To the one who doesn’t pray often, maybe you are like me too…
My lover, My Phone or God
To the one who doesn’t pray often, I am like you too but I don’t know if your reasons are the same as mine or your excuses crosses the line too.
Sometimes it’s not deliberate. Most times I am tired, I leave for work so early and get back so late, all the time my soul is willing but my body is so tired. All the time I am thinking “can he hear my soul speak”? If he can, should I not pray with my soul? But wouldn’t he say that I am lazy to talk to him with my mouth?
Amid these confrontations, I hear the boring ‘Bzzt Bzzzt! Bzzzt’, it’s my phone ringing, my lover is calling to see if I am home. I take the call and we talk about the most serious and silliest things about our day for almost an hour or more and conclude with our ‘love you’s and byes’.
My conscience wakes up, “But God wanted to know how your day went, you said you were tired”. That’s one round of guilt there, so I snuggle some tired prayer. I can barely hear myself talk, how about him? Did he hear a thing I said?
And then I wake up earlier to prepare for work, but instead of carving a little time to pray, I carve some for my phone. I feel the need to catch up on social media and have a good laugh before going to work and when time plays a fast one on me, guilt fills me up. “I should have prayed with this time”, I say with regrets.
But my guilt doesn’t last as I immediately take advantage of Psalm 139, the fact that he knows me so well and sees the intentions of my heart. Since he is abreast, should he be offended?
Guilt And Request
To the one who doesn’t pray often, maybe you are like me too who gets tired of calling on him only when you are in trouble.
We were best of friends while I sought desperately for a job. It was fun, he always told me what to do and my obedience moved like the speed of the wind. Alas, a job came, I had a decent thanksgiving and I sowed a seed that seemed like I was paying him off for his service I won’t be needing anymore.
Like a cyclone, work activities engulfed my heart so far apart from his. He always tried to reach out, it was either I missed his calls or I take them, telling him to call back later or saying I’ll reach out to him during my spare time. But I never do.
Now there is trouble in paradise. My job is on the line but my kneels are ashamed to kneel.
I feel ashamed. I am an opportunist, I keep taking advantage of the fact that he is slow to complaints or anger. I can’t pray to him because of the shame.
If he takes my job away, do I deserve it? Will I go back to serve him or be so polluted with hate? I feel so guilty but it fades away slowly as I remember the fact that he doesn’t count our sins against us (2 Corinthians 5:18-19) and so I kneel. But for how long will I keep living this way? How long will I keep hurting him?
Mood Swings And Prayer
To the one who prays only when you are excited or in the mood, we are on the same page too. I am bipolar and that means episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs. That’s me.
Just like I talk to people when I am excited, I put God in that category too. “He should understand I am not in the mood”, I often say. “If he really wants me to talk with him then he should put me in the mood, after all, he is God“… I challenge.
Just like I don’t know how to talk to friends when I am “not in the mood“, I do the same to him too and I expect that he understands. If he is a friend like we’ve been made to believe, should he be angry?
I am selfish. I expect us to play by friendship on my own terms and this means no matter how long we stay without talking he should understand. And when we eventually talk, there should be no guilt trips.
What if he makes me dumb or sad forever? Will his actions be justified? As usual, I shove off the guilt the moment I reminisce on Deuteronomy 31:6 which says that he will never leave me nor forsake me. It gives me every right to feel away for as long as I can because I know he will always be there.
Dear God, I want to be better at serving you. I try but I falter. I realize I get it twisted, I feel that to serve you so much then you have to give me so much too. We are many on this page who cannot serve you without expecting something in return. And also know very much to call on you only when we are in trouble.
I want to serve you with no strings attached, I want to serve you come rain, come shine. I want to serve you in my tired times. I hope I can. I pray I can.
But I want to know something, for all the times that I serve you below excellence and with hiccups, do you at least hear me?
To the one who used to not pray often but conquered it, how did you conquer the excuses? how are you not able to take advantage of his love and promises? How do you live above these frivolities and more?