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MUTTERERS CLUB

Finding your ‘Spec’ and it’s Flip sides

Writer- Femi Wagar
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4 min read

Everyone has a spec, some of us have it built more on the mental side while some on the physical, but we will all agree that the majority gravitates towards the latter. Have you ever thought about it that sometimes the way that we think makes us believe lies that eventually make us channel our expectations in the wrong light? Maybe you do not understand, but I would explain in succinct lines.

Once upon a time, I saw a movie by Tyler Perry titled Nobody’s Fool. To save you all of the many shenanigans, in that movie, Tiffany’s sister had a book of specifications- she wanted her ideal man to meet a requisite pattern in terms of looks and how he must act in a social context. It sounded more like a perfect idea when she met a man on the online web who checked every item on her spec list. The tall and short of the tale is that she assumed wrongly about the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She ended up settling to love a man that didn’t aptly fit into her specification for an ideal man.

Read: Should Marriage Have An Expiry Date?

spec Nobody's fool

This brings a question to mind and it is, is it ideal to have a specification list in choosing a partner? Oftentimes I hear my peers talking about the kind of women or men that they want to end up with. Some of them tell me that regardless of other realities of life, they want women or men that are lanky, cute, rich, and all of the others that come to mind. My thought exactly is, if they have this spec list for themselves, does it in any way guarantee that they would get the best out of that union?

 In situations where people end up marrying the life partners that they have chosen, especially those that have the glam of an expensive wedding which gains an edition in several marriage blogs and equally becomes the yardstick for the ‘I tap’ Whatsapp group, I wonder why such marriages fail. Could it be that as time went on their expectations from their spouses changed? We can try to play smart but no matter how we cannot cheat mental compatibility. In my opinion, failed marriages/relationships happen to those who have their spec list built more on the physical side. Paying too much attention to what they see rather than what’s upstairs.

Read: Domestic Violence! How Many More Jonny Depp’s to be Uncovered?
spec
Could it be that as time went on their expectations from their spouses changed?

Let me use the African Star Apple (Agbalumo) as an example. When it comes to selecting one that soothes your taste bud, ideally you’ll pick the one that looks bubbly and very brown and also appears hydrated. But sometimes we are aghast by the slapping taste it gives us. Despite the appearance, it still failed us. That’s the thing about specs, you cannot be sure if that handsome man or beautiful lady will complement you in every area. Yet the majority of us still prefer to have a specification list bent more on the physical. At the end of the day, settling for one’s spec is like a ‘try your luck’ game. While we might get closer, a lasting union is not guaranteed. 

spec
African Star Apple

The Flip Sides and the BIG FLIP

But there’s another flip side. It can be difficult for some particular individuals to be sexually attracted to people who match or supersede their mental strength. Despite the vibe, they will rather piss themselves than have sex with each other. “Why are intelligent people less attractive?” lol. Does the question ring a bell? Or “Why is it that fine people do not know mathematics?”

Read: Why Walking Away Is Not An Option Yet

You find a man who prior to entering a relationship tells you that his spec is a slim, fair, and tall lady. But he ends up settling for a dark thick lady who is not so much on the beautiful side. Why is that so? Personally I feel a person might get closer to their spec but the outcome is what determines if they will stay. Specifications give an expectation based on how we assume that situations or relationships with people should turn out, but life has other plans when we plan to follow a sequel of logic.

Spec
Are you your spec’s spec?

Now to the questions bothering, is it right to have a spec list? Which should weigh more in writing a spec list, the mental or physical? Also, People who do not have a list of what an ideal life partner should look or act like, are they making mistakes too? If you have also been in a situation where you settled for your spec, you know the ‘love at first sight tingy’, I’ll like to know the outcome. Are you still kicking it? Perhaps you’re like a friend of mine who settled for his spec, he often tells me that whenever he feels like breaking up, he considers how beautiful she is and buys her another straw.

Lest I forget the BIG FLIP, you might have a spec, but are you your spec’s spec? Stop rolling your eyes and answer the question especially those of you who belong to the ‘I am sapiosexual’ Whatsapp group. Let’s figure this out because, at the end of the day, this might just be the foundation of plenty of problems to come. I need your projected opinions, please.

