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I am Muttering

I Missed a Step at Becoming a Lesbian

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7 min read

Maybe I missed a step at becoming a lesbian…just maybe.  Attending an all-girls school was fun but looking back now, it could have turned out to be what I love to call ‘A temporary situation deciding the fate of one’s entire existence’.

We were only girls, girls who apart from learning together carved our social and emotional sphere around each other. What do you think happens to a child who to some extent is exposed to some romantics on TV and doesn’t find themselves around the opposite sex to at least look piercingly into their eyes? Social and emotional unjust!

lesbian
We were only girls, girls who apart from… (source YouTube)

No! I didn’t kiss or shift a girl’s panties but like I said I missed a step. Living without boys but knowing they existed was social torture which was why some of us were curiously impatient to wait until we were out of the ‘elementary prison’ (boarding house). Some were bold enough to try it out with the same sex, some like me underwent a recurrent emotional torment in the heat of some occurrences.

Read: Sexuality Conflict; “I am a 25-year-old guy and I Love Boys but”…

On some occasions, the vile demon living in my mind calls my bluff with an inciting tone saying “Kiss her! Kiss her! I know you want it. I see the way you feel for her, she feels the same too. Give it a shot.” and then the other, the benevolent angel breathing in my mind debates the offer by berating me… “You know what happens to lesbians here… INDEFINITE SUSPENSION! And the stigma, you better not try it”. Despite that the blood running through my veins dashed their feet sometimes on a bump, yet my angel always preserved the better part of me; ensuring I was well behaved throughout the time.

lesbian LGBTQ
I was well behaved throughout the time. (Source-Medical News Today)

 We improvised the absence of boys in many ways but acted like we didn’t know it was what we were doing (maybe we didn’t). Every girl was protective of their own best friend like it was some sort of a severe boy-girl relationship. If any girl as much as sniffed an inch closer to another girl’s close friend, the whole school gave her the bad title, ‘snatcher’. Some had dirty dealings under the duvets but weren’t caught though (not me🙃), unfortunately, smartness is not a parcel given to every man, there was ‘a caught’ for some who were immediately spooned out of school with an indefinite suspension.

Read: My First Sex Experience; Take Back Home

We had ‘fixes’, a concept of match-making. A senior girl student is fixed with a doppelganger junior girl student, usually, a class below to become friends and care for each other like sisters. It was a thing. If no one looked like you then sorry! you won’t be merged. I had my fair share of the cut but she was meek and very uninteresting sadly, so it felt like butterflies had no business in my corner. But some others enjoyed the fun and yeah a special kind of affection brewed.

black lesbian women
Source- Tumblr

Lest I forget, the pen pals. A middle man (student) links you up with someone else and you both exchange notes of love and care and after a solid relationship is formed, you decide to finally meet each other and continue being friends. More like a blind date but pens replaced phones.

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Caught in all these, I felt something for every one of these girls who at some point crossed my routine. There was more to the platonic appeal than meets the eyes.  There were times where I felt tempted to want to touch them in severe ways or maybe steal a kiss. I was so sure they wouldn’t resist, especially my pen pal, who drove my urges more than the rest of the girls. Most nights we will lie together on the mini foam facing eye to eye, inhaling each other’s carbon dioxide while having a conversation. To me it wasn’t just a mere conversation, I felt something different but like a dog on a leash, I could only charge beyond its leash length (the fear of suspension kept me in check🥶). I bet she felt the same way too and like me, she was not bold enough to take the risk, and even if we were on the same wavelength, what if we get caught?

lesbians
I bet she felt the same way too and like me, she was not bold enough to take the risk…(source-LiveAbout)

 Other provoking urges showed itself from time to time. In the holding of hands and walking together from prep, in the reconciliation with a fellow girl who we stopped speaking to for months…the comebacks always felt like it needed makeup sex to solidify it.  I always found myself so clingy and so glad that we are back. 

Read: Why I Hate Mutual Friends (Connections)

I still have a vivid memory of bathing together with a friend in the bathroom in Jss1 and we had a funny play of sizing our little breasts with our hands. We wanted to know who got it bigger so we did a subtle squeeze on each other’s boobs and laughed while at it. We acted ignorant like it meant nothing but deep down I felt something sensual, sure she felt it too judging from the look in her eyes. We never spoke of it afterward though🥴.

lesbianism
Source- The Guardian

 What were we to do anyway? We knew what urges were but there were no boys to experiment with, we had only us. I remember reading one of the comments on an old post here, “Homosexuality Is Not a Crime”, where the commenter opined that homosexual behavior asides from genetics being a leading cause is also caused by random environmental factors. I agree totally, our environment plays a huge role in deciding our sexuality. My college experience formed a bedrock for lesbianism, I could have fallen. Some girls fell prey to their urges and to date have remained lesbians (maybe bisexuals). It was all they could make from the environment. What if it was legal and there was nothing at stake like indefinite suspension or stigma from peers? Maybe I would have fallen too.

