’s time to cross, thank you😅. If you do any of these for pedestrians, please do not stop, you are the reason why many people like me still have their lives intact🙏.

YOU MAN! YOU LADY!❣

Hey man! Hey lady! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 😁 It’s a privilege to have your eyes and mind read about the things I want to see and do more this year (2021), the only bitch I hate and my almost obsession with alcohol 🤭. Thank you! I’m sure you have yours too, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s gonna be different for you this year😅, the things you appreciate and any other you’ll like to share. If you don’t share any at all with me, I’ll quarrel with you🙄 *in banana sellers voice*… and if you are against the ‘new year, new rules’ format, I’ll like to know why too. Common, leave me a comment below😁👇👇.

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I am Muttering

Maybe Holiday Syndrome

By muttering minds December 22, 2020

7 min read

I’m tired😒, never been so unmotivated to write for myself like I am now😔. That moment where you have a lot of things to say yet you can barely make a sentence out of the bunch and even when you do, your brain welcomes it like soured beans, no sense😪! I was actually writing a story I think is beautiful, but anxiety got the most part of me, or maybe holiday syndrome?🤔

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But I had promised one last straw of creativity to Mutterers, so I kept scribbling words I felt made sense before I came to terms with looking my truth in the eye. I could have completed the story🥺, but I wouldn’t have felt so much love for it, and every time I sip a sentence, down to a paragraph from it, it’s only win will be reminding me of a time where I struggled to make sense🤦‍♀️. I hate to feel this way, the only time I’m allowed to is when I’m at a job interview, and I’m asked “where do you see yourself in five years?”🤨 I always try to make sense by stating a lot of stuff that hasn’t even made it to my bucket list yet🤥…wishful thinking, just because I need the job. Funny how this question is cliché yet hard, it goes to show that not every regular thing is near at hand; some are earth-shattering🥶.

ANXIETY

I don’t know what it is actually, but in these last days of 2020, I have been so tensed that it makes my legs twitch😬. Sometimes I blame it on the many workloads, other times I think there’s something really wrong😒. I get angry too and consciously look for a victim to transfer my aggression🥴. I’ve found myself putting too many chats on mute and even archived them because these individuals have sworn an oath to intensify my anxiety with their text messages always signing off with “ASAP”🙄. You won’t kill me fam! No, you won’t😑! But the biggest scam in all these is Mark Zukerberg😴, how do you make provisions for archiving and muting chats, only for it to get lost in just a second and come back to drive a nail in my eyes the next time the buffoon messages me again🤷‍♀️. Please scrap these features or improve them. Mute should mean ‘SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY😑!!’…while archiving a chat should mean ‘GET LOST! NEVER TO BE FOUND BITCH😡!’ Not unless I grant you a presidential pardon.

I fought with the love of my life shortly before coming to terms with writing this😤. He advised me to shut my laptop for a while and look for something else to do since the words were not running as fast as a roach avoiding a broom wipe😕. I hated him for saying this, I expected a “baby you got this!”👊 with some other sweet words following. “How can you tell me to give up?😢 I promised one last story for the year, you know what, good night!😕” After I hung up, I went on Whatsapp to dish him an appetizer of my last vent only for the mister to react by sending me several scrolls longer than the one Moses used in repressing the Israelites from their hearts’ filth😭😭. I got so agitated that I began to wonder what the whole argument was about🤔. It was me really🥺. Me feeling tired yet not wanting to accept it😒. Me looking for answers that were already cat walking before my third eye😔.

Sometimes we know what exactly is wrong with us; we just hope the narrative can be changed🥶. In my quest for answers, I felt the sudden urge to hand my burden over to someone else who barely knows me, for some reason I felt running over another close friend will be futile still🤨. “Hey, I’m so exhausted, is it bad if I don’t show up again this year?” Pelumi replied to me with a sad eyed emoji 🥺🥺 and asked if it was work or the website? I couldn’t pin anything in particular, I sure knew I wasn’t feeling good and she said “Maybe holiday syndrome”🤔. The moment she said this, I felt some sort of relief, maybe I wasn’t running mad after all. Then she suggested “What about a short note? You can just wrap up with an appreciation note you know? So it doesn’t seem like you left Mutterers hanging.” The irony right now is that this right here is the 776th word I have written🤣🤣, how does this equate to a short note?🤦‍♀️ I haven’t even birthed my words of appreciation yet😆.

MAYBE HOLIDAY SYNDROME

Never have I looked forward to a holiday than this one🥴. Never have I been exhausted from everyone and everything but I am😔. I am too exhausted to a point where it’s affecting my work productivity, I really cannot wait😢. I wish I could be daggered in a box to have my beauty sleep for 600 years🛌 but that will be over my parent’s dead body😤 because I can tell they swore a subconscious oath that while I’m on earth, they will ensure blood and sweat that I may never relax my nerves😭😭. I’m the only child currently in the house, my other siblings fled for safety to avoid unending errands 😒. If you still believe I’m a writer; you are partly wrong🤕, best believe I am a full-time maid who takes care of two elderly babies and two dogs🙄. It’s rotten luck to be the only child in the house, don’t let anyone butter you up with the lie that there will be plenty of food because even if there is, house chores zap you of all the energy you need to enjoy a meal🤮. A malnourished appetite is what you live with, always, and forever🤮.

Most importantly, this holiday, I want to rest. Rest my head and possibly switch off my phones💆‍♀️. I had planned to visit the beach and some other places, but I’ll pass, I really do not have the energy to muster those electrifying beach perfect smiles👩‍🦯. If you plan on spending ample time on your bed like me this holiday, your goal is valid👊. Do not let anyone stop you from loving your bed even though the last time you visited the beach was since you were 10-years-old like me😴.

Fun is like love. Like you need to love yourself first before you can seek it in someone else, fun is the same, learn to have fun with yourself first🙂. If you haven’t experienced stage one and you decide to throw caution to the wind this season, I pray your beach shirt gets burnt while ironing🤨 or the shoe you reserved for dirty December gets eaten by a rabid dog😕. Nonsense and ingredients😡! You all can’t keep making ‘we’ introverts feel bad🙄.

I WISH YOU ******

I don’t know what you love so that I can wish you get it but I know something you must love, and that’s Muttering Minds😆😆. If you don’t already love this community, then I wish you do😗. I wish you get choked by the obsession of every word here that you are provoked to leave a comment always😊. I wish you spread the goodnews of the interesting stories here aggressively as Paul did in Macedonia to the gospel of Christ😂😂. This is my wish for you, come 2021🤎. Do I sound selfish?🙊 Well, aren’t we all?😜 Or you expected me to say “I wish you what you wish for yourself”? That’s vague and how can I be sure your wish is not my death?🤷‍♀️ It’s out of harm’s way we play this way🤝.

