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8 min read

I’ll lose myself, yet it’s still me. A moment where I feel as free as a kite and in that happiness of freedom, I hope that the controller, ‘my mind’, whose hands hold my life at the moment doesn’t give me up completely, even though I feel it staggering. Whenever I’m in this moment, I either dance like a lunatic, I feel my soul in my mouth in a way that makes me appreciate the mad men on the streets; the real heroes who defy the punishment Eve gifted mankind and walk around naked.  Freedom no constitution can cripple! 😎

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It’s alcohol! This is how I feel whenever I take ‘excessive’ shots. I’m not a minimalist when it comes to alcohol, I’m either not riding or I ride like Dominic Toretto when Fast and Furious. I scarcely ever drink but when I do, the truth side of my mind hints to me…“But you know you’ve got the tendencies of an alcoholic right🙄?” An ugly statement, yet I cannot debate it. The only debate I have with my mind is when people say alcohol is bitter as fuck and peer pressure is what makes people drink. Excuse you?!🙄 We can all agree on the bitter but to hell with peers, I drink to free my mind💆‍♀️.

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banana marketing
Source- Clipart Library

Sometimes my mind is a camel carrying too much burden, woe betides it passes the eyes of a needle😪. It’s that heavy, I wanna sink into oblivion and bury my thoughts on the things that should matter. Even though some folks say “So what next? Doesn’t the load press on after the alcohol fades?”, well it does no doubt but I am grateful for that little time I didn’t have to think about it, instead I picked my phone up and called my almost best friend BUBU😬, appreciating her for all she’s done and how much I love her. This happened the last time I took alcohol, she knew I was drunk but most importantly knew I meant all of those words👭. Truthfully, If I hadn’t taken those shots, I wouldn’t have done that, or at least not in that manner.

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Unfortunately, this new year 2021, alcohol made it on my ‘TO STOP LIST’. What a detestable achievement for the inventors🤧. My doctor said I should stop drinking because I have a bad ulcer but frankly how do you tell someone to stop something without providing an alternative🤷‍♀️? It’s the reason why I don’t try to change people👩‍🦯. And then my baby with the “Promise me you’ll stop drinking” line… huh🙄?  “But baby, am I an alcoholic😒?”… “You’re not but…” hmmm be rest assured whatever words follow after ‘but’ will break your heart🧐.

banana marketing

It will be hard, really hard not to sip some shots once in a while but I’ll try especially because I intend to live long🙉. Do you know a remedy that can cure my almost obsession with alcohol? Don’t suggest to me therapy please, except you want the poor therapist to take in more than she can swallow🤷‍♀️.

 

THE ONLY BITCH I HATE😡

How ironic, the only thing I wanted to be STOPPED or fair enough STOP SEEING made it to 2021😩. What was God thinking when he created cockroaches😩? I feel offended he even blessed them with brown skin, speed, and the most oppressing of all, the gift of flight😖. I’m afraid the only phobia I wouldn’t get over no matter my age is my fear for cockroaches. It’s so bad that the moment I spot one in my room, I’m not sleeping there except I see evidence of its dead body😩. Thanks to my sister, who always came through with a broom or slippers to wipe their crazy guts to death🙁. Dear sister, the only reason I cried at your wedding was that I knew it was an automatic warrant for these bitches to torment me🥺.

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banana marketing
Source- Meme Controller

Imagine running away from my room in the middle of the night to the parlor only to meet the same nightmare there😩, or I wake up in the morning and see a dead roach on the floor…”Whattt!!!!😱 Who killed you? 😱Definitely not me!!😰 Did you fuking crawl on my body before you arrived dead😩? Please wake up and tell me NOOOO then you can die again😩😩” A back-breaking puzzle I wish I could solve. The one time I asked my mum, she said it’s old age, that really old roaches die if they fall from flying. I don’t know if this is true and I have refused to Google it because I have chosen it as my truth, ain’t no Google breaking my heart with bad news🙁.

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Imagine making a video call and a cockroach flies on your body😔? Ooh damn😰!! That was so embarrassing for me, thank God I wasn’t talking to my crush otherwise wahala o🥴. And to think that some coconut heads blush when they’re told “Baby you are the only cockroach in my cupboard”…ewwwwwww🤮🤮… of all the lines mehn!. Overcoming my phobia of cockroaches is the only therapy I need💆‍♀️.

banana marketing cockroach meme
Source- Pintrest

WASTING A PRAYER POINT SLOT

During new year’s eve, my friend posted “God will not allow me to procrastinate in this new year, I’ll chase my dreams”. Hmmmmm about this🤥, I used to have similar prayer point in previous new years until I realized I was only wasting a prayer point slot🤭. Procrastination and motivation come hand in hand for me, if I’m not motivated, there’s no way in heaven I am doing that task😑. It’s evident especially in my craft when I forcefully write a story because of a deadline, I don’t feel me in it and the reception from the audience says the same, they try so hard to find me in it😒. For me, I wouldn’t say I procrastinate, I just have zero motivation sometimes🤭. The moment I realized this was it, I began to pray to God for a motivating spirit instead and he sure does bless me with it but my shameless self spends most of the energy fornicating various social media apps🤣🤣. Indeed a wasted prayer slot and I cannot promise to do better this year🤣🤣.

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procrastination banana marketing
Source- Youtube

BANANA MARKETING

Towards the end of last year, I noticed my mum buying bananas every other day despite not being a fan🤭. Well, what’s my business, the only business I had was strolling into her shop almost every evening to take some. I actually thought it was a loving gesture towards her husband, my dad, who I’m sure in his former life was a monkey because his obsession for bananas is really obsessive🤣🤣. 

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“Uju ooo, this banana woman won’t let me rest o… everyday na so so “Madam you must buy banana” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I laughed so hard. She added that she was doing it out of pity too as it was the woman’s only source of income. Hmmmmm… one day, my mum went out and asked me to be the guardian angel of her shop for the day, and guess who showed up? BANANA WOMAN😁. I pretended like I hadn’t heard her gist and asked if she wanted to buy something. “No o…your mama dey?” she inquired. I told her she wasn’t. “Sisi you no go buy banana?” There we go again🤣. I told her I had no money on me and I couldn’t take my mum’s. “No o, I no be stranger now, collect am buy, even your mama go chop out of am when she return”. In my mind, I was already rolling on the floor due to excessive laughter🤣🤣, but tried so hard not to let it out. “If you no buy my banana I go quarrel with you o sisi” Ah😳! Now this is serious 🤣🤣🤣. To cut the story, I asked her how much a bunch cost and I paid. As soon as she left, I burst into laughter, such as guts!

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banana marketing
Source- Twitter

Wonder why I’m telling you about this banana seller?  Witnessing her display of ‘not accepting No’ spirit and aggressive marketing is a privilege for me as she really inspired me😅. I’m going all out this year with marketing this blog to everyone even those who care not to listen🙃. You either read or READ or I quarrell with you😑😑😑. Tell you what, after my encounter with her, I was spamming on Twitter and someone replied to one of my tweets saying “ODE” in caps. Normally, that’s enough to ruin my mood as in the past I’ll delete that tweet and possibly block the favoured fool🙄. But this time around, I laughed so hard and said to myself “Better be prepared to call me more names”🤣🤣🤣. The most ironic thing about spamming on Twitter is that the owners of the tweet never complain, it’s some lunatic on a rampage who chooses to carry a cross that’s not theirs🙄. Bottom line, I’ll be more intentional, thanks to the special banana seller, I’ve been waiting for her to come collect her Christmas gift, seems like she hasn’t resumed the hustle😅. You all better join me in inculcating the BANANA MARKETING module for your hustle🤭. 

 

ANOTHER SET OF HEROES

To the ones who always put huge stones or tree trunks on my flooded street whenever it rains so that passersby like me can walk on them rather than water🥺, thank you so much🥲. You are the reason I’m motivated to go out even though it’s rained cats and dogs💦. It’s a very good gesture and I hope you keep at it this year 2021 and most importantly I hope to replicate the act too😅. 

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floods banana marketing
Source- Economic Times

I’ve held many strange hands while crossing the busy roads of Lagos. I’m terrified of highways but these individuals lend me their hand and we cross together😙. Not sure I say thank you enough😔. Even the ones who can smell my fear without me having to say and then they let me stay by their side and signal when it’s time to cross, thank you😅. If you do any of these for pedestrians, please do not stop, you are the reason why many people like me still have their lives intact🙏.

 

YOU MAN! YOU LADY!❣

Hey man! Hey lady!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 😁 It’s a privilege to have your eyes and mind read about the things I want to see and do more this year (2021), the only bitch I hate and my almost obsession with alcohol 🤭. Thank you! I’m sure you have yours too, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s gonna be different for you this year😅, the things you appreciate and any other you’ll like to share. If you don’t share any at all with me, I’ll quarrel with you🙄 *in banana sellers voice*… and if you are against the ‘new year, new rules’ format, I’ll like to know why too. Common, leave me a comment below😁👇👇.

