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9 min read

“If your boyfriend or husband pounds you really hard when having sex, best believe that human with three legs is a rapist. There is no such thing as hard or angry sex. Is he a hammer? Maybe he is but girl, your vagina is not a drilling site. If he claims he hasn’t raped anyone before then watch out, the day you say no to his sexual advances, you might just be his first victim. SEX NOT VIOLENCE. ONLY A RAPIST OR A POTENTIAL ONE APPLIES FORCE DURING INTERCOURSE. This is my candid take on rape and the definition of a rapist”– Christine Okon.

Hmmmmmmm… Rape is like old wine. The more we get older; the odious act gets stronger at serving severe deafening blows to the society that living becomes a frightening experience. The death of 22-year-old Uwavera Omozuwa, a Nigerian and Microbiology student at the University of Benin who was raped and savagely beaten to death while reading at a local parish of the Redeemed Christain Church of God in Edo State last week not only became a foreground for a reawakening on the sexual menace but also opened a can of worms.

Rape
JUSTICE FOR UWA

Uwavera’s experience has up until now served as a backdrop for rape victims to open up about their long endured hurt while supporting the #SAYNOTORAPE movement. The victims each day, find a comforting way to relay their truth and call out their abusers. Let’s not forget the gender war too. Almost half of the male folk feel it is a lopsided attack and an unfair generalization to tag them as the sex who rapes. “MEN GET RAPED TOO”, they clamor! But you see, who screams the loudest is usually gifted the most comfortable sit by the audience, that’s one of the underrated rules of life. Men should learn to speak up more.

Read: Rape Stats In Nigeria

Ranging from the blue blood to the privileged class and even the ones, who live down in the mouth, comprised the CALL OUT list. And asides the common male-on-female rape, some of the rape victims narrated their experiences on female-on-male rape, male-on-male rape, and female-on-female rape. Does this settle the gender war? Maybe, but that’s a far cry away from the bone of contention here. One thing that remains unsettled is that rape cases will continue to stir too much dust in the society and this is because while it looks like we are fighting together against it, the sexual menace (rape) and the perpetrators (the rapists) are perceived differently by all and sundry.

rape
“MEN GET RAPED TOO”

You’re probably wondering how I arrived at this conclusion right? Well if you read stories frequently here, you’ll know that I am always more interested in what people are not saying or projecting more; the minority opinions that carry so much weight when looked at introspectively. 

Unpopular Opinion About Rape

As at last week, virtually everyone had something to say about rape. Stemming from the objective angles to the pity parties and then the loose minds who say it just as it hits their head, all lent their voices to the best of their knowledge. Among several opinions I read through, the straw that broke the camels back for me was this;

“Well, this might not make sense but I feel it’s the simple truth. When a case of rape is about to start, instead of dragging with them, can the girls just allow him or them instead of sustaining injuries that can even lead to death? Just saying o. Some will even be scared she is offering them willingly. Cause I don’t see the point of fighting back when your strength can’t last you for a minute. Just accept it instead of accepting forcefully with slaps, punch, bite, weapon, and all. Okay, imagine a house that got robbed.  Nobody will try to fight back once they see a gun. Isn’t that like rape too?”

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Can the girls just allow him or them instead of sustaining injuries that can even lead to death?

You see, no matter how sensitive an issue is, there will always be warped opinions, some, you’ll wonder what planet the individual hails from. But do we shove them away because they are culture shocks compared to our own opinions? No. All through my life, I’ve never heard someone think this way about rape. But if he can then they’ll definitely be more on his side who hold out of the ordinary opinions too. At this point, my curiosity began to age so I decided to put it up for a debate on my WhatsApp status. 

Read: Abusive Relationships; Why Walking Away Is Not An Option Yet

So I posted the picture and captioned “Seeing this, I realized a lot of us hold uncanny opinions about sensitive issues. It takes a level of courage to speak up”. Then in my next slide, I asked “Who is a rapist? Kindly define in your own understanding”. Then the comments came rolling, this explains the quoted text in the first paragraph. 

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I don’t think it’s wise to fight back

Like I predicted he wasn’t the only one who would hold the opinion, a friend responded- “I second this opinion. Honestly, rape is fucked up, It’s an awful thing to happen to anybody but if anybody is at that point, I don’t think it’s wise to fight back. From personal experience, fighting back just increases provocation and the likelihood of you being seriously injured. If someone’s pinning you down, especially someone who is physically stronger than you, there’s barely any form of fighting back that will save you tbh. Instead, it will just aggravate the situation and might give the rapist justification to inflict more physical pain on you. Just saying”

While these two stuck to their guns, counter-attacking opinions began flooding in;

Tunde Onakoya said: “You know I really do think this might just be the opinion of a guy because it’s really silly. What people should be advocating for is to let rapists not rape people, not that you should negotiate with them. It’s like saying you want to negotiate with terrorists on how to destroy and you say “don’t bomb everywhere, just shoot few people”. It doesn’t make any sense.”