Sincerely, I thank you all for riding with me throughout 2020 ❤ and most especially understanding that I am human too, that’s what I love the most about our relationship here😁. Your continuity to show up is my drive and be sure I do not take it for triviality. Above all, I wish you a peaceful holiday🤗, and if you ever get bored, feel free to send me an email (mutteringminds@gmail.com) so we can gossip some😜. You do know gossip is good relaxation for the nerves right🤪?

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This is officially the last post for the year💃💃, to resume next year, a date only God has the answer to👩‍🦯. However, I’ll like to officially announce that new stories will now be every Friday or Sunday as opposed to the subtle guesswork trauma I’ve been putting you all through for the past year🤭. Fridays for every other post and Sundays when it is religious inclined🤝. I pray the genie who blesses my spirit with the ingredient to procrastinate and be inconsistent departs from me in the New Year. I GOT THIS!!!💃💃

So let’s talk, what do you look forward to during this holiday?😃 How would you like to spend it? Any wish?😅 Remember, whatever you say is valid. Low-key I’m hoping I’m not alone on this sleep quest🙃, do not betray me, brethren, I repeat, DO NOT! Identify yourselves so I can form a sleep coven😂😂.

Common, gist me, let’s talk in the comment section😁. And if you got any reservations about all I wrote so far, feel free to say too. I’m waiting. 😁👇

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I am Muttering

Our Names and the Nickname Disease

By muttering minds November 24, 2020

8 min read

After one of the members on Naked Minds called my attention for using real-names instead of nicknames of fellow subscribers in reposting responses to stories, I made up my mind that I was going to apologize properly by letting you all in on my many nicknames; some of which are lost in space, I hope never to find the need of them again😐.

Nicknames are cool, at least for me. Lowkey, I suffer from a fevered admiration for people who get called by their nicknames so often that even their close friends forget what their real names sound like. Do you have people like this around you? Well, I got one, his nikky is ‘Effect’…my nigga’s so hardworking his peers and superiors felt an uncommon urge to christen him again😄. His real name and his abilities are like oil and water, gargle at your own risk, they both won’t gel. Wondering what it is? Well, I don’t know either🙈…met him as Effect, and Effect he shall continue to be…what I don’t know can’t hurt me🤡.

IF YOU LAUGH…I SHOOT!

Well, getting a unique and popular nickname was a goal for me in secondary school. It felt tech to own one, I wanted to belong by all means. And even if I said no to the mantle, these slum/parting books staged themselves at playful corners waiting to embarrass me🤕. How do I tell the owner of a Slum book that I got no nickname to fill? and even if I left it vacant without her knowledge, eventually, in the long future when she revisits it, she’s hit suddenly by the trauma of how weird I was in high school. Not me! I didn’t want anyone to have such memories about me😂😂.

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So I ferried on a nickname quest🚣‍♀️. I began asking friends what they felt will soothe me for a nickname, specifically one they can call me any time even in public. I remember brainstorming with Ayomide, my bunkmate, and some others. As expected, they coined appellations from my English name ‘Doris’. Sure you can already predict the kind of nicknames they came up with. ‘Dodo’, ‘Dori Baby’, even the spelling backward jinx ‘Sirod’. Yuck! 🤮

I wasn’t having it. They all felt cliche. “Common now, I’m bigger than all this jargon🙄”, I often said this within me anytime they suggested some dementia allusive nikky. Do you ever know what you want sometimes but then shy to say it, instead you look for someone to help push you to your death so that at the end of the day, you can have a name to blame when things fall apart?😹 This was the game I was playing but how disappointing, no one thought in my direction😫.

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“How about something sexy and mischievous?”, I suggested in a low tone. Trust the girls on this one 🤣🤣🤣, names started flying up and down. Guess the name I settled for 😭😭…‘SEXY BREEZE’ !!! oh, my days!!! Looking back now, I feel so embarrassed. Were my bunch of friends so stupid or I was the stupid one for agreeing to be coined a nickname for a tomfool?🤒 I definitely was so stupid! You need to see the way I blushed whenever someone called me ‘Sexy Breeze’. It felt so dope mehn😂😂!. But unfortunately, the name didn’t bring as much popularity as expected so I ferried on another quest🚣‍♀️.

Thanks to my very stupid friends again, I was caught between choosing ‘MYSTIQUE’ or ‘SEDUCTIVE MYSTIQUE’. Being an Oliver twist, I decided to do both. Depends on what mood I was in whenever someone handed me their slum book to fill. If I felt like a ‘Mystique’, then Mystique it is; if I felt spicy at the time, then ‘Seductive’ came before the ‘M’😹.

I still didn’t make the hall of fame with any of them. The only person who made me feel really welcomed with the name was one of my friends Tope, who had her feet swept off in admiration that she had to nikky herself ‘SEDUCTIVE SEDUCTRESS’ How insane?!😂😂 I remember hailing her to her face and screaming “bloody copy cat” in my mind😫. Asides from my unreserved hate for copycats, I deserved to be the only ‘seduction’ in school dammit! 😐

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Reflecting on how stupid the nicknames were, I should have left her to bear all of them. To date, Ayomide still taunts me with these nicknames. So if I become president tomorrow, this is how she’ll reveal one of my many foolish decisions in life right😫! Wicked girl!🤕 Not like hers was any better, who the f*** bears ‘Ayomzy Delight’? Only hoodlums😂😂

STILL FOOLISH?

Joining Facebook after secondary school and seeing the way people spelled their usernames started to tickle my fancy. For example, someone who bears ‘Ayomide’ refines the spelling to ‘Haryohmide’. Mehn that shit looked so dope to me and if I don’t belong, who will🙈? But it was so heartbreaking, all my many remixes didn’t sound nice and I wasn’t with my foolish friends anymore to help me figure it out. Looking back now, I bless God o, otherwise they would have given me a remix best for simpletons😂😂. However, I got one, all thanks to my ex.

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What I was searching for was right beside me but I couldn’t see it… One day I decided to check my baby boy’s phone to see what he used in saving my number and boom! I saw ‘DHAUREYZ’… this was his remix for ‘DORIS’. It felt so cool, I adopted it without blinking, and to date, I use it for virtually everything; pseudonyms, emails, social media, etc. I know you are trying so hard to pronounce it 🤣🤣🤣… take it easy on yourself, a lot have bitten their tongues on that quest.

DREAMS ACTUALLY DO COME THROUGH…

And the last one…. Hopefully not the least🎯…My long lost dream of having a nickname that replaces my own name finally came to pass in the university. Hurrayyyyy!!!💃💃 Blow the trumpets!!!🥳🥳 Oh, my days! Even though I blacklisted the hostel because of my experience with infection, I must admit my time spent there was exhilarating.

