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I am Muttering

Banana Marketing, My Almost Obsession and…

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8 min read

I’ll lose myself, yet it’s still me. A moment where I feel as free as a kite and in that happiness of freedom, I hope that the controller, ‘my mind’, whose hands hold my life at the moment doesn’t give me up completely, even though I feel it staggering. Whenever I’m in this moment, I either dance like a lunatic, I feel my soul in my mouth in a way that makes me appreciate the mad men on the streets; the real heroes who defy the punishment Eve gifted mankind and walk around naked.  Freedom no constitution can cripple! 😎

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It’s alcohol! This is how I feel whenever I take ‘excessive’ shots. I’m not a minimalist when it comes to alcohol, I’m either not riding or I ride like Dominic Toretto when Fast and Furious. I scarcely ever drink but when I do, the truth side of my mind hints to me…“But you know you’ve got the tendencies of an alcoholic right🙄?” An ugly statement, yet I cannot debate it. The only debate I have with my mind is when people say alcohol is bitter as fuck and peer pressure is what makes people drink. Excuse you?!🙄 We can all agree on the bitter but to hell with peers, I drink to free my mind💆‍♀️.

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banana marketing
Source- Clipart Library

Sometimes my mind is a camel carrying too much burden, woe betides it passes the eyes of a needle😪. It’s that heavy, I wanna sink into oblivion and bury my thoughts on the things that should matter. Even though some folks say “So what next? Doesn’t the load press on after the alcohol fades?”, well it does no doubt but I am grateful for that little time I didn’t have to think about it, instead I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU😬, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her. This happened the last time I took alcohol, she knew I was drunk but most importantly knew I meant all of those words👭. Truthfully, If I hadn’t taken those shots, I wouldn’t have done that, or at least not in that manner.

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Unfortunately, this new year 2021, alcohol made it on my ‘TO STOP LIST’. What a detestable achievement for the inventors🤧. My doctor said I should stop drinking because I have a bad ulcer but frankly how do you tell someone to stop something without providing an alternative🤷‍♀️? It’s the reason why I don’t try to change people👩‍🦯. And then my baby with the “Promise me you’ll stop drinking” line… huh🙄?  “But baby, am I an alcoholic😒?”… “You’re not but…” hmmm be rest assured whatever words follow after ‘but’ will break your heart🧐.

banana marketing

It will be hard, really hard not to sip some shots once in a while but I’ll try especially because I intend to live long🙉. Do you know a remedy that can cure my almost obsession with alcohol? Don’t suggest to me therapy please, except you want the poor therapist to take in more than she can swallow🤷‍♀️.

 

THE ONLY BITCH I HATE😡

How ironic, the only thing I wanted to be STOPPED or fair enough STOP SEEING made it to 2021😩. What was God thinking when he created cockroaches😩? I feel offended he even blessed them with brown skin, speed, and the most oppressing of all, the gift of flight😖. I’m afraid the only phobia I wouldn’t get over no matter my age is my fear for cockroaches. It’s so bad that the moment I spot one in my room, I’m not sleeping there except I see evidence of its dead body😩. Thanks to my sister, who always came through with a broom or slippers to wipe their crazy guts to death🙁. Dear sister, the only reason I cried at your wedding was that I knew it was an automatic warrant for these bitches to torment me🥺.

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banana marketing
Source- Meme Controller

Imagine running away from my room in the middle of the night to the parlor only to meet the same nightmare there😩, or I wake up in the morning and see a dead roach on the floor…”Whattt!!!!😱 Who killed you? 😱Definitely not me!!😰 Did you fuking crawl on my body before you arrived dead😩? Please wake up and tell me NOOOO then you can die again😩😩” A back-breaking puzzle I wish I could solve. The one time I asked my mum, she said it’s old age, that really old roaches die if they fall from flying. I don’t know if this is true and I have refused to Google it because I have chosen it as my truth, ain’t no Google breaking my heart with bad news🙁.

