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I am Muttering

Dear Mum, A Curious Conversation We’ll Never Have

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9 min read

Dear mum, do you sometimes feel like my social life is ruined because of the man you married? I see it in your eyes, whenever you talk about some specific kids my age, the opportunities they get, and how you wish one of your kids will at least catwalk in similar shoes. You want more, I see it but for the most part, you’re scared you would never get it. The entirety of your wanting more is for your kids and you’re too scared to admit that things could have been more bliss but for the glitch in parenting. I know deep down when you have your sober reflections, you cut a larger piece of the blame for yourself. You detest the social awkwardness your children suffer but unfortunately, it is who we are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself mum, or fault the stricken strictness of your husband, I must confess, I’ve grown to enjoy the beauty of my personhood, I’m entertained by my baby steps even in adulthood.

Dear Mum
Source- Curly Nikky

Why worry about my love life mum? Did you expect I would have tied the knot so easy? You did I know, and it’s a shame. How do you plant corn seeds and expect to reap big tubers of yam? Every time you say “Ujunwa you must marry o, onye amuru na amu ibe ya (He that is birthed must birth)”, I get attracted to the frustration that strengthens the tone of your voice and the confused rotation of your eyes. You hate my nonchalance towards marriage I know, hence me making sure my first response is usually “Na so” (a payback maybe). Even though you emphasize my age, I know it’s the least of your worries. You’re scared something is wrong with me psychologically, you regret not creating a bond between us from inception. Well, I used to be a lot in my feelings when I was much younger about this, especially when I hear someone say “My mum is my best friend”, I lowkey hated them for having what I could never have, but along the line, I figured it’s still surreal to have best friends who are not mums. 

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dear mum
Source- Proverbs 31

Hmmm, mum, you mean to tell me that one day, I’ll have to foot the bills of my kids as you and Dad do? Scary shit! I think of you sometimes and I wonder how rich you’ll have become if you didn’t birth any kids. “Mummy this! Mummy that! Mummy this” from every corner of the home even down to the extended family. When I was younger, I was lowkey scared, I thought you needed help psychologically because there was rarely a time I’ll barge into your room and not find you talking to yourself. “Watch mummy, she’s always talking to herself”, I once hinted at my sister frightfully, but the she-goat wasn’t as sensitive. Reminiscing on those moments as an adult, now I can relate. The bills were so overwhelming, I bet you cried your eyes silly sometimes but stupid me always bragged to my friends in high school about how rich my parents are. It’s not my fault, there was not one thing I asked that you didn’t make sure was provided, even when dad reiterated how trivial it was, you made sure I and my siblings got it.

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I had never felt so much guilt spending your money until the conversation we had some time last month and you openly said your salary before you retired banking was N120,000. What!! I held myself throughout the gist and amid the laughter, I was breaking inside and that night I suffered a lack of sleep and shed a few tears thinking about you and how much dad’s salary would have been too because he was also a banker. The salary you used in sustaining a home was my first job salary which I considered too small, I still cannot imagine how you were able to send 5 kids to good schools, clothing, feeding, etc. I regret tripling my school fees and money for handouts, I guess I was influenced by my brother who one time said to me “Anything they ask you to pay for in school, better double it, mummy and daddy have money, they’re just pretending”. For some reason, these words stuck with me through university, If I had known how much you were earning I swear I would have been considerate.

dear mum
Source- Alpha Image

The Sex Conversation

Another thing I’ll be shocked to find out is if you still have sex mum. I watch you and sometimes your eyes tell that you’re unhappy for some key reasons yet you run with the bias that “mothers are supposed to keep the home, and not show fragility!” I see how you smile watching your favourite sitcom, ‘The Johnsons’, especially the hilarious lovey-dovey scenes of the couple characters Emu and Lucky. You wish you could share love gestures like that with your husband huh? I know. Do you still have sex? I doubt. I figured you got tired of wanting some things and adjusted, now you’re such a good actor who suffers a romantic awkwardness with her husband. I wish we could have a sex conversation, I long to know your definition of a spark and your fantasies about marriage. It’s glaring there’s a lot you hide in those cupboards locked in your eyes.

