Banana Marketing, My Almost Obsession and…

I’ll lose myself, yet it’s still me. A moment where I feel as free as a kite and in that happiness of freedom, I hope that the controller, ‘my mind’, whose hands hold my life at the moment doesn’t give me up completely, even though I feel it staggering. Whenever I’m in this moment, I either dance like a lunatic, I feel my soul in my mouth in a way that makes me appreciate the mad men on the streets; the real heroes who defy the punishment Eve gifted mankind and walk around naked.  Freedom no constitution can cripple! 😎

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It’s alcohol! This is how I feel whenever I take ‘excessive’ shots. I’m not a minimalist when it comes to alcohol, I’m either not riding or I ride like Dominic Toretto when Fast and Furious. I scarcely ever drink but when I do, the truth side of my mind hints to me…“But you know you’ve got the tendencies of an alcoholic right🙄?” An ugly statement, yet I cannot debate it. The only debate I have with my mind is when people say alcohol is bitter as fuck and peer pressure is what makes people drink. Excuse you?!🙄 We can all agree on the bitter but to hell with peers, I drink to free my mind💆‍♀️.

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Sometimes my mind is a camel carrying too much burden, woe betides it passes the eyes of a needle😪. It’s that heavy, I wanna sink into oblivion and bury my thoughts on the things that should matter. Even though some folks say “So what next? Doesn’t the load press on after the alcohol fades?”, well it does no doubt but I am grateful for that little time I didn’t have to think about it, instead I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU😬, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her. This happened the last time I took alcohol, she knew I was drunk but most importantly knew I meant all of those words👭. Truthfully, If I hadn’t taken those shots, I wouldn’t have done that, or at least not in that manner.

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Unfortunately, this new year 2021, alcohol made it on my ‘TO STOP LIST’. What a detestable achievement for the inventors🤧. My doctor said I should stop drinking because I have a bad ulcer but frankly how do you tell someone to stop something without providing an alternative🤷‍♀️? It’s the reason why I don’t try to change people👩‍🦯. And then my baby with the “Promise me you’ll stop drinking” line… huh🙄?  “But baby, am I an alcoholic😒?”… “You’re not but…” hmmm be rest assured whatever words follow after ‘but’ will break your heart🧐.

It will be hard, really hard not to sip some shots once in a while but I’ll try especially because I intend to live long🙉. Do you know a remedy that can cure my almost obsession with alcohol? Don’t suggest to me therapy please, except you want the poor therapist to take in more than she can swallow🤷‍♀️.

THE ONLY BITCH I HATE😡

How ironic, the only thing I wanted to be STOPPED or fair enough STOP SEEING made it to 2021😩. What was God thinking when he created cockroaches😩? I feel offended he even blessed them with brown skin, speed, and the most oppressing of all, the gift of flight😖. I’m afraid the only phobia I wouldn’t get over no matter my age is my fear for cockroaches. It’s so bad that the moment I spot one in my room, I’m not sleeping there except I see evidence of its dead body😩. Thanks to my sister, who always came through with a broom or slippers to wipe their crazy guts to death🙁. Dear sister, the only reason I cried at your wedding was that I knew it was an automatic warrant for these bitches to torment me🥺.

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Imagine running away from my room in the middle of the night to the parlor only to meet the same nightmare there😩, or I wake up in the morning and see a dead roach on the floor…”Whattt!!!!😱 Who killed you? 😱Definitely not me!!😰 Did you fuking crawl on my body before you arrived dead😩? Please wake up and tell me NOOOO then you can die again😩😩” A back-breaking puzzle I wish I could solve. The one time I asked my mum, she said it’s old age, that really old roaches die if they fall from flying. I don’t know if this is true and I have refused to Google it because I have chosen it as my truth, ain’t no Google breaking my heart with bad news🙁.

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Imagine making a video call and a cockroach flies on your body😔? Ooh damn😰!! That was so embarrassing for me, thank God I wasn’t talking to my crush otherwise wahala o🥴. And to think that some coconut heads blush when they’re told “Baby you are the only cockroach in my cupboard”…ewwwwwww🤮🤮… of all the lines mehn!. Overcoming my phobia of cockroaches is the only therapy I need💆‍♀️.