 

 

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Cynthia
Cynthia
1 month ago

Hmmmm, having spec isn’t bad to me but I would say we shouldn’t really dwell on having spec list because like you said most times when you go deep into the relationship you will realise that your expectations were cut short. If I am to say it’s better to have mental spec list thanow physical. I don’t think those who never made a list got into wrong relationships or sort of. I had a spec list but didn’t dwell fully on it and I am happy to say am I my spec’s spec.😘

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Cynthia

Mental right!but how do you know you are your spec’s spec? Give us more gist😁😁

Solchibuzor
Solchibuzor
1 month ago

The question shouldn’t be if we should have a spec, because we’re beings of choice and we are constantly selecting what we want and don’t want, just like picking beans. The question I was waiting for was asked on the flip side… ARE YOU YOUR SPEC’S SPEC? For those whose answer is truly Yes, they sometimes get lucky and it works out very well. While others just wander around like a child who walked up to a bicycle vendor with N10 and says “give me bicycle”. What informs your specifications in a man/woman? If you asked two people who work… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Solchibuzor

Well said. While I read through the article, I also thought about the “once bitten twice shy” ish. The thing is most people would rather not have a spec at least not anymore because of what they’ve suffered in the past.

Thank you.

Stephanie Osunkwo
Stephanie Osunkwo
1 month ago

Yes ooo my dears I have spec and I am a spec’s spec… people easily get attracted to good things it’s when you come close then you begin to sieve out and eventually don’t even like the spec you got attracted to in the first place… easier to write spec list till u see fine spec without sense 😖… I’ve seen… but point is yes you should have your expectations and a standard so you won’t be attracted to every living thing… set that for yourself… I do… I physically get attracted to tall, handsome, neat, smelling nice, boxed up… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago

😂😂😂 this lightened up my moody morning. Like!!! Does he have sense? Does she have sense? The answer determines if to take two steps further or ten steps backward.

Makes sense. Everyone should have a spec list but it should be prone to flexibility 👌

King
King
1 month ago

This is a wise piece, I love it but it is sexy to have spec and go for it😉. Well, I don’t even find a lady that is not my spec attractive, it doesn’t happen with me. I meant physical spec😄, I don’t have problem search for mental spec because we won’t be able to hold 30 minutes conversation with you repeatedly if you are not an erudite, at least at a teachable level. So, I don’t struggle to be right with that. However, having a super intelligent pec of your kind doesn’t guaranty happy, result oriented and lasting relationship.… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  King

Like!!!! A post in a post🙌🙌. Your comment reminds me of a rhyme we used to read in primary school “This is the Key of the Kingdom”

Like you make a point and then there’s another point in your point lol😆😆. Well said King. There’s nothing wrong in liking what you like because the heart always wants what it wants. I just have an issue with people who fail to retrace their steps after they’ve been beaten severely all in the name of ‘specs’.

Thank you 😆

Zitaaa
Zitaaa
1 month ago

This is one of my fav stories…
The writer deserves an accolade, he has sense pls😅
If only people will quit looking at the outside, and begin to look at the inside things will be a lot better. It’s not all about having a very fine patner oooo, does he have sense? 😂

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Zitaaa

I totally agree with you😆😆. “Does he/she have sense?” should have been added to the BIG FLIP 😂😂

Kelvin
Kelvin
1 month ago

It could be 2 sided…
Be intelligent and open minded at the same time is sexy….

But being intelligent and being braggadocious about it that is where the problem lies….

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Kelvin

Hmmmmm. Someone on WhatsApp said we can’t have it all but I guess we all want the ‘intelligent and open minded’. It’s rare too.

