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9 min read

It’s weird to say this but it gets easier growing up as a Nigerian Queer. It was quite terrible when I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It was a lot. We all have our unique stories as gay men growing up in Nigeria but what is cut across the board is alienation from everyone else. You feel different and if you are an effeminate man, you’d be constantly reminded that you are actually different.

My name is Nonso and I grew up in Lagos, with a family of two sisters and a really terrible brother. Terrible because home would have at least felt like home if he didn’t live in it. I think it has more to do with men and their perception of you and how you should think and behave like them cause my dad was also almost like him. When I was six years old or so, I used to play dress-up with my little sister and we would put on a show for dad and mum, the whole family enjoyed watching except for my elder brother. As I grew older, I could see that it also started to disgust my father too. He probably thought I’d grow out of it but I didn’t. He wasn’t violent though, he never was, that was my brother’s job.

siblings rivalry
Source- Deviant Art

I really don’t blame my brother for being violent,  maybe he always wanted a brother and when I was born he was so excited to watch me grow and do ‘manly’ things with him. Well, I tried to like those things but it just wasn’t for me. One time I went to watch football with him and not once did I notice the ball but instead was blown away by the 22 gorgeous men on the field. 

SURVIVING THE OUTER WORLD

The bullying I faced as a child was more psychological than physical. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t exposed to society a lot. I never went out, I went to school and stayed quiet and apologized when I was noticed. The only physical abuse I remember was from my brother. 

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It was easier to survive in the outside world when I learned to be invincible. Talk less so nobody laughs at my voice. Fold my arms so I am not caught gesticulating. Walk around less so nobody laughs at my ass and how I walk like a turkey. With time I was invincible and yeah…it got easier. Didn’t have any friend but I was fine with that.

teenage gay stories in Nigeria
Source- Vadodaran

 

I knew something was wrong with me when I didn’t fancy girls the way my peers did. I remember the first day I got a hard-on when a boy touched me. I belonged to the choir department in the church and this new boy joined us. He sat beside me and started asking loads of questions and every time our eyes met or he touched me, I’d get hard. I moved away and went to sit somewhere else. I was only 14 and my prayer that day was that God amputates my dick or it stops functioning because most times I’d get hard and it won’t go flaccid for a very long time.

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Now school time…I couldn’t bathe in the public bathroom when I stayed in the hostel in university. It was always mad, embarrassing, and uncomfortable. My roommates made fun of me for hiding because they thought I didn’t like people seeing me naked.

What about the time I tried dating a girl? Total disaster!! I resolved to watch heterosexual porn cause I wondered why the boys really liked it. I thought that was why they liked girls or what made their relationship with them smooth. It never worked for me.

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To be honest this phase of my life was the loneliest. The fact that I didn’t know what I was or why I felt how I felt. I also couldn’t talk to my parents about it because I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. 

discovering your sexuality in Africa

WEARING MY TOUGH SKIN

As I grew older, the jokes became stale because it was the same old boring jokes I kept hearing. I tried to fix myself and it didn’t work, so I started to accept myself. Meeting more queer people made me bolder and more vocal about my sexuality.

Read: “I’m a 25-Years-Old Guy, and I Love Boys But…”

The first openly Nigerian queer I met was a breath of new air, finding out I wasn’t alone was the most exhilarating moment of my life. He was an older man, I was underage, naive but very inquisitive. I was in 200level in the university and he sort of took advantage of me by sweet-talking me on how much he liked me and proposing a relationship, just to get my guard down. We started having sex, the first time, I felt very guilty, dirty, and in pain but I wanted more. My body finally got what it wanted but it wasn’t enough. Even though I met the wrong person, I met someone who made my feelings make sense. With time I met more people and found dating sites, I started to learn what exactly I liked and what I didn’t.

coming out as gay in Nigeria

I learned more from people than from any books. I learned about hate from homophobes. I learned about religion. I saw the perspective of religion from religious people. I learned that parents love their children unconditionally: except when they are queer. I learned history and found people that were erased from it. Experience built me.

Read: My Crooked Smile Experience as a Lesbian in Nigeria

I wouldn’t say I’m out yet. I don’t know what exactly to call mine but I never deny it when the conversation around my sexuality comes up. If I’m not comfortable telling you about my sexuality, I don’t speak about it. For instance, I don’t see myself ever coming out to my parents, until the day they have the courage to have the conversation with me. They make side-talks and remarks about why I do certain things, behave a certain way or have certain kinds of friends but I don’t think these are comfortable grounds to start a conversation about my sexuality. 

cisgender Identity nigerian queer

For my friends, let’s just say I make conscious efforts to keep only non-heterosexual people as friends. The likelihood of me remaining friends with you if you don’t know my sexuality and you are a cisgender (man especially) is very slim. I’m not saying queer people are the best friends to have, I’m saying they are the safer and more rational friends to have. It’s easier to relate when I speak about myself and we learn from each other. Per marriage, I really do not have marriage plans. I don’t think it’s for me. Co- habilitation, definitely. I would want to spend my life staying with the people I love.

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Nobody has an opinion about my sexuality. If I accept you into my space, it’s left for you to come to terms with my sexuality or leave. This is why I have never really been close to my parents because I feel they don’t know enough about me (as parents). I can’t live in the same space with them and still have to hide, especially at the level of growth I am now at. Till they are ready, things will remain this way.

queer parenting in africa
Source- Best Life

THE CRIPPLING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE PROHIBITION ACT (SSMPA)

On a surface level, you may never be able to phantom the cruelty of the SSMPA, especially when you are a non-queer person. But when you consider minorities that are queer, you can at least imagine a fraction of how inhumane life feels like for them (except you own no soul). For instance, a poor fat disabled Muslim queer woman, struggling to survive already as a minority, and the death of all, having a law criminalizing you.

For the average queer person, if your social status protects you from the government, its citizens will use the law as an opportunity to harm you. A part of you is constantly being erased because “the law says…”. Constantly living in fear every day, at every gathering or meeting you are with queer people because you can be arrested, harassed, tortured, or killed with the backing of the law. And then the general overview; the law criminalizes queer marriage and anyone associated with them. Under Islamic or sharia law, it holds a death sentence.

LGBTQ Nigerian queer
Source- NBC news

How cruel…in Bauchi State, a law enforcer pretended to be a gay man to gain access into a meeting held for gay men on HIV/AIDS and its risks and how to have safe sex. He got the names of the people at the event, then arrested one person, used the person to arrest someone else and another and this went on. He would call them for a meeting, arrest them, take them to the police station, beat them up repeatedly and brutally until they finally got 168 names of supposedly gay people. The fact that they could use the phones of someone to contact others; an act that is illegal just shows how much that law validates the brutalization and harassment of queer people. It also shows how it shields younger queer people from learning more about their sexuality and navigating sex and other hurdles in relationships or life in general.

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Do you know what is worrying? The fact that before the law was passed, nobody was coming out proudly to say they are gay and getting accolades. No queer person ever protested marriage. Gay people were already getting beaten, disowned, and killed, so what exactly was the use of the law? It’s sad when you realize it was for political reasons. People’s lives were further endangered for political reasons.

SSMPA Nigerian queer
Source- Huff Post

It’s a wonder that queer people are still fighting and being vocal about being treated like animals with all these really scary circumstances. How bad can it get? As a Nigerian, you cannot exhibit any human right and as a Nigerian queer, you aren’t even recognized enough as human to start with. Nigerian queers are like catmint flowers, so beautiful with enough resistance to survive amongst weed and other harsh conditions. The growth is amazing. I feel so proud to be born in this generation and envy the coming generation. Vocal, and persistent. These are the features you start to grow after overcoming fear. I love it!

 

 YOU’RE ENOUGH!

I would love to round this up by telling young queer people that they are doing enough. Just existing is enough. Accepting yourself is enough. Resisting online with an anonymous account is enough. Navigate your sexuality however you like and with any kind of safety, you can think of, as long as it doesn’t ruin someone else’s life. Make mistakes and get up with your shoulder up because society has not given you enough room to get it right. Remember, the only people that can understand how you feel, are people like you. Queer people. LGBTQI+ people.

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Nigerian queer
Source- Futurelearn

Now I’ll love to ask some questions; to the queers who’ve come out, what other advice would you give to a young Nigerian queer trying to find his/her path in a country whose laws are structured against the LGBTQ community? To the straight folks, in all sincerity, the majority of you make it difficult for us to breathe, what are you willing to do differently as regards the LGBTQ laws in Nigeria? Do you think its fair and should be upheld? I’ll like to know your stand. Lastly, If you’re a queer, or unsure about your sexuality, identify in the comment section, share a bit about you. I’d love to read all of it. It’s pride month! a time of self-affirmation, dignity, equality, and increased visibility. Stab the shame and embrace the glory in your sexuality. Leave me your comments below, this should be an enlightening conversation. 😄👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

This might be the most selfish story you’ve ever read, but my heart wants what it wants. Hear me out and put yourself in my shoes, after all, we live in a dog-eat-dog world, right?

About two months ago at my workplace as a content creator, I  met this awesome lady, Kemi. She is a young Nigerian lawyer who serves as our legal consultant and content vetter. Although we were both employed on the same day, I had resumed work immediately at our Ibadan office while she was freelancing from Lagos, not until 3 weeks later, she relocated to Ibadan to join us.  To be honest, despite my being somewhat reserved around girls, I didn’t really like Kemi’s looks at first sight: she’s considerably shorter than me (I prefer taller girls), she’s black in complexion (I prefer lighter-skinned girls), she’s slim (oh, I love ‘em curvy and hippy and booby), and she isn’t that pretty without makeup (I have got a soft spot for natural beauty). 

Read: Finding Your Spec and Its Flip Sides

types of butt shapes her man

The first day was just a bland chitchat cum introduction. We talked about our origins and where we live in  Ibadan. I told her how I got to live in Oyo State (through NYSC) and we shared our undergrad experiences and life after finishing school. We didn’t really talk that much that day because my attention was focused on the job on my table, which took me the whole day. Yelps, creative thinking, and writing can be so draining and time-consuming! 