WASTING A PRAYER POINT SLOT

During new year’s eve, my friend posted “God will not allow me to procrastinate in this new year, I’ll chase my dreams”. Hmmmmm about this🤥, I used to have similar prayer point in previous new years until I realized I was only wasting a prayer point slot🤭. Procrastination and motivation come hand in hand for me, if I’m not motivated, there’s no way in heaven I am doing that task😑. It’s evident especially in my craft when I forcefully write a story because of a deadline, I don’t feel me in it and the reception from the audience says the same, they try so hard to find me in it😒. For me, I wouldn’t say I procrastinate, I just have zero motivation sometimes🤭. The moment I realized this was it, I began to pray to God for a motivating spirit instead and he sure does bless me with it but my shameless self spends most of the energy fornicating various social media apps🤣🤣. Indeed a wasted prayer slot and I cannot promise to do better this year🤣🤣.

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BANANA MARKETING

Towards the end of last year, I noticed my mum buying bananas every other day despite not being a fan🤭. Well, what’s my business, the only business I had was strolling into her shop almost every evening to take some. I actually thought it was a loving gesture towards her husband, my dad, who I’m sure in his former life was a monkey because his obsession for bananas is really obsessive🤣🤣. 

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“Uju ooo, this banana woman won’t let me rest o… everyday na so so “Madam you must buy banana” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I laughed so hard. She added that she was doing it out of pity too as it was the woman’s only source of income. Hmmmmm… one day, my mum went out and asked me to be the guardian angel of her shop for the day, and guess who showed up? BANANA WOMAN😁. I pretended like I hadn’t heard her gist and asked if she wanted to buy something. “No o…your mama dey?” she inquired. I told her she wasn’t. “Sisi you no go buy banana?” There we go again🤣. I told her I had no money on me and I couldn’t take my mum’s. “No o, I no be stranger now, collect am buy, even your mama go chop out of am when she return”. In my mind, I was already rolling on the floor due to excessive laughter🤣🤣, but tried so hard not to let it out. “If you no buy my banana I go quarrel with you o sisi” Ah😳! Now this is serious 🤣🤣🤣. To cut the story, I asked her how much a bunch cost and I paid. As soon as she left, I burst into laughter, such as guts!

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Wonder why I’m telling you about this banana seller?  Witnessing her display of ‘not accepting No’ spirit and aggressive marketing is a privilege for me as she really inspired me😅. I’m going all out this year with marketing this blog to everyone even those who care not to listen🙃. You either read or READ or I quarrell with you😑😑😑. Tell you what, after my encounter with her, I was spamming on Twitter and someone replied to one of my tweets saying “ODE” in caps. Normally, that’s enough to ruin my mood as in the past I’ll delete that tweet and possibly block the favoured fool🙄. But this time around, I laughed so hard and said to myself “Better be prepared to call me more names”🤣🤣🤣. The most ironic thing about spamming on Twitter is that the owners of the tweet never complain, it’s some lunatic on a rampage who chooses to carry a cross that’s not theirs🙄. Bottom line, I’ll be more intentional, thanks to the special banana seller, I’ve been waiting for her to come collect her Christmas gift, seems like she hasn’t resumed the hustle😅. You all better join me in inculcating the BANANA MARKETING module for your hustle🤭. 

ANOTHER SET OF HEROES

To the ones who always put huge stones or tree trunks on my flooded street whenever it rains so that passersby like me can walk on them rather than water🥺, thank you so much🥲. You are the reason I’m motivated to go out even though it’s rained cats and dogs💦. It’s a very good gesture and I hope you keep at it this year 2021 and most importantly I hope to replicate the act too😅. 

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I’ve held many strange hands while crossing the busy roads of Lagos. I’m terrified of highways but these individuals lend me their hand and we cross together😙. Not sure I say thank you enough😔. Even the ones who can smell my fear without me having to say and then they let me stay by their side and signal when it’s time to cross, thank you😅. If you do any of these for pedestrians, please do not stop, you are the reason why many people like me still have their lives intact🙏.

YOU MAN! YOU LADY!❣

Hey man! Hey lady!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 😁 It’s a privilege to have your eyes and mind read about the things I want to see and do more this year (2021), the only bitch I hate and my almost obsession with alcohol 🤭. Thank you! I’m sure you have yours too, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s gonna be different for you this year😅, the things you appreciate and any other you’ll like to share. If you don’t share any at all with me, I’ll quarrel with you🙄 *in banana sellers voice*… and if you are against the ‘new year, new rules’ format, I’ll like to know why too. Common, leave me a comment below😁👇👇.

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