While a good number of people hold dearly the factors that define ‘marriage’, which include commitment, growth and staying faithful to the ‘for better or worse’ oath, there is a rigid percentage who hold that marriage should have an expiry date because of the mystery that accompanies change.
The grouping above was influenced by a now-viral tweet which held that “One day, you’ll meet someone who’s more fascinating than your partner, get ready to fight your own self and be content with what you have.”
“Scary stuff. Marriage is supposed to have an expiry date sha. Just because of situations like this. People evolve and so do their alignments. People also outgrow people. What happens when you outgrow your spouse”… Here! a response to the tweet which stood out for me and got me thinking.
As a single lady, my biggest fear is finding ‘The One’, walking down the aisle and afterwards my marriage metamorphoses into something I cannot recognize. I perfectly understand the angle both tweeps are leveraging on, and I’ll break it down in the best way I feel and then leave you to state yours. Fine right?
When Distraction Threatens ‘I DO’
Distractions don’t always look like distractions until they distract you. It is like someone who’s starting to get addicted to a drug, and when you hint them of their excessive use, they maintain they are in control and before you know it, it becomes too late to get out.
Asides from the perks that come with marriage, it is a union wherein both parties come to an agreement to stay committed, disciplined, and content come what may. Anyone can easily say that they would stay content and fight the urge to misbehave in their marriage but can they really?
She is not in the league of the models in the magazine you’ll normally picture whenever you wank, yet you put a ring on it. He is not as intellectual as the men you met before him who equally had some captivating six-packs, yet you said ‘I do’. The irony of specs. So what happens after you are married and you finally come in contact with the model in the magazine and she’s willing to take you on an adventure? To put an icing on the cake, her show of intelligence gets you, she loves your kind of music and seems to get you without having to explain so much, unlike your wife who’s seemingly ‘nagging’.
From spending a lot of time with the sexy six-packed gentleman at work, you deviate to having more personal talks like telling him things your husband does that you don’t like. Gradually, you are sinking, from work hours it extends to before bedtime conversations and as mischief loves to play, your husband is caught up in some cosy chats with his fantasy turned reality model.
At this point, denial sets in. You know full well what’s happening but you think you can handle it. You see, it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. We are all made of strengths and deficiencies, walking down the aisle does not erase our deficiencies nor does it wield our strength. Be good friends with your spouse. Good friends communicate about everything and anything no matter how silly. If the gentleman keeps calling you after work hours, discuss it! Like the way you tell that fantasy model about different sex styles you relish, let your wife know.
Exchanging marital vows is not a repellant to distraction. Distractions are bound to happen, and when it does, two things are involved, it either brings the couple closer, so they can work on the defects in their marriage or it brings an end to the chapter of that marriage. You will always find someone more fascinating than your spouse, financially, physically or mentally. If you communicate often and truthfully with your spouse, there should be no cause for alarm.
An Expiry Date?
Except for contract marriages, I don’t think anyone who is head over heels in love with their partner would go into marriage with the notion that after several years, it should expire. A lot of people say marriage is scary because they fear ‘change’.
You see, all things are transitory, likewise human beings. Change is good but equally scary especially when it is not in our favour (especially in a case where the other party is taking giant steps and keeping up becomes exhausting). If you woke up one morning to see that your spouse has altered in behaviour, what measures will you take? Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight, change is like an army of ants trying to build an anthill, little by little, the worker ants dig the subterranean tunnels and in no time it materializes. Suddenly you’re wondering how it came to be. Sometimes even the person who is accused of change doesn’t even know they have changed. Now, this is a topic for another day.
Like you are not the same person 10 years ago, your partner is not too; marriage does not stop you from changing. It is very possible for partners to outgrow each other, could be financially, sexually, career-wise, preferences or even spiritually. For instance, If presently, you love to have coffee and bread every morning with your wife, chances are that one party will fall out of love for it faster than the other. This shows that even in the tiniest ways, partners can outgrow each other.
It is impossible but equally tameable to outgrow one’s partner, it doesn’t mean the marriage should come to an end. If there is active listening, communication and love, then marriage should not have an expiry date.
If after all these you feel marriage should have an expiry date then the ball is in your court. But I hope it’s not for the sake of starting all over with someone new, that will be some ugly big joke on you because change will always play its role. Here’s what my friend Toyosi said, “irrespective of the fact that some of us had a very strict upbringing and stern parents, we still haven’t tossed them away, rather every year we celebrate them and sing their praises on different social media platforms, we should apply the same to our partners.”
Single or dating? Married or divorced? Let’s talk. How do you handle a distraction? As for marriages having expiry dates, would you say I trashed the topic?