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I am Muttering

A Tormenting Ride you Wish you could Quit

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8 min read

“All these feelings you’re feeling is a cry out from your inner self for its freedom and peace. You need what you need and it won’t stop until you give yourself what you need. But what happens when your only hope is your job? Well, you can switch to a workplace or job that’s less consuming of yourself and time while you wait for your own thing which may not be so easy. My advice is to cry out to your spirit asking for something to be done.”

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Lately, I feel I’ve been living on borrowed life, yesterday felt like I had one last straw from it. I was brain dead, a collision occurred in my brain that generated so much fog, I couldn’t process anything. I was in a training meeting with my boss via Whatsapp call and for a very long time in forever, I met that terrified child again. That terrified child who was scared to death of mathematics and several attempts of learning and scoldings from the teacher proved abortive. 

maths anxiety
Source- Medium

“Is this the life I want to live? Is this what I really want to spend my days doing? Talking to clients? I don’t even have my own time, now this?!” While I had zoned into oblivion from the step by step and back and forth training wherein I had made countless mistakes, these questions bugged my mind. My heart felt so sore and my eyes filled with tears, and to maintain relevance and communication throughout the meeting, all I could mumble were weak “yeahs and yeses”, for the times she either asked, “Doris are you following?” “You get this right?”.

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My body graduated to rioting, it could no longer take it. It felt like a moment with an oppressor, where they cross the thin line and you’re torn between blowing up or utilizing the respect reserved for them to save sanity. I was on the verge of screaming “You know what! FUCK IT! I QUIT!” because what are all these? However, despite the rage inside me, I still couldn’t morsel the courage. I decided to seek courage elsewhere by sending a message to two of my friends; “What if I quit my job today?” I texted.

Don't Rush To Quit Your tormenting Job

While one didn’t show up at my rage party, the other responded “Aww damn. Sorry honey, I hate to see you pissed. Can you wait small and not do it this minute? Please babe, I just wanna be sure the decision is not solely fuelled by your present frustration. Surely you will leave the job, I’m just trying to be wary of the timing for you. Sorry babe. I can tell you aren’t happy. Or is there anything about the job that I don’t know?”

At This Point

At this point, I knew courage would not be found, especially not in the way that I want it. That moment where you’re hoping someone could be your pillar in making a decision, so it feels a little better, but they don’t feel it like you do, hence courage is lost in space. There’s this thing I do when my circle of friends is not telling me what I want to hear, I seek the advice of a total stranger or someone at arm’s length from my circle. 

tormenting job

“Hey Sydney, at what point did you quit your job?” I sent him a mail. Sydney is one of my pals on Naked Minds, we got vibing when I wrote a story about how distressed I felt working. The quoted statement at the beginning of this post is a snippet from his response. I felt relieved, however, although coming face to face with the truth he said, I still couldn’t find the courage to quit. I managed to suppress the teardrops from my inner self, but for how long?

 

How I Got Here

I lost a very toxic job thanks to the pandemic, although I didn’t see the blessing until much later. Yeah, you’ll definitely go broke losing a job but surprisingly, it didn’t bother me as much cause all I was concerned with was making peace with my inner self, which I eventually found and cherished. I finally won the fight against imposter syndrome and not having to see my beastly boss project her insecurities. It was a good peace feeling, I had time for Muttering Minds and was able to nurture it to a large extent and I remember saying to myself  “Mehn! This is it! I don’t think I want a job again, I just want to grow it here till something financially positive begins to manifest.”

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tormenting job patience image

I vowed not to be bound by any organization again, I could take up freelancing but not as a full staff, that was how contented I felt. But you see, contentment also has a way of downplaying your comfort zone, at a point, it starts to look like ‘see finish’ and you begin to want more. I ran out of cash to sustain myself and my needs and rather than say a prayer for fuelled patience, I cried to my creator for a new job. 

