A Long Haul Down My Vagina

“oooh Maloo open your legs now…don’t let me injure you with this thing now, cooperate so it can go in😖”…Jules said, in a frustrated tone and tensed stare, I could tell she’s had enough of me. “Shhh, ishhh😣…ah! ah! Jules, it’s paining me😩…is there no other way😢?” I responded while I lay down, fighting my thighs from closing up on her fingers. God knows, I needed them to open up but my thighs played like the morning glory flower, it was a struggle getting them to stay open at night whenever Jules called. She thought I didn’t want to give in, but I couldn’t explain why we had to struggle our way through my vagina every night. Pathetic😞!

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This was our routine for more than a week, most nights I’ll cry and hope she forgets to call me up for it but no, Jules never forgot. She enjoyed taking care of me and will do anything to see I’m well and running. For me, the routine felt like exhausting my nine lives, getting them restored again only to die again the next night. Gosh😵! When will this be over😩😩?!

BEFORE THEN…

“Babe carry disinfectant pour inside hot water, siddon on top for like 10 minutes, all these itchings go stop in no time💁‍♀️”… oh Nelly, my roommate in sophomore year with all the ugly and good advice. Funny how her voice still replays very fresh in my head. I had been rigorously itching my vagina for days and needed a quick solution🥴. Nelly was always a go-to, but this time around, her solution wasn’t lasting. Despite her recommended disinfectant ritual (vagina steaming), the itching got even more intense that one time, I was tempted to use the cover of my pen to brush the lips of my vagina, hoping it will get better once and for all but no😭.

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After the unfruitful merry go round, I decided to pitch a tent in the hospital. “Doris *****! Doris *****!”… “Present Ma🗣!”, I responded hesitantly while raising my voice. If you’ve ever visited a hospital in Nigeria, especially the ‘general’ ones, you already have an idea of how the nurses scream names like uncultured vultures🙄.  “It’s time for your swab, walk through the corridor and enter the last room by the left”. While I journeyed through the corridor, the word ‘swab remained restless in my head. I kept wondering what manner of murder I signed up for. Ah! Swab?🤔 Or did she say swap😧? I got to the room and met four female nurses, one instructed me to take off my pants and lay on the bed. “Your pants ke?! Why😱?”… my mind was bombarding me with questions I had no answers to😤.

I couldn’t find my calm🥶, I laid down on the bed with my pants off and the nurse approached me with an equipment that had a cotton bud-like tip. Apparently, that’s the swab. Immediately my facial expression got sourer🤢. “Errm errm, what do you want to do🥺?” I managed to confront the nurse with a jittery tone. “I don’t have time for questions, open your legs wide please😐”(of course rudeness is the only surgery general hospital nurses perform 100 percent successfully🙄)…Ah! immediately I jumped off the bed and started weeping. If a 6th party had come into the room, he/she would have thought I was about to be sacrificed for rituals. “No! No! I am not opening my legs, I want to go home, I am not doing again😫😫”, I fell in a pool of my tears while staggering to wear my pants and Jean. Afterward, I picked my bag and stood by the door, staring at the nurses. It was like the scenario of a child warned by the mother not to go outside but he feels crying will make the mother let him so he weeps till infinity hoping to hear “Okay…go…”

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The nurses were confused. What sin could they have committed to warrant God blessing them with an adult who couldn’t take a simple seven-word instruction; “Lay down and open your legs wide”🤔.

“What’s wrong?” one of the nurses was kind enough to ask. “Please don’t put anything inside my vagina😫😫”…I yelled amid my crying profusely.

SOURCE OF MY FEAR

Zero thanks to Nollywood🙄🤡, a girl has sex for the first time or is raped in a movie and the amount of blood that trickles down her laps and soaks the behind of her dress is the amount of a mini- ocean🥴😵. And then the wails, no consolation prize could stop it😪😪. These movies messed with my childhood/teenage life, I hated sexual talk and could never have a successful fantasy of anything going close to my vagina; not even my fingers😤.

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And here I am, with four strange nurses, they better kill me because I’m not opening these legs. “Are you a virgin?”, one of them asked, I responded in the affirmative. “How come you have an infection?”. Well, I wouldn’t know🙄, not like I’ve been living a little in the ‘just the tip’ paradise with some boy anyway🙄. At that time, the hostel was a mess and my room was two rooms apart from the hostel toilet, poop flooded the corridor and there was no Noah’s ark to run to for refuge🤮. Dammit! the cleaners were on strike😩. Despite covering my nose whilst passing through the corridor, my pants were no bulletproof to save my vagina from receiving a bad gift😖. This was the only logical explanation I could link to me being infected. In the hostel, it was fondly referred to as toilet infection but the ‘too knows’🙄 said it was a Sexually Transmitted Infection. Who am I to argue🤷‍♀️?

Since I was afraid, the nurse told me to help myself but I couldn’t😔. I was so scared to touch my own body, what if I put it and blood starts gushing out and they can’t help🥴? I had a weird mental picture of things going south. Then she assured me they weren’t putting the whole swab inside, just the tip to get some fluid to run a test. With my heart in my mouth, I gave in😴.