I like to believe I was a hot cake, I mean hot inside the brain o and maybe a portion of hot outside🤡. Then I used to be more involved in poetry, brewing, and writing everywhere in the school (for those who cared to read anyway😁). And then I got big news that I was nominated for the Nigerian Writers Award, for Poetry Writer of the year category. I was more shocked than excited when I saw the news online (this is a story for another Naked Minds gist😆). That type of shock where you recheck for the umpteenth time to see if it’s really your name and if it is, you’re still in shock because you think the news is for someone else who bears your exact names. That’s how I felt.

I broke the news to one of my close friends Victoria and before I knew it, she started hailing and shouting ‘UJU MALOO’… what is ‘MALOO’??? I had no idea but it sounded cool, although with a blend of ‘razness’, I loved it. That was how the name flew🚀. I stayed in the hostel for two years and throughout the time, I was either called ‘Maloo’ or ‘Uju Maloo’. Maloo is a Yoruba word and depending on the caller’s tone, it could mean ‘Go’ or ‘Come’. But to Victoria, she meant ‘Go’, more like “keep on moving and winning Uju”.

Read: You Can Never Be Yourself!

To cut the story short, ‘Maloo’ faded as soon as I left the hostel😓. But of course, I still saw some of the hostel mates who would always shout it out whenever they saw me on the walkway or somewhere in the school😄. It always felt like home. Even now, whenever I hear someone speaking Yoruba and says ‘Maloo’, it has a way of putting a genuine smile on my face😁.

THE ESSENCE

Although added a little spice to this article on publishing here, it’s actually a Naked Minds exclusive. You better join cause I won’t be betraying my coven anytime soon again😫.

Asides that this is an intended fun post to get us to unwind and sign out gradually from this puzzle-twisting year, I wanted to poke the essence of names🌚. Names are either powerful or impotent. Some are sweet, some are salty to the ears. Some sound so sweet yet a profitless meaning💩…some are an ear sore, but got beautiful meaning. You hear some names and you’re like “Huh? You mean your parents actually gave you this name😳”…that embarrassing! I wouldn’t want to mention names lol.

Most part of me wanting a nickname by force was because I didn’t see my two names as good enough and soothing for my personality. Have you ever pondered on your name(s) and asked yourself “why me”? Why did my parents choose to call me this? Well, I did for ‘Doris’, still stuck on trying to love the name🙁. I couldn’t fall in love with it because of the many unappealing tones people prefer to pronounce it😤. I wish I could insert an audio sample🤧. But I’ve always loved Obianuju (since I got mature though), and even invested more love for it after my parents told me I was named ‘Obianuju’ because shortly after my birth they both bagged a huge salary increase at work. Obianuju means ‘Born into wealth’ …but the meaning of Doris always fluctuates between the ‘bad and good’ whenever I look it up😏. There’s never been a unified meaning, I think whoever invented the name was six feet buried in confusion at the time😬.

Read: Parents Are The Best Pretenders

Have you ever reflected on your names before?🤔 Heard some of you got like seven and counting🤠, unlike me, I wasn’t fortunate enough to be named by all the prominent members of my extended family🤣🤣. I’ll love to know your names and what you feel about them. Would you say they resonate with your personality or your parents deserve 600 years for such cruelty? 😂😂

Hmmmmm about my many nicknames 🤐… what’s yours and how did you come by it? I like to believe the way some of these nikky’s sound is the reason we choose them, not necessarily what they mean🤭. Did you at some point want a nickname so bad like I did? Do you have a past regrettable nickname🤣🤣? And you see that name, yes! That very one you use on IG and Twitter… How did you arrive there? ‘Sexy posh’, ‘Dragon’, ‘Barbie doll’, ‘Cupcake’, “Renegade’ …Is that you? 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Warning!!! Do not try to taunt me with my first three nicknames, otherwise I go comot ya teeth just now😂😂. I’m curious to hear yours, I will try not to laugh. Common… Let me in😌, leave me a comment 😂😂👇👇

P.s. I want to propose that parents should leave about one or two name slots open until a child is grown so we can name ourselves according to our personalities. Dear future kids, I got you😆!

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I am Muttering

A Long Haul Down My Vagina

By muttering minds November 10, 2020

9 min read

“oooh Maloo open your legs now…don’t let me injure you with this thing now, cooperate so it can go in😖”…Jules said, in a frustrated tone and tensed stare, I could tell she’s had enough of me. “Shhh, ishhh😣…ah! ah! Jules, it’s paining me😩…is there no other way😢?” I responded while I lay down, fighting my thighs from closing up on her fingers. God knows, I needed them to open up but my thighs played like the morning glory flower, it was a struggle getting them to stay open at night whenever Jules called. She thought I didn’t want to give in, but I couldn’t explain why we had to struggle our way through my vagina every night. Pathetic😞!

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This was our routine for more than a week, most nights I’ll cry and hope she forgets to call me up for it but no, Jules never forgot. She enjoyed taking care of me and will do anything to see I’m well and running. For me, the routine felt like exhausting my nine lives, getting them restored again only to die again the next night. Gosh😵! When will this be over😩😩?!

BEFORE THEN…

“Babe carry disinfectant pour inside hot water, siddon on top for like 10 minutes, all these itchings go stop in no time💁‍♀️”… oh Nelly, my roommate in sophomore year with all the ugly and good advice. Funny how her voice still replays very fresh in my head. I had been rigorously itching my vagina for days and needed a quick solution🥴. Nelly was always a go-to, but this time around, her solution wasn’t lasting. Despite her recommended disinfectant ritual (vagina steaming), the itching got even more intense that one time, I was tempted to use the cover of my pen to brush the lips of my vagina, hoping it will get better once and for all but no😭.

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After the unfruitful merry go round, I decided to pitch a tent in the hospital. “Doris *****! Doris *****!”… “Present Ma🗣!”, I responded hesitantly while raising my voice. If you’ve ever visited a hospital in Nigeria, especially the ‘general’ ones, you already have an idea of how the nurses scream names like uncultured vultures🙄. “It’s time for your swab, walk through the corridor and enter the last room by the left”. While I journeyed through the corridor, the word ‘swab remained restless in my head. I kept wondering what manner of murder I signed up for. Ah! Swab?🤔 Or did she say swap😧? I got to the room and met four female nurses, one instructed me to take off my pants and lay on the bed. “Your pants ke?! Why😱?”… my mind was bombarding me with questions I had no answers to😤.