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I know you’re eager to know if I’m sexually active too but you’re not sure if my answer will break or merry your heart. You could have asked during the Vagina pills conversation, but you blew your shot by feigning ignorance as usual. Well, I suffered genophobia for decent years and all I needed were the words of a mum or better put, my mum, holding my hands and saying summarily to me “It’s not that deep”

Genophobia dear mum
Source- Deviant Art

 

The Death Conversation

I hate how brutally honest you’re with death, although you’re dramatic when you cry over death, yet your move on is superb. When I lost my close friend Blessing and always cried my eyes out and got scared to sleep, I hated how you handled it. “You better stop crying, your friend has left this wicked world and you’ll leave one day too”, despite admitting you’ve never seen me that broken yet you refused me succour. You said the bitter truth though but still…you made me question your tendencies of being heartless especially when I hinted at seeing her in my dream and you quickly rebuked it. I went on to ask if you’ve seen your late father in the dream and with a much covered up hostile tone, you responded  “What for? My father is resting peacefully, only dead people who are bad are seen in dreams”. This tops the list of  the ignorant things  you’ve ever said.

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If you die today Mum, I’ll still love to host you in my dreams just to have you echo my name, and annoy me with silly chores like calling me on the phone to help you get something from the fridge even though you’re seated literally at arm’s length from the fridge. I’ll still love to see you for sometime mum. You’re right about the need to move on after death, I just hate your approach in telling it.

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donate a penny muttering minds

A Few Yet Huge Lessons

You are not among the most popular or powerful women in the world, not every mum is. We might not have had any tangible mother-daughter conversation, it doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything from you. I have learned so much. Ooo boy! You’re a fervent preacher of ‘Savings’, although I somewhat hate how you preach it harshly and remind me of impending sufferings if I do not adhere. I know you think I’m a dummy in this aspect but ever heard of the saying “Never tell your parents how much you’re earning and how much you’ve saved”? Don’t be scared, I have some little saved. And your trenchant wit quote “Not having money is a sin” has become my mantra too, again don’t be scared, I wouldn’t end up poor.

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I learned the beauty of  “Support being reciprocal” from you. When I observed that sometimes the blended tomatoes in the house is sometimes sour and other times sweet. I asked why and you opened up about rotating two different sellers. I complained that you ditched the bad tomato seller but you told me it wasn’t possible because both women buy from you. You added that support is reciprocal and that even if it meant having to eat not too good tomatoes for a week, you’ll bear it. Since that conversation mum, I make sure to support every friend’s business who reads my blog as much as I can. However, in an attempt to practice rotating among my two cloth vendor friends who are dedicated readers of my blog, like the bad tomato seller, one served me shitty customer service, to date, I have not gotten my dress. My encounter is not to nullify your lesson on support but opens my eyes on the unreliable nature of some folks.

lessons from my dear mum
Source- Purpose Focus Commitment

*******

Dear mum, most of the words written here are the conversations I wish we could have or you should know. This should be the right opportunity but unfortunately, you don’t read my blog. No, I’m not pissed, I promise. I only feel it’s a subconscious tit for tat as I hate to unhook your bra on most occasions. No hard feelings, only that you mostly show up when I’m having a not-so-good time.

ABOUT YOUR MUM

Last week was mother’s day and before it,  I’ve been asking some close friends when exactly is Mother’s day cause I know there’s usually an established confusion with the dates, all thanks to varying church denominations. I had prepared pointers for this story some months ago and felt having it published on Mother’s Day would be great but how unfortunate, I missed the rapture. I was amused to see “happy mothers day mum”, on almost everyone’s story last Sunday and went on to query my friend Bubu for not keeping me abreast. Her hilarious response via chat was “Who you blame? This one is not acknowledged on Google, they said this one na pentecostal mother’s day, catholic’s own is still coming, then the one that is recognized worldwide is on its way too”.

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Hmmmmm, rather than miss the next and even the next, I decided to have this post come up today because there’s every likelihood that I’m gonna be caught unaware the umpteenth time.

Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?
3
Please do you know the exact Mother’s Day date? Or you're as confused as me? 😂😂 x

Mother's Day letter
Source- Learned English

Anyway, I want us to talk about our mothers today, not in the cliche way that we’re fond of, for instance “My mum is the best mum in the world”, you know that’s a fallacy right? I want this version of describing mums to be real, vulnerable, and unique. Those little and big bits you’ve observed about your mum, those words you wish you could say, conversations you should have had, let’s talk! Telling some sides of the story will most definitely hurt you, or make you tear up like I did when writing this, but I want you to be vulnerable in telling. If your mother is late or peradventure you were abandoned as a child, I urge you, don’t feel left out, please share. I’m sure you have memories and if not, there are still some things you wish you could say to them. Feel free.

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Like you’ve read mine, please leave yours in the comment section so we can all learn. You might not be able to write as long as I did, but I’m sure you can pick an intense part of the narrative to relay. So shall we👇👇.

 

 

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Bagudo
Bagudo
6 months ago

I can confidently say my mum is the best of all mums when it comes to raising children. Been the second wife to her husband of four wives she treat all children equally in the family. She is very soft and loving but very strict when it comes to discipline. She never confides in us about her pains and worries with the other wives or her husband just to avoid us her kids from taking sides. she is fulani, very shy to have a chit chat with her own kids this attitude l hate now about her. She hide from… Read more »

Eddy
Eddy
6 months ago

Wow. This had me feeling like we were raised by same mothers. My mom had this strict approach to us(her kids) when we were little which helped mould us discipline wise. The only problem I have with this is that she left no room for friendship or to confide in her,her default approach to everything was anger and more strictness. Although I look forward to having this convo with her sometime. I have learned from her doings when to be uptight and when to be free with my unborn kids so they’ll never have to feel alone like we did… Read more »

Eunice
Eunice
6 months ago

You had me in a mix of emotions reading. One minute I’m emotional for your mum, the other is me just ‘hmmmmmming’. Although long, your story is interesting, since you announced on Telegram I have been eager. I grew up with a single mum and I love her, or I think I do. One question I wish to ask her is the truth about my dad. Although she have revealed the truth to me, I know there is more.  Also I hate to agree that ladies who grow up with single mums are hard to love. My mum’s idea of… Read more »

Eunice
Eunice
6 months ago

Thank you, I appreciate this

Nkechi
Nkechi
6 months ago

My mum is my friend,I won’t say best friend but she really does try,maybe after four elder siblings and seeing that authoritarian rule won’t cut it,she softened with me,though I’ve always been a softie with her,we’ve but had the sex talk but we’ve had the money talk and the boy/husband talk!!! So that’s a plus to her,mum is great at hiding her pain I noticed that from a really tender age,after so many tears she’d deny that she ever even shed a drop loool….I love how open she is about loving me,it makes me comfortable around her,I don’t want to… Read more »

Anon
Anon
6 months ago
Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?" Read more »

I’m also confused

Anon
Anon
6 months ago

Dear mum, I am not sure I can forgive you for accepting my dads condition to send my sister who got pregnant to the village to stay with granny. All for what? I will never do that to my daughter. She is 19 and naive, sex education would have helped. Sex education from you but you choose to maintain your dignity in church and on the social level so you gave your daughter up. Your magic as a wife could have changed dads mind. I am forever disappointed and if anything happens to my sister, that will be the end… Read more »

Anon
Anon
6 months ago

It hurts😪

Cee
Cee
6 months ago
Reply to  Anon

It really hurt how our parents consider the society over their kids and their happiness and life.

More
More
6 months ago
Reply to  Cee

Y do I feel like I know you

Didiong
Didiong
6 months ago
Reply to  Anon

This is sad❣

More
More
6 months ago
Reply to  Anon

Tears in my eye

Dangem
Dangem
6 months ago

Hmm! This is crazy! I had to go on my knees, begging for mum’s forgiveness. She was hurt, I got hurt and we all became bunch of damaged people who need healing but thanks to knowledge because gradually, we are all healing. One time, I asked my mum if she didn’t need a companion but she didn’t reply me. I know she is scared of having another man in her life. No man has been able to replace her husband (my dad) and since experience has taught her, she would not dare allow any man into her life. I know… Read more »

Dangem
Dangem
6 months ago

You are very correct, she needed mental help but it was something worse. I grew up before time. I am left to make big decisions and now it’s hard to let someone make decisions for me.