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 No disrespect to the LGBTQ community but I’m glad I didn’t succumb to my urges. I love the way I feel around men especially that special someone even though sometimes he freaks out and screams at my face “YOU MOTHERFUCKING LESBIAN!!”  And what did I do to warrant that? I only squeezed his butt and sometimes tapped his ass while we were making out. He hates it, but I keep doing it lol. Why do men freak out when you touch their butt though😝?

LGBTQ lesbian
No disrespect to the LGBTQ community (source-The Conversation)

 Did I like my boarding school experience? YES! Asides from the urges. Will my kids attend a boarding school? NO! WHETHER MIXED OR SINGLE! This is because I do not want to be a contributing party to something or a situation that has the tendency to alter their lives in a way that could be bad or good. You can never know what the outcome will be so it is best to avoid gambling. I NEED MY KIDS CLOSE.

This Story Was Originally Posted on Naked Minds, Click here to Join

Don’t get me wrong, boarding schools are great but I think a lot of parents undermine its purpose. The majority of parents send their children to boarding schools to redeem them of their moral loss or to help manage time. If you are bad at parenting, fix it within your home, do not burden a boarding school with your primary responsibilities. Only parents who are sure of their kids and have achieved a decent level of training and communication should send their kids to boarding school (even if I am, I still won’t lol😊). Otherwise, you might end up crying over spilled milk.

sexuality confusion

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Were you ever at crossroads in deciding your sexuality? Has your sexuality been tested before? Maybe in a similar or entirely different situation from mine? Also, what are your views about boarding schools? Let’s talk! This should be enlightening, Kindly leave your comments below.😃👇👇

 

 

P.s. My comment plugin has developed a fault that is currently being worked on. The implication is that the only notification you will get in your mail is an approval note of your comments unlike the usual where you get a notification for my responses to your comment also. Regardless once you receive an approval email, be rest assured I have equally replied to your comment. So you can get back here to keep the conversation flow. Thank you

 

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Idawor Ruth
Idawor Ruth
26 days ago

Wow…You definitely missed a step at becoming a lesbian. lol. Well, I have never really been a fan of boarding school. I used to wonder how it feels to be in boarding school occupied with just one sex because back then I found it odd. There was also a certain way I looked at people who attended an all girls school especially boarding school based on the kind of stories I heard. I heard about the lesbian thingy and all the scary stories of miss Koi Koi. A girl whose footstep is only heard but not seen. And also the… Read more »

Idawor Ruth
Idawor Ruth
26 days ago

No no, I see everybody normal now😂😂😂but mixed or not I am not taking them to boarding school…Things still happen there even if the scary stories aren’t true… And just like you, I want my kids with me😁😁

Aji
Aji
26 days ago
Reply to  Idawor Ruth

Lol those scary stories got to me too when i was growing up.. my friends in boarding school then came back with lots of gist and they are all fun. At some point i was wishing i could be a part of that fun but my parents are like you😀 they never agreed my several requests to go join my friends in boarding school.

Aji
Aji
26 days ago

I believe sending a child to a one sex school is torture. Why do these schools even exist? What’s the idea behind setting up these torture homes for kids? I see it as insecurity on the part of parents who don’t trust their kids around the opposite sex.
I still hurt from not being allowed to experience some of the crazies and fun of attending a boarding school. I still feel like i missed some things.

Aji
Aji
26 days ago

Playing dirty pranks 😂😂😂🤣.
My love for mischief would’ve been satisfied to the maximum🤣

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Keziah
Keziah
22 days ago
Reply to  Aji

This is me😂😂😂

Aji
Aji
26 days ago

I’m glad we (this generation) know better and give more importance to mental health unlike our parent’s generation. We can make better decisions. I hope one day, these torture homes can all get scrapped.

Wana
Wana
26 days ago

😂😂😂😂 I can’t relate. I went to a mixed school, but there was still lesbianism there too. Doris you actually missed a step, a very close step mehn You really tried not to let the peer pressure get to you even once. Abi nobody was eyeing you or??? Even as I grew up in a mixed school, I had a very funny relationship with my girl friends. We were so playful with each other, always touching each other’s breast and bums😂 but to me I never saw it as anything more. I’m sure someone else would have tagged it lesbianism… Read more »

John
John
26 days ago

I feel you tbh, boarding school vibes exposure to different vices which could otherwise be checked at home, had a classmate who got coerced to drop his pants by a senior during break, boy had to leave the school due to the stigma, I’m sure a few of us have similar “sexuality stories” only the strong minded resist such temptations.

Cynthia
Cynthia
26 days ago

Well boarding school isn’t an option for me. I think not only boarding school craves such thougts of being intimate with the same sex. Same sex schools should be looked into though. Mehn my kids will definitely not attend one lol.

Cynthia
Cynthia
26 days ago

Absolutely anywhere.