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Rape messes up with ladies mentally

“Really? Consensual rape? It’s crazy! What’s the guarantee that after the consensual rape, you won’t be killed. The psychopath will gladly kill u without any guilt because in his words “she enjoyed it”- Queen Ede opined.

Similar to Queen’s stand, Oreoluwa Osinuga said “the thing is that they are thinking of the physical effect rather than the mental. Rape messes up with ladies mentally and you might think you are smart and act that way, letting them have their way but what if they kill you after? The point of this whole thing is not the act itself”

Read: From Abuse To Addiction

Ajibola concluded this round by saying “Rape is a terrible act and under no circumstance should the victim willingly give in. Fight even if it means you’re gonna get battered. On the other hand, shouldn’t living be the most important thing under any circumstance? I condemn rape and the punishment under the law should be heavier than it’s ever been anywhere around the world. Some people never get over it even after passing through the horrible experience.”

Rape victim
Fight even if it means you’re gonna get bartered.

Unpopular Opinion from The Victims Eyes.

While that round of debate fizzled, someone who chooses to be Anonymous sent me this;

“I could never report it to anyone because I was afraid it was my fault. I never wanted to be harmed and that’s why I never tried to fight back, or why I pretended to be asleep the day my uncle snuck into my room at night and had his hands all over my body, I did not want to embarrass him and myself. I did not want to be that child. The child with the stigma. The bad egg. The one who’s story got retold time and time again. So I kept quiet about it. I did not want to be the reason my uncle got sent out of the house. I did not want to be pitied and treated differently from the rest of my siblings. I blamed myself for everything. It was easier than speaking up and causing a fuss. If I didn’t speak up, it would only be in my head and it would make it less real, that’s what I thought, so I kept quiet. I mean how else could I tell my parents about my cousin and the painful things he did to me without upsetting everyone? Or the fact that my uncle kept on dipping his fingers into me every time no one else was around. Who would believe me?  I blamed myself for not speaking up, but never ever found the strength to speak up even if I wanted to.”

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I blamed myself for everything. It was easier than speaking up and causing a fuss.

This is my first time of coming in contact with a victim who pities her abuser and chooses family peace over hers, I’m convinced there are many others like her. What do you make of this?

Who Is A Rapist?

Remember I asked that they define who a rapist is in their own understanding. The weirdest response I got was that of Christine Okon which I used as a preamble for this post. 

Going forward, Rhemakana Gilbert defined a rapist as “a man who is unable to understand the concept of consent. He is driven by a sense of entitlement over the bodies of women and holds the view that he is ruled by his urges. He believes that women should adjust their theology to make up for his lack of self-control and understand when he needs a release and cannot control himself.”

With an emphasis on the word ‘conscious’, Ifeanyichukwu Ogbuoji said: “A rapist is one who forces his way into the thighs or anals of another without the person’s CONSCIOUS consent.”

Read: Domestic Violence! How Many More Jonny Depps To Be Uncovered?
rapist
Who is a rapist?

“If you take advantage of my body without my consent, You are a Rapist! If I agree to have sex with you and along the line, I asked you to stop but you refused and continued forcing yourself on me, You are a Rapist! 🤷🏽‍♀🤷🏽‍♀🤷🏽‍♀” Delight Loveday said.

“A rapist is someone whose libido is higher than his thoughts,” Cupid said.

“A rapist is someone who sees another human that is fully clothed and decides to imagine them naked. A rapist is someone who is capable of murder.”- Amaka Enyinnaya 

The Bane of Disparity 

The disparity in our perception about rape, in my opinion, is what kills the fight even before it is fought. I choose to feature these responses because they strike different. The majority in a good way and a select few leaves the rooftop leaking.

While you cannot beat a person for having a different opinion from yours, we must bear in mind that some battles cannot be fought without a unison of opinion; the fight against rape is one of such.

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Rape
If at this stage some of us prefer to weigh which gender feels the brunt more…

If at this stage some of us still hold that the rape victim is to blame rather than the rapist… if at this stage some of us prefer to weigh which gender feels the brunt more… if at this stage some of us believe indecent dressing is the primary trigger for rape… if at this stage the rape victim chooses to remain silent, then we cannot win this fight against rape. 

What does this tell you about rape? What does this tell you about a rapist? What does this tell you about the victim?  And most importantly, what does this tell you about YOU? 