I couldn’t find my calm🥶, I laid down on the bed with my pants off and the nurse approached me with an equipment that had a cotton bud-like tip. Apparently, that’s the swab. Immediately my facial expression got sourer🤢. “Errm errm, what do you want to do🥺?” I managed to confront the nurse with a jittery tone. “I don’t have time for questions, open your legs wide please😐”(of course rudeness is the only surgery general hospital nurses perform 100 percent successfully🙄)…Ah! immediately I jumped off the bed and started weeping. If a 6th party had come into the room, he/she would have thought I was about to be sacrificed for rituals. “No! No! I am not opening my legs, I want to go home, I am not doing again😫😫”, I fell in a pool of my tears while staggering to wear my pants and Jean. Afterward, I picked my bag and stood by the door, staring at the nurses. It was like the scenario of a child warned by the mother not to go outside but he feels crying will make the mother let him so he weeps till infinity hoping to hear “Okay…go…”

The nurses were confused. What sin could they have committed to warrant God blessing them with an adult who couldn’t take a simple seven-word instruction; “Lay down and open your legs wide”🤔.

“What’s wrong?” one of the nurses was kind enough to ask. “Please don’t put anything inside my vagina😫😫”…I yelled amid my crying profusely.

SOURCE OF MY FEAR

Zero thanks to Nollywood🙄🤡, a girl has sex for the first time or is raped in a movie and the amount of blood that trickles down her laps and soaks the behind of her dress is the amount of a mini- ocean🥴😵. And then the wails, no consolation prize could stop it😪😪. These movies messed with my childhood/teenage life, I hated sexual talk and could never have a successful fantasy of anything going close to my vagina; not even my fingers😤.

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And here I am, with four strange nurses, they better kill me because I’m not opening these legs. “Are you a virgin?”, one of them asked, I responded in the affirmative. “How come you have an infection?”. Well, I wouldn’t know🙄, not like I’ve been living a little in the ‘just the tip’ paradise with some boy anyway🙄. At that time, the hostel was a mess and my room was two rooms apart from the hostel toilet, poop flooded the corridor and there was no Noah’s ark to run to for refuge🤮. Dammit! the cleaners were on strike😩. Despite covering my nose whilst passing through the corridor, my pants were no bulletproof to save my vagina from receiving a bad gift😖. This was the only logical explanation I could link to me being infected. In the hostel, it was fondly referred to as toilet infection but the ‘too knows’🙄 said it was a Sexually Transmitted Infection. Who am I to argue🤷‍♀️?

Can You Get an STD from a Toilet Seat? — Source: Flo

Since I was afraid, the nurse told me to help myself but I couldn’t😔. I was so scared to touch my own body, what if I put it and blood starts gushing out and they can’t help🥴? I had a weird mental picture of things going south. Then she assured me they weren’t putting the whole swab inside, just the tip to get some fluid to run a test. With my heart in my mouth, I gave in😴.

AFTER THEN…

When the result came out, it was no news I had an infection, the only news which was in fact bad for me was that I was given vagina pills to insert daily inside my vagina🤯. Fucking hell!🤯 You and who😳?! I am a preacher of ‘complete your dose so the illness doesn’t come back’, but this was beyond me. I was going to discard the pills.

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On my way to my hostel, I called an older male friend who knew the whole ordeal. “Michael! I am dead😩! They gave me something to be putting inside, I can’t😩😫” I cried so much over the phone that people on the bus thought I must have lost someone. I wondered why I had to go through such, oh lord, have my sins overflown the cup you had to plague me with this😫? it appeared like a very severe illness to me, as a matter of fact, I had never heard of it until then. I went to Micheal’s hostel and that was when he called on Jules his bestie. I had met Jules on some occasion before then because we attended the same fellowship, unluckily for me, she was willing to help me😞. So sad, I needed someone at that time to support my motion of throwing the entire pills but no, elder Jules and Michael betrayed me☹. I packed my bags from the hostel and went to join Jules off-campus. It was an enjoyable time, asides from the first five nights where I had to open my thighs against their will so that Doctor Jules can insert the pills😖.

Vagina pills — Sample of vagina Pills (Source- Flo)

CARRYING MY CROSS WITHOUT SIMON OF CYRENE TO HELP

Finally, I became free from all the itching, it was time for holiday and I was home🤓. But guess who decided to not go on holiday? The Devil😢! About two weeks into the holidays, he plagued me with itching five times more than the last😩😩. Who do I run to😭? What if my mum thinks I’ve been having sex in school😭😭? Where the hell is JULESSS😵!! So many questions but the same answer. “Try Nelly’s advice again, maybe it could work this time”. Well, I did, but it failed🙄.

I had to tell my mum in a strange way. “Ah toilet infection🤯!” she exclaimed. I took a deep relief breath🥵, thank God, she didn’t call it STI😊. She agreed to go to the pharmacy for me. The head pharmacist spoke to me over the phone and said since the infection came back despite completing my dose, it means I didn’t treat my sexual partner. What rubbish🙄?! What’s with everyone thinking everyone has sex🙄?! “Ah no oooo😱! Which sexual partner😳?!” I made sure to scream. She gave a boring laugh and said okay, then it’s cause I didn’t change my undies. Why on earth was this not the first thing she said for Christ’s sake😐! To think my mum heard all that crap.

Is It Normal For my Vagina to Burn - Causes of Vaginal Burning — Source- Cosmopolitan

My mum got home, bearing a bad gift. Vagina pills again😞! Oh, dear Jesus save me😩! She handed me the pills and prescriptions. How casual it is to say, does this woman even understand that I can’t do this myself😫?

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY

To God be my glory, after lying to her that I was almost done with the pills yet suffering a grave itch on the side, I finally came up with a solution🤓. I remembered I had a large part of a broken mirror in my room. I reached for it, put it on the floor, and squatted. The mirror was in-between, while my legs were wide apart🤭.

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For the first time in my twenty-one years of living this earth, I saw a vagina😱, my vagina🤯! And what she looked like. “Ewwwwww🤮”, I cringed and started crying because I didn’t know what to do next😫. I felt like a failure. Where do I insert these pills🥺? God! So I reasoned to let out a few drops of pee on the mirror, wherever the pee comes out from should be my answer. To my surprise, the pee hole(urethral opening) was as good as a full stop😳. I never knew, I thought we peed through the vagina you know. As the angels would have it, I saw another slimy opening that looked more rational than a full stop🤓.

What Does A Vagina Taste Like? Guys Reveal What They Think It Tastes Like Down There — Source- Elite Daily

“Eisshh eiii🤢, uhmmmm😖”… so much discomfort, inserting the pills myself in the vagina opening. I did that for five days not without the help of the mirror though. Whew!

SEX EDUCATION AT HOME?

I have been binge-watching MTV Shuga…I know right😏, I’m late to the party😌. But it doesn’t overlook the fact that the series is very educational; one of the scenes made me recall this version of my past and also the sexual awareness preached by the parent actors to their children💯.

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Despite having to insert the pills myself, it didn’t make the sexual phobia (genophobia) go away😞. For a long time, I found myself cringing at the mention of sex or penetration🤢; those Nollywood rape scenes rented an apartment in my head for donkey years. I could never think of sex as pleasurable but too much blood and pain🤢. I couldn’t talk to anyone at home either. Kid you not, to date, the only time I and my mum were any close to talking about sex was when the pharmacists mentioned ‘sexual partner’. I somehow hoped that when she gets home, she will revisit the topic but apparently, she’s been practicing a ‘Fem’ ritual a long time ago even before Davido dreamt of preaching the message😊. Till today, some type of sex talks still feels discomforting but thank gracious Google’s always my first aid🤓.