 

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7 min read

I’m tired😒, never been so unmotivated to write for myself like I am now😔. That moment where you have a lot of things to say yet you can barely make a sentence out of the bunch and even when you do, your brain welcomes it like soured beans, no sense😪! I was actually writing a story I think is beautiful, but anxiety got the most part of me, or maybe holiday syndrome?🤔

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But I had promised one last straw of creativity to Mutterers, so I kept scribbling words I felt made sense before I came to terms with looking my truth in the eye. I could have completed the story🥺, but I wouldn’t have felt so much love for it, and every time I sip a sentence, down to a paragraph from it, it’s only win will be reminding me of a time where I struggled to make sense🤦‍♀️. I hate to feel this way, the only time I’m allowed to is when I’m at a job interview, and I’m asked “where do you see yourself in five years?”🤨 I always try to make sense by stating a lot of stuff that hasn’t even made it to my bucket list yet🤥…wishful thinking, just because I need the job. Funny how this question is cliché yet hard, it goes to show that not every regular thing is near at hand; some are earth-shattering🥶.

holiday syndrome
Source- Tealink

 

ANXIETY

I don’t know what it is actually, but in these last days of 2020, I have been so tensed that it makes my legs twitch😬. Sometimes I blame it on the many workloads, other times I think there’s something really wrong😒. I get angry too and consciously look for a victim to transfer my aggression🥴. I’ve found myself putting too many chats on mute and even archived them because these individuals have sworn an oath to intensify my anxiety with their text messages always signing off with “ASAP”🙄. You won’t kill me fam! No, you won’t😑! But the biggest scam in all these is Mark Zukerberg😴, how do you make provisions for archiving and muting chats, only for it to get lost in just a second and come back to drive a nail in my eyes the next time the buffoon messages me again🤷‍♀️. Please scrap these features or improve them.  Mute should mean ‘SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY😑!!’…while archiving a chat should mean ‘GET LOST! NEVER TO BE FOUND BITCH😡!’ Not unless I grant you a presidential pardon.

holiday syndrome
Source- Verywellmind

I fought with the love of my life shortly before coming to terms with writing this😤. He advised me to shut my laptop for a while and look for something else to do since the words were not running as fast as a roach avoiding a broom wipe😕. I hated him for saying this, I expected a “baby you got this!”👊 with some other sweet words following. “How can you tell me to give up?😢 I promised one last story for the year, you know what, good night!😕” After I hung up, I went on Whatsapp to dish him an appetizer of my last vent only for the mister to react by sending me several scrolls longer than the one Moses used in repressing the Israelites from their hearts’ filth😭😭. I got so agitated that I began to wonder what the whole argument was about🤔. It was me really🥺. Me feeling tired yet not wanting to accept it😒. Me looking for answers that were already cat walking before my third eye😔.

holiday syndrome
Source- Time Magazine

Sometimes we know what exactly is wrong with us; we just hope the narrative can be changed🥶. In my quest for answers, I felt the sudden urge to hand my burden over to someone else who barely knows me, for some reason I felt running over another close friend will be futile still🤨. “Hey, I’m so exhausted, is it bad if I don’t show up again this year?” Pelumi replied to me with a sad eyed emoji 🥺🥺 and asked if it was work or the website? I couldn’t pin anything in particular, I sure knew I wasn’t feeling good and she said “Maybe holiday syndrome”🤔. The moment she said this, I felt some sort of relief, maybe I wasn’t running mad after all. Then she suggested “What about a short note? You can just wrap up with an appreciation note you know? So it doesn’t seem like you left Mutterers hanging.” The irony right now is that this right here is the 776th word I have written🤣🤣, how does this equate to a short note?🤦‍♀️ I haven’t even birthed my words of appreciation yet😆.

 

MAYBE HOLIDAY SYNDROME

Never have I looked forward to a holiday than this one🥴. Never have I been exhausted from everyone and everything but I am😔. I am too exhausted to a point where it’s affecting my work productivity, I really cannot wait😢. I wish I could be daggered in a box to have my beauty sleep for 600 years🛌 but that will be over my parent’s dead body😤 because I can tell they swore a subconscious oath that while I’m on earth, they will ensure blood and sweat that I may never relax my nerves😭😭. I’m the only child currently in the house, my other siblings fled for safety to avoid unending errands 😒. If you still believe I’m a writer; you are partly wrong🤕, best believe I am a full-time maid who takes care of two elderly babies and two dogs🙄. It’s rotten luck to be the only child in the house, don’t let anyone butter you up with the lie that there will be plenty of food because even if there is, house chores zap you of all the energy you need to enjoy a meal🤮. A malnourished appetite is what you live with, always, and forever🤮.

holiday syndrome
Source- Parents

Most importantly, this holiday, I want to rest. Rest my head and possibly switch off my phones💆‍♀️. I had planned to visit the beach and some other places, but I’ll pass, I really do not have the energy to muster those electrifying beach perfect smiles👩‍🦯. If you plan on spending ample time on your bed like me this holiday, your goal is valid👊. Do not let anyone stop you from loving your bed even though the last time you visited the beach was since you were 10-years-old like me😴.

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Fun is like love. Like you need to love yourself first before you can seek it in someone else, fun is the same, learn to have fun with yourself first🙂. If you haven’t experienced stage one and you decide to throw caution to the wind this season, I pray your beach shirt gets burnt while ironing🤨 or the shoe you reserved for dirty December gets eaten by a rabid dog😕. Nonsense and ingredients😡! You all can’t keep making ‘we’ introverts feel bad🙄.

I WISH YOU ******

I don’t know what you love so that I can wish you get it but I know something you must love, and that’s Muttering Minds😆😆. If you don’t already love this community, then I wish you do😗. I wish you get choked by the obsession of every word here that you are provoked to leave a comment always😊. I wish you spread the goodnews of the interesting stories here aggressively as Paul did in Macedonia to the gospel of Christ😂😂. This is my wish for you, come 2021🤎. Do I sound selfish?🙊 Well, aren’t we all?😜 Or you expected me to say “I wish you what you wish for yourself”? That’s vague and how can I be sure your wish is not my death?🤷‍♀️ It’s out of harm’s way we play this way🤝.

holiday syndrome
Source- Medium

Sincerely, I thank you all for riding with me throughout 2020 ❤ and most especially understanding that I am human too, that’s what I love the most about our relationship here😁.  Your continuity to show up is my drive and be sure I do not take it for triviality. Above all, I wish you a peaceful holiday🤗, and if you ever get bored, feel free to send me an email (mutteringminds@gmail.com) so we can gossip some😜. You do know gossip is good relaxation for the nerves right🤪?

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This is officially the last post for the year💃💃, to resume next year, a date only God has the answer to👩‍🦯. However, I’ll like to officially announce that new stories will now be every Friday or Sunday as opposed to the subtle guesswork trauma I’ve been putting you all through for the past year🤭. Fridays for every other post and Sundays when it is religious inclined🤝. I pray the genie who blesses my spirit with the ingredient to procrastinate and be inconsistent departs from me in the New Year. I GOT THIS!!!💃💃

holiday syndrome
Source- Deviant Art

So let’s talk, what do you look forward to during this holiday?😃 How would you like to spend it? Any wish?😅 Remember, whatever you say is valid. Low-key I’m hoping I’m not alone on this sleep quest🙃, do not betray me, brethren, I repeat, DO NOT! Identify yourselves so I can form a sleep coven😂😂.

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Common, gist me, let’s talk in the comment section😁. And if you got any reservations about all I wrote so far, feel free to say too. I’m waiting. 😁👇

 

 

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7 min read

Sexuality is one of the biggest parts of who we are, it’s a key part of our characteristics that goes a long way into defining our personhood. Your sexuality is like your shadow, you can quench the light to avoid a clear image, but it wouldn’t stop following you everywhere you go. It is part of you.

About a month ago, I read a story on this blog about a lady who narrated how she skipped becoming a lesbian, my story is similar, not skipped, but dipped in a lezzy puddle… I am a lesbian.

lesbian in Nigeria muttering minds
Source- Pitzer College

From the moment I became 9-years-old, my parents started to become insecure because of my rapid growth, I was full in my chest, curvy, and looking sexually attractive for my age. They decided an all-girls school would save me from boys and unnecessary distractions, so my schooling was immediately processed to a missionary school; the holier the better I guess. I was advised to study hard only.