 

 

 

 

 

3 min read

I have noticed people open up more about certain experiences when someone talks about theirs first… so I am going to recall an experience that got me stopped dead in tracks; so shocked and mum! You probably might have gone through something similar or have felt how I felt in an entirely different scenario.

It is a very short story. I have only told one person about it and maybe telling more people could be a good thing.  It was during my first year in school, I was staying with my elder brother in the same house at Mushin, Lagos Nigeria. One particular night about some minutes past eight, I went out to get bread for dinner. I stepped out of the gate and was about to cross to the other side of the street but a bike was approaching in my direction so I decided to wait until it passed.

Read Dead Gaze! “Stop Staring At My Boobs”

experience

The bike man approached with so much speed where I stood, reached out with one hand and gave my boobs a tough squeeze and then continued speeding. I was shocked. He turned back and stared at me with a grin stoked up with mischief. ”You are mad!”… this was the best thing my weak voice could say.

I was really affected, I bought bread, and went home but I couldn’t eat because my appetite was long gone. I felt dirty and angry. I had already showered before I left home but I went back to the bathroom and spent close to ten minutes washing and scrubbing my body. The scene would not leave my head, it kept replaying over and over. I felt stupid for how I handled it. I should have pulled him off the bike. I should have thrown more insults at him. I should have picked up a stone or something… so many instances of what I could have done but what a shame, I did none of it.

Experience
I went back to the bathroom and spent close to 10 minutes of washing and scrubbing my body.

My brother came back from work and noticed I was dull but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I just felt dirty, like his hand made an imprint on my boobs that could never fade. It was a shitty night for me. I made a decision of giving myself a 6 pm curfew for the rest of my stay with my brother to avoid madmen roaming the street.

It happened a long time ago and I have gotten over it.  After that another happened, I was on a bike and one other idiot on a different bike reached out to slap my butt. These two incidents made me realize some people are just plain mad and I cannot be held responsible for how stupid they are.

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experience
Some people are just plain mad and I cannot be held responsible for how stupid they are.

The funny thing is until writing this, I didn’t tell my close friends except one because of the fear of getting flogged with words. I wasn’t in the mood for the ‘If it were me’ talks and blah blah bullshit. Frankly, if I were in their shoes, I would scold whoever the same way and probably ask why the two madmen went scot-free without an injury in their left eye at least. But here we are, I did nothing. Knowing you did nothing hurts and sitting all by yourself with so many scenarios of what you could have done becomes a pang of regret that lives with you long enough.

Like I said earlier, You probably might have gone through something similar or have felt how I felt in an entirely different scenario, how did you handle it? Are you okay now?

 

 

3 min read

It is often said that love is a beautiful thing. However, from time to time, we see that love, and sometimes a relationship is not a good thing.

It is normal to get attracted to a person after intimacy has been built over time, but what is to be said about an abusive relationship?

We all know how crazy it is when we have to get detached from someone that we have been attached to overtime. It feels like a journey to a dead-end which is unfair with life. An abusive relationship is no exception. 

Read Men Not Robots! Why The deficiency?
abusive relationship
You don’t know except you have experienced it

One hit is enough to walk away from him or her, you think? In my opinion, I’ll say “You don’t know except you have experienced it”. Has it ever occurred to you why people come out years after to say their spouse abuses them? Why not early enough right? Especially the sort that is glaring that such a relationship is a no brainer for the victim? 

Love shared between two people is a beautiful thing but when it accompanies an unhealthy form of attachment, it becomes a relationship between a tormentor and its victim. While the abused lives in denial, the tormentor breeds mixed signals. 

Read Domestic Violence! How Many More Johnny Depp’s To Be Uncovered?
abusive relationship
While the abused lives in denial, the tormentor breeds mixed signals.

The tormentor is sometimes cold, other times romantic and then on most occasions pounces on the victim like they are some rat that encroached their privacy. In all these, the abused feels that the relationship is healthy and too good to be left alone. By too good, they hold onto the memories of the good old days, and the mixed signals they are receiving. They resolve to blame games, with the thought of being the reason the abuser is that way. 

In a typical African setting, when the spotlight of abuse is in context, there is this idea of African women enduring abusive marriages, but the big question is, “When there is an option to leave an abusive relationship, why condone so much pain for so long?”

Read: Signs Of An Abusive Relationship 
Abusive Relationship
Until walking away becomes the only option

It’s really draining when one thinks about it. But the reason is, they love and are still in love. They hold on to the good old days with hopes that things will return as they were. Despite the bruises, burns, cuts and emotional torture, they are unwilling to walk away, except after a very long time.

If you ever come across someone abused, best believe they are not going to take your advice about walking away yet until walking away becomes the only option.