Parents and sex education (vagina) — Source- Yahoo News Canada

I’ll like to know, do you or have you ever discussed sex with your parents or anyone in your family🤔? If yes or No, how does it feel😄? Do you wish any different😔? Also, like me, has there been a time where you found an amazing discovery concerning your body like I did with my vagina😄? If you’ve ever had a toilet infection or STI, how did you manage the phase🥺? And most importantly, did you ever pass through sexual phobia😖? Or you currently are🤢? What triggered it and how were (are) you able to deal with it? Let’s discuss this further in the comment section👇👇.

Do not forget to like, rate, and share this article!😁

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I am Muttering

I Missed a Step at Becoming a Lesbian

By muttering minds September 30, 2020

7 min read

Maybe I missed a step at becoming a lesbian…just maybe. Attending an all-girls school was fun but looking back now, it could have turned out to be what I love to call ‘A temporary situation deciding the fate of one’s entire existence’.

We were only girls, girls who apart from learning together carved our social and emotional sphere around each other. What do you think happens to a child who to some extent is exposed to some romantics on TV and doesn’t find themselves around the opposite sex to at least look piercingly into their eyes? Social and emotional unjust!

lesbian — We were only girls, girls who apart from… (source YouTube)

No! I didn’t kiss or shift a girl’s panties but like I said I missed a step. Living without boys but knowing they existed was social torture which was why some of us were curiously impatient to wait until we were out of the ‘elementary prison’ (boarding house). Some were bold enough to try it out with the same sex, some like me underwent a recurrent emotional torment in the heat of some occurrences.

Read: Sexuality Conflict; “I am a 25-year-old guy and I Love Boys but”…

On some occasions, the vile demon living in my mind calls my bluff with an inciting tone saying “Kiss her! Kiss her! I know you want it. I see the way you feel for her, she feels the same too. Give it a shot.” and then the other, the benevolent angel breathing in my mind debates the offer by berating me… “You know what happens to lesbians here… INDEFINITE SUSPENSION! And the stigma, you better not try it”. Despite that the blood running through my veins dashed their feet sometimes on a bump, yet my angel always preserved the better part of me; ensuring I was well behaved throughout the time.

lesbian LGBTQ — I was well behaved throughout the time. (Source-Medical News Today)

We improvised the absence of boys in many ways but acted like we didn’t know it was what we were doing (maybe we didn’t). Every girl was protective of their own best friend like it was some sort of a severe boy-girl relationship. If any girl as much as sniffed an inch closer to another girl’s close friend, the whole school gave her the bad title, ‘snatcher’. Some had dirty dealings under the duvets but weren’t caught though (not me🙃), unfortunately, smartness is not a parcel given to every man, there was ‘a caught’ for some who were immediately spooned out of school with an indefinite suspension.

Read: My First Sex Experience; Take Back Home

We had ‘fixes’, a concept of match-making. A senior girl student is fixed with a doppelganger junior girl student, usually, a class below to become friends and care for each other like sisters. It was a thing. If no one looked like you then sorry! you won’t be merged. I had my fair share of the cut but she was meek and very uninteresting sadly, so it felt like butterflies had no business in my corner. But some others enjoyed the fun and yeah a special kind of affection brewed.

Lest I forget, the pen pals. A middle man (student) links you up with someone else and you both exchange notes of love and care and after a solid relationship is formed, you decide to finally meet each other and continue being friends. More like a blind date but pens replaced phones.

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Caught in all these, I felt something for every one of these girls who at some point crossed my routine. There was more to the platonic appeal than meets the eyes. There were times where I felt tempted to want to touch them in severe ways or maybe steal a kiss. I was so sure they wouldn’t resist, especially my pen pal, who drove my urges more than the rest of the girls. Most nights we will lie together on the mini foam facing eye to eye, inhaling each other’s carbon dioxide while having a conversation. To me it wasn’t just a mere conversation, I felt something different but like a dog on a leash, I could only charge beyond its leash length (the fear of suspension kept me in check🥶). I bet she felt the same way too and like me, she was not bold enough to take the risk, and even if we were on the same wavelength, what if we get caught?

lesbians — I bet she felt the same way too and like me, she was not bold enough to take the risk…(source-LiveAbout)

Other provoking urges showed itself from time to time. In the holding of hands and walking together from prep, in the reconciliation with a fellow girl who we stopped speaking to for months…the comebacks always felt like it needed makeup sex to solidify it. I always found myself so clingy and so glad that we are back.

Read: Why I Hate Mutual Friends (Connections)

I still have a vivid memory of bathing together with a friend in the bathroom in Jss1 and we had a funny play of sizing our little breasts with our hands. We wanted to know who got it bigger so we did a subtle squeeze on each other’s boobs and laughed while at it. We acted ignorant like it meant nothing but deep down I felt something sensual, sure she felt it too judging from the look in her eyes. We never spoke of it afterward though🥴.

What were we to do anyway? We knew what urges were but there were no boys to experiment with, we had only us. I remember reading one of the comments on an old post here, “Homosexuality Is Not a Crime”, where the commenter opined that homosexual behavior asides from genetics being a leading cause is also caused by random environmental factors. I agree totally, our environment plays a huge role in deciding our sexuality. My college experience formed a bedrock for lesbianism, I could have fallen. Some girls fell prey to their urges and to date have remained lesbians (maybe bisexuals). It was all they could make from the environment. What if it was legal and there was nothing at stake like indefinite suspension or stigma from peers? Maybe I would have fallen too.

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No disrespect to the LGBTQ community but I’m glad I didn’t succumb to my urges. I love the way I feel around men especially that special someone even though sometimes he freaks out and screams at my face “YOU MOTHERFUCKING LESBIAN!!” And what did I do to warrant that? I only squeezed his butt and sometimes tapped his ass while we were making out. He hates it, but I keep doing it lol. Why do men freak out when you touch their butt though😝?

LGBTQ lesbian — No disrespect to the LGBTQ community (source-The Conversation)

Did I like my boarding school experience? YES! Asides from the urges. Will my kids attend a boarding school? NO! WHETHER MIXED OR SINGLE! This is because I do not want to be a contributing party to something or a situation that has the tendency to alter their lives in a way that could be bad or good. You can never know what the outcome will be so it is best to avoid gambling. I NEED MY KIDS CLOSE.

This Story Was Originally Posted on Naked Minds, Click here to Join

Don’t get me wrong, boarding schools are great but I think a lot of parents undermine its purpose. The majority of parents send their children to boarding schools to redeem them of their moral loss or to help manage time. If you are bad at parenting, fix it within your home, do not burden a boarding school with your primary responsibilities.

