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Sexuality Conflict: “I’m a 25-year-old guy and I Love Boys but…”

Writer- Anonymous
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3 min read

Dear muttering minds, I write this to you because I think this is the safest place to let out the deepest and darkest part of my mind to the public, the thing only I, God, and the devil know about and I hope I get some sort of relief after this.

I am a 25-year-old guy and I love boys. Not in a brotherly or friendly manner but in a more intimate and sexual manner. I started noticing this when I was 16-years-old in my ss2 (penultimate class). When I see a handsome guy I tend to stare more than twice just like some ladies do. I tried to ignore it then and hope such a feeling just blows over, but it didn’t work. 

gay
I love boys. Not in a brotherly or friendly manner but in a more…

When I’m watching porn, unlike most guys do, I switch over to the gay section to watch and I enjoy watching it. I get more aroused and a more intense orgasm while jerking off to gay porn than straight porn. I stare at pictures of guys, especially cute tall, and muscular ones. I usually watch movies about homosexuals and I normally rewind the sex scene. I try several times to stop but to no avail. 

Read: Hypocrites! Homosexuality Is Not A Crime

While I was awaiting admission to the university, I was usually home alone so I did a lot of crazy things I couldn’t imagine. One certain time I bought a small-sized plantain and a condom, then I rolled the condom over the plantain and poured some lube over it and gradually shoved it into my ass hole. It was painful at first but in the long run, I started enjoying it to the point of orgasm without touching myself. One time, I recorded myself in the act and edited and posted it on gay porn sites. It got a lot of views and likes, some thirsty guys abroad even contacted me for sex video calls and I agreed to it.

Read: Men Talk! How To Get Rid of Boners in Public
bisexual
I bought a small-sized plantain and a condom, then I rolled the condom over the…

I did this for three months until one day I thought to myself, “what the hell am I doing”? I forced myself to stop and found something doing just to get my mind off it. Finally, I got admission to the university, I lived in the school hostel then. I’ve never experienced a hostel life before, that was my first experience. You know in the hostel everyone baths in the same bathroom at the same time. Unlike secondary school where I was longing to get a glimpse of the D, I saw a lot of them in the hostel in different shapes, sizes, and colors which all brought back memories of all my gay sexual adventure; all those feelings I tried to put away all came back. 

Read: Understanding Your Sexuality

Irrespective of how unhygienic the bathroom was, I would always go back there three times a day to take a bath but the real truth is that I was there to get as much glimpse of the D. This continued until I left the hostel in my third year. I tried my best to ignore my homosexual feelings until I graduated.  I’m glad I didn’t meet any full-blown gay guy in my lodge off-campus cause I’m pretty sure that I would have had gay sex if I met one. 

Bisexual Invisibility –
Am I gay or bisexual?

I’m working now and I have a girlfriend who I love, and we also have sex which I enjoy but those sexual feelings I get when I see a handsome guy is still there. I just ignore it and hope it goes away. Sometimes I still go to gay porn sites but not as often as before. I really don’t want to lose my girlfriend, could it be that my gay tendencies are only a phase in my life that will pass or am I bisexual?

 

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Aji
Aji
2 months ago

I’ll advise that u remove the idea of you being BI from your thinking because it’ll only give u a reason to be gay 😏.
and stay far from gay porn…what do u need it for?

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Aji

Yeah. That should be the first step, my only wish is that it’s as easy as said. I know there’s some form of good therapy that can help. Google is our friend innit🙃

Anon definitely has to stay away from porn!

Thank you Aji 😇

Solchibuzor
Solchibuzor
2 months ago

I will do my best not come off as homophobic as I often am, but the truth is that I’ve had a terrible experience as a child that often informs my opinion on matters bordering on this subject. Dear anonymous, We are all straight, gay, bi, and everything else that comes in between. Which one we lean towards, becomes more evident in us. And because it’s a world filled with lies, no one comes out to tell you that in the same manner you walked in through those doors, you can still walk out, albeit difficult. Still on doors.. Imagine… Read more »

Wana
Wana
2 months ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

Wow. This was a very enlightening comment in so many ways. Thank you Solchibuzor. I Stan your comment.