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Surprisingly, despite her not meeting my “visual spec”, I found a pal and chatmate in Kemi. My talks with the guys revolved more around work, cause they’re my seniors, married, and were training me for the new job I had just started with the firm. So, Kemi brought in some spice to my boring work life. Her table used to be next to mine until she was moved to a separate office. We gossiped about stuff like law and politics, our colleagues and boss, life in Ibadan,  and one or two other personal stuff. Gradually, I’ve become attracted to her intelligence (you can call me  ‘sapiosexual’, ikr), her sense of humor and sweet voice (my weakness, ugh! She has great command of the English language too), and her somewhat large dull eyes (I somehow love girls with big eyes lol,  don’t  know why). She has a nice personality and is resourceful in providing info on some of the things I ask (on legal matters and other stuff).  

coworkers romance her man

When she was moved to a new office, I was happy she’d gotten her own space, but was sad she was leaving my side. Absence they say makes the heart grow fonder, and this became my portion. Seeing her means I have to go over to her new office. This comes with the perks of being able to flirt and joke in her new space freely without the other colleagues connecting any obvious dots even though they can smell the fish as I more often spend many minutes inside her office before returning to my table (she vets most of my writings and I spoil her with fruit salads and movies which I download using our limited office Wi-Fi. Lol, crook like me!). 

TO MAKE A MOVE OR MOVE ON?

The obvious truth is that feelings are beginning to creep in from my side (don’t know about her). I am not sure if I should make a move for her. I like to take things slow and steady, especially matters of the heart. Even though I’m more logical than emotional, I still catch feelings, dammit! Jokingly we address each other as “my office boyfriend” and “my office girlfriend” because the friendship bond between us is growing stronger. When I enquired about her relationship life, she told me she was no longer in the dating market (whatever that means), that she has a guy she’s serious with, and that she cannot even consider marrying an Igbo man (I’m Igbo) because of potential troubles from her Yoruba family. And that was the only straw that broke the camel’s back lol. I hadn’t even started to make my move and I had already got the inkling that it wasn’t gonna work. I was emotionally paralyzed. I wanted more than just office companionship from Kemi. 

last straw quote her man

MY INTENTIONS

Actually, personally, I don’t think I’m yet ready for a committed relationship. I know I’m a proudly independent and a commitment-phobe (I’m kinda haunted by my parents’ dry and once turbulent marriage that I feel I’ll be a relationship tyrant like my dad.) which is probably why I’m still single  at 27 with no committed relationship with a girl. It’s kinda frustrating, coupled with my stutter-induced introversion and brokeness lol (relationship and love for Naija na money o. No girl wants to date you if you’re not reasonably comfortable in life and if you ain’t gonna spend reasonably on her). 

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Also, It’s difficult to find an irreligious Nigerian girl for a serious relationship, though. Aaargh!!! This is the pain that we Nigerian atheists and agnostics experience when you don’t wanna have to compromise your convictions by dating religious women. 

black romantic couple her man

All I want from Kemi Is just an emotional closeness outside work (movie dates, walks in the park,  restaurant outings, house visits, etc.) which of course will lead to a kiss and possibly I get to see her underpants and have her screaming my name when I smash her red potty with our bodies slick with sweat and desire. Hey, don’t judge me, please! In essence,  friends with benefits is all I want from her, without commitment. While I have been thinking of how my friendship with Kemi would advance her to my bed, my nemesis caught up with me:  emotional attachment. I’m starting to get possessive and jealous about her relationship with her boyfriend. 

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She always does video chats every blessed day with him in her office, and she seems to be happy with him. He earns more than I do in his working place, has a car he can borrow at will (I know a  little about him because one of my ‘village people’ is his colleague). He’s also religious like Kemi while I’m an agnostic former church boy. Kemi once told me her boyfriend is often boring and I guess she enjoys my company as much as I do hers. But she finds it appalling that a young Nigerian man like me doesn’t give much thought to African spirituality and organized religion as a whole. Kemi seems turned off by my irreligion and has asked me out to church for company. I’m hesitant about accompanying a girl to church. It doesn’t end well for me cause I don’t get to date or bang her afterward. I’m not a fuckboy per se, but I don’t wanna be a religious woman’s wrapper or head tie either. 

theist vs atheist her man

I WANT TO BE HER FIRST CHOICE!

I don’t like to be the second choice,  just like everyone else. Thing is, as it stands now, I don’t even know what I want to do. I like Kemi and I keep fantasizing about her perky boobs and how they’ll feel on my tongue. No relationship strings! The emotions I feel for her can be enough, for now, maybe it will metamorphose into something beautiful but until then, I want sex and play buddy in Kemi. I’ve hinted to her about something more between us but she doesn’t seem interested or is waiting for me to shoot my shot, or just playing me?  

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There was a day she wiggled her bum for me in her office while dancing to some music, and I got confused if she was sending any signal or just messing with my head (Lol, that day I was so tempted to go over and grind her ass but I restrained myself). I’m so hooked on her friendship and nice persona. I mean, you’d say I’m trapped in the fucking dreary friendzone! Aaargh!!! Not again! Dunno how to explain how I got here with Kemi! 

friendship zone her man
Source- Chicago Tribune

I’m aware she has a man but I want her so badly, not as a second choice. Common, I know I should be faithful to the bro code but mehn! It’s a dog-eat-dog world, right? Nigga’s are not smiling and I can bet that if the script was flipped and Kemi happens to be my woman, there’ll be some other guy who wouldn’t consider how I feel when he starts to chase her. Damn her man! I want her! Right now, it’s a ‘let the best man win’ situation for me.  Yes her man has more money than I do, what if he doesn’t know how to fuck her right or give her the tender love and care like I can? If she truly loves him, why will she wiggle her butt in front of me? That’s so calling and I figure there’s more she’s not saying. Also, why does it seem like she enjoys my company too much as she’s always giggling at my jokes lol? Who knows she might like me back yeah? 

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Do you think I have a chance of getting any ‘benefits’ from our friendship if I continue to be in her face? Will it be too direct or creepy to request for such a benefit or does it happen naturally? Even though she’s not my spec, I cannot stop drooling over how it feels to have her in my bed. Niggas please help me!! when a lady has a man, should it be an automatic backoff or should I still shoot my shot? How do I get Kemi to be mine forever (maybe). Ladies! I know how funny your gender is, but from your knowledge, do you think Kemi wants me badly too but is only pretending? Please advise a brother, Leave your comments below 😪👇👇.

 

 

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7 min read

You see butterflies in my belly, I love them. I love the mystery of what beautiful surprises love brings and when the love turns sour, I find myself still holding on to ‘what’ should have become. I’m holding tight to a lump of hot coal, despite being presented with a choice of ice.  When is it too late to say I quit? 

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I am a hopeless romantic and also a strong believer in love’s power to conquer all, which is why I have been in “the longest unmarried relationship” known to man. I met B in high school, I was that brute of a prefect while she was the beauty and brains. I had never really taken notice of her in any way except as a classmate, not until the day she cried because of me. Her friends ganged up and made sure I went to the library where she cried and consoled her. At that moment, I did more than consoling, I made promises that no one would ever make her cry again as long as I was around.

rejected my proposal
Source- Unsplash

B and I became close and as time went by, our closeness blossomed to something of the nature of a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She was my first kiss, my first tight hug, and my first dry hump. She made me want to write poetry. She didn’t care for them, but I wrote anyway. As we graduated high school, she allowed me to call her “girlfriend” but only to her hearing. No one else must know and I didn’t care. I was elated I now had a girlfriend, my first ever.

When Life Takes the Childhood Innocence Away…

You know as we age, we start to see more challenging sides to life, and our childhood innocence gradually fades. We suddenly want to be more and the most unfair side in all is that what might be more to you, might be as insignificant as a grain of salt to another. I’ve been writing since childhood and the zeal accompanied me to adulthood, I wanted badly to now be a professional writer.

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rejected my proposal
Source- Medium

However, B saw this as unambitious whenever I let her in on my fantasy about a cottage on a hill where I’d live and write on paper, and only step out to civilization when I am out of ink or my belly aches for food. She told me if I cared for a future with her I would pursue a more professional course. She told me how she’d want to marry a doctor, but since I have flair for the arts, I should consider becoming a lawyer and without much thought but thinking on the leverage of how much I’ll give to be with her forever, I immediately fell in love with the idea. 

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I did my poetic writing on the low, while I wrote jamb for a law degree. But Jamb had a very funny way of giving me below 200 on my scores. B told me I lacked concentrations, and I agree. I didn’t want to be a lawyer but still told myself I could do it so that I could finally win her heart. So I quit writing, left my dream of writing for the screens, and tried Jamb for two years subsequently.

rejected my proposal
Source- ABA law student division

I would always imagine the titles “Barrister and Dr Mrs” and it made me smile deeply. Power couple. Though she didn’t get to be a doctor, she became the next best thing, a Pharmacist. As you might have guessed I didn’t become a lawyer, I did even better, I gave up one creative thing for another. I became a  Carpenter. 

The Longer You Date, The more Breakups In Between

Folks who have been in a very long relationship can relate to the fact that in between these long years, there are usually break-up and makeup phases. B and I for one silly reason or the other usually took a lengthy break from each other. 

Amid our breakups, I dated a few girls and she dated a few boys, even kissed some that I knew of. She stayed a virgin, a promise to herself. I lost mine over and over again. On one of such makeups she found that I wasn’t a writer no more but now a woodworker (carpenter). She was disappointed! She didn’t take it well, and when she is mad you’d know. It takes me weeks to heal from her spoken vexations. They are usually venomous but she often means well. However, she told me I could still make it as a lawyer, I was selfish enough to promise I’d become what she wanted. While waiting to become what she wanted, she’ll always get angry whenever I addressed myself as a carpenter and often told me to address myself as an “interior designer” for status sake. But I never listened so it made us drift often.

A Merry-Go-Round Proposal

After 7 years of on and offs, with her pushing me to “better” myself career-wise, I proposed the first time, she said I wasn’t ready. Of course, I wasn’t, I still lived at my mum’s. I proposed the second time, she said despite having an apartment and a few contracts now, that it wasn’t enough, adding that I needed serious job security. She offered to pay for my tuition to study a more serious course that could earn me more money. I declined because I am too proud to accept that in my financial state and then what if I don’t give her the life she wanted.

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So we broke up and made up, yet again. Finally, I agreed, I would quit this thing that I love (carpentry), and leave the country with her and be just what she wants. Half of me wanted this because most of me wanted her, she encouraged me and told me it was for the best.