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Only parents who are sure of their kids and have achieved a decent level of training and communication should send their kids to boarding school (even if I am, I still won’t lol😊). Otherwise, you might end up crying over spilled milk.

Were you ever at crossroads in deciding your sexuality? Has your sexuality been tested before? Maybe in a similar or entirely different situation from mine? Also, what are your views about boarding schools? Let’s talk! This should be enlightening, Kindly leave your comments below.😃👇👇

P.s. My comment plugin has developed a fault that is currently being worked on. The implication is that the only notification you will get in your mail is an approval note of your comments unlike the usual where you get a notification for my responses to your comment also. Regardless once you receive an approval email, be rest assured I have equally replied to your comment. So you can get back here to keep the conversation flow. Thank you

I am Muttering

The Beauty of ONE; The Burden of Something New

By muttering minds September 24, 2020

9 min read

Today clocks one year of paranoia, seasonal depression, and frustration, cooperate and aggressive begging, low figure phobia, eluding story thirst, maintaining genuine and sour friendships (dependency syndrome), JOY and THANKS; all caught up in the birthing of the exceptional and interesting contents that make up this community; Muttering Minds🤗.

Hurrayyyyy!!!! 💃💃💃join me in cracking a smile at this point😅, Muttering Minds is a year today, and never have I been more drawn to a date like today. I am not big on birthdays but I feel strongly to eulogize this one because the process has touched (still does) so many facets of my life and invoked characters I never knew I was capable of hosting🤭. Kindly grab your popcorn as I’ll be entertaining you with the many highs and lows I’ve encountered for the past one year running Muttering Minds😃. Well, let’s pretend we got popcorn lol😜.

THE BIRTHING🧘‍♀️

I am a free thinker and an imaginary traveler who is less concerned about what you ate last night or what news is getting the media berserk (except its mysterious🧟‍♀️) but instead, I am seduced by the things we are taught not to question especially spiritually👣. I love to know the unsaid stuff in people’s mind; I love to know what they do when no eye is preying, why they behave in a certain way, how they are feeling no matter how gory. And for every day that I’ve lived on this earth, my curiosity rather than killing my inner cat gives it more lives than nine. I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought in my direction, so one day I said to myself, “Why not create a channel of like minds”… and ding! ding! Muttering Minds was created; not out of dust, but from my uncanny psyche and desire💨.

Muttering Minds is One — Muttering Minds Official Logo

COOPERATE AND AGGRESSIVE BEGGING😒👺

How do you channel a good idea successfully to people who are unsure about their interest yet their collective efforts can go a long way in hitting the bullseye for you😖? I had to master the fine art of ‘begging’, be it cooperate or aggressive; depending on whose mercy I’m at😰🥵.

There’s a thin line between blogging and begging. While it’s excusable for beggars not to know how to blog, it’s an eyesore for bloggers not to be equipped with begging skills (take this seriously even though you are not a blogger😊). I am a proud individual…oops sorry, I take that back🤐. I used to be too proud until Muttering Minds came. The truth is, people will act like they are not seeing you until you come to them directly. “Oooh please😟😟 go and read my story nowwww🤯”…” ah have you read my story today🥶?”…”ooooohhh do it now now please, make sure you leave a comment🤢.” I cannot emphasize how much I have to reiterate these words daily to different individuals and like the Parable of the Sower in the bible, my pleas could fall on rocky ears💀, ears decorated with thorns😈, or a good ear😇.

Dog begging — There’s a thin line between blogging and begging.

GENUINE AND SOUR FRIENDSHIP (DEPENDENCY SYNDROME😣)

No matter how crooked they are, I quickly realized everyone around me has a role to play in pushing the envelope🤝, that’s why It’s become hard for me to spit some friendship out🤧. I need friends, good or sour, because the truth is, the good ones will not always be there to support my cause, and the sour ones are very good fall back plans🤗. If you are a creative or an entrepreneur, you can attest to the fact that friends are always the first fans. Taking my baby steps with Muttering Minds, I needed friends to always comment and share (still do🤪), I would practically disturb their peace through BC’s and direct messages and sometimes phone calls to be sure they read and comment😪.

Read: Friendship is a Ruse

“See Doris, I won’t always be there to like or comment, just keep pushing, you don’t have to depend on me always🤨”. I won’t lie, I felt so pained and hurt the day Taiwo one of my closest said this to me. I thought she’ll always have my back but then it is what it is😒. I understood her enough and there a question dawned on me; “Do my friends like Muttering Minds or they just follow for my sake🤔?” I am still unsure about the answer but I want to believe I have given them something worthy of their support😎.

So far, my friends have been good to me even more than I have been to them💆‍♀️. Tempted to do some name-callings but I’ll pass for the fear of forgetting some👩‍🦯👩‍🦯. And the sour friendships too, some have even metamorphosed into genuine ones.

Dear Friends and Sour, I am still suffering from dependency syndrome, but I hope you all can bear with me some more until I can walk without staggering (I’ll still need you always😉). I love you all💖💖. But wait a sec! Do you love Muttering Minds or you’re just pretending?🤒

PARANOIA/ SEASONAL DEPRESSION AND FRUSTRATION😔🤯

I’ll be a liar if I tell you I sleep well on most nights. I’m not one of those blessed with the ability to sleep immediately and not wake at a little sound. I work late nights and the little hours are usually interrupted by a disturbing thought about Muttering Minds🥴 especially on the eve of posting a story. “Will they like it🥶?” “Will anyone find it offensive🤧?” “Will they learn😨?” “Will they laugh😣?”… most imperatively, “Will they be moved enough to give their likes and comment offerings😢?” I get so nervous and sabotage my worth even further.

As soon as I click ‘Publish’, my heartbeat starts moving faster than two competitors in a car race😤. Sometimes the turn out picks up really fast, other times it feels like I’m nursing the Adam’s curse where I have to sweat until I see results🥵🥵. “ooooh only one person has commented on my story😱!!! Gosh! Is it that bad😭😭? You told me it was interesting! You lied🙄?”…here’s me hassling my better half Aji and my friend Bubu who both often painstakingly read my stories before I publish. “Stop tripping! Only one comment yet!😑” That’s what Aji would say while Bubu laughs at me without reservation🤨 and afterward tells me to calm down. Sometimes their reactions make me feel better, other times more depressed until the results show up.

After I’ve managed to achieve a smooth sail with everyone commending the content, the server starts to act up. “Ah Uju, your site is showing “Error in Database Connection o”…there I go, frustration 101. “Isaaaaaaccccc🤯🤯🤯… please check the site, it’s not opening🥺”. I swear my web guy would have sold me if he found a good buyer, I am a pain in his ass but it’s not my fault. And one awkward thing that usually happens is when he checks it, it opens immediately. What Witchcraft😐! Shout out to Isaac🤩, for tolerating my excesses, and the job well done always, you should hire him too.