Nuella
Nuella
26 days ago

Whew! You indeed missed a step! I went to a mixed boarding school, it was work almost throughout except on few occasions where we had time to play and have fun. I don’t know if such existed in my school but such is common in most boarding schools.

Nuella
Nuella
26 days ago

Yeah, work.. Nope, it wasn’t a tech school. Perhaps ‘routine’ is the best word for that. Nonetheless, we still had our fair share of fun activities too.

Sunny
Sunny
26 days ago

Boarding school was fun. yea. I am going to share my own experience too one day. Over 85% of Gays and Lesbians became so through their experience in boarding school or indirectly from those who attended boarding schools. It reminds me of a book we used for prose in school, The Lord of the flies by William Golding. Sexuality is a core of our human make up, our human nature and if not well nurtured it could end up disordered and violent, rebellious.. Most boarders are adolescent and this is the period of life when each child is discovering his… Read more »

Anonymous
Anonymous
26 days ago

Wow, reading this I could completely relate because I went through almost the same thing but the difference between your story and mine is I usually do more assumptions about things I would have love to do with a particular girl back then in boarding school… But I never physically showed my feelings to anyone I preferred to die in silence than talk to or show anyone how I felt. Mine didn’t really affect me in secondary but it happened in the university. I was in a hostel with girls and at that time I just started dating a guy.… Read more »

Last edited 26 days ago by Anonymous
Oge
Oge
24 days ago
Reply to  Anonymous

Gal, this is so accurate and so relateable

Mimi
Mimi
23 days ago
Reply to  Anonymous

If it wasn’t a sin honestly, I’d have gone for it. Similar story too ie the writer’s story

Zitaaa
Zitaaa
26 days ago

I’ve never liked a single sex sch tho😏
Thank God for ur life Sha😅😂

Anon
Anon
26 days ago

We are all bisexual….

If not for that Angel, the stigma e.t.c I would have been a gay.

Now I like girls, girls who are like the guys I like.

Let me stop here.

Aji
Aji
25 days ago

Bros just talk say u be BI. Me i no be BI and no be angel dey hold me.

PAIN
PAIN
26 days ago

I’m never a fan of single sex schools, to me the disadvantages far outweighs the advantages. Also, One thing I’ve learnt about having discourse on controversial issues , such as sexuality on the internet is to keep my thoughts and opinion private. But here’s a safe space. I once heard of a guy, during my time at the university, who got raped by another guy and apparently he didn’t want it, but he enjoyed the whole experience and has since then being confused about his sexuality. He couldn’t decide between boys or girls. This must have been an existential crisis,… Read more »

PAIN
PAIN
25 days ago

Personally, I wish the world were simple and things don’t have to be this complicated and not straight forward. That men only like women and vice versa, and that we’re not plagued with all these complexities and diversities, that there’s was no one who didn’t fall under the umbrella of what we term “straight”. That we all live in an utopia where everyone only has predilections that conform to the norms. But it’s not so. So we’ve got to live with what we have, and who am I to enforce my wishes on another? I’ve come to realize that by… Read more »

Anon
Anon
25 days ago

Reading this, I felt like someone somewhere had experienced same thing I experienced. You just said my mind from the beginning to the end of this story. Till today I still feel that and I guess I’m still at crossroads concerning that. Since I left secondary school, I’ve always been with the opposite sex but I still have a thing for girls/lesbians but I’m scared of trying it out.

Kollynx
Kollynx
24 days ago

I’ve been saying this but, no one cates to listen.

I am.a product of singlesex schools and I can bet that most LGBT weren’t born LGBT but, environment influenced their sexuality.

Dare Sykes
Dare Sykes
23 days ago

An Only Girls or Boys Boarding school is a no no for. I can’t afford to loose my kids. I love to observe the process. Unless a mixed boarding.
Nice writing.

Dee
Dee
23 days ago

Every word, every time was speaking to me. I know exactly how you felt, my dad almost thought I would become lesbien truth is if I were in a western country I would be a lesbien

LadyTee
LadyTee
22 days ago

I can relate with this very well. I also attended an all girl’s school and this, is exactly what it is.

I also had a senior friend and a pen pal then. Looking back now, I realise those things were crazy and funny! Lol

The most interesting season was the valentine’s day! The D day where we profess our assumed “undying love” for each other. It was just crazy mehn. But I miss those days lol…

Henry Ezeanya
Henry Ezeanya
21 days ago

This is a very interesting one, I must really commend the writer, well in my own opinion I am not just in support of the boarding school especially the same sex own, like it really has its own effects on the psychological upbringing of the child, I use my self as a case study, I went to an all boys missionary school and cause of the all strictness policy I faced at my course of study I find it very hard to relate very well with female folks when u left sec school, sometimes I tend to have a low… Read more »

Henry Ezeanya
Henry Ezeanya
20 days ago
Reply to  Henry Ezeanya

Forgive some of my errors I didn’t properly read through before posting

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