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You know how it is, getting to a new environment, you wanna know what really goes down in Las Vegas. The first orientation I got was tales of how senior students would try to lure junior students to sleep with them. Being inquisitive, I wondered how it would feel like laying with the same sex, I was young and wasn’t even nursing any sex drive. There were some targeted seniors whose names were mentioned to me as lesbians so I had a close gaze fixed on them.

lesbian in nigeria muttering minds
Source-Refinery29

One day during siesta, I decided I wasn’t going to sleep, luckily or maybe unluckily for me, I found these sets of seniors in an enclosed space making out. I could have run off to my room and pretended like I never saw a thing but instead I watched to a point where I got so aroused. Since the incident, I’ll reminisce on all they did and get even more aroused. That memory and feeling lived with me, the more I tried to suppress it, the more I yearned to replicate it with my girlfriends.

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In my JSS 2, my craving for girls became stronger. I heard of how people were caught in the act so I was scared to try or think about it. My school was a missionary school but I saw lots of nasty things girls do. In my JSS 3, a senior approached me to be friends but I declined because everyone knew she was a lesbian. I mean she could have been one in secrecy, I wouldn’t mind, but getting along with someone stale would let my caged cats out of the bag to the whole school.

lesbian in nigeria
Source- The Guardian

There’s this bonding category thing we did in school then,  we get to pair ourselves up for example as PALs(PERSONAL Admirable Lover), SALs (secret admirable lover), a class friend, a JAF(Just A Friend), and even vals during valentines day. This made me have access to different girlfriends for several purposes.  They knew my intention but were scared to try anything out rather we’ll give ourselves pecks, jokingly touched each other’s breast and emphasized how soft, small or big it was.

Read: Men Talk! How to Get Rid of Boners in Public

In my SS1, we were mixed with seniors in the hostel and as fate would play, the senior that tried to toast me in Js3 was in my room. She began sending me love letters which had a way of sparking up my sensual appetite, I looked forward to them. 

lesbian in nigeria
Source- Inspirationfeed

One night, she asked me to sleep on her bed, I agreed. She made attempts to touch me, I refused yet agreed to a kiss. It was my first kiss! It felt good, I wanted more but held back. Unluckily for me, my school mother who was in the same class with her somehow found out we spent the night together and came to accuse me of being a lesbian. I denied it. From there, the gist raised so much dust in the school and without hearing me out, my senior lover broke up with me. My first heartbreak! I was hurt! I cried so much! I pleaded for a comeback, but she was totally done with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, her smell, towel, beddings, and how soft her skin was even though we didn’t smooch. I wish we actually did.

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Well, much later that year, I got close to one of my mates who was very much sexy. I remember vividly our first encounter up the bunk where we talked about sex and one talk lead to another, she asked to make out with me, to which I agreed. When everyone was asleep, she started touching me, it felt so good. I turned to her and we kissed intensely, she touched my breast and smooched my body. I couldn’t help but cooperate, I had never felt that way before. The sensual urge made me feel so wet and then she fingered me countlessly which I enjoyed even more. 

That night opened my eyes going forward. I wanted more of that feeling, I wanted to be around females who looked like they wanted to experiment, I became less apologetic about lesbianism, and couldn’t wait to get out of school.

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lesbian in Nigeria

LEAVING SCHOOL & BEYOND

Leaving school was a different ball game entirely, all the girls I met were all talking about one male crush or the other, the sex adventures they looked forward to, and worse off, I discovered that the outer world was even more hostile about lesbianism. It became more scary and shameful to talk about my sexuality.

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I pressured myself into having a relationship with a male, just to be sure there was nothing wrong with me. We had good sex but believe me, it wasn’t as great as the lady I had been with. To enjoy the sex, I’ll imagine I was sexing a lady, her eating me out, sucking my boobs until my nipples turn red and more… all these imageries to get me to enjoy my time with a man. Maybe I am bisexual, just maybe…all I know is I prefer anything sensual with females.

lesbian in Nigeria

Luckily for me one time, I reconnected with my high school lover, that chic, and we had the most erotic bedroom adventure ever. Asides from the romance, the emotions, getting to hold a lady after such a long time, looking into her eyes and stuff, felt like magic. That moment gave me the closure I needed on my sexuality. I accepted that I am a lesbian and there was nothing I could do about it other than to live with it.

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Although It’s hard to find lesbians who come out open in Nigeria, because of the stigma, we connect through groups online and so far I have met a handful of amazing lesbians. Sometimes if it’s my lucky day, I get approached by a lady. Somehow I feel scared that I might have to bend for society someday because I wanna get married and have kids. So far the men I’ve met and opened up to about my sexuality appeared cool but marriage might not be easy. I have this idea of having a threesome with my husband, I think I can stomach it that way.

lesbian in Nigeria

On this note, I’ll like to add that the world is unfair to my kind, especially in Africa, Nigeria. Sex is one of the most popular topics discussed on a daily, yet it is truncated. How do you ask a person their opinion about sex without asking them about their sexuality? This should go hand in hand. Straight people enjoy sex talk until you let them in on your secret and then they make you feel creepy about it. What’s so creepy about being a lesbian or bisexual? How hard is it for straight people to understand that just the same way they cannot explain how they arrived at their sexuality, it’s the same for others? 

Read: Hypocrites! Homosexuality Is Not A Crime

Even though my profession will not permit me to identify with my sexuality, I hope that one day LGBTQ is made legal in Nigeria. Being bisexual, gay, or lesbian in Nigeria is not something that should be a secret, it’s something we should be bold about, we are humans too and deserve equal treatment. There are many LGBTQ persons in Nigeria, it could be your sister or your little brother who’s always by himself, seeming depressed and with low self-esteem. This, to say the least, is what suppressing sexuality does to a person, it’s suicide.

Let me ask you, in a world that’s homophobic if your child told you they were gay or lesbian, what would you do? I’ll also love to hear your candid opinion on homosexuality in Nigeria and if you are not straight, please feel free to leave me an insight on your sexuality discovery and journey. How did you get there? when did you discover YOU? And so far how’s it been?  The admin assured me here is a safe place, hence a partly motivation for sharing my story, I look forward to your comments. 👇👇

 

 

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8 min read

After one of the members on Naked Minds called my attention for using real-names instead of nicknames of fellow subscribers in reposting responses to stories, I made up my mind that I was going to apologize properly by letting you all in on my many nicknames; some of which are lost in space, I hope never to find the need of them again😐.

Nicknames are cool, at least for me. Lowkey, I suffer from a fevered admiration for people who get called by their nicknames so often that even their close friends forget what their real names sound like. Do you have people like this around you? Well, I got one, his nikky is ‘Effect’…my nigga’s so hardworking his peers and superiors felt an uncommon urge to christen him again😄. His real name and his abilities are like oil and water, gargle at your own risk, they both won’t gel. Wondering what it is? Well, I don’t know either🙈…met him as Effect, and Effect he shall continue to be…what I don’t know can’t hurt me🤡.

nickname

IF YOU LAUGH…I SHOOT!

Well, getting a unique and popular nickname was a goal for me in secondary school. It felt tech to own one, I wanted to belong by all means. And even if I said no to the mantle, these slum/parting books staged themselves at playful corners waiting to embarrass me🤕. How do I tell the owner of a Slum book that I got no nickname to fill? and even if I left it vacant without her knowledge, eventually, in the long future when she revisits it, she’s hit suddenly by the trauma of how weird I was in high school. Not me! I didn’t want anyone to have such memories about me😂😂.

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So I ferried on a nickname quest🚣‍♀️. I began asking friends what they felt will soothe me for a nickname, specifically one they can call me any time even in public. I remember brainstorming with Ayomide, my bunkmate, and some others. As expected, they coined appellations from my English name ‘Doris’. Sure you can already predict the kind of nicknames they came up with. ‘Dodo’, ‘Dori Baby’, even the spelling backward jinx ‘Sirod’. Yuck! 🤮

nickname

I wasn’t having it. They all felt cliche. “Common now, I’m bigger than all this jargon🙄”, I often said this within me anytime they suggested some dementia allusive nikky. Do you ever know what you want sometimes but then shy to say it, instead you look for someone to help push you to your death so that at the end of the day, you can have a name to blame when things fall apart?😹 This was the game I was playing but how disappointing, no one thought in my direction😫. 

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“How about something sexy and mischievous?”, I suggested in a low tone. Trust the girls on this one 🤣🤣🤣, names started flying up and down. Guess the name I settled for 😭😭…‘SEXY BREEZE’ !!! oh, my days!!! Looking back now, I feel so embarrassed. Were my bunch of friends so stupid or I was the stupid one for agreeing to be coined a nickname for a tomfool?🤒 I definitely was so stupid! You need to see the way I blushed whenever someone called me ‘Sexy Breeze’. It felt so dope mehn😂😂!. But unfortunately, the name didn’t bring as much popularity as expected so I ferried on another quest🚣‍♀️.

nickname

Thanks to my very stupid friends again, I was caught between choosing  ‘MYSTIQUE’ or ‘SEDUCTIVE MYSTIQUE’. Being an Oliver twist, I decided to do both. Depends on what mood I was in whenever someone handed me their slum book to fill. If I felt like a ‘Mystique’, then Mystique it is; if I felt spicy at the time, then ‘Seductive’ came before the ‘M’😹. 

