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anorexia

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6 min read

There’s always that one thing we want but we will never get, maybe, just maybe when we take our minds off the wishful thinking, that’s when it will come. Not promising, but this has always been a consolation response to me whenever I complain to my friends about how slim I am and cannot wait to grow fat.

Bowled over? It’s not like I am too thin but then…all my life, I have longed to be a little thick at least especially on some strategic part of my body but my creator wouldn’t let me shine on that path. Since I became aware of myself I don’t think I have ever changed in looks or size. “Vampire”“Uju you are perfect the way you are”“You are so small and cute””I wish I had your body”… blah blah blah… You really do think that’s a compliment right? You wish! Well, maybe sometimes.

slim
It was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

The mistake most people make is that they think every slim person loves the way they are and that every fat person curses the day they were born. Do you ever stop to think for a second that some slim people actually hate it when you emphasize their body weight? Well, I belong to that one per cent of the one per cent who hate it when you do. Don’t ask me when I would gain weight or why I haven’t added since we left high school. It is rude. 

That was how the other day I ran into a mate from high school and the first thing she said was “Ah Doris! you haven’t changed, you are still small”. I had to morsel laugh for pretence sake but after she left I began analyzing her birdbrained approach. I concluded it was as rude as asking a married couple why they haven’t had any kids.

MY WEIGHT GAIN TRICK AND BACK TO SQUARE ZERO

Being slim can be very fine especially on tall people but if you are ‘slim and short’ like me, you will agree with me that beauty goes on vacation sometimes without seeking your permission. My body is like a chameleon only that it changes its weight instead of colour. Small stress and I deflate. One minute I am happy to have gained 2kg and the next minute I am 4kg down. How annoying? It’s like one step forward and a million miles backward.

Read: What Is Perception To You?

So I discovered a weight gain trick two years ago. I started going to the gym. Daily. The first time I stepped my feet at the gym, it felt as odd as a baby enrolling for a Master’s Degree. “Ah”“What do you want to lose”“Do you want to disappear?” So many discouraging remarks but I didn’t give up. Specifically, I told the gym instructor that I wanted to add, not lose weight, “build my shape”. I started building my muscles and strength and taking lots of protein shakes. Little or no aerobics, deadlifts, lunges, leg lifts, squatting, and more. Squatting was my favourite exercise because I wanted to be just as bad as sexy and guess what, it worked. I built my muscles so much that I gained 10kg in five months. From 50kg to 60kg; well-shaped and a little thick. It was like Christmas in June until I got a nine to five job that swept me off my joy.

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From 50kg to 55kg; well-shaped and a little thick.

The new weight and look became history. I felt sad and still is. Initially, I tried to keep up with the gym during weekends but it felt like gaining only to lose it the next minute. There was no point. Little stress and small omissions that should become part of life because of our drive to make ends meet are bad for me. Stress like jumping buses from Monday to Friday, skipping meals, working hard, going for holidays…etc. they all take a toll on my weight. Now I weigh 49kg!! And the most unfair part of all these is that I see people who do worse than I do, gaining weight effortlessly while I get thinner than thin. This life is so unbalanced. If riches cannot be equal, let weight be even at least.

Read: How to Gain Weight Fast and Safely
I should chip in that the only sign that I am likely to be as thick as I crave in the future is my butts. There’s something about my butts, as a matter of fact, it is my most precious asset before my *****. It gives me joy that something can at least grow and be visible when you look at me but its glory fluctuates too. Sometimes it appears super full like some huge melons and admirable especially after doing some rigorous squats indoor. Other times my two butt cheeks betray me by looking like pullets. Times like this, don’t tell me I have lost weight, I know, you don’t have to rub it in. The moment someone says to me “Ah Uju, you are starting to lose weight again”… by default my response is usually “Including my butts?”. If they concur automatically I sink into depression because for it to go down, then it is that bad.
Butt clipart animated, Butt animated Transparent FREE for download ...
Including my butts?

IT IS DEPRESSING 

You think that every slim person has it happy right? Well, it’s not the same for me. How do you explain seeing a really gorgeous dress you can afford and you purchase it only for it to be falling off your shoulders? Or the seller subtly screams at your face saying “leave it, it won’t fit you”. Deep down, she knows you won’t bring out the beauty of the dress.

Read: Addiction Is Not As Straightforward As You Think

You also think every slim person got there by default right? “Oh, it’s her nature”… well, it’s not for some. Some people are sick and the more they take their medications, fat has no place to stay. Some slim persons like me cannot even explain their body type. Sometimes I undergo forced feeding yet, nothing to show for it. Just like losing weight is a struggle for some, gaining weight is a slice of tough meat for me.

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Meeting a slim person does not give you the right to start measuring the size of their arm with your fingers. It’s not cute. Or the name callings like “lepa”, “Broom Stick”, “Thinny” etc. These are very ugly names and full-blown body shaming that we have remained oblivious to. Except someone tells you that they like some part of their body, it doesn’t give you the right to assume that it’s good for them and start making jokes. The fact that a lot of people want something doesn’t guarantee that those who have it are happy with it.

I’m GOING BACK!

Well! Well! Well! Maybe you are slim and you love you just the way you are, that’s cool. As for me, l love me and will love me even more with some more flesh.

I want to put on some healthy weight again. And since I discovered the trick that works best for me is the gym, I’m going back. COVID took the nine to five away so I decided to look on the bright side of things. I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg. I hope to get there before the year runs. Possible? We shall see… I’ll try to keep you posted

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I’m going back to building my muscles and this time my target is 70kg.

My weight is one of my biggest insecurities. Talking about it with you Mutterers brings a sense of relief. Do you mind sharing with me your insecurities too? or perhaps we are walking in the same shoes, I’ll like to hear… or better still you got some advice on how I can gain some weight without going to the gym? 

I’ll be waiting in the comment section.