Welcome Kelvin, hope to see more of you😁

Zinny
Zinny
1 month ago

First of all Appearance matters If I’m to go into a crowd now I can’t see a guy who isn’t presentable and be attracted to him Maybe you guys can be friends Okay judging from big brother naija2020 Laycon isn’t presentable but his intelligent When he first entered the house he was insulted till people started seeing his potential and actually knew he was intelligent So to me I think anyone we meet we should first of all be friends with them,and know if we can actually be with this kind of person Personally what gets be attracted to a… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Zinny

Just the comment I was waiting for 😃😃… I knew someone would chip in the bbn scenario. Good to have you here Zinny 😆

Friendship first! And most importantly smell good 😂😂😂

bubu
bubu
1 month ago

Having a spec list isn’t bad, It’s actually good sef so that you don’t go about accepting every dick and harry that comes your way, and in most situations, people kicks off their relationship/friendship through the physical appearance and that’s fine as well, after all they say, ‘eye dey first chop before mouth go chop’.But one mistake we make as humans is that, we don’t take out enough time to ensure that ‘the spec’ is ‘date-able’ or like the writer said have sense, we tend to get carried away with the looks and butterflies and when those traits we didn’t… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  bubu

Hnmmmm… I actually never saw the relationship angle. But you know most people write specifications for relationship purpose.

😂😂😂 tweeps have been complaining that WhatsApp has turned to a buying and selling app. Well that’s another angle especially knowing that people always want to impress at first phase.

Nice one Bubu 😁

Obama
Obama
1 month ago

Omo! This spec thing get as e be ooh.

I’ve seen ass men suddenly become breast men, there are people you meet and they just change your spec entirely.

If you’re fortunate to find the content in the container you are looking for that’s fine but I believe that there are order of things for anyone who wants to build a long lasting relationship or even marriage.

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Obama

You are right. I know a guy who used to be a huge fan of boobs until he fell in love with a lady who had little boobs and quite an ass. So his spec changed.

He now lovessssss ass 😆

Kelechi
Kelechi
1 month ago

Wow,this is really an amazing one. Yes,am on the pedestal of both the mental and physical. I feel is innate for humans to make choices, however, marriage is deemed to be a lifetime program, so we ought to weigh the prints of today against tomorrow. People grow with age,so also our choices vary. What you admired yesterday may run out of your taste today. I want to say this,as choose to change our mobile phones,cars, electronics and all sorts, we are not bound not to do the same with our spouses,if need be. They westerners understand this much better. Go… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Kelechi

Hmmmmm. This makes so much sense. Good to have you join the discussion Kelechi 🙌🙌

Mykel Oche
Mykel Oche
1 month ago

I often think about this, does my spec sees me as her own spec? This seldom happens. Plus have seen so many of my spec that are complete idiots 🤣😭. Its good to have a spec but at the end of the day compatibility is KEY.

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Mykel Oche

Yeah compatibility is key 😁… say no complete idiots 😂😂

King
King
1 month ago

This is a very valid question, you are many times not your spec’s spec. It can be frustrating 😡 I just think I am favored. My specs are those beautiful, intelligent Angels that always think they are less attractive. I think we should ask ourselves what motivates our choice specifications, I think we will have less stress if we understand the sources of our motivation. First of all, I love to have an intelligent lady that we can joor joor on the same level, a purpose driven lady with clear-cut direction …that’s not difficult to get because I can easily… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  King

Hmmmmm maybe we should hear from your specs then 😁

Ezeugo 1
Ezeugo 1
1 month ago

nobody here will ever agree that they are not their specs spec. Well…. I think the physical spec is what attracts us to the person why the mental spec is what keeps us with the person. whatever is said her I must follow my spec o

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Ezeugo 1

Like!!! How dare my spec say I am not their spec 😂😂😂… a whole spec like me! Heaven or hell will receive a visitor that day 😂😂. Its hard to admit it, but we cannot be everyone’s spec. Thank you

Babajide
Babajide
1 month ago

Hmmm…. This is a very serious matter. In my opinion, as so many has rightly stated, you can only get to know someone’s mental attractiveness by getting close to them, I feel the physical is the first point of attraction before the mental, so it’s right to always have a physical spec so you can narrow down your options. But on the flip side, you get to meet some people, with zero intentions for a relationship because they don’t meet your physical spec then before you know it you’re getting attracted to them as mental revelations starts trooping in. In… Read more »

muttering minds
Admin
1 month ago
Reply to  Babajide

Hmmmm you make a very good point Babajide, some love relationships are unplanned. In a 1 out of 5 cases, mental attraction has a way of pulling someone over. The other party forgets how they look because their mental prowess is genius. I like your point 😄

Also, welcome ! Please ensure you stay abreast with our stories by turning on our post notification. 💫

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