I still didn’t make the hall of fame with any of them. The only person who made me feel really welcomed with the name was one of my friends Tope, who had her  feet swept off in admiration that she had to nikky herself  ‘SEDUCTIVE SEDUCTRESS’ How insane?!😂😂 I remember hailing her to her face and screaming “bloody copy cat” in my mind😫. Asides from my unreserved hate for copycats, I deserved to be the only ‘seduction’ in school dammit! 😐

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Reflecting on how stupid the nicknames were, I should have left her to bear all of them. To date, Ayomide still taunts me with these nicknames. So if I become president tomorrow, this is how she’ll reveal one of my many foolish decisions in life right😫! Wicked girl!🤕 Not like hers was any better, who the f*** bears ‘Ayomzy Delight’?  Only hoodlums😂😂

names nickname
Source Cliparts

STILL FOOLISH?

Joining Facebook after secondary school and seeing the way people spelled their usernames started to tickle my fancy. For example, someone who bears ‘Ayomide’ refines the spelling to ‘Haryohmide’. Mehn that shit looked so dope to me and if I don’t belong, who will🙈? But it was so heartbreaking, all my many remixes didn’t sound nice and I wasn’t with my foolish friends anymore to help me figure it out. Looking back now, I bless God o, otherwise they would have given me a remix best for simpletons😂😂. However, I got one, all thanks to my ex.

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 What I was searching for was right beside me but I couldn’t see it… One day I decided to check my baby boy’s phone to see what he used in saving my number and boom! I saw ‘DHAUREYZ’… this was his remix for ‘DORIS’. It felt so cool, I adopted it without blinking, and to date, I use it for virtually everything; pseudonyms, emails, social media, etc. I know you are trying so hard to pronounce it 🤣🤣🤣… take it easy on yourself, a lot have bitten their tongues on that quest.

names nickname

DREAMS ACTUALLY DO COME THROUGH…

And the last one…. Hopefully not the least🎯…My long lost dream of having a nickname that replaces my own name finally came to pass in the university. Hurrayyyyy!!!💃💃 Blow the trumpets!!!🥳🥳  Oh, my days! Even though I blacklisted the hostel because of my experience with infection, I must admit my time spent there was exhilarating.  

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I like to believe I was a hot cake, I mean hot inside the brain o and maybe a portion of hot outside🤡. Then I used to be more involved in poetry, brewing, and writing everywhere in the school (for those who cared to read anyway😁). And then I got big news that I was nominated for the Nigerian Writers Award, for Poetry Writer of the year category. I was more shocked than excited when I saw the news online (this is a story for another Naked Minds gist😆). That type of shock where you recheck for the umpteenth time to see if it’s really your name and if it is, you’re still in shock because you think the news is for someone else who bears your exact names. That’s how I felt.

names nickname
Source- ArtStation

I broke the news to one of my close friends Victoria and before I knew it, she started hailing and shouting ‘UJU MALOO’… what is ‘MALOO’??? I had no idea but it sounded cool, although with a blend of ‘razness’, I loved it. That was how the name flew🚀. I stayed in the hostel for two years and throughout the time, I was either called ‘Maloo’ or ‘Uju Maloo’. Maloo is a Yoruba word and depending on the caller’s tone, it could mean ‘Go’ or ‘Come’. But to Victoria, she meant ‘Go’, more like “keep on moving and winning Uju”. 

Read: You Can Never Be Yourself!

To cut the story short, ‘Maloo’ faded as soon as I left the hostel😓. But of course, I still saw some of the hostel mates who would always shout it out whenever they saw me on the walkway or somewhere in the school😄. It always felt like home. Even now, whenever I hear someone speaking Yoruba and says ‘Maloo’, it has a way of putting a genuine smile on my face😁.

names nickname
Source- Deviant Art

THE ESSENCE

Although added a little spice to this article on publishing here, it’s actually a Naked Minds exclusive. You better join cause I won’t be betraying my coven anytime soon again😫. 

Asides that this is an intended fun post to get us to unwind and sign out gradually from this puzzle-twisting year, I wanted to poke the essence of names🌚. Names are either  powerful or impotent. Some are sweet, some are salty to the ears. Some sound so sweet yet  a profitless meaning💩…some are an ear sore, but got beautiful meaning. You hear some names and you’re like “Huh? You mean your parents actually gave you this name😳”…that embarrassing! I wouldn’t want to mention names lol.

name nickname
Source- Medium

Most part of me wanting a nickname by force was because I didn’t see my two names as good enough and soothing for my personality. Have you ever pondered on your name(s) and asked yourself “why me”? Why did my parents choose to call me this? Well, I did for ‘Doris’, still stuck on trying to love the name🙁. I couldn’t fall in love with it because of the many unappealing tones people prefer to pronounce it😤. I wish I could insert an audio sample🤧. But I’ve always loved Obianuju (since I got mature though), and even invested more love for it after my parents told me I was named ‘Obianuju’ because shortly after my birth they both bagged a huge salary increase at work. Obianuju means ‘Born into wealth’ …but the meaning of Doris always fluctuates between the ‘bad and good’ whenever I look it up😏. There’s never been a unified meaning, I think whoever invented the name was six feet buried in confusion at the time😬.

Read: Parents Are The Best Pretenders

Have you ever reflected on your names before?🤔 Heard some of you got like seven and counting🤠, unlike me, I wasn’t fortunate enough to be named by all the prominent members of my extended family🤣🤣. I’ll love to know your names and what you feel about them. Would you say they resonate with your personality or your parents deserve 600 years for such cruelty? 😂😂

Nickname name
Source- The New Yoker

Hmmmmm about my many nicknames 🤐… what’s yours and how did you come by it? I like to believe the way some of these nikky’s sound is the reason we choose them, not necessarily what they mean🤭. Did you at some point want a nickname so bad like I did? Do you have a past regrettable nickname🤣🤣? And you see that name, yes! That very one you use on IG and Twitter… How did you arrive there?  ‘Sexy posh’, ‘Dragon’, ‘Barbie doll’, ‘Cupcake’, “Renegade’ …Is that you? 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

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Warning!!! Do not try to taunt me with my first three nicknames, otherwise I go comot ya teeth just now😂😂. I’m curious to hear yours, I will try not to laugh. Common… Let me in😌, leave me a comment 😂😂👇👇

P.s. I want to propose that parents should leave about one or two name slots open until a child is grown so we can name ourselves according to our personalities. Dear future kids, I got you😆!

 

 

Do not forget to like, rate, and share this article!😁

 

 

8 min read

I was numb, clueless, I stared at my computer for a while, not remembering one thing she taught me a few seconds ago🥴. How do you teach someone something so casually and expect them to pick the baton effortlessly?🤒 Or maybe it’s not rocket science, every educated adult ought to be familiar with this, should be a shame she’s teaching me😪. Here I was, still staring keenly at the computer, questioning my cluelessness yet also trying to maintain a pose like I knew what I was doing. I played with the mouse for a while and the keyboard too, beating the letters like one of those secretaries I admire in the movies, only that no boss could break the shame by requesting for a cup of coffee at the moment🥺. 

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social hiccups
I was numb, Clueless… (photo source- Business Insider)

“You know what, fuck it!”, I murmured under my breath🤨. “Rita please could you help me out with this again, I actually don’t know how to do it🥴”. I asked with a shy tone coated in shame. Rita gave me a busy and subtle nasty look yet tried to cover up by acting like it’s nothing to not know. But I can swear that deep down her mind, she screamed “OLODO! OLODO! WHY SO DUMB?!” 🧐🧐

I grew up late, not age-wise but exposure. Most of the things I saw my age mates do, I couldn’t, and rather than try whenever I found an opportunity, I always avoided it for fear of not embarrassing myself. 

social life
I grew up late, not age-wise but exposure. (Source- Quiet Revolution)

COMPUTERS

Growing up, computers topped the pyramid of the things I avoided like a plague😵. My parents are not tech-savvy people, they enjoy their simple life and only believe in providing a child with what they need. By need, I mean food, clothes, school. And these three come with no side attraction☹. For food, it’s the normal food you know, clothes, nothing extra, and tuition fees had no excursions or luxury classes included. “God When” was the most popular phrase that dominated my mind as a teenager…nah, it wasn’t me wishing for a relationship, but when I’ll finally stop getting scared of computers🤢. An icing to my fears was that everyone around me thought I knew these things because I was book smart so this made it worse that whenever an opportunity came, I got scared and would usually pull away rather than reveal a side to my unseen foolishness😒. 