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This new job involves writing too, not the type that I entirely love but for the sake of money, I accepted. Maybe you got a wrong impression about my boss due to my frustrated analysis but nah, she’s the best I’ve found so far, my inner self is only being itself by rebelling against the things that it hates.

tormenting job work from home

Although I work from home, it has gotten even worse than leaving my house. Working from home is a lowkey scam! It involves so much encroaching on personal time. One thing that upsets me so much about the workplace is that it is fast becoming like the school system. Bosses make everything mandatory and feel they can switch you from one role to another, bending you against your will to multitask. Why am I mandated to do a presentation at work? Why am I hired to write and then, later on, made to joggle that with marketing? I couldn’t wait to be out of school cause everything came from an angle of force, not passion, now the work system oozes just the same way and I hate it. 

It’s often classified as a part of learning new skills, well hello! I’m not interested, these things kill my brain especially when I’m not passionate about it. I am content with being a writer and excelling at it. I am not someone who plays the jack of all trade because I want to be woke in all ramifications. It’s okay for me not to know some things, I’m open to brief learning here and there whilst dedicating full time to perfect the things I’m really passionate about. Is anything wrong with this?

tormenting job passion

But unfortunately, my boss wouldn’t let me breathe. She sees it as a weakness to not know everything. The difference between my previous work and this one is that when I started off with the previous, I was passionate about it, despite several mistakes that would make me cry and question my worth, I was still willing to give it a shot, I was still willing to give in my best and eventually I got better, better enough to be among the best writers. I left because the workload started to impede my creativity, I was working from a tired point every time, and to save the remaining creative juice I had left, I took advantage of the pandemic. 

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Now this job involves writing and consulting for clients. Writing I can take but consulting is so much. It’s not a career path I’m interested in, except the writing aspect which is even not as interesting as I love. Is it too much to ask your boss to streamline your work roles? Contemplating these roles makes me sick and it’s made me develop anxiety lately. 

work anxiety

How I Feel & Why I’m Scared

I am a creative who’s suddenly found herself in a dark box, my craving for free will is not making it easier. I function better when I work at my pace but unfortunately, life hasn’t presented me with many options.

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My phobia for having an empty pocket is what makes me betray my inner self by not letting go despite the pressure. I know my inner self will cry again, I know I’ll suppress her for the umpteenth time, but for how long? The rope keeps getting thinner and thinner and it’ll cut one day. I know. All I crave is a decent work role with defined timelines and very importantly, peace of mind. I hate anything that gives me anxiety, but my job is. The more I try to fit into these forceful shoes, I lose myself and I don’t even enjoy anything. I really want out but I’m more of a coward.

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Amid the dead bones, amid the brain drain, I’m cowardly carrying on till life presents me with a better option where I can finally live my full potential and make my inner self smile eternally.

Want Inner Peace? tormenting job

What Is Stressing You Darling?

The moment I figured April is stress awareness month, for a second I was pissed because I thought that we should be more vocal about it like we do for other awareness days. But I guess because it has no ingredient of love in it like the trivial boyfriend and girlfriend’s awareness day lol, that’s why it’s overlooked.  

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I am fucking stressed about a few things but the one thing at the top of the food chain is my job, this is because it’s crept so much into my personal life and leaves me with no choice. I decided to be vocal about it here, not with hopes that I might find a grand solution, but there’s a certain magic attached to opening up, you might not get the exact solution you’re looking for, but it places you at an almost accurate point of relief. Writing these lines made me feel better for some reason…

tormenting job

On this note, I’ll beckon that you do the same. What’s stressing you out darling? Is it a tormenting job? Your relationship, marriage, family, friendship? etc. I’m craving your vulnerability on this one, let it all out in the comment section. The idea is to make this post a ‘vent room’, for us to let out the most bothersome thing and frustration in our hearts. I could give you an advice or two, and from reading mine, feel free to give advice too. And if you find a similar situation you broke free from relayed by a fellow commenter, feel free to offer your advice.

Shall we darling? Please narrate sincerely in the comment section what’s stressing your life. 🤗👇👇

 

 

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Joy
Joy
5 months ago

I hate my job too and I can’t wait to get another so I can finally walk away. I have a very unprofessional boss that makes sexual advances towards me. Its become so persistent and causing me lots of stress lately. Coupled with the unmotivating pay and the herculean task I face on my commute to and from the office.