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 Yet again I proposed this time with a bigger stone. I made sure my right knee did the needful, while I balanced myself on my left knee too. She cried, held my face as I looked at her smile washed down by her tears. And her words were filled with deep emotions as she spoke to me. “I have waited for so long for you to do this right, but I am sorry, others already did it right”.

rejected my proposal

I was so hurt, I got up not knowing how to feel, and as I was about leaving she held me and said “Please don’t go. I am not saying yes neither am I saying no. I am so confused right now, please give me time to pray. Please I beg you, I need just three months to pray”. My feelings defeated, I agreed and left her.

An Overdue Prayer Session and a Precious to Behold

Three months turned to four months, four months turned to lock down, everybody became busy trying to stay alive. A year and two months after my B began to pray, and one day off the blues she chatted me up and said “God said it’s you!”

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I was so excited that I forgot I was broke, how was I to even begin to cater for a wedding? Stupid right? I love B so much and even more despite the long cold wait. I told her I wasn’t financially ready for a wedding and she was angry but gave me time to put my shit in order. Finally, I gathered and ordered the marriage list, but before I could go pick it, came Precious.

Black couples look best together | Lipstick Alley

Precious is young, beautiful, intelligent, soft-spoken, and admires me. More importantly, she is so in love with my carpentry and asks me not to change for anyone. In a month of knowing her, she has looked up ways that I can become a better carpenter and it is paying off. She asked me herself if I would marry her, and in something that feels like double jeopardy, I said YES YES YES!

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She wakes me up with prayer messages to remind me that I am more than enough and what exactly she prayed for. I know it’s short timing, but within it, I have felt a kind of love I have never felt before. Love devoid of begging but cherishing. Someone who loves me for me and not the idea of what more I can become. It’s opened my eyes to how much pain I endured with B and I don’t think I want to go feel such pain again.

rejected my proposal

Bear in mind that B rejected my proposal three times, now she’s crying her heart out, saying I am ruining us, especially now that she has told folks that she is gonna be my wife. While Precious tells me that I am the best thing since jollof rice and treats me in ways I have always begged for but never received. I am torn between my promises of a happy ever after to B and a hunger for what Precious feeds me every day.

I finally opened up to B about Precious and she’s been pleading for another chance to make things right. Dear Mutterers, I am so confused. I need your candid advice on what to do. Please leave me your honest comments 👇👇

 

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9 min read

Dear mum, do you sometimes feel like my social life is ruined because of the man you married? I see it in your eyes, whenever you talk about some specific kids my age, the opportunities they get, and how you wish one of your kids will at least catwalk in similar shoes. You want more, I see it but for the most part, you’re scared you would never get it. The entirety of your wanting more is for your kids and you’re too scared to admit that things could have been more bliss but for the glitch in parenting. I know deep down when you have your sober reflections, you cut a larger piece of the blame for yourself. You detest the social awkwardness your children suffer but unfortunately, it is who we are now. Don’t be too hard on yourself mum, or fault the stricken strictness of your husband, I must confess, I’ve grown to enjoy the beauty of my personhood, I’m entertained by my baby steps even in adulthood.

Dear Mum
Source- Curly Nikky

Why worry about my love life mum? Did you expect I would have tied the knot so easy? You did I know, and it’s a shame. How do you plant corn seeds and expect to reap big tubers of yam? Every time you say “Ujunwa you must marry o, onye amuru na amu ibe ya (He that is birthed must birth)”, I get attracted to the frustration that strengthens the tone of your voice and the confused rotation of your eyes. You hate my nonchalance towards marriage I know, hence me making sure my first response is usually “Na so” (a payback maybe). Even though you emphasize my age, I know it’s the least of your worries. You’re scared something is wrong with me psychologically, you regret not creating a bond between us from inception. Well, I used to be a lot in my feelings when I was much younger about this, especially when I hear someone say “My mum is my best friend”, I lowkey hated them for having what I could never have, but along the line, I figured it’s still surreal to have best friends who are not mums. 

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dear mum
Source- Proverbs 31

Hmmm, mum, you mean to tell me that one day, I’ll have to foot the bills of my kids as you and Dad do? Scary shit! I think of you sometimes and I wonder how rich you’ll have become if you didn’t birth any kids. “Mummy this! Mummy that! Mummy this” from every corner of the home even down to the extended family. When I was younger, I was lowkey scared, I thought you needed help psychologically because there was rarely a time I’ll barge into your room and not find you talking to yourself. “Watch mummy, she’s always talking to herself”, I once hinted at my sister frightfully, but the she-goat wasn’t as sensitive. Reminiscing on those moments as an adult, now I can relate. The bills were so overwhelming, I bet you cried your eyes silly sometimes but stupid me always bragged to my friends in high school about how rich my parents are. It’s not my fault, there was not one thing I asked that you didn’t make sure was provided, even when dad reiterated how trivial it was, you made sure I and my siblings got it.

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I had never felt so much guilt spending your money until the conversation we had some time last month and you openly said your salary before you retired banking was N120,000. What!! I held myself throughout the gist and amid the laughter, I was breaking inside and that night I suffered a lack of sleep and shed a few tears thinking about you and how much dad’s salary would have been too because he was also a banker. The salary you used in sustaining a home was my first job salary which I considered too small, I still cannot imagine how you were able to send 5 kids to good schools, clothing, feeding, etc. I regret tripling my school fees and money for handouts, I guess I was influenced by my brother who one time said to me “Anything they ask you to pay for in school, better double it, mummy and daddy have money, they’re just pretending”. For some reason, these words stuck with me through university, If I had known how much you were earning I swear I would have been considerate.

dear mum
Source- Alpha Image

The Sex Conversation

Another thing I’ll be shocked to find out is if you still have sex mum. I watch you and sometimes your eyes tell that you’re unhappy for some key reasons yet you run with the bias that “mothers are supposed to keep the home, and not show fragility!” I see how you smile watching your favourite sitcom, ‘The Johnsons’, especially the hilarious lovey-dovey scenes of the couple characters Emu and Lucky. You wish you could share love gestures like that with your husband huh? I know. Do you still have sex? I doubt. I figured you got tired of wanting some things and adjusted, now you’re such a good actor who suffers a romantic awkwardness with her husband. I wish we could have a sex conversation, I long to know your definition of a spark and your fantasies about marriage. It’s glaring there’s a lot you hide in those cupboards locked in your eyes.

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I know you’re eager to know if I’m sexually active too but you’re not sure if my answer will break or merry your heart. You could have asked during the Vagina pills conversation, but you blew your shot by feigning ignorance as usual. Well, I suffered genophobia for decent years and all I needed were the words of a mum or better put, my mum, holding my hands and saying summarily to me “It’s not that deep”

Genophobia dear mum
Source- Deviant Art

 

The Death Conversation

I hate how brutally honest you’re with death, although you’re dramatic when you cry over death, yet your move on is superb. When I lost my close friend Blessing and always cried my eyes out and got scared to sleep, I hated how you handled it. “You better stop crying, your friend has left this wicked world and you’ll leave one day too”, despite admitting you’ve never seen me that broken yet you refused me succour. You said the bitter truth though but still…you made me question your tendencies of being heartless especially when I hinted at seeing her in my dream and you quickly rebuked it. I went on to ask if you’ve seen your late father in the dream and with a much covered up hostile tone, you responded  “What for? My father is resting peacefully, only dead people who are bad are seen in dreams”. This tops the list of  the ignorant things  you’ve ever said.

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If you die today Mum, I’ll still love to host you in my dreams just to have you echo my name, and annoy me with silly chores like calling me on the phone to help you get something from the fridge even though you’re seated literally at arm’s length from the fridge. I’ll still love to see you for sometime mum. You’re right about the need to move on after death, I just hate your approach in telling it.

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donate a penny muttering minds

A Few Yet Huge Lessons

You are not among the most popular or powerful women in the world, not every mum is. We might not have had any tangible mother-daughter conversation, it doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything from you. I have learned so much. Ooo boy! You’re a fervent preacher of ‘Savings’, although I somewhat hate how you preach it harshly and remind me of impending sufferings if I do not adhere. I know you think I’m a dummy in this aspect but ever heard of the saying “Never tell your parents how much you’re earning and how much you’ve saved”? Don’t be scared, I have some little saved. And your trenchant wit quote “Not having money is a sin” has become my mantra too, again don’t be scared, I wouldn’t end up poor.

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I learned the beauty of  “Support being reciprocal” from you. When I observed that sometimes the blended tomatoes in the house is sometimes sour and other times sweet. I asked why and you opened up about rotating two different sellers. I complained that you ditched the bad tomato seller but you told me it wasn’t possible because both women buy from you. You added that support is reciprocal and that even if it meant having to eat not too good tomatoes for a week, you’ll bear it. Since that conversation mum, I make sure to support every friend’s business who reads my blog as much as I can. However, in an attempt to practice rotating among my two cloth vendor friends who are dedicated readers of my blog, like the bad tomato seller, one served me shitty customer service, to date, I have not gotten my dress. My encounter is not to nullify your lesson on support but opens my eyes on the unreliable nature of some folks.

lessons from my dear mum
Source- Purpose Focus Commitment

*******

Dear mum, most of the words written here are the conversations I wish we could have or you should know. This should be the right opportunity but unfortunately, you don’t read my blog. No, I’m not pissed, I promise. I only feel it’s a subconscious tit for tat as I hate to unhook your bra on most occasions. No hard feelings, only that you mostly show up when I’m having a not-so-good time.

ABOUT YOUR MUM

Last week was mother’s day and before it,  I’ve been asking some close friends when exactly is Mother’s day cause I know there’s usually an established confusion with the dates, all thanks to varying church denominations. I had prepared pointers for this story some months ago and felt having it published on Mother’s Day would be great but how unfortunate, I missed the rapture. I was amused to see “happy mothers day mum”, on almost everyone’s story last Sunday and went on to query my friend Bubu for not keeping me abreast. Her hilarious response via chat was “Who you blame? This one is not acknowledged on Google, they said this one na pentecostal mother’s day, catholic’s own is still coming, then the one that is recognized worldwide is on its way too”.

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Hmmmmm, rather than miss the next and even the next, I decided to have this post come up today because there’s every likelihood that I’m gonna be caught unaware the umpteenth time. Do you know the recognized date for Mother’s day?