THE STORIES; ELUDING STORY THIRST; LOW FIGURE PHOBIA😱

I get my story ideas mainly from conversing with people, not necessarily a good conversation. A good story needs a good title and visual to see it through. Sourcing pictures can be hard work, sometimes you search everywhere on Google still the picture you have in your head is nowhere close🧐. And the headlines too, I hate when it’s basic or predictable, I will rather not post the story if my head keeps coming up with gibberish titles. It sucks🤮!

What Phobia Is the Fear of Numbers? — Source- Verywell Mind

I fear low figures😤, I remember when I started, I had a disturbing obsession for traffic that I would post three stories daily. Like😂!!! I then cut down to one daily then four per week, three, and now one! Nothing has taught me more that quality beats quantity than having to test the waters myself😅. Now it’s a SOLID ONE 💪per week and everyone loves it (I think🙃). Or how many would you prefer weekly?

I doubt I can ever get over low figure phobia, I still catch myself gulping saliva whenever I’m checking my backend because I’m usually scared the numbers might break my heart😔. There was a time 100 clicks used to be a big deal to me, and then it graduated to 500 clicks per story😄. However now, I give myself a target of at least 3k clicks per story😅. Thanks to Twitter, the retweet groups, and my fraudulent act of spamming, I get to surpass my target. Please reserve some forgiveness for me in advance incase I spam your tweets in the future😂😂. I promise this too shall pass. In this new year, at least 5K clicks finna be my target😌.

A credit alert or a new story alert (mail)? I am unsure which makes me happier🤔. I feel so elated and honored whenever someone finds me worthy to tell their story or feature it😁. To all of you who have contributed so far to MUTTERERS CLUB, my words are not enough to appreciate you, still, I am grateful🙌🙌. I will forever enjoy rubbing minds with each one of you to channel magic from your stories💦💦.

P.s. bear in mind that every story you find under Mutterers Club is not mine (although edited by me🤓). You will also find some features under ‘Ask The MUTTERERS’ or ‘Movie Reviews’. The names of the writers are usually in the title area. That’s how someone sent me a DM on Twitter asking if I am bald😒. No please🤨, that’s not my story. If you need to share a story for a possible feature, CLICK HERE.

writers — Do not hesitate to send me your stories.

JOY! JOY! JOY! 😄And THANKS💃!

My joy is so tied to Muttering Minds and I don’t know if it’s a bad thing but this is where my heart is🧖‍♀️. Just like a mother feels when her child is sick, that’s how I feel every iota of emotion for this🧎‍♀️.

There have been some memorable joyful moments especially recently and I know it will keep getting better😆. Thank you all for making the burden light😄. Thank you all for igniting your minds to always connect with the stories; it’s priceless❣❣. I enjoy every time here, I hope you do also. Keep the mutterings coming on a high spirit as always💥💥.

I CAME BEARING A GIFT🎁

Oh yes🙊, but this one comes with a price😌. So I was thinking of a proper way to celebrate without cakes and candles since I’ve got no money for a jamboree (soon I promise you💋), so I thought to add value to someone’s life for a token. On this note, my writing agency @HIRE_A_WRITER_ decided to let CV’s and Cover Letters go for two thousand naira each (N2,000/ $5)😄. This offer will last from today September 24th, up until September 30th (one week👌). If you need to write your CV or Cover letter, please contact the number on the flyer below. Help me share with your circle also; you never know who needs it. I assure you a quality result💯💯.

I NEED TO CHIP THESE IN TOO💁‍♀️🙋‍♀️…

It’s a taboo if you aren’t a member of my inner caucus “Naked Minds”🙄… drive stubbornness away by clicking HERE to subscribe🤕. Follow Muttering Minds on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Affordable advertising plans are also available to small and big businesses, send a mail to mutteringminds@gmail.com if interested🙏.

Oops! I guess you have finished your imaginary popcorn already, lol😂😂. For some reason, I saw the need to share what goes on ‘behind the scenes’ of the gripping stories you read here😄. Perhaps someone might be inspired🧘‍♀️.

The beauty of starting — Say something Niceeeee

Today is a special day for me, and I’ll appreciate you wishing me well and gush about Muttering Minds😆😆. Remember not commenting is equivalent to fraud😕. If you’ll love to suggest something that can help improve the growth of Muttering Minds too, feel free🙋‍♀️. If this is your first time here, you are welcome🙊, I’ll love to meet you in the comment section too🙈. Yes, I am begging! Please leave me a comment😿.

Once again, cheers to a gigantic ONE🍻, I hope to run the race forever with you all by my side💋❣.

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I am Muttering

Social Hiccups; The Flip-side of Mastering ‘Avoidance’

By muttering minds September 16, 2020

8 min read

I was numb, clueless, I stared at my computer for a while, not remembering one thing she taught me a few seconds ago🥴. How do you teach someone something so casually and expect them to pick the baton effortlessly?🤒 Or maybe it’s not rocket science, every educated adult ought to be familiar with this, should be a shame she’s teaching me😪. Here I was, still staring keenly at the computer, questioning my cluelessness yet also trying to maintain a pose like I knew what I was doing. I played with the mouse for a while and the keyboard too, beating the letters like one of those secretaries I admire in the movies, only that no boss could break the shame by requesting for a cup of coffee at the moment🥺.

social hiccups — I was numb, Clueless… (photo source- Business Insider)

“You know what, fuck it!”, I murmured under my breath🤨. “Rita please could you help me out with this again, I actually don’t know how to do it🥴”. I asked with a shy tone coated in shame. Rita gave me a busy and subtle nasty look yet tried to cover up by acting like it’s nothing to not know. But I can swear that deep down her mind, she screamed “OLODO! OLODO! WHY SO DUMB?!” 🧐🧐

I grew up late, not age-wise but exposure. Most of the things I saw my age mates do, I couldn’t, and rather than try whenever I found an opportunity, I always avoided it for fear of not embarrassing myself.

social life — I grew up late, not age-wise but exposure. (Source- Quiet Revolution)

COMPUTERS

Growing up, computers topped the pyramid of the things I avoided like a plague😵. My parents are not tech-savvy people, they enjoy their simple life and only believe in providing a child with what they need. By need, I mean food, clothes, school. And these three come with no side attraction☹. For food, it’s the normal food you know, clothes, nothing extra, and tuition fees had no excursions or luxury classes included. “God When” was the most popular phrase that dominated my mind as a teenager…nah, it wasn’t me wishing for a relationship, but when I’ll finally stop getting scared of computers🤢. An icing to my fears was that everyone around me thought I knew these things because I was book smart so this made it worse that whenever an opportunity came, I got scared and would usually pull away rather than reveal a side to my unseen foolishness😒.

