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after long years of dating

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You see butterflies in my belly, I love them. I love the mystery of what beautiful surprises love brings and when the love turns sour, I find myself still holding on to ‘what’ should have become. I’m holding tight to a lump of hot coal, despite being presented with a choice of ice.  When is it too late to say I quit? 

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I am a hopeless romantic and also a strong believer in love’s power to conquer all, which is why I have been in “the longest unmarried relationship” known to man. I met B in high school, I was that brute of a prefect while she was the beauty and brains. I had never really taken notice of her in any way except as a classmate, not until the day she cried because of me. Her friends ganged up and made sure I went to the library where she cried and consoled her. At that moment, I did more than consoling, I made promises that no one would ever make her cry again as long as I was around.

rejected my proposal
Source- Unsplash

B and I became close and as time went by, our closeness blossomed to something of the nature of a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She was my first kiss, my first tight hug, and my first dry hump. She made me want to write poetry. She didn’t care for them, but I wrote anyway. As we graduated high school, she allowed me to call her “girlfriend” but only to her hearing. No one else must know and I didn’t care. I was elated I now had a girlfriend, my first ever.

When Life Takes the Childhood Innocence Away…

You know as we age, we start to see more challenging sides to life, and our childhood innocence gradually fades. We suddenly want to be more and the most unfair side in all is that what might be more to you, might be as insignificant as a grain of salt to another. I’ve been writing since childhood and the zeal accompanied me to adulthood, I wanted badly to now be a professional writer.

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rejected my proposal
Source- Medium

However, B saw this as unambitious whenever I let her in on my fantasy about a cottage on a hill where I’d live and write on paper, and only step out to civilization when I am out of ink or my belly aches for food. She told me if I cared for a future with her I would pursue a more professional course. She told me how she’d want to marry a doctor, but since I have flair for the arts, I should consider becoming a lawyer and without much thought but thinking on the leverage of how much I’ll give to be with her forever, I immediately fell in love with the idea. 

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I did my poetic writing on the low, while I wrote jamb for a law degree. But Jamb had a very funny way of giving me below 200 on my scores. B told me I lacked concentrations, and I agree. I didn’t want to be a lawyer but still told myself I could do it so that I could finally win her heart. So I quit writing, left my dream of writing for the screens, and tried Jamb for two years subsequently.

rejected my proposal
Source- ABA law student division

I would always imagine the titles “Barrister and Dr Mrs” and it made me smile deeply. Power couple. Though she didn’t get to be a doctor, she became the next best thing, a Pharmacist. As you might have guessed I didn’t become a lawyer, I did even better, I gave up one creative thing for another. I became a  Carpenter. 

The Longer You Date, The more Breakups In Between

Folks who have been in a very long relationship can relate to the fact that in between these long years, there are usually break-up and makeup phases. B and I for one silly reason or the other usually took a lengthy break from each other. 

Amid our breakups, I dated a few girls and she dated a few boys, even kissed some that I knew of. She stayed a virgin, a promise to herself. I lost mine over and over again. On one of such makeups she found that I wasn’t a writer no more but now a woodworker (carpenter). She was disappointed! She didn’t take it well, and when she is mad you’d know. It takes me weeks to heal from her spoken vexations. They are usually venomous but she often means well. However, she told me I could still make it as a lawyer, I was selfish enough to promise I’d become what she wanted. While waiting to become what she wanted, she’ll always get angry whenever I addressed myself as a carpenter and often told me to address myself as an “interior designer” for status sake. But I never listened so it made us drift often.

A Merry-Go-Round Proposal

After 7 years of on and offs, with her pushing me to “better” myself career-wise, I proposed the first time, she said I wasn’t ready. Of course, I wasn’t, I still lived at my mum’s. I proposed the second time, she said despite having an apartment and a few contracts now, that it wasn’t enough, adding that I needed serious job security. She offered to pay for my tuition to study a more serious course that could earn me more money. I declined because I am too proud to accept that in my financial state and then what if I don’t give her the life she wanted.

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So we broke up and made up, yet again. Finally, I agreed, I would quit this thing that I love (carpentry), and leave the country with her and be just what she wants. Half of me wanted this because most of me wanted her, she encouraged me and told me it was for the best.

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 Yet again I proposed this time with a bigger stone. I made sure my right knee did the needful, while I balanced myself on my left knee too. She cried, held my face as I looked at her smile washed down by her tears. And her words were filled with deep emotions as she spoke to me. “I have waited for so long for you to do this right, but I am sorry, others already did it right”.

rejected my proposal

I was so hurt, I got up not knowing how to feel, and as I was about leaving she held me and said “Please don’t go. I am not saying yes neither am I saying no. I am so confused right now, please give me time to pray. Please I beg you, I need just three months to pray”. My feelings defeated, I agreed and left her.

An Overdue Prayer Session and a Precious to Behold

Three months turned to four months, four months turned to lock down, everybody became busy trying to stay alive. A year and two months after my B began to pray, and one day off the blues she chatted me up and said “God said it’s you!”

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I was so excited that I forgot I was broke, how was I to even begin to cater for a wedding? Stupid right? I love B so much and even more despite the long cold wait. I told her I wasn’t financially ready for a wedding and she was angry but gave me time to put my shit in order. Finally, I gathered and ordered the marriage list, but before I could go pick it, came Precious.

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Precious is young, beautiful, intelligent, soft-spoken, and admires me. More importantly, she is so in love with my carpentry and asks me not to change for anyone. In a month of knowing her, she has looked up ways that I can become a better carpenter and it is paying off. She asked me herself if I would marry her, and in something that feels like double jeopardy, I said YES YES YES!

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She wakes me up with prayer messages to remind me that I am more than enough and what exactly she prayed for. I know it’s short timing, but within it, I have felt a kind of love I have never felt before. Love devoid of begging but cherishing. Someone who loves me for me and not the idea of what more I can become. It’s opened my eyes to how much pain I endured with B and I don’t think I want to go feel such pain again.

rejected my proposal

Bear in mind that B rejected my proposal three times, now she’s crying her heart out, saying I am ruining us, especially now that she has told folks that she is gonna be my wife. While Precious tells me that I am the best thing since jollof rice and treats me in ways I have always begged for but never received. I am torn between my promises of a happy ever after to B and a hunger for what Precious feeds me every day.

I finally opened up to B about Precious and she’s been pleading for another chance to make things right. Dear Mutterers, I am so confused. I need your candid advice on what to do. Please leave me your honest comments 👇👇

 

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