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Imagine making a video call and a cockroach flies on your body😔? Ooh damn😰!! That was so embarrassing for me, thank God I wasn’t talking to my crush otherwise wahala o🥴. And to think that some coconut heads blush when they’re told “Baby you are the only cockroach in my cupboard”…ewwwwwww🤮🤮… of all the lines mehn!. Overcoming my phobia of cockroaches is the only therapy I need💆‍♀️.

banana marketing cockroach meme
Source- Pintrest

WASTING A PRAYER POINT SLOT

During new year’s eve, my friend posted “God will not allow me to procrastinate in this new year, I’ll chase my dreams”. Hmmmmm about this🤥, I used to have similar prayer point in previous new years until I realized I was only wasting a prayer point slot🤭. Procrastination and motivation come hand in hand for me, if I’m not motivated, there’s no way in heaven I am doing that task😑. It’s evident especially in my craft when I forcefully write a story because of a deadline, I don’t feel me in it and the reception from the audience says the same, they try so hard to find me in it😒. For me, I wouldn’t say I procrastinate, I just have zero motivation sometimes🤭. The moment I realized this was it, I began to pray to God for a motivating spirit instead and he sure does bless me with it but my shameless self spends most of the energy fornicating various social media apps🤣🤣. Indeed a wasted prayer slot and I cannot promise to do better this year🤣🤣.

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procrastination banana marketing
Source- Youtube

BANANA MARKETING

Towards the end of last year, I noticed my mum buying bananas every other day despite not being a fan🤭. Well, what’s my business, the only business I had was strolling into her shop almost every evening to take some. I actually thought it was a loving gesture towards her husband, my dad, who I’m sure in his former life was a monkey because his obsession for bananas is really obsessive🤣🤣. 

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“Uju ooo, this banana woman won’t let me rest o… everyday na so so “Madam you must buy banana” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I laughed so hard. She added that she was doing it out of pity too as it was the woman’s only source of income. Hmmmmm… one day, my mum went out and asked me to be the guardian angel of her shop for the day, and guess who showed up? BANANA WOMAN😁. I pretended like I hadn’t heard her gist and asked if she wanted to buy something. “No o…your mama dey?” she inquired. I told her she wasn’t. “Sisi you no go buy banana?” There we go again🤣. I told her I had no money on me and I couldn’t take my mum’s. “No o, I no be stranger now, collect am buy, even your mama go chop out of am when she return”. In my mind, I was already rolling on the floor due to excessive laughter🤣🤣, but tried so hard not to let it out. “If you no buy my banana I go quarrel with you o sisi” Ah😳! Now this is serious 🤣🤣🤣. To cut the story, I asked her how much a bunch cost and I paid. As soon as she left, I burst into laughter, such as guts!

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banana marketing
Source- Twitter

Wonder why I’m telling you about this banana seller?  Witnessing her display of ‘not accepting No’ spirit and aggressive marketing is a privilege for me as she really inspired me😅. I’m going all out this year with marketing this blog to everyone even those who care not to listen🙃. You either read or READ or I quarrell with you😑😑😑. Tell you what, after my encounter with her, I was spamming on Twitter and someone replied to one of my tweets saying “ODE” in caps. Normally, that’s enough to ruin my mood as in the past I’ll delete that tweet and possibly block the favoured fool🙄. But this time around, I laughed so hard and said to myself “Better be prepared to call me more names”🤣🤣🤣. The most ironic thing about spamming on Twitter is that the owners of the tweet never complain, it’s some lunatic on a rampage who chooses to carry a cross that’s not theirs🙄. Bottom line, I’ll be more intentional, thanks to the special banana seller, I’ve been waiting for her to come collect her Christmas gift, seems like she hasn’t resumed the hustle😅. You all better join me in inculcating the BANANA MARKETING module for your hustle🤭. 

 

ANOTHER SET OF HEROES

To the ones who always put huge stones or tree trunks on my flooded street whenever it rains so that passersby like me can walk on them rather than water🥺, thank you so much🥲. You are the reason I’m motivated to go out even though it’s rained cats and dogs💦. It’s a very good gesture and I hope you keep at it this year 2021 and most importantly I hope to replicate the act too😅. 

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floods banana marketing
Source- Economic Times

I’ve held many strange hands while crossing the busy roads of Lagos. I’m terrified of highways but these individuals lend me their hand and we cross together😙. Not sure I say thank you enough😔. Even the ones who can smell my fear without me having to say and then they let me stay by their side and signal when it’s time to cross, thank you😅. If you do any of these for pedestrians, please do not stop, you are the reason why many people like me still have their lives intact🙏.

 

YOU MAN! YOU LADY!❣

Hey man! Hey lady!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 😁 It’s a privilege to have your eyes and mind read about the things I want to see and do more this year (2021), the only bitch I hate and my almost obsession with alcohol 🤭. Thank you! I’m sure you have yours too, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s gonna be different for you this year😅, the things you appreciate and any other you’ll like to share. If you don’t share any at all with me, I’ll quarrel with you🙄 *in banana sellers voice*… and if you are against the ‘new year, new rules’ format, I’ll like to know why too. Common, leave me a comment below😁👇👇.