Eunice
Eunice
5 months ago

Reading this on my way to work and we are on the same boat. Waking up as early as 4 to get to work before 8, and you’re not even sure what you’ll meet on the road. And if you are late, 10k deduction from your salary, I work in a dog eat dog organisation.  I’m a year and three months on the job, and within these times, I’ve written my resignation letter more than 20 times but haven’t got the courage to submit it😊. Another heavy in my heart is my family, I come from one of those homes… Read more »

Eunice
Eunice
5 months ago

Thank you. God bless Muttering Minds and I just got to work about a minute to 8💃💃

Dangem
Dangem
5 months ago

Nothing seems to be working well here o😔. No job, business isn’t working out, no success in relationship. One minute, it seems that everything is fine, and the next is hell.
But hope is that rope that I have held on to for a long time. Though, things ain’t working out, I am not willing to let go of that rope till I find my peaceful landing space.

Nimi
Nimi
5 months ago
Reply to  Dangem

😢😢 sorry love

Dangem
Dangem
5 months ago
Reply to  Nimi

Thank you 🙏

Ezeugo 1
Ezeugo 1
5 months ago

They said if your job is your passion, they you’ll never work a day. But I feel that’s a mirage. I don’t know if it’s weird but I really want to get married before I turn 28 or 29 as a guy and that requires one to have a steady and sustainable source of income and that’s stressing me so much. I find myself here and there dipping my hands in any legit stuff that could get me money. My dad married at an advanced age… He’s 74 this year and still hustling cause his kids aren’t yet stable. That’s… Read more »

Nimi
Nimi
5 months ago

Wise words🙌

King
King
5 months ago

I wish you didn’t have go through this but stress is part of growth. It helps you to consider new moves because it pushes you out of your comfort zone. It forces you to make changes you ought to make but wouldn’t have made if forces of stress hasn’t set it. I’m not magnifying sress, I’m just stating the reality. We actually don’t have to wait to be stressed out before we make certain decisions but our staying power can be deceitful, stress is the only mechanism that can tell us that our staying power has betrayed us. Stress helps… Read more »

Dheyveedofpreston
Dheyveedofpreston
5 months ago

Be calming down na. I read it and trying to process. It is a boat i once rode in between 2012-2013. My boss once physically assaulted me because he is a general in the army. His wife once tried talking me down, I called her bluff, that’s a story for another day. It took courage from God knows where for me to walk away from the toxic job. It was so bad, I only know my resumption time, closing hours could be d next day. I had people who depended on me, but for my mental health, I had to… Read more »

Nimi
Nimi
5 months ago

Wow, I’m glad you quit, there’s nothing like self peace

Ebuka
Ebuka
5 months ago

I have litanies of stress right now in business and relationship but at the moment am more consigned with my Bootstrapped Startup ( Logistics). We’re grinding out good results and growth keeps rising. Then this month we were almost bouted out of our premises due to envy and business war. Thank God, we got through that smoothly. Now we’re at the point of employing the much-needed extra hands at the HQ and across our locations, and it’s been a herculean task. I have realized at last that One of the most difficult business transitional moments is “HONESTLY” employing capable and… Read more »

Ebuka
Ebuka
5 months ago

Thank you… Passion is not enough.

Nimi
Nimi
5 months ago
Reply to  Ebuka

My advice for you is to run your business within your capacity until you can afford a decent fee for an employee. Small pay triggers conflict no matter the passion.

Ebuka
Ebuka
5 months ago
Reply to  Nimi

Thank you.