Mother's Day letter
Source- Learned English

Anyway, I want us to talk about our mothers today, not in the cliche way that we’re fond of, for instance “My mum is the best mum in the world”, you know that’s a fallacy right? I want this version of describing mums to be real, vulnerable, and unique. Those little and big bits you’ve observed about your mum, those words you wish you could say, conversations you should have had, let’s talk! Telling some sides of the story will most definitely hurt you, or make you tear up like I did when writing this, but I want you to be vulnerable in telling. If your mother is late or peradventure you were abandoned as a child, I urge you, don’t feel left out, please share. I’m sure you have memories and if not, there are still some things you wish you could say to them. Feel free.

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Like you’ve read mine, please leave yours in the comment section so we can all learn. You might not be able to write as long as I did, but I’m sure you can pick an intense part of the narrative to relay. So shall we👇👇.

 

 

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8 min read

And if you die, and all that happens is nothingness, how would you feel? My question is pointless because since it’s nothingness, you cannot feel anything. Your body lays in the wait; for a moment you’re still fresh, then you bloat, and thereafter metamorphose into active then advanced decay. How unfair, all you lived for was to end up becoming a bag of bones, six feet under the ground, if care is not taken, your graveside is shown no respect too as it becomes a stop, sit and gist hub for tired buttocks and wagging lips in the neighborhood. How unfair… let’s not even suffer further trauma by telling about those bodies whose fate lies at the mercy of pivotal and sometimes pointless scientific experiments. God forbid I end up a cadaver!

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Have you ever wondered what happens when you die? Well, I have many times, sometimes I think of it as a long sleep whereby I’m aware and struggle to wake like a comatose but I can’t and that becomes my eternal punishment. I sometimes see myself wandering in an open green field, waiting for a sunbeam in the skies, and then the voice of the creator chips in to tender a list of my sins and decides if I belong to heaven or hell (movies made this possible for my memory to create)

you die
Source- Reddit

 

My Personal Bias for Heaven and Hell

By birth and an average sense of thought, I like to believe that I’m a Christain but for as long as I’ve been familiar with the words heaven and hell, I’m unashamed to say despite all that I’ve read in the religious books, I still find the concept of hell absurd. They say the good guys who believe in Christ will make heaven but the good ones who do not know Christ will go to hell, likewise the bad ones. Hmmmmmm what if I’ve been good all my life but the circumstances surrounding my birth didn’t welcome me to christ? I mean if a person is born of atheist parents whereby they grow up not knowing anything about the church, yet very good at heart, does that mean they’ll make hell?

Read: Why Is God Planning to Eternally Tortue Many More

The world is too hard already, why do some of us have to suffer an afterlife of torment? Weeping? Wailing? Gnashing of teeth? Darkness? Burning? Everlasting punishment? And to say the peak, it’ll be beyond anything humanly imaginable. Why? I didn’t ask to be birthed but here I am, trying my best to make heaven. There are many things in the world I’ve been fashioned to fight for and death which is supposed to give my soul a blissful rest also has a prize attached to it?

you dieUsing the most basic example; as a baby, I had to win the race of learning how to walk, then I graduate to nursery school, learning the ropes of ‘how to come first’ in class, this doesn’t stop even in elementary where I still even had to ensure I passed my Common Entrance Examination. And in the secondary journey, there’s still the “come first in class” mentality. Then there is JAMB, and the university too… thereafter job hunting, which metamorphoses into a need to ‘come first in life’, be successful! Let’s not forget amid all these, other areas of life showcase themselves to break and shape me mostly without my will. You mean after all this hassle, I am not guaranteed heaven?

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you die

And then the people who commit suicide too, automatically wins an exclusive lounge in hell? A person who commits suicide wanted out of life’s rat race and hoped that their soul can finally rest but you mean to say hell becomes their comfort? Nah! It doesn’t make sense.

 

My Personal Bias For the Creation Story…

“If God didn’t want evil to exist, why did he create the tree of knowledge of good and evil?” I’ve asked a few of my religiously inclined friends this question severally but no one has been able to provide me with a soothing answer to run with. God knew what evil was, he could have created just a tree with no strings attached but he did this. Is it sage to say he is the origin of every evil existing in the world?

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you die angels singing

A friend responded to my question saying that God did not want a dictator relationship with man, thus blessing us with free will to choose good or evil. But I still think it’s absurd. Since he sees the end from the beginning, creating a tree for face value would have saved me from this backbreaking heavenly race. Everything on the earth should have been created good and we’ll still live our lives perfectly, after all, what I don’t know wouldn’t harm me. Better still, God would have just left all of us in heaven, singing praises to him.

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And then the prince of evil, the incredibly fallen angel…the devil…why does he have the fame of the earth? Couldn’t he have been crushed by God at the very foundation of his rebellion? I know a lot of Christians will defend this with scriptures indicating that the devil got nothing on a person so long as they have given their lives to Jesus, but I’ll still maintain that he shouldn’t have been featured on earth. Why was he not crushed? I mean crushed in the sense that man didn’t have to even know that he once existed at all. Then I’m also tempted to ask, how did the devil know too much to rebel against the almighty? how is it that seed of rebellion grew in his heart? Remember he was among the host of angels there before the tree of knowledge was created.

you die creation story

A Fault in the Book or…

“Okay so, do you believe in the rapture”, my friend Jules asked me the other day at the saloon and my response was “I do not care what the religious books say, my guts don’t believe it, so you mean to tell me a certain time will come and the soldiers for christ will ascend into heaven? Nah!” Jules requested that I read the book of revelation for more insight.

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The truth is I’ve done so in time past, but my guts won’t welcome it. There’s a way that my mind works, it works in a way that I trust over religion. My mind is a conscious yet subconscious selective reader of anything and this includes the bible. It reads every part and selects a truth to abide by and the rest that look like too much, it doesn’t let it take root. For a fact, I do not believe the world will ever come to an end, I believe birth and death will always occur and if there exist judgment, every man shall face theirs as soon as they die. I find it rather humorous that there will be an ascension of the so-called righteous ones and then the beast and his league torments the rest on earth. The whole concept of rapture makes me believe there’s a fault somewhere in the documentation of the bible, perhaps some group found it a worthy opportunity to test their imaginary skills.

rapture you die
Source-Bible.info

Likewise the questions I asked about the creation story, I feel it strongly in my guts that there’s a misrepresentation somewhere. A whole lot amiss and as a freethinker, I cannot help but poke.

Believe and Death…

I know you have one too many questions on your mind as you’re reading this and I presume the most dominant is “Does this writer believe in God?” Yes I do, I’ve felt him in too many to count instances in my life to not believe him. The most recent is praying to him to heal my dog who suffered a hematoma on her left ears. I couldn’t afford the vet bills and it pained me to see her groan in pain daily. She lost all the butterflies in her stomach, refused meals even her best meals, and grew weaker each day. I felt helpless, all I could do was pray to God and in about a few weeks, the hematoma burst open, thus relieving her of the pain. She’s better now.

you die dog hematoma
Source- Upland Ways

 

I know some vets reading this will say “ooooh well, that was bound to happen”…Hell yeah! That was God coming through for me. I enjoy my personal relationship with God, I believe in him too much, he lives in my mind and the love we share is not necessarily based on what the religious books say or what the man on the pulpit tells me to believe about him.

you die

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And then I think of death again…there used to be a time that I usually reasoned that it is unfair that I’ll one day have to die especially comparing myself to Methusela who lived 969 years on earth. Most of the unfairness I felt dwelt on the fact that I wouldn’t even live up to half his age on the earth. And one time, a question struck my mind “What will you be doing for that long on the earth? Are you not tired of the unending rat race already?” It dawned on me that death is the ultimate peaceful solution. Can you now see why the concept of hell irks me so bad? If truly there is a hell after, then the best option for me will be nothingness after death. I’ll prefer to be a bag of bones six feet under with no memory of the world or me than to land a place in hell. It’s either heaven or nothingness for me. But again, no one knows what happens when we die. I do not care what the religious book says, we haven’t heard live scores from anyone who died before concerning what it’s like. So until we die, fingers crossed.

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you die
Source- When You Die

I know when any topic on death or especially religion comes up, people see it as an avenue to argue tooth and nail. No! That’s not my aim for this story, I felt the need to voice these off my mind as it’s been burning for a long time now. On this note, I’ll like to ask you, do our minds correspond in any way? Or contradict as regards all I said? It will be a privilege to also hear your personal high held opinions concerning death, the afterlife, heaven and hell, and other celestial reservations you might have. Like I said, no arguments, just tell me how it really feels in the deepest below of your mind. Leave me a comment, please😶👇.

 

 

 

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8 min read

If you lose your voice at a pharmacy while requesting to purchase a condom or contraceptive because of how embarrassing you think it is, now imagine trying to purchase a pregnancy kit and thereafter requesting an abortion. It’s a blend of too many ugly emotions; you automatically feel you’re a walking disgrace especially knowing you are unmarried. And not excluding the unfriendliness of the medical practitioners in this part of the world who rather than carry out their job decides to play the role of a moral watchdog to your conscience.

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The thought of abortion, talk more of carrying out the act, has since time past raised a lot of eyebrows and this makes me even more aware that my story will also trigger your brows up too (but I hope you don’t judge me, at least not too much).

abortion
Source- Light House

A new month was close to being over and I hadn’t seen my period. I was sexually active but since I’ve been careful for as long as I recall, I refused to accommodate any cause for alarm. But it started to feel like the month was watching me feel all relaxed, so it started to speed off. I became scared, I tried to recall my sexual escapades…” But I used a condom or didn’t I?”. Oh God! I fondly exclaimed anytime the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind. I began to beg God that if he takes the imagined pregnancy away, I’ll never have sex again in my life. The paranoia I felt praying for my period was intense. I begged God that even if it came with so many cramps, I wouldn’t mind, gosh! Anything to see my period at that time.

After a fruitless wait for my period, some weird symptoms became very noticeable in my body. I shoved it away and tagged it as my mind playing tricks but deep down I knew there was something wrong. I got into another phase of contemplating the shame and rehearsing how to walk into a pharmacy with a stone-cold face and purchase a pregnancy test kit so I’ll know the way forward.

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Early Symptoms of Pregnancy abortion

I had been having sex with my ex, I know right! I bet your eyebrows just raised a bar. But it’s been hard to let go and to cut the story short, it’s very COMPLICATED. I let him in on how I had been feeling for a few weeks and the clown was happy. He wanted me to keep the baby if I confirmed it and agreed to make us official.