 

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Salty
Salty
19 days ago

😂😂😂😂😂😂 I commend you, you are creativie. In my wildest imagination, I never thought it would be a non-sensual post. The image and title😂😂😂😂 not a bait though but… I don’t know self I don’t focus on resolutions but now that I know of the banana marketing module, we shall see. Also about drinking, I feel so sorry on your behalf, how will you cope? I am not against alcohol, I feel one or two shots in a while helps to keep man in place (if you know🤗) . Happy new year and thank for th. I’m off to work… Read more »

Pretty Anon
Pretty Anon
19 days ago

Happy New Year mama
We share the same hatred for cockroaches

Synthian
Synthian
19 days ago

Happy new year. I believe so many of us have the thing for alcohol but also as an ulcer patient I tend to take it bit by bit and not dwell on it much. Like salty said one or two shot is definitely okay. You can start by reducing the amount you take. Bad habit doesn’t stop so quick so I believe it’s owing to be a gradual process. The banana marketing method hmmm I will look into that. Nice story

Ikenna Mgboji
Ikenna Mgboji
19 days ago

The paradox of Motivation and procrastination. Two extremes. As per the cockroaches, call me Al Pacino. Creative write up by our intelligible author. Kudos ma’m

Dante onwe
Dante onwe
19 days ago

Alcohol Alcohol lol I think every Igbo kindred has an Alcoholic in their family not just in Nollywood movies I hope You isn’t one oh 🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🤣. You know does drunk ones that are inspired by alcohol to be prophets? always staggering? Yep does ones I have like two in my kindred lol. Over the holidays I took my fiancee to see my Dad and my Dad tried falling my hand. Soon as we got there he was so cheerful the next he said was Uzor what will you have to drink? Omo pops and my fiance both know I am… Read more »

LadyTee
LadyTee
19 days ago

Just like you if I’m not motivated, I don’t get things done. So I just channel my prayer into being motivated. And since the beginning of this year, I thank God I’ve been able to keep doing what I’m supposed to do with diligence ni oo 🤣

Besides, I feel for you as regards drinking. I know you will survive sha 😂 maybe you just need “motivation” to stop 😋

Seyi Vandy
Seyi Vandy
19 days ago

“Who killed you? Definitely not me!!”🤣🤣 and you’re complaining looking a gift horse….
Seems like A Series of Unfortunate Events the parody version 😂

Clearnet
Clearnet
19 days ago

Spoiler alert… 😁😁😁

………

………..

……….

Its non sensual
😂🤣

Clearnet
Clearnet
19 days ago

Lmao yes you did.

Bubu
Bubu
19 days ago

Just Incase you missed this part or you’re wondering who’s Bubu? I’m she and she’s me 😎. “I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her” – Wahala for who no get friend to drunk-dial 🤪 Anyways I’ll recommend you start drinking mouthwash, it has small alcohol inside 😂😂. I legit love everything about this post, best way to kickoff muttering minds for the year, I love the banana seller marketing strategy, although it might seem annoying to some persons, but I’m glad it motivated… Read more »

Onyekachuwkwu
Onyekachuwkwu
19 days ago

I hoped to find sexually arousing content within the story, but as I continued reading, it dawned on me that pornhub was my best bet.

I love how the story spanned across different subjects, yet still possessing a strong sense of abstract uniformity. I felt as if I was having a conversation with a stranger, who desires to become an acquaintance and isn’t holding anything back.

Happy New Year, Muttering minds.

I wish the blog more friends, through peace or war, in the New year.

Miracle
Miracle
19 days ago

We share the same feeling about roaches. Lizards and geckos alongside roaches can go extinct already I swear I won’t miss them. May not even notice their absence.
I’m a returning visitor on the platform. My first time was the Holiday syndrome.
You are articulate and there’s something more about the way you write. Its unique. Keep up the good work.

PAIN
PAIN
19 days ago

I hardly take alcohol, because I have a pretty low tolerance for, it makes slow that I tend to slur my words and unduly horny, I’m not totally abstinent, in fact I like the occasional one or two shots. But I hate the feeling of being intoxicated. I hate the feeling of losing control over myself. And I hate this with others too. Any time I do manage to drink enough to start feeling inebriated, the sensation is so off-putting to me that I don’t have any desire to continue. Let’s just say, I like being calm, composed and controlled.… Read more »

windbreaker
windbreaker
19 days ago

Yeah about the procrastination aspect I think you get the point. I really have to be motivated even if it’s the littlest way😃, for the people helping you cross I think I have seen that first hand 🤣🤣, anyways 600roaches for you if you breach our agreement oooo😂😂

King
King
19 days ago

It’s a beautiful new year with so much expectations; I came into the new year with a knowing that demands so much improvements in my spiritual life and a total stop a desire (which I’m not ready to with you😜).