PAIN
PAIN
5 months ago

One thing I’ve noticed is that, I do not do well with authorities/superiors/ higher ups. Especially if they’re domineering, exploitative, predatory or manipulative, I’ll always fight back and make objections and this has put me in a lot of trouble. Twice I had a clash with some of my lecturers while at the university, one of which made me have a carryover. It might be difficult working together, if we both do not espouse thesame values, principles and ethics. About the work thing, There are clients I have been stalling for weeks now, I even have a submission on Monday… Read more »

PAIN
PAIN
5 months ago

I think, I’ve always been a defiant person, more of the reason why I don’t like being told what to do or being ordered around. You just need to be vigilant of When people are trying to exploit you and immidiately put down your feet not just unliking something and remain silent in your mind. You know what will happen when you fail to draw the line; it is breached. People will not respect invisible boundaries through their ‘considerate’ nature. Bosses/clients are like the ocean. At times, they will rage against you to see if you are a solid rock… Read more »

Skola
Skola
5 months ago
Reply to  PAIN

It’s the “just” part for me 😂😂😭. People can be so unappreciative of creative work, aswear. Some clients who know a thing or two about graphics design will ask you, the expert, for your samples/ideas just to have an idea of how to improve their own designs or give it to a greenhorn for less pay. @mutteringminds, for us writers, people think it’s easy to come up with the right words for the right purpose or effects. I write asylum narratives for clients, which is more like writing historical fiction 😂🤫. My boss go be like, “your jobs are too… Read more »

Skola
Skola
5 months ago

Aswear down, so so draining 😩😭. IMHO, (undue) pressure ruins creativity!

Xavi
Xavi
4 months ago
Reply to  PAIN

A wise person once said:
“…benevolent facades are the perfect disguise for exploitation and there are far more double-faced people than you think.”
Esp superiors, line managers, bosses etc. That facade makes manipulation easier
I’ve always been detached to an extent at work, people be like you’re gentle or you have a quiet disposition or you are quite unemotional. In my mind I’m like if only you knew. Only the few that I’m very comfortable with know that my office self is different from personal self. E get why
Thanks for this

Last edited 4 months ago by Xavi
Zitaaa
Zitaaa
5 months ago

Soooooooo fucking annoying when someone u really needed to talk to ends up not saying wah u want to hear. Then the most annoying part is when they keep saying calm down without saying anything reasonable. I sha heal from my pain by just shedding a lil tears in my lil comfort. And yesssss April is a stress filled month frs…. omo! I really needed this piece. Thank u❤

Ines
Ines
5 months ago

Hey Dee, it’s been a while I left a comment. You know how I have been telling you I am going to binge read when I am finally relieved of all the current stress but it seems the stress is here to stay. It’s going on months now and it’s only becoming worse. The anxiety is on an all time high. Thank you for sending me to check this out. You won’t believe I was reading this and crying that’s how much I relate to it. I love my job, my boss and colleagues but lately, I feel these three… Read more »

Ines
Ines
5 months ago

This nightmare has to have an expiry date please. It’s just too scary. I feel the skipping heart beats too and it sucks. Lately, I block them during the weekends 🤫. I just want peace and calm and fun. I want to work and still lead a normal single girl life. Why does one have to suffer for one ?

Ines
Ines
5 months ago

It’s just sad

Nimi
Nimi
5 months ago

This post is so real, I enjoyed how you let it all out. I am a believer of one step at a time, and in as much as people preach against the comfort zone, I like it. Life is too hard already, we should cut people some slack, rest if you can. Dont feel bad for not knowing something, there are other things you know and its knowledge too. I suffered anxiety for a long time, and now I take life one step at a time. Nothing is stressing me at the moment, I feel peace compared to two years… Read more »

Skola
Skola
5 months ago

So sorry I’m late to the party, no thanks to work stress😩. I feel your pain cos it very much resonates with mine. In fact, today that is Saturday, I still have a truckload of job tasks to complete–my weekend ruined, again. They dinnor explain this part of adulthood to me o😂🤦🏻‍♂️. It’s true what you say about working from home encroaching into personal space, but then, even most 9-5 jobs still require your attention outside working hours, especially if you’re working in the private sector, and more especially, those small companies and one-man businesses here and there😏. (Aswear, I… Read more »

Skola
Skola
5 months ago

Well, sooner or later, we all get to have our (final) ‘rest’ one day 💀. Till then, man must wak o. I agree, the situation of the country has led to an increase in unrealized potentials, hunger and anger. We can only console ourselves with the little little wins we are able to get each day.