AFTER THEN…

When the result came out, it was no news I had an infection, the only news which was in fact bad for me was that I was given vagina pills to insert daily inside my vagina🤯. Fucking hell!🤯 You and who😳?! I am a preacher of ‘complete your dose so the illness doesn’t come back’, but this was beyond me. I was going to discard the pills.

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On my way to my hostel, I called an older male friend who knew the whole ordeal. “Michael! I am dead😩! They gave me something to be putting inside, I can’t😩😫” I cried so much over the phone that people on the bus thought I must have lost someone. I wondered why I had to go through such, oh lord, have my sins overflown the cup you had to plague me with this😫? it appeared like a very severe illness to me, as a matter of fact, I had never heard of it until then. I went to Micheal’s hostel and that was when he called on Jules his bestie. I had met Jules on some occasion before then because we attended the same fellowship, unluckily for me, she was willing to help me😞. So sad, I needed someone at that time to support my motion of throwing the entire pills but no, elder Jules and Michael betrayed me☹. I packed my bags from the hostel and went to join Jules off-campus. It was an enjoyable time, asides from the first five nights where I had to open my thighs against their will so that Doctor Jules can insert the pills😖.

CARRYING MY CROSS WITHOUT SIMON OF CYRENE TO HELP

Finally, I became free from all the itching, it was time for holiday and I was home🤓. But guess who decided to not go on holiday? The Devil😢! About two weeks into the holidays, he plagued me with itching five times more than the last😩😩. Who do I run to😭? What if my mum thinks I’ve been having sex in school😭😭? Where the hell is JULESSS😵!! So many questions but the same answer. “Try Nelly’s advice again, maybe it could work this time”. Well, I did, but it failed🙄.

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I had to tell my mum in a strange way. “Ah toilet infection🤯!” she exclaimed. I took a deep relief breath🥵, thank God, she didn’t call it STI😊. She agreed to go to the pharmacy for me. The head pharmacist spoke to me over the phone and said since the infection came back despite completing my dose, it means I didn’t treat my sexual partner. What rubbish🙄?! What’s with everyone thinking everyone has sex🙄?! “Ah no oooo😱! Which sexual partner😳?!” I made sure to scream. She gave a boring laugh and said okay, then it’s cause I didn’t change my undies. Why on earth was this not the first thing she said for Christ’s sake😐! To think my mum heard all that crap.

My mum got home, bearing a bad gift. Vagina pills again😞! Oh, dear Jesus save me😩! She handed me the pills and prescriptions. How casual it is to say, does this woman even understand that I can’t do this myself😫?

AN AMAZING DISCOVERY

To God be my glory, after lying to her that I was almost done with the pills yet suffering a grave itch on the side, I finally came up with a solution🤓. I remembered I had a large part of a broken mirror in my room. I reached for it, put it on the floor, and squatted. The mirror was in-between, while my legs were wide apart🤭.

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For the first time in my twenty-one years of living this earth, I saw a vagina😱, my vagina🤯! And what she looked like. “Ewwwwww🤮”, I cringed and started crying because I didn’t know what to do next😫. I felt like a failure. Where do I insert these pills🥺? God! So I reasoned to let out a few drops of pee on the mirror, wherever the pee comes out from should be my answer.  To my surprise, the pee hole(urethral opening)  was as good as a full stop😳. I never knew, I thought we peed through the vagina you know. As the angels would have it, I saw another slimy opening that looked more rational than a full stop🤓. 

“Eisshh eiii🤢, uhmmmm😖”…  so much discomfort, inserting the pills myself in the vagina opening. I did that for five days not without the help of the mirror though. Whew!

SEX EDUCATION AT HOME?

I have been binge-watching MTV Shuga…I know right😏, I’m late to the party😌. But it doesn’t overlook the fact that the series is very educational; one of the scenes made me recall this version of my past and also the sexual awareness preached by the parent actors to their children💯. 

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Despite having to insert the pills myself, it didn’t make the sexual phobia (genophobia) go away😞. For a long time, I found myself cringing at the mention of sex or penetration🤢; those Nollywood rape scenes rented an apartment in my head for donkey years. I could never think of sex as pleasurable but too much blood and pain🤢. I couldn’t talk to anyone at home either. Kid you not, to date, the only time I and my mum were any close to talking about sex was when the pharmacists mentioned ‘sexual partner’. I somehow hoped that when she gets home, she will revisit the topic but apparently, she’s been practicing a ‘Fem’ ritual a long time ago even before Davido dreamt of preaching the message😊. Till today, some type of sex talks still feels discomforting but thank gracious Google’s always my first aid🤓.

I’ll like to know, do you or have you ever discussed sex with your parents or anyone in your family🤔? If yes or No, how does it feel😄? Do you wish any different😔? Also, like me, has there been a time where you found an amazing discovery concerning your body like I did with my vagina😄? If you’ve ever had a toilet infection or STI, how did you manage the phase🥺? And most importantly, did you ever pass through sexual phobia😖? Or you currently are🤢? What triggered it and how were (are) you able to deal with it? Let’s discuss this further in the comment section👇👇.

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