Read: 5 Tech Phobias You Never Knew Existed

This was the order of my growth up until the university stage, and even after until it got to a point I couldn’t run anymore; at this point, I was already quite familiar with Microsoft Office, and locating the media software of a computer, nothing more. My worst nightmare became real when I got a job as a writer for a firm and was assigned my own computer. How people expect you to know how to use things when they haven’t seen you do so remains a mystery😟. Everyone seemed too busy to care if I knew how to use Google Docs or WordPress, and then newbies like Slack, Workable, Trello, Betrix24, which I had never heard of in my life. Christ! I was a mess. How do I confess my ignorance? 😭😭

social hiccups
Christ! I became a mess. How do I confess my ignorance?

“Oooh Doris😡😡!! I’m not sure you are fit for this job, since you got here we haven’t reached our goal😡” My line-manager made it hell for me with her unkind words. Imagine giving me a target of reporting at least six stories daily and all I could deliver was one and a half😶. Tragic. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to write but I couldn’t multitask the browser and Microsoft app on a computer. So what I did was to browse with my phone, write on my jotter before typing with the system🥵🥵. 

Read: When You No Longer Work There

How I conquered my phobia for computers was that after depriving my eyes of plenty of tears every morning😭😭, I usually put a call across to my friend to help me every time at work. As time went on, I also mastered the art of watching; once a colleague started explaining something to me, I gave unreserved attention. At some point too, I realized there was actually no big deal in saying these; “I don’t know”, “Can you explain again?”, even for the umpteenth time. I became better at the job and started to report about eight stories daily. Now I can proudly say that I am good with the computer and also numerous software. 😄

social
Source- Women Who Hope

PUBLIC SPEAKING 

I hate the fact that workplaces are fastly taking a cue from the school system😑. As an adult, I believe I reserve the right to take up a course on my own will and most importantly talk at my will too. But No! This is not the case for workplaces at least not anymore😬. Growing up, I hated public speaking even down to the barest minimum of reading a note aloud to five people🙃. I feigned a terrible illness at the time I was supposed to defend my project for my BS.c degree, that’s how bad I hate public speaking🙄.

Read: A Quagmire is Safer with Friends Inside

Now, the workplace makes it even more infuriating because I cannot run unless I want to starve. Nothing pisses me off in a workplace (asides from owing salaries🤧) than knowing that I have been assigned a course to learn on Coursera or Udemy and worst off present it in front of my colleagues. Yuck! Jeez!🤮🤮 Can the world end already?!

social hiccup
Source- SHRM

And whilst I’m talking and my colleagues keep staring at me like geckos😏…what disrespect!  The last time I checked I was employed as a writer, not a speaker😔.

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Not sure I can conquer this side of me no matter the clever tips I read on google🤒, I still stutter, murder tautology a thousand times, and worse off doesn’t even make sense to me, let alone the others😴😴. It’s as though my head spins on a merry go round the moment I am assigned to speak. (Yes! I am that writer who speaks like an illiterate especially in public👩‍🦯👩‍🦯). 

 

HANGING OUT, DATES ( EXCLUSIVE FORK AND KNIFE AFFAIR)

 Pushing me out to dance in parties as a kid did some psychological damage that defiled my morale for attending social gatherings as an adult😔. I am a bad dancer but African brethren don’t get this truth (coconut heads🙄). I hated going to birthday parties because all the times I went, there was always a group of aunties forcing me to dance against my will☹. In the end, I come last. Pathetic. Now I hate going out because it still feels my outings have been jinxed; always a sour memory, if not from the road/bus passengers, then its the location and the events that unfold😨. 

Read: Why I Hate Mutual Friends
social life escalator
An escalator

You see escalators, whoever invented those hated me even before meeting me personally🙁. I never want to find myself having to use it; stairs all the way. My most horrid memory about it was when I went on a movie date with my ex (after much postponing😓). “Omon please let’s use the stairs, I’m scared of this shit,” I communicated my fears but he felt he got things in control (as per knight in shining armor🙄). Going up was successful, we had a nice time at the movies but coming down with the escalator was a failed gravity. My precious Zara sandals which I wore to impress suddenly got hooked somewhere at the edge😱😱, yet the escalator kept rolling as though about to devour my foot😭😭. 

Read: How we have Become Familiar Strangers to each Other

“Chai! Sorry o” “Ah fine girl, what happened now”…typical Nigerians and their love for throwing sympathies yet laughing😦. Everyone had something to say that day as they passed, meanwhile, my ex was trying so hard to hold his laughter and also making sure I didn’t lose my mind. The engineer finally came after 600 years of calling for help😭😭. He managed to get my foot off my sandals first and then unhooked my sandals with some tools. It was embarrassing😵. What made me a bit cool was him saying that I wasn’t the first and a lot of sandals and flip-flops were currently stuck inside it. Our date was ruined, to hell with this social life! 😔 all I wanted was to vanish from the mall to hell with the chicken and chips I was promised, mama’s taste better anyway☹☹. 

How to make perfect, crispy and flavourful french fries at home

The incident made me renew my vows about not going out again😴. I still miss my innocent Zara sandals who got bruised for my sake and couldn’t walk the roads again😓😓. RIP footie, your death taught me never to dress to impress.😬

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 “Ah, we should hang out sometime”“My friends are throwing a party, I’ll love you to attend”. Excuse you! Why me?🙁 Please leave me alone! Aside from the few yet memorable bad luck I’ve encountered while hanging out, I get very jittery, more like I develop anxiety disorder whenever someone says we should hang out😖. For instance, if the date is two weeks away, I begin to over reason the event, people I’m likely to meet, will anyone be talking to me when I don’t want to?🤔 Will I be able to crack my chicken bones?🤭 Ding! Dong! What on earth am I going to wear!? 🤯🤯 Thinking over and over gives me a headache and before you say jack, I’ve researched a perfect suitable lie to ensure we don’t see.🤪

social hiccup
Excuse you! Why me? Please leave me alone!

Now the flip-side is, to get more connections (networking🤝), you need to hang out more, so what do I do with my life? I resolved that I’ll start going out often but the red lines in my bank account are solely responsible for this defiance.😌

Read: Detty December! If You Must Come Along…

And then the fear of not knowing how to eat with a fork and knife… Whoop! Whoop! Perhaps we should leave this part for a future publication😂😂. I’ll keep admiring people who go out on dinner dates. Bold strokes. Let it remain wishful thinking for me, I don’t mind🤗.

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The things I’ve avoided growing up are things I ended up needing to sharpen my adulthood. It feels good opening up about these pertinent three and even feels better knowing that learning has been so feasible and somewhat enjoyable😃. 

date night
I’ll keep admiring people who go out on dinner dates. Bold strokes.

How about you? Did you hit a stumbling block growing up? 🤔 Or maybe still battling some social glitches, huh? Do you feel your social life is moving at a snail speed like mine? I want to learn about those embarrassing times (social hiccups🤭) in your life and possibly how you overcame them too. And if you got nothing on you, a reaction to my own experience will be great. Leave me a comment pleaseeeee.🙋‍♀️👇👇

7 min read

Do you often sit and reflect on the many religious practices we have in the world? When I do sometimes, I get a headache. My mind finds itself second-guessing the essence of Christendom, You know why? It is because some bigots who share this same religion with me act in a lethal manner and it makes me sick🤢.

One time, I came across a post on social media where a guy was lamenting that his mum was given Sallah meat by their neighbor, she accepted the meat and went into the kitchen to re-fry it with ‘anointing oil’🤨. I was aghast by such a narrative. I dug deeper into the comment section and the majority of the feedback got me worried about we so-called Christians.

Church shock

Some actually applauded his mum for being kind enough to re-fry, unlike them, they would throw away theirs or feed it to the dogs. Why would you accept the meat when you know you wouldn’t eat it? Or wait a minute, let me cut loose some slack. I know it can be hard to say NO when someone offers you something on the spot, especially given the occasion but rather than throw it away why not give it to someone who has nothing to eat? Most so-called Christians claim they love giving but find it hard to make an effort to give.🤦‍♂️

Read: Do you Believe in Destiny or Multiple Storylines?

Then I stumbled on an interesting comment where a lady narrated that her mum gave her Sallah meat to throw away but she didn’t, instead she hid the meat inside the freezer, a few days later, she prepared a delicious soup with it and served it to her mum. After her mum finished eating, she then told her where the meat came from. Her mum was devastated😂😂 but there was nothing she could have done, she already ate the meat, neither did she die as a result of it. How hilarious!😂😂

Sharia vs. the gospel - Islam - WORLD
Source- World News Group

THE SUPERIORITY OF LOVE

If you are familiar with the bible stories, you can recall that in Matthew 22:37-40, When the disciples asked Jesus of the greatest commandment in the law, he replied to them saying that the first is to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. The second is to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Now here’s the interesting part, in verse 40, Jesus said “And the law and prophets hang on these two commandments”.

