“Is it a sin? Shouldn’t it be just masturbation?” I ask myself these questions every time I feel that sensation inside my vagina. An urge so tingling, I twitch my legs and if I’m seated, I move my buttocks quite mildly but intensely felt in my clit. I want to touch myself so badly, and the urge only gets higher, making me a slave to it, a slave who wants more. I look around to see if the coast is clear, without much looking, I find myself in the toilet, trying so hard to quieten my moan whilst I take my fingers in and out of my vagina streets. “Ahhh mmmm ah”, I moan, and pant slowly, suddenly there’s a wet rush streaming out of my vagina. Oooooh, what a mad ass satisfaction. I put my panties on and head to bed, but guess who wakes up? My conscience! How can one be so satisfied yet feeling enormous guilt? Who crowned masturbation a sin?
If anyone ever told me that I, a Christian girl brought up with gory tales of hellish fire and brimstone when I do as little as stealing a piece of meat from my mama’s pot, would be confessing to masturbation, I would have differed. Not because the fact about me is a lie but because it’s a part of me I intend to continue enjoying in secrecy than tell anyone about it. No one who masturbates openly declares it and even when caught, it becomes the most revered embarrassing moment of our life.
My First Sensual Realization
But can you blame this church girl who was raised to believe that spending too much time washing her vagina was a sin worthy of purgatory? My first realization of my sensuality was when I was about 9 and my mother would beat me for dry-humping a pillow. I, an innocent girl who didn’t even know what dry-humping was, received lots of cane, slap, and pepper-in-the-vagina threats many times than I can count from my African mother who believed anything abnormal was spiritual. At that age, I felt the urges, it was a sweet feeling without a name, I had no sex education, and the only way I could appease what I felt was by sliding my vagina on a pillow.
If you were raised by such a mother you’d likely understand what my experience was like. Need I mention the exorcism events, aka, deliverance sessions when I was forcefully taken to the pastors to get the demon out of me? I loved my mother and she was the most amazing and sacrificial mother when it came to my wellbeing. She was doing motherhood the best way she knew how to but she was blinded to the changes that were occurring during her time. The same way we pretend that child molestation doesn’t happen within our homes or that 1 out of 4 children gets exposed to sex and sexual experiences right from the age of 6. Well, I’m one of such children who can’t tell exactly when I started getting stimulated sexually.
But as a clueless child, teenager and sister, I saw the confusing images on TV of women on women, men on men, men on women, and other horrifying things that first made my heart pound. After the heart-pounding, my brain gets stimulated so much that I had to practice the overwhelming images in my head. My parents paid no attention however and likewise were ignorant of the erotic magazines my brothers hid between their clothes and the porn they watched with zero volume when everyone was asleep. Well I always pretended to be asleep but made sure to position my head rightly so I could watch too.
To backtrack a bit, I remember the first time I saw the erotic CDs in the house, my brother had brought them home. I was still a little girl, and on the first scene of bumping into him watching these, I developed a huge shock. The images were so terrifying, I promised to throw the CD’s away without his knowledge. Eventually, I threw them and was severely beaten by him. As time went on, I always bumped into my brother masturbating, I’ll feel irritated but he always wore no remorse. These acts damaged me psychologically, and worse off, I became an addict too.
I can say I lost my virginity to a pencil or any other object I was using to reach pleasure. I fumbled through teenagehood with frustrated unsatisfactory masturbation and mastered the skill when I neared adulthood.
Grown Older…Still Masturbating
My feelings of heavy guilt, shame, a better understanding of the side effects of excessive masturbation, and personal beliefs helped me slow down as I grew older but it’s hard to stop something that grew up with you. It’s like trying to shed your skin.
I’ve come to accept some things about myself: that I was awakened early and it’s not my fault. I can’t enjoy sex outside marriage (I’ve tried it, didn’t work), I get horny like every other woman during her ovulation and as an active sexual being, I need to take the edge by touching myself and fingering my vagina. That’s how I get really satisfied, you might conclude I’m addicted to masturbating but I have stopped beating myself up about something I cannot miraculously change.
Masturbation Has Its Perks
The word ‘masturbate’ has been painted so dirty and I think that we should cut loose some slack. There’s a fine side to every bad behavior, masturbation inclusive. It saves me from piling body counts, why have premarital sex when I can easily satisfy myself sexually with my finger or pencil. Ps. I do not advise putting a pencil in your vagina cause that shit is painful as hell. Might not be able to count how many times I’ve masturbated but I can count how much I’ve had sex. In a society where trying to abstain is an up the hill task, masturbation should not be condemned.
I see a guy I want in my bed, I lose my senses talking to him, and I know myself, if he as much gets in an enclosed space with me, I’ll take his pants off. But guess what brings me to order? Masturbation! The moment I flick the bean, it’s like a scale falls off my eyes, there’s no way in heaven I’ll be wanting him in my bed again. Recently I heard of a close friend who attempted rape, I felt too sorry for him and I thought “if only he had just wanked, I’m sure he would have been able to control himself”.
Not advising anyone out there to masturbate, no. If you aren’t sexually active, awesome for you! If you masturbate, I don’t think you should beat yourself up too much. Like I said earlier, trying to retrace my steps in adulthood feels like shedding my skin, so I’ll just embrace the perks. I argued with myself on what to tell and what to keep unsaid here but I decided I’ll be as open as possible, especially since there are so many other ‘ladies’ out there like me who can’t share their truth. Emphasis on ‘ladies’ because compared to men, we are more ashamed to say we masturbate.
So on a scale of 0-10 how much guilt do you feel when you masturbate? Notice there was no prior question like “Do you masturbate”, cause I know how uncomfortable that question is and I bet that your answer will be a hesitant “No or Yes”. If anything, sharing this part of me on Muttering Minds I believe is a step to make me feel less guilty, and I hope that you are free in telling me about your masturbation experience too.
Are you addicted to masturbation? What were your early experiences like and how is it now? Are you convinced it’s a sin? Also if you broke free from the addiction, I’ll appreciate it if you can let me in on how you succeeded. To the readers who don’t masturbate, I’ll also love to hear your unique opinion about it. Please indulge me, by leaving your sincere comments and thoughts, by the way, it’s my first time sharing my story on Muttering Minds lol.👇👇
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