Solchibuzor
Solchibuzor
2 months ago
Reply to  Wana

@wana.. 🙌🏽🙌🏽 respect!

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Wana

😄😄 I stan you Wana for being a dedicated follower of Muttering Minds. You are loved 😃

Wana
Wana
2 months ago

Just seeing this. I’m blushing 😊

Asmau
Asmau
1 month ago
Reply to  Wana

You are so good

Ezeugo 1
Ezeugo 1
2 months ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

I used to have one pattern of thinking when it comes to all these sexuality stuff. But this right here has given me a wider perspective on it. Thank you.

Solchibuzor
Solchibuzor
2 months ago
Reply to  Ezeugo 1

@Ezeugo, exactly bro!

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Ezeugo 1

I’m glad you gained clarity. 😇

Rotez
Rotez
2 months ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

Well said 👏👏

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

Thank you for this Solchibuzor, it reminds me so much of my own experience. I have shared it before on our email community, Naked Minds. “How I Missed a Step at Becoming a Lesbian.” I might just publish it here too, still thinking.🙃

Incase you are interested in joining our email community, here’s a direct link.👇👇

Thank you once more Solchibuzor😇

Richard
Richard
2 months ago

I think this Platform is bent on projecting a false narrative about people’s sexualities from one gay man’s perspective.

But you know what, it’s all shades of wrong and people will still very much see the light in the end.

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Richard

Hi Richard, I don’t know if to say welcome or not cause I cannot tell if your intentions are well. Before you jump into a conclusion fuelled with ignorance, I suggest you read properly our ‘About Page’. Did you also read other stories before you typed this? I doubt. This is a story sent by someone who chooses to be Anonymous; seeking the candid opinions of versatile minds here. And you’ll agree that people are free to state their opinions which is also one of the reasons I approved your comment here. This obviously triggered you but next time I… Read more »

Wana
Wana
2 months ago
Reply to  Richard

What false narrative is it projecting?

Richard
Richard
2 months ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

You lie miserably, A person’s sexuality isn’t one they have a power over, it can be contained, stiffened, but it can never be overpowered. Stop trying to be homophobic in a nice way. Just stop!!

You are disgusting Liar! No one, I repeat No one chooses to be gay, people are born into different sexual orientations. Stop feeding the narrative that homosexuality is a phase. WHEN ITS NOT!!! YOU ARE A STRAIGHT BITCHASS HOMOPHOBIC DOG, I don’t expect you to say the truth as it is!!!

Tifeprec
Tifeprec
16 days ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

Such a wise comment. I stan

Wammy
Wammy
2 months ago

I believe that time of your life was just a phase. You only wanted to explore and be adventurous. However, for the sake of your relationship, I will advice you remove your mind from thinking you are gay are bi. Also, try as much as possible to stay away from watching gay porn or porn in general, it does more harm than good.

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Wammy

Hmmmm the death of porn!!! Just maybe I should do a story on that based on my personal experience. 🌚

I am trying hard to believe it was just a phase too but for the fantasies to be recurring even at adulthood, shouldn’t it be something to look into deeply?

Wammy
Wammy
2 months ago

Please write a story on that, I can’t wait to read it

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Wammy

😄😄 fingers crossed.

Tifeprec
Tifeprec
16 days ago

Expectant for this story. I’ve been trying to stop porn but rather I go deeper into it, up to the point of watching live porn but since I got close to a lady who I really do believe will be my first girlfriend, I’ve not seen any porn or masturbated in over a month! I guess and hope that I’m done with it.

muttering minds
Admin
16 days ago
Reply to  Tifeprec

😃😃 I hope so too and I hope your relationship works out fine.