But …so help me God, amen.

Naomi
Naomi
19 days ago

I can relate to the crossing the road fear I hate crossing the roads big time something I think I want to avoid
Happy new year muttering minds community 💋❤ 🍻to a year of fantastic readn

Queenie
Queenie
19 days ago

I hate cockroaches too especially the foul smell I perceive when I kill one. I have alot of expectations this year but one thing i decided is that I’ll be intentional.And yes! I think I’ll adopt the banana marketing strategy especially to those friends who can never ask “How much you dey sell your market”. Thank you so much for this piece😊😊

Nuella
Nuella
19 days ago

Dear roaches hater, Well, not everyone loves the arachidonids (Hahahahaha) In as much as you’ve got a septic tank where nature’s business retire to, they’d always be around no matter how hard you try to dismiss them. So, deal with it dearie 😘 Kain kain (alcohol) 😂😂… Well, people have reasons they take it but whatever it is, it’s on them. Just do whatever suits you. That said, I used to think I was the only one who had phobias for crossing the road but voila, I got a partner! I hope I overcome this phobia real soon😪 What a… Read more »

Nkechi
Nkechi
18 days ago

Happy new year fam!!! I’m a friend to alcohol and I can relate to your struggle because I can’t imagine having to stop the intake of alcohol for health reasons I mean I’m not a drunk but the freedom of knowing I can reach for that guy anytime I need to is priceless abeg,I’m sorry for ya loss. I don’t really have new agendas for the year per say I just carried over all projects and things I was working on already last year into this one,till we smash those we don’t move onto another matter. Grateful for a new… Read more »

Father of Many Nations
Father of Many Nations
18 days ago

😂😂😂 the guts to aggressively sell the bananas tho😂😂😂 I know I would have laughed right in her presence.

Errrm, you see this alcohol matter, even me I am tired of myself. One minute I am making a resolution to stop it and the next minute, there’s a bottle of small stout in my hand🙈🙈🙈 but we mueeeve😁

Tai
Tai
18 days ago

Happy New Year lady that thinks like a man😏😏not surprised a fraction of people actually think that you are… Glad to know that this hustle still continues. I mean, everyday I wish to God for strength like yours… The last time I was gonna write a business proposal, I got so tensed and paced the room like my life depended on it. My boyfriend now FIANCÉ thought I was rehearsing my break up lines… he immediately staged a proposal and that was it… Boom! I’m about to be a MRS.. It’s been So hard since I quit my job last… Read more »

Tai
Tai
18 days ago

Ohhhh! Right… really, it’s our intentionality that matters.. you are very correct and thanks for clarifying💪🏾.
Thanks also for wishing me well… love you always💕💕

Tai
Tai
18 days ago

Meanwhile… how does spamming on twitter work? I just hear people say it.

As digitally savvy as I can boast to be… I’m sorry, I do not like to lie… I don’t know.

It will do me and plenty others a whole lot of good if you can explain. Thanks in advance😘

Tai
Tai
18 days ago

Oooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Onyii
Onyii
18 days ago

Maybe I should stop taking this PROCRASTINATION thing serious. Me that don’t know how to be on people’s neck, inculcating the Banana Woman’s module would be … ugghhh…
I pray 2021 turns out better for us than the previous year, well it is for me😊. Thank you mutteringminds

Flora
Flora
16 days ago

Happy New Year to you too, You really made an intriguing write-up here. I wish I can really put words together just as u. Keep the good work going 😘

Tifeprec
Tifeprec
9 days ago

Mehn, so you have to stop drinking. Male nobody even come tell me that one. I have to keep the family tradition going as we all like to drink 😂😂. You’ll get used to it but e no mean say make you no dey take am at all oo. Omo you’re not alone. Me sef hate roach. Luckily for me I don’t have to deal with them again 😊😊. How excited I am. I’m still procrastinating oo hopefully I get my shit together and be motivated to do right. The banana strategy isn’t such a bad idea. Nice write-up my… Read more »

Tifeprec
Tifeprec
9 days ago

Lol I moved and since I did over a year now, I haven’t had to deal with them. I did leave the roach to be dealt with by someone else in about two situations, apart from that I’ve been free from them

Tifeprec
Tifeprec
9 days ago

I guess you should 😂😂

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