Read: Sundays, for Fashion, not Sermon

This means that whatever law was given to Moses hovers around these two. And in my opinion, is greater than whatever your pastor or reverend says also. My reference to the church heads is deliberate because the majority of them stir the foundation for these religious wars. 1 Corinthians 13, 4-5, puts that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

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How many church leaders can boast of exercising these qualities of love fully? 🤷‍♂️Among fellow Christians and even towards the ones we tag as ‘non-believers’ (Muslims).

Christians church shock
Source-Eskispaper

THE SUPERIORITY OF CHURCH DENOMINATIONS

While I reflected on why we fail to love and condone Muslims or other non-Christians in ways that are right as the bible preaches, it dawned on me that the possibility of achieving it is a far cry away. You ask why? It is because we have failed to love ourselves well enough to extend it. Rather than love, we prefer to butt-heads over the superiority of church denominations. As evidently seen, It is a case of “my church is better than yours”. Here’s a subtle peek of what goes on.

GIRL A- Hey😃, my church is having a retreat, I’ll love you to attend.

GIRL B- Nah, I’ll pass, my pastor says it’s not right to worship somewhere else😑. Besides, I don’t understand why the ladies in your church do not cover their hair.🤧

Christians
Are Christians reading the same bible?

There’s so much conflict surrounding Christianity that unity has become lost in space. While some denominations believe that it is okay for females not to cover their hair while praying, some preach to cover every strand of hair even the ones elapsing the forehead region. Some emphasize the importance of attending church service barefoot while wearing a white garment, some welcome the fancy attires. And it brings one pertinent question to mind; Are Christians reading the same holy book at all?🤷‍♂️

 

THE ROOT OF DISUNITY IN CHRISTIANITY 

If we want to address the conflict surrounding Christianity, we should start with the numerous translations in the Bible. As much as these translations were made for a better understanding of Christians, the omitted words and new words being added has watered down the genuine message of the Bible. For instance, the discrepancy between King James Version (KJV) and the New international version (NIV). Here’s an example;

Luke 4:4(KJV) says;  “man shall not live by bread alone but by every word of God

Luke 4:4 (NIV) says; “man shall not live by bread alone”

The other part of the sentence which should be the most important was omitted.

Christians bible translations
The omitted words and new words being added has watered down the genuine message of the Bible.

Another example is from the book of Acts;

Act 8:37 (KJV) says “And Philip said, If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest. And he answered and said, I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.”

Act 8:37 (NIV) was totally omitted from the Bible.

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Is there a reason for these omissions? Is it intentional? Or an honest mistake?🤦‍♂️ These omissions have totally changed the message these individual chapters are trying to pass across and this will create a different perception amongst Christians. One would begin to wonder, which version do we adhere to? 🙅‍♂️

Read: Was it a Miracle or by Force?

Another root cause of conflict in Christianity is the founding fathers or so-called General Overseers. “My pastor said”…” My reverend said”. If we claim we serve the same God, why does a so-called GO refuse to bless the marriage of a sister in church who’s set to wed a brother from another denomination? Why must the marriage be crowned on the basis of conversion?💁‍♂️There are tons of distasteful rules and church shocks pertaining to church denominations that make an average Christian feel lost.☹

Christians church shock
“My pastor said”…”My reverend said”. Image source- Fast Company

You might wanna argue that people ought to know God for themselves, while I will agree to an extent, it is also important to note that there is a tendency for the mind to be gullible or better put yielding to those we hold in high esteem. No matter how learned you are, you fall sometimes and it’s the same with Christians. We trust our Pastors enough to walk behind them with our eyes closed. Just like the school system where we trust our lecturers completely to instill knowledge.

 

UNTIL THEN…

Humanity is by far the greatest religion but I am afraid Christians will never be able to enjoy the benefits so long as there is the barrier of denominations and conflicting tutelage. The Muslims we castigate have unison in their worship, this should tell us something. Until we ditch denominations, until a Christian is able to walk into any church to worship, until we adopt a single bible version…until these can be fixed at least, then we might be able to love ourselves genuinely🤒. It will ignite a chain reaction of love all over the world. That will lead to peace and tolerance amongst everyone irrespective of religion or tribe or race. There would be nothing like, I can’t marry a Muslim or a Sabbath worshipper, or Jehovah’s witnesses, All these rubbish will seize to exist.🤧

Read: Culture Shock! How Incogorous is the Road that Leads Home
Christians church shock
Humanity is by far the greatest religion but I am afraid Christians will never be able to enjoy the benefits

CHURCH SHOCK AND MAYBE SOME COMIC RELIEF😏…

Not in a bid to spite any church denomination but this should be fun (maybe😉)…There are doctrines of some churches that are so astonishing to me; I’ll mention just one, there’s a church denomination that the members are not to eat crayfish🤭. I wonder what the poor fish did to them or how their food would taste😔. How about you? What are the doctrines some churches practice that get you shocked?

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Tell me about your church too. In my Church the ladies are allowed to pray with their hair uncovered, can you guess what church I attend😆? Also about today’s post, I’ll like to get your opinions in the comment section. What do you suggest is the way forward to achieve unity in Christianity? Leave me a comment, please.👇👇

6 min read

Fetish! Fetish! Fetish!🤤 So tell me, do you have one? I presume it’s one of those topics you’ll prefer to remain buried in your closet that is why I decided to kill two birds with one stone by pitching the discussion on Fetish and Obsessions. This means only one thing, if you don’t have a fetish or feel uncomfortable sharing, then you must be obsessed with something…like the smell of your own fart maybe.🤭

Yeah, you heard me. I know the last thing you want to do is smelling someone’s fart but guess what, you’ve been missing all along. Sniffing farts has its own health benefits. According to research, hydrogen sulfide, the gas that gives flatulence its repulsive smell, reduces the risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer and helps stave off dementia. Since I found out, it started to seem like I became obsessed with breaking the wind although not gathered enough confidence to savor the richness deeply because it perpetually gives me an obnoxious feeling🤮. For real though, you should research the benefits of inhaling farts, I assure you that going forward you’ll feel more confident letting out that air. 😌

Why do your farts smell that bad?RateMDs Health News

Obsessions First!

I am obsessed with the smell of menthol. The smallest sniffle from a menthol bottle is enough to make me feel alive; I inhale so deeply it feels like I just clinched an orgasm. My nostrils are promiscuous when it comes to trying out menthols, they are so trained they can tell what brand makes the best and the brands making a rookie mistake. When I was younger, I dug a hole in our mattress, I would usually pinch the foam off daily because I needed a stench of menthol to see me off to school. Every morning I will dip a piece of foam in a menthol jar to be sure it’s well saturated in it then I’ll hold it with me and sniff it at intervals. As an adult, it’s my handkerchief that bears the brunt. You’ll always find a yellow stain because of its continuous immersion in Menthol. 🙃

Are you also obsessed with Menthol? I’ve met some people who get agitated at the smell of it. If you are one, NEWSFLASH…! THAT’S YOUR CUP OF TEA!.☹ Hmmm, what else am I obsessed with? I used to love binge drinking Fanta and popcorn. The duo played well as the perfect couple for my belly, in fact offering me a treat with the combo was a way to appease me if you fell off my wagon. But not anymore after the boy I loved who always gave me so much of it got ****** (fill the gap). Now my current man serves me Malt and Milk goals, should I be scared? 🧘‍♀️
fetish
As an adult, it’s my handkerchief that bears the brunt. You’ll always find a yellow stain because of its continuous immersion in Menthol.

Even though I read that any obsession is dangerous, we all gotta be obsessed with something. You’re probably saying to yourself right now “But I got none?” Guess what, some people are actually obsessed with smelling their armpit and chances are that you fall in that category. If your answer is ‘NO’, it means you love to itch underneath and relish on the odor like a sumptuous three square meal…right?? 😜You gotta have an obsession. Shuuuuuu🤫… its porn right? Don’t worry, I promise not to tell.

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And then there’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I like to believe I’ve escaped from. Thanks to my little Nephew who scatters the house immediately I’m done arranging. His action proved to me that some obsessions die after all by mere looking away. No therapy needed.💆‍♀️

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And then there’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I think I’ve escaped from…

Now What??? FETISH!!!

Can I plead the fifth in telling my fetish? I was rooted to the spot the day I read a story on one of these relationship blogs about a man saying he couldn’t cum except he is sexing his lady on her period. LIKE!!! MENSTRUAL BLOOD IS WHAT TICKLES SOMEONE!!! I thought sexual intercourse should be avoided at that time of the month.🤢

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I became curious about knowing people’s fetishes. I needed to be sure I had friends on the normal side because people can look normal but they’ll have you running for your dear life the day you discover all that’s buried in their closet. 

fetish
LIKE!!! MENSTRUAL BLOOD IS WHAT TICKLES SOMEONE!!!