                                                                 

Finding Out and Contemplating an Abortion…

My greatest nightmare came true, I was pregnant. The stripe test read positive ooo and tell you what, it was the fifth one, I was so in denial that I kept purchasing different brands of test kits until I finally accepted the truth.

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The smile, the rage, and fear I had swirling around inside me. I was legit laughing, crying, and shaking. Apart from being mentally and financially unfit to mother a child, MY MUM!!!! She’ll kill me. The news of a coming child is good but the circumstances surrounding it can make it bad. Getting pregnant out of wedlock too wasn’t part of the plan.

Abortion pregnancy scare

Breaking the news to my ex that I was three weeks gone, he was happy but I wasn’t having it. “I’m not keeping the baby, I need funds to have an abortion”, I said to him crying. He got so pissed, sad, and was for a while speechless. He’s rich, hardworking, and handsome and the ideal man most ladies dream to have in their lives, so fending for a baby wasn’t his problem. But I cannot! A child in my life right now will ruin and halt too many things that involve climbing my career ladder. Again I have this phobia for marriage (a close example is that of my parents), it will be terrible enough to get into it for the sake of a child, and no way in God’s name will I take on the title of a baby mama either.donate a penny abortion

Despite trying to persuade me and refusing to send me the money, my mind was still bent on an abortion. Hello!! It might be your baby I’m carrying but it’s my body we’re talking about here, I can’t keep this child. After more back and forth, he sent the money but refused to follow me to the hospital.

abortion
Source- Pulse Nigeria

My Search Journey for a Coded Ultimate Solution…

Talking about abortion like I mentioned earlier is taboo, so I became very careful about who to talk to. I asked very few friends who had at one point or the other in prior conversations made mention of knowing someone who knows someone that has used certain drugs or had done a D & C abortion surgery.

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I finally got a name of a particular drug to purchase but all the pharmacies I visited in my neighborhood succeeded in making me look foolish. It was either no response or an unclear one accompanied by a judgmental stare. I got tired and began to read up on pills on Google and this even made me weaker. It mostly hinged on the complications especially in cases of having leftovers. Also reading that aborting via drugs was a slow process and I needed to have someone by my side for the first three days became discouraging. I needed to get rid of it once and for all.As Abortion Restrictions

I left home to avoid any suspicion from my mum to a friend’s place who I eventually opened up to. I really thank God I did cause asides that she was so caring, she happened to have a link to a doctor who knew about D & C operation. I spoke to the doctor over the phone and after a series of confidential questions, he scheduled an appointment.

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During the appointment, a scan was recommended so as to know the location of the fetus. The scan detected a thick form developing already but the lab attendant advised that I waited till after 2 weeks before they could see anything. “TWO WEEKS!!” I laughed quite dangerously, it’s like he missed the memo, he thought it was a blissful phase for me. Hell no! I took the scan result to the doctor immediately who advised me to run a blood test to be sure, well it still came out positive.

pregnancy blood test abortion

“Miss ******, you’re pregnant, what do you want to do now?”, lol, these people must think I came here for laughs. That was quite some humor though, the doctor got some sarcasm. “You don’t want to keep it, why now? didn’t you know when you were enjoying yourself?” oooh! Now he’s beginning to act as my assistant conscience. I thought we already discussed this? Long story short, after proper checks and documentation, and advice that I get an IUD afterward, we proceeded for the abortion which was successful but not without terrible pains.

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 About the IUD… it’s a form of family planning. A copper IUD was inserted into my uterus. It’s a small t-shaped coil with a rope that was cut a little but I can still feel it whenever I insert my finger in my vagina. I’m grateful the doctor introduced that to me actually because these days you really cannot put all your trust in condoms. He also noted the IUD cannot prevent infection.

The coil (IUD) abortion
IUD Coil (Image source Net Doctor)

 

The Disturbing Images and Guilt After…

When I mentioned ‘not without terrible pains’, it’s no joke. I had never felt so much pain before in my life. The pain became a pain even in my memory. For a long time, I couldn’t get over the images of him sticking a device into my vagina to suck out the pregnancy blood. Gosh! I screamed in tears, I wish I was given anesthesia because the pain was terrible. I for one resolved it was the punishment I had to bear. He kept sticking this big device in, pumping and pumping while all I could do was scream repeatedly.

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My memory wouldn’t let go of the result of all he pumped out. He presented it to me before disposing of it like he knew it would hunt me later. For a while, my mind kept playing tricks that there was a half-formed baby inside the pool of blood. Lowkey, I was depressed.

Depression after abortion

I had no doubt about wanting an abortion; I felt it was my best choice. But however afterward, the guilt hits. I felt too much guilt, especially the day I went to church and my pastor made a call on women seeking the fruit of the womb. The numbers had me cringing; “see people looking for kids and I took my own away”, the guilt slapped so hard. Thanks to my friend who talked me out of it, according to him the devil is trying to mess with my mind and I mustn’t give in.

donate a penny abortion

But should abortion be tagged as a sin? I couldn’t fend for a child, so I had to get rid of it. I felt so messed up recalling all the anti-abortion Christian talks and morals from elders. But wouldn’t it have been crueler for me to birth a baby and be negligent towards its need? More than guilt, I feel more relief knowing I’m not pregnant (yet). If you ask me, I’ll say that abortion should be legal in every country and more open for discussion rather than in secrecy. Although legalizing it might welcome more promiscuity, but I’m certain it will help reduce the population of starving kids as well as incompetent parents.

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abortion muttering minds

To the ladies reading my story, have you ever had an abortion? Did you suffer from guilt afterward?  What were your coping mechanisms? Also, what will do if you wanted an abortion and the father of the baby refuses? To the men, have you ever been at crossroads in getting your lady to have an abortion or not? Generally, I’ll love to know your sincere take on abortion. Thank you Muttering Minds for allowing me to share a part of my maybe ‘ugly’ past (depends on your view). Please I’ll appreciate your comments and maybe advice👇👇.

 

 

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9 min read

Love is patient, love is kind, it doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast blah blah blah…really?! And why is ‘Funny’ not included as a quality of love, and how about ‘Premium Tears’? 😭Enough with Corinthians already😪! This verse of the bible is more than enough reason for me to clench to my unpopular opinion that the bible was made for a certain people at a certain time on earth. And if you ask me, just like constitutions need amendment every once in a while, the bible does too but that’s not our topic for today😶. So breathe🙇‍♀️…

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How many people have you loved on this earth? No, excluding your family members and the platonic friendships you’ve had. I mean the love that felt like love and made you fantasize a happy ever after but unfortunately, your ship sunk in the Bermuda Triangle🤭, leaving you to lick your wounds whilst premium tears rolled down from your eyes😭. Isn’t love funny? one moment you think THIS IS IT! And the next moment you’re rehearsing OMO X 100000000🤣.

should you take back your ex?
Source- Cosmopolitan

I was talking to my friend the other day and one talk led to another and then he started to gist me about an old lover of his who suddenly showed up in his life after he announced his flamboyant engagement online🤣. She had a scroll of things to say, things she never said while they were dating, and even while the premium break up tears were still fresh😏. She had to wait 6,000 years, maybe she thought it would be better to report him to Jesus directly hence her remaining mute, but unfortunately for her, Jesus is still soon to come👩‍🦯.exes

Hmmmmm it dawned on me that we are similar, me and her, and likewise you, and many other folks out there🤫. I’ve dated a handful of boys and some men. I have seen myself happy in love and also have my head hit the wall severally to cure my pain🥲. I’ve had a great time laughing in bed, most times naked, communicating my love to the best of me, and exchanging saliva and intellect too🤤. I’ve also had a downtime weeping for love while IN LOVE, I yearned for one that spoke my language, covers my flaws and the flawed inattentiveness of these men🤦‍♀️. Not that I was entirely good too, some of these men found me too slow, some, very threatening to their ego💁‍♀️. In all, we loved till we were unable to anymore.

Letting go of love doesn’t erase the memories, it doesn’t erase the secret thoughts we shallow buried in our minds🥺. These thoughts hurt sometimes and if only we had one more opportunity to converse with our ex-lovers and let them all out… if only…👩‍🦯

unsent letter to my ex
Source- We Heart It

 

Dear Panda:

I choose to address you as ‘Panda’ because it soothes your personality😊. No, you are not fat, but everyone loves a panda because their personality looks soothing and cute just by mere looking, and so is yours🤗. Before we started dating, I had a deep crush on you and carefully carved my steps so you’ll notice me😏. And the first day we spoke remains the only time I’ve ever been happy to come home and not find the house keys🤣🤣. If my sister had left the keys, you wouldn’t have found me stranded to involve me in a conversation🤭. The first mistake of our love was having it in secrecy and no darling, I do not blame you, I was barely 18 and my elder brother will slit your throat if he found out😑. Then again, you loved the church (I hope you still do🤥), and was the hero, the peacemaker, the exceptional final year student, the first son…yen yen yen😑… so many titles that made you feel it was a grave sin against your God and mankind when we had our first kiss and precum wetted your boxers😶. 

exes

“I feel like I’ve sinned, getting romantic with you made me feel so dirty…When I was young, a prophet told my mother that I shouldn’t be involved with a lady…” Wait! How many hours did it take you to rehearse these lines before you interrupted my beauty sleep for midnight calls🤣🤣? Till today, I wonder how a twenty-something-year-old would leave an 18-year-old hanging with some talk coated in cowardice😏. You really wish I was scared of prophets🤣. Well, because of you, I now hate religious fanatics, avoid first sons like a plague, and men who are book smart but street dull👩‍🦯.

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exes
Source- Wiffle Gif

Let’s be fair, for an 18-year-old, I tried, I communicated unlike you who would rather visit your religious book to select words to say to me☹. After dragging both ends of the rope with hopes that when I got into the university, we’ll have a share of freedom to properly love, you still had some hogwash lines reserved for me🥺. “Hey mama! Just have fun, blend with the environment, don’t feel limited to explore”…this was after I asked you if you were still in. What a shame you couldn’t declare your lack of interest boldly🙄. For a fact, I’m thankful you left actually because I surely exploreeeeeeeddddddd and you my love, would have been a burden👩‍🦯. 