Read: 5 Tech Phobias You Never Knew Existed

This was the order of my growth up until the university stage, and even after until it got to a point I couldn’t run anymore; at this point, I was already quite familiar with Microsoft Office, and locating the media software of a computer, nothing more. My worst nightmare became real when I got a job as a writer for a firm and was assigned my own computer. How people expect you to know how to use things when they haven’t seen you do so remains a mystery😟. Everyone seemed too busy to care if I knew how to use Google Docs or WordPress, and then newbies like Slack, Workable, Trello, Betrix24, which I had never heard of in my life. Christ! I was a mess. How do I confess my ignorance? 😭😭

“Oooh Doris😡😡!! I’m not sure you are fit for this job, since you got here we haven’t reached our goal😡” My line-manager made it hell for me with her unkind words. Imagine giving me a target of reporting at least six stories daily and all I could deliver was one and a half😶. Tragic. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to write but I couldn’t multitask the browser and Microsoft app on a computer. So what I did was to browse with my phone, write on my jotter before typing with the system🥵🥵.

Read: When You No Longer Work There

How I conquered my phobia for computers was that after depriving my eyes of plenty of tears every morning😭😭, I usually put a call across to my friend to help me every time at work. As time went on, I also mastered the art of watching; once a colleague started explaining something to me, I gave unreserved attention. At some point too, I realized there was actually no big deal in saying these; “I don’t know”, “Can you explain again?”, even for the umpteenth time. I became better at the job and started to report about eight stories daily. Now I can proudly say that I am good with the computer and also numerous software. 😄

PUBLIC SPEAKING

I hate the fact that workplaces are fastly taking a cue from the school system😑. As an adult, I believe I reserve the right to take up a course on my own will and most importantly talk at my will too. But No! This is not the case for workplaces at least not anymore😬. Growing up, I hated public speaking even down to the barest minimum of reading a note aloud to five people🙃. I feigned a terrible illness at the time I was supposed to defend my project for my BS.c degree, that’s how bad I hate public speaking🙄.

Read: A Quagmire is Safer with Friends Inside

Now, the workplace makes it even more infuriating because I cannot run unless I want to starve. Nothing pisses me off in a workplace (asides from owing salaries🤧) than knowing that I have been assigned a course to learn on Coursera or Udemy and worst off present it in front of my colleagues. Yuck! Jeez!🤮🤮 Can the world end already?!

And whilst I’m talking and my colleagues keep staring at me like geckos😏…what disrespect! The last time I checked I was employed as a writer, not a speaker😔.

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Not sure I can conquer this side of me no matter the clever tips I read on google🤒, I still stutter, murder tautology a thousand times, and worse off doesn’t even make sense to me, let alone the others😴😴. It’s as though my head spins on a merry go round the moment I am assigned to speak. (Yes! I am that writer who speaks like an illiterate especially in public👩‍🦯👩‍🦯).

HANGING OUT, DATES ( EXCLUSIVE FORK AND KNIFE AFFAIR)

Pushing me out to dance in parties as a kid did some psychological damage that defiled my morale for attending social gatherings as an adult😔. I am a bad dancer but African brethren don’t get this truth (coconut heads🙄). I hated going to birthday parties because all the times I went, there was always a group of aunties forcing me to dance against my will☹. In the end, I come last. Pathetic. Now I hate going out because it still feels my outings have been jinxed; always a sour memory, if not from the road/bus passengers, then its the location and the events that unfold😨.

Read: Why I Hate Mutual Friends

You see escalators, whoever invented those hated me even before meeting me personally🙁. I never want to find myself having to use it; stairs all the way. My most horrid memory about it was when I went on a movie date with my ex (after much postponing😓). “Omon please let’s use the stairs, I’m scared of this shit,” I communicated my fears but he felt he got things in control (as per knight in shining armor🙄). Going up was successful, we had a nice time at the movies but coming down with the escalator was a failed gravity. My precious Zara sandals which I wore to impress suddenly got hooked somewhere at the edge😱😱, yet the escalator kept rolling as though about to devour my foot😭😭.

Read: How we have Become Familiar Strangers to each Other

“Chai! Sorry o” “Ah fine girl, what happened now”…typical Nigerians and their love for throwing sympathies yet laughing😦. Everyone had something to say that day as they passed, meanwhile, my ex was trying so hard to hold his laughter and also making sure I didn’t lose my mind. The engineer finally came after 600 years of calling for help😭😭. He managed to get my foot off my sandals first and then unhooked my sandals with some tools. It was embarrassing😵. What made me a bit cool was him saying that I wasn’t the first and a lot of sandals and flip-flops were currently stuck inside it. Our date was ruined, to hell with this social life! 😔 all I wanted was to vanish from the mall to hell with the chicken and chips I was promised, mama’s taste better anyway☹☹.

The incident made me renew my vows about not going out again😴. I still miss my innocent Zara sandals who got bruised for my sake and couldn’t walk the roads again😓😓. RIP footie, your death taught me never to dress to impress.😬

“Ah, we should hang out sometime”… “My friends are throwing a party, I’ll love you to attend”. Excuse you! Why me?🙁 Please leave me alone! Aside from the few yet memorable bad luck I’ve encountered while hanging out, I get very jittery, more like I develop anxiety disorder whenever someone says we should hang out😖. For instance, if the date is two weeks away, I begin to over reason the event, people I’m likely to meet, will anyone be talking to me when I don’t want to?🤔 Will I be able to crack my chicken bones?🤭 Ding! Dong! What on earth am I going to wear!? 🤯🤯 Thinking over and over gives me a headache and before you say jack, I’ve researched a perfect suitable lie to ensure we don’t see.🤪

Now the flip-side is, to get more connections (networking🤝), you need to hang out more, so what do I do with my life? I resolved that I’ll start going out often but the red lines in my bank account are solely responsible for this defiance.😌

Read: Detty December! If You Must Come Along…

And then the fear of not knowing how to eat with a fork and knife… Whoop! Whoop! Perhaps we should leave this part for a future publication😂😂. I’ll keep admiring people who go out on dinner dates. Bold strokes. Let it remain wishful thinking for me, I don’t mind🤗.

The things I’ve avoided growing up are things I ended up needing to sharpen my adulthood. It feels good opening up about these pertinent three and even feels better knowing that learning has been so feasible and somewhat enjoyable😃.

date night — I’ll keep admiring people who go out on dinner dates. Bold strokes.

How about you? Did you hit a stumbling block growing up? 🤔 Or maybe still battling some social glitches, huh? Do you feel your social life is moving at a snail speed like mine? I want to learn about those embarrassing times (social hiccups🤭) in your life and possibly how you overcame them too. And if you got nothing on you, a reaction to my own experience will be great. Leave me a comment pleaseeeee.🙋‍♀️👇👇