In case you are a little lost, a fetish is typically referred to as a behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without. It is also a term people use to describe sexual arousal that is coupled with a typically non-sexual object. For instance, there are some men who cannot make sweet love to a lady except she’s on heels, some ladies love role-playing, some are attracted to piercings, some, a certain color or type of underwear, etc. All these are mild fetishes.

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Some fetishes are really weird and bother more on the obsessive, for example, Gerontophilia (feeling sexual attraction for only people way older than you), foot fetish (licking the feet of your sexual partner) BDSM ( sex practices involving bondage, discipline, submission, and sadomasochism), etc. the most common under this is ‘Spanking’. Do you know that some people find sexual gratification through bleeding or blood? It’s called Hematolagnia. After I read this, I became less shocked about the man who loves period blood. Still strikes illegal in my eyes though.

Meet the person who gets turned on by gushing nosebleeds | Metro News

So I did a mini collation of fetishes from friends…stick with me…

“I can’t explain my love for breasts and cunnilingus (giving head). For some reason, I enjoy giving head to having sex. I’m not even the one getting the pleasure but it’s something I love so much, that’s the reason I don’t have sex with any girl that comes my way cause I want to eat her. As for my love for breasts, it’s that bad that a certain girl had to save my contact as ‘BREAST’.”- Storm.

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“I weirdly enjoy pain during sex. On me though. I like my girl to scratch and bite and beat my chest and all that…lol. It’s mad steamy. That’s my fetish”- Bite

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As for my love for breasts, it’s that bad that a certain girl had to save my contact as ‘BREAST’

“Lol, I don’t have one. I think people that have fetishes are those that are sexually active, I might be wrong. But for my ex, he liked to bite my cheek, that was his own fetish”.– Aure

“I personally get aroused by V-line abs. Not every guy has it, even some guys with packs don’t have it. That alone can make me take off my pants. But then he has to be shirtless, wearing loose pants or just boxers for me to see it.”– Jules

Read: Men Talk! How To Get Rid of Boners in Public

“I like thighs cause they are attractive to look at, sensual to touch, and exciting to play with. Thighs give a sense of innocence. The fairer the thigh, the better. (For obvious reasons).”- Obuora

fetish
Let’s play a game, ‘Fetish or Obsessions or Both’.

These were my best five responses. They made me laugh and imagine quite some sensual rubbish though. While Fetishes can be an obsession, an obsession is not always a fetish, now you see why I picked the duo for a discussion, there’s an obvious thin line. But what causes people to have sexual fetishes though? 

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You know what, let’s play a game, ‘Fetish or Obsessions or Both’. I’ll love to hear about your fetish or obsession (or both), and what you think caused it. It’s okay if you cannot trace the cause. I know you’re longing to hear my fetish, well I mentioned it earlier, mine is the most common under ****. If you’re fond of deliberately skipping lines when you read, then you missed mine. Perhaps you should just forget about it and say yours.😴

 

6 min read

There’s always that one thing we want but we will never get, maybe, just maybe when we take our minds off the wishful thinking, that’s when it will come. Not promising, but this has always been a consolation response to me whenever I complain to my friends about how slim I am and cannot wait to grow fat.

Bowled over? It’s not like I am too thin but then…all my life, I have longed to be a little thick at least especially on some strategic part of my body but my creator wouldn’t let me shine on that path. Since I became aware of myself I don’t think I have ever changed in looks or size. “Vampire”“Uju you are perfect the way you are”“You are so small and cute””I wish I had your body”… blah blah blah… You really do think that’s a compliment right? You wish! Well, maybe sometimes.

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It was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

The mistake most people make is that they think every slim person loves the way they are and that every fat person curses the day they were born. Do you ever stop to think for a second that some slim people actually hate it when you emphasize their body weight? Well, I belong to that one percent of the one percent who hate it when you do. Don’t ask me when I would gain weight or why I haven’t added since we left high school. It is rude. 

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That was how the other day I ran into a mate from high school and the first thing she said was “Ah Doris! you haven’t changed, you are still small”. I had to morsel laugh for pretense sake but after she left I began analyzing her birdbrained approach. I concluded it was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

MY WEIGHT GAIN TRICK AND BACK TO SQUARE ZERO

Being slim can be very fine especially on tall people but if you are ‘slim and short’ like me, you will agree with me that beauty goes on vacation sometimes without seeking your permission. My body is like a chameleon only that it changes its weight instead of color. Small stress and I deflate. One minute I am happy to have gained 2kg and the next minute I am 4kg down. How annoying? It’s like one step forward and a million miles backward.

Read: What Is Perception To You?

So I discovered a weight gain trick two years ago. I started going to the gym. Daily. The first time I stepped my feet at the gym, it felt as odd as a baby enrolling for a Master’s Degree. “Ah”“What do you want to lose”“Do you want to disappear?” So many discouraging remarks but I didn’t give up. Specifically, I told the gym instructor that I wanted to add, not lose weight, “build my shape”. I started building my muscles and strength and taking lots of protein shakes. Little or no aerobics, deadlifts, lunges, leg lifts, squatting, and more. Squatting was my favorite exercise because I wanted to be just as bad as sexy and guess what, it worked. I built my muscles so much that I gained 10kg in five months. From 50kg to 60kg; well-shaped and a little thick. It was like Christmas in June until I got a nine to five job that swept me off my joy.

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From 50kg to 55kg; well-shaped and a little thick.

The new weight and look became history. I felt sad and still is. Initially, I tried to keep up with the gym during weekends but it felt like gaining only to lose it the next minute. There was no point. Little stress and small omissions that should become part of life because of our drive to make ends meet are bad for me. Stress like jumping buses from Monday to Friday, skipping meals, working hard, going for holidays…etc. they all take a toll on my weight. Now I weigh 49kg!! And the most unfair part of all these is that I see people who do worse than I do, gaining weight effortlessly while I get thinner than thin. This life is so unbalanced. If riches cannot be equal, let weight be even at least.

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I should chip in that the only sign that I am likely to be as thick as I crave in the future is my butts. There’s something about my butts, as a matter of fact, it is my most precious asset before my *****. It gives me joy that something can at least grow and be visible when you look at me but its glory fluctuates too. Sometimes it appears super full like some huge melons and admirable especially after doing some rigorous squats indoors. Other times my two butt cheeks betray me by looking like pullets. Times like this, don’t tell me I have lost weight, I know, you don’t have to rub it in. The moment someone says to me “Ah Uju, you are starting to lose weight again”… by default my response is usually “Including my butts?”. If they concur automatically I sink into depression because for it to go down, then it is that bad.
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Including my butts?

IT IS DEPRESSING 

You think that every slim person has it happy right? Well, it’s not the same for me. How do you explain seeing a really gorgeous dress you can afford and you purchase it only for it to be falling off your shoulders? Or the seller subtly screams at your face saying “leave it, it won’t fit you”. Deep down, she knows you won’t bring out the beauty of the dress.

Read: Addiction Is Not As Straightforward As You Think

You also think every slim person got there by default right? “Oh, it’s her nature”… well, it’s not for some. Some people are sick and the more they take their medications, fat has no place to stay. Some slim persons like me cannot even explain their body type. Sometimes I undergo forced feeding yet, nothing to show for it. Just like losing weight is a struggle for some, gaining weight is a slice of tough meat for me.

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Meeting a slim person does not give you the right to start measuring the size of their arm with your fingers. It’s not cute. Or the name callings like “lepa”, “Broom Stick”, “Thinny” etc. These are very ugly names and full-blown body shaming that we have remained oblivious to. Except someone tells you that they like some part of their body, it doesn’t give you the right to assume that it’s good for them and start making jokes. The fact that a lot of people want something doesn’t guarantee that those who have it are happy with it.

I’m GOING BACK!

Well! Well! Well! Maybe you are slim and you love you just the way you are, that’s cool. As for me, l love me and will love me even more with some more flesh.

I want to put on some healthy weight gain. And since I discovered the trick that works best for me is the gym, I’m going back. COVID took the nine to five away so I decided to look on the bright side of things. I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg. I hope to get there before the year runs. Possible? We shall see… I’ll try to keep you posted

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slim
I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg.

My weight is one of my biggest insecurities. Talking about it with you Mutterers brings a sense of relief. Do you mind sharing with me your insecurities too? or perhaps we are walking in the same shoes, I’ll like to hear… or better still you got some advice on how I can gain some weight without going to the gym? 

I’ll be waiting in the comment section.