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In all, thank you for evoking the writer skills in me🥰. Before I met you, I thought writers descended from space but seeing you write kickstarted my own journey🤗. I still have your writings in my journal.

how many exes you got?
Source- Skill Share

Dear Tortoise

The one who is very likely mistakened for slow but you are fire😉. Very intelligent and knows a bit about everything. Frankly, I didn’t want to date you😶, I mean how can I date a guy in my department and worse of the same level with me🤢? It was so against my rules but then, you’ve been long into the friend zone and I thought this nigga sure deserves a promotion🤭. I felt the weight of dismay and disappointment in your face when you discovered I was a virgin🙃. If only you could turn back the hands of time right! but too late. Mehn! All the major fights we had was about sex, you couldn’t imagine how it is that someone could be scared of sex😵, what a shame😑, despite all the knowledge you had, you never read of genophobia👩‍🦯. I regret all the times I cried to sleep because you wouldn’t touch me except it was sex. Trust me, with the way you always glorified sex, you must be foolish to think that I never knew you were cheating the whole time of our almost two years🤧. 

breakup exes

“Why do I feel like this is our last conversation?” Nah, you assured me. Said you couldn’t stay any longer but promised we’ll see in the morrow😒. I tried to believe you but a still voice beneath kept yelling; “This is it! This is the last time you’ll see him”. And that was it, you never showed up again😭. I felt insulted reaching out to you with a lengthy note via WhatsApp, and all you responded was “Aiit”🤦‍♀️. You didn’t even acknowledge me with respect and not abbreviate the word ‘Alright’. What exactly was alright in all I sent you 🥺?

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You never reached out, I was miserable😖. Days turned into weeks and weeks decayed into months yet no words from you😪. I needed closure, I hoped that one day you would call. I was always anxious to pick calls from unsaved numbers hoping it’s you saying hello from the other side😓. But No. Frankly, It would have been better if you were dead because my situation felt like someone who knew not the whereabouts of their loved one and every day they hoped they would come home or better still receive news of their death so they could move on😔. 

Breakup GIFs exes

I wonder, so if I didn’t put a call across after almost two years of ghosting, you wouldn’t have?😏 Well, sweet to know we’ve buried the hatchet and you remain one of my favorite persons🤗. And I also hope you’ve been enjoying all the sex in the world because just maybe that’s the core of your existence. 

 

Hey Chameleon!!

Chameleon because when I feel I have figured you out, you switch to a new color😖. Our relationship was extremely loving yet extremely confusing too; a detrimental polar opposite🤦‍♀️. We had so much love to give yet hoarded it in ego and replaced it with fervent miscommunication🙇‍♀️. Gosh!! We argued about everything and became too toxic to stay together yet not bold to leave🙍‍♀️. You made me reckon with the lines “love is not everything” and I’m grateful I mustered the bravery to say I wasn’t interested anymore🥲. I didn’t do it for just me baby, we needed it. I know you’re still shocked we didn’t end up together, I am sometimes too, and whenever it hits me I say within “You did what was best girl”👩‍🦯.

exes

How can two grown adults who say they love each other go radio silent on each other for three weeks and to think we even raised the bar a certain time for two months😱!? That was the last straw for me and I remember whispering aloud under my breath “MY MUMU DON DO”🤭. My personality was too strong for you and rather than communicate your displeasure you’d rather look for a way to bruise my ego😔. All the times you said “Uju now, but I was only joking”, I never believed you cause I’m a fan of the saying “people hide under the aegis of jokes to say what they do not have the courage to say normally”. And then everything was always a competition, I got so scared of breaking my good news to you, maybe I always read your gestures wrongly, just maybe… anyway, I hope you’ve found the love you deserve🤗.

 Get Over a Breakup an ex

 

DID I OPEN YOUR SCARS TOO? 

Still have a bunch of stuff to say but I’ve been getting some mild jabs that my stories are becoming way too long 🤣🤣 so I’ll just continue on Naked Minds. Did any of my exes remind you of yours? Anyway, I decided to make this post an open diary aka a vent room for us to talk about the unsaid stuff we never said to our ex(es)🥲. And No! It’s not just only three guys I’ve dated, I felt so ashamed having to count all my fingers and begun counting all over again when my friend asked during our conversation “But Uju, how many guys you don date self?”… while counting, we both burst into uncontrollable laughter🤣🤣.

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Well, these are the only three I recognize, the rest can face back please😑 …So over to you, I’ll like you to share those unsaid words you wish you could say to your ex(es), doesn’t have to be something lengthy or bad and you don’t have to talk about all of them (one or two is fine) or address them by their real names🐄🐖. Also if you have any reservations concerning any of my exes, feel free to say in the comment🤧. Remember, this is my side to the story, they might have a better or unappealing narrative about me but I really don’t care👩‍🦯. 

exes
Source- HealthLine

Also, do you feel it’s right to still maintain communication with an ex? Let’s talk Mutterers, this should be enlightening and fun😁… leave me your comment👇…and never forget, this is a safe place😝👇👇.

 

 

 

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7 min read

Sexuality is one of the biggest parts of who we are, it’s a key part of our characteristics that goes a long way into defining our personhood. Your sexuality is like your shadow, you can quench the light to avoid a clear image, but it wouldn’t stop following you everywhere you go. It is part of you.

About a month ago, I read a story on this blog about a lady who narrated how she skipped becoming a lesbian, my story is similar, not skipped, but dipped in a lezzy puddle… I am a lesbian.

lesbian in Nigeria muttering minds
Source- Pitzer College

From the moment I became 9-years-old, my parents started to become insecure because of my rapid growth, I was full in my chest, curvy, and looking sexually attractive for my age. They decided an all-girls school would save me from boys and unnecessary distractions, so my schooling was immediately processed to a missionary school; the holier the better I guess. I was advised to study hard only.

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You know how it is, getting to a new environment, you wanna know what really goes down in Las Vegas. The first orientation I got was tales of how senior students would try to lure junior students to sleep with them. Being inquisitive, I wondered how it would feel like laying with the same sex, I was young and wasn’t even nursing any sex drive. There were some targeted seniors whose names were mentioned to me as lesbians so I had a close gaze fixed on them.

lesbian in nigeria muttering minds
Source-Refinery29

One day during siesta, I decided I wasn’t going to sleep, luckily or maybe unluckily for me, I found these sets of seniors in an enclosed space making out. I could have run off to my room and pretended like I never saw a thing but instead I watched to a point where I got so aroused. Since the incident, I’ll reminisce on all they did and get even more aroused. That memory and feeling lived with me, the more I tried to suppress it, the more I yearned to replicate it with my girlfriends.

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In my JSS 2, my craving for girls became stronger. I heard of how people were caught in the act so I was scared to try or think about it. My school was a missionary school but I saw lots of nasty things girls do. In my JSS 3, a senior approached me to be friends but I declined because everyone knew she was a lesbian. I mean she could have been one in secrecy, I wouldn’t mind, but getting along with someone stale would let my caged cats out of the bag to the whole school.

lesbian in nigeria
Source- The Guardian

There’s this bonding category thing we did in school then,  we get to pair ourselves up for example as PALs(PERSONAL Admirable Lover), SALs (secret admirable lover), a class friend, a JAF(Just A Friend), and even vals during valentines day. This made me have access to different girlfriends for several purposes.  They knew my intention but were scared to try anything out rather we’ll give ourselves pecks, jokingly touched each other’s breast and emphasized how soft, small or big it was.

Read: Men Talk! How to Get Rid of Boners in Public

In my SS1, we were mixed with seniors in the hostel and as fate would play, the senior that tried to toast me in Js3 was in my room. She began sending me love letters which had a way of sparking up my sensual appetite, I looked forward to them. 

lesbian in nigeria
Source- Inspirationfeed

One night, she asked me to sleep on her bed, I agreed. She made attempts to touch me, I refused yet agreed to a kiss. It was my first kiss! It felt good, I wanted more but held back. Unluckily for me, my school mother who was in the same class with her somehow found out we spent the night together and came to accuse me of being a lesbian. I denied it. From there, the gist raised so much dust in the school and without hearing me out, my senior lover broke up with me. My first heartbreak! I was hurt! I cried so much! I pleaded for a comeback, but she was totally done with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, her smell, towel, beddings, and how soft her skin was even though we didn’t smooch. I wish we actually did.

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Well, much later that year, I got close to one of my mates who was very much sexy. I remember vividly our first encounter up the bunk where we talked about sex and one talk lead to another, she asked to make out with me, to which I agreed. When everyone was asleep, she started touching me, it felt so good. I turned to her and we kissed intensely, she touched my breast and smooched my body. I couldn’t help but cooperate, I had never felt that way before. The sensual urge made me feel so wet and then she fingered me countlessly which I enjoyed even more. 

That night opened my eyes going forward. I wanted more of that feeling, I wanted to be around females who looked like they wanted to experiment, I became less apologetic about lesbianism, and couldn’t wait to get out of school.

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lesbian in Nigeria

LEAVING SCHOOL & BEYOND

Leaving school was a different ball game entirely, all the girls I met were all talking about one male crush or the other, the sex adventures they looked forward to, and worse off, I discovered that the outer world was even more hostile about lesbianism. It became more scary and shameful to talk about my sexuality.

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I pressured myself into having a relationship with a male, just to be sure there was nothing wrong with me. We had good sex but believe me, it wasn’t as great as the lady I had been with. To enjoy the sex, I’ll imagine I was sexing a lady, her eating me out, sucking my boobs until my nipples turn red and more… all these imageries to get me to enjoy my time with a man. Maybe I am bisexual, just maybe…all I know is I prefer anything sensual with females.

lesbian in Nigeria

Luckily for me one time, I reconnected with my high school lover, that chic, and we had the most erotic bedroom adventure ever. Asides from the romance, the emotions, getting to hold a lady after such a long time, looking into her eyes and stuff, felt like magic. That moment gave me the closure I needed on my sexuality. I accepted that I am a lesbian and there was nothing I could do about it other than to live with it.

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Although It’s hard to find lesbians who come out open in Nigeria, because of the stigma, we connect through groups online and so far I have met a handful of amazing lesbians. Sometimes if it’s my lucky day, I get approached by a lady. Somehow I feel scared that I might have to bend for society someday because I wanna get married and have kids. So far the men I’ve met and opened up to about my sexuality appeared cool but marriage might not be easy. I have this idea of having a threesome with my husband, I think I can stomach it that way.

lesbian in Nigeria

On this note, I’ll like to add that the world is unfair to my kind, especially in Africa, Nigeria. Sex is one of the most popular topics discussed on a daily, yet it is truncated. How do you ask a person their opinion about sex without asking them about their sexuality? This should go hand in hand. Straight people enjoy sex talk until you let them in on your secret and then they make you feel creepy about it. What’s so creepy about being a lesbian or bisexual? How hard is it for straight people to understand that just the same way they cannot explain how they arrived at their sexuality, it’s the same for others? 