But thanks to a life coach on YouTube that I got to know about…her name Teal Swan…I watch her videos these days and it’s helping me heal from all the hurts, traumas and wounds.

Thank you for letting us share our story too.🧡🧡🧡

Cee
Cee
6 months ago

Well an interesting story I must admit. My mum is similar to yours in a way. My mom isn’t my friend nor a best friend she is just referred to as my mom and well I won’t blame her totally for her trainings. We were always there to receive blames and transfer aggression whenever her husband my dad gets on her nerve, it wasn’t easy growing up. My mom would always defend her marriage rather than fight for her children, she is a strong woman no doubt but weak in certain areas which we needed her to be strong. We… Read more »

Cee
Cee
6 months ago

The bonding haven’t been easy because she get still get to me on a daily and I keep wondering if there will be a change from her. Let God take the wheel.

Naomi
Naomi
6 months ago

My mum has her flaws yeah , she has the believe that as my mum she should always be right in most cases .I hate tht she yells at me most times and the fact that she feels I shouldn’t do something because of what people will say ,low-key she wants me to do these things but she let’s what people say about me get to her easily but then , she has to be the most honest mum about everything she feels I should know, she started talking to me about dating life ,marriage , sex since I was… Read more »

Tunde
Tunde
6 months ago
Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?" Read more »

I only wake up to see “Happy mother’s day” every other day too 😂😂😂.

Tunde
Tunde
6 months ago

My mom is the most hardworking woman I know. She has children from three marriages, me being from the last. Yet, she held her head up high and never abandoned any of her kids. She took them wherever she was going and made sure they are provided for. As for my relationship with her, lol. Let me just say we love ourselves when there’s a lot of distance in between. It became that way when I went to boarding school at the age of nine. In my earlier years, I remember I was very close with her. I’m the last… Read more »

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Tunde
Tunde
6 months ago

Haven’t told them yet. Maybe when I get married sha, so she can finally allow me rest. ROTFL @flogged to your senses by the river 😂. My mom says it all the time that it’s “amoju iwe” meaning “too much book” that has made me so opinionated. It’s not my fault her dad didn’t value education na 😩😩😩. My half siblings are my siblings. No differentiation whatsoever. No one knows except we tell them. Oh! Except from the different surnames. They are all married so it’s easier now. People just think it’s their husbands name, kapish! I have half-siblings from… Read more »

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Wammy
Wammy
6 months ago

This is a very beauty piece. Well done muttering minds 👏👏🙌🙌

Bubu
Bubu
6 months ago

I love my mom to bits no doubt and I’ll literally move heaven and earth for her if it were possible, but growing up with her wasn’t the easiest. No she wasn’t harsh or extremely disciplined, she was too soft to an extreme and didn’t take certain things seriously which most people took advantage of and when we try to point it out to her she’ll say “God cannot be mocked” 🤦🏽‍♀️ My mom opened her heart and home to almost anyone she has ties to, forgetting not everyone shares same morals with her and this act almost put her… Read more »

Ozi Bebe
Ozi Bebe
6 months ago

This is a really nice read and I wish I had some of this conversation with my mom before she died

Ozi Bebe
Ozi Bebe
6 months ago

Thank you 💕

Eric
Eric
6 months ago

Well to be honest I don’t really have the best relationship with both my parents, my mum is cool and kind
She is a great woman, but most times I feel like I am the problem and most times I feel like it’s hers, cause everyday I try to be a great son but seems to me that it’s never enough for her…but that doesn’t stop me from being a great son but it does hurt so much knowing that and that has really made things weird and awkward between us lately
I think I am trying too hard

Ruthie
Ruthie
6 months ago

Lovely piece muttering minds.
As for me, I didn’t have that mother-daughter relationship when I was young. But as I grew older, we got closer and now I can share anything with her without fear or whatsoever.