 

6 min read

Do you ever read a passage in the bible and get slightly pissed at God? You read and you’re like “What was he thinking? This is so unfair especially coming from the ‘Big Man’ up there?” The Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25: 14-30, used to be among the few passages I felt distaste for until my dear friend Taiwo Omotesho, in one of our seriously playful conversations, led me to read it again. This time, something changed.

A little backstory here. Taiwo had lead me on some career talks about how she has a lot of things she wants to venture in but for every one of them, there’s a barricade clogging the wheels of its success. For her (not until the revelation) it was a case of “If the road isn’t smooth, then I’m not even gonna try to make a little out of nothing”. Then she narrated to me how one evening she was having a sober reflection and asking God why it was like that and then he took her mind to recall the Parable of the Talents. According to her, God asked her what she has done with one of the many ideas at least. And her answer was Zilch. “So how is it that you want more?” God asked. How awakening! I knew I needed to revisit the parable again to gain a fresh understanding.

Read: When God Takes A Nap
Parable of the Talents
So how is it that you want more?

Why I Used To Be Offended

The Parable of the Talents likened the kingdom of heaven to a master traveling into a far country. Before embarking on his trip, he summons his three servants and gives them talents. He gave one five talents, another two talents, and one ‘only’ one talent. Each of them was expected to trade and make profits on his behalf.

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Notice my emphasis on the word ‘only’?  Yes!  That was why I always got pissed with the parable but thankfully not anymore. I used to exercise my resentment as to why the master (who represents God in the parable) was unfair and didn’t give each servant the same amount of talent. I always asked why? Did he not like him? Maybe. 

The Parable of the Talent
The Parable of the Talent likened the kingdom of heaven to a master traveling into a far country.

The gospel of Matthew puts that when he returned from his trip, he called each servant to give an account of how the talents were utilized. The one who was given five had made an extra five (ten), the one given two, an extra two (four) but the one given one due to his dissatisfaction buried it. Back then I used to say that if I was in his shoes, I might have done worse, maybe quit the job because of the oozing partiality.

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Revisiting the Parable again, asides from gaining new insight, what made it even more interesting and easy to comprehend was reading from The Living Bible translation; one of the best things to happen to my spiritual growth.

 

The Big Revelations

God Detest Idle Hands: First, I got to understand that the talents represented money and the one talent was actually $1000. If I got a thousand dollars now, will I bury it simply because it wasn’t the same amount as the rest? Hell No. I will probably get pissed and jealous but burying it is the last thing I’ll do.

“Sir, I knew you were a hard man, and I was afraid you would rob me of what I earned, so I hid your money in the earth and here it is!” (Matt 25:24-25) This was the servant’s response when he was asked to give an account.

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The master replied, “Wicked man! Lazy slave! Since you knew I would demand your profit, you should at least have put my money in the bank so I could have some interest”.(Matt 25:26)

The response of the master who represents God in the parable opened my eyes to the fact that God hates it so much when we are discontented over what he gives us and worse of lazy to use our gifts. He expects that no matter how little it is in our own eyes, we must put it into use. God loves productivity. If you are not interested in using what he has blessed you with; bless someone’s life with it or invest it somewhere fruitful. It laying idle is a sin. It’s more like every gift he gives us is a ticking time bomb, for every tick, he expects a little profit at least. Notice his reference to the bank and you know how small bank interest can be depending on the amount invested.

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We Are Unequal in God’s Eyes– If you are one of those who think that God loves everyone equally then you are mistaken. Just like we are advised in Philippians 2:12 to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling, we must also work out the level of love we want God to have for us. At the beginning of the parable, it was written that the master divided the money ‘in proportion to their abilities’. It is evident that the servant he gave five is his favorite, most hardworking, and loving servant who has overtime worked so hard to merit it. He is that servant you will call and without hesitation, he responds. God creating us is not enough to conclude that we are entitled to his blessings, we must work for it with faith, diligence, and obedience.

Read: Did God Really Create The World In Less Than 7 Days?
parable of the talents
We Are Unequal in God’s Eyes

Why God Keeps Blessing Some People More– Have you noticed some people around you who keep having a lot of ‘Good Luck’ in their lives. No! A genie didn’t curse them with so much richness at birth but they choose to make use of what they have despite the challenges. And from there, one idea births several other ideas. Open doors galore…

After the confrontation with the servant who buried his talent, the master said “Take the money from this man and give it to the man with the $10,000. For the man who uses well what he is given shall be given more, and he shall have an abundance. But from the man who is unfaithful, even what little responsibility he has shall be taken from him.” (Matt 25:28-29)

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God loves the one who is more hard-working. Judging the case for mere face value, one will assume that he will give it to the servant who made $4,000 (four talents) after all his is little, he can have that to make his half of the ten talent servant’s sum. But No, the one with $10,000 was blessed even more. This proves that God doesn’t delight in second best. Mediocrity is not an option. God loves to deal with the best winners.

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parable of the talents
Do not fret, there’ll be more wins to come, you just play your part.

Dear Mutterers

It is imperative that I shared this revelation with you because I know that at this stage of your life, you’ve got so many questions to ask about your career path and what the future holds. I strongly believe this will go a long way in answering some of your questions. 

While it is not wrong to pray to God to bless you with more, it is wrong to be unfaithful with the little things he has blessed you with. Do not fret, there’ll be more wins to come, you just play your part.

4 min read

Prior to and during my secondary school education, I wasn’t given so much liberty, I attended a boarding school and was usually under surveillance but a girl’s got to have her way innit… I was really smart and versatile  and peculiar with many boy-girl tricks. It is safe to say no guy could pull a fast one on me. 

There was nothing like sex until I got to university at age 17. During my first year in school, I had a neighbour who I was fascinated by. You know this kind of guys who have charisma, mind their business and say little or no words to anyone yet girls trip, he is that kind. The times our paths crossed it would just be me having a glimpse of his shadow. Finally, my roommate introduced us as friends, unbeknownst to us that we were going to be bedmates in the future… lol.

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Unbeknownst to us that we were going to be bedmates in the future… lol.

I was young, vulnerable, feeble-minded and most importantly, finally free. I could decide what I want at any given time compared to the regimented kind of life I was familiar with. Gradually, we became close, I would ask my roommate to serve him meals whenever we cooked, I pitied him so much, sometimes I would say to myself, “poor boy that has no one, how would he cope?” As if I had anyone too..lol

While he was reserved and quite intelligent, I was the social and versatile one…As time went by, I began to infect him with my charm, he had no choice but to fall for me as he wasn’t that experienced with the whole love thing. So we started a relationship that was beautiful whilst it lasted. Sex wasn’t a topic we talked about too much but we bore it in mind that it will happen at the right time when we were both ready.

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As time went by, I began to infect him with my charm, he had no choice but to fall for me as…

Unplanned maybe, but it happened. I can remember vividly what I was wearing, a long burnt orange polo dress, I had made dinner for the both of us and we were having a good time. Things got a little slippery and off we went. Truly, I didn’t know what I was doing until I did it. It happened so fast…awkwardly sweet…and messy. I had to lead, I had to take charge… you know why? It was also his first sex too. I can’t really tell if I felt deep emotions, for me it was like a project that had to be executed and gotten over with. I actually wasn’t ready, I thought I was but I wasn’t.  So about the messy side…there was blood, pain, and many other things happening  I couldn’t figure out at the time. No fun. As time went on, we transitioned into other sex styles, It took a while especially mental readiness before I started enjoying sex. 

Read: My boyfriend and I are both virgins. How do we get through our first time?
first sex
There was blood, pain, and many other things happening  I couldn’t figure out at the time.

Not against those who say sex is not a big deal, it is their opinion after all, for me, it actually is one big deal everyone should know about at the early stage of their life. Talks, sessions, advises, etc should be offered in this regard. Do not let children pick up stories from the wrong people and term it as knowledge or experience. If you want to abstain, you need to understand the reason why you want to abstain or why you are told to do so, not just following the bandwagon. Also to parents and guardians, approach matters a lot. Whatever approach you want to use to hold your point, make sure you drill your point and explain rightly up till the root, and be sure you are well understood and not assumedly perceived. A lot of people lose their virginity because they don’t understand why they shouldn’t. As partners, if you decide to be celibate, here are questions you can ask yourselves;

  1. Why Celibacy?
  2. What happens when we do, what is our gain?
  3. What are we looking forward to?
  4. What if we don’t?
Why Should You Practice Abstinence For Sexual Celibacy? | Penile ...
Why celibacy?

These above pointers also apply to singles. People should not put themselves under the societal pressure of ‘going celibate’ or ‘keeping their virginity’ when they don’t have deep insight into the core values and heavenly blessings surrounding it. Like the bible puts it in Hosea 4:6,  “my people perish because of lack of knowledge”, I think that’s what is wrong with a lot of us. I don’t have regrets, but I wish I would have had it in a better way. I have moved from it and have learnt to make my choices wisely.

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