Nkechi
Nkechi
5 months ago

After an experience some years back during my IT I took my business ten times serious because I knew it would be my full time vocation after school,a little taste of the cooperate world and I knew I couldn’t do this for the rest of my life,no no I couldn’t Someone else owning my time like that ah😭😭……..where’s the time to na enjoy life? I can’t be working for money that I’m too upset, tired or beat up to even enjoy. I’m doing my own thing now,trust me has its own challenges!!! But it’s mine so any time invested in… Read more »

Pretty Anon
Pretty Anon
5 months ago

As I was reading this, it felt like I was listening to myself speak. I’m not working from home but I’ve been stressed too. Even though I’m still pretty new on the job, I’ve contemplated quitting a couple of times. One of my friends said I should be “grateful I have a job” that alot of people want to be in my position rn. I felt guilty about being stressed and decided to be grateful. Minus all the gratitude in the world, I’m stressed. Some days, I feel like crying. I become so unproductive when it gets so bad then… Read more »

Didiong
Didiong
5 months ago

I prayed to have my current job. I longed for it, just because while I was younger, whenever I visited a similar organization, I loved the scenery. Nothing else. Then I got my job, and it dawned on me that it is an entirely different world. Alot happened in a short while, i felt like resigning. I only went to work cause of the money. It felt like a punishment. Gradually, God took away the one that seemed to be a torn in my flesh. Other bad eggs are still there, but it is habitable. I enjoy working, but I… Read more »

Didiong
Didiong
5 months ago

Kissing ass is the order of the day o…I can’t be smiling at you when I can see through your fake smiles.

Trying to stay positive😊

Didiong
Didiong
5 months ago

I’ve considered traveling but the aza now😂😂

I was admitted, pumped in drips and sent me home with pills🙄

Didiong
Didiong
5 months ago

Thanks dear..

Yes babe

AirStar
AirStar
5 months ago

I am also very stressed and pissed about my present work. I only go there to make money, my input is not accepted, they operate a micromanaging system that makes everything go through the table of the ED before we can do something as little as 50 Naira. I am angry because my business is not bringing in enough to make me quit this Job. When I decided to focus on my business which I love by the way, I became so broke that I couldn’t afford basic stuff like 100 Naira recharge card sef. I hate to be at… Read more »

AirStar
AirStar
5 months ago

Yeah very tormenting experience out here with those kind of bosses.

Just like you said, I’ll start focusing on those little positive remark from people so ur strengthens me to push through while pursuing my business till all I have in mind comes to fruition.

Thanks for not holding back Uju, you don’t know how much liberty you give when we don’t hold back pouring our hearts out.

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

Uju, and everyone going through difficult moments at work, I’m sorry for your frustrations and pains. I quite my job, last year to focus on my photography, it hasn’t been that good, qs expected for a start up, in the kind of area, I’m in…with the number of photographers riding daily, both very good ones, and those who just have the money to get very good gears that enable them get beautiful pictures, not creative or great pictures. No matter my financial state, I’ve determined long time ago, not to allow money in any way, influence my decision and state… Read more »

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

Yea, it takes a lot to do what you are doing, to be sincere.

I really respect your strength and boldness to stand your ground on what you want for your blog.

The craze for money is everywhere. And it gets worst daily.

I want money, I want a lot of it…but, i don’t want it, at the mercy of my person, faith and joy.

So, I salute you👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

Mu pleasure, Uju.

When is your birthday???
Lemme give you free birthday shoot, as my own “give back”.

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

You might through a party?

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

don’t forget to invite me, if you change your mind o.

dosbambi
dosbambi
5 months ago

Good👍🏿👍🏿👍🏿

Amaka
Amaka
5 months ago

I love my job but my colleagues can be very annoying ,so I thought of what to do,I make sure they don’t have breathing space when they start their rubbish display. Just be patient and be sure that you are ready to quit the job.

Eddie
Eddie
5 months ago

I am just a bit frustrated with everything. My job is not what I want it to be. I can’t quit though

Shadow
Shadow
3 months ago

My job is so stressful that I cant be me on my off time. Everything feels numb and hollow. Trying to connect with others when in this state is impossible and therefore I am isolated because no one truly understands how hard it is. They think I am over exaggerating. And that makes it feel even more lonely.

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