Ezeugo 1
Ezeugo 1
6 months ago

This is emotional tho. 120k was a huge sum of money few years ago than now. And I’ll like to know if you’ve tried to discuss this with your mum. Maybe it would create that bond you feel she seeks. It’s never too late.
My mum carried all her family’s issues on her head. I wish she had more time for herself that’s why we make sure we throw her the best birthday party we can do

Mond
Mond
6 months ago

Well, i would just ask ” mum tell me the truth, i wasn’t born in Nigeria abi?”

Orgostinah
Orgostinah
6 months ago

I totally relate with this story, especially the “mummy best friend” part. I’ve been able to trace that most of my mum’s shortcomings is due to her lack of education. She really wishes she was educated and sometimes hint it. For instance when I ask her for money she’ll often say “where do you want me to get such amount, you know I’m not educated” Even times when I was not doing too well in school, she’ll pray for me rather than scold me. I realize that she sees education as a golden opportunity and if she couldn’t get it,… Read more »

Didiong
Didiong
6 months ago

This ‘my mum is my bestfriend’ line, I used it in secondary school too, but, much later I thought about it and I realized that I didn’t tell her things that worried me. Growing up, I kept a lot to myself. I think I worried about things a child my age should not be worried about. And I had fears. Late periods that i was scared to tell anyone, and it was not because i did anything. You know how you know that today is Saturday, but you still ask to be sure its Saturday? Yeah. Many other issues too.… Read more »

Didiong
Didiong
6 months ago

🤣🤣 she won’t even bother trying to translate, but my nosy friends would run away with the diary.

Choose man or her o…my dear! My younger ones are having it easy man.

I can imagine getting scared because of a kiss😂😂

Thanks for thanking😃

Zita
Zita
6 months ago

Las Las, mothers are the realest MVPs…
Those people are super heroes frsss😭♥️ I can relate to the part where she carried y’all along and provided for y’all despite how small her salary was. Omo. I couldn’t read this straight, I had to pause at some points to shed a tear or two… Nice piece…

Onyii
Onyii
6 months ago

This got me in my feelings. I got pretty close to my mom after SS3 WAEC. I stayed a year at home before uni and started becoming sore. But we were still good. I could tell her things even my first boyfriend. I got married and I’m seeing a side of her that keeps breaking my heart sha. How society and marriage becomes more important than your child’s happiness still baffles me sha. I hope to do better by my kids. But in all, she’s strong. There’s one experience that still gets me shocked. Mummy knows me as a good… Read more »

Lucky
Lucky
6 months ago

This is all I can say about my Mum & Dad.

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Pretty Anon
Pretty Anon
6 months ago

Finally got around to reading this to the end and it’s got me in my feelings. First of all it’s 3.00am and I’m supposed to be sleeping but sleep has forsaken me today, at this moment. I decided to spend my sleepless moments catching up here. When I was much younger I disliked my mom so much. I used to question if she was my real mother 🤣. She was so mean and usually beat us up at the slightest thing. My father was my superhero. Anytime he didn’t want to indulge us, he would refer us to my mom😂😭.… Read more »

Anon
Anon
6 months ago

My mum is the kindest woman I know, she can give our last food in the house to a complete stranger. She is kind, yet so carefree. She is stuck in her 20’s maybe, we are 2 girls and living with her has always been like a competition, she wants to be just like us. Good that she is young at heart though. Mum, you were never observant when it comes to your girls, you abandoned your duties because we girls were closer to dad, you call us daddy’s girls and the boys your children. That was a great error!… Read more »

Jesudamilare
Jesudamilare
5 months ago

been battling the best approach to replying this mail….. my mum is wonderful and she’s more of a backbone to my dad which reflects on we the children(brings me to encourage our guys/men to always try to rob minds together with their wives in decision making) although due to her health,but my mum insist on having a small business which has saved a lot of things in the house when my dad doesn’t have enough money to go round due to some reasons…… she helped talk to my dad when I got pregnant although they weren’t happy about the situation… Read more »

Bello Abolaji
Bello Abolaji
5 months ago
Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?" Read more »

I’m extremely confused ooh

Adufe Urban
Adufe Urban
5 months ago

This was really good! And I could see myself and my mum. I’m actually sending this to her. Let me see her reaction! Lol!

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