Read: Hypocrites! Homosexuality Is Not A Crime

Even though my profession will not permit me to identify with my sexuality, I hope that one day LGBTQ is made legal in Nigeria. Being bisexual, gay, or lesbian in Nigeria is not something that should be a secret, it’s something we should be bold about, we are humans too and deserve equal treatment. There are many LGBTQ persons in Nigeria, it could be your sister or your little brother who’s always by himself, seeming depressed and with low self-esteem. This, to say the least, is what suppressing sexuality does to a person, it’s suicide.

Let me ask you, in a world that’s homophobic if your child told you they were gay or lesbian, what would you do? I’ll also love to hear your candid opinion on homosexuality in Nigeria and if you are not straight, please feel free to leave me an insight on your sexuality discovery and journey. How did you get there? when did you discover YOU? And so far how’s it been?  The admin assured me here is a safe place, hence a partly motivation for sharing my story, I look forward to your comments. 👇👇

 

 

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9 min read

Hehehehehehe😁…laughter not too funny yet funny☺…Shall we? So this is our first virtual court case on Muttering Minds where both warring parties don’t get to see yet debate tooth and nail on my proposed topic, weighing the odds and bright sides from their personal biased view😉.

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Shall we? Is age really just a number especially when it comes to relationships or a sour lime we painstakingly shove past our throat under the aegis of “live and let live”🤔? Ladies, would you for any reason accommodate yourself in a relationship with a younger guy? Men, how attractive are older women for an item before they get like rotten bananas and are disposed of😏? 

older the berry

Source- Red Bubble

First Hearing (MEN🤤)- Representative Brawn

The older the berry, the sweeter the ***** (fill the gap🤤). Older women have always fascinated me since my teenage years. Their poise and psychological makeup are unmatched. And dammit she got big titties🤤🤤…O dear Delilah, just come and ride my horse however you please while I get hypnotized by those not pluckable yet suckable oranges as they bounce through left🥵, right up and down while my pupil tries to keep up a steady gaze and my tongue lusts to taste the areola🥵🥵.

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Older women are not caught up in childish games these smelly young girls are fond of🤮. They aim at their prey and fire the shot. My first sex experience was with an older lady; it’s one worthy of hitting the Guinness record because dear mama took me on a whirlwind of romance and aggression🥵🥵. I felt like a pro, I can imagine having that with a girl my age and looking for the clitoris or vagina🙄. I bet she’ll laugh and then go over to tell her folks how slow I am😖. Older women don’t care, they teach you how to worship them🤤🤤.

the older the berry

I met an older chic during my WAEC examination, that was my first encounter. She was my first target after a series of fantasies and alas faith brought us together🙈. She stood out beautifully to an extent all the boys wanted her. We sat closely for two weeks but never spoke yet every night I’ll fantasize about the shape of her butt🙈🤤.

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I was too shy to approach her and as though nature wanting to play unfortunate cards, my close friend started telling me about how much he’s been crushing on her😖. There was too much joy written all over his face, would this mean me respecting the bro code? Well, we’ll see about that. The next day he came over to my class and tried talking to her and that’s how I got involved🤣🤣. Like such a moment where your friend brings a babe and you suddenly become the comedian🤣🤣. I laughed at him in my mind yet acted like I didn’t know what game I was playing🙃.

older the berry
Source- Artland

I and the barbie got along, it was a rare connection. Tell you what, she’s also been low key feeling the boy for a while😎. She knew my name, birth date, and added that we share the same birth month but different years. I was shocked because, despite the long tail difference in age, she accommodated my friendship☺.  

Read: Let’s Play a Game… Fetish or Obsessions?

To cut to the chase, she asked me out. Such bravery! And she didn’t die o😌. We kept the relationship on a low and since she was my seat partner nobody suspected. If you’ve watched “A Fall From Grace”, that was how everything went (excluding the scam🤗). She was all colors of romantic, and the sex like I described earlier was the bomb🧨. Unfortunately, we lost communication after the exams because my phone caught a fever and my not so darling friend who still remains pissed about what happened in the ’90s blatantly refused to give me her number🤣.

the older the berry
Source- Juliet Allen

It was all fun while it lasted though. Call me strange, but I sometimes feel I am living way above my age especially in my love life😉. She raised the bar for me and since then I get entwined with older women. I’ve tried girls my age but nahhhhh🤮, they seem to mess it up one way or the other especially with silly demands (begi begi FC🙄).

Read: Am I the Only One Who Can’t Stand Kids?

Hmmmmmm so would I get married to an older woman🤔? Well, this is tough. Asides that it’s hard to find an older woman who can throw caution to the wind and tell society that she’s in love with a young man old enough to be her son, childbearing comes to mind too😖. I love kids and there’s this thing I heard about older women not being able to have kids when they turn 40. I stand corrected🙈.

the older the berry or
Source- Self.com

Also, the imagined screams of my mother saying “Abomination!!! Abomination!!!” 🤣🤣the moment I dare introduce a woman twice my age as a wife🤣🤣. And again, would she accord me due respect as the man of the house? *Covers face*. At the end of the day, I’ll be back to marrying one of these younger ladies who think they know it all🥺🤨. The older the berry, the sweeter the juice… but this particular juice is like munching on sugar cane, sapping the juice, and throwing the shaft away😪. Unfortunately, the joy doesn’t last, especially in this part of our world🥺. However, until marriage calls (that’s if it ever will😌) I’ll be on my grind cruising on matured titties of older women🤤. Until then…

 

Second Hearing (Women🤯)- Representative JULES

“Jules, I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said to me pleading and sober. Nah, this is a pretentious act to get me to accept his foolery huh🙄? “What if I hadn’t subconsciously glanced through your International Passport guy🤯?” Finding out his real age on that green sheet made me swore I had dyslexia,  that’s how much I trusted him🧐.

Whaaaatttt! I’ve been dating a younger male for four months and I freaking had no clue🤯.

“I thought you were okay with dating a younger male?”, my girlfriend asked in response to my lamentations🥺.

the older the berry
Source- The Mother Hen

I’ve always been of the idea that it doesn’t matter who’s older in the relationship, so long as there’s an understanding and love, as the heart chooses who it accepts and there’s nothing you can do about it. But you know it’s easier said than done🤨. Liesssss oooo🤨🤨. Experiencing it first hand is a different ball game entirely😪. 

Read: Maybe it’s Saner to Hide your Real Age or…

“Wait babe, you mean to tell me I’m two years older than you are when all the while I’ve been thinking you’re 3years older than me?” Ah🤯, Julesbaeby you’ve hit the bottom rock🏽‍♀️ men will always embarrass you no matter their age tueh🤮! I felt abused, by a minor for that matter and this wasn’t a good feeling at all😵.

the older the berry
Source- Hunter and Bligh

Love hits differently for a lady when she realizes her heart craves the attention of a man younger than she is. Staying strong for me, I let go of the idiot🙄, bearing in mind to always enlist age as a first date question with proof of birth of course😂! You see the beard gang members especially, do not be deceived by the number of hairs fallowing under their jaws and across their chins, it’s a facade😂😂. Most of their ages are not even up to a fraction of the hair strands you see. ASK THEIR AGE O!😂😂

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It seems like the idiot forgot to close the gate on minors after he vanished as more began to flood me afterward🤧. “She’s a small girl, let me shoot my shots”… perhaps there’s nothing cute about owning a small body otherwise how would this dunce I’m ten years older than have the courage to profess decayed love to me😩😩?

the older the berry
ASK THEIR AGE!

Did I really learn my lessons? 

Fast forward>>>>> I got introduced to this handsome well built young man after a series of failed relationships😣. 

Please pay attention…

My first conversation with him was magical and I thought, “this is it!”. But as a Lagos girl who prides in being chased by a man🙃, I took my time to let things play out while observing due protocols like daily checkups, (as per doctor😂), mushy texts, and sharing food of course😜. Meanwhile, I was flashing green lights like a traffic warden “Brother ask me out now, let me just say YES🤣🤣”.

Read: Stop the Deceit! Whoever you are Dating Owes You!

One day, I saw “In case you’ve been wondering who my heart beats for🏾” captioned on a post he made on his WhatsApp status🙈, I immediately reached for my medicated lens to be sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me as to whom the caption was referring to. His next post read “Happy nerdy birthday to the LOML”.Then I paused and thought aloud🤔, “I’m a nerd, but today’s not my birthday, is this a prank😩?”, and then boom the face was revealed. I swallowed my greenlight at that point and didn’t care if it’ll choke me😵😖.

the older the berry

I caught myself typing “Happy birthday to bae”, and NO! I didn’t mean that at all, “You’re a mother fucker” was what I intended to type😩.

I stopped communicating with him afterward, till karma brought him to me unannounced at an event. We got along well enough and I realized I still had a soft spot for him🙃, up until we had the dreaded age conversation and it was revealed I was 6years older🤯.

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“Whaaaatttt!!! child abuse!!!”. We had already done some tasty lip-locking🤮, monkey bed adventures🤮, nothing short of a love cruise😵. Where do I begin to end this menace🥶? Maybe this was why he introduced me to “The Men’s Club” series, he must have known of the age gap all along and was hoping I could be his Mrs. Lawson. Well, too bad my laws will not harbor any supposed son as a lover. Never😖! 

older the berry

No doubt Frank is a very nice and sweet guy but the age difference is terrifying😭. I weighed our communication wave since we met and realized I have been more of a mother figure than a lover😤. I carried his emotional baggage, gave him the best advice and I’m sure lowkey I served as his tutor to loving his girlfriend even more😡. That moment when you dish smart advice to someone and they flip the table when you are not there like they are the ones who came up with it😤. I know that nigga did that. Maybe a subliminal action from him but that’s what comes with dating a minor as a lady🤮. 