Idawor Ruth
Idawor Ruth
2 months ago

Wow! Okay just as Solchibuzor has said you are in total control of yourself. Sit down, think clearly and then ask yourself what you really want. The most powerful things about us humans is our mind. If you really set out to overcome this homosexual phase then you have to continue making conscious effort towards it. Avoid whatever brings it up like watching of gay porn and if possible porn in general. You have to stop doing things that triggers it. The fact that you love your girlfriend and don’t want to lose her should make you do your best… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Idawor Ruth

Need I say more??? Thank you Idawor, I do hope Anon is taking notes.🙏

Richard
Richard
2 months ago
Reply to  Idawor Ruth

I hate seeing straight people comment on issues like these… You straight people disgust me with… You have only Everly known what it’s like to me straight to be attracted to the opposite sex effortlessly.

This is a conversation gay people should cheerlead for themselves because it’s about them, you can’t be Christian and try to moderate a Muslim on how to be a proper Muslim.

You can’t be white and tell a black man how he can be white because you think his blackness is a phase. You are all dumb disgusting skunks projecting and justifying your homophobia.

STOP!!

Wana
Wana
2 months ago
Reply to  Richard

I’ve been following your comments closely I’m trying to understand where you stand exactly. What point are you trying to prove🤔. I’ve read all your comments over and over again and all I see is you projecting misplaced aggression everywhere. I think they’re saner and more responsible ways to pass your message without insulting other people. Everyone has a right to their opinion and if you don’t agree with them, you state yours and move on.

fourth~king
fourth~king
1 month ago
Reply to  Richard

I swear it’s irritating, the comment reek of ignorant fr

Mykel Oche
Mykel Oche
2 months ago

In my opinion I think you are just delaying the inevitable. Once you meet a handsome gay guy its finished, it’s going down. I think you should try the gay sex and get it out of your system or to know for sure if you are gay or bisexual. Be sure of who you are!

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Mykel Oche

Hmmmmm…perhaps it could lead to trial and error huh? But from the look of things, he doesn’t like that he feels that way, so suggesting this might be a wrong move. If I’m right, he’s looking to get rid of the thoughts and feelings.

Thank you Oche.

Femi
Femi
2 months ago

Personally, I think it’s up to you to discern whether you’re gay or bi. Regardless, I think you need to ask yourself the question of, “If a fine gay guy shows interest in me, would I still be willing to be with my babe? Or would I cheat?” That would give you the answers you want. It’s also up to you to discern if it is a problem or a sexual orientation you are willing to uphold. Young M.A would say that people would criticize you for whatever, but you are not the problem with the world bro. Find your… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Femi

That’s a key question there Femi! At the end of the day, what will he do????

Thank you 👌

Mustyphan
Mustyphan
2 months ago

Keep ignoring….u can’t give in to all temptations
Talk to your creator

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Mustyphan

Thank you Mustyphan, I recommend prayer too. In as much as some people will frown at it,opining that it’s not everything we must include religion, prayer does some magic. And I’m sure here’s one it can fix.

It feels great to have you here Mustyphan😀, here’s a toast to you🥂🥂…welcome.

If you dont mind subscribing to our post notifications with the red bell icon by the bottom right; I guarantee you’ll love every bit here. Thank you 🙏

Mab-mab
Mab-mab
2 months ago

Be yourself bro… You like guys there’s absolutely no crime in that…
You have a spec… Be proud of who you are..

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Mab-mab

Hmmmmm…well! This is Africa, I guess more than anything, Anon is trying not to be in her bad book. Cheers Mab👌

Collins Abode
Collins Abode
2 months ago

Here is my story anon…kindly read and digest that sexuality is fluid and you need to come in terms with what’s going on(this is bisexuality phase). So I discovered my sexuality around the year 2012,then i was still a novice tryna accept that lowkey I’m interested in guys at the same time girls. So i was still hooking up with different girls and then after realizing myself,i had more festish into watching gay porns and the like and tryna learn new sexual fetishes with them… In all seriousness, figuring out how to tell if you’re bisexual can be an incredibly… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Collins Abode

I appreciate this Collins. I do hope Anon is taking notes.😇

Also welcome, I must confess, for a first-time commenter, this is crisp! I hope to see more of you here. If you dont mind subscribing to our post notifications with the red bell icon by the bottom right; I guarantee you’ll love every bit here. Thank you 🙏

Abode collins
Abode collins
2 months ago

Well I’m glad to comment,but actually the guy shouldn’t force himself,his feelings would tell him(but from my perspective he is bicurious/bisexual)..

