Dear muttering minds, I write this to you because I think this is the safest place to let out the deepest and darkest part of my mind to the public, the thing only I, God, and the devil know about and I hope I get some sort of relief after this.
I am a 25-year-old guy and I love boys. Not in a brotherly or friendly manner but in a more intimate and sexual manner. I started noticing this when I was 16-years-old in my ss2 (penultimate class). When I see a handsome guy I tend to stare more than twice just like some ladies do. I tried to ignore it then and hope such a feeling just blows over, but it didn’t work.
When I’m watching porn, unlike most guys do, I switch over to the gay section to watch and I enjoy watching it. I get more aroused and a more intense orgasm while jerking off to gay porn than straight porn. I stare at pictures of guys, especially cute tall, and muscular ones. I usually watch movies about homosexuals and I normally rewind the sex scene. I try several times to stop but to no avail.
While I was awaiting admission to the university, I was usually home alone so I did a lot of crazy things I couldn’t imagine. One certain time I bought a small-sized plantain and a condom, then I rolled the condom over the plantain and poured some lube over it and gradually shoved it into my ass hole. It was painful at first but in the long run, I started enjoying it to the point of orgasm without touching myself. One time, I recorded myself in the act and edited and posted it on gay porn sites. It got a lot of views and likes, some thirsty guys abroad even contacted me for sex video calls and I agreed to it.
I did this for three months until one day I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing”? I forced myself to stop and found something doing just to get my mind off it. Finally, I got admission to the university, I lived in the school hostel then. I’ve never experienced a hostel life before, that was my first experience. You know in the hostel everyone baths in the same bathroom at the same time. Unlike secondary school where I was longing to get a glimpse of the D, I saw a lot of them in the hostel in different shapes, sizes, and colors which all brought back memories of all my gay sexual adventure; all those feelings I tried to put away all came back.
Irrespective of how unhygienic the bathroom was, I would always go back there three times a day to take a bath but the real truth is that I was there to get as much glimpse of the D. This continued until I left the hostel in my third year. I tried my best to ignore my homosexual feelings until I graduated. I’m glad I didn’t meet any full-blown gay guy in my lodge off-campus cause I’m pretty sure that I would have had gay sex if I met one.
I’m working now and I have a girlfriend who I love, and we also have sex which I enjoy but those sexual feelings I get when I see a handsome guy is still there. I just ignore it and hope it goes away. Sometimes I still go to gay porn sites but not as often as before. I really don’t want to lose my girlfriend, could it be that my gay tendencies are only a phase in my life that will pass or am I bisexual?