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Putting a “JUST GOOD BUDDIES” tag on Frank was a good decision for me. Ain’t nobody being a rehab or mother figure😌, I’ll rather be buried six feet with my feelings, cold and single still😌. Ladies! If you think you can deal with dating a younger male, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t want to learn🛀.

older the berry

Your Verdict

*Coughs*🤣🤣…Ladiessssss…do you agree with your representative; darling Jules😄? Guyssssss did your guy Brawn make any sense😌? Is age really a number especially when it involves romantic relationships? Let’s talk. As a lady, would you date a younger man for any reason? And what’s the age difference you can accommodate😃? If you’ve had such an experience, it will be interesting to fill us in about how it went down☺…or how it’s going😉. To the men, let’s know your sentiments toward older women in a relationship🤓. 

Despite meeting a series of guys who’ve said to me that they prefer older ladies, I have never met a lady who openly says that she loves them young😏. So who are the ladies dating younger guys🤔? Perhaps it’s much fun in secrecy huh🤭? This is a fun topic… let’s discuss in the comment section. Shall we?👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

After one of the members on Naked Minds called my attention for using real-names instead of nicknames of fellow subscribers in reposting responses to stories, I made up my mind that I was going to apologize properly by letting you all in on my many nicknames; some of which are lost in space, I hope never to find the need of them again😐.

Nicknames are cool, at least for me. Lowkey, I suffer from a fevered admiration for people who get called by their nicknames so often that even their close friends forget what their real names sound like. Do you have people like this around you? Well, I got one, his nikky is ‘Effect’…my nigga’s so hardworking his peers and superiors felt an uncommon urge to christen him again😄. His real name and his abilities are like oil and water, gargle at your own risk, they both won’t gel. Wondering what it is? Well, I don’t know either🙈…met him as Effect, and Effect he shall continue to be…what I don’t know can’t hurt me🤡.

nickname

IF YOU LAUGH…I SHOOT!

Well, getting a unique and popular nickname was a goal for me in secondary school. It felt tech to own one, I wanted to belong by all means. And even if I said no to the mantle, these slum/parting books staged themselves at playful corners waiting to embarrass me🤕. How do I tell the owner of a Slum book that I got no nickname to fill? and even if I left it vacant without her knowledge, eventually, in the long future when she revisits it, she’s hit suddenly by the trauma of how weird I was in high school. Not me! I didn’t want anyone to have such memories about me😂😂.

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So I ferried on a nickname quest🚣‍♀️. I began asking friends what they felt will soothe me for a nickname, specifically one they can call me any time even in public. I remember brainstorming with Ayomide, my bunkmate, and some others. As expected, they coined appellations from my English name ‘Doris’. Sure you can already predict the kind of nicknames they came up with. ‘Dodo’, ‘Dori Baby’, even the spelling backward jinx ‘Sirod’. Yuck! 🤮

nickname

I wasn’t having it. They all felt cliche. “Common now, I’m bigger than all this jargon🙄”, I often said this within me anytime they suggested some dementia allusive nikky. Do you ever know what you want sometimes but then shy to say it, instead you look for someone to help push you to your death so that at the end of the day, you can have a name to blame when things fall apart?😹 This was the game I was playing but how disappointing, no one thought in my direction😫. 

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“How about something sexy and mischievous?”, I suggested in a low tone. Trust the girls on this one 🤣🤣🤣, names started flying up and down. Guess the name I settled for 😭😭…‘SEXY BREEZE’ !!! oh, my days!!! Looking back now, I feel so embarrassed. Were my bunch of friends so stupid or I was the stupid one for agreeing to be coined a nickname for a tomfool?🤒 I definitely was so stupid! You need to see the way I blushed whenever someone called me ‘Sexy Breeze’. It felt so dope mehn😂😂!. But unfortunately, the name didn’t bring as much popularity as expected so I ferried on another quest🚣‍♀️.

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Thanks to my very stupid friends again, I was caught between choosing  ‘MYSTIQUE’ or ‘SEDUCTIVE MYSTIQUE’. Being an Oliver twist, I decided to do both. Depends on what mood I was in whenever someone handed me their slum book to fill. If I felt like a ‘Mystique’, then Mystique it is; if I felt spicy at the time, then ‘Seductive’ came before the ‘M’😹. 

I still didn’t make the hall of fame with any of them. The only person who made me feel really welcomed with the name was one of my friends Tope, who had her  feet swept off in admiration that she had to nikky herself  ‘SEDUCTIVE SEDUCTRESS’ How insane?!😂😂 I remember hailing her to her face and screaming “bloody copy cat” in my mind😫. Asides from my unreserved hate for copycats, I deserved to be the only ‘seduction’ in school dammit! 😐

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Reflecting on how stupid the nicknames were, I should have left her to bear all of them. To date, Ayomide still taunts me with these nicknames. So if I become president tomorrow, this is how she’ll reveal one of my many foolish decisions in life right😫! Wicked girl!🤕 Not like hers was any better, who the f*** bears ‘Ayomzy Delight’?  Only hoodlums😂😂

names nickname
Source Cliparts

STILL FOOLISH?

Joining Facebook after secondary school and seeing the way people spelled their usernames started to tickle my fancy. For example, someone who bears ‘Ayomide’ refines the spelling to ‘Haryohmide’. Mehn that shit looked so dope to me and if I don’t belong, who will🙈? But it was so heartbreaking, all my many remixes didn’t sound nice and I wasn’t with my foolish friends anymore to help me figure it out. Looking back now, I bless God o, otherwise they would have given me a remix best for simpletons😂😂. However, I got one, all thanks to my ex.

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 What I was searching for was right beside me but I couldn’t see it… One day I decided to check my baby boy’s phone to see what he used in saving my number and boom! I saw ‘DHAUREYZ’… this was his remix for ‘DORIS’. It felt so cool, I adopted it without blinking, and to date, I use it for virtually everything; pseudonyms, emails, social media, etc. I know you are trying so hard to pronounce it 🤣🤣🤣… take it easy on yourself, a lot have bitten their tongues on that quest.

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DREAMS ACTUALLY DO COME THROUGH…

And the last one…. Hopefully not the least🎯…My long lost dream of having a nickname that replaces my own name finally came to pass in the university. Hurrayyyyy!!!💃💃 Blow the trumpets!!!🥳🥳  Oh, my days! Even though I blacklisted the hostel because of my experience with infection, I must admit my time spent there was exhilarating.  

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I like to believe I was a hot cake, I mean hot inside the brain o and maybe a portion of hot outside🤡. Then I used to be more involved in poetry, brewing, and writing everywhere in the school (for those who cared to read anyway😁). And then I got big news that I was nominated for the Nigerian Writers Award, for Poetry Writer of the year category. I was more shocked than excited when I saw the news online (this is a story for another Naked Minds gist😆). That type of shock where you recheck for the umpteenth time to see if it’s really your name and if it is, you’re still in shock because you think the news is for someone else who bears your exact names. That’s how I felt.

names nickname
Source- ArtStation

I broke the news to one of my close friends Victoria and before I knew it, she started hailing and shouting ‘UJU MALOO’… what is ‘MALOO’??? I had no idea but it sounded cool, although with a blend of ‘razness’, I loved it. That was how the name flew🚀. I stayed in the hostel for two years and throughout the time, I was either called ‘Maloo’ or ‘Uju Maloo’. Maloo is a Yoruba word and depending on the caller’s tone, it could mean ‘Go’ or ‘Come’. But to Victoria, she meant ‘Go’, more like “keep on moving and winning Uju”. 

Read: You Can Never Be Yourself!

To cut the story short, ‘Maloo’ faded as soon as I left the hostel😓. But of course, I still saw some of the hostel mates who would always shout it out whenever they saw me on the walkway or somewhere in the school😄. It always felt like home. Even now, whenever I hear someone speaking Yoruba and says ‘Maloo’, it has a way of putting a genuine smile on my face😁.

names nickname
Source- Deviant Art

THE ESSENCE

Although added a little spice to this article on publishing here, it’s actually a Naked Minds exclusive. You better join cause I won’t be betraying my coven anytime soon again😫. 

Asides that this is an intended fun post to get us to unwind and sign out gradually from this puzzle-twisting year, I wanted to poke the essence of names🌚. Names are either  powerful or impotent. Some are sweet, some are salty to the ears. Some sound so sweet yet  a profitless meaning💩…some are an ear sore, but got beautiful meaning. You hear some names and you’re like “Huh? You mean your parents actually gave you this name😳”…that embarrassing! I wouldn’t want to mention names lol.

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Source- Medium

Most part of me wanting a nickname by force was because I didn’t see my two names as good enough and soothing for my personality. Have you ever pondered on your name(s) and asked yourself “why me”? Why did my parents choose to call me this? Well, I did for ‘Doris’, still stuck on trying to love the name🙁. I couldn’t fall in love with it because of the many unappealing tones people prefer to pronounce it😤. I wish I could insert an audio sample🤧. But I’ve always loved Obianuju (since I got mature though), and even invested more love for it after my parents told me I was named ‘Obianuju’ because shortly after my birth they both bagged a huge salary increase at work. Obianuju means ‘Born into wealth’ …but the meaning of Doris always fluctuates between the ‘bad and good’ whenever I look it up😏. There’s never been a unified meaning, I think whoever invented the name was six feet buried in confusion at the time😬.

Read: Parents Are The Best Pretenders

Have you ever reflected on your names before?🤔 Heard some of you got like seven and counting🤠, unlike me, I wasn’t fortunate enough to be named by all the prominent members of my extended family🤣🤣. I’ll love to know your names and what you feel about them. Would you say they resonate with your personality or your parents deserve 600 years for such cruelty? 😂😂

Nickname name
Source- The New Yoker

Hmmmmm about my many nicknames 🤐… what’s yours and how did you come by it? I like to believe the way some of these nikky’s sound is the reason we choose them, not necessarily what they mean🤭. Did you at some point want a nickname so bad like I did? Do you have a past regrettable nickname🤣🤣? And you see that name, yes! That very one you use on IG and Twitter… How did you arrive there?  ‘Sexy posh’, ‘Dragon’, ‘Barbie doll’, ‘Cupcake’, “Renegade’ …Is that you? 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

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Warning!!! Do not try to taunt me with my first three nicknames, otherwise I go comot ya teeth just now😂😂. I’m curious to hear yours, I will try not to laugh. Common… Let me in😌, leave me a comment 😂😂👇👇

P.s. I want to propose that parents should leave about one or two name slots open until a child is grown so we can name ourselves according to our personalities. Dear future kids, I got you😆!

 

 

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