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Abode collins

For a fact, I have never heard of the word ‘Bicurious’ until now. I thought you were playing with words but my curiosity told me to Google it.

Thank you, Collins. I’m sure going to read more about it 😄.

King
King
2 months ago

I read this story yesterday and I chose not to make any comment like I do many times (because if the dynamics of the stories). But I couldn’t stop thinking about the writer. The young man needs help and he can’t really help himself. The guy is in a very bad shape, his issue is neither a social nor scientific problem, so he can’t stop it no mater how much he tries. The failure of the science to find solutions to problem such as this is what make the society accepted it. They think God must have have planned it… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  King

This is some form of good therapy. Like I was responding to Aji, I knew there was a mantra for this but I couldn’t place it.

Thank you for commenting despite the trigger, this means a lot, King.

Abode collins
Abode collins
2 months ago
Reply to  King

This man this is you tryna be homophobic…God didn’t say homosexuality is a sin man,stop tryna act all saint…this young man is in a self discovery stage,don’t make it seem all about God. God loves everyone… No one was born straight nor gay,he came as he is and he is tryna discover his sexuality don’t tryna act all homophobic

King
King
2 months ago
Reply to  Abode collins

Well, since you have been able to convince yourself that you are making sense, I thus have no issue with you.

Jimmy
Jimmy
2 months ago

So I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve been through this situation and I can assure you you’re wasting your girlfriends time.

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Jimmy

Hnmmmnn… Hi Jimmy, is it possible that you could throw more light on this? Thank you 😄

Welcome also, it’s good to have you here.🥂

Bubu
Bubu
2 months ago

I’m reading this story for the 3rd time and every time I do, I try to be sympathetic for the guy and understand his situation, but it’s his girlfriend that I’m most sorry for. We’ve heard and seen stories like ‘Dear Joro, My husband is Gay’. Most gay-guys get entangled with a lady due to societal norms and expectations and most of them try to convince themselves that they are deeply in love and care truly about them. But if you truly do, you won’t be deceitful about your sexuality. I just hope that with time, you will truly accept… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
2 months ago
Reply to  Bubu

Hmmmmmm…you know I never thought in this direction. I’m hoping his case is different. 😒

fourth~king
fourth~king
1 month ago

Okay, this is my first time here and i happened to stumble on your post. I’ve also seen alot of comment so I’ll get right to it. I’m just like you, I’m 22 rn, i can say i was straight most of my life till JS2, that’s when i noticed i was attracted to guys too. From then till i was 21, i was basically gay, but then i hooked up with a guy in uni and found out I didn’t like it that much, hooked up with like 3 more guys and same thing…. and recently i got a… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  fourth~king

Thank you Forth-King and welcome too🙂. I like the pointers you stated especially the part you said its okay to be confused. Sexuality can be weird for some and for some, like religion, they feel only theirs should be accepted. This explains the lifestyle of homophobic people. At the end of the day, we must do what makes us happy. Thank you once again and NO, you are wrong, this website is not aimed at making a certain sexuality, sex, or whatever feel bad. Everyone is welcome here only that sometimes a particular group happens to own the loudest voice… Read more »

Mae
Mae
27 days ago

Hmm….I had to take my time to read through the post and comments because it also concerns me. First, I’d like to state clearly that being gay/straight is not a choice as some comments show. It’s something that’s way beyond anyone’s understanding. Or would you tell me that an innocent child of 5 or 6 knows anything about making choices or sexuality? Wait, did you choose to be straight or gay? There are lots of things you can choose but sexuality is not part of them. While growing up as a child, I knew there was something off about me.… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
27 days ago
Reply to  Mae

Hmmmmmm… I had to take intermittent deep sighs while digesting your comment Mae💆‍♀️. No much words to say but two powerful words ‘THANK YOU‘.

You left no stone unturned. Very insightful especially knowing it’s from a personal angle. You’ve done well Mae🙏

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